Kids. Children. Offspring?
Nothing to differentiate between adult or non adult. How many kids in your family? How many kids do you have? What year was your child born? How many kids does your sister have? Is so-and-so your oldest child? I'm a middle child, are you the youngest child? He's an only child. There are three of us kids in our family.
If one were to insert grown or adult, as in "how many adult kids does your sister have?" it would suggest the sister has some non adult kids. Nobody ever says, "Is so-and-so your oldest adult/grown child?" or "I'm the middle adult child, are you the youngest grown child?".
People use the words kids and children all the time when referencing people's offspring or siblings. It's not meant to infantilize and as far as I can tell, normally doesn't.
Am I missing something? Is this subject a source of angst (Angst as in the English, German, Danish, Norwegian and Dutch word for fear, or anxiety) for everyone but me?
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Saturday
For mothers who have lost a child
I just read a post over on Susie's blog. I commented but decided to write a post on the subject myself. I've talked about this before either in comments and/or posts, but whatever, I think it's important. You can take it, and I know you will, in whatever way you want. Some will be hurt, some will be offended, some will be triggered, and some might just hear and take what I have to say to heart.
Understand it's said with the best intentions, with your alive and present children's feelings in mind.
Here's what I said to Susie.
You know, what I've found in life Susie is that nothing ever stays the same. Yeah, it doesn't necessarily always get better but it also doesn't always get worse.
I guess what I would say to you is accept this less than rosy time, which you appear to be, and know that there will come a time, a day, a moment that will fill you with happiness or excitement or some other feeling that's good.
In the meant time, be careful not to let those you do have in your life, your raised kids, feel like they're less than Christopher. That they aren't enough to make their mom happy at Christmas. That the family you actually do have isn't good enough.
I'm sorry it's this way for you, and even sorrier for your kids if they know it.
I come at this from the point of view of an alive and present kid, albeit an adopted one who is in contact with her bio mom. I am also the daughter of a mother who has lost a child to death, her baby boy, someone whom I myself miss dearly. My little brother.
I know what it's like to be here and present and it just not be good enough.
My mom doesn't do it anymore. She doesn't make me feel this way, this frustrating mix of hurt and compassion. Compassion for a woman who has lost her child but yet hurt by a mom who can't be cheered, who doesn't embrace what she has left, can't be thankful for at least that.
When my mom did make me feel this way, I eventually told her. It was not when my brother initially died. I, being a mom myself, knew how devastating this was to my parents. I'm the one who had to tell them.
I've been there for my parents really forever and in this things were no different, but after a while it got to a point where it just felt wrong. I was here, my son was here, why were we now no longer enough to bring joy or pleasure? When would we become enough again, the way we were before my brother died? Maybe we just never were as important as he was but I'll be damned if I were going to carry on "being there" for someone who I wasn't good enough for. I missed my brother very much too!
I've come to realize that this conversation can evolve into a discussion on "what's worse", although in my mind there's no comparison. If you feel the need to go there, be my guest, but as a mother of one and the daughter of a parent who has lost a child to death, you'll never convince me it's worse to have a child alive and well that you don't see or talk to enough than to have a child that breathed his or her last breath. That there's no hope for reuniting, no hope for a hug or a touching of hands, no possibility of hearing their voice or even reading an email they've written.
That's not what this post is about though. It's about us, the kids that are still here. Your children who call, who visit, who care, who feel so badly for your loss. Who love you, are dedicated to you, and want you to be happy with what you have. Us.
We know that we can never be or do enough to take away the pain. That this person, who we may love and miss ourselves, holds a power to change the way things were, the way things should be, just by their very absence.
As a mom, I get it. I feel sick at the thought of losing my son. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like. I am so so very sorry for any parent who has lost a child.
As a daughter, I implore you to think about what you still have, and embrace it.
edited to supply this link
Understand it's said with the best intentions, with your alive and present children's feelings in mind.
Here's what I said to Susie.
You know, what I've found in life Susie is that nothing ever stays the same. Yeah, it doesn't necessarily always get better but it also doesn't always get worse.
I guess what I would say to you is accept this less than rosy time, which you appear to be, and know that there will come a time, a day, a moment that will fill you with happiness or excitement or some other feeling that's good.
In the meant time, be careful not to let those you do have in your life, your raised kids, feel like they're less than Christopher. That they aren't enough to make their mom happy at Christmas. That the family you actually do have isn't good enough.
I'm sorry it's this way for you, and even sorrier for your kids if they know it.
I come at this from the point of view of an alive and present kid, albeit an adopted one who is in contact with her bio mom. I am also the daughter of a mother who has lost a child to death, her baby boy, someone whom I myself miss dearly. My little brother.
I know what it's like to be here and present and it just not be good enough.
My mom doesn't do it anymore. She doesn't make me feel this way, this frustrating mix of hurt and compassion. Compassion for a woman who has lost her child but yet hurt by a mom who can't be cheered, who doesn't embrace what she has left, can't be thankful for at least that.
When my mom did make me feel this way, I eventually told her. It was not when my brother initially died. I, being a mom myself, knew how devastating this was to my parents. I'm the one who had to tell them.
I've been there for my parents really forever and in this things were no different, but after a while it got to a point where it just felt wrong. I was here, my son was here, why were we now no longer enough to bring joy or pleasure? When would we become enough again, the way we were before my brother died? Maybe we just never were as important as he was but I'll be damned if I were going to carry on "being there" for someone who I wasn't good enough for. I missed my brother very much too!
I've come to realize that this conversation can evolve into a discussion on "what's worse", although in my mind there's no comparison. If you feel the need to go there, be my guest, but as a mother of one and the daughter of a parent who has lost a child to death, you'll never convince me it's worse to have a child alive and well that you don't see or talk to enough than to have a child that breathed his or her last breath. That there's no hope for reuniting, no hope for a hug or a touching of hands, no possibility of hearing their voice or even reading an email they've written.
That's not what this post is about though. It's about us, the kids that are still here. Your children who call, who visit, who care, who feel so badly for your loss. Who love you, are dedicated to you, and want you to be happy with what you have. Us.
We know that we can never be or do enough to take away the pain. That this person, who we may love and miss ourselves, holds a power to change the way things were, the way things should be, just by their very absence.
As a mom, I get it. I feel sick at the thought of losing my son. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like. I am so so very sorry for any parent who has lost a child.
As a daughter, I implore you to think about what you still have, and embrace it.
edited to supply this link
Tuesday
....and I'll take the high road
So, I'm a woman who chose a bad father.
I really should have known, likely did know, but by the time it "was time" to have my first child, I went ahead and had one anyway. I'd always wanted children, always. Not unlike many other little girls, my plan was to have a baby without being married and my particular plan to accomplish that was to adopt. It only made sense. I didn't want to get married and I am adopted so, it was obvious.
When I decided boys weren't so bad, my plan changed. I still wanted a child but getting married was now appealing. I met my son's father, went out for 3 years, got married, and had my son 3 years after that. Before "settling down" I went out withmore than my fair share of guys, had my own apartments from a young age, sowed my wild oats, if us girl types can do that.
I admit I had concerns before I actually said my vows, but, went through with it anyway. When it came to baby making time, my son's dad started to hedge. He knew from day one I'd be wanting kids, he had insisted on getting married in the Catholic church for his parents, so I told him flat out if he wasn't willing to have kids now, I'd see what I could do about getting our marriage annulled. I still have no clue if that would be grounds or not, but no matter, it did the trick. We tried once, I was preggo, and I had my son. Simple. Yet not.
While I was pregnant, my son's dad enjoyed the thought of becoming a dad but wasn't having any of the responsibilities that went with it. I managed to convince a friend of ours to help with the nursery reno, nothing big, just something that would indicate we had a baby coming. It was also sweet for my husband to have a personal designated driver. When I had my son his dad tried to get away with not telling anyone he'd been born, no hospital visitors, not surprisingly my parents would have nothing to do with that. I remember my dad saying there was "no chance in hell" they'd not be coming to the hospital to see their daughter and first grandchild.
My son's dad clearly loved our son from the minute he was born. He was a very good baby dad, no problem feeding, changing, bathing, playing. Unfortunately at this time though, he wasn't a great husband. Good dad, crappy husband. Sucks to be me.
I'm a firm believer in not making adult's problems kid's problems. If things got out of hand between my husband and myself, I would remove my boy and I from the situation. When my son was very small, I tried to discuss ending our marriage with my ex but he managed to be remorseful enough and make just enough promises to change but it never happened.
I remember daydreaming about being out of the marriage. I'd look at new apartments being built in our neighborhood and ache to be gone, be done with the day to day angst and stress I lived with. But how could I? I had picked this man. Nobody had held a gun to my head to marry him, to have a baby with him. I had become extremely adept at protecting my boy from the fights, the anger, my pain. I attended everything I wanted to attend with only my son as my date, I played all my sports with my boy in tow, I worked opposite shifts to avoid daycare until he was in school full time. The good of an intact family still outweighed the bad.
And then he started to grow up. I had already made the decision to have no more children with this kind of father. It was clear to me what I'd done, the problem now was it was also becoming clear to my son what I'd done. What he was seeing wasn't yet what a poor father he had but rather what a poor husband his dad was to me, his mom. I could no longer hide Christmas being miserable or explain why daddy wouldn't help us with a flat tire. How do you explain waiting for hours on Easter to hunt for bunnies because dad is still in bed? How do you tell a child not to defend his mom when dad is screaming as he drives? When he's swearing and name calling because the door isn't unlocked as quickly as he'd like it to be?
It wasn't an easy decision. I remember the day I went to tell my parents I was leaving my marriage. I can honestly say I was very surprised when they told me that they were surprised I hadn't done it years prior. I remember the relief because I truly felt as if I'd failed, that they would be disappointed in me.
We made the decision to split when my son was 12. After deciding, I remember living as a couple for the few months until school was done for the year. I remember the day we told our son, how frightened I was, how sad he was initially, how quickly he appeared to get over his immediate reaction.
I got to work finding a place to live right away. I included my son in all of my apartment hunting. There was one place in particular that was going to be within my budget that he was very opposed to. He had his reasons, they were valid, I kept looking. I was determined to find a place within walking distance to our house, the one he'd grown up in, and I did.
I gave him the big bedroom so he'd have somewhere to be with his friends. I bought him a new bed so his room at his dad's would remain untouched. His cat came with us even though it was against the rules because his dad "wanted it out!" I took no formal child support, deciding to leave it up to his dad to step up to the plate and contribute to our child's well being. I didn't want any more fighting, and took much criticism from friends and family but I didn't care. He was my son and I could do it myself if I had to.
It wasn't easy, but it was so much better. I took the highest road I possibly could. No child support, very little in the way of furniture or household items. One lawyer to serve us both in a legal separation, I didn't get an official divorce until years later, when I had to, and again with one lawyer to represent us both. No court, no excess expense. Custody was joint with me being the main caregiver. That I wouldn't have any other way. We lived close enough that our son could walk between homes as he desired, although his dad did try to force my son to visit fifty percent of the time, in case I ever decided to take child support.
My son's dad never once put our son before himself. He spoke badly of me to our son. He did nothing to make his and our son's time together enjoyable, something our son could look forward to. Eventually the only time my son would be at his dad's, in the home he'd lived his first twelve years, is when his dad wasn't there.
Now, he doesn't even do that.
After we left my extended family last week, my son and I were discussing the tragedy of these women and their children that we care so much about. We talked about how important it is to realize when the good no longer outweighs the bad. How important it is to think about what kind of an example we're setting for kids. How one can only sympathize for so long and then it just becomes pity and disdain.
I will forever regret choosing a poor father for my son. It kills me to see the hurt in my boy's eyes but I listen, I encourage, I understand.
I take pride in not being selfish and having more kids with a poor father in a bad marriage. I take pride in how I handled myself through divorce. I take pride in knowing when it was time to stop the madness.
I take pride in watching my son treat his girlfriend with respect, kindness, patience, and in knowing my son will be an amazing father.
I really should have known, likely did know, but by the time it "was time" to have my first child, I went ahead and had one anyway. I'd always wanted children, always. Not unlike many other little girls, my plan was to have a baby without being married and my particular plan to accomplish that was to adopt. It only made sense. I didn't want to get married and I am adopted so, it was obvious.
When I decided boys weren't so bad, my plan changed. I still wanted a child but getting married was now appealing. I met my son's father, went out for 3 years, got married, and had my son 3 years after that. Before "settling down" I went out with
I admit I had concerns before I actually said my vows, but, went through with it anyway. When it came to baby making time, my son's dad started to hedge. He knew from day one I'd be wanting kids, he had insisted on getting married in the Catholic church for his parents, so I told him flat out if he wasn't willing to have kids now, I'd see what I could do about getting our marriage annulled. I still have no clue if that would be grounds or not, but no matter, it did the trick. We tried once, I was preggo, and I had my son. Simple. Yet not.
While I was pregnant, my son's dad enjoyed the thought of becoming a dad but wasn't having any of the responsibilities that went with it. I managed to convince a friend of ours to help with the nursery reno, nothing big, just something that would indicate we had a baby coming. It was also sweet for my husband to have a personal designated driver. When I had my son his dad tried to get away with not telling anyone he'd been born, no hospital visitors, not surprisingly my parents would have nothing to do with that. I remember my dad saying there was "no chance in hell" they'd not be coming to the hospital to see their daughter and first grandchild.
My son's dad clearly loved our son from the minute he was born. He was a very good baby dad, no problem feeding, changing, bathing, playing. Unfortunately at this time though, he wasn't a great husband. Good dad, crappy husband. Sucks to be me.
I'm a firm believer in not making adult's problems kid's problems. If things got out of hand between my husband and myself, I would remove my boy and I from the situation. When my son was very small, I tried to discuss ending our marriage with my ex but he managed to be remorseful enough and make just enough promises to change but it never happened.
I remember daydreaming about being out of the marriage. I'd look at new apartments being built in our neighborhood and ache to be gone, be done with the day to day angst and stress I lived with. But how could I? I had picked this man. Nobody had held a gun to my head to marry him, to have a baby with him. I had become extremely adept at protecting my boy from the fights, the anger, my pain. I attended everything I wanted to attend with only my son as my date, I played all my sports with my boy in tow, I worked opposite shifts to avoid daycare until he was in school full time. The good of an intact family still outweighed the bad.
And then he started to grow up. I had already made the decision to have no more children with this kind of father. It was clear to me what I'd done, the problem now was it was also becoming clear to my son what I'd done. What he was seeing wasn't yet what a poor father he had but rather what a poor husband his dad was to me, his mom. I could no longer hide Christmas being miserable or explain why daddy wouldn't help us with a flat tire. How do you explain waiting for hours on Easter to hunt for bunnies because dad is still in bed? How do you tell a child not to defend his mom when dad is screaming as he drives? When he's swearing and name calling because the door isn't unlocked as quickly as he'd like it to be?
It wasn't an easy decision. I remember the day I went to tell my parents I was leaving my marriage. I can honestly say I was very surprised when they told me that they were surprised I hadn't done it years prior. I remember the relief because I truly felt as if I'd failed, that they would be disappointed in me.
We made the decision to split when my son was 12. After deciding, I remember living as a couple for the few months until school was done for the year. I remember the day we told our son, how frightened I was, how sad he was initially, how quickly he appeared to get over his immediate reaction.
I got to work finding a place to live right away. I included my son in all of my apartment hunting. There was one place in particular that was going to be within my budget that he was very opposed to. He had his reasons, they were valid, I kept looking. I was determined to find a place within walking distance to our house, the one he'd grown up in, and I did.
I gave him the big bedroom so he'd have somewhere to be with his friends. I bought him a new bed so his room at his dad's would remain untouched. His cat came with us even though it was against the rules because his dad "wanted it out!" I took no formal child support, deciding to leave it up to his dad to step up to the plate and contribute to our child's well being. I didn't want any more fighting, and took much criticism from friends and family but I didn't care. He was my son and I could do it myself if I had to.
It wasn't easy, but it was so much better. I took the highest road I possibly could. No child support, very little in the way of furniture or household items. One lawyer to serve us both in a legal separation, I didn't get an official divorce until years later, when I had to, and again with one lawyer to represent us both. No court, no excess expense. Custody was joint with me being the main caregiver. That I wouldn't have any other way. We lived close enough that our son could walk between homes as he desired, although his dad did try to force my son to visit fifty percent of the time, in case I ever decided to take child support.
My son's dad never once put our son before himself. He spoke badly of me to our son. He did nothing to make his and our son's time together enjoyable, something our son could look forward to. Eventually the only time my son would be at his dad's, in the home he'd lived his first twelve years, is when his dad wasn't there.
Now, he doesn't even do that.
After we left my extended family last week, my son and I were discussing the tragedy of these women and their children that we care so much about. We talked about how important it is to realize when the good no longer outweighs the bad. How important it is to think about what kind of an example we're setting for kids. How one can only sympathize for so long and then it just becomes pity and disdain.
I will forever regret choosing a poor father for my son. It kills me to see the hurt in my boy's eyes but I listen, I encourage, I understand.
I take pride in not being selfish and having more kids with a poor father in a bad marriage. I take pride in how I handled myself through divorce. I take pride in knowing when it was time to stop the madness.
I take pride in watching my son treat his girlfriend with respect, kindness, patience, and in knowing my son will be an amazing father.
Nice to meet ya
I didn't intend for this blog to be an "adoption blog". Funny how things go. In my stats it's one of the most common search terms.... campbellscoup adoption blog. Huh. Again, funny how things go.
On this 2nd day of November I've been perusing different real adoption blogs and checking out all the Adoption Month hoopla. I guess it's an American thang. I checked back in my blog to see when I'd first started to talk about adoption and the first post was in December of '09 which would explain how I'd missed this exciting month for all things adoption related.
I just reread my first post on adoption, and I still like it. I see how I used all the "wrong" words, things like chosen, special, selfless, healthy attitude, noble, gift of a child ( I still think of all children as a gift, no matter how they appear) and readily admit I was unaware of the unethical side of adoption, the money involved these days, that some mothers are coerced out of their babies and that not all adoptees feel like I do. I've learned quite a bit in just under a year.
From that post I met Lori, someone I consider an online friend. She let me have it in my very first adoption related comment lol. I've learned things from her and am hopeful she's learned something from me.
After a time I'd revisited that first post, and left myself a comment.
Having just reread my own words I feel much better. They are so positive and real, so untainted by suggestions that I am denying my pain, that my situation is sick or sad, that my adoptive parents did something wrong, that my birthmother was coerced and what she did cannot be regarded as selfless or necessary. That my feelings of love for my family and theirs for me aren't as good or real or natural as those of families that are blood related. Not for one second did I ever believe anything different, but it sure feels good to come back home.
I said to a friend today, "maybe I'm the only freak who's fine with having been adopted" after having read the words of an adopted person declaring they've yet to meet an adoptee who didn't have mixed feelings about being adopted.
Well, nice to meet ya. My name is Campbell and I'm an adoptee...with no mixed feelings.
On this 2nd day of November I've been perusing different real adoption blogs and checking out all the Adoption Month hoopla. I guess it's an American thang. I checked back in my blog to see when I'd first started to talk about adoption and the first post was in December of '09 which would explain how I'd missed this exciting month for all things adoption related.
I just reread my first post on adoption, and I still like it. I see how I used all the "wrong" words, things like chosen, special, selfless, healthy attitude, noble, gift of a child ( I still think of all children as a gift, no matter how they appear) and readily admit I was unaware of the unethical side of adoption, the money involved these days, that some mothers are coerced out of their babies and that not all adoptees feel like I do. I've learned quite a bit in just under a year.
From that post I met Lori, someone I consider an online friend. She let me have it in my very first adoption related comment lol. I've learned things from her and am hopeful she's learned something from me.
After a time I'd revisited that first post, and left myself a comment.
Having just reread my own words I feel much better. They are so positive and real, so untainted by suggestions that I am denying my pain, that my situation is sick or sad, that my adoptive parents did something wrong, that my birthmother was coerced and what she did cannot be regarded as selfless or necessary. That my feelings of love for my family and theirs for me aren't as good or real or natural as those of families that are blood related. Not for one second did I ever believe anything different, but it sure feels good to come back home.
I said to a friend today, "maybe I'm the only freak who's fine with having been adopted" after having read the words of an adopted person declaring they've yet to meet an adoptee who didn't have mixed feelings about being adopted.
Well, nice to meet ya. My name is Campbell and I'm an adoptee...with no mixed feelings.
Saturday
Dear friend, so you're thinking of adopting. Want to talk about it?
Dear friend,
This is what I'd like to tell you about the possibility of you adopting, so far. There may be more things I haven't thought of as of yet, but I don't want to forget what's on my mind now.
I don't think I need to ask you why you want to adopt. I think that's a no brainer. You want another child to raise. Do the reasons really matter? I guess they do if the reasons are to provide your son with a playmate or have someone to do chores in your home or any other frivolous or ridiculous reason unrelated to the actual love for children and parenting. Hopefully this isn't the case, for if it is, I'm wasting my time and energy talking to you.
I would like to ask you if you've truly thought about what it is you're planning to do. Have you researched with an open mind, been receptive to anything negative you've heard about adoption? Can you truly love a child that isn't your own blood? Do you have the time and energy needed for more children? Are you doing the best you can for the son you already have? What makes you a good parent?
Not all adopted people feel like I do. There are adopted people who hate the fact they were adopted. Some say they'd have preferred to have been aborted. How will you feel if your child resents having been adopted? I don't know the magical formula to raising an adopted child that is at peace with having been adopted. I don't think anyone does.
Do you know, truly know, that adoption begins with loss? There can be loss of dreams, of identity, of heredity, culture. For some there can be a loss of trust, self worth, and even loss of lightness of soul and spirit. That the loss can be far reaching to grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings. Can you relate to that loss without feeling threatened or hurt? Can you parent with confidence and the ability to recognize the difference between your child's confusion about, and reaction to, being adopted and the regular angst that goes along with growing up? Will you be able to embrace and value your children's unique personalities and needs? Will you know when to "blame" adoption and when not to? Will you know when to discuss adoption with your children? Will you even be capable of discussing adoption with your children? How will you go about it? Will you do things by "the book" you're given by an agency or social worker or will you be able to think it through and follow your children's lead or know when you need to take the lead? Will you understand and support any "need to know" your child may have? Will they feel sure of your love and commitment therefore comfortable to talk (or not talk) about everything adoption related? Will you expect them to be grateful to you for everything you've provided them with, materially and/or emotionally and hold it over their head?
Will you refuse to become involved in an adoption that may feel unethical? Will you be able to recognize a parent or parents who are giving you a child they truly want and can raise out of an obligation to "keep their promise" to you? Do you believe me when I say nobody should make the decision to promise their child to another person without having seen and touched their child? It's sad but true that parents go through with adoptions that are against their better judgment because they don't want to disappoint the adoptive parents they've come to know and care about. Do you know that at that point it's not about you but about the child and what's best for it? It's never best for a child to be given away when it's wanted and can be raised by the people who brought it into this world. Picture yourself being told you need not have been adopted, that you were adopted through shady, or worse, conditions just so your (adoptive) parents could have you or an agency could make some money. We can all picture these scenarios if we try hard. One shouldn't have to be adopted to understand how confusing this would be, how devastating finding out your life and what you've always believed to be true is a lie. Believe me, adopted people worry about their biological mothers and wonder if they're ok until they know, if they ever get to know. Don't adopt without a clear conscience. If you're unsure, be strong enough to just walk away, to put your needs second to a child's.
Do you understand what open adoptions are? Have you been honest with yourself about this and your ability to parent a child under that type of circumstance? Think about it!! It cannot be easy, there is just no way. Will you be able to deal with the jealousy? With the fear? With your child's jealousy and fear? Will you be able to handle your child's biological parents feelings if they're regretful or will you just cut off contact to protect yourself and your family? If you don't think you can do an open adoption, don't! If there aren't any parents who want a closed adoption, don't adopt!
I don't think you plan to adopt from another country. If I'm wrong, and you do, try and remember you are as Caucasian as they come. THIS WILL MATTER. There are people to seek out who are qualified to discuss interracial adoption, and being as Caucasian as you, I am not one of them.
I wonder if you've thought at all about foster care. I think about foster care, have always. I think I'd be a great foster parent, especially now that my son is grown. I cannot be a foster parent though, and it's really just because of one thing. My husband would not want to foster parent. In fact, neither would have my ex husband, my son's father. I could try and persuade, pull out all the stops and say I'd do everything, that it isn't important for us both to want to do it. Who knows, my husband could say ok to try and please me, right? But, it's not supposed to be about me. It's supposed to be about kids who need families, parents or a parent. Every child born deserves to have some kind of family, whether it be blood or not, but no child deserves to exist in a situation where they're resented or unwanted by even one family member, blood or not. I believe that someone who isn't initially on board with providing a home for a child without one, whether it be through foster care or adoption, can change their mind and eventually embrace said child but....isn't it too big of a risk to take that they won't ever? I wouldn't even force a pet dog on my family if they didn't want the responsibility, why would I do it to a child?
I am not against adoption. I am not against you personally adopting. I am against people not properly preparing themselves for the act of adopting a child, or for that matter, having their own biological children. Against them wearing blinders to the difficulties and the effort and sacrifice that is necessary to do our very best. It's not about you so it's nothing like entering into a shitty marriage or staying in one, it's not about the harm you could do to yourself not listening to warnings about smoking or overeating or driving without a seat belt. It's different when you're holding another human being's childhood in your hands, affecting their future by what you do in the present. We all ignore advise all the time, but please don't ignore what I'm trying to tell you here.
There are many things people try to warn and educate each other about. More often than not the effort is ignored and people either learn the hard way or never learn at all. Fine. It's your life and it's our right to mess up our own lives but it isn't our right to mess up an innocent child's life, biological or not.
My friend, please think long and hard about what you're doing because it's not what you're doing to yourself, not about how you will be affected. It's about our children and what they need, deserve, and have the right to.
Oh yeah, if you do end up adopting, make sure you get a copy of your child's original birth certificate.
Someday they may be an adult who wants it.
This is what I'd like to tell you about the possibility of you adopting, so far. There may be more things I haven't thought of as of yet, but I don't want to forget what's on my mind now.
I don't think I need to ask you why you want to adopt. I think that's a no brainer. You want another child to raise. Do the reasons really matter? I guess they do if the reasons are to provide your son with a playmate or have someone to do chores in your home or any other frivolous or ridiculous reason unrelated to the actual love for children and parenting. Hopefully this isn't the case, for if it is, I'm wasting my time and energy talking to you.
I would like to ask you if you've truly thought about what it is you're planning to do. Have you researched with an open mind, been receptive to anything negative you've heard about adoption? Can you truly love a child that isn't your own blood? Do you have the time and energy needed for more children? Are you doing the best you can for the son you already have? What makes you a good parent?
Not all adopted people feel like I do. There are adopted people who hate the fact they were adopted. Some say they'd have preferred to have been aborted. How will you feel if your child resents having been adopted? I don't know the magical formula to raising an adopted child that is at peace with having been adopted. I don't think anyone does.
Do you know, truly know, that adoption begins with loss? There can be loss of dreams, of identity, of heredity, culture. For some there can be a loss of trust, self worth, and even loss of lightness of soul and spirit. That the loss can be far reaching to grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings. Can you relate to that loss without feeling threatened or hurt? Can you parent with confidence and the ability to recognize the difference between your child's confusion about, and reaction to, being adopted and the regular angst that goes along with growing up? Will you be able to embrace and value your children's unique personalities and needs? Will you know when to "blame" adoption and when not to? Will you know when to discuss adoption with your children? Will you even be capable of discussing adoption with your children? How will you go about it? Will you do things by "the book" you're given by an agency or social worker or will you be able to think it through and follow your children's lead or know when you need to take the lead? Will you understand and support any "need to know" your child may have? Will they feel sure of your love and commitment therefore comfortable to talk (or not talk) about everything adoption related? Will you expect them to be grateful to you for everything you've provided them with, materially and/or emotionally and hold it over their head?
Will you refuse to become involved in an adoption that may feel unethical? Will you be able to recognize a parent or parents who are giving you a child they truly want and can raise out of an obligation to "keep their promise" to you? Do you believe me when I say nobody should make the decision to promise their child to another person without having seen and touched their child? It's sad but true that parents go through with adoptions that are against their better judgment because they don't want to disappoint the adoptive parents they've come to know and care about. Do you know that at that point it's not about you but about the child and what's best for it? It's never best for a child to be given away when it's wanted and can be raised by the people who brought it into this world. Picture yourself being told you need not have been adopted, that you were adopted through shady, or worse, conditions just so your (adoptive) parents could have you or an agency could make some money. We can all picture these scenarios if we try hard. One shouldn't have to be adopted to understand how confusing this would be, how devastating finding out your life and what you've always believed to be true is a lie. Believe me, adopted people worry about their biological mothers and wonder if they're ok until they know, if they ever get to know. Don't adopt without a clear conscience. If you're unsure, be strong enough to just walk away, to put your needs second to a child's.
Do you understand what open adoptions are? Have you been honest with yourself about this and your ability to parent a child under that type of circumstance? Think about it!! It cannot be easy, there is just no way. Will you be able to deal with the jealousy? With the fear? With your child's jealousy and fear? Will you be able to handle your child's biological parents feelings if they're regretful or will you just cut off contact to protect yourself and your family? If you don't think you can do an open adoption, don't! If there aren't any parents who want a closed adoption, don't adopt!
I don't think you plan to adopt from another country. If I'm wrong, and you do, try and remember you are as Caucasian as they come. THIS WILL MATTER. There are people to seek out who are qualified to discuss interracial adoption, and being as Caucasian as you, I am not one of them.
I wonder if you've thought at all about foster care. I think about foster care, have always. I think I'd be a great foster parent, especially now that my son is grown. I cannot be a foster parent though, and it's really just because of one thing. My husband would not want to foster parent. In fact, neither would have my ex husband, my son's father. I could try and persuade, pull out all the stops and say I'd do everything, that it isn't important for us both to want to do it. Who knows, my husband could say ok to try and please me, right? But, it's not supposed to be about me. It's supposed to be about kids who need families, parents or a parent. Every child born deserves to have some kind of family, whether it be blood or not, but no child deserves to exist in a situation where they're resented or unwanted by even one family member, blood or not. I believe that someone who isn't initially on board with providing a home for a child without one, whether it be through foster care or adoption, can change their mind and eventually embrace said child but....isn't it too big of a risk to take that they won't ever? I wouldn't even force a pet dog on my family if they didn't want the responsibility, why would I do it to a child?
I am not against adoption. I am not against you personally adopting. I am against people not properly preparing themselves for the act of adopting a child, or for that matter, having their own biological children. Against them wearing blinders to the difficulties and the effort and sacrifice that is necessary to do our very best. It's not about you so it's nothing like entering into a shitty marriage or staying in one, it's not about the harm you could do to yourself not listening to warnings about smoking or overeating or driving without a seat belt. It's different when you're holding another human being's childhood in your hands, affecting their future by what you do in the present. We all ignore advise all the time, but please don't ignore what I'm trying to tell you here.
There are many things people try to warn and educate each other about. More often than not the effort is ignored and people either learn the hard way or never learn at all. Fine. It's your life and it's our right to mess up our own lives but it isn't our right to mess up an innocent child's life, biological or not.
My friend, please think long and hard about what you're doing because it's not what you're doing to yourself, not about how you will be affected. It's about our children and what they need, deserve, and have the right to.
Oh yeah, if you do end up adopting, make sure you get a copy of your child's original birth certificate.
Someday they may be an adult who wants it.
"There is no clear cut answer to this problem."
I disagree, I think there are very clear cut answers to this problem.
Some of them being that average, everyday people should not be allowed to adopt older children unless they (the adopters) have been thoroughly assessed psychologically and educated on what can happen and how to deal with it.
That if they do adopt, they will be financially responsible for the child until he or she is of age, whether or not they end up having to institutionalize or re-adopt them out.
That if a person is deemed capable of dealing with the likely struggles of an older child there should be no other (biological or adopted) children residing in the home until it has been established that the adoptee is not suffering from any conditions that affect his or her ability to learn and function safely in society.
There should be no profiting financially from adoption. This in itself would go a very long way in eliminating corruption and serve to protect children from being stolen, bought, and or placed in inappropriate or dangerous homes.
Nobody held a gun to this woman's head to adopt. She's just as responsible as everyone else who failed this child and how she chose to handle it is criminal. If anyone put a biological child on a plane to nowhere with only having arranged to have a stranger meet him and deliver him to a government agency unexpected, there wouldn't be any question.
I find it hard to believe that a person wouldn't realize that a child of 7 who'd been living in an institution would very likely have some behavioral/developmental issues. I think that prospective adoptive parents do know that this is likely but choose to either ignore the facts or to believe that it will be different for them.
Some of them being that average, everyday people should not be allowed to adopt older children unless they (the adopters) have been thoroughly assessed psychologically and educated on what can happen and how to deal with it.
That if they do adopt, they will be financially responsible for the child until he or she is of age, whether or not they end up having to institutionalize or re-adopt them out.
That if a person is deemed capable of dealing with the likely struggles of an older child there should be no other (biological or adopted) children residing in the home until it has been established that the adoptee is not suffering from any conditions that affect his or her ability to learn and function safely in society.
There should be no profiting financially from adoption. This in itself would go a very long way in eliminating corruption and serve to protect children from being stolen, bought, and or placed in inappropriate or dangerous homes.
Nobody held a gun to this woman's head to adopt. She's just as responsible as everyone else who failed this child and how she chose to handle it is criminal. If anyone put a biological child on a plane to nowhere with only having arranged to have a stranger meet him and deliver him to a government agency unexpected, there wouldn't be any question.
I find it hard to believe that a person wouldn't realize that a child of 7 who'd been living in an institution would very likely have some behavioral/developmental issues. I think that prospective adoptive parents do know that this is likely but choose to either ignore the facts or to believe that it will be different for them.
Tuesday
Are you going to get a divorce?
A friend was telling me how his daughter's friends at school talk about how they don't get to see their mom or dad because their parents are divorced. He then went on to say that a family member is in the process of splitting up with their partner and that his daughter has had plenty of questions about that, would they get to see their uncle anymore, etc.? I asked him if his daughter asks if he and his wife will ever get a divorce to which he replied oh yeah, she does quite a bit. He said they tell her that of course not, mommy and daddy love each other and that it won't be happening to them.
After my brother died, his 9 year old daughter asked me what would happen to them if their mom dies. Wham! See, my niece and her younger sister lost their dad suddenly and within two years were present when their grandpa, my dad, also died. Two significant deaths within 2 years of each other, so these kids know, shit happens. So I tell them, of course, that it will likely be a long time before their mom dies and they'll be all grown up but I added to that. I added that if something did happen (which it won't) I would help them. That I'd be there in a heartbeat and make sure they were okay and that I'd take care of them. They didn't need to worry. You could feel the relief from the backseat of the car...
I think protecting children from bad or sad things is important but when they're worried or afraid of something that's real, that they see all around them, we shouldn't be afraid to reassure them about what will happen if the "bogeyman" does rear his ugly face, and what our plan is to deal with him.
To my friend I say, tell your daughter you'll be together forever. Mom and dad will never get divorced. But add to that and reassure your children that if it did (though it won't) you'll both love her and see her and take care of her forever. I think you'll feel the relief.
After my brother died, his 9 year old daughter asked me what would happen to them if their mom dies. Wham! See, my niece and her younger sister lost their dad suddenly and within two years were present when their grandpa, my dad, also died. Two significant deaths within 2 years of each other, so these kids know, shit happens. So I tell them, of course, that it will likely be a long time before their mom dies and they'll be all grown up but I added to that. I added that if something did happen (which it won't) I would help them. That I'd be there in a heartbeat and make sure they were okay and that I'd take care of them. They didn't need to worry. You could feel the relief from the backseat of the car...
I think protecting children from bad or sad things is important but when they're worried or afraid of something that's real, that they see all around them, we shouldn't be afraid to reassure them about what will happen if the "bogeyman" does rear his ugly face, and what our plan is to deal with him.
To my friend I say, tell your daughter you'll be together forever. Mom and dad will never get divorced. But add to that and reassure your children that if it did (though it won't) you'll both love her and see her and take care of her forever. I think you'll feel the relief.
Sunday
Adoption options
What a can of worms I've opened, in my mind anyway. Of course I've delved further into the world of unwilling first mother blogdom. And they're pissed, rightfully so. To be coerced into giving your child to someone else to raise or to have your baby stolen from you is something I cannot imagine and will never profess to and I applaud their efforts to bring awareness to it. Any person who takes advantage of another in order to fulfill their own need to have a baby, or to gain financially by facilitating such an outrage is engaging in an act that is criminal. From information I can find in the Adoption Act in my area of the world it is against the law:
A person shall not give or receive, offer to give or receive, or agree to give or receive any payment or reward, whether directly or indirectly,
I've looked over the local licensed private adoption agency's website and had confirmed what I thought I already knew: "Once the child is placed with his or her adoptive parents, you have 21 days in which to revoke consent. The possibility that you might change your mind is a risk that adoptive parents must accept when entering into a private adoption arrangement." So for my area it would appear that adoption exists as I thought it did. It exists as a viable option to women or young girls who find themselves pregnant with babies they can not or do not want to raise themselves, and these females DO exist. It is my hope that they realize it before their child is no longer an infant and at an age when they're, sadly, less "desirable" to prospective adoptive parents. The following is taken from the Canada's Waiting Kids website:
"There are more than 76,000 children in the care of child welfare organizations across Canada. More than 22,000 of these children have parents whose parental rights have been terminated by the courts. What this usually means is that these children have no permanent family and will live in foster care or small institutional placements until they are legally of age. http://www.canadaswaitingkids.ca
Imagine the possibilities if these biological mothers had been able to realize they were not in a position to properly care for the children they gave birth to. Or, if they'd had the support necessary to help them be in a position to look after these children. The reality is that when, for whatever reason, a mother can't look after her baby that adoption done properly is a viable option.
I am aware that some of the children who end up lost in "the system" or are subjected to a life with abusive parents are adopted children. Adoptive parents aren't automatically perfect parents because they have the means to adopt. They get divorced, drunk, stoned. They are not immune to personality disorders, to the inability to break cycles of bad parenting. Adopted children need protection and rescuing too. This doesn't mean adoption isn't a viable option, when done properly.
If society as a whole would just get their act together and put our and everyone else's children ahead of ourselves the entire world would be a better place. I firmly believe it takes a village to raise a child and that people need to think more about what they're doing or not doing to children. That we need to hold each other accountable and keep our eye on each other's children. That we need to have an open mind to what others say and try to teach us. We need to listen to our children and provide them with a safe place to grow up. To remember what it feels like to be a kid. To do a better job than our parents did which in turn will help our children become better parents than we are. We need to admit when we're wrong, and learn from it. This sets an example for our children that it's okay to make a mistake and they'll feel safe in telling us they made one.
This post isn't as tidy as I like. It's a little all over the place but I think that's alright because this topic is very much all over the place. I do think though that it all comes back to doing our part in being the best parent we can be and that is achieved by putting in a lot more thought, a lot less ego, and sadly sometimes relinquishing the responsibility to another who is better equipped to do so.
A person shall not give or receive, offer to give or receive, or agree to give or receive any payment or reward, whether directly or indirectly,
(a) to procure or assist in procuring a child for the purposes of adoption in or outside of the province; or
(b) to place or arrange the placement of a child for the purposes of adoption in or outside of the province."
Phew...that's a relief to me. I imagine the possibility of it happening here still exists and that likely it does. In every area of life there are people who don't think the law and ethics apply to them. Enough said.
Another piece of the Adoption Act that caught my attention is the fact that:
"a judge shall not make an order for adoption of a child unless notice of the proposed adoption is given to the child's birth father." This I like too because a man has the right to know that a child he's fathered exists and is being put up for adoption.I've looked over the local licensed private adoption agency's website and had confirmed what I thought I already knew: "Once the child is placed with his or her adoptive parents, you have 21 days in which to revoke consent. The possibility that you might change your mind is a risk that adoptive parents must accept when entering into a private adoption arrangement." So for my area it would appear that adoption exists as I thought it did. It exists as a viable option to women or young girls who find themselves pregnant with babies they can not or do not want to raise themselves, and these females DO exist. It is my hope that they realize it before their child is no longer an infant and at an age when they're, sadly, less "desirable" to prospective adoptive parents. The following is taken from the Canada's Waiting Kids website:
"There are more than 76,000 children in the care of child welfare organizations across Canada. More than 22,000 of these children have parents whose parental rights have been terminated by the courts. What this usually means is that these children have no permanent family and will live in foster care or small institutional placements until they are legally of age. http://www.canadaswaitingkids.ca
Imagine the possibilities if these biological mothers had been able to realize they were not in a position to properly care for the children they gave birth to. Or, if they'd had the support necessary to help them be in a position to look after these children. The reality is that when, for whatever reason, a mother can't look after her baby that adoption done properly is a viable option.
I am aware that some of the children who end up lost in "the system" or are subjected to a life with abusive parents are adopted children. Adoptive parents aren't automatically perfect parents because they have the means to adopt. They get divorced, drunk, stoned. They are not immune to personality disorders, to the inability to break cycles of bad parenting. Adopted children need protection and rescuing too. This doesn't mean adoption isn't a viable option, when done properly.
If society as a whole would just get their act together and put our and everyone else's children ahead of ourselves the entire world would be a better place. I firmly believe it takes a village to raise a child and that people need to think more about what they're doing or not doing to children. That we need to hold each other accountable and keep our eye on each other's children. That we need to have an open mind to what others say and try to teach us. We need to listen to our children and provide them with a safe place to grow up. To remember what it feels like to be a kid. To do a better job than our parents did which in turn will help our children become better parents than we are. We need to admit when we're wrong, and learn from it. This sets an example for our children that it's okay to make a mistake and they'll feel safe in telling us they made one.
This post isn't as tidy as I like. It's a little all over the place but I think that's alright because this topic is very much all over the place. I do think though that it all comes back to doing our part in being the best parent we can be and that is achieved by putting in a lot more thought, a lot less ego, and sadly sometimes relinquishing the responsibility to another who is better equipped to do so.
Thursday
decision .... daycare, not!
I had a surprise visit today from friends who brought their beautiful new baby for a visit. I'm mentioning this because they told me something I hadn't heard in a while, if ever. They told me that it's important to them to not put their child in daycare. Huh?!?!?!
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