Que demanderiez-vous prospective (prospective adoptive parents or guardians)?

I was out with my son last night eating french food, drinking sangria, and listening to a jazz trio on an outdoor patio on a beautiful summer evening. I can't believe summer is almost gone...sigh.

My son's friend that had joined us was telling me how he thinks he might parent any future children he may have. His plan for discipline was to make it something physical, like holding a book with a straight arm for ten minutes. After choking a little on my Coquille St.Jacques I declared that sounds completely military, which in hindsight shouldn't be all that surprising as this particular young man has experienced some military training. We had a great discussion about it all but it stuck with me as I'd already been thinking about the types of questions that parents who've decided on adoption would ask potential adoptive parents, and just what exactly I'd ask someone to determine their philosophy on parenting. I guess you could even go further and apply this to people naming guardians for their children in the event of death.

It's clear that discipline is an important issue to me, I've written about my thoughts on corporal punishment a few times here. Childcare is also important to me. Just who exactly would actually be with my child. Would it be the parents or would they have to rely on some kind of constant daycare? Sometimes if you add up the hours of time spent with working parents, it's far less than with whomever is providing them with babysitting/daycare. And the quality of the time spent with the working parents? Not very high. People are busy and tired at the end of the day, not the best setting for talks and goofing off together.

Are sips of mom or dad's alcoholic beverage ok? What are the food philosophies of the prospective parents? You must eat everything on your plate? Are sleepovers allowed? Homeschooling, public or private? Should babies be left to cry, can they be spoiled by too much attention? Are beauty pageants on the agenda? What happens if the parents are married and split up or one parents dies? What are the prospective parent's feelings on introducing boyfriends or girlfriends into the child's life? What's the attitude toward extra curricular activities? Can a boy take ballet? Can a girl play hockey or rugby? Will you go to the games and would you volunteer to coach? Would I cringe and move away from you at your son or daughter's baseball game? How old should kids be before they walk to school alone? Is Halloween allowed? Would you buy or make costumes? Can your son have long hair if he wants? What age will you talk to your kids about sex? Would you help to provide birth control to your teen? How would you react if your child is gay? If your toddler bit someone, would you bite them back to show them how it feels? How do you think you'd teach your child not to lie? Is post secondary education a must in your mind?

I could sit here all day and think up things that matter to me in parenting. How does one best assess potential parents for, or guardians to, their children?

What would you ask?

Spare the rod ..... pleeeeease

So, a local radio station discussed this article in Time on "a new study published in Pediatrics, researchers at Tulane University provide the strongest evidence yet that children's short-term response to spanking may make them act out more in the long run."

The first woman who called in was a retired school teacher who gave parenting classes. She was against spanking but went further to say that parents have abandoned all discipline. That they were spending too much time reasoning with their kids instead of just being in charge. Saying no and meaning no. Being consistent. She said lots more, all of which was pretty on target and sensible, kind of made me smile to listen to her great advice.

And then....THEY started calling. Those people who think spanking is necessary. That they were spanked and they turned out just fine. Know what? Me too. I was spanked, I think I turned out fine too.

So has my son. In fact, turned out real good, without ever having been spanked once.

We actually had a pretty big fight yesterday, well, for us it was massive because we just don't fight or raise our voices. Needless to say we were both very upset after. We discussed what happened later in the evening, why it had escalated to what it did and just exactly what each of our roles were in the argument, and then we went for sushi (I paid). But, before we did, my son said it's lucky we're able to fix things like we did, that we can get back to where we were in our relationship, that we'd done no permanent damage. I told him we could do that because we've established respect and trust.

I don't think spanking is respectful. I don't think spanking instills trust.Yet, I know those are 2 of the most important ingredients in a successful child/parent relationship.

I don't believe there's even one valid reason to spank, to hit a little kid cause they did something you don't like. And you don't hit big kids...'cause, well, they're too big, and they might hit you back.