Q & A

 So, I am wondering could kids that were raised with Mother's that placed a child for adoption grow up resenting them and thinking that they had the better life?  This is what birthmothertalks asks here

It's an interesting thought.

As I said over there, I could see a young child being jealous of material things, in fact I think it's pretty normal.

Kids are notorious for saying, "but so-and-so has one" and "so-and-so's parents give them money for passing" and, in their lack of maturity when it comes to what's really important in life, can even wish they lived at so-and so's house. Of course when it comes down to it, they don't usually really mean it. I guess they might if the parents suck but that's something you certainly don't have to worry about!

This post really made me think about the reality of finance between the two families in adoption. I guess when we're adopted would have much to do with it. The amount of money my parents had to cough up in my sister's and my adoptions way back when was minimal. We were never rich growing up. Coupons were cut, no designer jeans, second hand hockey equipment, mandatory babysitting jobs, etc. so not impoverished but the purse strings were tight.

With the amount of money that seems to change hands nowadays in adoption, I would think the average person wouldn't necessarily be rolling in the bucks after, possibly even living beyond their means.

I think the only way kept children might be truly jealous of adopted kids might be for their newness, the novelty of them so to speak. Jealous of sharing their own parent(s) time and attention with the "new kid". Hey, in tact families have sibling rivalry right?

Picture this long lost child that mom and/or dad has been waiting their whole life to reunite with, a child who's never lied, stolen, skipped school, said I hate you.

I say, jealous of material things when they're little, possible. Jealous of parent's affection when they're older or grown, also possible.

And if your bio dad happens to be Rod Stewart...look out!

$#*! my mom says

This post isn't about adoption but more about being confident in the role we play in our kid's lives. Parents can have their confidence shaken in all sorts of scenarios. They can feel threatened by teachers, ex spouses, step parents, babysitters, aunts, uncles, in-laws you name it, anyone who their kids seem to connect with. I've even seen parents be jealous of the other parent, with the family in tact. The example I'm using is adoption related because, well, I'm adopted and it has a tendency to come up, especially with the meeting of my bio mom looming large.

So, my mom asks me when my bio mom is coming, where she's staying etc. When answering I mention it's weird to call bio mom a name, that I've always thought of her as "my biological mother", that I'm trying to get used to saying her name. Well my mom, sigh, has to go and respond by saying, "well, call her whatever you want, just don't call her mom". Silence. Eventually I say, "mom, don't say that to me, don't tell me not to call her mom, if I wanted to, I would. If I did, it wouldn't have anything to do with you or your role as a mom". To which she replied, "well, I didn't even like it when your brother called his mother-in-law mom". So I point out how ridiculous that is. How I wouldn't give a rat's ass if my son called someone other than me mom.

I know what I am to my son, that what I've been and continue to be is unique to me. That I can't be replaced just as I can't replace the other people he has relationships with. I want him to have great relationships with other people. When his dad has a girlfriend, I want my son to like her, her to like him. I want him to have a close relationship with his future mother-in-law.

It's funny, it occurs to me that my parents called each others parents "mom and dad". Talk about hypocritical.

I think if we want our kids to value us and our role in their lives, we have to value and have confidence in it too.