I think it's safe to say that every adopted person will wonder why they're adopted. They may not search for their biological people, they may not try and dig up info, they may not ask questions or obviously wonder, they may only wonder a few times in their lifetime, but it will happen to us all at least once, I think.
I've read tons on the evils of telling a child they were given up out of love. That saying, "your parent(s) loved you so much, they gave you away!" causes lifelong emotional, relationship and abandonment issues. I see how it could, especially said the way I've just written it. They say the child will think, "oh no, if someone loves me it must mean they'll give me away or leave me". I can see how people make the connection, but I know it doesn't have to be that way.
I happen to believe adoption can be an act of love. I believe a mother and/or a father can choose to give their child up for adoption because they care and want something different for their child than they themselves can provide. I also believe an adopted person can understand this if they choose to.
I grew up thinking my bio mom gave me up because she loved me. It didn't affect me adversely when it came to other relationships, my mind didn't make the leap. As strange as it may sound to some, I just never took my adoption personally, never thought that it was something that I did wrong or was responsible for. Never thought that because I was put up for adoption that everyone else in my life would leave me or let me down. Never thought I was less valuable as a human being because of my adoptedness (although as a young teen I did think I was less valuable as a human because I had acne). I've since found out that my bio mom didn't give me up out of love, out of care for me personally, and I still believe there are parents who do it out of love or care, they just don't happen to be my parents (lol). Which is fine, ultimately it doesn't really make any difference if we were given up out of love and care, or given up because of religious values, or given up because it was too late to have an abortion or the bio parent(s) don't believe in abortion, or whatever other multitude of reasons people may have for freely choosing adoption.
My life value, my value as a human being, as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a wife and lover is not tied to my birth and circumstance of it. My value as a person is no longer tied to my parents, any of the four of them, because although my value and worth as a human being was never tied to my bio parents, it certainly was at times tied to my adoptive parents. It no longer is and hasn't been for quite a long time. Oh sure, there's the occasional tinge of "my mommy doesn't love me the way I think she should" (thats amommy for those who wouldn't know) but it's fleeting and is tossed away as quickly as it appears. A waste of energy and emotion that I could be using elsewhere, devoting to an issue or person worthy of it.
My value is not tied to any of my parents. My value is tied to me. My value is in how I live my life and how I care for and treat others. My value is in being honest. In being kind when I should and being strong when I must. My value is in knowing that it's most important I'm likable, good and true to those who truly love and care about me instead of those who are, well, assholes.
You know, you can run around for a long time trying to get an asshole to like you, to treat you well, to show you some respect, to get them to believe in, and allow you to be, your real self, but most times in the end, the person is still an asshole and you've just wasted a ton of energy that you could have used elsewhere.
And please, don't tell me this is an adoptee trait. I know plenty of real kids who run around trying to get assholes to like them. It's a human trait and may have nothing whatsoever to do with the fact your bio parents chose adoption because they cared about you.
Growing up thinking I was given up for adoption out of love and care didn't negatively affect me, perhaps it even positively affected me, who's to know for sure? I know I don't and neither can you. I do know that it's important all kids feel wanted, loved, accepted, and cared about by somebody. It can go a very long way in helping them cope and come to terms with the less than perfect existances we all experience.
Showing posts with label first mothers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label first mothers. Show all posts
Friday
Concrete proof
On my post previous to this one, I was asked to further explain what I meant when I said, "Maybe, just maybe, part of the key to all of this is to have concrete proof that we're important to our biological families before investing emotionally in them, before handing them our hearts."
I guess I'm saying that adoptees who are reuniting and having relationships after years of no or minimal contact should protect themselves from disappointment or pain by assessing their biological/first/natural parents' and siblings' attitudes, perceptions, interest, toward the adoption and the adoptee his or herself before investing (further) in them emotionally. I would think this would also apply in reverse, to parents who have searched and found adopted out adult children.
Having said that, I realize for some adopted people connection and feelings of love aren't things they feel they have control over, so perhaps for them it would be wisest to not get their hopes up too high for finding a familial connection? To be prepared to not have feelings of love or importance reciprocated.
I was also asked what I would call concrete proof that I am important to my bio family.
Well...in my case, likely the biggest thing would be for my bio mom to tell her family about me. That would say a ton about my importance.
Other things would be asking for photos, interest in meeting my son, quick emails or phone calls when she is busy saying that she's busy without me having to ask if everything is ok.
Oops, almost forgot the other biggie. I think it would be concrete proof that I am important to my biological mother if she told me who my biological father is.
Adopted people reading here, what would be concrete proof to you that you're important to your biological/first/birth parents or family? As always, anonymous comments are welcome.
I guess I'm saying that adoptees who are reuniting and having relationships after years of no or minimal contact should protect themselves from disappointment or pain by assessing their biological/first/natural parents' and siblings' attitudes, perceptions, interest, toward the adoption and the adoptee his or herself before investing (further) in them emotionally. I would think this would also apply in reverse, to parents who have searched and found adopted out adult children.
Having said that, I realize for some adopted people connection and feelings of love aren't things they feel they have control over, so perhaps for them it would be wisest to not get their hopes up too high for finding a familial connection? To be prepared to not have feelings of love or importance reciprocated.
I was also asked what I would call concrete proof that I am important to my bio family.
Well...in my case, likely the biggest thing would be for my bio mom to tell her family about me. That would say a ton about my importance.
Other things would be asking for photos, interest in meeting my son, quick emails or phone calls when she is busy saying that she's busy without me having to ask if everything is ok.
Oops, almost forgot the other biggie. I think it would be concrete proof that I am important to my biological mother if she told me who my biological father is.
Adopted people reading here, what would be concrete proof to you that you're important to your biological/first/birth parents or family? As always, anonymous comments are welcome.
Tuesday
A question for adoptees or those "who know one"
Just read how it is common occurrence for adoptees to wait until their adoptive parents die before they search for their biological people, their biological identity. I am aware this happens, even "know some" adoptees who did. They're all *ahem* much older than me of course.
Neither my sister or I waited for our adoptive parents to be dead. Most adopted people who have blogs that I read did not wait until their parents were dead. They discuss the issues involving their adoptive parents that come with searching and reunion, things like guilt and pressure, parental insecurity.
Many blogging mothers who relinquished talk about having issues with their child's adoptive parents. That wouldn't happen if the adoptive parents were dead.
It brings me to my question, well, questions.
Did you wait until your adoptive parents were dead before searching for your biological people?
If you're a mom who has a child who was adopted, did your child wait until their adoptive parents were dead before searching?
Hey, if you're an adoptive parent and you're searching on behalf of your child, it means you're not dead! Feel free to chime in as well.
Neither my sister or I waited for our adoptive parents to be dead. Most adopted people who have blogs that I read did not wait until their parents were dead. They discuss the issues involving their adoptive parents that come with searching and reunion, things like guilt and pressure, parental insecurity.
Many blogging mothers who relinquished talk about having issues with their child's adoptive parents. That wouldn't happen if the adoptive parents were dead.
It brings me to my question, well, questions.
Did you wait until your adoptive parents were dead before searching for your biological people?
If you're a mom who has a child who was adopted, did your child wait until their adoptive parents were dead before searching?
Hey, if you're an adoptive parent and you're searching on behalf of your child, it means you're not dead! Feel free to chime in as well.
Saturday
For mothers who have lost a child
I just read a post over on Susie's blog. I commented but decided to write a post on the subject myself. I've talked about this before either in comments and/or posts, but whatever, I think it's important. You can take it, and I know you will, in whatever way you want. Some will be hurt, some will be offended, some will be triggered, and some might just hear and take what I have to say to heart.
Understand it's said with the best intentions, with your alive and present children's feelings in mind.
Here's what I said to Susie.
You know, what I've found in life Susie is that nothing ever stays the same. Yeah, it doesn't necessarily always get better but it also doesn't always get worse.
I guess what I would say to you is accept this less than rosy time, which you appear to be, and know that there will come a time, a day, a moment that will fill you with happiness or excitement or some other feeling that's good.
In the meant time, be careful not to let those you do have in your life, your raised kids, feel like they're less than Christopher. That they aren't enough to make their mom happy at Christmas. That the family you actually do have isn't good enough.
I'm sorry it's this way for you, and even sorrier for your kids if they know it.
I come at this from the point of view of an alive and present kid, albeit an adopted one who is in contact with her bio mom. I am also the daughter of a mother who has lost a child to death, her baby boy, someone whom I myself miss dearly. My little brother.
I know what it's like to be here and present and it just not be good enough.
My mom doesn't do it anymore. She doesn't make me feel this way, this frustrating mix of hurt and compassion. Compassion for a woman who has lost her child but yet hurt by a mom who can't be cheered, who doesn't embrace what she has left, can't be thankful for at least that.
When my mom did make me feel this way, I eventually told her. It was not when my brother initially died. I, being a mom myself, knew how devastating this was to my parents. I'm the one who had to tell them.
I've been there for my parents really forever and in this things were no different, but after a while it got to a point where it just felt wrong. I was here, my son was here, why were we now no longer enough to bring joy or pleasure? When would we become enough again, the way we were before my brother died? Maybe we just never were as important as he was but I'll be damned if I were going to carry on "being there" for someone who I wasn't good enough for. I missed my brother very much too!
I've come to realize that this conversation can evolve into a discussion on "what's worse", although in my mind there's no comparison. If you feel the need to go there, be my guest, but as a mother of one and the daughter of a parent who has lost a child to death, you'll never convince me it's worse to have a child alive and well that you don't see or talk to enough than to have a child that breathed his or her last breath. That there's no hope for reuniting, no hope for a hug or a touching of hands, no possibility of hearing their voice or even reading an email they've written.
That's not what this post is about though. It's about us, the kids that are still here. Your children who call, who visit, who care, who feel so badly for your loss. Who love you, are dedicated to you, and want you to be happy with what you have. Us.
We know that we can never be or do enough to take away the pain. That this person, who we may love and miss ourselves, holds a power to change the way things were, the way things should be, just by their very absence.
As a mom, I get it. I feel sick at the thought of losing my son. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like. I am so so very sorry for any parent who has lost a child.
As a daughter, I implore you to think about what you still have, and embrace it.
edited to supply this link
Understand it's said with the best intentions, with your alive and present children's feelings in mind.
Here's what I said to Susie.
You know, what I've found in life Susie is that nothing ever stays the same. Yeah, it doesn't necessarily always get better but it also doesn't always get worse.
I guess what I would say to you is accept this less than rosy time, which you appear to be, and know that there will come a time, a day, a moment that will fill you with happiness or excitement or some other feeling that's good.
In the meant time, be careful not to let those you do have in your life, your raised kids, feel like they're less than Christopher. That they aren't enough to make their mom happy at Christmas. That the family you actually do have isn't good enough.
I'm sorry it's this way for you, and even sorrier for your kids if they know it.
I come at this from the point of view of an alive and present kid, albeit an adopted one who is in contact with her bio mom. I am also the daughter of a mother who has lost a child to death, her baby boy, someone whom I myself miss dearly. My little brother.
I know what it's like to be here and present and it just not be good enough.
My mom doesn't do it anymore. She doesn't make me feel this way, this frustrating mix of hurt and compassion. Compassion for a woman who has lost her child but yet hurt by a mom who can't be cheered, who doesn't embrace what she has left, can't be thankful for at least that.
When my mom did make me feel this way, I eventually told her. It was not when my brother initially died. I, being a mom myself, knew how devastating this was to my parents. I'm the one who had to tell them.
I've been there for my parents really forever and in this things were no different, but after a while it got to a point where it just felt wrong. I was here, my son was here, why were we now no longer enough to bring joy or pleasure? When would we become enough again, the way we were before my brother died? Maybe we just never were as important as he was but I'll be damned if I were going to carry on "being there" for someone who I wasn't good enough for. I missed my brother very much too!
I've come to realize that this conversation can evolve into a discussion on "what's worse", although in my mind there's no comparison. If you feel the need to go there, be my guest, but as a mother of one and the daughter of a parent who has lost a child to death, you'll never convince me it's worse to have a child alive and well that you don't see or talk to enough than to have a child that breathed his or her last breath. That there's no hope for reuniting, no hope for a hug or a touching of hands, no possibility of hearing their voice or even reading an email they've written.
That's not what this post is about though. It's about us, the kids that are still here. Your children who call, who visit, who care, who feel so badly for your loss. Who love you, are dedicated to you, and want you to be happy with what you have. Us.
We know that we can never be or do enough to take away the pain. That this person, who we may love and miss ourselves, holds a power to change the way things were, the way things should be, just by their very absence.
As a mom, I get it. I feel sick at the thought of losing my son. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like. I am so so very sorry for any parent who has lost a child.
As a daughter, I implore you to think about what you still have, and embrace it.
edited to supply this link
Monday
My name is Campbell and I'm an adoptee
Yep, I'm adopted. If you aren't you've likely wondered if (perhaps even hoped) you are. It's a funny thing being adopted. It kinda makes you special. Think about it. Someone is talking about adoption and you can say, "oh, I'm adopted". The reaction is always one of interest. "You are?! I didn't know that!"
I love talking about it, telling my story, what I know and what I don't know. I am from a family of three kids with two of us being adopted so I not only get to talk about the fact that I'm adopted but also about my older sibling's adoption story which is an even more interesting story than my own. See, my older sibling has actually met her birth mother and two full siblings. In fact, my whole family has met older sibling's birth mother, right in our family home! What an experience to see this woman who was very much like my older sibling. So interesting to observe the different reactions of our mom and dad, how my mom was threatened and my dad, well, not threatened in the slightest. "Hell, it's been our kid for all this time so if this changes anything, so be it". He was right. Nothing changed. Older sibling just acquired 3 new family members to be concerned with, perhaps be disappointed by, but suffice to say all curiosity was satisfied.
Another reason being adopted made me feel like I was special is that I was told so. Right from the beginning I've been aware that I'm adopted. My mom has told me it was a story they started telling me as early as I was able to understand. So, as early as I was able to tell people that I'm adopted, I did. It was around grade three that I have a memory of telling other kids and getting the predictable reaction of "your parents didn't want you!" and "that means your sister isn't your real sister because you don't have the same mom". WHAT?!?!?!?!
I love talking about it, telling my story, what I know and what I don't know. I am from a family of three kids with two of us being adopted so I not only get to talk about the fact that I'm adopted but also about my older sibling's adoption story which is an even more interesting story than my own. See, my older sibling has actually met her birth mother and two full siblings. In fact, my whole family has met older sibling's birth mother, right in our family home! What an experience to see this woman who was very much like my older sibling. So interesting to observe the different reactions of our mom and dad, how my mom was threatened and my dad, well, not threatened in the slightest. "Hell, it's been our kid for all this time so if this changes anything, so be it". He was right. Nothing changed. Older sibling just acquired 3 new family members to be concerned with, perhaps be disappointed by, but suffice to say all curiosity was satisfied.
Another reason being adopted made me feel like I was special is that I was told so. Right from the beginning I've been aware that I'm adopted. My mom has told me it was a story they started telling me as early as I was able to understand. So, as early as I was able to tell people that I'm adopted, I did. It was around grade three that I have a memory of telling other kids and getting the predictable reaction of "your parents didn't want you!" and "that means your sister isn't your real sister because you don't have the same mom". WHAT?!?!?!?!
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