And that's the truth

This morning I read a post where a non-adopted blogger discusses adoptee obituaries, how not including in the obituary the fact that the subject of it is adopted renders the obituary an untrue story. "Case closed".

The blogger goes on to say that by not including adoption in the obituary it relegates the adoptee's biological mothers to "uteri passing by". Seems to me if this is a concern for a mother it's a problem easily solved. Include the child you gave up for adoption in your own obituary.

I've decided to write about this here for two reasons, one being I have quite a bit to say and the second is that the blogger asked adoptees to allow birth/first/natural mothers their own emotions and feelings on her blog. Fair enough.

See, what the blogger seems unable to grasp is that for some of us adoptees our adoptive parents are in fact our parents. True story.

The lack of adoptive status in my obituary won't be an attempt to feel "more" a part of my family. I couldn't possibly feel any more a part of my family than I already do.

If I were to drop dead tomorrow and my obituary read that I am predeceased by my brother and father, survived by my mother and sister, son and husband, it wouldn't be a "fairy tale version with white-washed facts". That's what these people are. My parents, my family.

Why would I in death start to preface what they are to me with the word "adoptive" when I never did in life? Not only would it not be something I'd have to "request" be left out, it wouldn't even occur to anyone to put it in my obituary.

I agree that the dead often give up the best clues in searching, in fact I've taken advantage of the dead in that way myself and the word adoption wasn't mentioned in any of the obits I've found helpful. If after I'm dead someone searching or doing genealogy is interested in knowing if I'm adopted, they are more than welcome to ask my family and friends. My being adopted is not a secret to any of them.

Not mentioning being adopted in my obituary will not obliterate the reality that I am, and it doesnt say that being adopted didnt make a difference in my life. What bigger difference could there be than having an entirely different group of people than I am biologically related to named as family in my obit?

My not saying I am adopted in my obituary has absolutely nothing to do with original birth certificates nor does it feed into an idea of "sacrosanct right" of "privacy" and "anonymity" for mothers from the children they gave up for adoption.

I can understand adopted people who want to address their adoptedness or biological family members in their obituaries. I can think of numerous scenarios where it would make sense and the blogger's I've referenced scenario is just one of them. If my sister asked me to be sure her bio family was mentioned in her obit, I would do everything in my power to ensure it happened.

The truth for me though is that my parents are my parents and my brother and sister are my siblings. In my obituary, there will be no need for the word "adoptive", just as there is no need for it in life.

If your son or daughter is adopted and you tragically outlive him or her, don't just "say so" in their obituary, as the blogger referenced here suggests.

If it's not something you've talked about, go with your gut. If its not been your practise to refer to your child or yourself as adoptive, why would you start now?

If it's something you've talked about and you know your son or daughter wants their adoption addressed in their obituary, do all you can to make it happen.

Perhaps it's one of those things that people should talk about with their loved ones, especially if one feels strongly either way.

Personally, I am strongly against using the word adoptive when describing familial relationships or connections....unless it's necessary in order to differentiate or is what the adopted person wants.