Are adoptees who don't feel especially curious about their biological heritage suffering from low IQ's? Are they unnatural, brainwashed, shut down, or paralyzed by feelings of abandonment?
No. They're not.
They say curiosity is a sign of intelligence. That may be so. I know something else that is a sign of intelligence, the ability to look outside your own experience. The ability to learn new tricks.
There are many, many people who just aren't that curious about their heritage. Some of them need only talk with their parents or visit an aunt or uncle to learn about it. Some can easily hit Ancestry.com or a local library and find all sorts of family background and info. But, they just aren't all that interested, not that curious. Does this make them stupid? Of course not.
I know some will say, well, that's because they can, they know who their real parents are. To that I say, so what? Some adoptees feel like their adopted parents are their real parents, end of story. They feel and see themselves no differently than other people. Why should they be held to a higher standard than everyone else?
Curiosity about circumstances of birth and relinquishment is not surprising, but it isn't a reflection of intelligence. A person uninterested in "what happened" or who their immediate or distant biological relatives are could very well be curious about many other things, things that are far more important to them personally.
It seems to me that when it comes to curiosity about one's own circumstance of adoption and/or heritage, it can vary in degree. It can be nonexistent. It can be mild. It can be all-consuming. It can be both mild and all-consuming from one day to the next, from one hour to the next. It can be stifled due to outside influences. Lack of curiosity can remain in spite of outside encouragement to be curious. It can be there when we're young and vanish when we're older. It can be nonexistent in our youth and then overcome us when we have children.
I've read harsh judgements on adoptees searching for such a frivolous reason as "just being curious". I have had to question myself about this, if simple curiosity was a good enough reason to potentially disrupt the lives of others. It's a big fat no-no in some circles to search out of curiosity as opposed to searching to find and embrace our real parents and/or a new or different family.
For some adoptees just seeing a picture of their parents would suffice. For others, an explanation for having been adopted and a picture, never really feeling the need to actually meet anyone. There are adoptees who want full blown familial relationships with their biological relatives. None of it is wrong or an indication of intelligence or necessarily a reflection on anyone else. To say so, at best, is not very nice. At worst, it's not very smart.
Showing posts with label searching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label searching. Show all posts
Sunday
One mother's perspective on the right to search
I do not see it as a matter of rights, everyone and no-one have the "right" to search, or rather, both mothers and adoptees search, whether they have that right or not. That is not the question.
Some search, some do not. It is a deeply personal choice, from both sides. To adoptees (that feel nothing tells them more that they were loved than being searched for), mothers searching do not necessarily care more than mothers who wait to be found. Many of us who searched, and especially those like me who searched for young adoptees, did so out of our own needs as much as concern for the child.
I do not see myself as more noble or loving than mothers I know who were found but did not search, just more desperate at an earlier age. My son did not want to be found or to search. He was not pining for me, and it did nothing for him at the time, me showing up when he was too young.
Mothers who surrendered should search if they feel the need, but they should be aware not all adoptees are eager to be found any more than all birth mothers are. There are good reasons to search, and for some, good reasons not to. There is no "right" to search, it is a choice that should be made with clear vision and careful considerations of the pros and cons.
I am glad I found my son. I wish I had waited many more years to make contact. I cannot advise others to do as I have done, as I regret so much of it. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have the relationship with my son that I have now, in spite of all the mistakes.
Some search, some do not. It is a deeply personal choice, from both sides. To adoptees (that feel nothing tells them more that they were loved than being searched for), mothers searching do not necessarily care more than mothers who wait to be found. Many of us who searched, and especially those like me who searched for young adoptees, did so out of our own needs as much as concern for the child.
I do not see myself as more noble or loving than mothers I know who were found but did not search, just more desperate at an earlier age. My son did not want to be found or to search. He was not pining for me, and it did nothing for him at the time, me showing up when he was too young.
Mothers who surrendered should search if they feel the need, but they should be aware not all adoptees are eager to be found any more than all birth mothers are. There are good reasons to search, and for some, good reasons not to. There is no "right" to search, it is a choice that should be made with clear vision and careful considerations of the pros and cons.
I am glad I found my son. I wish I had waited many more years to make contact. I cannot advise others to do as I have done, as I regret so much of it. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have the relationship with my son that I have now, in spite of all the mistakes.
Tuesday
A question for adoptees or those "who know one"
Just read how it is common occurrence for adoptees to wait until their adoptive parents die before they search for their biological people, their biological identity. I am aware this happens, even "know some" adoptees who did. They're all *ahem* much older than me of course.
Neither my sister or I waited for our adoptive parents to be dead. Most adopted people who have blogs that I read did not wait until their parents were dead. They discuss the issues involving their adoptive parents that come with searching and reunion, things like guilt and pressure, parental insecurity.
Many blogging mothers who relinquished talk about having issues with their child's adoptive parents. That wouldn't happen if the adoptive parents were dead.
It brings me to my question, well, questions.
Did you wait until your adoptive parents were dead before searching for your biological people?
If you're a mom who has a child who was adopted, did your child wait until their adoptive parents were dead before searching?
Hey, if you're an adoptive parent and you're searching on behalf of your child, it means you're not dead! Feel free to chime in as well.
Neither my sister or I waited for our adoptive parents to be dead. Most adopted people who have blogs that I read did not wait until their parents were dead. They discuss the issues involving their adoptive parents that come with searching and reunion, things like guilt and pressure, parental insecurity.
Many blogging mothers who relinquished talk about having issues with their child's adoptive parents. That wouldn't happen if the adoptive parents were dead.
It brings me to my question, well, questions.
Did you wait until your adoptive parents were dead before searching for your biological people?
If you're a mom who has a child who was adopted, did your child wait until their adoptive parents were dead before searching?
Hey, if you're an adoptive parent and you're searching on behalf of your child, it means you're not dead! Feel free to chime in as well.
Friday
Save the shock and surprise
I want to discuss something I've not experienced in the way some adopted people have. In fact, it completely boggles my mind that it even happens in the way it's described. To me it seems it should be a classic "put yourself in their shoes" type of situation. If the people doing the judging or questioning would honestly try and picture themselves as adopted, seems to me it's a no brainer.
Adopted people could very well be interested in searching for their biological people.
Doesn't seem that shocking to me. Is that because I'm adopted? I don't think so. My mom, who has said things from time to time regarding searching that I've shaken my head at, has said herself if she were adopted she knows for a fact she'd search. She even said this to me when I hadn't yet (and felt no desire to) searched. Now, this isn't to say she didn't have or attempt to hide feelings of insecurity regarding my sister's and my biological families. To this day she says things like, "well, it's the way she went about searching" or "you exchanged a letter with your biological mother and didn't tell me?!". When it comes down to it, my amateur assessment of this conflicting behavior is based in her personality and her lack of confidence in her role as mom not in an inability to understand and relate to the desire to search.
This brings me to the characters that don't get searching at all. Who are these people? Now, I'm not saying I don't understand adopted people who don't search. I do get that because I was that for a time in my life. I'm talking about people, adopted or not, that supposedly exist and say things like, "why would you want to do that to your real parents?" or "how could you want to look for people that abandoned you?". Just writing it has me rubbing my eyes thinking REALLY? To the best of my memory this has never happened to me so it's just so bizarre and foreign that every time I see another adopted person write it I'm floored.
What is so hard to understand? A person is born. They are raised by a family that isn't biologically related. Good, bad, or indifferent that adopted family isn't biologically related. The desire to know why a person was adopted may be one adoptee thing that's universal. For some, I imagine, having reliable/credible documents that relay the story would be more than enough. For some, maybe a picture or two included may be more than enough. But for many others, obviously, it's not enough. They want to meet their biological family. They need to see and talk to people who may look or walk or talk like them and I refuse to believe there's a single person who, down deep, can't understand that. They themselves may feel they'd never want to or want to bother to, but they're being dishonest to say that can't see why someone else would.
If you know someone who's adopted who's searching or talking about searching, whether as family or just as a friend or an acquaintance, save the shock and surprise. If you're a parent, expect it. If your expectation is realized, support it. Prepare yourself and check your ego. Parent from the beginning in a manner that you can be confident in, in a manner that's honest and open. Establish a relationship with your child that makes them feel safe to talk to you. Let them know that you'll support whatever approach they take in searching. If it doesn't include you, get over it! Let your kids know that you'll be there for them no matter what they find, that your love for them isn't conditional. That it's not their responsibility to protect your role as parent, to worry about your fragile ego.
We all know that an adoptive parent will never be the biological parent but it's the same in reverse. What we are to another human being whether it be a parent, sibling, aunt or uncle, friend, teacher, or lover cannot be threatened if what we are is real and good.
Adopted people could very well be interested in searching for their biological people.
Doesn't seem that shocking to me. Is that because I'm adopted? I don't think so. My mom, who has said things from time to time regarding searching that I've shaken my head at, has said herself if she were adopted she knows for a fact she'd search. She even said this to me when I hadn't yet (and felt no desire to) searched. Now, this isn't to say she didn't have or attempt to hide feelings of insecurity regarding my sister's and my biological families. To this day she says things like, "well, it's the way she went about searching" or "you exchanged a letter with your biological mother and didn't tell me?!". When it comes down to it, my amateur assessment of this conflicting behavior is based in her personality and her lack of confidence in her role as mom not in an inability to understand and relate to the desire to search.
This brings me to the characters that don't get searching at all. Who are these people? Now, I'm not saying I don't understand adopted people who don't search. I do get that because I was that for a time in my life. I'm talking about people, adopted or not, that supposedly exist and say things like, "why would you want to do that to your real parents?" or "how could you want to look for people that abandoned you?". Just writing it has me rubbing my eyes thinking REALLY? To the best of my memory this has never happened to me so it's just so bizarre and foreign that every time I see another adopted person write it I'm floored.
What is so hard to understand? A person is born. They are raised by a family that isn't biologically related. Good, bad, or indifferent that adopted family isn't biologically related. The desire to know why a person was adopted may be one adoptee thing that's universal. For some, I imagine, having reliable/credible documents that relay the story would be more than enough. For some, maybe a picture or two included may be more than enough. But for many others, obviously, it's not enough. They want to meet their biological family. They need to see and talk to people who may look or walk or talk like them and I refuse to believe there's a single person who, down deep, can't understand that. They themselves may feel they'd never want to or want to bother to, but they're being dishonest to say that can't see why someone else would.
If you know someone who's adopted who's searching or talking about searching, whether as family or just as a friend or an acquaintance, save the shock and surprise. If you're a parent, expect it. If your expectation is realized, support it. Prepare yourself and check your ego. Parent from the beginning in a manner that you can be confident in, in a manner that's honest and open. Establish a relationship with your child that makes them feel safe to talk to you. Let them know that you'll support whatever approach they take in searching. If it doesn't include you, get over it! Let your kids know that you'll be there for them no matter what they find, that your love for them isn't conditional. That it's not their responsibility to protect your role as parent, to worry about your fragile ego.
We all know that an adoptive parent will never be the biological parent but it's the same in reverse. What we are to another human being whether it be a parent, sibling, aunt or uncle, friend, teacher, or lover cannot be threatened if what we are is real and good.
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