Pick on someone your own size

I admit it, at the moment I'm addicted to reading blogs and forums. It's not helping me focus on my original plan for this blog but that's ok, I know I'll get there eventually.

So in my internet travels I've come across some very articulate and thoughtful young people who are struggling with their teen years. This in itself isn't notable, everyone has been there. It's the additional burden of adoption these particular young people carry that sets them apart, that makes their teen years even more challenging. If adoption was part of any of my peer's lives when I was a kid, I wasn't aware of it. Several family members, sibling and cousins, were adopted and I knew of one aunt that had given up a baby but none of my school friends were affected by adoption, that I knew of anyway. The fact that it was all around me in my family likely helped normalize it for me and as I've stated before I don't know about anyone of importance ever making any of us adoptees feel like we didn't belong, that we weren't family, that we weren't "real". I say all of this because not only was I not exposed to any significant real life examples of adoption gone wrong, I was also not exposed to the internet.

I shudder to think how this adoption blog and forum society would have messed with the "teen me". It's messes with me now! I read and react, sometimes comment, most times refrain. Some people take care reacting to what I say, many don't. I watch others post and comment and then deal with the backlash if what they've said isn't well received. I see bullying, tunnel vision, words that are twisted, a poorly worded sentence in a multi paragraph post attacked, and I see intimidation, all of which are part and parcel of this way of communicating and if you put yourself out there it's a risk you run. I know this, and I can take it. My issue is, what is it doing to young people who are trying to find their way? Trying to make it through one of the hardest parts of life?

When I'm compelled to speak online to a young person that I don't know because of something they've said, I take it very seriously. Most times I refrain but when I don't, I try and react in a way I'd want a stranger talking to my child about something as serious as adoption to react. Just writing that makes me feel a little sick to my stomach because I wouldn't want some stranger talking to my child about something as serious as adoption!! These kids are in situations you and I truly know nothing about because if there's one thing that's not complex about adoption is that the fact that it is complex. That every single story is unique, just as every single person is unique.

Am I the only one who thinks that telling a teen that you don't even know what to do is wrong? That conversing with them in the same way you converse with your online buddies is inappropriate? That attacking them and imposing your own adult views on them is disgusting? That disregarding and attacking each other isn't ok and is a piss poor example to be setting? These young people are so impressionable, so vulnerable and so precious and we have a responsibility to conduct ourselves in a way we'd want people to conduct themselves around our own children. Conduct ourselves the way we would if we were having a discussion while they were in the same room as us.

We don't know what their biological families are like or what their story is. We don't know if their parents are really as horrible or fantastic as they're being portrayed. We don't know if they have clinical mental or physical health issues. We don't know enough to tell them their adoptive parents suck, or to tell them it's their right to call up their biological people and say hi out of the blue, to tell them they should get their baby back, that they're evil for not keeping it. That if we had it all to do over we'd NEVER have given our baby away. What a load of crap that one is! So easy to say 10, 20, 30 years later when your life is all well and good and you've forgotten how it feels to be a kid.

The young people are here, no changing that. They're blogging, commenting, reading and reacting. But they're also developing, growing and learning. Their issues, opinions and thoughts are real and important. They deserve just as much, if not more, validation and support as the rest of the people involved in this adoption blog world but they also deserve extra consideration and time taken on how we respond to them and to each other. They deserve to see a society of adults who are capable of having healthy discussion, open minds, and compassion for each other's unique stories and views. That can work together to create positive change. That can learn from each other and show respect when disagreeing.

One last thing that won't be popular but don't worry, I can take it. I would like young adopted people to know that not every personality flaw, weakness, or problem that you have is necessarily because of adoption. That people who aren't adopted have trust issues, say sorry too much, have eating disorders, have crappy parents, have self esteem issues, know nothing about their heritage, suffer from depression, repeatedly get into relationships with the wrong people, and many other traits associated with being adopted. I'm not saying that these traits are never a result of being adopted, but they're obviously caused by other reasons too since they're not unique to us adoptees. And what's not unique to non adopted persons is the ability to work it out. To be healthy and rise above adversity. To refuse to let others victimize us and make their problems ours. We have the ability to break a bad cycle. It's not easy, but believe me, it's possible.

When society looks down

When society looks down upon something, isn't it sometimes for a reason? There's much discussion in adoption debate about young girls being supported in keeping their babies. That although it's not as shameful as it once was, it's still discouraged and these young mothers are encouraged to relinquish, or something. That the amount of support necessary to enable them isn't there, whether it be in the form of social assistance or familial aid. My question is, what if it was? I mean, birth control exists for a reason, right? Females of all ages at some point in their life fear/dread getting pregnant. I think I can safely say that most females in their teens fall in to this category. Why is that? Well, for me, it was likely first and foremost that my mom would have "killed me". Second I think it must have been I didn't want to have a baby I couldn't keep, like my biological mother. Other than that, I don't think I had a reason. I wasn't one of the people who had education/career goals. My biggest goal was moving out on my own. Another goal was to have a child someday, originally on my own because I didn't think I was marriage material, that I didn't need to have a father in the picture, and possibly I used to imagine I would adopt a baby who needed a home although this is not a concrete memory so I'm not positive I felt that way. I think I did at some point though. Having said all that, I can state that even though having a child was one of my biggest goals in life I did everything humanly possible to make sure I didn't have one when I shouldn't, and I didn't.

Now, what if I hadn't been afraid of my mom "killing me". Or if I'd not known that I needed the resources to raise a child, that if I didn't have them my child could be lost to me. I'll never know for sure of course but my bet is that there's a good chance I'd have gotten pregnant before I was ready and it's a crap shoot what would have happened after that. I have three friends that found themselves pregnant when they didn't want to be and one had an abortion, one relinquished, and one kept the baby. The one who kept the baby found herself pregnant late in life, at a time when she thought she was done with babies so it's not a surprise she had the child, kept it, and is living happily ever after.

So, here's my point, I'm wondering what would happen if it was okay. That it would be no big deal if females getting pregnant as soon as they're physically able (and that's young!) was completely socially acceptable, if they were embraced and supported by government and family here in North America.

Please know I'm not saying women shouldn't be supported in unexpected, unintended pregnancy. I'm all for maternity and paternity leave, parental leave, welfare assistance for those in need, child tax benefits, grandparents babysitting off and on, baby showers, high school programs for teen moms etc, and if my son messes up and becomes a dad before he is ready I'll help him, that's a no brainer. I'll "kill him", but I'll help him.

Can't wait to be a grandma!