Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Wednesday
Calcutta is My Mother Documentary
The film, Calcutta is My Mother, will document adopted person Reshma's first return to Calcutta as she explores her roots and the life she could have had had she survived in India.
Visit the KICKSTARTER page for Calcutta is My Mother to learn more about this story.
Visit the KICKSTARTER page for Calcutta is My Mother to learn more about this story.
Tuesday
The Right Kind of Person
Having spent a significant amount of time with my stepson's daughter, my 'step' granddaughter, as in granddaughter I am not biologically related to, I stand by my belief that a love, or a bond if you prefer, can develop that's as strong or stronger that those of the blood related category.
It's also my opinion, though, that it takes a certain kind of person with a certain kind of attitude or openness.
A person who loves children of all ages and thinks about how they're thinking and feeling, cares about what their individual fears and emotional needs are. Of course this is important for all who are involved in raising children, it's just that with adoption or fostering or kinship care there's an opportunity to try and ensure that those children who for whatever reason aren't being raised by their biological parents will be placed with people who are right for the responsibility. People who adopt and want to love and raise other people's children because they can't have their own should be thoroughly screened and continue to be assessed to see if they're actually doing it properly. Really the same should apply to those who volunteer to foster, those we choose to stepparent our children, and even those caring for extended family members.
Outside influences can greatly affect emotional investment, another reason why it's very important the right kind of person is replacing biological parents. The right kind of person has the ability to not only empathize and be dedicated to thinking about how a child that's in their care is feeling and responding, but also to parent without ego, something I still feel is a key factor in being the best mom or dad one can be.
I would suggest to those who are caring for the children of others, in whatever capacity that may be happening, to concentrate on the child and nurturing that relationship and to work hard to separate how those around you are behaving and not take it out on the child. This could be a spouse, a sister or brother, parent, bio parent, in-law, neighbor, co-worker, or even a stranger in a grocery store. It's not easy and sometimes we have to back away or change the way we relate to the adults in our lives but if you're that right kind of person, you'll do everything in your power to not allow others to negatively affect the child.
The right kind of person will be dedicated to parenting without ego and keep the focus on the child and his or her emotional needs.
Honestly, it will be easier to be a grandmother to my own son's children. I do look forward to it, look forward to the ease with which I'll be able to relate to my son as a parent because of the great relationship he and I enjoy. We can discuss anything openly and honestly, with respect and care for one another which is something that's very helpful to a grandparent. That said, I couldn't love my darling, non blood related, little granddaughter anymore than I do.
I'm grateful I get to be that right kind of person.
It's also my opinion, though, that it takes a certain kind of person with a certain kind of attitude or openness.
A person who loves children of all ages and thinks about how they're thinking and feeling, cares about what their individual fears and emotional needs are. Of course this is important for all who are involved in raising children, it's just that with adoption or fostering or kinship care there's an opportunity to try and ensure that those children who for whatever reason aren't being raised by their biological parents will be placed with people who are right for the responsibility. People who adopt and want to love and raise other people's children because they can't have their own should be thoroughly screened and continue to be assessed to see if they're actually doing it properly. Really the same should apply to those who volunteer to foster, those we choose to stepparent our children, and even those caring for extended family members.
Outside influences can greatly affect emotional investment, another reason why it's very important the right kind of person is replacing biological parents. The right kind of person has the ability to not only empathize and be dedicated to thinking about how a child that's in their care is feeling and responding, but also to parent without ego, something I still feel is a key factor in being the best mom or dad one can be.
I would suggest to those who are caring for the children of others, in whatever capacity that may be happening, to concentrate on the child and nurturing that relationship and to work hard to separate how those around you are behaving and not take it out on the child. This could be a spouse, a sister or brother, parent, bio parent, in-law, neighbor, co-worker, or even a stranger in a grocery store. It's not easy and sometimes we have to back away or change the way we relate to the adults in our lives but if you're that right kind of person, you'll do everything in your power to not allow others to negatively affect the child.
The right kind of person will be dedicated to parenting without ego and keep the focus on the child and his or her emotional needs.
Honestly, it will be easier to be a grandmother to my own son's children. I do look forward to it, look forward to the ease with which I'll be able to relate to my son as a parent because of the great relationship he and I enjoy. We can discuss anything openly and honestly, with respect and care for one another which is something that's very helpful to a grandparent. That said, I couldn't love my darling, non blood related, little granddaughter anymore than I do.
I'm grateful I get to be that right kind of person.
Saturday
What seems to always happen
See, this is what seems to always happen.
Strong blanket statements are made and then I feel an obligation to contribute, compelled to say how I feel about being adopted. I don't get why that is so surprising to anti-adoption activists since it's what they themselves are doing.
I do not feel abandoned and that's because of having been adopted. Had my biological mother left me on a doorstep with no attempt to ensure my safety or my having a family, then I'd feel abandoned.
Not every adoptee feels or should feel that way, we're all different with unique experiences, but that's how I feel and how I feel matters just as much as anyone else. I also feel very much a part of my family, more so than some friends who are biologically related to each other.
To those of us who were provided with a family through adoption and aren't angry about our own situation, it's impossible to be completely against it even though we're not stupid enough to think reform isn't needed. Is that so hard to understand?
I wish every child conceived could be kept and raised by the people who created it but that's completely unrealistic. We all need to work toward helping parents plan their parenthood, make the best, most informed decisions when unplanned, unexpected, and unwanted pregnancy occurs. And, it does occur. We do each other no favor pretending every human is born to be a parent.
Sensational or sugar-coated blanket statements are no help to anyone as they so easily dismissed.
Strong blanket statements are made and then I feel an obligation to contribute, compelled to say how I feel about being adopted. I don't get why that is so surprising to anti-adoption activists since it's what they themselves are doing.
I do not feel abandoned and that's because of having been adopted. Had my biological mother left me on a doorstep with no attempt to ensure my safety or my having a family, then I'd feel abandoned.
Not every adoptee feels or should feel that way, we're all different with unique experiences, but that's how I feel and how I feel matters just as much as anyone else. I also feel very much a part of my family, more so than some friends who are biologically related to each other.
To those of us who were provided with a family through adoption and aren't angry about our own situation, it's impossible to be completely against it even though we're not stupid enough to think reform isn't needed. Is that so hard to understand?
I wish every child conceived could be kept and raised by the people who created it but that's completely unrealistic. We all need to work toward helping parents plan their parenthood, make the best, most informed decisions when unplanned, unexpected, and unwanted pregnancy occurs. And, it does occur. We do each other no favor pretending every human is born to be a parent.
Sensational or sugar-coated blanket statements are no help to anyone as they so easily dismissed.
Monday
Guest Post: more on telling the truth in adoption.
Telling Your Other Children About The Surrendered Child
BY Mary Anne Cohen
From Origins NJ Newsletter,revised 2004. 2012
One of the hardest but most necessary tasks facing first mothers is telling their other children about the surrendered brother or sister.
The longer a mother has kept the secret, the harder it is. Some mothers want to search but feel unable to come out to their families. These women are not deliberately deceptive or cowardly. They have the best motives towards all their children, but are frightened and confused about the possible ill effect of revealing their secret. They fear that the knowledge will harm their children, and add more guilt and damage to their already fragile self-image as adequate mothers. This is even more common in mothers who are found, who thought that the surrendered child would be a secret forever. Some may have husbands who are opposed to telling the children, which adds an extra source of anxiety.
Most mothers who surrendered in the years after WWII have told their husband about the surrendered child, and perhaps one or two close friends, but beyond that, it usually has not been discussed or shared. A few have not even confided in their husband or another living soul.
As a mother who is searching, chances are your home is suddenly full of adoption-related material, that you are glued to the TV whenever the word “adoption” is mentioned; that you spend hours on the Internet seeking search assistance, and that you have long phone conversations with your new adoption search buddies.
Although physically you remain in your ordinary surroundings, your mind and heart are caught up in a quest as profound, challenging, and consuming as any mythical crusade. You are in a state of emotional turmoil, as you face the challenges posed by each phase of search, contact, and reunion. Life is not really proceeding as usual, much as you might try to separate your home life from your “adoption life”. How can your family not notice that something is going on?
If you have been contacted by your adult child, either directly or through an intermediary, and are secretly corresponding, or in the hard place of trying to decide how or if to respond to the initial contact, your inner state and outer demeanor are probably even more upsetting and puzzling to those you live with, if you have not shared with them what momentous occurrence has transpired.
A secret like this has to come out, and it will, in ways that you may not like unless you take the initiative and control how your family is informed. Even if the found adoptee is patient and sensitive to your need for privacy for many years, the secret can take a toll on both of you and your relationship, and be revealed by some happening beyond either's control.
Your family are already affected by your search, despite your efforts to protect them. Why not let them be equal partners, persons you respect enough to share truth with, rather than confused spectators of something they half comprehend or misinterpret?
Children can draw some surprising conclusions from your unexplained erratic behavior. They may fear that they themselves are adopted, or that they have done something to upset you that is so awful you cannot talk about it. Older kids may imagine you have a secret lover, or are about to be divorced. They may fear that someone in the family has a fatal illness that is being concealed. The imagination of children is unlimited—and so is the needless suffering it can cause. Kids who have imagined any of these scenarios will be relieved when you finally reveal the truth, which in many ways has little to do with them, or their day to day family life.
It is important to realize that while your children may be interested in their lost sibling, and ask many questions, they will never have the intensity of feelings, especially painful ones that you have. They did not experience what you did; the birth, surrender, and years of secret guilt. They do not bring any of the baggage that you do to the whole adoption/reunion scenario. Telling them does not lay an equal burden of suffering on them. They may or may not eventually form their own relationship with their sibling.
We need to keep our boundaries clear and not project our feelings onto our children when contemplating “the talk” about the surrendered child. While the adoption issue is central to us, to most of our children it will be peripheral at most until they actually meet their sibling. Rather than experiencing a loss, some children are overjoyed to learn that they have suddenly “gained” a new sibling, often the big brother or sister they have always wanted, and approach the news with curiosity and wonder rather than horror.
A common reaction is, “Where is she? When can we see her?” If you have been contacted by an intermediary, or by your searching child, how wonderful to be able to reply, “as soon as possible!”. Another common reaction of adult children is that knowing you surrendered a child explains a lot about aspects of your behavior and emotional state over the years that may have been puzzling to them.
There is no ideal age to wait for. Right now is always the right time. It does not get easier with the passage of time, and can get more difficult. Teenagers and young adults may resent the fact that you underestimated their capacity to deal with reality, and treated them like babies rather than as maturing young people. They may feel betrayed that you were not honest with them sooner. Often, the oldest feels slightly displaced, and some sibling rivalry issues can be evident even if there is no reunion as yet.
Older children may be angry at having been deceived, rather than grateful for being “protected” from the truth for years. But like all things, this too will pass; just as it is never too early, it is also never too late. Many mothers who are already grandmothers have told middle-aged adult children of their other sibling, with no ill effects. Much as many of us fear that our subsequent children will fear rejection after being told that their mother gave up a child, I have never heard of any who voiced that concern, or acted as if that were a possibility. Your children have the right to know they have a sibling, and it is best that they hear it first from you.
Young children are generally trusting, and accept whatever you do because you are their mother and they love you. Children who grow up knowing that you had another child and placed her for adoption accept this as part of history, just as they would deal with knowing about a previous marriage of either of their parents.
Some of you have long passed the stage of telling little children, and are faced with the task of telling teenagers. Many mothers of teens fear that their children will lose respect for them as people, and will flaunt their mother’s “immorality” when told by their parents to wait to have sex. “You did it at 16—why can’t I”? Some young people, mostly male, have reacted with anger, judgment, and disbelief, and have shown resentment at their mother’s supposed “double standard.” But they get over it.
You could use your unhappy experience as an example of the problems created by sex without adequate protection, commitment, or maturity. Teenagers respect honesty; they hate hypocrisy. They will ultimately respect you for admitting you were not perfect, and may become more open and honest with you in return. Once they know and have incorporated your story into theirs, your teenage and adult children can be your greatest source of comfort during search and reunion. Don’t shut them out of something that could bring you all closer together.
Present the subject in a way that is appropriate to the age, maturity, and temperament of your child. Each child is unique. Some mothers prefer to tell all their children at once, others take each aside and discuss it with each separately. You know your own children and family dynamic best.
Once your children know, don’t go on too much about the subject, but do involve them in all the important points of your search and reunion. Any picture you have of the lost child, either from infancy or any current one you have been sent is helpful in “making it real.” If your husband is against telling the children, try to educate him, and help him to see that honesty is best for your whole family, while secrecy is already doing harm. Go forwards towards reunion with courage, truth and love—and follow your own heart and sense of ethics. It may help to introduce the subject of medical information that could be vital to all your children, and how in reunion it can be exchanged both ways.
You may want to wait to tell the children about their sibling until after you have had some contact with the adoptee, and know that he wants you in his life. In this way, you feel you are protecting your children from disappointment and rejection. This is a very common assumption, but it is wrong. In fact, it is easier for all if your children know before any contact is made, no matter what the outcome. If the adoptee is delighted to be found, or finds you, he may want to meet his siblings right away, which means you will have to either put him off, or tell your other children in the midst of the turmoil of a new reunion, rather than letting them hear and absorb the news in a more relaxed fashion. It is not fair to the adoptee to contact them, and then insist on a covert relationship where they remain a “dirty little secret.” If you are found, in most cases your surrendered child will be understanding, but eventually you may want the secret to end and true openness to begin.
Wherever you are as you read this, if you have not yet told your family, the right moment is now. There will never be an easier or better time, no matter what your present situation might be. The past is gone, but you can take an active and honest role in the future.
In case of rejection, or finding something tragic or distressing, you will need the love and support of those in your family more than ever. You will not need the extra strain of grieving an additional loss or blow while continuing to hide your pain and secret. If you should die before being reunited, it would be best for your family to know of the other child, so that they could welcome her if she searched, or search for her themselves if they felt the need. Adoption and surrender are family matters for generations to come, not just your own sad secret.
The good news about telling your other kids is that so many of us who were just as scared as you are have done it, with no lasting ill effects, some of us many years ago. Many faced difficult situations, but all were relieved to have finally gotten rid of the burden of secrecy. The truth really will set you free.
BY Mary Anne Cohen
From Origins NJ Newsletter,revised 2004. 2012
One of the hardest but most necessary tasks facing first mothers is telling their other children about the surrendered brother or sister.
The longer a mother has kept the secret, the harder it is. Some mothers want to search but feel unable to come out to their families. These women are not deliberately deceptive or cowardly. They have the best motives towards all their children, but are frightened and confused about the possible ill effect of revealing their secret. They fear that the knowledge will harm their children, and add more guilt and damage to their already fragile self-image as adequate mothers. This is even more common in mothers who are found, who thought that the surrendered child would be a secret forever. Some may have husbands who are opposed to telling the children, which adds an extra source of anxiety.
Most mothers who surrendered in the years after WWII have told their husband about the surrendered child, and perhaps one or two close friends, but beyond that, it usually has not been discussed or shared. A few have not even confided in their husband or another living soul.
As a mother who is searching, chances are your home is suddenly full of adoption-related material, that you are glued to the TV whenever the word “adoption” is mentioned; that you spend hours on the Internet seeking search assistance, and that you have long phone conversations with your new adoption search buddies.
Although physically you remain in your ordinary surroundings, your mind and heart are caught up in a quest as profound, challenging, and consuming as any mythical crusade. You are in a state of emotional turmoil, as you face the challenges posed by each phase of search, contact, and reunion. Life is not really proceeding as usual, much as you might try to separate your home life from your “adoption life”. How can your family not notice that something is going on?
If you have been contacted by your adult child, either directly or through an intermediary, and are secretly corresponding, or in the hard place of trying to decide how or if to respond to the initial contact, your inner state and outer demeanor are probably even more upsetting and puzzling to those you live with, if you have not shared with them what momentous occurrence has transpired.
A secret like this has to come out, and it will, in ways that you may not like unless you take the initiative and control how your family is informed. Even if the found adoptee is patient and sensitive to your need for privacy for many years, the secret can take a toll on both of you and your relationship, and be revealed by some happening beyond either's control.
Your family are already affected by your search, despite your efforts to protect them. Why not let them be equal partners, persons you respect enough to share truth with, rather than confused spectators of something they half comprehend or misinterpret?
Children can draw some surprising conclusions from your unexplained erratic behavior. They may fear that they themselves are adopted, or that they have done something to upset you that is so awful you cannot talk about it. Older kids may imagine you have a secret lover, or are about to be divorced. They may fear that someone in the family has a fatal illness that is being concealed. The imagination of children is unlimited—and so is the needless suffering it can cause. Kids who have imagined any of these scenarios will be relieved when you finally reveal the truth, which in many ways has little to do with them, or their day to day family life.
It is important to realize that while your children may be interested in their lost sibling, and ask many questions, they will never have the intensity of feelings, especially painful ones that you have. They did not experience what you did; the birth, surrender, and years of secret guilt. They do not bring any of the baggage that you do to the whole adoption/reunion scenario. Telling them does not lay an equal burden of suffering on them. They may or may not eventually form their own relationship with their sibling.
We need to keep our boundaries clear and not project our feelings onto our children when contemplating “the talk” about the surrendered child. While the adoption issue is central to us, to most of our children it will be peripheral at most until they actually meet their sibling. Rather than experiencing a loss, some children are overjoyed to learn that they have suddenly “gained” a new sibling, often the big brother or sister they have always wanted, and approach the news with curiosity and wonder rather than horror.
A common reaction is, “Where is she? When can we see her?” If you have been contacted by an intermediary, or by your searching child, how wonderful to be able to reply, “as soon as possible!”. Another common reaction of adult children is that knowing you surrendered a child explains a lot about aspects of your behavior and emotional state over the years that may have been puzzling to them.
There is no ideal age to wait for. Right now is always the right time. It does not get easier with the passage of time, and can get more difficult. Teenagers and young adults may resent the fact that you underestimated their capacity to deal with reality, and treated them like babies rather than as maturing young people. They may feel betrayed that you were not honest with them sooner. Often, the oldest feels slightly displaced, and some sibling rivalry issues can be evident even if there is no reunion as yet.
Older children may be angry at having been deceived, rather than grateful for being “protected” from the truth for years. But like all things, this too will pass; just as it is never too early, it is also never too late. Many mothers who are already grandmothers have told middle-aged adult children of their other sibling, with no ill effects. Much as many of us fear that our subsequent children will fear rejection after being told that their mother gave up a child, I have never heard of any who voiced that concern, or acted as if that were a possibility. Your children have the right to know they have a sibling, and it is best that they hear it first from you.
Young children are generally trusting, and accept whatever you do because you are their mother and they love you. Children who grow up knowing that you had another child and placed her for adoption accept this as part of history, just as they would deal with knowing about a previous marriage of either of their parents.
Some of you have long passed the stage of telling little children, and are faced with the task of telling teenagers. Many mothers of teens fear that their children will lose respect for them as people, and will flaunt their mother’s “immorality” when told by their parents to wait to have sex. “You did it at 16—why can’t I”? Some young people, mostly male, have reacted with anger, judgment, and disbelief, and have shown resentment at their mother’s supposed “double standard.” But they get over it.
You could use your unhappy experience as an example of the problems created by sex without adequate protection, commitment, or maturity. Teenagers respect honesty; they hate hypocrisy. They will ultimately respect you for admitting you were not perfect, and may become more open and honest with you in return. Once they know and have incorporated your story into theirs, your teenage and adult children can be your greatest source of comfort during search and reunion. Don’t shut them out of something that could bring you all closer together.
Present the subject in a way that is appropriate to the age, maturity, and temperament of your child. Each child is unique. Some mothers prefer to tell all their children at once, others take each aside and discuss it with each separately. You know your own children and family dynamic best.
Once your children know, don’t go on too much about the subject, but do involve them in all the important points of your search and reunion. Any picture you have of the lost child, either from infancy or any current one you have been sent is helpful in “making it real.” If your husband is against telling the children, try to educate him, and help him to see that honesty is best for your whole family, while secrecy is already doing harm. Go forwards towards reunion with courage, truth and love—and follow your own heart and sense of ethics. It may help to introduce the subject of medical information that could be vital to all your children, and how in reunion it can be exchanged both ways.
You may want to wait to tell the children about their sibling until after you have had some contact with the adoptee, and know that he wants you in his life. In this way, you feel you are protecting your children from disappointment and rejection. This is a very common assumption, but it is wrong. In fact, it is easier for all if your children know before any contact is made, no matter what the outcome. If the adoptee is delighted to be found, or finds you, he may want to meet his siblings right away, which means you will have to either put him off, or tell your other children in the midst of the turmoil of a new reunion, rather than letting them hear and absorb the news in a more relaxed fashion. It is not fair to the adoptee to contact them, and then insist on a covert relationship where they remain a “dirty little secret.” If you are found, in most cases your surrendered child will be understanding, but eventually you may want the secret to end and true openness to begin.
Wherever you are as you read this, if you have not yet told your family, the right moment is now. There will never be an easier or better time, no matter what your present situation might be. The past is gone, but you can take an active and honest role in the future.
In case of rejection, or finding something tragic or distressing, you will need the love and support of those in your family more than ever. You will not need the extra strain of grieving an additional loss or blow while continuing to hide your pain and secret. If you should die before being reunited, it would be best for your family to know of the other child, so that they could welcome her if she searched, or search for her themselves if they felt the need. Adoption and surrender are family matters for generations to come, not just your own sad secret.
The good news about telling your other kids is that so many of us who were just as scared as you are have done it, with no lasting ill effects, some of us many years ago. Many faced difficult situations, but all were relieved to have finally gotten rid of the burden of secrecy. The truth really will set you free.
Tuesday
"Adoptees Using DNA to Find Family" My Review
I recently had my attention directed to this transcript of a radio program. The first blog post that brought it to my attention was highly critical of the contributions of Kimberly Leighton, one of the panel guests on the program. Leighton is assistant professor of philosophy at American University and was, I assume, invited to be a part of the discussion because, according to her bio linked to above, "one question Kim asks is: how might current sciences of identity such as genetics and genomics, and the ethical problems they purportedly raise, affect current political, social, and legal critique, particularly in regards to articulations of rights and freedom?" Makes sense, no? It's also interesting to note that Leighton herself is adopted and has experienced a successful search for her "birth mother" and says her life was improved knowing her and her story. Seems to me an excellent choice of a guest for a discussion on adoptees using DNA to find family. I loved that Leighton asked the representative of Family Tree DNA, Bennett Greenspan, how they "handle the more psychological aspects, as well as the ethical ones, of searching -- because many adoptees -- when they do find, they find more complicated situations than they expected." I don't love that she asked because I think the Family Tree outfit has a responsibility to provide any kind of assistance to their customers in coping with the psychological aspects of searching, I love that Leighton bringing it up opens up (or should open up) discussion about the ethics and ramifications of searching, negative and positive, because it's a discussion worth having. A large part of that discussion needs to be about our mothers and fathers and whether they want to be found or not, something that seems to be a terribly conflicted topic in online adoption discussions. Discussing complications and ethics in adoption search does not deny adoptees a right to know or undermine a parent who wants to be found. It actually could aid in achieving openness. What's the difference between saying most mothers did not willingly give up their kids and want to be found and saying most mothers wanted and were promised confidentiality, anonymity, and have no desire to find or be found? There is none. They both achieve nothing because both are true and if we try and make one or the other gospel, there will always be someone sitting there thinking "well, I know that's not true because it's not my experience", and when that happens, credibility is affected. Every experience is valid and it does no good to pick and choose only the stories that suit an agenda, does no good to minimize circumstances that are unlike our own. I find the stats that say that the majority of mothers (sorry dads, nobody talks about you) want to be found and to reunite so far-fetched. We aren't going to see the parents who do want to remain anonymous, want their perceived promise of confidentiality honoured, jumping up and down yelling, "here I am!". We can talk all we want about the world being so small now, the expectation of anonymity being unrealistic, but it wasn't always. My own bio mother said her being found was never supposed to happen. It's why she went "so far away" to give me up. I'd like to share and comment on a few things Kimberly Leighton said. I think she's bang on with much of what she says within the context of her role on the panel which was as an expert in ethics and an adopted person who has searched successfully. "When you go on an adoption search, you're not finding a static piece of information. You're stepping into an ongoing life of an infinite number of people." -Nothing to argue with here. "So it's not simply the same as doing a genealogy. When adoptees go searching, they're opening up Pandora's boxes of other people's lives." -Anyone who denies that an adoptee searching is different than real kids searching is in a big fat friggin' fog. It is NOT the same thing as doing genealogy for most adoptees. The only way it would be is if the adoptee was just researching out of interest and had no plans to make contact with anyone. Leighton was asked, "In one case, at least reported in The New York Times, someone found a third cousin. What use is that?". She answered, "Well, I think this opens up a large -- larger question, which is, what do we think family is? And I think adoptees who are using these services go in already hoping that they're going to find some kind of some kind of connection. And it raises a lot of questions about what the ethical issues here are. And that's probably where I would want to start, in some ways, in this conversation because, in a contemporary situation, when we have closed records, the women who gave up their children for adoption were, in many ways, promised confidentiality. So we have to think about -- as much as we like the happy ending story that these searches seem to promise, we do have to raise, at the first level, the ethical question of what about these women's or men's or larger families' right to privacy." -I guess if you're of the mindset that the only person worthy of privacy is the adoptee and that no mothers felt they were promised or wanted confidentiality then this comment is complete garbage to you but I think, at the very least, it would be helpful to acknowledge the fact that people/families like this exist and aren't as few and far between as people want us to think. Read a thread asking adoptees if their mothers were open or happy to be found, if they were immediately open and welcoming upon contact. In my experience, it's at least half if not more of the adoptees who were not welcomed by their mothers with open arms. Does it make it right? Maybe not. Is it reality? Yes. "We never really know the full story of why someone has relinquished a child, and we can assume it wasn't an easy choice, no matter what. And to enter -- anyone who enters a search has to enter that process knowing that they don't know what happened. They don't know who's been told. They don't know what the circumstances were. And to find a third cousin and to begin a search backwards that way opens up the possibility that you're presenting yourself to family members who have no idea that this woman might have even been pregnant." -Hear this and believe it! Hmm, reading through the transcript I could pretty much copy everything Leighton contributed. To me it all came across as balanced and realistic, an excellent assessment on adoptees using DNA services to find family. Leighton definitely did not come across to me as an enemy, a traitor to adoptees, as only caring about herself and her own search. She didn't offer her personal position on the legal issue of one's birth record and kept her comments confined to the topic which was the use of DNA services by adoptees to locate family. She could hardly pretend there aren't ethical questions and concerns surrounding adoptees searching, especially when using a method that can involve 3 and 4 times removed relatives who barely know each other, if at all. There was only one thing Leighton said that gave me pause and that's that Canada has no secrecy in adoption. Perhaps she meant in new or recent adoption and/or sperm and egg donation because there certainly is still secrecy and closed records in adoption here. I know this because mine are. Lastly, I explored and enjoyed this link recommended by Greenspan and want to share it. The DNA Testing Guide . Oh, and personally, I would use DNA to carefully ascertain who my biological father is. At this point, I am well prepared for anything I might find out. Well, except maybe for how much the DNA testing would end up costing. |
Sunday
They loved me, they loved me not. How much does it really matter?
I think it's safe to say that every adopted person will wonder why they're adopted. They may not search for their biological people, they may not try and dig up info, they may not ask questions or obviously wonder, they may only wonder a few times in their lifetime, but it will happen to us all at least once, I think.
I've read tons on the evils of telling a child they were given up out of love. That saying, "your parent(s) loved you so much, they gave you away!" causes lifelong emotional, relationship and abandonment issues. I see how it could, especially said the way I've just written it. They say the child will think, "oh no, if someone loves me it must mean they'll give me away or leave me". I can see how people make the connection, but I know it doesn't have to be that way.
I happen to believe adoption can be an act of love. I believe a mother and/or a father can choose to give their child up for adoption because they care and want something different for their child than they themselves can provide. I also believe an adopted person can understand this if they choose to.
I grew up thinking my bio mom gave me up because she loved me. It didn't affect me adversely when it came to other relationships, my mind didn't make the leap. As strange as it may sound to some, I just never took my adoption personally, never thought that it was something that I did wrong or was responsible for. Never thought that because I was put up for adoption that everyone else in my life would leave me or let me down. Never thought I was less valuable as a human being because of my adoptedness (although as a young teen I did think I was less valuable as a human because I had acne). I've since found out that my bio mom didn't give me up out of love, out of care for me personally, and I still believe there are parents who do it out of love or care, they just don't happen to be my parents (lol). Which is fine, ultimately it doesn't really make any difference if we were given up out of love and care, or given up because of religious values, or given up because it was too late to have an abortion or the bio parent(s) don't believe in abortion, or whatever other multitude of reasons people may have for freely choosing adoption.
My life value, my value as a human being, as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a wife and lover is not tied to my birth and circumstance of it. My value as a person is no longer tied to my parents, any of the four of them, because although my value and worth as a human being was never tied to my bio parents, it certainly was at times tied to my adoptive parents. It no longer is and hasn't been for quite a long time. Oh sure, there's the occasional tinge of "my mommy doesn't love me the way I think she should" (thats amommy for those who wouldn't know) but it's fleeting and is tossed away as quickly as it appears. A waste of energy and emotion that I could be using elsewhere, devoting to an issue or person worthy of it.
My value is not tied to any of my parents. My value is tied to me. My value is in how I live my life and how I care for and treat others. My value is in being honest. In being kind when I should and being strong when I must. My value is in knowing that it's most important I'm likable, good and true to those who truly love and care about me instead of those who are, well, assholes.
You know, you can run around for a long time trying to get an asshole to like you, to treat you well, to show you some respect, to get them to believe in, and allow you to be, your real self, but most times in the end, the person is still an asshole and you've just wasted a ton of energy that you could have used elsewhere.
And please, don't tell me this is an adoptee trait. I know plenty of real kids who run around trying to get assholes to like them. It's a human trait and may have nothing whatsoever to do with the fact your bio parents chose adoption because they cared about you.
Growing up thinking I was given up for adoption out of love and care didn't negatively affect me, perhaps it even positively affected me, who's to know for sure? I know I don't and neither can you. I do know that it's important all kids feel wanted, loved, accepted, and cared about by somebody. It can go a very long way in helping them cope and come to terms with the less than perfect existances we all experience.
I've read tons on the evils of telling a child they were given up out of love. That saying, "your parent(s) loved you so much, they gave you away!" causes lifelong emotional, relationship and abandonment issues. I see how it could, especially said the way I've just written it. They say the child will think, "oh no, if someone loves me it must mean they'll give me away or leave me". I can see how people make the connection, but I know it doesn't have to be that way.
I happen to believe adoption can be an act of love. I believe a mother and/or a father can choose to give their child up for adoption because they care and want something different for their child than they themselves can provide. I also believe an adopted person can understand this if they choose to.
I grew up thinking my bio mom gave me up because she loved me. It didn't affect me adversely when it came to other relationships, my mind didn't make the leap. As strange as it may sound to some, I just never took my adoption personally, never thought that it was something that I did wrong or was responsible for. Never thought that because I was put up for adoption that everyone else in my life would leave me or let me down. Never thought I was less valuable as a human being because of my adoptedness (although as a young teen I did think I was less valuable as a human because I had acne). I've since found out that my bio mom didn't give me up out of love, out of care for me personally, and I still believe there are parents who do it out of love or care, they just don't happen to be my parents (lol). Which is fine, ultimately it doesn't really make any difference if we were given up out of love and care, or given up because of religious values, or given up because it was too late to have an abortion or the bio parent(s) don't believe in abortion, or whatever other multitude of reasons people may have for freely choosing adoption.
My life value, my value as a human being, as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a wife and lover is not tied to my birth and circumstance of it. My value as a person is no longer tied to my parents, any of the four of them, because although my value and worth as a human being was never tied to my bio parents, it certainly was at times tied to my adoptive parents. It no longer is and hasn't been for quite a long time. Oh sure, there's the occasional tinge of "my mommy doesn't love me the way I think she should" (thats amommy for those who wouldn't know) but it's fleeting and is tossed away as quickly as it appears. A waste of energy and emotion that I could be using elsewhere, devoting to an issue or person worthy of it.
My value is not tied to any of my parents. My value is tied to me. My value is in how I live my life and how I care for and treat others. My value is in being honest. In being kind when I should and being strong when I must. My value is in knowing that it's most important I'm likable, good and true to those who truly love and care about me instead of those who are, well, assholes.
You know, you can run around for a long time trying to get an asshole to like you, to treat you well, to show you some respect, to get them to believe in, and allow you to be, your real self, but most times in the end, the person is still an asshole and you've just wasted a ton of energy that you could have used elsewhere.
And please, don't tell me this is an adoptee trait. I know plenty of real kids who run around trying to get assholes to like them. It's a human trait and may have nothing whatsoever to do with the fact your bio parents chose adoption because they cared about you.
Growing up thinking I was given up for adoption out of love and care didn't negatively affect me, perhaps it even positively affected me, who's to know for sure? I know I don't and neither can you. I do know that it's important all kids feel wanted, loved, accepted, and cared about by somebody. It can go a very long way in helping them cope and come to terms with the less than perfect existances we all experience.
Does Being Adopted Really Make One An Expert On All Things Adoption?
Been reading around blogs this morning and found much that nauseated me. Thankfully I found a few gems as well. I decided to pinch one anonymous comment I found especially interesting and share it here with you.
Nobody can be an expert on the background to every single adoption program in the world unless that's what you do all day and get paid for it. I also disagree that there's plenty of information for people to take away from the blogs; there's a lot of bickering and name calling, but little useful info. Better to do your own research and try to find out why children are institutionalized in the country where you adopted from/plan to adopt from and what you can do to enable family preservation in that country. Every adoptive parent(has)an obligation to do this IMO. But if you adopted from Eastern Europe, don't try to be an expert on China (the roots of child institutionalization in EE will keep you occupied for months or years) and don't pretend that you're an expert on all intercountry adoptees or adoption just because you were adopted in Wisconsin in 1966. There are a handful of dedicated people doing the legwork to rid the system of corruption in different regions. Find those people and those lists (mostly closed), find the research that explains WHY children and families are separated, and support the foundations that do the work, including driving some trial programs with group homes and fostering—even in places where foster parenting is not the norm. EveryChild is an example of one that does this in EE, since a couple of people mentioned that example.
You can find a link to their report here:
http://p-ced.com/reference/Family_Matters_summary.pdf
They view intercountry adoption as a very last resort but have nothing good to say about institutionalization. As usual, reality isn't on one side or the other.
Nobody can be an expert on the background to every single adoption program in the world unless that's what you do all day and get paid for it. I also disagree that there's plenty of information for people to take away from the blogs; there's a lot of bickering and name calling, but little useful info. Better to do your own research and try to find out why children are institutionalized in the country where you adopted from/plan to adopt from and what you can do to enable family preservation in that country. Every adoptive parent(has)an obligation to do this IMO. But if you adopted from Eastern Europe, don't try to be an expert on China (the roots of child institutionalization in EE will keep you occupied for months or years) and don't pretend that you're an expert on all intercountry adoptees or adoption just because you were adopted in Wisconsin in 1966. There are a handful of dedicated people doing the legwork to rid the system of corruption in different regions. Find those people and those lists (mostly closed), find the research that explains WHY children and families are separated, and support the foundations that do the work, including driving some trial programs with group homes and fostering—even in places where foster parenting is not the norm. EveryChild is an example of one that does this in EE, since a couple of people mentioned that example.
You can find a link to their report here:
http://p-ced.com/reference/Family_Matters_summary.pdf
They view intercountry adoption as a very last resort but have nothing good to say about institutionalization. As usual, reality isn't on one side or the other.
Monday
Who is speaking doesn’t matter when what’s spoken is truth.
Like many of you I've been reading through some of the interviews at Adoption Bloggers Interview Project . I had considered getting involved myself but found I didn't really have the time to dedicate to do a good job....plus, to be honest, I was kinda chicken.
I was looking forward to reading one interview that was of special interest to me, not only because it's with a rare father blogger but also because I always enjoy reading what this particular writer has to say.
I wasn't disappointed.
I've asked the writer for permission to highlight some of what he had to say in his interview and you can find it in it's entirety here .
Here's some of what "I am" at Statistically Impossible has to say in his interview.
There’s an annoying concept, particularly strong in adoption circles, that a child is somehow more the mother’s than the father’s. The ability to be geographically removed from the location of the child during gestation doesn’t change the relationship of a child to his/her father. The father is the father. He may be a horrendous jerk, but his child is still his child without regard to his ethical quality.
Social taboo tells us asking others to raise our children effectively makes us defective humans. People who take in children that are not of their own lineage are compassionate heroes. So giving a child to another for adoption is abhorrent, but the act of adopting is a beautiful miracle. These contrary attitudes need to be addressed and changed.
What first fathers need to be able to engage in an adoption is the knowledge that they can engage, fully, and as they wish. Understanding why it is so common for first fathers to leave adoptions is as easy as searching google. Hop over and search for “birth father resources”. Of the few links that have anything to do with birth fathers at all, one is an out of date activist site specific to the state of California. Birthfather.com looks like a great organization, until one recognizes that it is a single page that’s a part of the Adoption.com pages. The article, though well written, is in fact written by a woman. I’m glad to have women’s perspective on the subject of adoption, but we are well out of balance. Susan Wadia-Ellis wrote, in her introduction to The Adoption Reader (1995): "Adoption, like motherhood, has always been a woman’s issue. It is women who give birth, and women who have had their birth children taken from them because of cultural, political or economic forces; and it is women who sometimes feel they must relinquish their birth child in order to protect that child"[p.ix].
Why aren’t more birth fathers involved? Does one sit at a table where no chair is available? What I believe will help open the door for more birth fathers to engage is recognition. It is important to realize that the emotional processes men undergo in adoption are largely the same as women! Men, too, are placing their child in the care of others. It may be a shock for some to hear that men have emotions. We love our children every bit as much as their mother’s do.
I was looking forward to reading one interview that was of special interest to me, not only because it's with a rare father blogger but also because I always enjoy reading what this particular writer has to say.
I wasn't disappointed.
I've asked the writer for permission to highlight some of what he had to say in his interview and you can find it in it's entirety here .
Here's some of what "I am" at Statistically Impossible has to say in his interview.
There’s an annoying concept, particularly strong in adoption circles, that a child is somehow more the mother’s than the father’s. The ability to be geographically removed from the location of the child during gestation doesn’t change the relationship of a child to his/her father. The father is the father. He may be a horrendous jerk, but his child is still his child without regard to his ethical quality.
Social taboo tells us asking others to raise our children effectively makes us defective humans. People who take in children that are not of their own lineage are compassionate heroes. So giving a child to another for adoption is abhorrent, but the act of adopting is a beautiful miracle. These contrary attitudes need to be addressed and changed.
What first fathers need to be able to engage in an adoption is the knowledge that they can engage, fully, and as they wish. Understanding why it is so common for first fathers to leave adoptions is as easy as searching google. Hop over and search for “birth father resources”. Of the few links that have anything to do with birth fathers at all, one is an out of date activist site specific to the state of California. Birthfather.com looks like a great organization, until one recognizes that it is a single page that’s a part of the Adoption.com pages. The article, though well written, is in fact written by a woman. I’m glad to have women’s perspective on the subject of adoption, but we are well out of balance. Susan Wadia-Ellis wrote, in her introduction to The Adoption Reader (1995): "Adoption, like motherhood, has always been a woman’s issue. It is women who give birth, and women who have had their birth children taken from them because of cultural, political or economic forces; and it is women who sometimes feel they must relinquish their birth child in order to protect that child"[p.ix].
Why aren’t more birth fathers involved? Does one sit at a table where no chair is available? What I believe will help open the door for more birth fathers to engage is recognition. It is important to realize that the emotional processes men undergo in adoption are largely the same as women! Men, too, are placing their child in the care of others. It may be a shock for some to hear that men have emotions. We love our children every bit as much as their mother’s do.
Friday
Some people's mothers
I can now see how an adopted person could get so fed up dealing with their biological parent that they would say screw it and just go ahead and contact other family members. I'm not saying they should, and I haven't and likely never (never say never) will, but I can now see how it all could evolve.
This October marks a year since I met my biological mother. This January will mark 2 years since our initial contact via email. At the moment I am going on week number, ohhh let's see, maybe 4 or 5, and unanswered email number 3. Email number 1 was a pretty nice mail (I solicited opinions) in which I asked point blank who my biological father is. I haven't heard squat since. No "eff off and die", no "sorry Campbell, I will not tell you", no "I need more time", not a damn word.
I realize something could be wrong with her, she may have no Internet access, she could even be dead for all I know but it's not likely since I haven't seen an obituary yet in my daily searches. Also, based on the past 2 experiences where I worried something may be wrong and it turned out all was well, she'd just not bothered to mail back, it's more likely that she's just ignoring me again. If I'm wrong and she's ill or dead, I will not feel the slightest bit of guilt for being ticked off and that's her doing, not mine.
I have done all I possibly can to prove my dedication to protecting her privacy. She has no legitimate reason to fear I will betray her if she gives me the information I'm entitled to, which is knowing who my biological father is.
I write this post not to solicit my reader's pity but rather to inform those thinking of searching. To tell those who've gone against their mother's wishes and contacted family members that I can see how it can happen. To let in the closet mothers know how frustrating it can be from the adopted person's side of it all. How disrespectful it feels to be ignored when you've taken great care with your mother or father's feelings and circumstance.
How tempting it is to just say screw this.
Why should I continue to care how you feel when how I feel is apparently meaningless to you?
This October marks a year since I met my biological mother. This January will mark 2 years since our initial contact via email. At the moment I am going on week number, ohhh let's see, maybe 4 or 5, and unanswered email number 3. Email number 1 was a pretty nice mail (I solicited opinions) in which I asked point blank who my biological father is. I haven't heard squat since. No "eff off and die", no "sorry Campbell, I will not tell you", no "I need more time", not a damn word.
I realize something could be wrong with her, she may have no Internet access, she could even be dead for all I know but it's not likely since I haven't seen an obituary yet in my daily searches. Also, based on the past 2 experiences where I worried something may be wrong and it turned out all was well, she'd just not bothered to mail back, it's more likely that she's just ignoring me again. If I'm wrong and she's ill or dead, I will not feel the slightest bit of guilt for being ticked off and that's her doing, not mine.
I have done all I possibly can to prove my dedication to protecting her privacy. She has no legitimate reason to fear I will betray her if she gives me the information I'm entitled to, which is knowing who my biological father is.
I write this post not to solicit my reader's pity but rather to inform those thinking of searching. To tell those who've gone against their mother's wishes and contacted family members that I can see how it can happen. To let in the closet mothers know how frustrating it can be from the adopted person's side of it all. How disrespectful it feels to be ignored when you've taken great care with your mother or father's feelings and circumstance.
How tempting it is to just say screw this.
Why should I continue to care how you feel when how I feel is apparently meaningless to you?
Thursday
Honesty is such a lonely word
I just read a blog post about a mother telling an adoptee acquaintance how it was for her when she gave her child up for adoption. This particular mother's experience sounds horrible and she seems to be the kind of woman who wants a mother/child type relationship after reuniting with her adopted, now adult, child.
I've come away thinking about that adoptee and how he may be processing the info imparted to him. I came away wondering if this mother also spoke of the mothers who were not coerced or drugged, the mothers who didn't want their baby, the mothers who have no desire to know or have a parent/child relationship with their adopted out, now adult kids. The mothers who put it all behind them and went on with their lives.
This particular adoptee has to date not searched. He will be affected by this new knowledge, in what manner is anyone's guess, but it will have an effect. If the mother who shared her experience only shared her own and made no mention of the various other scenarios that exist, I think she may have done this adoptee a disservice.
Ever since I've started blogging my way of talking about being adopted has changed. I still talk about it, about myself, but I also talk about all the other people I've learned about. If I share how I feel about something, something like the Primal Wound theory or open records or access to OBC's, I will always add that not everyone feels the way I do. If I talk about my family and how my adoption worked out, I make sure and add that that's not the case for everyone, that it's literally a crap shoot. Some adoptees end up with horrible families, adoption isn't a guarantee that we won't be like everyone else.
I think as adoptees we have a responsibility to be honest and open about what we know if we decide to talk about our experience. I think parents have that same responsibility.
I think we set each other up for failure when we withhold information.
I've come away thinking about that adoptee and how he may be processing the info imparted to him. I came away wondering if this mother also spoke of the mothers who were not coerced or drugged, the mothers who didn't want their baby, the mothers who have no desire to know or have a parent/child relationship with their adopted out, now adult kids. The mothers who put it all behind them and went on with their lives.
This particular adoptee has to date not searched. He will be affected by this new knowledge, in what manner is anyone's guess, but it will have an effect. If the mother who shared her experience only shared her own and made no mention of the various other scenarios that exist, I think she may have done this adoptee a disservice.
Ever since I've started blogging my way of talking about being adopted has changed. I still talk about it, about myself, but I also talk about all the other people I've learned about. If I share how I feel about something, something like the Primal Wound theory or open records or access to OBC's, I will always add that not everyone feels the way I do. If I talk about my family and how my adoption worked out, I make sure and add that that's not the case for everyone, that it's literally a crap shoot. Some adoptees end up with horrible families, adoption isn't a guarantee that we won't be like everyone else.
I think as adoptees we have a responsibility to be honest and open about what we know if we decide to talk about our experience. I think parents have that same responsibility.
I think we set each other up for failure when we withhold information.
Sunday
Deal With It
What are you doing? Don't you see your actions betray your claims of love? How can you love yet not defend? Why is the joy not a good thing? Why aren't you happy for those who are happy, the ones you claim to love? Why isn't there a sense of relief in simply knowing? There would be if you truly cared in the first place. Can you not see how your behaviour makes it seem like it's all about you?
I'd rather know the truth. My truth may be easier, knowing my adoption was wanted. I don't know how I'd feel if it were the opposite but I know I'd be angry at being made to feel guilty for being ok. If it's really about your long lost child, them being ok would be a good thing. Be honest, it's the pain of being left behind. The pain of knowing it didn't have to be you as mom for things to work out.
What is so wrong with being happy to be alive? To be grateful the roll of the dice came up a winner? A roll of the dice that was thrown on an innocent child's behalf.
Why can't you see how hurtful it could be to dismiss another's reality? To make it about you, to be closed-minded, to stubbornly stick to a script when there isn't one.
You can have your pain and loss. It's obvious, it makes sense. Why must you be blinded by it? Conjure up evil where there is none, exaggerate and make false comparisons. Aren't the real issues enough? Aren't the actual injustices horrific enough for you?
Listen, and learn. Respect and admire. Speak for yourself and allow others to do the same.
There are babies and children who are unwanted. They deserve families. They deserve to have a chance. Be honest with yourself so you can be honest with others.
Why must you set people up for failure? Mislead, misinform. Do you not realize in doing so you grant people the freedom to blame the innocent? To point fingers at their child instead of themselves? Do you realize you're setting other up people's unkept children for disappointment by saying their mothers think daily about them and would give anything to know them? That mothers who reject their adult children are a rarity? That unkept children are the same as the kept children? It's not true for everyone.
You're perpetuating what you claim to be against, the marginalization of unwanted children. It obviously wasn't enough that you wanted your child, if you did. Too many others in your life did not, for whatever reason.
And so your now adult child is fine. You won't believe it though. If they love their parents, this is a bad thing for you. You secretly feel good if they had bad parents. If they say that they had good parents, they are not to be believed. They must be afraid to say otherwise. If they had bad parents and still don't like you, again it's everyone else's fault. It couldn't possibly be you and the things you say and do.
How disappointing it must be to not like the adult your child became, but really, not all that uncommon. You're no different than your children's parents whom you detest. In fact, you may even be worse. It's comical how you blame each other, each using the other as an excuse for the disappointment you feel in this adult you all claim to love but who will never measure up, will never fill the void you are unable to fill yourself. Our kids don't exist to build us up, make us whole, kiss our boo-boos. It's supposed to be the other way around.
Biology doesn't matter, unless you are disappointed in the kid you got. Nurture doesn't matter, unless you are disappointed in the kid you created.
You want to support adoptee rights? How about also supporting the right to be ok? The right to be whatever we are, as children and adults. Honour the experience without using it as an excuse to label, to dismiss, to predict, to assume. To insult.
Is your adult child that you didn't raise not good enough for you? Maybe you should look at yourself. Maybe you should look at those who have managed to develop relationships and instead of envying them and dismissing them, learn from them.
My deepest sympathies to all adoptees who search and find nasty, bitter, biological parents who are not happy for you if you made it through ok. My deepest sympathies to all adoptees who got stuck with crappy adoptive parents who aren't happy for you if you searched and found decent, good, biological parents. My deepest sympathies to all parents, biological or adoptive, who have narcissistic, self-absorbed, bitchy adult kids who take advantage and refuse to see how fortunate they are.
Although it angers you to your core that I say it, many of us adoptees are ok.
Deal with it.
I'd rather know the truth. My truth may be easier, knowing my adoption was wanted. I don't know how I'd feel if it were the opposite but I know I'd be angry at being made to feel guilty for being ok. If it's really about your long lost child, them being ok would be a good thing. Be honest, it's the pain of being left behind. The pain of knowing it didn't have to be you as mom for things to work out.
What is so wrong with being happy to be alive? To be grateful the roll of the dice came up a winner? A roll of the dice that was thrown on an innocent child's behalf.
Why can't you see how hurtful it could be to dismiss another's reality? To make it about you, to be closed-minded, to stubbornly stick to a script when there isn't one.
You can have your pain and loss. It's obvious, it makes sense. Why must you be blinded by it? Conjure up evil where there is none, exaggerate and make false comparisons. Aren't the real issues enough? Aren't the actual injustices horrific enough for you?
Listen, and learn. Respect and admire. Speak for yourself and allow others to do the same.
There are babies and children who are unwanted. They deserve families. They deserve to have a chance. Be honest with yourself so you can be honest with others.
Why must you set people up for failure? Mislead, misinform. Do you not realize in doing so you grant people the freedom to blame the innocent? To point fingers at their child instead of themselves? Do you realize you're setting other up people's unkept children for disappointment by saying their mothers think daily about them and would give anything to know them? That mothers who reject their adult children are a rarity? That unkept children are the same as the kept children? It's not true for everyone.
You're perpetuating what you claim to be against, the marginalization of unwanted children. It obviously wasn't enough that you wanted your child, if you did. Too many others in your life did not, for whatever reason.
And so your now adult child is fine. You won't believe it though. If they love their parents, this is a bad thing for you. You secretly feel good if they had bad parents. If they say that they had good parents, they are not to be believed. They must be afraid to say otherwise. If they had bad parents and still don't like you, again it's everyone else's fault. It couldn't possibly be you and the things you say and do.
How disappointing it must be to not like the adult your child became, but really, not all that uncommon. You're no different than your children's parents whom you detest. In fact, you may even be worse. It's comical how you blame each other, each using the other as an excuse for the disappointment you feel in this adult you all claim to love but who will never measure up, will never fill the void you are unable to fill yourself. Our kids don't exist to build us up, make us whole, kiss our boo-boos. It's supposed to be the other way around.
Biology doesn't matter, unless you are disappointed in the kid you got. Nurture doesn't matter, unless you are disappointed in the kid you created.
You want to support adoptee rights? How about also supporting the right to be ok? The right to be whatever we are, as children and adults. Honour the experience without using it as an excuse to label, to dismiss, to predict, to assume. To insult.
Is your adult child that you didn't raise not good enough for you? Maybe you should look at yourself. Maybe you should look at those who have managed to develop relationships and instead of envying them and dismissing them, learn from them.
My deepest sympathies to all adoptees who search and find nasty, bitter, biological parents who are not happy for you if you made it through ok. My deepest sympathies to all adoptees who got stuck with crappy adoptive parents who aren't happy for you if you searched and found decent, good, biological parents. My deepest sympathies to all parents, biological or adoptive, who have narcissistic, self-absorbed, bitchy adult kids who take advantage and refuse to see how fortunate they are.
Although it angers you to your core that I say it, many of us adoptees are ok.
Deal with it.
Saturday
Womb fresh infants and foster kids
Adoption is such a strange (impossible) thing to discuss, online anyway.
I quite often see adoption reformers talk about leaving the womb fresh babies alone, that people should be adopting from foster care instead. Every time I see those words, or some version of them, I can't help but think about the reasons why there are kids in foster care in the first place. If one is to end up being adopted anyway, why would it not be better to be adopted as a womb fresh infant?
I know some will say that kids in foster care are only there because of social wreckers (is that the proper derogatory term?) yanking them from families whose only crime is a dirty home and while I'm sure it's the case sometimes, it's less often than not. At least here in Canada.
Where I am familiar, it's the opposite. Kids are kept in families too long in name of family preservation. Sometimes so long it results in the deaths of children.
Another thing that occurs to me is that, because I do believe that some women who place babies for adoption DO care about or love their babies, either as human beings or as their children, women who consciously and intentionally seek out good families for their baby are the ones who are more likely to become good parents themselves given time and adequate resources.
Mothers who do not consider adoption or abortion (or birth control) and just keep having and keeping kids they have no genuine interest in parenting, have no means to properly support financially, continue to abuse drugs or alcohol and make repeated bad choices when it comes to paternity putting their lovers before their kids, are crap mothers, if one can even call them mothers, whose kids are some (most?) of those that end up in foster care.
Are we as mothers society's responsibility? If so, after how many kids? Is there a limit? If we're relying on society to support us financially, does it not then give them the right to butt into our business? And finally, why must womb fresh infants have to wait until they're damaged and in foster care to be adopted?
Oh yeah, I watched 20/20 last night and it was about Diane Downs and the baby (her fourth) that was taken from her at birth, now an adult, was interviewed.
I quite often see adoption reformers talk about leaving the womb fresh babies alone, that people should be adopting from foster care instead. Every time I see those words, or some version of them, I can't help but think about the reasons why there are kids in foster care in the first place. If one is to end up being adopted anyway, why would it not be better to be adopted as a womb fresh infant?
I know some will say that kids in foster care are only there because of social wreckers (is that the proper derogatory term?) yanking them from families whose only crime is a dirty home and while I'm sure it's the case sometimes, it's less often than not. At least here in Canada.
Where I am familiar, it's the opposite. Kids are kept in families too long in name of family preservation. Sometimes so long it results in the deaths of children.
Another thing that occurs to me is that, because I do believe that some women who place babies for adoption DO care about or love their babies, either as human beings or as their children, women who consciously and intentionally seek out good families for their baby are the ones who are more likely to become good parents themselves given time and adequate resources.
Mothers who do not consider adoption or abortion (or birth control) and just keep having and keeping kids they have no genuine interest in parenting, have no means to properly support financially, continue to abuse drugs or alcohol and make repeated bad choices when it comes to paternity putting their lovers before their kids, are crap mothers, if one can even call them mothers, whose kids are some (most?) of those that end up in foster care.
Are we as mothers society's responsibility? If so, after how many kids? Is there a limit? If we're relying on society to support us financially, does it not then give them the right to butt into our business? And finally, why must womb fresh infants have to wait until they're damaged and in foster care to be adopted?
Oh yeah, I watched 20/20 last night and it was about Diane Downs and the baby (her fourth) that was taken from her at birth, now an adult, was interviewed.
Sunday
"I don't believe it is my secret to tell"
We haven't met, and it seems unlikely that we will. I am your older sister, born in 1972 and given up for adoption. Our parents were unmarried teenagers at the time and felt unable and unprepared to raise a child. I was with them for one week in hospital before they went through with their plan to have me adopted and I was moved into foster care. They married six years later and went on to have you both. Less than five miles separated our homes as we grew up, and even now I live less than an hour away from you.
Read the rest of this letter at The Guardian, series: A letter to...
A letter to … my secret siblings
Read the rest of this letter at The Guardian, series: A letter to...
A letter to … my secret siblings
Friday
The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the myth -- persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.(Quote by - John F. Kennedy)
I don’t subscribe to the Primal Wound Theory as it's presented and the reason that I don’t is because I was adopted as an infant and I don’t have a primal wound. Not sure one could have a much more valid reason for being a non-believer. It’s basically the same as believing a primal wound exists because one has a primal wound. Except for, my experience negates Nancy Verrier’s declaration that a primal wound is inescapable, universal and that means something.
It means you don’t automatically have a primal wound if you were not raised by your biological mother. Phew, eh?
I am however a believer in adoptee rights.
I think you can be unwounded and still be concerned with discrimination against adopted persons when it comes to closed records of the adoptee’s own life.
I think you can be unwounded and still care about kids being born today to parents that aren’t going to raise them. I care very much about who ends up raising them and how they go about it. In fact, I care about how people are raising all kids, kept or not.
Something else I care about is biological parents’ feelings. Their fear, their shame. I believe their feelings should be taken into consideration when opening up records to adoptees. I really do. I’m well aware that the online community say repeatedly that parents, mainly mothers, were not, by law, guaranteed privacy, anonymity. I guess that’s most likely true, I’d be surprised to see a mother pull out documentation proving otherwise. They also say though that mothers weren’t even verbally made promises of confidentiality, not led to believe they’d never be found, led to believe that their secret would always remain a secret.
Don’t believe it.
As with the Primal Wound Theory not applying in my case, I am here to say that my biological mother did believe I’d never find her, that her secret would never be threatened. That it was up to her to decide who in her life would know about me, about what she did 48 years ago and me finding her was “never supposed to happen”. Yes, she was done a great disservice, a disservice I don’t think should be taken lightly.
I’m not sure what the answer is. I’m not sure any legislation will ever be fair to all parties, but I don’t think it does anyone any good to think it’s just adoption agencies and adoptive parents who don’t want open records.
Maybe if we could all just be honest about adoption and how it means different things to different people there could be some progress made.
Not every mother and father wants to be found, regrets having chosen adoption, dreams of the day they will meet their long lost son or daughter. It’s just not fair to perpetuate that type of myth, not fair to anyone, and most especially not fair to the adoptees who yearn to reunite and think it will make everything all better, just as myths and dishonesty are not helpful in achieving open records.
Even though I truly believe we’re the only ones who can make ourselves feel better, it would be nice to get some help along the way and I think a little honesty and a lot more realism would go very far in doing just that.
Wednesday
It's a privilege and an honour to make yer aquaintance, ma'am
Want to share a link to a really good post. Check out Amanda here
I think she really nailed it, this sense of obligation between parents and adoptees. I agree when she says the adoptee really doesn't owe anyone anything. It would be swell if everyone treated each other with kindness, respect, patience, and generosity but as far as the adoptee having an obligation to any of their parents? Well, I like how Amanda put it.
"Many first parents are fond of reminding us that we don't owe our adoptive parents loyalty..that we should not make the decision not to not reunite to save their feelings. But can't the same be said about natural parents? We shouldn't reunite just to satisfy their feelings. Just as I owe my adoptive parents nothing for adopting me, I owe my first parents nothing for giving me up."
Check out the rest.
I think she really nailed it, this sense of obligation between parents and adoptees. I agree when she says the adoptee really doesn't owe anyone anything. It would be swell if everyone treated each other with kindness, respect, patience, and generosity but as far as the adoptee having an obligation to any of their parents? Well, I like how Amanda put it.
"Many first parents are fond of reminding us that we don't owe our adoptive parents loyalty..that we should not make the decision not to not reunite to save their feelings. But can't the same be said about natural parents? We shouldn't reunite just to satisfy their feelings. Just as I owe my adoptive parents nothing for adopting me, I owe my first parents nothing for giving me up."
Check out the rest.
Friday
What are you?
Out tonight with a bunch of people at a very informal banquet.
The food being served led to me being asked, "what are you?". My darling husband chimes in with "Scottish!" to which I say, no, I'm Irish and...uh, and..I think maybe French. He looks at me with a "huh?" and then a "oh, yeah" and I go on to say yes, Irish for sure and I think French with a definite Scottish, Ukrainian, and Polish influence. And then, nothing. Only a slight glance from one dinner partner and much to my disappointment, not one, "what do you mean influence?".
Such as it is. Sometimes it's kind of like people asking you how you are. It's more like a pleasantry, they really don't care how you are. Just like nobody really cares what we are, what our cultural background is. If we're lucky enough to be something exotic, sure, it can impress the odd dinner partner but for the most part, who really gives a shit?
It would have been far more interesting if anyone I was having dinner with had given enough of a shit to ask me what I meant by influence.
Oh well.
We entertained ourselves instead by talking about people who weren't there.
The food being served led to me being asked, "what are you?". My darling husband chimes in with "Scottish!" to which I say, no, I'm Irish and...uh, and..I think maybe French. He looks at me with a "huh?" and then a "oh, yeah" and I go on to say yes, Irish for sure and I think French with a definite Scottish, Ukrainian, and Polish influence. And then, nothing. Only a slight glance from one dinner partner and much to my disappointment, not one, "what do you mean influence?".
Such as it is. Sometimes it's kind of like people asking you how you are. It's more like a pleasantry, they really don't care how you are. Just like nobody really cares what we are, what our cultural background is. If we're lucky enough to be something exotic, sure, it can impress the odd dinner partner but for the most part, who really gives a shit?
It would have been far more interesting if anyone I was having dinner with had given enough of a shit to ask me what I meant by influence.
Oh well.
We entertained ourselves instead by talking about people who weren't there.
Sunday
One mother's perspective on the right to search
I do not see it as a matter of rights, everyone and no-one have the "right" to search, or rather, both mothers and adoptees search, whether they have that right or not. That is not the question.
Some search, some do not. It is a deeply personal choice, from both sides. To adoptees (that feel nothing tells them more that they were loved than being searched for), mothers searching do not necessarily care more than mothers who wait to be found. Many of us who searched, and especially those like me who searched for young adoptees, did so out of our own needs as much as concern for the child.
I do not see myself as more noble or loving than mothers I know who were found but did not search, just more desperate at an earlier age. My son did not want to be found or to search. He was not pining for me, and it did nothing for him at the time, me showing up when he was too young.
Mothers who surrendered should search if they feel the need, but they should be aware not all adoptees are eager to be found any more than all birth mothers are. There are good reasons to search, and for some, good reasons not to. There is no "right" to search, it is a choice that should be made with clear vision and careful considerations of the pros and cons.
I am glad I found my son. I wish I had waited many more years to make contact. I cannot advise others to do as I have done, as I regret so much of it. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have the relationship with my son that I have now, in spite of all the mistakes.
Some search, some do not. It is a deeply personal choice, from both sides. To adoptees (that feel nothing tells them more that they were loved than being searched for), mothers searching do not necessarily care more than mothers who wait to be found. Many of us who searched, and especially those like me who searched for young adoptees, did so out of our own needs as much as concern for the child.
I do not see myself as more noble or loving than mothers I know who were found but did not search, just more desperate at an earlier age. My son did not want to be found or to search. He was not pining for me, and it did nothing for him at the time, me showing up when he was too young.
Mothers who surrendered should search if they feel the need, but they should be aware not all adoptees are eager to be found any more than all birth mothers are. There are good reasons to search, and for some, good reasons not to. There is no "right" to search, it is a choice that should be made with clear vision and careful considerations of the pros and cons.
I am glad I found my son. I wish I had waited many more years to make contact. I cannot advise others to do as I have done, as I regret so much of it. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have the relationship with my son that I have now, in spite of all the mistakes.
Saturday
I am still coming to grips with it all
In a recent post I talked about bringing up to my bio mom the possibility of her telling her family about me and have since done so through one of our regular emails. In this post I'm going to share an edited portion of my latest reply to her reply to me. I personally find it very interesting and insightful when I get the opportunity to read other people's reunion communication so I share this here with the hope that it may help someone else to see a different perspective and approach. Also, in including her brave and very honest words about how it feels as a woman who relinquished and did expect confidentiality, I am providing proof positive that this scenario does exist even though some first/birth/bio moms try and convince us all they do not.
I believe it's important to acknowledge all points of view, to think about the many ways people feel about adoption.
To deny those who feel differently is to deny our own unique feelings and experience.
My reply....
Morning (bio mom), thank you for this mail. It just feels so honest and real, and I appreciate that. I certainly appreciate your last sentence, "remember I traveled to _______ forty-eight years ago to keep this secret and expected it to remain that way. I am still coming to grips with it all."
It's easy for me to forget how we're both coming from different perspectives, perspectives we can empathize with each other about but never really truly relate or know how the other feels. I like to know how you're feeling and appreciate you telling me. I hope it's of interest to you to know how I feel too, and that it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. I am encouraged to know that you haven't entirely ruled out telling your family and that it's possible given the "right" moment. Like I said in the other mail, I know for sure I'd want to know. Also, if you think about (bio mom's daughter's son) and (my son), they are both only children. I wonder if we have the right to keep secret the fact they have a first cousin in each other. Haha, it would be much more interesting as far as (bio mom's daughter#1) and (bio mom's daughter #2) are concerned if I were a "dude", that they'd have a brother and not another stinkin sister.
I won't badger you about telling your kids. As you know, I respect the position you are in in all this, and it's really your best interests and well being that are most important to me. I don't want to cause you extra stress or to worry.
You know what I think about it all so there's no need for me to bring it up again. Thank you for discussing it and if there's anything I can ever say or do to help you in coming to grips with it all, I hope you'll let me know.
Thursday
Substitute
Ok, there's something I have to do here on my blog. I've done it once before when a comment of mine was censored on another blog . In this instance I initially resisted commenting after reading an adoptive parent's comment(s) but ended up feeling the need to have my say when she returned to collect her accolades. My say was not accepted.
I imagine much of what I normally say appears to be in support of adoption and/or adoptive parents so when I say something strong in reaction to commentary by an adoptive parent it's surprising that it would be unpublishable by a first mother forum. Unless of course I utter the words anti-adoption-radicals and what I have to say is contrary to the reaction of said anti-adoption-radicals.
The following is my unpublished comment.
Oh Courtney, I just hope that your kids feel the same way as you when they get older. That watching you suck up to anti-adoption radicals makes them feel proud and that they'll understand "Adoptive
parents--no matter how hard they love or how much they try--will NEVER be a substitute for first parents. There is no "but if" to this matter. It is not the same."
Course it's not the same, but it can be as good or better and you won't be accomplishing that by treating them as if they aren't real, are less than your biological child.
I would be very, very hurt if I'd ever heard my parents say what Courtney said. My parents, adoptive, are my first and only parents. My biological parents are just exactly that, the people that conceived me with my mother giving birth to me. They all have their importance, their value, their influence, but my parents are my parents, end of story. As much as I'm enjoying getting to know my bio mom now, she will never be a substitute for my first parents. How could she be.
I imagine much of what I normally say appears to be in support of adoption and/or adoptive parents so when I say something strong in reaction to commentary by an adoptive parent it's surprising that it would be unpublishable by a first mother forum. Unless of course I utter the words anti-adoption-radicals and what I have to say is contrary to the reaction of said anti-adoption-radicals.
The following is my unpublished comment.
Oh Courtney, I just hope that your kids feel the same way as you when they get older. That watching you suck up to anti-adoption radicals makes them feel proud and that they'll understand "Adoptive
parents--no matter how hard they love or how much they try--will NEVER be a substitute for first parents. There is no "but if" to this matter. It is not the same."
Course it's not the same, but it can be as good or better and you won't be accomplishing that by treating them as if they aren't real, are less than your biological child.
I would be very, very hurt if I'd ever heard my parents say what Courtney said. My parents, adoptive, are my first and only parents. My biological parents are just exactly that, the people that conceived me with my mother giving birth to me. They all have their importance, their value, their influence, but my parents are my parents, end of story. As much as I'm enjoying getting to know my bio mom now, she will never be a substitute for my first parents. How could she be.
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