Don't forget to remember

I watch some weird tv. The names of shows I watch will be withheld to protect the innocent, namely me. It's funny how there is stigma attached to what a person watches on television, how we tend to look down on each other for what our tastes in entertainment are. I'm as guilty as the next person although I certainly don't have any right to be considering some of the trash I watch. See? I'm judging myself!

Yesterday I was half watching a program discussing kids being mean and part way through my son and his fiancé arrived and sat down with me. I explained what the show was about and added my two cents on an aspect I thought was being missed in talking to the children who thought it was cool to be mean and it's why they were popular. It was my thought someone should be telling this kid that the other kids aren't friends with her because they like her, they're friends with her because they're afraid not to be.

The show fell by the wayside as my son and I began to talk about kids and parenting. We talked about how his desire to be friends with the class asshole(s) was thankfully short lived, that I'd taught him he need never be so pathetic as to need "friends" so badly that he'd put up with anything just to hang with the cool kids. Of course this is much easier when you have a home where you're loved and feel safe, a place to forget for a few hours the evil deeds of school peers. Yes, he did suffer through this age of constant contact with social media but I was savvy and aware and monitored his online behavior as well as that of his "friends".

As we talked, a child of six years was discussed on the now ignored program, a gorgeous little kid who doesn't listen at all to her mom. Time outs, spankings, yelling etc. be damned, this kid was having none of any of it. As we semi watch, my son (half)jokingly asks his fiancé and myself if it would be so wrong to just tie a kid like that to a chair to which we responded with a resounding YES it would be wrong, which led to talking about what I did with my son when he was little.

I was never a mom who went to someone's house and asked them to childproof their home. It was my job to watch my son, to tell him "no" and remove him from whatever had caught his eye. I remember being at my mother-in-law's and feeling exasperated, feeling like I'd be doing this for the rest of my life. I'll never forget her supporting me and encouraging me to stick with it, that it would pay off eventually, and it did.

I asked my son if he remembered my taking his doorknob out of his bedroom door. He didn't remember and asked how that wasn't like tying a kid to a chair. I explained that it was a consequence he knew would happen if he came out of his room for the seventh time and that there was a big difference between free reign of a bedroom and physical restraint. I've never believed in forced sleep because I remember how I hated that as a kid, laying in bed wide awake for hours. I did have 'bedtimes' for my son but what that meant was him in his room with a book or listening to a bedtime tape with the only expectation being that he stay in his room and sleep when he was actually ready to. When he was very small but first in a real bed, he, like most kids, would continue to come out for this reason or that. I would get the first glass of water, chase away two or three boogeymen, enjoy two or three more hugs and kisses and then I'd lay down the law. "This is the last time you are allowed to come out dear. If you come out one more time, I will take the doorknob so you can't." Of course he had to test it, it happened, and that was it. Consequence laid out, enforced, and as a result, believed. It was up to him to make the decision about whether or not his doorknob was intact or not.

The three of us talked a bit more about parenting strategies, things we thought were cool and things we thought were not so cool. My son talked about how now when he looks at the things kids struggle with it seems like they should just should know better than to succumb to peer pressure or push matters until their doorknobs are removed, and because of that maybe his fiancé should do all the parenting of any kids they may have in the future.

Hell no, we both said, kids need both their patents to be in on the action. Hey, I asked my son, have you forgotten to remember what it feels like to be a kid? I've always taught you how important that is. That although kids' problems may seem trivial or silly to adults, they are very real and as much if not more of a burden because kids are just learning to problem solve.

Oh no, he replied, for sure I remember, it's just that it seems sort of separate now from what appears obvious.

I tell him not to worry. As long as he doesn't forget to remember what it feels like to be a kid, he'll be a great dad.

How many kids in your family?

Kids. Children. Offspring?

Nothing to differentiate between adult or non adult. How many kids in your family? How many kids do you have? What year was your child born? How many kids does your sister have? Is so-and-so your oldest child? I'm a middle child, are you the youngest child? He's an only child. There are three of us kids in our family.

If one were to insert grown or adult, as in "how many adult kids does your sister have?" it would suggest the sister has some non adult kids. Nobody ever says, "Is so-and-so your oldest adult/grown child?" or "I'm the middle adult child, are you the youngest grown child?".

People use the words kids and children all the time when referencing people's offspring or siblings. It's not meant to infantilize and as far as I can tell, normally doesn't.

Am I missing something? Is this subject a source of angst (Angst as in the English, German, Danish, Norwegian and Dutch word for fear, or anxiety) for everyone but me?

Oh sorry, I lied

Kids have to feel it's safe to tell the truth, or they won't.

When you tell them it will be easier on them if they fess up to the major crime of not having really brushed their hair, you better not be lying yourself.

Offering them an out, a way to come clean with dignity works. Tell them you want to start over, give them the opportunity to re answer whether they really washed their hands or brushed their teeth, pretend they didnt even answer yet. No repercussion (or lecture for having lied) just a fresh start as a reward for having been brave enough to have told the truth.

Kids need to value honesty in order to be honest. If lying is a way to survive, it has far more value than telling the truth. If our kids need to lie to maintain their dignity, they will. If kids need to lie to do the normal things kids like to do, they will.

Doesn't it make more sense to know what our kids are really doing than basically force them to lie? How does a young teen phone mom and/or dad when they're in a jam if they've lied about what they are really doing? They can't, so you won't even know they're in trouble until it's maybe too late to help them.

I believe honesty is something to be taught early in life, that parents need to provide their kids with an environment that rewards honesty. That honesty is about respect for others and ones own self. Honesty is admired and applauded, recognized as an act of courage many times.

I feel it's also important to talk about the times it's ok to lie, because such times exist. I straight out told my son if he ever needed to lie to get out of a situation involving drugs or alcohol or any of the other precarious situations our kids are exposed to regularly that it was ok to do whatever he needed in the moment. I gave him the example of being offered a cigarette. If it's easier to say, "nah, thanks man but I just put one out", go for it.

I promised him early that if I knew from him about something that happened in school instead finding out from another parent or teacher, things would be much easier for him, as far as I approached the situation anyway. I really respect the courage it takes for a child to be honest in the face of certain punishment or consequence and delivered my *sentences* accordingly.

I'd just like to close this post with something I did when my son was in kindergarten or grade one. He had lied to me about something silly the day before, I'd busted him and we'd talked about it. I was trying to figure out a way to get him to understand how it feels to be lied to, to not trust someone you love and care about. So, I decided to lie to him. I picked him up from school, all bright and cheery announcing we'd be hitting McD's on the way home to get him a happy meal (it was always all about the toy, not the food). When we pulled up to our home and he said, hey, I thought we were going to get a happy meal I replied, oh, sorry, I lied.

We had another good talk about it, I assured him that would be the only time he'd ever experience a lie from me and I can honestly say lying was never a big problem in our home.

It took effort and consistency and I'm not naive enough to think I know everything thing there was and is to know about my son's life but I do know that one of the things he takes most pride in is being an honest man. One of the things I take the most pride in is knowing he knows he has always had a safe place in this world to be honest, and that's with me, his mom.

See no evil, hear no evil

 I'm a proponent of talking about things with kids so they're prepared.

When reading one excellent post on talking to kids about the Russian child who was sent back to Russia alone I cringed a little when the poster discussed hiding the television news with the hope that the children would remain untouched by the story. I remember something similar when Michael Jackson died and my nieces, especially the older one, were mesmerized by the muted CNN coverage playing in the background on my sister-in-law's tv.

I can't remember the specific questions that were coming up but my approach to questions from kids are to answer them. So, in my attempt to do so, I was silenced by "the look" from their mom. It was explained to me in hushed tones over their heads that they were too young to understand, that it would be upsetting to them.

My question to mom was didn't she think it would be better if we discussed it with them before they talked about it at school with their friends? For whatever reason, mom did not think it was a good idea and so it was left, left to the imagination while the tv remained on muted in the background, CNN being quickly passed over when channel surfing for the rest of my visit.

For some it makes no sense to compare this situation to the Russian child who was returned by his adoptive mom but things like this are relevent to the people involved, what their experience is. These two girls' dad died when they were around 6 and 3 years of age and they were very present when their grandpa died a couple of short years later. They're no stranger to loss, they know death happens, and in our world of ever present media any kid over the age of  four or five can easily be exposed to the news story of the day.

I remember driving with them once and having the oldest ask me what would happen to them if their mom died, just out of the blue. I couldn't tell them their mom wasn't going to die, they know better, so I told them that if that happened I would get to them as soon as possible and make sure they were taken care of, that it wasn't something they needed to worry about. You could feel the relief from the backseat. I did go on to say that it wasn't likely their mom would die anytime soon, that she was healthy and would more than likely be bossing them around for many years to come.

I know it's sometimes frightening to tackle talking to kids about tough stuff, about things we may not even want to think about never mind talk about, but it's best if we try. Our words may not always be perfect, and maybe we'll need to take a few minutes to think about just exactly what we want to say before we do, but something is better than nothing, is better than being in denial about what our kids talk and think about.

Do I think our kids are forced to think and know about things too early in their impressionable lives? Oh yes, I do and it's sad, but, pretending it's not that way doesn't help anyone, especially our kids.

I wonder if this sad story of the Russian boy is affecting more than the kids who've been adopted, if kids all over are wondering if they can be sent away on a plane if their mom and dad don't want them anymore?

decision .... daycare, not!

 I had a surprise visit today from friends who brought their beautiful new baby for a visit. I'm mentioning this because they told me something I hadn't heard in a while, if ever. They told me that it's important to them to not put their child in daycare. Huh?!?!?!