For the record

Thought I'd take the opportunity to set a few things straight. See, it's my blog, I can do that. I have no clue who reads here and I don't really care anymore. I am who and what I am and have nothing to be ashamed of. Something I do care about is my integrity. I try very hard to live my life honestly and be as kind, good and forgiving as I can without being a doormat. I strive to be a very honest person and am upfront by nature. To be accused of being some loser internet poser is something I don't take lightly. Having said that....

I am not my husband.
I am female.
I am adopted.

I am not anti-adoption.
I do not believe adoption should be for profit.
I am pro-choice.
I do not follow any organized religion and do not believe people's spiritual or religious beliefs should be imposed on others.
I don't believe the Lord's Prayer should be said in public schools.
I do not believe gods heal some people because some other chosen people prayed, "take" young fathers because they must have needed more hockey players in heaven, or arrange for unable, unwilling or unfit people to become pregnant so others may have a child. Nor do I believe gods make anyone unable to have children so that they will be available to raise other people's.
I do not believe in the death penalty.
I do not believe creating a child or giving birth to that child makes a person worthy of the gift a child is or qualified, excited, or suited to raise them.
I don't wish I'd been aborted instead of adopted. I believe others have the right to wish they were and I believe I have the right to wish their life was such that they didn't wish they'd been aborted.
I believe people who want and can't have original birth certificates should have the right to them.
I believe care should be taken when searching for biological family members and consideration given to the innocent people involved who may be affected.
I believe adoptive parents should understand and support their children if they decide to search for their biological parents.
I do not believe any child should grow up in a home where his or her existence is resented, no matter by whom.
I believe parents have the right to resent having to raise their children's children.
I believe parents should put their children before themselves until they're grown and on their own. I think all children should be grown and on their own by 27. Ok, 28. Maybe 30 if they're becoming a brain surgeon or a rock star.
I believe every single situation involving adoption is unique.
I believe people who do not want children shouldn't have them.
I believe people who don't want children and decide to not have them should be judged or pestered by others. They should be commended!
I do not believe being in an open adoption situation with your child is as bad as having your child die.
I believe there is coercion in adoption.
I believe there is corruption in adoption.
I believe everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion and believe that opinions can be wrong.
I believe fathers matter.

I wish I had an occupation I felt passionate about. 
I wish my biological mother would contact me back.
I wish no child had to spend it's first years in daycare.
I wish I could do something to change the way some kids are being, or not being, parented.
I wish I wasn't so lazy.

I hate child abuse, verbal as much as physical.
I hate racism, ageism, sexism (either way), elitism.
I hate closed mindedness.
I hate spanking.
I hate bullying.
I hate hypocrisy.
I hate fighting and violence.
I hate deliberate deception and cheating almost as much as I hate being falsely accused of it.
I really hate parsnips.

I love playing baseball and curling, riding horses, playing games, family get togethers and traveling.
I suck at math, history, making gravy, paying bills on time, bowling, mailing gifts, anything crafty or sewing related, and just generally making myself do things I don't want to do. I'm also a geographical idiot.

I do not feel abandoned or rejected because I am adopted and feel very badly that there are some who do.
I feel lucky I wasn't adopted by a crap family and can completely understand why a person would be pissed off that was. I can pretty much imagine I'd feel exactly the same.
I feel very badly for bio/first/natural/birth/original parents who are suffering. I can't even imagine.
I have an addictive personality but am capable of will power, especially when it comes to food.
I rarely argue about something I am unsure of. I hate being wrong too much. If I'm wrong, I will admit it, and apologize. I'll still hate the fact I was wrong and stupid enough to argue.
Family is very important to me and believe wholeheartedly that being blood related isn't the most important thing. Tolerance, thoughtfulness, acceptance, patience and putting aside one's ego are much more important.
I'm a much better loser than winner. I've had more practise with the latter.
I thought I'd heard of Ted Haggard but had to google the name to be sure. Wtf?
I know when I'm good at something and when I'm not. I sing anyway.

The thing I have tried hardest at, done better at than anything else, put the most thought into and enjoyed the most in my life is being a mom.

Any more questions?

Edited for Fifi. I'm fine with lesbians : )


  1. If there are some women who equated open adoption with losing a child to death it was an irrelevant comparison. It's like equating losing a child to death and being sold as a sex slave in your youth.

    Two totally different forms of excruciating suffering.

    It was irresponsible of whoever made that comparison as it makes the description of how horrific open adoption can be seem less valid since the focus then becomes disproving a callous comparison that simply doesn't apply, as forms of different kinds of suffering don't really need to be compared anyway.

    Open adoption is excruciating. It peeves me to the core that people believe open adoption reduces the suffering. My mother is a biological parent of a closed adoption. I have an open adoption.

    WE ARE BOTH IN THE SAME HELL. Same pain. Same excruciating suffering. Any comparison I would attempt to give would wind up bringing up gory wounds that never heal. So again back the comparing which doesn't work anyway.

    Basically, no one understands it. I was an adoptee for 17 years of my life and imagined her pain many many nights and times in my life. More than many adoptees I knew. I cried for her. I imagined that it was so painful.

    And then I lived it.

    There is truly no way to describe in words. No way.

  2. Wow. What you've said is so striking to me and I have no words for what you're going through. I'm so sorry that it's that way for you, and for your mom. What you wrote took my breath away.

    The exchange I was involved in that included discussing losing a child to death being easier than being a mom in an open adoption was about more than just that but yes, I was told that "death is psychologically easier for the mind of the mother". Obviously I am reporting this out of context, there was far more to the discussion. I look at this point of view as one who's not lost a child to death or adoption but as the daughter of a woman who lost her child to death, so, I admit my inability to fathom such a statement comes from a place of emotion and not experience. I think, and it's just think, that I would rather see my child (I am a parent) alive and well living with someone other than me as opposed to never seeing him again. But, as I said, I've not actually had to make that choice.

    I do understand what you mean when you say comparing the two diminishes the pain a mother can feel in adoption. People will immediately see it as callous, as I did.

    Thank you for commenting.

  3. Campbell, that statement about comparing the excruciating pain of open adoption to having your child die, or as worse than that, was said I believe because with death there is closure, so the pain gradually diminishes with time. With adoption, as there is no closure, the pain in many cases stays just the same or gets worse -- in 50% of all cases it does not diminish.

    Think about when a close loved one of your dies, and the shock has worn off by the grief has hit you strongly and you feel like you want to die to escape the pain -- that is the pain of losing a child to adoption, and the pain goes on day after day, year after year, and doesn't go away. That has been my own experience and many many mothers I have talked have told me they also share it.

    In 1990, Blanton and Deschner published a study comparing bereaved mothers with mothers in open adoption and mothers in closed adoption This is what they state: "In summary, results shown in table 3 demonstrate that mothers relinquishing a child for adoption tend toward more grief symptoms than bereaved parents, especially if the method of adoption used was open adoption" and "The open adoption group, on one hand, registered significantly stronger symptoms than the bereaved normative group on eight of the 15 bereavement subscales: Social Isolation; Somaticizing; Sleep Disturbance; Appetite; Vigor; Physical Symptoms; Optimism vs. Despair; and Dependency" and "Indications were strong that biological mothers who know more about the later life of the child they relinquished have a harder time making an adjustment than do mothers whose tie to the child is broken off completely by means of death."

    Sure it is only one study, but it is a relevant result. Please do not tell a mother that her pain doesn't count or "is not as bad" as another situation. Only the person experiencing the pain can decide that.

  4. Campbell - I like your statements. Very definitive. It also answered things I asked on another blog (to you).

    @ SustainableFamilies: Since my husband died I have heard a lot of things about how it will fade in time, on and on and on. The comparisons of the loss of my spouse to another's loss of whatever individual often make me want to scream. The loss is one that is totally my own.

    There is no comparison in pain. Each is the same and each is unique.

    Just as there is no comparison in adoption - all of them are the same and all are equally unique.

    @ Campbell, You are an interesting, well-balanced, intelligent woman who seems to know her own mind. Rare in a world of wishy washy, non-thinking humans. I respect that.

    By the way, I love rutabagas and hate parsnips!

  5. Lori, I both smile and panic when I see you've commented ; )

    From the beginning you've both challenged me and made me laugh. Thank you for the kind words, they're much appreciated.

  6. @cedar...

    I have never, would never tell a mother or anyone else their pain doesn't count. I am of the firm belief that all feelings are relevant and real to that person.

    However, it is surprising to me that you, having been reunited with your son, would be unable to see where I'm coming from on this.

    With separation there is hope, with death, there is none.

  7. Cedar wrote ". . . because with death there is closure, so the pain gradually diminishes with time. With adoption, as there is no closure, the pain in many cases stays just the same or gets worse -- in 50% of all cases it does not diminish."
    So, if you had a choice, which would you prefer? Having your child die or losing that child to adoption?
    And (I'm not disputing it, just curious) where did you get that 50% figure?
    Citations and links please.

    Campbell said, "With separation there is hope, with death, there is none."
    Indeed. Hope springs eternal.

    Lori said, "There is no comparison in pain. Each is the same and each is unique."
    ITA. Comparisons are invidious. Also, as you say, with loss to adoption.

    BTW, I love rutabagas, parsnips, turnips and all rooty nips.

  8. There's no closure in death either. It gets more manageable but it never goes away and is triggered by anniversaries, similar events, milestones that should have occurred, etc. Closure is a myth.

  9. Campbell,
    Whe someone accuses you of not being who you say you are it is their way of invalidating you and your feelings. This is usually the same person screaming for validation.

    I think it's adoptees such as you that will make the most difference for all future adoptees. Thank you for being honest and real.

  10. Campbell, your list was so much more interesting than the usual hundred-things-about-me thing. Cool.

  11. Cedar said, "Please do not tell a mother that her pain doesn't count or "is not as bad" as another situation."

    It wasn't Campbell who made the original comparison.
    It was whoever told her that "death is psychologically easier for the mind of the mother".

    Perhaps that is true for some, especially if their surrendered children were unfortunate enough to have spent their lives in severe physical and/or emotional pain.

    But it is offensive to imply that all mothers who have surrendered feel the same way

  12. Campbell: a couple of things that I have noted are that a lot of the older mothers are afraid and they often keep far too many secrets. Afraid you will be dissapointed with having an old lady as a mother. Afraid of the repercussions within their own family group (not that you are not really part of it anyway) for a lot of reasons (even if they have never hidden their big secret).

    I guess I can see where it could be a pain. My daughter can get no information on her father, except from me - I offered, even blogged about him, but left it alone.

    All of these and probably a thousand more things spring to mind. First, you're about my age - so your mother is not a young woman. I know that my mother keeps a closed mouth about a lot of things. Regrets, as my parents (oddly the same since they divorced), would say, are best kept to yourself.

    Also, many of the older mothers, depending on lifestyle and genetics, are under the care of another, or live with another. Sometimes that makes it impossible to reach them. Especially in cases where the caregiver is someone that does not know anything about you.

    One question - have you tried some kind of intermediary? Sometimes a third party can get a lot farther than either of the others.

  13. Campbell, someone once told me that your greatest friend is the one that makes you cringe with anticipation of confrontation and yet take great joy in this interaction. For the real friend will not kiss your behind and tell you that you look great when your dress is stuck in your pantyhose and your lipstick is on your teeth. I think it was my dad! LOL!

    I am glad that I get a response. You are one of those that keep me honest. There are very few.

  14. This is such an amazing post. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with the rest of us in the blogosphere.

    Best and peace.

    P.S. I love parsnips, especially when mashed with potatoes.

  15. Campbell, I loved this post! I am SOOO fortunate in that I have never lost a child to death or adoption. I know how lucky I am. I agree it is not constructive to compare grief. Each experience is different. As an oncology nurse I have seen unimaginable grief (parents watching a child die from cancer) and think NOTHING could be worse than that, but who am I to say?
    I also think closure is a myth. We (nursing staff) followed up with families after their loved ones died with phone calls, etc and while it is true, their lives went on, in many cases, "closure" did not happen. The grief was still very raw years later. So I think to say you get closure with death is just wrong in many cases.

    Anyway, I know you have taken some crap online (I read a lot blogs and sites) and I commend you for standing up for yourself. You know yourself and believe in what you say.

    Can you believe I have never had a parsnip?? Somehow, I don't feel like I'm missing out!

  16. Kris, all I can say is ....

    DON'T DO IT!

  17. Campbell, I loved your list and agree with you on just about everything. I am ok with parsnips in stew, but loathe liver in any form or disguise:-)

    It makes my skin crawl when some people say loss to adoption, open or closed, is worse than loss to death. It is its own painful thing, but as was already said, where there is life there is hope, but where there is death, hope is gone, but pain is not. Comparing adoption to some other dire thing..."adoption is worse than.....death, The Holocaust, slavery, fill in the blank..." trivializes both kinds of loss and pain and often as noted leads to arguments rather than deeper understanding of the original subject, adoption loss and grief.

    I agree with O Solo, the "closure" with death idea is an over-sold myth, as are the neat and proper "stages of grief". We all grieve in our own way for various kinds of losses, and sometimes how we feel and deal does not fit a pre-scripted program.

    I feel it is insulting to the living adoptee in reunion to say that adoption loss is like a death, or worse than a death. At this point I have had quiet enough of grief. My surrendered son's birthday is next week and I now find that something to celebrate, just like my other kids' birthdays, not something to mourn. I am so glad he is alive, in the world, happy, and communicates with me. That is life, not death, and there is a world of difference.

  18. Lori, I feel quite confident she's afraid. Because we had one exchange of non identifying letters I know she's told nobody but her deceased husband. This is also how I know her attitude (we are both very pragmatic it would seem) regarding her and my circumstance.

    I am a pretty good sleuth, at the very least dogged, and with the help of an adoption search helper/intermediary I know quite a bit about her, and her family. I'm pretty sure I've even seen pics.

    Her lack of response to my recent letter(s)is pretty solid proof she's afraid as she did tell the gov agency, after we'd exchanged our initial non ID letters, she'd like further correspondence anonymously via email but they would only facilitate that if she agreed to sign away something...what the exact term is I don't recall. She refused.

    So..even though I assured them I was fine with communicating that way, they said it wasn't fair to me(WTH?!?!)and denied the exchange of emails. I know, SO annoying and insulting.

    Now, I guess my knowing her contact info has freaked her out. I can't imagine what it would be like walking around worried all the time that I may do something, shall we say, unwelcome.

    For now, I'm waiting patiently. My adoption guy said he'd call if I wanted, I could call if I wanted, I could write again but I just don't know what to do yet. Who knows, maybe I won't have to do anything, right?

    I can't stress how much concern I have for her and her state of mind. See, I'm ok. I have nothing hanging over my head, you know what I mean?

  19. Maryanne, I'm very touched by this, "My surrendered son's birthday is next week and I now find that something to celebrate, just like my other kids' birthdays, not something to mourn. I am so glad he is alive, in the world, happy, and communicates with me."

    This is exactly the way my kind of adoptee brain would want my mom to feel. I think your other kids must like it too.

    It's kind of like saying it's ok to be alive and happy, and that you're ok now too.

    Thank you.

  20. Campbell, there are so many things that go through the head during reunion. I don't remember how long ago you said you wrote, but there is always hope.

    One thing to remember, mothers are more afraid than our children. We not only have to fear how our families are feeling, reacting, behaving, but we are also inundated with the negative reunion stories by people that we probably should not be talking to. And of course there is the "what if he/she hates me" that is terrifying in the nth degree.

    I know, and this will sound about as insecure as you can get, that I went back to college so that I could impress my daughter with my intelligence - since poverty has always been lurking in the background I figured that I would have the smarts to cover it up. It was my fear that she would hate what she found because I believed the line that she was adopted by well educated professionals. Huge amounts of insecurity.

    So, hope springs eternal, do not give up, but do not be horrible either. A simple card every once in a while can create miracles (no religious stuff - I know that sounds weird but I would have gone off the deep end if my daughter had brought religion into it at all). Something from the heart and not too pushy. you might be amazed at the results - but gently, gently.

    Maryanne, I too can celebrate my daughter's birthday instead of her loss date. It is amazing how much that means to most of us moms. I celebrate every single day that I know I did the right thing in looking for her and finding her. Even if it was very rocky for a long time. I stuck it out. She is and always was my the child of heart.

  21. That's exactly what I think Lori, that she's got way more at stake than I do and has no real information about me, as far as I know, whereas I know quite a bit about her and doubt I have anything to fear.

    No worries about the religious stuff here. That won't be happening, although I know she is or was at some point. I'm just not.

    Maybe I should send her a copy of this post. That'd let her know a bit about me, eh?

  22. Interesting list! I found myself agreeing with a lot of it! Great post Cambell- and shame on anyone who treats you wrong!

    The comments are also very interesting!

    Once again I want to extend my apologies regarding your birthmom. It must be hard, on both your ends. I hope one day she can get past whatever she is afraid of and take a chance on you. I doubt she'd be disappointed. It's so sad that fear can keep us apart long than is necessary, you know? I know my birthmother is so afraid of being judged. Her life has been far from perfect. Shes a convict, an addict..but you know what? She's more than that to me. Before she was any of those things, and despite them, she is my mother- at least on some level. And if I could tell her anything it would be that I understand, that I'm not angry , that one day I hope she finds the peace she needs. I hope you have that opportunity too.

    OH and I WAS looking for advice on my blog :) :)! Thankyou so much for giving it!!!! I always look forward to your posts, and thankyou for reading mine :p You're a good friend!

  23. The comments are interesting Amanda, I agree!

    You haven't been able to tell her that Amanda? See, I did get to in my first letter. It was really one of the things that gave me the most peace of mind. Telling her that I understand, I'm ok, and that I'm not angry.

    Good luck with your decision. : ) I look forward to reading about it.

  24. Campbell, have you considered just writing a "history" for her? or something to that effect? I would not, and please don't take this wrong, bring up your relationship with your a-parents. Whether or not we like to admit it, most of us don't know what we feel about the people that raise our children.

    For me, at first I was thinking that it was wonderful - then I started to learn things. It wasn't wonderful. But I tried to be the good little birth mommy and did the right stuff - you know the respectful call, the whole schmeer. What a schmuck I was. Now I would happily help her into the after life at times. But it would clash with my normal passifistic (sp?) behaviors and leaving me feeling like a horror that needed to be locked away forever.

    Seriously, think about it. Sometimes it helps if the exchange is a little more give a little more. Again, gently.

  25. Campbell, just a thought but - well - why don't you just send her a small note with your email address in it. After all, she was willing to continue communication through email - and frankly agencies are a pain in the ass, wanting her to give up her identifying info or a release of information or something she was not ready for....

    It is worth a shot. Just a post card with a hello (nice pictures draw the eye and encourage reading of the messages) and your email. That eliminates the interference by jerks in agencies that have too much power and not enough brains.

  26. Lori... your advice and the concern you're showing mean a lot. You seem to take care in your wording of it and I appreciate that.

    What you've advised is kind of what I've been doing actually. The last letter I gave her everything. Name, address, phone, cell, email, underwear size...k, not that, but everything else. She seems like a normal person and I decided I want her to have the ability to contact me. I told she could call when it was good for her, when she has some privacy, because "everyone at my phone number knows I'm looking forward to hearing from her."

    I've just recently sponsored her online in an event so we'll see if that has any impact.

    I am very careful in how I present myself in letters in case someone else reads her mail. Just can't give up too much info, or why I want contact. There's no need really anyway, she knows.

    Here's one for you though. I know she has a daughter who had a son young. A scenario that plays out in my head is that she was very influential while dealing with her daughter's pregnancy. My appearance could very well paint her in a very hypocritical light. I can see the grown grandson is the apple of all their eye, as he should be, but I imagine it's a very scary prospect thinking about what she may have said back then, what she may have advised her daughter to do.

    What if she was adamantly against adoption? What if she was adamantly for adoption?

    Either way, in her mind or in fact, my existence could alter her and her family's reality forever. Since I don't want to be a part of that, my goal is to have her trust that all I want is to know HER a bit, and a few details. I understand and am ok with her never telling any of them about me. She's a good person from what I can tell and I don't want to hurt her or her family.

    Damn, I'm long winded!

  27. Campbell, I think you would be surprised exactly what changes some people. However, you have a good head on your shoulders. I know, if she is like you, she is whirling about in her head trying to make it all work for everyone and still dealing with the practical side. (See, I do pay attention).

    Seriously, sounds like you are doing great. Just hang in there.

  28. Just a thought here, because Lori and others know way more about this than I do. Could you just have a relationship with her for the present time? Why does it have to involve the rest of the family? She must have some adult independent life that would let her connect with you . . . then move from there?

  29. Ahh, exactly what I would want O Solo Mama, and what I'm trying to accomplish. Trouble I guess is that she doesn't know that's all I would like and this is where the problem is. I have to find a way to communicate this to her privately and for now my not doing anything drastic (like showing up at her door) will hopefully give her the message. If not, I'll likely have my search guy call her and tell her. She does not live alone and I know in my house, it's very common to ask, "who was that on the phone?" or "who's that letter from?". I imagine it's hard to come up with an on the spot story when the daughter you gave up for adoption calls you after 47 years. I hesitate to send a letter explaining all of this in case someone else reads it.

  30. "I do not believe adoption should be for profit."

    Adoption, to some extent, is all about profit.

  31. Hi Campbell,
    As I was re-reading your post, I remembered I wanted to comment on one other part:

    "I do not believe adoption should be for profit."

    I have to say I agree -- but I do think it is acceptable for the agencies and lawyers to charge REASONABLE fees for their services. As Mei Ling noted "Adoption, to some extent, is all about profit." She's right because SOME agencies are for-profit, and I think all (adoption) lawyers are for-profit. While this doesn't mean agencies can't make any profit it does mean they are limited in how much profit they can make and how they can use that profit. This is a good thing. I do feel their should be some amount of oversight of agencies and lawyers when it comes to children.
    I also think that ANY organization that promotes themselves as a non-profit should have a cap on how much their executives can make as well. To me anyone that is making more than $250,000 a year + bonuses to help out the needy and less fortunate is a hypocrite.

  32. "Nonprofit" agencies, like other nonprofits, can't be monitored, and frankly with many it is actually a "cover up" for the fact that the ONLY difference is that profits are paid to directors and staff in the way of salaries, wages, and bonuses, rather than paid as dividends to shareholders (i.e. "for-profit" companies).

    I believe that ALL adoptions should be under the auspices of government, with NO fees changing hands. That is the ONLY way to remove the profit-motive from adoption. If a worker's wage depends on a certain number of adoptions happening per year, then that worker has a huge motivation to ensure that mothers surrender. All agencies have this motivation.

    An adoption worker I corresponded with in South Australia, working for gov't as they all do down there, gets paid the same rate whether or not the surrender takes place. Hence, no financial motive to get the mother to surrender.

    That is the only way to remove adoption from being another form of child trafficking. Limiting wages and profits and salaries of agency workers won't do it -- the money just gets paid in other forms (e.g. company trips to Las Vegas -- one true example)

  33. Campbell,

    I just want to say thank you, specifically for this: "I don't wish I'd been aborted instead of adopted. I believe others have the right to wish they were and I believe I have the right to wish their life was such that they didn't wish they'd been aborted."

    I found this blog this morning while doing research into opening my sealed adoption records to try and get enough info to get me emrolled in my proper Indian tribe. Because of my adoption, I'm being prevented from enrolling, and prevented from finding out more about my birth family's medical history. I don't have a heritage I can be a part of, I don't have a family, I have no history...

    Anyway, I was adopted into a very violently abusive, neglectful family, and felt sooo guilty about wishing I'd been aborted. Up until three days ago, I thought my birth mother made a loving decision, giving me up. Then I found out I had 3 uncles and 1 aunt over thirty, none with children, and I kept thinking, "Then why the hell couldn't someone have kept me?"

    I know I'm not making much sense, mostly because writing this is really upsetting, but I just wanted to thank you for being the only person I've ever seen say anything other than the standard, "Be grateful you were adopted" bullcrap, when in my case, adoption has been the worst, most devastatingly painful thing in my life. It's exhausting to pretend that adoption is a cure-all. It's just really nice to see someone take a detailed look at the different effects adoption can have.

    So, thanks for writing this blog, you're very thoughtful. And I appreciate not having to read yet another "adoption is so wonderful" gushing, mindless, thoughtless crap piece. It makes me feel a whole lot better, and much less alone.

  34. Hi Lindsay, thanks so much for the comment.

    It's interesting that you say the following because it's definitely not how other adopted people have seen my words.

    "And I appreciate not having to read yet another "adoption is so wonderful" gushing, mindless, thoughtless crap piece. It makes me feel a whole lot better, and much less alone."

    I guess the reason for that is because I am ok with having been adopted, in a way thankful as my adoptive family ended being a good one. I got lucky, so to speak.

    I don't think you should feel guilty at all for wishing you'd been aborted instead of being adopted into an abusive family. I'm sorry it was that way for you, and wish it wasn't!! Much more care needs to be taken in placing kids who don't have family.

    You also need to know you're not alone, there are other adopted people who have the same struggles that you do and have blogs that go over in great detail about the different effects adoption can have.

    I don't know a great deal (actually anything) about tribes and adoptees being denied enrollment. That seems completely unfair based on being adopted and kind of surprising to me given that here in Canada it seems that the First Nations peoples are very concerned about their culture and protecting their heritage.

    I thought the same way about my biological mom's decision to give me up and am lucky to have not found out anything to make me think differently. I know my mother had siblings, whether they were in a position to have looked after me or not I don't know but it doesn't matter as she's never told any of her family about me. Personally, I'm fine with that and actually understand why, given the way things were in the 1960's and the circumstances in which she found herself pregnant. Doesn't mean my way of thinking is right, it's just my way.

    Everything you wrote makes sense, and I'd like to share a blog with you I've just discovered recently myself. It's the blog of a man who (by his description off his blog) is a biracial adoptee and also an adoptive parent of children of colour. He's very passionate and writes really well.

    I do know of some other blogs that examine adoption from the perspective that it's not a "cure-all" and are by adopted people. The following are two I know of and you'll be able to find plenty more from there.

    In my opinion, every adoption is unique which makes every perspective unique and I'm glad you were able to get something out of my blog.

    I hope you're going to be okay. I'll be thinking about you and hoping you're able to someday get some peace regarding all of this.

  35. You have a good sense of humor and your writing holds my attention.

  36. Thank you Campbell. I am a great fan of your wisdom, wit and philosophy.
    You have a sense of authenticity that I find refreshing.

  37. Thank you Carolc, it's kind of you to take the time to say that.

  38. You're Awesome Campbell :)

    XOX {{{HUGS}}}

  39. I love this :-)

    For me, I don't have to say "I wish I would have been aborted instead of adopted." Abortion is a stereotype of adoption. My mother never considered abortion. For her, it was parenting vs. adoption. Do I wish I would have been parented by her instead? I don't wish anything. It is what it is.

    A scenario I use to explain: I have a cousin my age, raised within my Natural Family. If you ask her if she wished she had been adopted out to my parents, she would tell you no. If you ask me if I regret being raised by my parents and not within my First Family, I would tell you no. Is it because either family was horrible and one life is better than the other? No. It's because her life is all she has ever known and the life I've lived is all I've ever known. What I know is what I am comfortable with; thinking of the unknown makes us uncomfortable. My life turned out fine adopted and if I had been kept, I'm pretty sure it would have turned out just fine too. I have two fine brothers raised by my First Mom that can attest to that.

    A lot of adoptees tell people "I wish I'd rather been aborted" because they get sick of being asked "aren't you grateful you weren't aborted??" in response to any pain they express or displeasure they have with adoption in-general. After you've had that stereotype thrown in your face for the millionth time (and growing up in a uber-Christian community, I got to hear it more times than I can count), you start coming up with retorts that hopefully will discourage people from asking again lol.

  40. Amanda, the abortion part came up because I was chastised by other adopted people for being freaked out by someone saying they'd rather have been aborted. It could very well be as you say, it's a response to send a message, but I defend my right to wish they didn't feel the need to say that lol

  41. I am probably going to get some grief with this but i have to put it out there.
    I think abortion can be a blessing. Hypothetically I may have had one and that may have led to my life being easier to live and that of my parents who may have had to raise any child I had due to my mental illness.

    I do not think it is fair for grandparents having to raise grandchildren. My grandparents had to raise two of my cousins and my parents are now raising my brothers children. I am glad all the people exist but sometimes abortion is as good a solution as any.

    Do not know where I am going with this I just wanted to put it out there.

    It is ridiculous to wish to have been aborted after living...I do not know where that comes from. I would rather be aborted then birthed. Hmmm, someone needs a hug. I do not believe anyone has the right to a lifelong pity party. Had an with it. You grew up in an abusive home....overcome it. Everyone has a sob story, a secret closet, or scarlet letter yet not everyone lives their life in a state of 'Why Me?'

    Okay now I am just rambling.I enjoyed reading all the stuff you wrote and am enjoying your blog.

  42. Hey In the Pink, thanks for weighing in.

    I had a quick peek at your blog but will get over and read around more real soon : )

  43. hmmmm how do you feel about lesbians? lol.

    you sound like someone i could like. and i look forward to reading your whole blog

  44. Hi Fifi : )

    Thanks for stopping by. I edited the post to answer you. Cheers!

  45. Reading your post I felt like it was something I would say about myself. I think we would get along very well.

  46. MIC, welcome, thanks for saying hi : )


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