In the eye of the beholder

I came across a blog yesterday that has a post entitled Adoptee Cliques and it got me thinking about how this group phenomena occurs. I think I know what some of the perceived reasons or impetus for the dissension are, I just have no clue how to resolve or dispel them. Perhaps it's not possible to put an end to online adoptee cliques.

I'll start out by mentioning some adoption scenarios I've had personal experience with and a few I know of by reading around the various online resources that exists. By no means will I or could I list them all. There are far, far too many and really, every single situation is unique to the individuals involved which in turn affects the experience of the adopted person.

1. Domestic, closed, infant adoption. (That's me)
2. Domestic, closed, infant adoption to a good family (That's me too!)
3. Domestic, closed, infant to a crap family
4. Domestic, closed adoption of an infant willingly given up. (Me again)
5. Domestic, closed adoption of an infant who was coerced or abducted from it's parents(s)
6. Replace domestic with international on the first 5
7. Add transracial to the first 5
8. Subtract closed from the first 5 but add toddler/older child from foster care
9. Take 1 but subtract domestic, add international, and divide by life and death medical circumstance
10. Take all 10 and multiply by 20 years ago. Then by 30. By 40. 50.60.70.80.90

There are adopted people who feel abandoned, there are those who do not.
Some that feel like they never fit in to their adoptive families, some that feel they did.
Some believe they suffer from a primal wound, some who feel they don't.
Some were born in different countries than they were raised, some who were not.
Some who feel the need to search, some who do not.
Some search and are embraced, some search and are rejected.
Some who have always known they were adopted, some found out as adults.
Some who feel being adopted was a negative in their life but still love their parents.
Some who can't stand their parents but don't feel being adopted was a negative.
Some who feel their god was instrumental, some who don't think their god had anything to do with it.
Some feel relieved to have been adopted, some feel it was completely unnecessary.
Some who feel like their adoptive family is their "real" family, some who do not.

There are many, many more ways adopted people feel and possible reasons for why they feel that way. I could take much of what I've already listed and interchange them and it would apply to someone.

I personally think we do each other a disservice by dismissing each other's realities. I understand it's human nature to gravitate toward those who are of like minds. It's comforting, it assures us we're "ok", normal.

How can we get to a place where we don't mock one another? Gang up on each other? Present a place where people who are adopted can truly say how they feel about being adopted without fear of being rejected or attacked by other adopted people?

Some may think I am the kind of person who is annoyingly eternally optimistic. The "turn that frown upside down" type, and they'd be mostly right. Except for in the adoptee vs adoptee ring. I am not optimistic at all.

I think there is innate desire to categorize ourselves into good and bad adoptees. I think we've been told they exist, and deep down we want them to.  Don't get me wrong, I believe a person can be in a situation where they want to be or are expected to be a "good" adoptee, that if they aren't they won't be as loved or accepted. They must appear grateful, or else. I also believe that an adopted person can honestly and freely be totally fine with it, be almost fine with it, kinda ok with it, have fleeting moments where it's not the worst thing in the world, or just downright think it's the worst thing that could have happened.

Good and bad is in the eye of the beholder. Don't you dare slip from grace.

Yikes...what if they read this

Had a great visit with my oldest and dearest friend the other night. I mentioned I was writing this blog and was in the final stages of developing a product to sell to the world. Of course she was interested and asked where the blog was so she could give it a read. As I told her, "it's Campbell Scoup, yeah, like soup but with a c" I got a slight feeling of panic. Oh man, is there something I've written that will upset her? And if not yet, will I in the future? Will I be able to write honestly and candidly with the knowledge someone I know and care about is reading what I write? So far the only person reading this blog that knows who I am is my son and while he's very helpful in pointing out grammatical errors and possible misuses of words nothing I've written or will write in the future will hurt his feelings or come as a shock to him and if it does, we'll just discuss it. No big deal.
So I mentioned this concern to my friend and told her if she disagreed with something I'd said that I hoped she would comment. That I hoped anyone with an opinion would.

One can hardly espouse parenting without ego and not do the same with blogging...right?