The other day my mom talked about making perogies with her friend's daughter. Two hundred of them! All for the friend's daughter, none even for my mom to take home (which if you knew my mom is shocking in itself). Wow. Nice thing for my mom to do, she has never done that with me. It's like pulling teeth for her to cough up a perogy or two for my son and I unless someone special is in town visiting and dinner is at my place. Oohh, sounds bitter, eh? Jealous right? Well, it was. But when I think about it now, the LAST thing I feel like doing is making a few hundred perogies with my mother! Yeah, no, not my idea of fun.
So? Why would I be jealous of something I don't even want? Well, of course it wasn't the perogy making experience I wanted, what I was jealous of was someone getting something I don't have and what I don't have is a storybook relationship with my mom.
I think it's all about desire to have something that's very difficult to obtain. Especially when it comes to mothers and daughters. I'm trying to think of someone, anyone that I know that has the ideal mother/daughter relationship and I'm drawing a blank.
People talk about baggage in romantic relationships, well I think we also have it familial relationships. I think parents bring their own from growing up which is then thrown on to the pile that starts accumulating when they have kids. Why do we expect it to be any different than any other relationships? Sure there is a different kind of connection but the dynamic is the same. In fact, many times we treat our family members with less consideration than we would an acquaintance or a stranger on the street.
Good relationships take effort, by all parties involved. It's my opinion that those special parent/child relationships that do on occasion exist have taken effort and commitment early in the child's life and then an ongoing dedication on behalf of both parties to continue to work things out, to care about how each other are feeling, to really be prepared to apologize when warranted and try to see where the other is coming from.
Just wanting something doesn't make it so. And if it isn't so, let go gracefully. Quit banging your head against the wall. Nothing is automatic, no relationship is effortless or magical.
It's natural to wish something were a certain way, but it's important to have the strength to recognize when that's all it will ever be, is a wish. I'm not saying jump ship necessarily, that's for us all to decide as individuals, but let go of the fantasy. Stop setting yourself up for failure and disappointment and try and see things as they really are.
You never know, maybe what actually is will be a hell of a lot better than continuing to hope for something that never will be.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Saturday
In the eye of the beholder
I came across a blog yesterday that has a post entitled Adoptee Cliques and it got me thinking about how this group phenomena occurs. I think I know what some of the perceived reasons or impetus for the dissension are, I just have no clue how to resolve or dispel them. Perhaps it's not possible to put an end to online adoptee cliques.
I'll start out by mentioning some adoption scenarios I've had personal experience with and a few I know of by reading around the various online resources that exists. By no means will I or could I list them all. There are far, far too many and really, every single situation is unique to the individuals involved which in turn affects the experience of the adopted person.
Some that feel like they never fit in to their adoptive families, some that feel they did.
Some believe they suffer from a primal wound, some who feel they don't.
Some were born in different countries than they were raised, some who were not.
Some who feel the need to search, some who do not.
Some search and are embraced, some search and are rejected.
Some who have always known they were adopted, some found out as adults.
Some who feel being adopted was a negative in their life but still love their parents.
Some who can't stand their parents but don't feel being adopted was a negative.
Some who feel their god was instrumental, some who don't think their god had anything to do with it.
Some feel relieved to have been adopted, some feel it was completely unnecessary.
Some who feel like their adoptive family is their "real" family, some who do not.
There are many, many more ways adopted people feel and possible reasons for why they feel that way. I could take much of what I've already listed and interchange them and it would apply to someone.
I personally think we do each other a disservice by dismissing each other's realities. I understand it's human nature to gravitate toward those who are of like minds. It's comforting, it assures us we're "ok", normal.
How can we get to a place where we don't mock one another? Gang up on each other? Present a place where people who are adopted can truly say how they feel about being adopted without fear of being rejected or attacked by other adopted people?
Some may think I am the kind of person who isannoyingly eternally optimistic. The "turn that frown upside down" type, and they'd be mostly right. Except for in the adoptee vs adoptee ring. I am not optimistic at all.
I think there is innate desire to categorize ourselves into good and bad adoptees. I think we've been told they exist, and deep down we want them to. Don't get me wrong, I believe a person can be in a situation where they want to be or are expected to be a "good" adoptee, that if they aren't they won't be as loved or accepted. They must appear grateful, or else. I also believe that an adopted person can honestly and freely be totally fine with it, be almost fine with it, kinda ok with it, have fleeting moments where it's not the worst thing in the world, or just downright think it's the worst thing that could have happened.
Good and bad is in the eye of the beholder. Don't you dare slip from grace.
I'll start out by mentioning some adoption scenarios I've had personal experience with and a few I know of by reading around the various online resources that exists. By no means will I or could I list them all. There are far, far too many and really, every single situation is unique to the individuals involved which in turn affects the experience of the adopted person.
- Domestic, closed, infant adoption. (That's me)
- Domestic, closed, infant adoption to a good family (That's me too!)
- Domestic, closed, infant to a crap family
- Domestic, closed adoption of an infant willingly given up. (Me again)
- Domestic, closed adoption of an infant who was coerced or abducted from it's parents(s)
- Replace domestic with international on the first 5
- Add transracial to the first 5
- Subtract closed from the first 5 but add toddler/older child from foster care
- Take 1 but subtract domestic, add international, and divide by life and death medical circumstance
- Take all 10 and multiply by 20 years ago. Then by 30. By 40. 50.60.70.80.90
Some that feel like they never fit in to their adoptive families, some that feel they did.
Some believe they suffer from a primal wound, some who feel they don't.
Some were born in different countries than they were raised, some who were not.
Some who feel the need to search, some who do not.
Some search and are embraced, some search and are rejected.
Some who have always known they were adopted, some found out as adults.
Some who feel being adopted was a negative in their life but still love their parents.
Some who can't stand their parents but don't feel being adopted was a negative.
Some who feel their god was instrumental, some who don't think their god had anything to do with it.
Some feel relieved to have been adopted, some feel it was completely unnecessary.
Some who feel like their adoptive family is their "real" family, some who do not.
There are many, many more ways adopted people feel and possible reasons for why they feel that way. I could take much of what I've already listed and interchange them and it would apply to someone.
I personally think we do each other a disservice by dismissing each other's realities. I understand it's human nature to gravitate toward those who are of like minds. It's comforting, it assures us we're "ok", normal.
How can we get to a place where we don't mock one another? Gang up on each other? Present a place where people who are adopted can truly say how they feel about being adopted without fear of being rejected or attacked by other adopted people?
Some may think I am the kind of person who is
I think there is innate desire to categorize ourselves into good and bad adoptees. I think we've been told they exist, and deep down we want them to. Don't get me wrong, I believe a person can be in a situation where they want to be or are expected to be a "good" adoptee, that if they aren't they won't be as loved or accepted. They must appear grateful, or else. I also believe that an adopted person can honestly and freely be totally fine with it, be almost fine with it, kinda ok with it, have fleeting moments where it's not the worst thing in the world, or just downright think it's the worst thing that could have happened.
Good and bad is in the eye of the beholder. Don't you dare slip from grace.
Thursday
"No one deserves to be hated for who they are"
As a child growing up in foster care I would have given ANYTHING for a home, a family, someone to love me. I prayed for it every single night. I still have a letter I wrote to Santa when I was 8 years old asking for a family. I didn't really believe in Santa as a child, but I wrote to him anyway in case he might be real.
This is an excerpt from a post I've recently come across that I thought was pretty amazing so I asked for permission to share it here.
Check it out on Percolated Paradox, a blog "On life, love, therapy and surviving foster care".
This is an excerpt from a post I've recently come across that I thought was pretty amazing so I asked for permission to share it here.
Check it out on Percolated Paradox, a blog "On life, love, therapy and surviving foster care".
It's a little more than just luck
I spent last weekend out of town attending my cousin's wedding. Now this particular cousin is my "best" guy cousin. We were very close growing up spending tons of time together as our moms are sisters and also close.
Everything that went on is still running through my thoughts. There was a bit of everything as far as emotions go.
Pride. There are two main things I was proud of, one being my son and the other being the closeness of the family that were in attendance.
I was proud of my son for just being with me. He's twenty and much of the time twenty year olds have better things than family functions to do. Initially he'd said he'd not attend but then changed his mind because he felt he'd not been doing many family things lately and although I told him it wasn't necessary, I know he partially came to be with me. After much consideration I'd decided I'd drive my mom the fourteen hours to attend the wedding, something which my husband was not keen on in the slightest so had decided to pass on the trip (I promised my husband years ago that I'd never be the type to insist he do anything he didn't want and have stuck by my words. I'm a firm believer that it's better to be without someone who doesn't want to be somewhere, and when it's something that's important to me for him to be at, he just is, without me having to ask).
I've been traveling with my son by car, train, plane since he was two so we travel very well together, both of us being laid back and able to easily adapt to most situations. My mom, on the other hand, doesn't travel or live this way so it was very nice to have my ally with me, my breath of fresh air, my eye rolling partner, my now grown son and friend. To see him connecting with cousins, chatting with other people he'd just met, helping me gps around town, and just generally be my partner in crime was awesome and made me very proud to be his mom.
The other thing I was proud of was something observed and pointed out to me by a lovely woman I sat beside at the wedding reception. This new acquaintance has no family to speak of and was marveling at how we cousins knew each other and how important we all appeared to be to each other. How the aunts, uncles, mothers, fathers, and cousins who are no longer with us were honoured and toasted in speeches. You could see in her face that she hadn't even thought this type of closeness really existed in families. We talked a bit about it, the reasons for it, with both of us deciding that although there is some luck in having closeness in family, it has to be important to the people involved or luck just wouldn't be enough.
It takes care and patience. A willingness to want it and the ability to accept differences. Many times it's necessary to forgive, even if forgetting is impossible. It can mean letting go of our visions of what we think our family should be like and accepting what is. Sometimes it means apologizing or just letting go of old baggage, agreeing to disagree with a hug and a smile. Families are never without their issues, sometimes serious issues. If they're solvable though, they won't get solved on their own.
It's an amazing feeling to be with and enjoy family. I am so fortunate.
Everything that went on is still running through my thoughts. There was a bit of everything as far as emotions go.
Pride. There are two main things I was proud of, one being my son and the other being the closeness of the family that were in attendance.
I was proud of my son for just being with me. He's twenty and much of the time twenty year olds have better things than family functions to do. Initially he'd said he'd not attend but then changed his mind because he felt he'd not been doing many family things lately and although I told him it wasn't necessary, I know he partially came to be with me. After much consideration I'd decided I'd drive my mom the fourteen hours to attend the wedding, something which my husband was not keen on in the slightest so had decided to pass on the trip (I promised my husband years ago that I'd never be the type to insist he do anything he didn't want and have stuck by my words. I'm a firm believer that it's better to be without someone who doesn't want to be somewhere, and when it's something that's important to me for him to be at, he just is, without me having to ask).
I've been traveling with my son by car, train, plane since he was two so we travel very well together, both of us being laid back and able to easily adapt to most situations. My mom, on the other hand, doesn't travel or live this way so it was very nice to have my ally with me, my breath of fresh air, my eye rolling partner, my now grown son and friend. To see him connecting with cousins, chatting with other people he'd just met, helping me gps around town, and just generally be my partner in crime was awesome and made me very proud to be his mom.
The other thing I was proud of was something observed and pointed out to me by a lovely woman I sat beside at the wedding reception. This new acquaintance has no family to speak of and was marveling at how we cousins knew each other and how important we all appeared to be to each other. How the aunts, uncles, mothers, fathers, and cousins who are no longer with us were honoured and toasted in speeches. You could see in her face that she hadn't even thought this type of closeness really existed in families. We talked a bit about it, the reasons for it, with both of us deciding that although there is some luck in having closeness in family, it has to be important to the people involved or luck just wouldn't be enough.
It takes care and patience. A willingness to want it and the ability to accept differences. Many times it's necessary to forgive, even if forgetting is impossible. It can mean letting go of our visions of what we think our family should be like and accepting what is. Sometimes it means apologizing or just letting go of old baggage, agreeing to disagree with a hug and a smile. Families are never without their issues, sometimes serious issues. If they're solvable though, they won't get solved on their own.
It's an amazing feeling to be with and enjoy family. I am so fortunate.
Sunday
Conversation, IRL
In conversation this morning with son and husband, adoption came up, as it has a tendency to do.
It was a result of me asking my husband if I'd told him before that my mom had recently told me I was kept in the hospital for a month or so prior to them taking me home (I had to look back in my blog to this post in order to confirm the month as I'd said 6 months this morning...wow, proof positive of how as story gets embellished) and how it doesn't appear to have affected me. I did confirm that "I seem unaffected, don't I?".
The discussion moved all over the place from there.
We covered how a psychology text book conveys the notion that a child isn't so much affected by being adopted but rather by who they are adopted to, that it's so different to be adopted by a family of another race in that it's much more difficult to escape the fact that one is adopted unless the adopted person is not with their family, or, as my son pointed out, they're at home with only their family.
We talked about the notion that adopted people are more likely to give a child up for adoption to validate their experience, to make it ok, a notion I cannot entertain in application to myself (it was always in my thoughts to NOT ever do this because my biological mother did), but understand it in the way that it's a fact that human beings do perpetuate cycles and behaviors that logically they shouldn't/wouldn't be as likely to perpetuate as someone else, as they are aware of how it feels.
We discussed how although some of the online discussion seems just plain "stupid" (my son's word) that much of it is necessary to attempt to educate and how although I think it's fantastic and helpful it always sticks in my head that people who could quite likely do a perfectly acceptable job of parenting a child they've adopted without all the extra information have the potential to become "afraid" of their child, and this will do exactly the opposite of what all the educating is (hopefully) meant to be doing. How an attempt to "help" prospective adoptive parents be better parents unintentionally could possibly do just what's trying to curb.
We talked about a supposed group of women who are talking about adopting out children intentionally with the purpose of supplying childless parents with a gift of a child, something to which my husband reacted in disbelief comparing the act to giving someone a golf club if they didn't have one of their own, that it couldn't be that simple, it wouldn't be normal. We talked about how this scenario was entirely different than a woman who finds herself pregnant with a child she doesn't want, that this scenario certainly does exist.
I'm off to a family gathering today where I'll likely see a baby, newly adopted by a cousin, and another cousin who, as he ages, is the spitting image of my beloved dad who I miss especially at these family events.
I'm looking forward to it all. I love family shit.
It was a result of me asking my husband if I'd told him before that my mom had recently told me I was kept in the hospital for a month or so prior to them taking me home (I had to look back in my blog to this post in order to confirm the month as I'd said 6 months this morning...wow, proof positive of how as story gets embellished) and how it doesn't appear to have affected me. I did confirm that "I seem unaffected, don't I?".
The discussion moved all over the place from there.
We covered how a psychology text book conveys the notion that a child isn't so much affected by being adopted but rather by who they are adopted to, that it's so different to be adopted by a family of another race in that it's much more difficult to escape the fact that one is adopted unless the adopted person is not with their family, or, as my son pointed out, they're at home with only their family.
We talked about the notion that adopted people are more likely to give a child up for adoption to validate their experience, to make it ok, a notion I cannot entertain in application to myself (it was always in my thoughts to NOT ever do this because my biological mother did), but understand it in the way that it's a fact that human beings do perpetuate cycles and behaviors that logically they shouldn't/wouldn't be as likely to perpetuate as someone else, as they are aware of how it feels.
We discussed how although some of the online discussion seems just plain "stupid" (my son's word) that much of it is necessary to attempt to educate and how although I think it's fantastic and helpful it always sticks in my head that people who could quite likely do a perfectly acceptable job of parenting a child they've adopted without all the extra information have the potential to become "afraid" of their child, and this will do exactly the opposite of what all the educating is (hopefully) meant to be doing. How an attempt to "help" prospective adoptive parents be better parents unintentionally could possibly do just what's trying to curb.
We talked about a supposed group of women who are talking about adopting out children intentionally with the purpose of supplying childless parents with a gift of a child, something to which my husband reacted in disbelief comparing the act to giving someone a golf club if they didn't have one of their own, that it couldn't be that simple, it wouldn't be normal. We talked about how this scenario was entirely different than a woman who finds herself pregnant with a child she doesn't want, that this scenario certainly does exist.
I'm off to a family gathering today where I'll likely see a baby, newly adopted by a cousin, and another cousin who, as he ages, is the spitting image of my beloved dad who I miss especially at these family events.
I'm looking forward to it all. I love family shit.
Tuesday
Enough already
"Had you not met the child you are raising, would you miss her?" -This has got to be one of the most ridiculous questions I've ever seen.
"Would she seek you out or cry for you had she not been adopted by you or not been adopted at all?" - Oh wait, this is the most ridiculous question.
Kids sitting in foster care or orphanages (or stuck with crap parents who resent their existence) are most certainly crying out for someone to come along and adopt them and love them and care for them. Before it's pointed out to me that adopters aren't interested in older kids, that they just want babies, than it's the biological parents that should shoulder the blame for not surrendering these abandoned, sometimes abused, older children when they were babies!
Adoption isn't always "rainbows and unicorns" but it isn't always coercion and human trafficking either.
What people seem to forget is that there are kids born to parents who DON'T REALLY WANT THEM. With any luck they are then raised by good people who do.
This online adoption community is made up of adoptees and biological mothers who refuse to admit this.
Can we please remember that there is still a child sitting in Russia, children sitting all over the world, without parents. Babies being conceived everyday to people who don't want them! They are just as entitled to be raised by a family who loves them as anyone else.
If later they then have some issues with the fact that their biological parents wouldn't/couldn't keep them well at least there's a chance that they have those issues coupled with the knowledge that someone loves them and cares about them, even if it's the evil adopters.
I for one am thankful that I'm not sitting here wondering what it would have been like to have been adopted by someone who loved me and cared for me.
"Would she seek you out or cry for you had she not been adopted by you or not been adopted at all?" - Oh wait, this is the most ridiculous question.
Kids sitting in foster care or orphanages (or stuck with crap parents who resent their existence) are most certainly crying out for someone to come along and adopt them and love them and care for them. Before it's pointed out to me that adopters aren't interested in older kids, that they just want babies, than it's the biological parents that should shoulder the blame for not surrendering these abandoned, sometimes abused, older children when they were babies!
Adoption isn't always "rainbows and unicorns" but it isn't always coercion and human trafficking either.
What people seem to forget is that there are kids born to parents who DON'T REALLY WANT THEM. With any luck they are then raised by good people who do.
This online adoption community is made up of adoptees and biological mothers who refuse to admit this.
Can we please remember that there is still a child sitting in Russia, children sitting all over the world, without parents. Babies being conceived everyday to people who don't want them! They are just as entitled to be raised by a family who loves them as anyone else.
If later they then have some issues with the fact that their biological parents wouldn't/couldn't keep them well at least there's a chance that they have those issues coupled with the knowledge that someone loves them and cares about them, even if it's the evil adopters.
I for one am thankful that I'm not sitting here wondering what it would have been like to have been adopted by someone who loved me and cared for me.
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