"Think before you breed"

I know, kinda sensational for a blog title but it's a direct quote taken from one of the many comments on this article.  Quite a variety of perspectives going on over there.

The article itself isn't surprising to me but it appears that it is to some of the people commenting which is why I wanted to mention it. I've talked about postpartum depression and very normal, less than storybook maternal feelings and reactions to motherhood here before. How myths place unrealistic expectations on females, how the myths themselves create standards and judgments that prevent a mom from telling someone she feels overwhelmed, nothing, or even homicidal.

We don't do ourselves or our children any favors by building each other up to automatically be perfect mommies just by the virtue of giving birth. Hormones, the sound of our heartbeats and voices in utero, and eye and skin contact upon birth aren't enough to carry us through the day to day realities of parenting and life.

In the article they talk about isolation being one of the factors linking cases of mothers murdering their children together.

What could be more isolating than being pregnant or parenting and not having the expected, supposedly natural and always present, conception and birth induced, perfect, sweet, protective, maternal feelings being perpetuated by motherhood myths?

I mean seriously, just who exactly are you going to tell? Sadly, sometimes tragically, probably nobody.

The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the myth -- persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.(Quote by - John F. Kennedy)

I don’t subscribe to the Primal Wound Theory as it's presented and the reason that I don’t is because I was adopted as an infant and I don’t have a primal wound. Not sure one could have a much more valid reason for being a non-believer. It’s basically the same as believing a primal wound exists because one has a primal wound. Except for, my experience negates Nancy Verrier’s declaration that a primal wound is inescapable, universal and that means something.

It means you don’t automatically have a primal wound if you were not raised by your biological mother. Phew, eh?

I am however a believer in adoptee rights. 

I think you can be unwounded and still be concerned with discrimination against adopted persons when it comes to closed records of the adoptee’s own life. 

I think you can be unwounded and still care about kids being born today to parents that aren’t going to raise them. I care very much about who ends up raising them and how they go about it. In fact, I care about how people are raising all kids, kept or not.

Something else I care about is biological parents’ feelings. Their fear, their shame. I believe their feelings should be taken into consideration when opening up records to adoptees. I really do. I’m well aware that the online community say repeatedly that parents, mainly mothers, were not, by law, guaranteed privacy, anonymity. I guess that’s most likely true, I’d be surprised to see a mother pull out documentation proving otherwise. They also say though that mothers weren’t even verbally made promises of confidentiality, not led to believe they’d never be found, led to believe that their secret would always remain a secret.

Don’t believe it.

As with the Primal Wound Theory not applying in my case, I am here to say that my biological mother did believe I’d never find her, that her secret would never be threatened. That it was up to her to decide who in her life would know about me, about what she did 48 years ago and me finding her was “never supposed to happen”. Yes, she was done a great disservice, a disservice I don’t think should be taken lightly.

I’m not sure what the answer is. I’m not sure any legislation will ever be fair to all parties, but I don’t think it does anyone any good to think it’s just adoption agencies and adoptive parents who don’t want open records.

Maybe if we could all just be honest about adoption and how it means different things to different people there could be some progress made.

Not every mother and father wants to be found, regrets having chosen adoption, dreams of the day they will meet their long lost son or daughter. It’s just not fair to perpetuate that type of myth, not fair to anyone, and most especially not fair to the adoptees who yearn to reunite and think it will make everything all better, just as myths and dishonesty are not helpful in achieving open records.

Even though I truly believe we’re the only ones who can make ourselves feel better, it would be nice to get some help along the way and I think a little honesty and a lot more realism would go very far in doing just that. 

To be more clear

In a post I made yesterday I linked to your blog (here). I just discovered you yesterday in an attempt to find resources that address the myth of instant bonding and/or love of all mothers. I am trying to bring awareness to this issue but am sorely lacking in experience and knowledge regarding it. In my limited understanding it’s my feeling that there is a societal expectation that women are expected to automatically, upon giving birth, perhaps even prior to, be magically attached/bonded/in love/perfectly competent, or whatever and this is not always the case. The fact that society expects it, or pretends it, attaches a stigma to the mom who is not feeling all these things immediately which exacerbates the problem by forcing her to be silent for fear of being judged, for fear of being imperfect or incapable.
My question to you is am I off base here? And would you ever consider writing me a “quickie” guest post addressing this myth?


Campbell,
Thank you for visiting my blog, for taking the time to post a comment, and esp. for linking to my post about infant bonding! Instant bonding is indeed a myth, which only serves to worsen a mother's postpartum experience. If she has postpartum depression, well, that just aggravates her feelings of guilt all the more. Your comment agrees with the gist of my post about debunking the myth of instant bonding. You are not off base. It's society in general that's way off base, and putting all that mythical stuff out there to cause first-time mothers to have unnecessarily high expectations is something I'd like society to stop at some point. That can only happen if there are enough voices out there in blogs, the news, magazines, books, etc. join together to speak the truth.
Ivy
http://ivysppdblog.wordpress.com

Backward insight and empirical evidence? Don't ask me, I'm with stupid.

 The following is commentary from one of my posts. Baby blues and postpartum depression are not something that should be dismissed or ignored. THAT'S when it becomes dangerous. Included are links to as many seemingly legitimate sites (that I could dig up in twenty minutes) addressing the myth of all mothers bonding instantly at first sight of their newborn.

"The emotional side is different - mothers are not supposed to "unwant" their children. Most generally experience hormonal changes in pregnancy that nurtures the instinct to love and care for their children."

I don't mean this to sound condescending, please believe me, but this statement is fairy tale like. Forever and a day women have been saddled with children they do not want. Pregnancy does not conjure up some magical love potion, in fact, it's been known to invoke quite the opposite. Giving birth does not a "mother" make. Many mothers do not feel an immediate love for their newborn and the stereotype you describe can be the cause sometimes, I think, of a new mom being unwilling to admit she's exhausted, or just plain "not feeling it" because of the pressure to be this perfect maternal model. It's funny actually, the "rainbows and unicorn" label given to adoption can easily be applied to the act of giving birth and the euphoria and love that's expected to be automatic and "natural". Being a new mom is damn hard work and any chance I get I'll tell them to accept the feelings of exhaustion, that it's ok to feel like you want to chuck your baby out the window because they just won't stop crying and you haven't slept for days. It's when new moms have to pretend these feelings don't exist or that they feel pressure to hide them that they end up doing things I don't even want to go into here.

http://www.babycenter.ca/baby/newborn/bonding/

http://ivysppdblog.wordpress.com/2009/09/02/the-myth-that-all-mothers-have-to-bond-instantly-and-at-first-sight/

http://www.lifewithnewbaby.ca/ppmd_story3.htm

http://www.indiaparenting.com/newborn-care/254_3607/debunking-new-mother-myths.html

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-brain/200912/baby-blues-search-beyond-neurons

http://www.postpartum.org/index.htm

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200209/birth-and-the-blues

http://www.thelaboroflove.com/articles/i-cant-seem-to-bond-with-my-infant-is-there-something-wrong/

 http://www.parentsupersite.com/ad/pregnancy/postpartum/postpartum-depression-a-secret-shame.html

 http://www.cmha.ca/bins/content_page.asp?cid=3-86-87-88

 http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=53751

 http://kidshealth.org/parent/pregnancy_newborn/communicating/bonding.html#

 http://earlychildhood.suite101.com/article.cfm/the_importance_of_bonding_with_a_baby

 http://www.metrokids.com/MetroKids/March-2010/Bonding-with-Baby-Isn-039t-Automatic/