My name is Campbell and I'm an adoptee

Yep, I'm adopted. If you aren't you've likely wondered if (perhaps even hoped) you are. It's a funny thing being adopted. It kinda makes you special. Think about it. Someone is talking about adoption and you can say, "oh, I'm adopted". The reaction is always one of interest. "You are?! I didn't know that!"

I love talking about it, telling my story, what I know and what I don't know. I am from a family of three kids with two of us being adopted so I not only get to talk about the fact that I'm adopted but also about my older sibling's adoption story which is an even more interesting story than my own. See, my older sibling has actually met her birth mother and two full siblings. In fact, my whole family has met older sibling's birth mother, right in our family home! What an experience to see this woman who was very much like my older sibling. So interesting to observe the different reactions of our mom and dad, how my mom was threatened and my dad, well, not threatened in the slightest. "Hell, it's been our kid for all this time so if this changes anything, so be it". He was right. Nothing changed. Older sibling just acquired 3 new family members to be concerned with, perhaps be disappointed by, but suffice to say all curiosity was satisfied.

Another reason being adopted made me feel like I was special is that I was told so. Right from the beginning I've been aware that I'm adopted. My mom has told me it was a story they started telling me as early as I was able to understand. So, as early as I was able to tell people that I'm adopted, I did. It was around grade three that I have a memory of telling other kids and getting the predictable reaction of "your parents didn't want you!" and "that means your sister isn't your real sister because you don't have the same mom". WHAT?!?!?!?!

I went home in tears accusing my mom of lying to me, that I'd thought there was a nurse at the hospital that had babies to give to people who couldn't have them. Now the part about my parents not wanting me was easily solved. My mom and dad cleverly pointed out that not only was I specially chosen by them out of all the babies at the hospital but that the kids making fun of me parents HAD to keep them, they didn't get a choice. These kids are likely some of the people who wished they were adopted once I got through with them...

The interesting thing that came from the realization that it was a person, not "a nurse", that had given birth to me was the sense of concern I developed for this noble human being who had done the right thing for me. Was she okay? Did she have a family to love her like I did? Did she have enough food and money? Was she worried about me? This concern and basic curiosity of what she might look like were the only reasons why I ever considered maybe trying to have contact with her. For most of my life though I chose to just leave it alone. What if she hadn't told anybody? I certainly did not want to ruin her life after what she did for me. I know that she was promised confidentiality so who was I to out her? What if I did find her or other biological relatives? I'd hardly be special anymore. What if she was a horrible, needy, unstable human being who'd latch on to me and join the list of annoying, emotionally draining people I already have (that we all have) in my life? Way too risky.

Ultimately concern and curiosity got the better of me and I began to add my name to the various adoption registry just in case someone was looking for me. Nobody was. Then, after having my own child, I got a little concerned about medical history and since my province offered non-identifying biological history provided by the birth parents at the time of adoption I put in a request and received this information. It was very interesting, supplying me with details on how many people were in my biological mother's immediate family, what her personality was like, her likes and dislikes, and also a smaller amount of information that my biological father had supplied about him and his situation. Nothing very specific about health issues so not very helpful in that sense but exciting to read nonetheless.

After a few years more I decided to exchange non-identifying letters with my birth mother which turned out to be just as exciting but much more satisfying and informative. Satisfying for me in the sense that I was finally able to tell her that I'm okay, that I appreciate what she did for me and that I have a healthy attitude about being adopted and ended up having a great family and decent childhood. That I am a productive, well-adjusted adult with an amazing child of my own. It was informative in the sense that she was able to put my mind at ease with regard to her well being. That in fact the only person she'd said anything about me to was her husband and that she'd had two more children. That she didn't pine away for me and think about me every minute of every day like other mothers who have given children up for adoption claim to. In her letter she seemed intelligent, confident, emotionally stable and happy with her life. This was of great relief to me not only because these issues had crossed my mind from time to time but also because it gave me an indication of what to expect of myself as I age. The experience was pretty much perfect for the both of us except for one thing. The government agency that had facilitated our contact refused her request to let us share email addresses to engage in further anonymous conversation unless she signed away all rights to privacy which, understandably, she refused to do. On two separate occasions I spoke with the worker handling our case stating it was fine by me that she didn't sign anything and that I was perfectly content with exchanging email addresses but they denied us this stating that they had my interests at heart and that it wasn't fair to me to only have contact by email even though I made it very clear I felt not allowing it is was what felt unfair to me. My efforts were futile so for another couple of years it was left at that.

Since that time two of the most important people in my life have died, my younger brother to whom I was very close and my beloved dad. I guess the void this left got me thinking about my biological family again and I got back into searching. With the help of a local agency and much internet searching on my part I think we've found her. I may even have seen a picture of her. So, I've sent a non incriminating Christmas card extending an invitation to send me an email if she's so inclined. To date I've not heard back but it hasn't been long since I snail mailed the card.

Over the holidays I've seen one couple with their newly adopted baby, heard about another couple who've just adopted a set of twins, and was reminded of a cousin who's also adopted in the last six months. All are thrilled with the new additions, all will have stories that need telling and retelling, all will have tears to wipe away and very big questions from very little people to answer. My hope is that they take the care to make these special people feel as special as they are. That they let them know how much joy they've brought, how they are very much wanted and cherished, that they should never feel abandoned or unwanted for they truly are chosen children. That their biological mothers cared more about their baby than they did about themselves as I believe, in the majority of instances, carrying a child to term in order to give him or her up to another is one of the most selfless acts a mother can do. I hope that they are open and honest and forthcoming with information, that they have confidence in their own place in these children's hearts.

Of late I've discovered blogs by "first mothers", blogs by "adoptive parents to-be", and plan to start looking around for blogs written by other adoptees. I wanted to write this post prior to doing too much investigating as I was really affected by the couple of blogs I read regarding adoption. I was exposed to views that were so far removed from my own that it left me feeling shocked and, to be honest, a little angry.

The post you've just read is as untainted a perception of adoption as I have to offer and I wholeheartedly invite your feedback, contrary to my opinion or not, from whatever perspective you're coming from. Til then I'm off to scour adoption related blogs with an open mind and tempered commentary but with determination to retain my positive outlook on the gift of a child.