Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday
Adoptee Rant
It's no secret my mom and I have been struggling with our relationship over the past several years.
Even more than normal.
I've been trying to deflect, defuse, defer and detox but something always happens to whip me back up again, mom manages to twist the knife just enough more to hurt me, which sets me off.
While applying bandages to our most recent scrap, my being adopted and meeting my biological mother came up. Again.
I cannot tell you how much this bothers me.
It seems no matter what I say or how I say it, my mom is incapable of looking at herself as being responsible for our tumultuous relationship, looking at herself as being the reason I have so much resentment toward her. It's just the way she is.
Problem for us adopted kids is is that being adopted is the perfect get out of jail free card for people like my mother.
It's one of my biggest pet peeves with the Primal Wound Theory, that those of us who are adopted are inescapably damaged. What if Verrier made some mistakes as a mother and her adopted kid happened to be the one who rebelled, more because of her personality than her adoptedness. I would even go so far as to say ok, because of our adoptedness, sometimes we adoptees might be extra resilient which could make us a little feistier but there has to be somebody setting us off. Somebody like a parent who refuses to look at what they may be doing wrong.
My mom wanted to adopt another kid and I'm what she got. I don't owe anyone anything for having been adopted. I'm lucky I survived after being left alone at a hospital, my well-being in the hands of the fickle finger of fate. I'm grateful for all the good things in my life. I am a competent, independent, thoughtful fifty year old woman and do not fight with my mother because I'm adopted or because I met the mother who gave birth to me. I fight with my mother because she is difficult, self absorbed, and incapable of compassion and empathy for others.
Please, look at yourself before you look at your kids when trying to find a reason for your poor relationship with them.
Apologizing to your kids and taking responsibility for your parenting mistakes goes a very long way in building trust and communication, not to mention sets a great example. One of the best things we can teach our kids is how to admit and own being wrong.
If you've never done it, you clearly need to because we all make mistakes.
Adoptive parents, despite all the crap you read, it may very well be YOU who has issues, not your child.
If you can't even entertain the possibility of that being true, I pity your kids and hope they are as resilient as I am.
Even more than normal.
I've been trying to deflect, defuse, defer and detox but something always happens to whip me back up again, mom manages to twist the knife just enough more to hurt me, which sets me off.
While applying bandages to our most recent scrap, my being adopted and meeting my biological mother came up. Again.
I cannot tell you how much this bothers me.
It seems no matter what I say or how I say it, my mom is incapable of looking at herself as being responsible for our tumultuous relationship, looking at herself as being the reason I have so much resentment toward her. It's just the way she is.
Problem for us adopted kids is is that being adopted is the perfect get out of jail free card for people like my mother.
It's one of my biggest pet peeves with the Primal Wound Theory, that those of us who are adopted are inescapably damaged. What if Verrier made some mistakes as a mother and her adopted kid happened to be the one who rebelled, more because of her personality than her adoptedness. I would even go so far as to say ok, because of our adoptedness, sometimes we adoptees might be extra resilient which could make us a little feistier but there has to be somebody setting us off. Somebody like a parent who refuses to look at what they may be doing wrong.
My mom wanted to adopt another kid and I'm what she got. I don't owe anyone anything for having been adopted. I'm lucky I survived after being left alone at a hospital, my well-being in the hands of the fickle finger of fate. I'm grateful for all the good things in my life. I am a competent, independent, thoughtful fifty year old woman and do not fight with my mother because I'm adopted or because I met the mother who gave birth to me. I fight with my mother because she is difficult, self absorbed, and incapable of compassion and empathy for others.
Please, look at yourself before you look at your kids when trying to find a reason for your poor relationship with them.
Apologizing to your kids and taking responsibility for your parenting mistakes goes a very long way in building trust and communication, not to mention sets a great example. One of the best things we can teach our kids is how to admit and own being wrong.
If you've never done it, you clearly need to because we all make mistakes.
Adoptive parents, despite all the crap you read, it may very well be YOU who has issues, not your child.
If you can't even entertain the possibility of that being true, I pity your kids and hope they are as resilient as I am.
Saturday
I hate meeces to pieces! Especially the baby ones.
Great news! If your mom didn't want or like you, finally you don't have to take it personally!!
Ana Ribeiro, an author of the study and postdoctoral fellow at Rockefeller University, explains: “Once the gene was silenced, not only did the moms not nurse or lick their baby pups, but they wouldn’t even move the baby mice back into the cage or fight off a strange intruder. In other words, our study shows that, without this gene, the skills to be ‘a good mom’ were lost.” Looky here for the source.
This doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Hopefully this will contribute to an acceptance that not all females are born to be mythical matenal goddesses and that oxytocin isn't the magic mommy potion some people want to make it out to be.
If you feel like you're not cut out to be a mom, maybe you aren't and there's nothing wrong with that. Dont allow yourself to be badgered into it and please, try really hard not to get pregnant.
If you feel like you're not cut out to be a mom and you already are one, find someone to talk to about it. I know it's tough since most people hold women to unrealistic maternal standards but there are people who understand that some women struggle and that there's nothing to be ashamed of. Seek them out and talk about what's going on and please, try really hard not to get pregnant again.
If you can't get pregnant and come to realize that you're actually ok with that, don't let society or your partner pressure or shame you into believing that you couldn't possibly be ok with it and please, don't "just" adopt.
Do you think all females are mommy material? Could there be a mommy gene in humans?
Ana Ribeiro, an author of the study and postdoctoral fellow at Rockefeller University, explains: “Once the gene was silenced, not only did the moms not nurse or lick their baby pups, but they wouldn’t even move the baby mice back into the cage or fight off a strange intruder. In other words, our study shows that, without this gene, the skills to be ‘a good mom’ were lost.” Looky here for the source.
This doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Hopefully this will contribute to an acceptance that not all females are born to be mythical matenal goddesses and that oxytocin isn't the magic mommy potion some people want to make it out to be.
If you feel like you're not cut out to be a mom, maybe you aren't and there's nothing wrong with that. Dont allow yourself to be badgered into it and please, try really hard not to get pregnant.
If you feel like you're not cut out to be a mom and you already are one, find someone to talk to about it. I know it's tough since most people hold women to unrealistic maternal standards but there are people who understand that some women struggle and that there's nothing to be ashamed of. Seek them out and talk about what's going on and please, try really hard not to get pregnant again.
If you can't get pregnant and come to realize that you're actually ok with that, don't let society or your partner pressure or shame you into believing that you couldn't possibly be ok with it and please, don't "just" adopt.
Do you think all females are mommy material? Could there be a mommy gene in humans?
Friday
"Ban spanking outright, CMA journal urges"
Now this is what I like to see. Boooo @ spanking
Yeah yeah, I know, your parents spanked you and you turned out fine.
Yeah yeah, I know, your parents spanked you and you turned out fine.
Thursday
Don't forget to remember
I watch some weird tv. The names of shows I watch will be withheld to protect the innocent, namely me. It's funny how there is stigma attached to what a person watches on television, how we tend to look down on each other for what our tastes in entertainment are. I'm as guilty as the next person although I certainly don't have any right to be considering some of the trash I watch. See? I'm judging myself!
Yesterday I was half watching a program discussing kids being mean and part way through my son and his fiancé arrived and sat down with me. I explained what the show was about and added my two cents on an aspect I thought was being missed in talking to the children who thought it was cool to be mean and it's why they were popular. It was my thought someone should be telling this kid that the other kids aren't friends with her because they like her, they're friends with her because they're afraid not to be.
The show fell by the wayside as my son and I began to talk about kids and parenting. We talked about how his desire to be friends with the class asshole(s) was thankfully short lived, that I'd taught him he need never be so pathetic as to need "friends" so badly that he'd put up with anything just to hang with the cool kids. Of course this is much easier when you have a home where you're loved and feel safe, a place to forget for a few hours the evil deeds of school peers. Yes, he did suffer through this age of constant contact with social media but I was savvy and aware and monitored his online behavior as well as that of his "friends".
As we talked, a child of six years was discussed on the now ignored program, a gorgeous little kid who doesn't listen at all to her mom. Time outs, spankings, yelling etc. be damned, this kid was having none of any of it. As we semi watch, my son (half)jokingly asks his fiancé and myself if it would be so wrong to just tie a kid like that to a chair to which we responded with a resounding YES it would be wrong, which led to talking about what I did with my son when he was little.
I was never a mom who went to someone's house and asked them to childproof their home. It was my job to watch my son, to tell him "no" and remove him from whatever had caught his eye. I remember being at my mother-in-law's and feeling exasperated, feeling like I'd be doing this for the rest of my life. I'll never forget her supporting me and encouraging me to stick with it, that it would pay off eventually, and it did.
I asked my son if he remembered my taking his doorknob out of his bedroom door. He didn't remember and asked how that wasn't like tying a kid to a chair. I explained that it was a consequence he knew would happen if he came out of his room for the seventh time and that there was a big difference between free reign of a bedroom and physical restraint. I've never believed in forced sleep because I remember how I hated that as a kid, laying in bed wide awake for hours. I did have 'bedtimes' for my son but what that meant was him in his room with a book or listening to a bedtime tape with the only expectation being that he stay in his room and sleep when he was actually ready to. When he was very small but first in a real bed, he, like most kids, would continue to come out for this reason or that. I would get the first glass of water, chase away two or three boogeymen, enjoy two or three more hugs and kisses and then I'd lay down the law. "This is the last time you are allowed to come out dear. If you come out one more time, I will take the doorknob so you can't." Of course he had to test it, it happened, and that was it. Consequence laid out, enforced, and as a result, believed. It was up to him to make the decision about whether or not his doorknob was intact or not.
The three of us talked a bit more about parenting strategies, things we thought were cool and things we thought were not so cool. My son talked about how now when he looks at the things kids struggle with it seems like they should just should know better than to succumb to peer pressure or push matters until their doorknobs are removed, and because of that maybe his fiancé should do all the parenting of any kids they may have in the future.
Hell no, we both said, kids need both their patents to be in on the action. Hey, I asked my son, have you forgotten to remember what it feels like to be a kid? I've always taught you how important that is. That although kids' problems may seem trivial or silly to adults, they are very real and as much if not more of a burden because kids are just learning to problem solve.
Oh no, he replied, for sure I remember, it's just that it seems sort of separate now from what appears obvious.
I tell him not to worry. As long as he doesn't forget to remember what it feels like to be a kid, he'll be a great dad.
Yesterday I was half watching a program discussing kids being mean and part way through my son and his fiancé arrived and sat down with me. I explained what the show was about and added my two cents on an aspect I thought was being missed in talking to the children who thought it was cool to be mean and it's why they were popular. It was my thought someone should be telling this kid that the other kids aren't friends with her because they like her, they're friends with her because they're afraid not to be.
The show fell by the wayside as my son and I began to talk about kids and parenting. We talked about how his desire to be friends with the class asshole(s) was thankfully short lived, that I'd taught him he need never be so pathetic as to need "friends" so badly that he'd put up with anything just to hang with the cool kids. Of course this is much easier when you have a home where you're loved and feel safe, a place to forget for a few hours the evil deeds of school peers. Yes, he did suffer through this age of constant contact with social media but I was savvy and aware and monitored his online behavior as well as that of his "friends".
As we talked, a child of six years was discussed on the now ignored program, a gorgeous little kid who doesn't listen at all to her mom. Time outs, spankings, yelling etc. be damned, this kid was having none of any of it. As we semi watch, my son (half)jokingly asks his fiancé and myself if it would be so wrong to just tie a kid like that to a chair to which we responded with a resounding YES it would be wrong, which led to talking about what I did with my son when he was little.
I was never a mom who went to someone's house and asked them to childproof their home. It was my job to watch my son, to tell him "no" and remove him from whatever had caught his eye. I remember being at my mother-in-law's and feeling exasperated, feeling like I'd be doing this for the rest of my life. I'll never forget her supporting me and encouraging me to stick with it, that it would pay off eventually, and it did.
I asked my son if he remembered my taking his doorknob out of his bedroom door. He didn't remember and asked how that wasn't like tying a kid to a chair. I explained that it was a consequence he knew would happen if he came out of his room for the seventh time and that there was a big difference between free reign of a bedroom and physical restraint. I've never believed in forced sleep because I remember how I hated that as a kid, laying in bed wide awake for hours. I did have 'bedtimes' for my son but what that meant was him in his room with a book or listening to a bedtime tape with the only expectation being that he stay in his room and sleep when he was actually ready to. When he was very small but first in a real bed, he, like most kids, would continue to come out for this reason or that. I would get the first glass of water, chase away two or three boogeymen, enjoy two or three more hugs and kisses and then I'd lay down the law. "This is the last time you are allowed to come out dear. If you come out one more time, I will take the doorknob so you can't." Of course he had to test it, it happened, and that was it. Consequence laid out, enforced, and as a result, believed. It was up to him to make the decision about whether or not his doorknob was intact or not.
The three of us talked a bit more about parenting strategies, things we thought were cool and things we thought were not so cool. My son talked about how now when he looks at the things kids struggle with it seems like they should just should know better than to succumb to peer pressure or push matters until their doorknobs are removed, and because of that maybe his fiancé should do all the parenting of any kids they may have in the future.
Hell no, we both said, kids need both their patents to be in on the action. Hey, I asked my son, have you forgotten to remember what it feels like to be a kid? I've always taught you how important that is. That although kids' problems may seem trivial or silly to adults, they are very real and as much if not more of a burden because kids are just learning to problem solve.
Oh no, he replied, for sure I remember, it's just that it seems sort of separate now from what appears obvious.
I tell him not to worry. As long as he doesn't forget to remember what it feels like to be a kid, he'll be a great dad.
Saturday
Oh sorry, I lied
Kids have to feel it's safe to tell the truth, or they won't.
When you tell them it will be easier on them if they fess up to the major crime of not having really brushed their hair, you better not be lying yourself.
Offering them an out, a way to come clean with dignity works. Tell them you want to start over, give them the opportunity to re answer whether they really washed their hands or brushed their teeth, pretend they didnt even answer yet. No repercussion (or lecture for having lied) just a fresh start as a reward for having been brave enough to have told the truth.
Kids need to value honesty in order to be honest. If lying is a way to survive, it has far more value than telling the truth. If our kids need to lie to maintain their dignity, they will. If kids need to lie to do the normal things kids like to do, they will.
Doesn't it make more sense to know what our kids are really doing than basically force them to lie? How does a young teen phone mom and/or dad when they're in a jam if they've lied about what they are really doing? They can't, so you won't even know they're in trouble until it's maybe too late to help them.
I believe honesty is something to be taught early in life, that parents need to provide their kids with an environment that rewards honesty. That honesty is about respect for others and ones own self. Honesty is admired and applauded, recognized as an act of courage many times.
I feel it's also important to talk about the times it's ok to lie, because such times exist. I straight out told my son if he ever needed to lie to get out of a situation involving drugs or alcohol or any of the other precarious situations our kids are exposed to regularly that it was ok to do whatever he needed in the moment. I gave him the example of being offered a cigarette. If it's easier to say, "nah, thanks man but I just put one out", go for it.
I promised him early that if I knew from him about something that happened in school instead finding out from another parent or teacher, things would be much easier for him, as far as I approached the situation anyway. I really respect the courage it takes for a child to be honest in the face of certain punishment or consequence and delivered my *sentences* accordingly.
I'd just like to close this post with something I did when my son was in kindergarten or grade one. He had lied to me about something silly the day before, I'd busted him and we'd talked about it. I was trying to figure out a way to get him to understand how it feels to be lied to, to not trust someone you love and care about. So, I decided to lie to him. I picked him up from school, all bright and cheery announcing we'd be hitting McD's on the way home to get him a happy meal (it was always all about the toy, not the food). When we pulled up to our home and he said, hey, I thought we were going to get a happy meal I replied, oh, sorry, I lied.
We had another good talk about it, I assured him that would be the only time he'd ever experience a lie from me and I can honestly say lying was never a big problem in our home.
It took effort and consistency and I'm not naive enough to think I know everything thing there was and is to know about my son's life but I do know that one of the things he takes most pride in is being an honest man. One of the things I take the most pride in is knowing he knows he has always had a safe place in this world to be honest, and that's with me, his mom.
When you tell them it will be easier on them if they fess up to the major crime of not having really brushed their hair, you better not be lying yourself.
Offering them an out, a way to come clean with dignity works. Tell them you want to start over, give them the opportunity to re answer whether they really washed their hands or brushed their teeth, pretend they didnt even answer yet. No repercussion (or lecture for having lied) just a fresh start as a reward for having been brave enough to have told the truth.
Kids need to value honesty in order to be honest. If lying is a way to survive, it has far more value than telling the truth. If our kids need to lie to maintain their dignity, they will. If kids need to lie to do the normal things kids like to do, they will.
Doesn't it make more sense to know what our kids are really doing than basically force them to lie? How does a young teen phone mom and/or dad when they're in a jam if they've lied about what they are really doing? They can't, so you won't even know they're in trouble until it's maybe too late to help them.
I believe honesty is something to be taught early in life, that parents need to provide their kids with an environment that rewards honesty. That honesty is about respect for others and ones own self. Honesty is admired and applauded, recognized as an act of courage many times.
I feel it's also important to talk about the times it's ok to lie, because such times exist. I straight out told my son if he ever needed to lie to get out of a situation involving drugs or alcohol or any of the other precarious situations our kids are exposed to regularly that it was ok to do whatever he needed in the moment. I gave him the example of being offered a cigarette. If it's easier to say, "nah, thanks man but I just put one out", go for it.
I promised him early that if I knew from him about something that happened in school instead finding out from another parent or teacher, things would be much easier for him, as far as I approached the situation anyway. I really respect the courage it takes for a child to be honest in the face of certain punishment or consequence and delivered my *sentences* accordingly.
I'd just like to close this post with something I did when my son was in kindergarten or grade one. He had lied to me about something silly the day before, I'd busted him and we'd talked about it. I was trying to figure out a way to get him to understand how it feels to be lied to, to not trust someone you love and care about. So, I decided to lie to him. I picked him up from school, all bright and cheery announcing we'd be hitting McD's on the way home to get him a happy meal (it was always all about the toy, not the food). When we pulled up to our home and he said, hey, I thought we were going to get a happy meal I replied, oh, sorry, I lied.
We had another good talk about it, I assured him that would be the only time he'd ever experience a lie from me and I can honestly say lying was never a big problem in our home.
It took effort and consistency and I'm not naive enough to think I know everything thing there was and is to know about my son's life but I do know that one of the things he takes most pride in is being an honest man. One of the things I take the most pride in is knowing he knows he has always had a safe place in this world to be honest, and that's with me, his mom.
Thursday
They won't thank you later, believe me
Being adopted isn't a condition.
Yes, I concede various aspects of adoption can be the cause of a range of emotional and psychological issues. But, it isn't always.
People always talk about triggers, well here's one of mine. Every time I read about some adoptive parent consulting lists and/or books by various "experts" on being adopted and then diagnosing their kids, I am triggered. Do you want your kids to have these problems? Sometimes it really seems like it. Is there something to people parenting only adopted children and as a result are not aware that many of these so called adoptive child behaviours are regular old everyday things kids do when they're in a pissy mood after Christmas, they are being picked on in school for something completely unrelated to being adopted, they're reacting to YOU having the February gloom or just being stressed out about whatever?
Why can't kids who are adopted just be treated normally?
Hmm...wait, perhaps normal no longer exists. Adoptive parents aren't the only ones assigning behaviour disorders to their kids, seems like all kinds of parents are doing this these days.
What is it? Is it because you don't want to look at yourself and think long and hard about what you're doing, or not doing?
Is it because your precious little son or daughter isn't living up to what your expectations of them are in school, or in how they socialize, how responsible they are, what they're interested in doing in activities, how many times a day they feel like giving you a hug?
Attachment disorders, reactive attachment disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, attention deficit disorders, attention deficit hyperactive disorders...what the hell?
We're all aware of the power of suggestion, aren't we? We're all aware that medicated kids are easier to parent at home and monitor at school, aren't we? We're all aware that normal kids do not walk around like zombies doing exactly what they're told, answering politely every time they're asked a question, are born knowing it's wrong to lie, to steal, to bite, to bully. Always keep their bedrooms neat as a pin, jump to help do dishes after supper, and never ever forget to use their inside voice.
Why aren't we aware that all of this comes with the territory?
Parenting isn't easy people. It takes patience, consistency, determination, understanding, compassion, and TIME. It needs to be done without ego and a thick skin.
Tuesday
Can we have too many children?
A few weeks back I sent the following question to Lisa at A Bushel and A Peck and she suggested that she use it as her Tuesday Topic. I look forward to seeing what she and her readers have to say.
Upon reading the difficulty you had in finding only 15 minutes in a day to spend with one of your children (GIMH Rockin' Mama Challenge) I had to ask myself why a person would have so many children. I've always been of the mindset that people can have too many children and that when they do, it's unfair to the children as they cannot possibly receive as much attention as they need, and deserve.
For context, I'm an adopted person who is not anti adoption. I am not religious and do not subscribe to adoption being any group's God's will and I do believe in hugging/cuddling children of any age that want it.
I decided to send my question in an email as opposed to a comment because Lisa took quite a bit of (in my opinion unwarranted) heat over the original post and I didn't want to contribute to that, and still don't. Please keep that in mind if you decide to share your thoughts either here or there.
Friday
You're just like your mother
I think the majority of women fear dread becoming their mothers and/or are determined not to be like them, obviously some have more reason than others to fear dread it.
Am I wrong?
Am I wrong?
What makes a good foster mom?
This blogger tells us. What she has to say could apply to all adults in a position of raising, caring for or mentoring a young person. It's excellent info. The following is idea #2 but LT offers you 15 ideas in total using examples from her own experiences, and it's some of the best advice you're going to get all day.
Display gentleness, steadiness, and firm boundaries regarding what is appropriate and what is not. Set the boundaries early in the relationship. When the boundaries are tested, stand firm; not with hostility but explanation.
For example:
Patience, Gentleness, Steadiness; but Firm Boundaries
I don’t believe in yelling at foster children and I actually do not believe in “tough parenting or tough punishment.” These kids have had enough “toughness” and hostility in their lives. I think of a good foster parent as acting similar to how the Taoist describe water. Water flows gently and peacefully, …but over time is so powerful that it is able to carve through rock.Display gentleness, steadiness, and firm boundaries regarding what is appropriate and what is not. Set the boundaries early in the relationship. When the boundaries are tested, stand firm; not with hostility but explanation.
For example:
- “LT, we eat at the table; not walking around the house because we don’t won’t crumbs everywhere. Come and sit down.”
- “LT, we don’t condone you smoking. You can NOT smoke in the house. If you are going to smoke which is not healthy for you, you must smoke outside. If you smoke inside, we will take the cigarettes.”
- “LT, sneaking out at night is NOT permitted. We care where you are and are concerned if you are missing. One more time and you will spend the next month of weekends with us cleaning the garage and helping out at the community food shelter.”
Tuesday
Some really great info for caregivers of all sorts
“It’s a good thing for all parents to recognize that their job is to make themselves unnecessary,…”
I love this. I think it’s one of the hardest things to do as a parent, but one of the most important. It can also be one of the most rewarding if we aren’t afraid of letting it happen.
It's lots of information, some of which you may agree with, some that you may not but it's my feeling there's much that's helpful and most will get something meaningful from this interview
I love this. I think it’s one of the hardest things to do as a parent, but one of the most important. It can also be one of the most rewarding if we aren’t afraid of letting it happen.
It's lots of information, some of which you may agree with, some that you may not but it's my feeling there's much that's helpful and most will get something meaningful from this interview
Sunday
$#*! my mom says
This post isn't about adoption but more about being confident in the role we play in our kid's lives. Parents can have their confidence shaken in all sorts of scenarios. They can feel threatened by teachers, ex spouses, step parents, babysitters, aunts, uncles, in-laws you name it, anyone who their kids seem to connect with. I've even seen parents be jealous of the other parent, with the family in tact. The example I'm using is adoption related because, well, I'm adopted and it has a tendency to come up, especially with the meeting of my bio mom looming large.
So, my mom asks me when my bio mom is coming, where she's staying etc. When answering I mention it's weird to call bio mom a name, that I've always thought of her as "my biological mother", that I'm trying to get used to saying her name. Well my mom, sigh, has to go and respond by saying, "well, call her whatever you want, just don't call her mom". Silence. Eventually I say, "mom, don't say that to me, don't tell me not to call her mom, if I wanted to, I would. If I did, it wouldn't have anything to do with you or your role as a mom". To which she replied, "well, I didn't even like it when your brother called his mother-in-law mom". So I point out how ridiculous that is. How I wouldn't give a rat's ass if my son called someone other than me mom.
I know what I am to my son, that what I've been and continue to be is unique to me. That I can't be replaced just as I can't replace the other people he has relationships with. I want him to have great relationships with other people. When his dad has a girlfriend, I want my son to like her, her to like him. I want him to have a close relationship with his future mother-in-law.
It's funny, it occurs to me that my parents called each others parents "mom and dad". Talk about hypocritical.
I think if we want our kids to value us and our role in their lives, we have to value and have confidence in it too.
So, my mom asks me when my bio mom is coming, where she's staying etc. When answering I mention it's weird to call bio mom a name, that I've always thought of her as "my biological mother", that I'm trying to get used to saying her name. Well my mom, sigh, has to go and respond by saying, "well, call her whatever you want, just don't call her mom". Silence. Eventually I say, "mom, don't say that to me, don't tell me not to call her mom, if I wanted to, I would. If I did, it wouldn't have anything to do with you or your role as a mom". To which she replied, "well, I didn't even like it when your brother called his mother-in-law mom". So I point out how ridiculous that is. How I wouldn't give a rat's ass if my son called someone other than me mom.
I know what I am to my son, that what I've been and continue to be is unique to me. That I can't be replaced just as I can't replace the other people he has relationships with. I want him to have great relationships with other people. When his dad has a girlfriend, I want my son to like her, her to like him. I want him to have a close relationship with his future mother-in-law.
It's funny, it occurs to me that my parents called each others parents "mom and dad". Talk about hypocritical.
I think if we want our kids to value us and our role in their lives, we have to value and have confidence in it too.
WTF? WTF? WTF?
I find myself suffering from PTSD this morning and I can relate it back to three things that I've been exposed to over the weekend with the first being an episode of Teen Mom I happened to catch last night while channel surfing.
It was a section in which one of the young couples are having another fight with their little girl in the room. The young mom is once again throwing the young father out of "her" house in front of their toddler all the while saying to the little girl "your father is leaving you again" while the little girl cries and at one point looks out the window in what appears to be an attempt to see him as he leaves. This young mom yells and swears the whole time without thought of her child, even when the father tells her to watch her mouth because the little girl is very present. Sickening to witness. Sickening to think of how this will all affect this child, sickening to realize this young mom has no qualms about or is incapable of controlling herself, even in front of rolling cameras. Is this tv program going to get these people counseling?! If they do, will these people take it and do the work? What I witnessed watching this show is child abuse and sadly it's possible the only redeeming factor is the show itself and the fact people are seeing what's going on in this child's life and may help stop it.
I can't help think about all the kids who have no camera crew in their home, no witnesses to the abuse they suffer, which bring me to the second thing causing my PTSD today and it's this sickening incident
Why do these people have kids?!? Why do people who suck as parents feel the need to have MORE kids?!?!
The third is also mind boggling to me. Just what are people teaching their kids? Are they teaching them anything at all?! What kind of examples are given to our kids?!?! What is going wrong ?!
Oh yeah, I almost forgot already. Must be the PTSD.
What's going wrong is PARENTS SUCK!!
It was a section in which one of the young couples are having another fight with their little girl in the room. The young mom is once again throwing the young father out of "her" house in front of their toddler all the while saying to the little girl "your father is leaving you again" while the little girl cries and at one point looks out the window in what appears to be an attempt to see him as he leaves. This young mom yells and swears the whole time without thought of her child, even when the father tells her to watch her mouth because the little girl is very present. Sickening to witness. Sickening to think of how this will all affect this child, sickening to realize this young mom has no qualms about or is incapable of controlling herself, even in front of rolling cameras. Is this tv program going to get these people counseling?! If they do, will these people take it and do the work? What I witnessed watching this show is child abuse and sadly it's possible the only redeeming factor is the show itself and the fact people are seeing what's going on in this child's life and may help stop it.
I can't help think about all the kids who have no camera crew in their home, no witnesses to the abuse they suffer, which bring me to the second thing causing my PTSD today and it's this sickening incident
Why do these people have kids?!? Why do people who suck as parents feel the need to have MORE kids?!?!
The third is also mind boggling to me. Just what are people teaching their kids? Are they teaching them anything at all?! What kind of examples are given to our kids?!?! What is going wrong ?!
Oh yeah, I almost forgot already. Must be the PTSD.
What's going wrong is PARENTS SUCK!!
Saturday
Dear friend, so you're thinking of adopting. Want to talk about it?
Dear friend,
This is what I'd like to tell you about the possibility of you adopting, so far. There may be more things I haven't thought of as of yet, but I don't want to forget what's on my mind now.
I don't think I need to ask you why you want to adopt. I think that's a no brainer. You want another child to raise. Do the reasons really matter? I guess they do if the reasons are to provide your son with a playmate or have someone to do chores in your home or any other frivolous or ridiculous reason unrelated to the actual love for children and parenting. Hopefully this isn't the case, for if it is, I'm wasting my time and energy talking to you.
I would like to ask you if you've truly thought about what it is you're planning to do. Have you researched with an open mind, been receptive to anything negative you've heard about adoption? Can you truly love a child that isn't your own blood? Do you have the time and energy needed for more children? Are you doing the best you can for the son you already have? What makes you a good parent?
Not all adopted people feel like I do. There are adopted people who hate the fact they were adopted. Some say they'd have preferred to have been aborted. How will you feel if your child resents having been adopted? I don't know the magical formula to raising an adopted child that is at peace with having been adopted. I don't think anyone does.
Do you know, truly know, that adoption begins with loss? There can be loss of dreams, of identity, of heredity, culture. For some there can be a loss of trust, self worth, and even loss of lightness of soul and spirit. That the loss can be far reaching to grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings. Can you relate to that loss without feeling threatened or hurt? Can you parent with confidence and the ability to recognize the difference between your child's confusion about, and reaction to, being adopted and the regular angst that goes along with growing up? Will you be able to embrace and value your children's unique personalities and needs? Will you know when to "blame" adoption and when not to? Will you know when to discuss adoption with your children? Will you even be capable of discussing adoption with your children? How will you go about it? Will you do things by "the book" you're given by an agency or social worker or will you be able to think it through and follow your children's lead or know when you need to take the lead? Will you understand and support any "need to know" your child may have? Will they feel sure of your love and commitment therefore comfortable to talk (or not talk) about everything adoption related? Will you expect them to be grateful to you for everything you've provided them with, materially and/or emotionally and hold it over their head?
Will you refuse to become involved in an adoption that may feel unethical? Will you be able to recognize a parent or parents who are giving you a child they truly want and can raise out of an obligation to "keep their promise" to you? Do you believe me when I say nobody should make the decision to promise their child to another person without having seen and touched their child? It's sad but true that parents go through with adoptions that are against their better judgment because they don't want to disappoint the adoptive parents they've come to know and care about. Do you know that at that point it's not about you but about the child and what's best for it? It's never best for a child to be given away when it's wanted and can be raised by the people who brought it into this world. Picture yourself being told you need not have been adopted, that you were adopted through shady, or worse, conditions just so your (adoptive) parents could have you or an agency could make some money. We can all picture these scenarios if we try hard. One shouldn't have to be adopted to understand how confusing this would be, how devastating finding out your life and what you've always believed to be true is a lie. Believe me, adopted people worry about their biological mothers and wonder if they're ok until they know, if they ever get to know. Don't adopt without a clear conscience. If you're unsure, be strong enough to just walk away, to put your needs second to a child's.
Do you understand what open adoptions are? Have you been honest with yourself about this and your ability to parent a child under that type of circumstance? Think about it!! It cannot be easy, there is just no way. Will you be able to deal with the jealousy? With the fear? With your child's jealousy and fear? Will you be able to handle your child's biological parents feelings if they're regretful or will you just cut off contact to protect yourself and your family? If you don't think you can do an open adoption, don't! If there aren't any parents who want a closed adoption, don't adopt!
I don't think you plan to adopt from another country. If I'm wrong, and you do, try and remember you are as Caucasian as they come. THIS WILL MATTER. There are people to seek out who are qualified to discuss interracial adoption, and being as Caucasian as you, I am not one of them.
I wonder if you've thought at all about foster care. I think about foster care, have always. I think I'd be a great foster parent, especially now that my son is grown. I cannot be a foster parent though, and it's really just because of one thing. My husband would not want to foster parent. In fact, neither would have my ex husband, my son's father. I could try and persuade, pull out all the stops and say I'd do everything, that it isn't important for us both to want to do it. Who knows, my husband could say ok to try and please me, right? But, it's not supposed to be about me. It's supposed to be about kids who need families, parents or a parent. Every child born deserves to have some kind of family, whether it be blood or not, but no child deserves to exist in a situation where they're resented or unwanted by even one family member, blood or not. I believe that someone who isn't initially on board with providing a home for a child without one, whether it be through foster care or adoption, can change their mind and eventually embrace said child but....isn't it too big of a risk to take that they won't ever? I wouldn't even force a pet dog on my family if they didn't want the responsibility, why would I do it to a child?
I am not against adoption. I am not against you personally adopting. I am against people not properly preparing themselves for the act of adopting a child, or for that matter, having their own biological children. Against them wearing blinders to the difficulties and the effort and sacrifice that is necessary to do our very best. It's not about you so it's nothing like entering into a shitty marriage or staying in one, it's not about the harm you could do to yourself not listening to warnings about smoking or overeating or driving without a seat belt. It's different when you're holding another human being's childhood in your hands, affecting their future by what you do in the present. We all ignore advise all the time, but please don't ignore what I'm trying to tell you here.
There are many things people try to warn and educate each other about. More often than not the effort is ignored and people either learn the hard way or never learn at all. Fine. It's your life and it's our right to mess up our own lives but it isn't our right to mess up an innocent child's life, biological or not.
My friend, please think long and hard about what you're doing because it's not what you're doing to yourself, not about how you will be affected. It's about our children and what they need, deserve, and have the right to.
Oh yeah, if you do end up adopting, make sure you get a copy of your child's original birth certificate.
Someday they may be an adult who wants it.
This is what I'd like to tell you about the possibility of you adopting, so far. There may be more things I haven't thought of as of yet, but I don't want to forget what's on my mind now.
I don't think I need to ask you why you want to adopt. I think that's a no brainer. You want another child to raise. Do the reasons really matter? I guess they do if the reasons are to provide your son with a playmate or have someone to do chores in your home or any other frivolous or ridiculous reason unrelated to the actual love for children and parenting. Hopefully this isn't the case, for if it is, I'm wasting my time and energy talking to you.
I would like to ask you if you've truly thought about what it is you're planning to do. Have you researched with an open mind, been receptive to anything negative you've heard about adoption? Can you truly love a child that isn't your own blood? Do you have the time and energy needed for more children? Are you doing the best you can for the son you already have? What makes you a good parent?
Not all adopted people feel like I do. There are adopted people who hate the fact they were adopted. Some say they'd have preferred to have been aborted. How will you feel if your child resents having been adopted? I don't know the magical formula to raising an adopted child that is at peace with having been adopted. I don't think anyone does.
Do you know, truly know, that adoption begins with loss? There can be loss of dreams, of identity, of heredity, culture. For some there can be a loss of trust, self worth, and even loss of lightness of soul and spirit. That the loss can be far reaching to grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings. Can you relate to that loss without feeling threatened or hurt? Can you parent with confidence and the ability to recognize the difference between your child's confusion about, and reaction to, being adopted and the regular angst that goes along with growing up? Will you be able to embrace and value your children's unique personalities and needs? Will you know when to "blame" adoption and when not to? Will you know when to discuss adoption with your children? Will you even be capable of discussing adoption with your children? How will you go about it? Will you do things by "the book" you're given by an agency or social worker or will you be able to think it through and follow your children's lead or know when you need to take the lead? Will you understand and support any "need to know" your child may have? Will they feel sure of your love and commitment therefore comfortable to talk (or not talk) about everything adoption related? Will you expect them to be grateful to you for everything you've provided them with, materially and/or emotionally and hold it over their head?
Will you refuse to become involved in an adoption that may feel unethical? Will you be able to recognize a parent or parents who are giving you a child they truly want and can raise out of an obligation to "keep their promise" to you? Do you believe me when I say nobody should make the decision to promise their child to another person without having seen and touched their child? It's sad but true that parents go through with adoptions that are against their better judgment because they don't want to disappoint the adoptive parents they've come to know and care about. Do you know that at that point it's not about you but about the child and what's best for it? It's never best for a child to be given away when it's wanted and can be raised by the people who brought it into this world. Picture yourself being told you need not have been adopted, that you were adopted through shady, or worse, conditions just so your (adoptive) parents could have you or an agency could make some money. We can all picture these scenarios if we try hard. One shouldn't have to be adopted to understand how confusing this would be, how devastating finding out your life and what you've always believed to be true is a lie. Believe me, adopted people worry about their biological mothers and wonder if they're ok until they know, if they ever get to know. Don't adopt without a clear conscience. If you're unsure, be strong enough to just walk away, to put your needs second to a child's.
Do you understand what open adoptions are? Have you been honest with yourself about this and your ability to parent a child under that type of circumstance? Think about it!! It cannot be easy, there is just no way. Will you be able to deal with the jealousy? With the fear? With your child's jealousy and fear? Will you be able to handle your child's biological parents feelings if they're regretful or will you just cut off contact to protect yourself and your family? If you don't think you can do an open adoption, don't! If there aren't any parents who want a closed adoption, don't adopt!
I don't think you plan to adopt from another country. If I'm wrong, and you do, try and remember you are as Caucasian as they come. THIS WILL MATTER. There are people to seek out who are qualified to discuss interracial adoption, and being as Caucasian as you, I am not one of them.
I wonder if you've thought at all about foster care. I think about foster care, have always. I think I'd be a great foster parent, especially now that my son is grown. I cannot be a foster parent though, and it's really just because of one thing. My husband would not want to foster parent. In fact, neither would have my ex husband, my son's father. I could try and persuade, pull out all the stops and say I'd do everything, that it isn't important for us both to want to do it. Who knows, my husband could say ok to try and please me, right? But, it's not supposed to be about me. It's supposed to be about kids who need families, parents or a parent. Every child born deserves to have some kind of family, whether it be blood or not, but no child deserves to exist in a situation where they're resented or unwanted by even one family member, blood or not. I believe that someone who isn't initially on board with providing a home for a child without one, whether it be through foster care or adoption, can change their mind and eventually embrace said child but....isn't it too big of a risk to take that they won't ever? I wouldn't even force a pet dog on my family if they didn't want the responsibility, why would I do it to a child?
I am not against adoption. I am not against you personally adopting. I am against people not properly preparing themselves for the act of adopting a child, or for that matter, having their own biological children. Against them wearing blinders to the difficulties and the effort and sacrifice that is necessary to do our very best. It's not about you so it's nothing like entering into a shitty marriage or staying in one, it's not about the harm you could do to yourself not listening to warnings about smoking or overeating or driving without a seat belt. It's different when you're holding another human being's childhood in your hands, affecting their future by what you do in the present. We all ignore advise all the time, but please don't ignore what I'm trying to tell you here.
There are many things people try to warn and educate each other about. More often than not the effort is ignored and people either learn the hard way or never learn at all. Fine. It's your life and it's our right to mess up our own lives but it isn't our right to mess up an innocent child's life, biological or not.
My friend, please think long and hard about what you're doing because it's not what you're doing to yourself, not about how you will be affected. It's about our children and what they need, deserve, and have the right to.
Oh yeah, if you do end up adopting, make sure you get a copy of your child's original birth certificate.
Someday they may be an adult who wants it.
Friday
Que demanderiez-vous prospective (prospective adoptive parents or guardians)?
I was out with my son last night eating french food, drinking sangria, and listening to a jazz trio on an outdoor patio on a beautiful summer evening. I can't believe summer is almost gone...sigh.
My son's friend that had joined us was telling me how he thinks he might parent any future children he may have. His plan for discipline was to make it something physical, like holding a book with a straight arm for ten minutes. After choking a little on my Coquille St.Jacques I declared that sounds completely military, which in hindsight shouldn't be all that surprising as this particular young man has experienced some military training. We had a great discussion about it all but it stuck with me as I'd already been thinking about the types of questions that parents who've decided on adoption would ask potential adoptive parents, and just what exactly I'd ask someone to determine their philosophy on parenting. I guess you could even go further and apply this to people naming guardians for their children in the event of death.
It's clear that discipline is an important issue to me, I've written about my thoughts on corporal punishment a few times here. Childcare is also important to me. Just who exactly would actually be with my child. Would it be the parents or would they have to rely on some kind of constant daycare? Sometimes if you add up the hours of time spent with working parents, it's far less than with whomever is providing them with babysitting/daycare. And the quality of the time spent with the working parents? Not very high. People are busy and tired at the end of the day, not the best setting for talks and goofing off together.
Are sips of mom or dad's alcoholic beverage ok? What are the food philosophies of the prospective parents? You must eat everything on your plate? Are sleepovers allowed? Homeschooling, public or private? Should babies be left to cry, can they be spoiled by too much attention? Are beauty pageants on the agenda? What happens if the parents are married and split up or one parents dies? What are the prospective parent's feelings on introducing boyfriends or girlfriends into the child's life? What's the attitude toward extra curricular activities? Can a boy take ballet? Can a girl play hockey or rugby? Will you go to the games and would you volunteer to coach? Would I cringe and move away from you at your son or daughter's baseball game? How old should kids be before they walk to school alone? Is Halloween allowed? Would you buy or make costumes? Can your son have long hair if he wants? What age will you talk to your kids about sex? Would you help to provide birth control to your teen? How would you react if your child is gay? If your toddler bit someone, would you bite them back to show them how it feels? How do you think you'd teach your child not to lie? Is post secondary education a must in your mind?
I could sit here all day and think up things that matter to me in parenting. How does one best assess potential parents for, or guardians to, their children?
What would you ask?
My son's friend that had joined us was telling me how he thinks he might parent any future children he may have. His plan for discipline was to make it something physical, like holding a book with a straight arm for ten minutes. After choking a little on my Coquille St.Jacques I declared that sounds completely military, which in hindsight shouldn't be all that surprising as this particular young man has experienced some military training. We had a great discussion about it all but it stuck with me as I'd already been thinking about the types of questions that parents who've decided on adoption would ask potential adoptive parents, and just what exactly I'd ask someone to determine their philosophy on parenting. I guess you could even go further and apply this to people naming guardians for their children in the event of death.
It's clear that discipline is an important issue to me, I've written about my thoughts on corporal punishment a few times here. Childcare is also important to me. Just who exactly would actually be with my child. Would it be the parents or would they have to rely on some kind of constant daycare? Sometimes if you add up the hours of time spent with working parents, it's far less than with whomever is providing them with babysitting/daycare. And the quality of the time spent with the working parents? Not very high. People are busy and tired at the end of the day, not the best setting for talks and goofing off together.
Are sips of mom or dad's alcoholic beverage ok? What are the food philosophies of the prospective parents? You must eat everything on your plate? Are sleepovers allowed? Homeschooling, public or private? Should babies be left to cry, can they be spoiled by too much attention? Are beauty pageants on the agenda? What happens if the parents are married and split up or one parents dies? What are the prospective parent's feelings on introducing boyfriends or girlfriends into the child's life? What's the attitude toward extra curricular activities? Can a boy take ballet? Can a girl play hockey or rugby? Will you go to the games and would you volunteer to coach? Would I cringe and move away from you at your son or daughter's baseball game? How old should kids be before they walk to school alone? Is Halloween allowed? Would you buy or make costumes? Can your son have long hair if he wants? What age will you talk to your kids about sex? Would you help to provide birth control to your teen? How would you react if your child is gay? If your toddler bit someone, would you bite them back to show them how it feels? How do you think you'd teach your child not to lie? Is post secondary education a must in your mind?
I could sit here all day and think up things that matter to me in parenting. How does one best assess potential parents for, or guardians to, their children?
What would you ask?
Save the shock and surprise
I want to discuss something I've not experienced in the way some adopted people have. In fact, it completely boggles my mind that it even happens in the way it's described. To me it seems it should be a classic "put yourself in their shoes" type of situation. If the people doing the judging or questioning would honestly try and picture themselves as adopted, seems to me it's a no brainer.
Adopted people could very well be interested in searching for their biological people.
Doesn't seem that shocking to me. Is that because I'm adopted? I don't think so. My mom, who has said things from time to time regarding searching that I've shaken my head at, has said herself if she were adopted she knows for a fact she'd search. She even said this to me when I hadn't yet (and felt no desire to) searched. Now, this isn't to say she didn't have or attempt to hide feelings of insecurity regarding my sister's and my biological families. To this day she says things like, "well, it's the way she went about searching" or "you exchanged a letter with your biological mother and didn't tell me?!". When it comes down to it, my amateur assessment of this conflicting behavior is based in her personality and her lack of confidence in her role as mom not in an inability to understand and relate to the desire to search.
This brings me to the characters that don't get searching at all. Who are these people? Now, I'm not saying I don't understand adopted people who don't search. I do get that because I was that for a time in my life. I'm talking about people, adopted or not, that supposedly exist and say things like, "why would you want to do that to your real parents?" or "how could you want to look for people that abandoned you?". Just writing it has me rubbing my eyes thinking REALLY? To the best of my memory this has never happened to me so it's just so bizarre and foreign that every time I see another adopted person write it I'm floored.
What is so hard to understand? A person is born. They are raised by a family that isn't biologically related. Good, bad, or indifferent that adopted family isn't biologically related. The desire to know why a person was adopted may be one adoptee thing that's universal. For some, I imagine, having reliable/credible documents that relay the story would be more than enough. For some, maybe a picture or two included may be more than enough. But for many others, obviously, it's not enough. They want to meet their biological family. They need to see and talk to people who may look or walk or talk like them and I refuse to believe there's a single person who, down deep, can't understand that. They themselves may feel they'd never want to or want to bother to, but they're being dishonest to say that can't see why someone else would.
If you know someone who's adopted who's searching or talking about searching, whether as family or just as a friend or an acquaintance, save the shock and surprise. If you're a parent, expect it. If your expectation is realized, support it. Prepare yourself and check your ego. Parent from the beginning in a manner that you can be confident in, in a manner that's honest and open. Establish a relationship with your child that makes them feel safe to talk to you. Let them know that you'll support whatever approach they take in searching. If it doesn't include you, get over it! Let your kids know that you'll be there for them no matter what they find, that your love for them isn't conditional. That it's not their responsibility to protect your role as parent, to worry about your fragile ego.
We all know that an adoptive parent will never be the biological parent but it's the same in reverse. What we are to another human being whether it be a parent, sibling, aunt or uncle, friend, teacher, or lover cannot be threatened if what we are is real and good.
Adopted people could very well be interested in searching for their biological people.
Doesn't seem that shocking to me. Is that because I'm adopted? I don't think so. My mom, who has said things from time to time regarding searching that I've shaken my head at, has said herself if she were adopted she knows for a fact she'd search. She even said this to me when I hadn't yet (and felt no desire to) searched. Now, this isn't to say she didn't have or attempt to hide feelings of insecurity regarding my sister's and my biological families. To this day she says things like, "well, it's the way she went about searching" or "you exchanged a letter with your biological mother and didn't tell me?!". When it comes down to it, my amateur assessment of this conflicting behavior is based in her personality and her lack of confidence in her role as mom not in an inability to understand and relate to the desire to search.
This brings me to the characters that don't get searching at all. Who are these people? Now, I'm not saying I don't understand adopted people who don't search. I do get that because I was that for a time in my life. I'm talking about people, adopted or not, that supposedly exist and say things like, "why would you want to do that to your real parents?" or "how could you want to look for people that abandoned you?". Just writing it has me rubbing my eyes thinking REALLY? To the best of my memory this has never happened to me so it's just so bizarre and foreign that every time I see another adopted person write it I'm floored.
What is so hard to understand? A person is born. They are raised by a family that isn't biologically related. Good, bad, or indifferent that adopted family isn't biologically related. The desire to know why a person was adopted may be one adoptee thing that's universal. For some, I imagine, having reliable/credible documents that relay the story would be more than enough. For some, maybe a picture or two included may be more than enough. But for many others, obviously, it's not enough. They want to meet their biological family. They need to see and talk to people who may look or walk or talk like them and I refuse to believe there's a single person who, down deep, can't understand that. They themselves may feel they'd never want to or want to bother to, but they're being dishonest to say that can't see why someone else would.
If you know someone who's adopted who's searching or talking about searching, whether as family or just as a friend or an acquaintance, save the shock and surprise. If you're a parent, expect it. If your expectation is realized, support it. Prepare yourself and check your ego. Parent from the beginning in a manner that you can be confident in, in a manner that's honest and open. Establish a relationship with your child that makes them feel safe to talk to you. Let them know that you'll support whatever approach they take in searching. If it doesn't include you, get over it! Let your kids know that you'll be there for them no matter what they find, that your love for them isn't conditional. That it's not their responsibility to protect your role as parent, to worry about your fragile ego.
We all know that an adoptive parent will never be the biological parent but it's the same in reverse. What we are to another human being whether it be a parent, sibling, aunt or uncle, friend, teacher, or lover cannot be threatened if what we are is real and good.
To be more clear
In a post I made yesterday I linked to your blog (here). I just discovered you yesterday in an attempt to find resources that address the myth of instant bonding and/or love of all mothers. I am trying to bring awareness to this issue but am sorely lacking in experience and knowledge regarding it. In my limited understanding it’s my feeling that there is a societal expectation that women are expected to automatically, upon giving birth, perhaps even prior to, be magically attached/bonded/in love/perfectly competent, or whatever and this is not always the case. The fact that society expects it, or pretends it, attaches a stigma to the mom who is not feeling all these things immediately which exacerbates the problem by forcing her to be silent for fear of being judged, for fear of being imperfect or incapable.
My question to you is am I off base here? And would you ever consider writing me a “quickie” guest post addressing this myth?
Campbell,
Thank you for visiting my blog, for taking the time to post a comment, and esp. for linking to my post about infant bonding! Instant bonding is indeed a myth, which only serves to worsen a mother's postpartum experience. If she has postpartum depression, well, that just aggravates her feelings of guilt all the more. Your comment agrees with the gist of my post about debunking the myth of instant bonding. You are not off base. It's society in general that's way off base, and putting all that mythical stuff out there to cause first-time mothers to have unnecessarily high expectations is something I'd like society to stop at some point. That can only happen if there are enough voices out there in blogs, the news, magazines, books, etc. join together to speak the truth.
Ivy
http://ivysppdblog.wordpress.com
My question to you is am I off base here? And would you ever consider writing me a “quickie” guest post addressing this myth?
Campbell,
Thank you for visiting my blog, for taking the time to post a comment, and esp. for linking to my post about infant bonding! Instant bonding is indeed a myth, which only serves to worsen a mother's postpartum experience. If she has postpartum depression, well, that just aggravates her feelings of guilt all the more. Your comment agrees with the gist of my post about debunking the myth of instant bonding. You are not off base. It's society in general that's way off base, and putting all that mythical stuff out there to cause first-time mothers to have unnecessarily high expectations is something I'd like society to stop at some point. That can only happen if there are enough voices out there in blogs, the news, magazines, books, etc. join together to speak the truth.
Ivy
http://ivysppdblog.wordpress.com
Wednesday
Spare the rod ..... pleeeeease
So, a local radio station discussed this article in Time on "a new study published in Pediatrics, researchers at Tulane University provide the strongest evidence yet that children's short-term response to spanking may make them act out more in the long run."
The first woman who called in was a retired school teacher who gave parenting classes. She was against spanking but went further to say that parents have abandoned all discipline. That they were spending too much time reasoning with their kids instead of just being in charge. Saying no and meaning no. Being consistent. She said lots more, all of which was pretty on target and sensible, kind of made me smile to listen to her great advice.
And then....THEY started calling. Those people who think spanking is necessary. That they were spanked and they turned out just fine. Know what? Me too. I was spanked, I think I turned out fine too.
So has my son. In fact, turned out real good, without ever having been spanked once.
We actually had a pretty big fight yesterday, well, for us it was massive because we just don't fight or raise our voices. Needless to say we were both very upset after. We discussed what happened later in the evening, why it had escalated to what it did and just exactly what each of our roles were in the argument, and then we went for sushi (I paid). But, before we did, my son said it's lucky we're able to fix things like we did, that we can get back to where we were in our relationship, that we'd done no permanent damage. I told him we could do that because we've established respect and trust.
I don't think spanking is respectful. I don't think spanking instills trust.Yet, I know those are 2 of the most important ingredients in a successful child/parent relationship.
I don't believe there's even one valid reason to spank, to hit a little kid cause they did something you don't like. And you don't hit big kids...'cause, well, they're too big, and they might hit you back.
The first woman who called in was a retired school teacher who gave parenting classes. She was against spanking but went further to say that parents have abandoned all discipline. That they were spending too much time reasoning with their kids instead of just being in charge. Saying no and meaning no. Being consistent. She said lots more, all of which was pretty on target and sensible, kind of made me smile to listen to her great advice.
And then....THEY started calling. Those people who think spanking is necessary. That they were spanked and they turned out just fine. Know what? Me too. I was spanked, I think I turned out fine too.
So has my son. In fact, turned out real good, without ever having been spanked once.
We actually had a pretty big fight yesterday, well, for us it was massive because we just don't fight or raise our voices. Needless to say we were both very upset after. We discussed what happened later in the evening, why it had escalated to what it did and just exactly what each of our roles were in the argument, and then we went for sushi (I paid). But, before we did, my son said it's lucky we're able to fix things like we did, that we can get back to where we were in our relationship, that we'd done no permanent damage. I told him we could do that because we've established respect and trust.
I don't think spanking is respectful. I don't think spanking instills trust.Yet, I know those are 2 of the most important ingredients in a successful child/parent relationship.
I don't believe there's even one valid reason to spank, to hit a little kid cause they did something you don't like. And you don't hit big kids...'cause, well, they're too big, and they might hit you back.
Saturday
Healthy but sleepy boy born on the 19th day of April, 1990 at 9.07 am
My boy is going to be a non teen in two days. How cool is that.
As I think about him and the man he's become, I feel many things.
I feel love. I feel proud. I feel relieved.
I don't feel regret. I don't feel old. I don't wish I could go back to the days he was a baby or toddler. I made it my goal to grow with him, to be able to let go just the right amounts at just the right times.
I've hauled out his baby book that isn't as loaded as you might imagine an only child's baby book might be. What is in it though are my words from different times throughout his life. An excerpt from when he was "2 3/4 years old" reads Right now you're very close to me and miss me quite a bit when I'm gone. It won't be very many years till you won't so I'll enjoy it until then. My plan is to enjoy you now so when you start to break away it will be o.k..
So far, my plan has worked pretty well. Of course there's a gray area now but I deal with that in my regular way which is to remember what I was like at his age. At his age I was in a very different place. I was well into living on my own and supporting myself, something which I've stated elsewhere was one of my life goals. Although this difference between my son and myself at his age now is significant, there is still much that's the same. I was just as irresponsible and procrastinated as much as he does. I paid bills late and my apartments were a disaster area. When I moved out of my first apartment I had to wash the accumulation of dirty dishes in the bathtub because there were so many and once had to pay to get my phone reconnected because I'd been too lazy to go pay the bill.
So now, I temper my expectations of my son by being as realistic as possible. Yes, he's a grown man. No he's not self supporting. Yes, I was on my own working full time. No, I wasn't in university with the intent to get a degree. Yes, I partied all night, every night and had a great time going out with a bunch of different guys. No, my son is not a party animal, in fact he's a self proclaimed "nerd" (a fact as a mom I vehemently disagree with, of course) and has a girlfriend who I can very well see him being with for the rest of his life.
Here I need to address something which my sister pointed out to me after reading one of my posts about spanking: http://campbellscoup.blogspot.com/2010/03/to-liz-wherever-you-may-be.html
She told me I'd made it sound like he'd been raised by monks which couldn't be further from the truth. He was not raised in a bubble and was exposed to his fair share of bad influences which he somehow managed to choose not to emulate. He's had his piercings (something I didn't object to once he was 18 and have since been removed of his own accord) and is finally on the verge of acquiring his long awaited tattoo, a reproduction of one of my brother's tattoos that holds deep meaning for my son. It will be interesting to see how that goes because one thing's for sure, my boy is not good with pain!
Anyway, for now, even though my boy is grown, I'm still mom and still thinking and figuring out how to do things right. How to not be too intrusive yet still have expectations, how to support without enabling, how to balance friendship and respect in my role as a parent to an adult. Wow, what a thing that is to write out loud.
As I think about him and the man he's become, I feel many things.
I feel love. I feel proud. I feel relieved.
I don't feel regret. I don't feel old. I don't wish I could go back to the days he was a baby or toddler. I made it my goal to grow with him, to be able to let go just the right amounts at just the right times.
I've hauled out his baby book that isn't as loaded as you might imagine an only child's baby book might be. What is in it though are my words from different times throughout his life. An excerpt from when he was "2 3/4 years old" reads Right now you're very close to me and miss me quite a bit when I'm gone. It won't be very many years till you won't so I'll enjoy it until then. My plan is to enjoy you now so when you start to break away it will be o.k..
So far, my plan has worked pretty well. Of course there's a gray area now but I deal with that in my regular way which is to remember what I was like at his age. At his age I was in a very different place. I was well into living on my own and supporting myself, something which I've stated elsewhere was one of my life goals. Although this difference between my son and myself at his age now is significant, there is still much that's the same. I was just as irresponsible and procrastinated as much as he does. I paid bills late and my apartments were a disaster area. When I moved out of my first apartment I had to wash the accumulation of dirty dishes in the bathtub because there were so many and once had to pay to get my phone reconnected because I'd been too lazy to go pay the bill.
So now, I temper my expectations of my son by being as realistic as possible. Yes, he's a grown man. No he's not self supporting. Yes, I was on my own working full time. No, I wasn't in university with the intent to get a degree. Yes, I partied all night, every night and had a great time going out with a bunch of different guys. No, my son is not a party animal, in fact he's a self proclaimed "nerd" (a fact as a mom I vehemently disagree with, of course) and has a girlfriend who I can very well see him being with for the rest of his life.
Here I need to address something which my sister pointed out to me after reading one of my posts about spanking: http://campbellscoup.blogspot.com/2010/03/to-liz-wherever-you-may-be.html
She told me I'd made it sound like he'd been raised by monks which couldn't be further from the truth. He was not raised in a bubble and was exposed to his fair share of bad influences which he somehow managed to choose not to emulate. He's had his piercings (something I didn't object to once he was 18 and have since been removed of his own accord) and is finally on the verge of acquiring his long awaited tattoo, a reproduction of one of my brother's tattoos that holds deep meaning for my son. It will be interesting to see how that goes because one thing's for sure, my boy is not good with pain!
Anyway, for now, even though my boy is grown, I'm still mom and still thinking and figuring out how to do things right. How to not be too intrusive yet still have expectations, how to support without enabling, how to balance friendship and respect in my role as a parent to an adult. Wow, what a thing that is to write out loud.
Spanking magical? I think not!!!
Found myself on a blog that extols the necessity to spank, something which I am opposed to. Will it scar a child forever in and of itself? Likely not. Will it set a tone and affect the parent child relationship in a negative way? You bet. The following is the commentary I made on the aforementioned blog. I thought it may have more of an impact here on my own blog than lost amongst the pro spanking, bible quoting, "God" said to do it, I wonder what I'm going to do when my child is a teen and too big for me to hit? type folks. So, for what it's worth, the following is what I wrote.
I was in line at a grocery checkout and the woman ahead of me reached for a magazine on the shelf. The young boy with her ducked down and cringed as her arm went by him. At the time my now twenty year old was just reaching toddler stage. It was at this moment I had confirmation that what I’d always believed was true. Hitting a child is wrong, no matter what the circumstances and that it was not something I would ever do to my son. That he would never have to cringe around me or fear that I would hurt him physically. I would be one person for sure that he could always feel safe with. People can argue that spanking is a way of “cultivating character, selflessness, obedience and self-control”, but there’s surely no way to argue that it sets an example of these qualities we so want to instill in our children.
The rest of this post is what I wrote in response to a woman who asks the questions, "So I ask again – how do you keep these negative emotions in check? how do you prevent from yelling at your child in anger? or being sarcastic (something I’m doing a lot more these days)? let alone swatting your child in anger…"
“K, you need to know I’m angry right now because you’re not listening. If you don’t stop what you’re doing right now I am going to take your favorite toy away for a whole day, and I won’t be changing my mind!”
“You know what son/daughter? I made a mistake. I said no too quickly and there’s really no reason why you can’t have another cookie. Sorry.”
“You know what? I think one cookie is enough for today because you’ve been eating lots of junk lately, and I won’t be changing my mind.”
“Wow. I can’t believe I just yelled like that. I’m really sorry. What you did was wrong but it doesn’t mean I should scream at you like that. Now, please just go to your room and I’ll tell when you can come out. What you did/are doing isn’t allowed.”
“If you continue to do that while we’re visiting you’re going to have to sit on my knee and not play with the other kids. Alright, you’re not doing as I asked so come on, you’re sitting on my knee for a bit.”
“We’re going to the grocery store and I’m sorry but you’re going to have to come with me. I know it’s boring and you get hot in your jacket but I’ll shop as quickly as possible. Please don’t ask me for anything because I am not buying any treats today. If you do start bugging me for stuff you won’t have any tv when we get home. Do you understand? Great, now let’s get this stinkin shopping done with sweetie, I love you and I know you can do this.”
All of these instances are obviously applied in an age appropriate manner. Remember though, young children understand plenty more than some people think. Very small children just have to be removed from the “Christmas tree” over and over to somewhere it’s an effort to crawl back from and they’ll tire of it. A firm “nooo” and removing them should be the practice. They’re babies and we took on the responsibility to watch and teach them when we decided to become parents. It’s tiresome but staying patient yet firm and consistent will pay off eventually.
If you are feeling especially grouchy one day for whatever reason, warn your child ahead of time. “Oh wow, I feel very grouchy today. I don’t know why and it’s got nothing to do with you but I just want to warn you I may have less patience than normal.”
And another thing, try and remember how YOU felt when you were a child. It’s the least we can do.
I was in line at a grocery checkout and the woman ahead of me reached for a magazine on the shelf. The young boy with her ducked down and cringed as her arm went by him. At the time my now twenty year old was just reaching toddler stage. It was at this moment I had confirmation that what I’d always believed was true. Hitting a child is wrong, no matter what the circumstances and that it was not something I would ever do to my son. That he would never have to cringe around me or fear that I would hurt him physically. I would be one person for sure that he could always feel safe with. People can argue that spanking is a way of “cultivating character, selflessness, obedience and self-control”, but there’s surely no way to argue that it sets an example of these qualities we so want to instill in our children.
The rest of this post is what I wrote in response to a woman who asks the questions, "So I ask again – how do you keep these negative emotions in check? how do you prevent from yelling at your child in anger? or being sarcastic (something I’m doing a lot more these days)? let alone swatting your child in anger…"
“K, you need to know I’m angry right now because you’re not listening. If you don’t stop what you’re doing right now I am going to take your favorite toy away for a whole day, and I won’t be changing my mind!”
“You know what son/daughter? I made a mistake. I said no too quickly and there’s really no reason why you can’t have another cookie. Sorry.”
“You know what? I think one cookie is enough for today because you’ve been eating lots of junk lately, and I won’t be changing my mind.”
“Wow. I can’t believe I just yelled like that. I’m really sorry. What you did was wrong but it doesn’t mean I should scream at you like that. Now, please just go to your room and I’ll tell when you can come out. What you did/are doing isn’t allowed.”
“If you continue to do that while we’re visiting you’re going to have to sit on my knee and not play with the other kids. Alright, you’re not doing as I asked so come on, you’re sitting on my knee for a bit.”
“We’re going to the grocery store and I’m sorry but you’re going to have to come with me. I know it’s boring and you get hot in your jacket but I’ll shop as quickly as possible. Please don’t ask me for anything because I am not buying any treats today. If you do start bugging me for stuff you won’t have any tv when we get home. Do you understand? Great, now let’s get this stinkin shopping done with sweetie, I love you and I know you can do this.”
All of these instances are obviously applied in an age appropriate manner. Remember though, young children understand plenty more than some people think. Very small children just have to be removed from the “Christmas tree” over and over to somewhere it’s an effort to crawl back from and they’ll tire of it. A firm “nooo” and removing them should be the practice. They’re babies and we took on the responsibility to watch and teach them when we decided to become parents. It’s tiresome but staying patient yet firm and consistent will pay off eventually.
If you are feeling especially grouchy one day for whatever reason, warn your child ahead of time. “Oh wow, I feel very grouchy today. I don’t know why and it’s got nothing to do with you but I just want to warn you I may have less patience than normal.”
And another thing, try and remember how YOU felt when you were a child. It’s the least we can do.
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