The me I might have been

A co-worker/friend and I were discussing adoption last week. We discuss (talk incessantly) about lots of things but adoption comes up fairly often for obvious reasons. This particular conversation came up as "my search guy" had called and asked if I'd heard anything from my biological mother since writing her the last letter.

The circumstances surrounding my being adopted was one of the things my co-worker and I were once again discussing and I was explaining to her that some adopted people refer to themselves as bastards and how although I have no problem with that and kind of understand why they would, why they can, but because of this it's occurred to me that had I not been adopted, it's very likely I would have been thought of and treated like I was a bastard, in the true sense of the word.

Having been born 47 years ago to a woman who was very involved in the Catholic religion, fathered by a man who was married but separated, would not have likely been the occasion of celebration most births are. I think it's safe to say that had I been kept and raised by an unmarried woman under these circumstances I would most assuredly have a different feeling about myself now. I would have grown up that grandchild, that niece, that cousin, that sister who was illegitimate, that unwanted stain of shame. I've been told that being adopted doesn't make me chosen, that my parents would have taken any child that had come up, and, I know this is true, but I was wanted and was treated by everyone in my family as if I was.

My personality type is very sensitive to negativity. I can't stand it when I think someone's mad at me although as I've matured I realize not everyone likes everyone and sometimes some people just aren't worth the effort or compromise it would take for them to like me.

I am relieved to have grown up wanted, to have grown up without an undeserved stigma, to be adopted and wanted rather than an unwanted bastard. I shudder to think of the me I might have been.