Adoptee Rant

It's no secret my mom and I have been struggling with our relationship over the past several years.

Even more than normal.

I've been trying to deflect, defuse, defer and detox but something always happens to whip me back up again, mom manages to twist the knife just enough more to hurt me, which sets me off.

While applying bandages to our most recent scrap, my being adopted and meeting my biological mother came up. Again.

I cannot tell you how much this bothers me.

It seems no matter what I say or how I say it, my mom is incapable of looking at herself as being responsible for our tumultuous relationship, looking at herself as being the reason I have so much resentment toward her. It's just the way she is.

Problem for us adopted kids is is that being adopted is the perfect get out of jail free card for people like my mother.

It's one of my biggest pet peeves with the Primal Wound Theory, that those of us who are adopted are inescapably damaged. What if Verrier made some mistakes as a mother and her adopted kid happened to be the one who rebelled, more because of her personality than her adoptedness. I would even go so far as to say ok, because of our adoptedness, sometimes we adoptees might be extra resilient which could make us a little feistier but there has to be somebody setting us off. Somebody like a parent who refuses to look at what they may be doing wrong.

My mom wanted to adopt another kid and I'm what she got. I don't owe anyone anything for having been adopted. I'm lucky I survived after being left alone at a hospital, my well-being in the hands of the fickle finger of fate. I'm grateful for all the good things in my life. I am a competent, independent, thoughtful fifty year old woman and do not fight with my mother because I'm adopted or because I met the mother who gave birth to me. I fight with my mother because she is difficult, self absorbed, and incapable of compassion and empathy for others.

Please, look at yourself before you look at your kids when trying to find a reason for your poor relationship with them.

Apologizing to your kids and taking responsibility for your parenting mistakes goes a very long way in building trust and communication, not to mention sets a great example. One of the best things we can teach our kids is how to admit and own being wrong.

If you've never done it, you clearly need to because we all make mistakes.

Adoptive parents, despite all the crap you read, it may very well be YOU who has issues, not your child.

If you can't even entertain the possibility of that being true, I pity your kids and hope they are as resilient as I am.

Unreal

I read quite a few adoption blogs and it's pretty much the same old, same old most of the time. Yesterday though I ran across a little tidbit that made my blood boil, and then run cold.

"I've always prepared for my adopted child to say "You're not my real mommy, I hate you, I want my real mommy." And do you know what I will honestly think? "You're not my real daughter, and I DO want my real daughter. But I LOVE you. No matter what.""

I have a few problems with this, not the least of which is that this person adopts period.

Who says shit like this? Who says to their kid who is adopted that they aren't their real son or daughter? Who tells their kid who is adopted that they want their real daughter, their daughter who died?

I note that the person said they will honestly "think", not necessarily say the words but you know what? Thinking it is bad enough.

If you don't intend to think of your adopted kids as your real kids, really, don't adopt.

In the eye of the beholder

I came across a blog yesterday that has a post entitled Adoptee Cliques and it got me thinking about how this group phenomena occurs. I think I know what some of the perceived reasons or impetus for the dissension are, I just have no clue how to resolve or dispel them. Perhaps it's not possible to put an end to online adoptee cliques.

I'll start out by mentioning some adoption scenarios I've had personal experience with and a few I know of by reading around the various online resources that exists. By no means will I or could I list them all. There are far, far too many and really, every single situation is unique to the individuals involved which in turn affects the experience of the adopted person.

1. Domestic, closed, infant adoption. (That's me)
2. Domestic, closed, infant adoption to a good family (That's me too!)
3. Domestic, closed, infant to a crap family
4. Domestic, closed adoption of an infant willingly given up. (Me again)
5. Domestic, closed adoption of an infant who was coerced or abducted from it's parents(s)
6. Replace domestic with international on the first 5
7. Add transracial to the first 5
8. Subtract closed from the first 5 but add toddler/older child from foster care
9. Take 1 but subtract domestic, add international, and divide by life and death medical circumstance
10. Take all 10 and multiply by 20 years ago. Then by 30. By 40. 50.60.70.80.90

There are adopted people who feel abandoned, there are those who do not.
Some that feel like they never fit in to their adoptive families, some that feel they did.
Some believe they suffer from a primal wound, some who feel they don't.
Some were born in different countries than they were raised, some who were not.
Some who feel the need to search, some who do not.
Some search and are embraced, some search and are rejected.
Some who have always known they were adopted, some found out as adults.
Some who feel being adopted was a negative in their life but still love their parents.
Some who can't stand their parents but don't feel being adopted was a negative.
Some who feel their god was instrumental, some who don't think their god had anything to do with it.
Some feel relieved to have been adopted, some feel it was completely unnecessary.
Some who feel like their adoptive family is their "real" family, some who do not.

There are many, many more ways adopted people feel and possible reasons for why they feel that way. I could take much of what I've already listed and interchange them and it would apply to someone.

I personally think we do each other a disservice by dismissing each other's realities. I understand it's human nature to gravitate toward those who are of like minds. It's comforting, it assures us we're "ok", normal.

How can we get to a place where we don't mock one another? Gang up on each other? Present a place where people who are adopted can truly say how they feel about being adopted without fear of being rejected or attacked by other adopted people?

Some may think I am the kind of person who is annoyingly eternally optimistic. The "turn that frown upside down" type, and they'd be mostly right. Except for in the adoptee vs adoptee ring. I am not optimistic at all.

I think there is innate desire to categorize ourselves into good and bad adoptees. I think we've been told they exist, and deep down we want them to.  Don't get me wrong, I believe a person can be in a situation where they want to be or are expected to be a "good" adoptee, that if they aren't they won't be as loved or accepted. They must appear grateful, or else. I also believe that an adopted person can honestly and freely be totally fine with it, be almost fine with it, kinda ok with it, have fleeting moments where it's not the worst thing in the world, or just downright think it's the worst thing that could have happened.

Good and bad is in the eye of the beholder. Don't you dare slip from grace.

A question for adoptees or those "who know one"

Just read how it is common occurrence for adoptees to wait until their adoptive parents die before they search for their biological people, their biological identity. I am aware this happens, even "know some" adoptees who did. They're all *ahem* much older than me of course.

Neither my sister or I waited for our adoptive parents to be dead. Most adopted people who have blogs that I read did not wait until their parents were dead. They discuss the issues involving their adoptive parents that come with searching and reunion, things like guilt and pressure, parental insecurity.

Many blogging mothers who relinquished talk about having issues with their child's adoptive parents. That wouldn't happen if the adoptive parents were dead.

It brings me to my question, well, questions.

Did you wait until your adoptive parents were dead before searching for your biological people?

If you're a mom who has a child who was adopted, did your child wait until their adoptive parents were dead before searching?

Hey, if you're an adoptive parent and you're searching on behalf of your child, it means you're not dead! Feel free to chime in as well.

Lucky to have had you

 What I am is what my life has been. Some of it out of my control, some of it my choices, my decisions.

Being adopted isn't just something that happened to me, it is me, it is my story.

I was adopted. It is me. Maybe for better, certainly not for worse, it is me, it is my story.

I try and think about how things used to be, before I met my bio mom, before we communicated via email regularly. I remember not knowing, not fretting too much about ever knowing, feeling a picture would suffice. I'd always thought I'd like to see if I looked especially like anyone, to know what my bio parents looked like.

I remember the non identifying exchange of letters, how satisfying it was to know she was well, to see she felt the same as I did.

I think about all the times I was relieved to be adopted, to not be genetically tied to my mom's (adoptive) side of our family. 

The following is an exchange between my bio mom and myself following our meeting in person.

Her: I just wanted to write you and let you know that I feel your parents did a great job raising you and your mom should be proud.  You are a very pleasant and thoughtful person, which can only partially be credited to genes.

Me: I think I credit my awesomeness (you made my day with your words, thank you) to my dad and my genes, now that I've had a peek at them. I imagine it's not easy for non adopted people to understand the combination of curiosity and trepidation about biological background. I've spent my life thanking my lucky stars not to have inherited any of the "crazy" genes in my family so if I'd discovered my heritage was the same, if not worse, it would have burst my little bubble haha. Believe me when I say this, I've been the envy of many a cousin when family shenanigans went on. Them saying, is this what I have to look forward to? and me saying, phew! dodged that bullet.

As much of the nuttiness was on my mom's side, my dad would shake his head and say, "Campbell, all I can say is thank god you're adopted". I remember us talking and me saying, what if my biological people are whacko? He'd say, nah, they're not and I can tell just by the way you are. My dad was very proud of me, as I am of him.

 Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. I was just reading a post about a great grandpa/grand daughter relationship and I feel touched and happy for that grand daughter and I feel happy for my son, my father's grandson.

"Being related by blood doesn’t necessarily mean that you are close or that your natural family will be there for you or take care of you when the chips hit the fan." - Sunday Koffron

Dear friend, so you're thinking of adopting. Want to talk about it?

Dear friend,

This is what I'd like to tell you about the possibility of you adopting, so far. There may be more things I haven't thought of as of yet, but I don't want to forget what's on my mind now.

I don't think I need to ask you why you want to adopt. I think that's a no brainer. You want another child to raise. Do the reasons really matter? I guess they do if the reasons are to provide your son with a playmate or have someone to do chores in your home or any other frivolous or ridiculous reason unrelated to the actual love for children and parenting. Hopefully this isn't the case, for if it is, I'm wasting my time and energy talking to you.

I would like to ask you if you've truly thought about what it is you're planning to do. Have you researched with an open mind, been receptive to anything negative you've heard about adoption? Can you truly love a child that isn't your own blood? Do you have the time and energy needed for more children? Are you doing the best you can for the son you already have? What makes you a good parent?

Not all adopted people feel like I do. There are adopted people who hate the fact they were adopted. Some say they'd have preferred to have been aborted. How will you feel if your child resents having been adopted? I don't know the magical formula to raising an adopted child that is at peace with having been adopted. I don't think anyone does.

Do you know, truly know, that adoption begins with loss? There can be loss of dreams, of identity, of heredity, culture. For some there can be a loss of trust, self worth, and even loss of lightness of soul and spirit. That the loss can be far reaching to grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings. Can you relate to that loss without feeling threatened or hurt? Can you parent with confidence and the ability to recognize the difference between your child's confusion about, and reaction to, being adopted and the regular angst that goes along with growing up? Will you be able to embrace and value your children's unique personalities and needs? Will you know when to "blame" adoption and when not to? Will you know when to discuss adoption with your children? Will you even be capable of discussing adoption with your children? How will you go about it? Will you do things by "the book" you're given by an agency or social worker or will you be able to think it through and follow your children's lead or know when you need to take the lead? Will you understand and support any "need to know" your child may have? Will they feel sure of your love and commitment therefore comfortable to talk (or not talk) about everything adoption related? Will you expect them to be grateful to you for everything you've provided them with, materially and/or emotionally and hold it over their head?

Will you refuse to become involved in an adoption that may feel unethical? Will you be able to recognize a parent or parents who are giving you a child they truly want and can raise out of an obligation to "keep their promise" to you? Do you believe me when I say nobody should make the decision to promise their child to another person without having seen and touched their child? It's sad but true that parents go through with adoptions that are against their better judgment because they don't want to disappoint the adoptive parents they've come to know and care about. Do you know that at that point it's not about you but about the child and what's best for it? It's never best for a child to be given away when it's wanted and can be raised by the people who brought it into this world. Picture yourself being told you need not have been adopted, that you were adopted through shady, or worse, conditions just so your (adoptive) parents could have you or an agency could make some money. We can all picture these scenarios if we try hard. One shouldn't have to be adopted to understand how confusing this would be, how devastating finding out your life and what you've always believed to be true is a lie. Believe me, adopted people worry about their biological mothers and wonder if they're ok until they know, if they ever get to know. Don't adopt without a clear conscience. If you're unsure, be strong enough to just walk away, to put your needs second to a child's.

Do you understand what open adoptions are? Have you been honest with yourself about this and your ability to parent a child under that type of circumstance? Think about it!! It cannot be easy, there is just no way. Will you be able to deal with the jealousy? With the fear? With your child's jealousy and fear? Will you be able to handle your child's biological parents feelings if they're regretful or will you just cut off contact to protect yourself and your family? If you don't think you can do an open adoption, don't! If there aren't any parents who want a closed adoption, don't adopt!

I don't think you plan to adopt from another country. If I'm wrong, and you do, try and remember you are as Caucasian as they come. THIS WILL MATTER. There are people to seek out who are qualified to discuss interracial adoption, and being as Caucasian as you, I am not one of them.

I wonder if you've thought at all about foster care. I think about foster care, have always. I think I'd be a great foster parent, especially now that my son is grown. I cannot be a foster parent though, and it's really just because of one thing. My husband would not want to foster parent. In fact, neither would have my ex husband, my son's father. I could try and persuade, pull out all the stops and say I'd do everything, that it isn't important for us both to want to do it. Who knows, my husband could say ok to try and please me, right? But, it's not supposed to be about me. It's supposed to be about kids who need families, parents or a parent. Every child born deserves to have some kind of family, whether it be blood or not, but no child deserves to exist in a situation where they're resented or unwanted by even one family member, blood or not. I believe that someone who isn't initially on board with providing a home for a child without one, whether it be through foster care or adoption, can change their mind and eventually embrace said child but....isn't it too big of a risk to take that they won't ever? I wouldn't even force a pet dog on my family if they didn't want the responsibility, why would I do it to a child?

I am not against adoption. I am not against you personally adopting. I am against people not properly preparing themselves for the act of adopting a child, or for that matter, having their own biological children. Against them wearing blinders to the difficulties and the effort and sacrifice that is necessary to do our very best. It's not about you so it's nothing like entering into a shitty marriage or staying in one, it's not about the harm you could do to yourself not listening to warnings about smoking or overeating or driving without a seat belt. It's different when you're holding another human being's childhood in your hands, affecting their future by what you do in the present. We all ignore advise all the time, but please don't ignore what I'm trying to tell you here.

There are many things people try to warn and educate each other about. More often than not the effort is ignored and people either learn the hard way or never learn at all. Fine. It's your life and it's our right to mess up our own lives but it isn't our right to mess up an innocent child's life, biological or not.

My friend, please think long and hard about what you're doing because it's not what you're doing to yourself, not about how you will be affected. It's about our children and what they need, deserve, and have the right to.

Oh yeah, if you do end up adopting, make sure you get a copy of your child's original birth certificate.

Someday they may be an adult who wants it.

I'll take my comment elsewhere....and add to it

The issue of "responsibility for the emotional welfare" IS a huge burden placed on children by parents, period. I agree that an adoptive parent could be more inclined to engage in this harmful behavior but no more so than a single parent, divorced parent, widowed parent, a parent who's experienced the death or loss of a child, or for that matter a natural/first/birth/bio parent or their damaged adopted adult children.

Since offspring have a natural tendency to "care" about their caregivers or parents (even if they're undeserving for whatever reason) it's very difficult to convince them their parent's issues are not their problem. If they're able to do this though, especially without severing the relationship with the guilty parent, it can be very liberating!

In my experience people (most of whom are biological parents raising or have raised their own or their partner's kids) who are prone to neediness and selfish ego driven behavior, when it comes to their children, don't want to realize what they are doing and why. You can tell them til you're blue in the face and most of the time they'll refuse to own and/or change their behavior. It always comes back to but.. but.. but, poor them.

When I speak of my experience I'm talking about real live people I know in real life situations. The reason I'm so aware of these circumstances is I become involved in them emotionally and/or physically. Sometimes it's from afar with there never being a possibility of me becoming involved or saying something but other times my "ear" is solicited with words of encouragement or advice to follow. Although I'd like to say that my "help" is, well, helpful it usually does no more than supply a sounding board to get it all out as it's easier said than done, this separation from parent's problems without separating from the parent. I know it's easier said than done because I struggle to do it myself with my own mother.

When it's the most sad is when I can see it happening with a non adult child. When I'm forced to watch the selfish behavior of a parent and the effects of their behavior on their child. There are nine children I can think of off the top of my head that "survive" this crap every day. I subtly (and not so subtly at times) do what I can but there is no changing people like this, it would appear. Their personal problems and needs will always be more important than their children.

A recent rather stern conversation with a parent of some children I'm close to left me frustrated and feeling helpless. Everything we talked about ended up coming back to him and his problems with his own father demonstrating a complete inability to see himself through his own kids eyes and how his actions negatively affect his daughters. Watching his wife, these kid's mom, allow her children to be subjected to this emotional abuse is even more infuriating.

The other kids are children of divorced parents who allow "step" parents to mistreat them, children of a widowed mother who carry the burden of their mother's emotional welfare every minute of their young lives, and one child of a single mom who could not get her act together for her now grown son and is so far unable to do so for her 8 year old daughter.

So, we have kids of a widowed parent, a married couple, a divorced set of parents who've introduced new caregivers, and a single parent all of whom have children that are biological to them and are carrying the weight of their parent or caregiver's emotional welfare.

My point is that although I do agree that adoptive parents could be more inclined to make their children, grown or not, responsible for their parent's emotional well being it is in no way exclusive to adoptive parents.

I believe it's a personality flaw or an unwillingness or inability to truly look at themselves and their behavior, not biological connection, though outside influences such as adoption can certainly exacerbate what's already there.

Save the shock and surprise

I want to discuss something I've not experienced in the way some adopted people have. In fact, it completely boggles my mind that it even happens in the way it's described. To me it seems it should be a classic "put yourself in their shoes" type of situation. If the people doing the judging or questioning would honestly try and picture themselves as adopted, seems to me it's a no brainer.

Adopted people could very well be interested in searching for their biological people.

Doesn't seem that shocking to me. Is that because I'm adopted? I don't think so. My mom, who has said things from time to time regarding searching that I've shaken my head at, has said herself if she were adopted she knows for a fact she'd search. She even said this to me when I hadn't yet (and felt no desire to) searched. Now, this isn't to say she didn't have or attempt to hide feelings of insecurity regarding my sister's and my biological families. To this day she says things like, "well, it's the way she went about searching" or "you exchanged a letter with your biological mother and didn't tell me?!". When it comes down to it, my amateur assessment of this conflicting behavior is based in her personality and her lack of confidence in her role as mom not in an inability to understand and relate to the desire to search.

This brings me to the characters that don't get searching at all. Who are these people? Now, I'm not saying I don't understand adopted people who don't search. I do get that because I was that for a time in my life. I'm talking about people, adopted or not, that supposedly exist and say things like, "why would you want to do that to your real parents?" or "how could you want to look for people that abandoned you?". Just writing it has me rubbing my eyes thinking REALLY? To the best of my memory this has never happened to me so it's just so bizarre and foreign that every time I see another adopted person write it I'm floored.

What is so hard to understand? A person is born. They are raised by a family that isn't biologically related. Good, bad, or indifferent that adopted family isn't biologically related. The desire to know why a person was adopted may be one adoptee thing that's universal. For some, I imagine, having reliable/credible documents that relay the story would be more than enough. For some, maybe a picture or two included may be more than enough. But for many others, obviously, it's not enough. They want to meet their biological family. They need to see and talk to people who may look or walk or talk like them and I refuse to believe there's a single person who, down deep, can't understand that. They themselves may feel they'd never want to or want to bother to, but they're being dishonest to say that can't see why someone else would.

If you know someone who's adopted who's searching or talking about searching, whether as family or just as a friend or an acquaintance, save the shock and surprise. If you're a parent, expect it. If your expectation is realized, support it. Prepare yourself and check your ego. Parent from the beginning in a manner that you can be confident in, in a manner that's honest and open. Establish a relationship with your child that makes them feel safe to talk to you. Let them know that you'll support whatever approach they take in searching. If it doesn't include you, get over it! Let your kids know that you'll be there for them no matter what they find, that your love for them isn't conditional. That it's not their responsibility to protect your role as parent, to worry about your fragile ego.

We all know that an adoptive parent will never be the biological parent but it's the same in reverse. What we are to another human being whether it be a parent, sibling, aunt or uncle, friend, teacher, or lover cannot be threatened if what we are is real and good.

If someone says they know a "happy adoptee", it's likely because they do

This morning I'm thinking about adoption. I'm adopted and am free of serious adoption related issues. So, the question's been asked, why on earth would I write about adoption? My answer, after wrinkling my forehead in puzzlement and thinking "huh???", is because I care about kids and I think my perspective is relevant and I want to know why it, adoption, works out ok for some and not for others. I would like to see adoption reformed and focus concentrated on children and what they need, not what all the adults and parents involved want.

I read adoption blogs and have reactions to what's said. Why wouldn't I? Why shouldn't I? In a way I feel like an objective observer, even though I'm adopted, because although I'm at peace with that fact I also believe that there needs to be a better way because not everyone is at peace with adoption. I grant everyone their feelings of anger and loss. I'm a firm believer that denying a person's feelings and reactions is never helpful but I also abhor it when those same people are unwilling to reciprocate, to try to also examine what works and why.

Here's a few of my thoughts this morning.

Research and proven theories. I am in the research business, scientific research. I am not a scientist but I do their work for them. I know what goes into creating valid and concrete evidence. It takes checks, repeatability, and reproducibility in controlled environments with experimental methods that have been proven reliable. Solid research takes years and has to be conducted with integrity and without bias.

Bias is rampant in adoption blog land. I think I understand why it exists but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. People maintain they are dismissed, that they are without rights, they're invalidated, and then turn around and do it to others. They go so far as to say if someone doesn't think like them that they're delusional. It's seems like if anything is said that goes against the person's personal agenda or cause the reaction is to avoid appearing to concede anything in anyway at all costs, even if it means twisting words and taking them out of context, referencing things like popular opinion as research. Maybe it's not always intentional or conscious but it happens and will always happen when someone is too stringent in their views.

The way it's rationalized as far as some adoptees goes is to say the good in adoption is heard enough. While that may be true (perhaps especially because it's true), how do they think they can be perceived as credible if they deny it in just the same way they feel denied? It's not just about validating feelings, it's also about acknowledging reality.

With some biological parents it's the same thing. No woman willingly gives up her baby and every single one of them will eventually regret it. Anything less is deemed unnatural.

And don't you dare say it can be a selfless, loving act. How can placing their child with total strangers be loving?! How could a child feel loved if it was abandoned?! Well, I for one think trying to give a human being that you created the best life you can can be a selfless act of love and I for one do not feel abandoned, because I wasn't. I was adopted. I realize though, sadly, that's not the case for everyone.

Abandonment to me means deserted with no regard. How can anyone claim that biological parents relinquish with no regard for their child's welfare? Aside from religious views, which is an entirely different can of worms, why on earth would anyone bother to carry a baby to term and place it with other people if they didn't care about the baby? Even if a person's decision to not abort a pregnancy is because they think of abortion as murder it still indicates regard for the life they're creating, does it not?

People say "put on your big girl panties" and take responsibility for your actions and raise that baby! All a baby needs is love, not material things, and age is of no consequence. Unless of course it's in reference to adoptive families. Then, conveniently, love is no longer enough.

Now, if the parents of the baby are incapable of raising it, which I'll admit I've have seen conceded (albeit in too few and far between moments), the grandparents are expected to step up to the plate, raise their children's children. Again, a double standard in adoption land. If people in their 40's or 50's plans to adopt it's child abuse. How unfair for a child to be raised by "old people"! Unless of course, they're genetically related because biology concurs all. As long as we're "really" related everything will be rainbows and unicorns. Sound familiar?

I worry that if adopted people who have struggled with feeling they belong somewhere find a place in the anti adoption community among like minded adopted people they can become stuck, not unlike being stuck in other kinds of gang mindsets. That even if their outlook becomes less stringent they can't explore that for fear that they will lose their place in their once welcoming community. That straying from the party line or speaking out in defense of "one of the enemy" could result in being cast out or mistrusted by the very people who helped them reach a more peaceful place regarding being adopted. They run the risk of going from "hey, I'm not alone" to "shit, here I am alone again".

I worry that adoptive parents will alter their perfectly acceptable approach to parenting out of fear they will do the wrong with an adopted child. I realize I've talked about it before but I think it's important, and damaging. I think it's fantastic there are real live adult adoptees relaying their stories, sharing the struggles they've experienced because of being adopted. It's an amazing resource but how many times will an adoptive parent come back when they're constantly shot down for using the wrong term or accused of despicable crimes against the children they love and want the best for. I'm fully aware there's the odd adoptive parent who "gets it" enough to meet the approval of the anti adoption crowd but they are the rare bird. Interestingly, to me anyway, it sometimes looks like some adoptive parents almost appear to be kissing ass in an attempt to be accepted into the gang. It's like maybe if they happen to be able to please a particularly hard to please adult adoptee blogger or maybe even better, a first/birth/natural mother (I say mother because the first/birth/natural father is also a rare bird when it comes to blogs) they can somehow feel a little less guilty about being an adoptive parent that day. My advice, if you're already in it, don't parent driven by guilt or fear. Use this valuable resource to educate yourself and others, just the same way you'd use all the other parenting resources that exist. Seek out the adoptive parents who "get it" and learn from them too, even the ones who've made a slip and fallen from grace. Actually, make that especially those ones.

Something else that troubles me is the power of suggestion. Anyone who cites research has to concede that it exists. The following paragraph is an excerpt from a guest post contributed by a wise woman I know quite well, my sister.

"After meeting my birth mother, I learned that the reality of my first few days contradicted any trauma-inducing circumstances. I had been born with a name; it was on my certification of adoption. My birth mother had me named for her sister, and her one close friend at school. I was born with connections and history. And contrary to usual practises of the time, my birth mother was allowed to hold me, and cuddle me, and no doubt whisper things into my baby ears. I was wanted (I had two mothers), I was loved, and had been since before I was born. So much for my “abandonment” being the source of my insecurities growing up, as I tried to do no less than understand the world."

I don't think acknowledging the possibility of suggestion diminishes statement. I think the ability to do so can even make statement more plausible. I am far more inclined to accept the opinion of a person who's able to see both sides of a coin. Telling someone something is so, can and does sometimes make it so. Hmm, maybe that's the goal for some. It's one of the major complaints in adoption, isn't it? How agencies and evil baby stealing adopters drill things into our brains, pour kool aid down our throats, paint happy pictures of forever families all the while insisting we be loyal and grateful. How is it different to be completely rigid in saying you're obviously still drinking the kool aid if you don't think like me, paint pictures of families who unequivocally cannot be as good as what should have been, all the while screaming if you're adopted you're damaged, whether you think so or not. And again, how is it all messing with younger people? It's kind of what I was trying to get at here.

Nothing about adoption is cut and dried, the same story for everybody. There's no one size fits all. There should be no clubs or sides. There needs to be growth, understanding, acceptance, education, and respect. We need to question ourselves as well as each other.

Don't be afraid to speak up and out about your adoption experience, there's nothing to be ashamed of, but make it about your own. If someone says they "know someone who's adopted and they're fine", so what? They likely do. Just like you know adoptees who aren't fine with it.

Don't diminish others because when you do, you diminish yourself.

Fair weather daughter

I've decided to share a search experience. It's important to understand my intent in sharing so I'll first explain that.

I believe that adopted people think about how it would feel to find their biological people. They wonder if it's what they really want. I think the search itself can become a challenge, a quest. That the ramifications of success are impossible to know. Results are unpredictable, as are the ultimate feelings and effects on the adopted person's life as they know it.

So, the intent of this post is to share my feelings and reaction in an attempt to supply a known. To offer one small experience that was enlightening to me. There is no need to read into this post as what I plan to say is what I felt and am feeling, nothing hidden, nothing deeper.

The day before yesterday I was alone in my home. I got thinking what a perfect time it would be to call my biological mother (yes, I have her phone number as well as her address) so after writing a list of what was important to me to say to her, I started trying to call. I say "trying" as I must have partially dialed the number about 10 times and hung up before actually connecting to her number.

As I made these failed attempts I asked myself why. After much thought, I decided it was fear but first I debated with myself about why I'm afraid. Am I struggling because I don't really want to call? Because I'm worried about someone else answering? Am I afraid she'll be mean? I decided it was just plain fear, that I did want to try calling but was afraid. Knowing this gave me courage and I dialed the whole number and let it ring.

When I got the answering machine I was a little surprised as in my mental preparation for the phone call this likely scenario had eluded me. Out of instinct I left my first name and number asking her to call me when she had time. That's it. That's all, it was done. -Side note, she sounded younger than I'd expected.

But, now I'd left a message for her to call. And, I needed a shower as I had an appointment in a couple of hours. Ok, off to the shower I go, phone within reach. As I wash I contemplate what I'll do if she returns my call with my head full of soap, how it will be better if she calls while I'm on the conditioner stage. I ponder if she was really home and had decided not to answer, had screened my call and was listening to my message. What would she think I sounded like? I think I'd sounded upbeat and normal. I thought about how I'd forgotten to add to my written list of things I wanted to say that I was fine with her keeping me a secret, that physically meeting wasn't that important to me. That correspondence via email was perfectly acceptable as was snail mail although I'm really, really bad at mailing real letters.

Ok, out of the shower and ready to dry my hair. Will I hear the phone ring while my blow dryer is running? I stand the phone up so I'll see it ring, just in case. Hopefully she doesn't call before I'm done though as it will certainly be a bad hair day if I don't get it dried enough before she calls.

Ok, I'm all ready, but now I have to leave in a few minutes. I enter her name and number in my phone so that if she calls while I'm out and my husband is back from golfing he'll see the name and not ignore the call thinking it's just another long distance call from some phone center.

Off I go to take care of my errands, the last one being meeting my mom at her apartment to take care of some travel arrangements for my nieces. All thoughts of bio mom calling back are gone for the majority of the time I'm out, although I did check my voice mail at home once while I waited for my mom to meet me.

The travel arrangements and errands I took care of that day were a real load off my mind so I returned home quite pleased with myself and enjoyed the coffee my husband had ready for me when I got there. I listened to him talk about his day, he listened to me talk about how relieved I was to have gotten these "chores" done.

Eventually I check my call history and see there's been no return call as it was obvious no message had been left in my absence. There's a bit of thought about this, of course. Did she get the message? Is she maybe out of town? Has she not had a good time to call back yet? Ahhh, who knows, but what I do know is I want to just stretch out, watch tv, maybe have a nap, and relax. My brain is little fried from all the travel planning and it'll be great to do nothing for the evening.

As I veg out on my bed, flipping through channels, half dozing, the phone rings. Damn! Oh crap, I hope it's not her, I don't feel like talking on the phone. I grab the phone and check the call display and it's my mom, but not the bio one. I'm slightly relieved because since I'd just spent three hours with my mom that afternoon I felt no guilt in not answering, opting instead to check the message she'll leave just to make sure this time it's not something important.

And then it hits me. After all my trepidation, curiosity, speculation, anticipation and excitement, when it came down to it, I had dreaded the call when it wasn't convenient for me. When I didn't feel like being curious, didn't feel like talking, her call became just as much of an annoyance as anyone else's would if I wasn't in the mood for a chat.

This experience has been enlightening, a validation of the concern that my curiosity is fair weather. That my consideration of her circumstance is warranted. That my decision to value her privacy is a good one. That for me it would be selfish to push things further than I have because what I want is frivolous in comparison to what she doesn't want.

I still wonder, don't get me wrong. I wonder how she can not call back, because I'd not be able to resist. I wonder and worry if she walks around in a constant state of dread or fear, because I think if I were her I would.  I wonder who my paternal people are, because I don't know. I wonder what she's thinking, because I always wonder what everyone is thinking.

Thing is, I only wonder when I feel like it, and to me, that's not enough to alter other people's realities forever.

Everyone exists in a reality that was created by someone else

I've just been reading a blog post. It seemed so much like the blogger was reaching for trouble, creating their own drama, surmising about things that seem like a stretch in imagination. I get that it's in an effort to inform, to educate, to warn others about the possible ramifications of adoption but not everyone knows that's the intent, or will take the time to investigate. Take the time to think about the words and the feeling and care that goes into them. I know for myself as soon as I note that a blog seems unrealistic or ridiculous, (overly religious PAP's or AP's come to mind) I'm gone. Never to return.

It got me thinking about birth order and birthrights and gender at birth, not to mention circumstance of birth. How absolutely self indulgent and whiny adopted person's issues may come across to those who are biological to their family but yet still have their own personal crosses to bear, those who mean it when they say they "wish they'd been adopted". I also acknowledge that an adopted person may have their adoption issues as well as the problems I discuss here, sort of like a double whammy.

I mean just think about how many scenarios can and do exist. I'm going to list a few and welcome any I don't mention or haven't thought of. If you're touched by adoption, try and put that aside and think of "regular" folks for just a minute or two. I know some will say that's impossible, that they can't because they are, but for those that can, be creative or tap in to your own experience or the experience of those you know.

I mean seriously, isn't it supposed to be about children, period? Not just those of us who are adopted?

K, the first one I want to discuss is gender. I know of at least one person who insisted throughout her entire pregnancy she'd be terribly disappointed if she had a boy. No matter what was said to her, no matter how many times she was begged to not think that way, she was adamant that she did not want a boy and vowed she'd be unhappy if she had one. She did. Nuff said.

The unwanted, unplanned, yet kept child. This child could be the oldest, the youngest, or an in between but the timing of their conception was poor, unexpected, and inconvenient. The parent or parents cannot get over this fact and have an uncontrollable resentment toward this child for their entire existence.

The child born to a person of celebrity or infamy. The whole world knows who they are and their story. It is inescapable, the child's existence is forever compared to their famous parent, their every move under a microscope.

Order of birth. It can be huge you know. There are many traits and responsibilities automatically assigned based on birth order. There are unconscious attitudes toward other family members, peers, co-workers, and offspring directly related to the order of one's birth.

Poverty. People born into impoverished situations are affected by it, just as they can be affected by being born into wealth. It can be negative or positive, but they are affected.

Who a person is conceived to, and why. I'll use the example of a child conceived by people trying to "fix" their unhappy or broken relationship. I dare anyone to say this is effective in achieving the intended goal. If the relationship is broken a child will certainly not repair it but the responsibility to do have done so can be glaring to the child.

A child conceived of rape. I imagine no matter how "ok" the mother is with it all, that even if she's managed to somehow separate the act of conception and the process of giving birth and parenting, the child is affected by who and what their father is or was.

A child who is a multiple, but is the only survivor of birth. I know of people who've experienced this and there seems to be a measure of guilt and/or loss they carry forever.

Children who exist in a family and have suffered the loss of a sibling, suffer their parents loss of a child. This can come in the form of death, adoption, mental illness and/or substance abuse and addiction, incarceration whether it be wrongful or warranted. I think of the family of an American woman who is in prison for murder in Italy. I saw some coverage of how the rest of the children in that family are affected and it's heartbreaking, all around.

Children who suffer the loss of the important parent or parents when they are young and still need their mom or dad and have to make this difficult journey through life without the person they needed the most.

Finally, I think of children born to evil or demented parents. Children like those born to well known women who have put their sick husbands before their own babies, or who abuse their babies themselves, either after they are born or before.Children conceived by horrible men who do horrible things to others and/or their own children.

I understand, accept, and empathize with adopted people who feel a primal wound or experience trauma because of it. I believe some people are more affected than others, whether it be because of their personality or because of their circumstance or a combination of both. I think though that we don't have the corner on misery, trauma, loss, rejection, guilt, obligation or even abandonment. Nothing is ever perfect, one can ever know what if's or what if not's. These are our lives, these are our families, both created for all of us who exist without any one of us having been consulted or given choices.

I think every child deserves to be born planned and wanted, just the way they are, to responsible, caring and thoughtful people who've given thought to what they are doing, what choices they've made and will make for this new human being so that when the rest of the crap happens, at least they've had a fighting chance to make it.

Idealistic, maybe unrealistic, perhaps even ridiculous I know, but thank you for sticking around to the end even if you think so.

Conversation, IRL

In conversation this morning with son and husband, adoption came up, as it has a tendency to do.

It was a result of me asking my husband if I'd told him before that my mom had recently told me I was kept in the hospital for a month or so prior to them taking me home (I had to look back in my blog to this post in order to confirm the month as I'd said 6 months this morning...wow, proof positive of how as story gets embellished) and how it doesn't appear to have affected me. I did confirm that "I seem unaffected, don't I?".

The discussion moved all over the place from there.

We covered how a psychology text book conveys the notion that a child isn't so much affected by being adopted but rather by who they are adopted to, that it's so different to be adopted by a family of another race in that it's much more difficult to escape the fact that one is adopted unless the adopted person is not with their family, or, as my son pointed out, they're at home with only their family.

We talked about the notion that adopted people are more likely to give a child up for adoption to validate their experience, to make it ok, a notion I cannot entertain in application to myself (it was always in my thoughts to NOT ever do this because my biological mother did), but understand it in the way that it's a fact that human beings do perpetuate cycles and behaviors that logically they shouldn't/wouldn't be as likely to perpetuate as someone else, as they are aware of how it feels.

We discussed how although some of the online discussion seems just plain "stupid" (my son's word) that much of it is necessary to attempt to educate and how although I think it's fantastic and helpful it always sticks in my head that people who could quite likely do a perfectly acceptable job of parenting a child they've adopted without all the extra information have the potential to become "afraid" of their child, and this will do exactly the opposite of what all the educating is (hopefully) meant to be doing. How an attempt to "help" prospective adoptive parents be better parents unintentionally could possibly do just what's trying to curb.

We talked about a supposed group of women who are talking about adopting out children intentionally with the purpose of supplying childless parents with a gift of a child, something to which my husband reacted in disbelief comparing the act to giving someone a golf club if they didn't have one of their own, that it couldn't be that simple, it wouldn't be normal. We talked about how this scenario was entirely different than a woman who finds herself pregnant with a child she doesn't want, that this scenario certainly does exist.

I'm off to a family gathering today where I'll likely see a baby, newly adopted by a cousin, and another cousin who, as he ages, is the spitting image of my beloved dad who I miss especially at these family events.

I'm looking forward to it all. I love family shit.

The me I might have been

A co-worker/friend and I were discussing adoption last week. We discuss (talk incessantly) about lots of things but adoption comes up fairly often for obvious reasons. This particular conversation came up as "my search guy" had called and asked if I'd heard anything from my biological mother since writing her the last letter.

The circumstances surrounding my being adopted was one of the things my co-worker and I were once again discussing and I was explaining to her that some adopted people refer to themselves as bastards and how although I have no problem with that and kind of understand why they would, why they can, but because of this it's occurred to me that had I not been adopted, it's very likely I would have been thought of and treated like I was a bastard, in the true sense of the word.

Having been born 47 years ago to a woman who was very involved in the Catholic religion, fathered by a man who was married but separated, would not have likely been the occasion of celebration most births are. I think it's safe to say that had I been kept and raised by an unmarried woman under these circumstances I would most assuredly have a different feeling about myself now. I would have grown up that grandchild, that niece, that cousin, that sister who was illegitimate, that unwanted stain of shame. I've been told that being adopted doesn't make me chosen, that my parents would have taken any child that had come up, and, I know this is true, but I was wanted and was treated by everyone in my family as if I was.

My personality type is very sensitive to negativity. I can't stand it when I think someone's mad at me although as I've matured I realize not everyone likes everyone and sometimes some people just aren't worth the effort or compromise it would take for them to like me.

I am relieved to have grown up wanted, to have grown up without an undeserved stigma, to be adopted and wanted rather than an unwanted bastard. I shudder to think of the me I might have been.

If it ain't broke, you can't fix other things?

I quite often wonder why my experience of being adopted hasn't made me hate adoption. I mean, the obvious reason why I don't hate adoption is because my being adopted worked. What I'm talking about is WHY did my adoption work out, seemingly for all concerned.

My parents, although not happy with me all the time, seem to have enjoyed what they got. Not that that is really all that important since they actively sought out another kid to raise, and paid a whole $25 . I'm just saying, I think they've gotten their moneys worth out of me. I think they're satisfied customers, happy campers, so to speak.

My biological mother, well, she told me herself she's had a good life. She's gone on to have other children and didn't spend her life regretting giving me to someone else. I'm afraid my recent attempt for communication via snail mail has likely made her wary of being outed, something for which I'm sorry, but didn't expect since I was led to believe she was interested in further communication, albeit anonymous which it no longer is.

Biological father, don't know anything concrete about him and can't without biological mother's help. He's likely dead though now anyway. In fact, who knows if he even knew about me, so I can surmise his life was/is good enough.

My siblings, they seemed to like me enough. I've never felt they weren't "real" nor have they ever given me any indication they felt any different toward me. None of us were blood to each other, didn't make a damn bit of difference as far as I can tell. My sister, the other adopted one , is fine enough with being adopted too.

I, with the exception of the usual bumps in the road of adoption.... finding out my sister wasn't biological, realizing it wasn't a nurse that had babies for people who couldn't and that there was a real person out there somewhere who might not be as happy as me (did she have anyone to love her? did she have enough food?), and such other moments of realization, am at peace with the situation and feel no sense of rejection or abandonment. I have no resentment toward my biological parents or jealousy toward half siblings. With the exception of mild curiosity and a slight annoyance at not having heard back from my biological mother again, I'm cool with it all.

At this point, it leaves me with a big fat why. Why am I cool with it?

I don't have a storybook relationship with my mom, but, maybe my dad made up for that.

My parents were not wealthy by any stretch, but, money's not really ever been that much of a priority to me. I'd love to have scads of it, win a lottery or something, but as long as I have enough, I'm happy.

I don't especially look like anyone in my family, but have kind of told myself that I look like my dad's side, if I didn't have dark hair that is.

My personality isn't markedly similar to anyone in my family, but, there are things I have in common with lots of them and I've always been very relieved to have not inherited any crazy genes, that I know about anyway.

From my understanding, in 1963, they tried to match people up. Kind of find family similarities and values although I think there was likely lots of lying and omitting going on so how much this did to contribute to the success of my adoption is debatable. I was NOT adopted into a family of a different color or culture or from another country. These things, I think now, can make a huge difference between adopted people's experiences.

I've had my moments in life when I've felt  inferior, made bad decisions, behaved recklessly, but for the life of me I cannot connect that with my being adopted.

I've been told my good experience makes me privileged, and I guess that may be so, but I can assure you it in no way lessens my compassion and concern for those less fortunate, makes me any less determined to do my small part in addressing adoption dysfunction.

Thing is, I think it would be so helpful in fixing what's wrong, if I could just figure out what went right.....for me.

Enough already

"Had you not met the child you are raising, would you miss her?" -This has got to be one of the most ridiculous questions I've ever seen.

"Would she seek you out or cry for you had she not been adopted by you or not been adopted at all?" - Oh wait, this is the most ridiculous question.

Kids sitting in foster care or orphanages (or stuck with crap parents who resent their existence) are most certainly crying out for someone to come along and adopt them and love them and care for them. Before it's pointed out to me that adopters aren't interested in older kids, that they just want babies, than it's the biological parents that should shoulder the blame for not surrendering these abandoned, sometimes abused, older children when they were babies!

Adoption isn't always "rainbows and unicorns" but it isn't always coercion and human trafficking either.

What people seem to forget is that there are kids born to parents who DON'T REALLY WANT THEM. With any luck they are then raised by good people who do.

This online adoption community is made up of adoptees and biological mothers who refuse to admit this.

Can we please remember that there is still a child sitting in Russia, children sitting all over the world, without parents. Babies being conceived everyday to people who don't want them! They are just as entitled to be raised by a family who loves them as anyone else.

If later they then have some issues with the fact that their biological parents wouldn't/couldn't keep them well at least there's a chance that they have those issues coupled with the knowledge that someone loves them and cares about them, even if it's the evil adopters.

I for one am thankful that I'm not sitting here wondering what it would have been like to have been adopted by someone who loved me and cared for me.