The Right Kind of Person

Having spent a significant amount of time with my stepson's daughter, my 'step' granddaughter, as in granddaughter I am not biologically related to, I stand by my belief that a love, or a bond if you prefer, can develop that's as strong or stronger that those of the blood related category.

It's also my opinion, though, that it takes a certain kind of person with a certain kind of attitude or openness.

A person who loves children of all ages and thinks about how they're thinking and feeling, cares about what their individual fears and emotional needs are. Of course this is important for all who are involved in raising children, it's just that with adoption or fostering or kinship care there's an opportunity to try and ensure that those children who for whatever reason aren't being raised by their biological parents will be placed with people who are right for the responsibility. People who adopt and want to love and raise other people's children because they can't have their own should be thoroughly screened and continue to be assessed to see if they're actually doing it properly. Really the same should apply to those who volunteer to foster, those we choose to stepparent our children, and even those caring for extended family members.

Outside influences can greatly affect emotional investment, another reason why it's very important the right kind of person is replacing biological parents. The right kind of person has the ability to not only empathize and be dedicated to thinking about how a child that's in their care is feeling and responding, but also to parent without ego, something I still feel is a key factor in being the best mom or dad one can be.

I would suggest to those who are caring for the children of others, in whatever capacity that may be happening, to concentrate on the child and nurturing that relationship and to work hard to separate how those around you are behaving and not take it out on the child. This could be a spouse, a sister or brother, parent, bio parent, in-law, neighbor, co-worker, or even a stranger in a grocery store. It's not easy and sometimes we have to back away or change the way we relate to the adults in our lives but if you're that right kind of person, you'll do everything in your power to not allow others to negatively affect the child.

The right kind of person will be dedicated to parenting without ego and keep the focus on the child and his or her emotional needs.

Honestly, it will be easier to be a grandmother to my own son's children. I do look forward to it, look forward to the ease with which I'll be able to relate to my son as a parent because of the great relationship he and I enjoy. We can discuss anything openly and honestly, with respect and care for one another which is something that's very helpful to a grandparent. That said, I couldn't love my darling, non blood related, little granddaughter anymore than I do.

I'm grateful I get to be that right kind of person.

They won't thank you later, believe me

Being adopted isn't a condition.

Yes, I concede various aspects of adoption can be the cause of a range of emotional and psychological issues. But, it isn't always.

People always talk about triggers, well here's one of mine. Every time I read about some adoptive parent consulting lists and/or books by various "experts" on being adopted and then diagnosing their kids, I am triggered. Do you want your kids to have these problems? Sometimes it really seems like it. Is there something to people parenting only adopted children and as a result are not aware that many of these so called adoptive child behaviours are regular old everyday things kids do when they're in a pissy mood after Christmas, they are being picked on in school for something completely unrelated to being adopted, they're reacting to YOU having the February gloom or just being stressed out about whatever?

Why can't kids who are adopted just be treated normally?

Hmm...wait, perhaps normal no longer exists. Adoptive parents aren't the only ones assigning behaviour disorders to their kids, seems like all kinds of parents are doing this these days.

What is it? Is it because you don't want to look at yourself and think long and hard about what you're doing, or not doing?

Is it because your precious little son or daughter isn't living up to what your expectations of them are in school, or in how they socialize, how responsible they are, what they're interested in doing in activities, how many times a day they feel like giving you a hug?

Attachment disorders, reactive attachment disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, attention deficit disorders, attention deficit hyperactive disorders...what the hell?

We're all aware of the power of suggestion, aren't we? We're all aware that medicated kids are easier to parent at home and monitor at school, aren't we? We're all aware that normal kids do not walk around like zombies doing exactly what they're told, answering politely every time they're asked a question, are born knowing it's wrong to lie, to steal, to bite, to bully. Always keep their bedrooms neat as a pin, jump to help do dishes after supper, and never ever forget to use their inside voice.

Why aren't we aware that all of this comes with the territory?

Parenting isn't easy people. It takes patience, consistency, determination, understanding, compassion, and TIME. It needs to be done without ego and a thick skin.

A comment too long, and likely off topic

 I was reading a blog I always read and started to comment and it got out of control. The comment grew long, it may have strayed from what my point was, and likely didn't end up relating properly to the post at all.
But, I like the comment, so am posting here. Take it or leave it.

I think I actually understand what you're saying here. It's this weird thing between wanting to be strong, sparing others what's really going on, protecting yourself from being viewed as damaged and whatever goes along with that, shame, embarrassment, but also wanting people to know it's not easy to not be a total fuck up in life, how much effort it takes or has taken. That what's going on on the outside is not what's going on on the inside.

I kind of compare it to doing the right thing or being honest when nobody knows about it. You want to do the right thing because it's the right thing, because it's good for our souls/spirits whatever to just be good and decent, take the high road for the sake of another BUT...we're human. There's a small part of us that wants someone to notice or care that what we're doing isn't easy, that we're going against what we feel like doing, what we would really prefer to do, what would be easier.

I think the key is to truly figure out how to just do it for one's self. How to get pleasure from not being a total fuck up in spite of all the reasons why we should be. That the pride comes from how we feel about our self instead of how we think we're impressing others  in an "I'll show them" fu kind of way because what if they don't notice? Then it's all for nothing. If it's just for our self, we'll always notice, be impressed, be proud.


This is all easier said than done, but, it's doable. For me it's easiest when it comes to my son. I can do anything for him with no recognition. I sometimes wonder if people actually know or care how difficult it can be taking the high road in the breakdown of a marriage, but ultimately it doesn't matter. I know what I've done, for my boy, for me, and it helps me sleep easy at night, helps me look him in the face and see complete trust, total confidence in my dedication to him, that I am a safe place to land, no matter what.

I'll take my comment elsewhere....and add to it

The issue of "responsibility for the emotional welfare" IS a huge burden placed on children by parents, period. I agree that an adoptive parent could be more inclined to engage in this harmful behavior but no more so than a single parent, divorced parent, widowed parent, a parent who's experienced the death or loss of a child, or for that matter a natural/first/birth/bio parent or their damaged adopted adult children.

Since offspring have a natural tendency to "care" about their caregivers or parents (even if they're undeserving for whatever reason) it's very difficult to convince them their parent's issues are not their problem. If they're able to do this though, especially without severing the relationship with the guilty parent, it can be very liberating!

In my experience people (most of whom are biological parents raising or have raised their own or their partner's kids) who are prone to neediness and selfish ego driven behavior, when it comes to their children, don't want to realize what they are doing and why. You can tell them til you're blue in the face and most of the time they'll refuse to own and/or change their behavior. It always comes back to but.. but.. but, poor them.

When I speak of my experience I'm talking about real live people I know in real life situations. The reason I'm so aware of these circumstances is I become involved in them emotionally and/or physically. Sometimes it's from afar with there never being a possibility of me becoming involved or saying something but other times my "ear" is solicited with words of encouragement or advice to follow. Although I'd like to say that my "help" is, well, helpful it usually does no more than supply a sounding board to get it all out as it's easier said than done, this separation from parent's problems without separating from the parent. I know it's easier said than done because I struggle to do it myself with my own mother.

When it's the most sad is when I can see it happening with a non adult child. When I'm forced to watch the selfish behavior of a parent and the effects of their behavior on their child. There are nine children I can think of off the top of my head that "survive" this crap every day. I subtly (and not so subtly at times) do what I can but there is no changing people like this, it would appear. Their personal problems and needs will always be more important than their children.

A recent rather stern conversation with a parent of some children I'm close to left me frustrated and feeling helpless. Everything we talked about ended up coming back to him and his problems with his own father demonstrating a complete inability to see himself through his own kids eyes and how his actions negatively affect his daughters. Watching his wife, these kid's mom, allow her children to be subjected to this emotional abuse is even more infuriating.

The other kids are children of divorced parents who allow "step" parents to mistreat them, children of a widowed mother who carry the burden of their mother's emotional welfare every minute of their young lives, and one child of a single mom who could not get her act together for her now grown son and is so far unable to do so for her 8 year old daughter.

So, we have kids of a widowed parent, a married couple, a divorced set of parents who've introduced new caregivers, and a single parent all of whom have children that are biological to them and are carrying the weight of their parent or caregiver's emotional welfare.

My point is that although I do agree that adoptive parents could be more inclined to make their children, grown or not, responsible for their parent's emotional well being it is in no way exclusive to adoptive parents.

I believe it's a personality flaw or an unwillingness or inability to truly look at themselves and their behavior, not biological connection, though outside influences such as adoption can certainly exacerbate what's already there.

Save the shock and surprise

I want to discuss something I've not experienced in the way some adopted people have. In fact, it completely boggles my mind that it even happens in the way it's described. To me it seems it should be a classic "put yourself in their shoes" type of situation. If the people doing the judging or questioning would honestly try and picture themselves as adopted, seems to me it's a no brainer.

Adopted people could very well be interested in searching for their biological people.

Doesn't seem that shocking to me. Is that because I'm adopted? I don't think so. My mom, who has said things from time to time regarding searching that I've shaken my head at, has said herself if she were adopted she knows for a fact she'd search. She even said this to me when I hadn't yet (and felt no desire to) searched. Now, this isn't to say she didn't have or attempt to hide feelings of insecurity regarding my sister's and my biological families. To this day she says things like, "well, it's the way she went about searching" or "you exchanged a letter with your biological mother and didn't tell me?!". When it comes down to it, my amateur assessment of this conflicting behavior is based in her personality and her lack of confidence in her role as mom not in an inability to understand and relate to the desire to search.

This brings me to the characters that don't get searching at all. Who are these people? Now, I'm not saying I don't understand adopted people who don't search. I do get that because I was that for a time in my life. I'm talking about people, adopted or not, that supposedly exist and say things like, "why would you want to do that to your real parents?" or "how could you want to look for people that abandoned you?". Just writing it has me rubbing my eyes thinking REALLY? To the best of my memory this has never happened to me so it's just so bizarre and foreign that every time I see another adopted person write it I'm floored.

What is so hard to understand? A person is born. They are raised by a family that isn't biologically related. Good, bad, or indifferent that adopted family isn't biologically related. The desire to know why a person was adopted may be one adoptee thing that's universal. For some, I imagine, having reliable/credible documents that relay the story would be more than enough. For some, maybe a picture or two included may be more than enough. But for many others, obviously, it's not enough. They want to meet their biological family. They need to see and talk to people who may look or walk or talk like them and I refuse to believe there's a single person who, down deep, can't understand that. They themselves may feel they'd never want to or want to bother to, but they're being dishonest to say that can't see why someone else would.

If you know someone who's adopted who's searching or talking about searching, whether as family or just as a friend or an acquaintance, save the shock and surprise. If you're a parent, expect it. If your expectation is realized, support it. Prepare yourself and check your ego. Parent from the beginning in a manner that you can be confident in, in a manner that's honest and open. Establish a relationship with your child that makes them feel safe to talk to you. Let them know that you'll support whatever approach they take in searching. If it doesn't include you, get over it! Let your kids know that you'll be there for them no matter what they find, that your love for them isn't conditional. That it's not their responsibility to protect your role as parent, to worry about your fragile ego.

We all know that an adoptive parent will never be the biological parent but it's the same in reverse. What we are to another human being whether it be a parent, sibling, aunt or uncle, friend, teacher, or lover cannot be threatened if what we are is real and good.

Adoption options

What a can of worms I've opened, in my mind anyway. Of course I've delved further into the world of unwilling first mother blogdom. And they're pissed, rightfully so. To be coerced into giving your child to someone else to raise or to have your baby stolen from you is something I cannot imagine and will never profess to and I applaud their efforts to bring awareness to it. Any person who takes advantage of another in order to fulfill their own need to have a baby, or to gain financially by facilitating such an outrage is engaging in an act that is criminal. From information I can find  in the Adoption Act in my area of the world it is against the law:

 "Paying or accepting payment for an adoption

   A person shall not give or receive, offer to give or receive, or agree to give or receive any payment or reward, whether directly or indirectly,

(a) to procure or assist in procuring a child for the purposes of adoption in or outside of the province; or

(b) to place or arrange the placement of a child for the purposes of adoption in or outside of  the province."

Phew...that's a relief to me. I imagine the possibility of it happening here still exists and that likely it does. In every area of life there are people who don't think the law and ethics apply to them. Enough said.

Another piece of the Adoption Act that caught my attention is the fact that: 

"a judge shall not make an order for adoption of a child unless notice of the proposed adoption is given to the child's birth father."  This I like too because a man has the right to know that a child he's fathered exists and is being put up for adoption.

I've looked over the local licensed private adoption agency's website and had confirmed what I thought I already knew:  "Once the child is placed with his or her adoptive parents, you have 21 days in which to revoke consent. The possibility that you might change your mind is a risk that adoptive parents must accept when entering into a private adoption arrangement."  So for my area it would appear that adoption exists as I thought it did. It exists as a viable option to women or young girls who find themselves pregnant with babies they can not or do not want to raise themselves, and these females DO exist. It is my hope that they realize it before their child is no longer an infant and at an age when they're, sadly, less "desirable" to prospective adoptive parents. The following is taken from the Canada's Waiting Kids website: 
"There are more than 76,000 children in the care of child welfare organizations across Canada. More than 22,000 of these children have parents whose parental rights have been terminated by the courts. What this usually means is that these children have no permanent family and will live in foster care or small institutional placements until they are legally of age.   http://www.canadaswaitingkids.ca

Imagine the possibilities if these biological mothers had been able to realize they were not in a position to properly care for the children they gave birth to. Or, if they'd had the support necessary to help them be in a position to look after these children. The reality is that when, for whatever reason, a mother can't look after her baby that adoption done properly is a viable option. 

I am aware that some of the children who end up lost in "the system" or are subjected to a life with abusive parents are adopted children. Adoptive parents aren't automatically perfect parents because they have the means to adopt. They get divorced, drunk, stoned. They are not immune to personality disorders, to the inability to break cycles of bad parenting. Adopted children need protection and rescuing too. This doesn't mean adoption isn't a viable option, when done properly.

If society as a whole would just get their act together and put our and everyone else's children ahead of ourselves the entire world would be a better place. I firmly believe it takes a village to raise a child and that people need to think more about what they're doing or not doing to children. That we need to hold each other accountable and keep our eye on each other's children. That we need to have an open mind to what others say and try to teach us. We need to listen to our children and provide them with a safe place to grow up. To remember what it feels like to be a kid. To do a better job than our parents did which in turn will help our children become better parents than we are. We need to admit when we're wrong, and learn from it. This sets an example for our children that it's okay to make a mistake and they'll feel safe in telling us they made one.

This post isn't as tidy as I like. It's a little all over the place but I think that's alright because this topic is very much all over the place. I do think though that it all comes back to doing our part in being the best parent we can be and that is achieved by putting in a lot more thought, a lot less ego, and sadly sometimes relinquishing the responsibility to another who is better equipped to do so.

Yikes...what if they read this

Had a great visit with my oldest and dearest friend the other night. I mentioned I was writing this blog and was in the final stages of developing a product to sell to the world. Of course she was interested and asked where the blog was so she could give it a read. As I told her, "it's Campbell Scoup, yeah, like soup but with a c" I got a slight feeling of panic. Oh man, is there something I've written that will upset her? And if not yet, will I in the future? Will I be able to write honestly and candidly with the knowledge someone I know and care about is reading what I write? So far the only person reading this blog that knows who I am is my son and while he's very helpful in pointing out grammatical errors and possible misuses of words nothing I've written or will write in the future will hurt his feelings or come as a shock to him and if it does, we'll just discuss it. No big deal.
So I mentioned this concern to my friend and told her if she disagreed with something I'd said that I hoped she would comment. That I hoped anyone with an opinion would.

One can hardly espouse parenting without ego and not do the same with blogging...right?

I hate to impose, but...

Played with the address again. That's likely common. So for now, Campbell Scoup will do the trick.

For years now I've trained myself to keep my ideas and thoughts on many things, most importantly parenting, to myself unless specifically asked for them. I'm not talking about things like racism or injustices of any kind. In situations like that I allow my strong sense of fairness to take over and I will speak up, albeit toned down to some degree with an effort to be tactful and attempt to educate rather than be outright contemptuous.

It's not that I don't think that I have nothing to offer in the way of ideas. I do! The problem is the trouble I've gotten myself into trying to share them. In fact, if you were to ask the lucky recipients with whom I've shared my ideas with in the past they'd be more apt to use the word "imposed" than shared. This is never more likely than with the topic of parenting so that's what I shall start out of the gate with in this blog. If you're starting to feel imposed upon, I suggest you stop reading.