What seems to always happen

See, this is what seems to always happen.

Strong blanket statements are made and then I feel an obligation to contribute, compelled to say how I feel about being adopted. I don't get why that is so surprising to anti-adoption activists since it's what they themselves are doing.

I do not feel abandoned and that's because of having been adopted. Had my biological mother left me on a doorstep with no attempt to ensure my safety or my having a family, then I'd feel abandoned.

Not every adoptee feels or should feel that way, we're all different with unique experiences, but that's how I feel and how I feel matters just as much as anyone else. I also feel very much a part of my family, more so than some friends who are biologically related to each other.

To those of us who were provided with a family through adoption and aren't angry about our own situation, it's impossible to be completely against it even though we're not stupid enough to think reform isn't needed. Is that so hard to understand?

I wish every child conceived could be kept and raised by the people who created it but that's completely unrealistic. We all need to work toward helping parents plan their parenthood, make the best, most informed decisions when unplanned, unexpected, and unwanted pregnancy occurs. And, it does occur. We do each other no favor pretending every human is born to be a parent.

Sensational or sugar-coated blanket statements are no help to anyone as they so easily dismissed.

Urban Dictionary: cred short for "credibility". An ability to inspire belief in others.

I'm the type of person who'll stop and think about what someone has said to me, even if I don't like it. I'll even admit I've made a mistake, although I'll hate that I've made one.

In the past while, I've thought quite a bit about the trauma in adoption. I've allowed myself to feel around inside for some of my own, have wondered if I'm "in a fog" as so many have accused me of. Not necessarily accusing me directly all the time, but also indirectly by avowing all adoptees suffer loss and trauma by virtue of being separated from their biological mothers.

I got to visit with my good friend the other night, we've been pals since grade 4. Although we'd talked on the phone about our last visit where we'd butted heads on an issue (Lord's Prayer in public schools), we hadn't seen each other in person. It reminded me of what I'd discovered about myself after our prior visit when we'd argued. That it bugs me when someone I think I'm like, someone who I respect and/or care about, doesn't think or no longer thinks the same way I do.

Another example of this was during the last US presidential election. I was all on the Obama bandwagon, rolling my eyes at the opposition, thinking who in their right mind wouldn't want Obama to win?! Well, I found out quickly there were people I enjoyed very much who didn't want him to win. I remember being surprised, shaking my head, and making a bet for drinks that "my side" would be the victor, and just dropping the subject...until I cashed in my winnings of course. Thing is, it kinda shocked me that this person thought the way he did, but it didn't upset me. I enjoy this guy and we have fun together, but I don't feel a strong need to be of same mind, have the same point of view, and frankly, now it would worry me a little if we did think the same way.

This wasn't the case when it came to my husband. Obviously I care very much about what he thinks and depending on what the issue is, I can not like it at all if we don't think the same way. Well, when it came to the election, it wasn't that he was on "the other side", it was that he didn't think it made that big of a difference, that they're all politicians and this wasn't some new great hope candidate, it was just business as usual, same old crap. After some fairly lively discussions (arguments) about this, we decided to just stay away from the subject. We cared too much about what each other thinks to have this type of discussion, to experience those, "are you nuts?" looks or have the faces we love frowning and eyes we love rolling at what our beliefs are.

To be very honest, it does feel a little like I'm betraying other adopted people who feel traumatized because they're adopted when I say I'm not, but, I'm not. I could say nothing, or say I'm traumatized too in an attempt to fit in, be a part of the cool kids, but I just can't do that. I can't do that because it's not real and it's my belief that if we aren't realistic about problems they can't realistically be improved or fixed.

When my son was younger and not feeling well I'd try and determine just how unwell he was feeling because it truly mattered in how we dealt with what was ailing him. If there was no need for medication, I didn't want to administer it. If we didn't need the doctor, what was the point in going? If it was serious, I didn't want to dismiss his pain only to have it become worse and more difficult to treat.

The measure of pain does matter. If it was fact that every adoption resulted in trauma the same way it's fact it starts out as trauma, I'd be all over it. I'd be right on board screaming in most situations it's unnecessary and wrong to do that to an innocent baby. That in most adoptions it's detrimental to the person who's been adopted. That most adopted people will be more prone than others to deviant behavior, more prone to becoming criminals, drug addicts, sex addicts, serial killers. But I won't say that, because it's not true.

I will say that accepting these tendencies as fact seems contradictory to me, contradictory to fighting discrimination and stereotyping. It's also insulting to me and hard for me to understand why it isn't insulting to all other adopted people. How is it any different than saying most mothers are teenage crack whores who don't deserve to keep their babies?

I am sorry to disappoint other adopted people by relaying my experience. If I thought it did anything to hurt the movement to reform corruption in adoption, I wouldn't relay it. Be assured that I do talk about what I've learned about coercion, loss of culture, the lack of real choice, the influence of economics, infringements of adoptee rights regarding their own information, and the very real sense of loss and abandonment some adopted people and parents experience.

My concern with the movement is the lack of credibility because of the "one size fits all or you're delusional" mentality. I think it makes it far too easy to dismiss the problems if they're not presented realistically with the least amount of sensationalism or emotion as possible. I know one of the biggest complaints is when people say "well, I know someone who's adopted and they're just fine" but like it or not, it's part of the equation. It's fact that sometimes adoption isn't the worst thing in someone's life, that it's not the big deal it certainly is to others.

To discount that fact is to jeopardize credibility and when you have no credibility, you have no trust, and if people don't trust the message or the source of it, the message is lost.