When I used to consider searching for my biological people, mother in particular, one of the deterrents was ending up with two mothers giving me heartburn. Twice the hassle. More family to worry about, answer to. Do I really want two mothers? What if the second one is even more difficult than the first? Well, believe it or not, I found myself in just such a situation this past week.
I'm sitting with my husband and brother-in-law at a nice outdoor patio, about to devour a pitcher of sangria. The sun is shining, I'm away on a short holiday and this is our first day there.
Part of the reason we've visited at this time is that my biological mother is also visiting this particular city. We've been in touch about getting together and it's supposed to happen at some point. We will arrange something via text once I arrive.
Back to my patio.
I'm rocking my shades, laughing with hubby and bro-in-law, sipping sangria, and soaking up the sun when it happens. My cell phone rings.
That's not supposed to happen when I am away. Who'd call me on my cell when I'm away when I rarely get calls when I'm at home? Home care for my mom, that's who would call. My mom isn't answering her phone, her door, they made an appointment earlier in the morning for that day, would she really forget within a few hours? Hmm, not likely. I call my mom's cell, scrounge for her boyfriend's number then call him, then his cell, and finally reach him. Nope, he'd just been to my mom's and she hadn't answered and her car was there. He'd been told to bring her a loaf of bread but now he was on his way home.
Damn. This is bad. I look at my phone. I haven't charged it since the night before and the battery is lower but not too bad. I call my son to see where he is, can he zip to grandma's to see what's going on? I have a key to her place but it's at my house. Maybe if I call the office of her apartment building they'll let my son in. Better yet, maybe they'll just go in to see what's going on because it's going to take my son a good half an hour to get to my mom's. I tell my son to head to grandma's and I'll call him back. I locate and call the office of my mom's apartment. They're reluctant to go in but understand that the situation could be serious and saving time could be critical. They will check and call me back.
I check my charge on my battery. Getting lower all the time. I just need it to hang on until the office calls me back. I still need to call home care, my mom's boyfriend, and my son back. I'm trying to stay calm but my stomach is in knots. I am 99% sure something is seriously wrong and as all possible scenarios are swirling in my head, I receive a text. Oh no, I don't have the battery charge for this.
It's my biological mother, returning my "we're here" text I'd sent when we'd gotten into town. What are my plans? Did I want to get together that day? What did I want to do? What were we doing right now? Ugh...this CAN'T be happening.
I start to text back what's going on with my mom, I may have to head back home etc. and it's impossible. Too many details for a text and I can't call as I am waiting to hear back and cannot miss that call. So, I make arrangements to meet up later with bio mom while worrying my mom mom is laying dead in her apartment. Crazy! Everything ultimately turned out alright, my mom did need help but it wasn't life threatening and the visit with bio mom went well but for a moment or two, I couldn't believe that what I dreaded was actually happening.
Friday
"Ban spanking outright, CMA journal urges"
Now this is what I like to see. Boooo @ spanking
Yeah yeah, I know, your parents spanked you and you turned out fine.
Yeah yeah, I know, your parents spanked you and you turned out fine.
Tuesday
Are you coping with a difficult, aging parent? How do you stay sane?
It's been a while since I've written here. I've thought about it but just haven't had much to say that was suitable to share publicly.
To say I've been struggling in my relationship with my mom would be an understatement and because of this I've been doing a lot of soul searching and a bit of whining. Ok, maybe its the other way around, you'd have to ask my poor husband.
How people affect us affects those around us, I think we can all agree that's a fact.
In my marriage to my son's dad I reached that point where I needed to shut up about all the difficulties, people had listened enough. I either needed to do something about the bad relationship or quit putting it on everyone else by constantly talking about our issues. Ultimately, I did something about it and got out of the marriage.
What does a person do when the difficult person in your life is a parent? I know some people just walk away, cut the parent out of their life but I just can't. My conscience won't allow it. So, how do I cope?
How do we deal with an aging, difficult parent? I googled it and found an article written on the subject. Judging by the hundreds of ongoing comments at the piece, I am not alone, something I found comforting,
I will figure it out. Figure out how to be myself yet disassociate (as much as possible) emotionally. Figure out how to utilize my support system without alienating and driving everyone crazy.
I will not let my difficult parent turn me into the kind of person who is a complete drag to be around.
All women are not mother material and I am not the only person who's never had the perfect mom for me.
How do you cope?
To say I've been struggling in my relationship with my mom would be an understatement and because of this I've been doing a lot of soul searching and a bit of whining. Ok, maybe its the other way around, you'd have to ask my poor husband.
How people affect us affects those around us, I think we can all agree that's a fact.
In my marriage to my son's dad I reached that point where I needed to shut up about all the difficulties, people had listened enough. I either needed to do something about the bad relationship or quit putting it on everyone else by constantly talking about our issues. Ultimately, I did something about it and got out of the marriage.
What does a person do when the difficult person in your life is a parent? I know some people just walk away, cut the parent out of their life but I just can't. My conscience won't allow it. So, how do I cope?
How do we deal with an aging, difficult parent? I googled it and found an article written on the subject. Judging by the hundreds of ongoing comments at the piece, I am not alone, something I found comforting,
I will figure it out. Figure out how to be myself yet disassociate (as much as possible) emotionally. Figure out how to utilize my support system without alienating and driving everyone crazy.
I will not let my difficult parent turn me into the kind of person who is a complete drag to be around.
All women are not mother material and I am not the only person who's never had the perfect mom for me.
How do you cope?
When was the last time you were around a day old baby?
My stepson and daughter-in-law recently has their first child. Wow, what a great experience. Full of many emotions, thoughts, memories, especially for us mother types.
It was when my son mentioned that he'd not ever been around a baby that was less than two full days old it occurred to me that most of us aren't around newborns very often. We're usually only around newborn babies when they're our own or one of our children's children.
When its our own baby, it can quite often have been many, many years ago. Memory fails us, or fades just enough that our facts our shaky or our ideas and knowledge outdated. Some things never change, I know, but the exact details of the way things were very often do.
I clearly remember looking into my son's eyes at birth, just how dark and inquiring they were. I remember my anxieties over a newborn, anxieties about starvation and choking. I remember the concern I had when my son slept a little too long, is he still breathing?
I took my mom to visit my new granddaughter yesterday. She's a sleepy baby. Tickles and whispers in the ear have no effect on this little angel, when she's out, she's out. So cute.
The new message for "safe sleep" is pretty much baby on its back with nothing but a sleeper. No swaddling, no pillows or blankets, no toys, no nuthin'! It makes sense to me although that's not how I did it 22 years ago. Live and learn, as they say. It's the way it should be, learning from the past and doing things better.
On the way home from my stepson's my mom and I discussed the fact that she didn't have me at home as a newly born newborn. A month makes a big difference. Mom talked about how we "boarder" babies didn't get the same attention as the other babies, perhaps that's why when I came home I pretty much slept through the night on my own. It's definitely why I had sores on my face because "I slept on unbleached cotton sheets that didn't get changed often enough".
Hmm. I take all this with a grain of salt. Obviously it could be true but I don't consider my mom an excellent source of factual information on any other subject so why would I assume this scenario was true. Not that it couldn't be, I just can't be sure.
Being around my new to the world granddaughter has reconfirmed my belief that although newborn babies could possibly recognize their mother's smell or voice, they don't feel loss when they aren't in her arms or presence. They aren't born perfect little nursers who automatically latch on to their mothers' breasts and they are totally cool with any Tom, Dick or Harry holding them. It's as they grow they begin to recognize people, become attached to parents and other family members.
Love and healthy attachment aren't just a given. Good parent/child relationships take time and energy to develop, it's not something that's just handed to you along with your baby upon giving birth.
You may be attached to your baby but don't kid yourself into thinking your baby is magically attached to you. You have to be there, do the work, thus developing a bond of love and trust.
If it's that way with newborns who've had no bad experience with adults, with anyone, how can people not realize how difficult it will be for older kids who've been screwed around by their "natural" parents for years or were never really cared for at all by them, have been let down by adult after adult their entire young lives.
It's so beautiful witnessing a much wanted baby become familiar with the world and her good, caring parents. It's a treat to be given the chance to develop a grandparental relationship.
I'm a very lucky woman...in spite of the fact I quite likely slept on pukey, stiff sheets for the first month of my life.
It was when my son mentioned that he'd not ever been around a baby that was less than two full days old it occurred to me that most of us aren't around newborns very often. We're usually only around newborn babies when they're our own or one of our children's children.
When its our own baby, it can quite often have been many, many years ago. Memory fails us, or fades just enough that our facts our shaky or our ideas and knowledge outdated. Some things never change, I know, but the exact details of the way things were very often do.
I clearly remember looking into my son's eyes at birth, just how dark and inquiring they were. I remember my anxieties over a newborn, anxieties about starvation and choking. I remember the concern I had when my son slept a little too long, is he still breathing?
I took my mom to visit my new granddaughter yesterday. She's a sleepy baby. Tickles and whispers in the ear have no effect on this little angel, when she's out, she's out. So cute.
The new message for "safe sleep" is pretty much baby on its back with nothing but a sleeper. No swaddling, no pillows or blankets, no toys, no nuthin'! It makes sense to me although that's not how I did it 22 years ago. Live and learn, as they say. It's the way it should be, learning from the past and doing things better.
On the way home from my stepson's my mom and I discussed the fact that she didn't have me at home as a newly born newborn. A month makes a big difference. Mom talked about how we "boarder" babies didn't get the same attention as the other babies, perhaps that's why when I came home I pretty much slept through the night on my own. It's definitely why I had sores on my face because "I slept on unbleached cotton sheets that didn't get changed often enough".
Hmm. I take all this with a grain of salt. Obviously it could be true but I don't consider my mom an excellent source of factual information on any other subject so why would I assume this scenario was true. Not that it couldn't be, I just can't be sure.
Being around my new to the world granddaughter has reconfirmed my belief that although newborn babies could possibly recognize their mother's smell or voice, they don't feel loss when they aren't in her arms or presence. They aren't born perfect little nursers who automatically latch on to their mothers' breasts and they are totally cool with any Tom, Dick or Harry holding them. It's as they grow they begin to recognize people, become attached to parents and other family members.
Love and healthy attachment aren't just a given. Good parent/child relationships take time and energy to develop, it's not something that's just handed to you along with your baby upon giving birth.
You may be attached to your baby but don't kid yourself into thinking your baby is magically attached to you. You have to be there, do the work, thus developing a bond of love and trust.
If it's that way with newborns who've had no bad experience with adults, with anyone, how can people not realize how difficult it will be for older kids who've been screwed around by their "natural" parents for years or were never really cared for at all by them, have been let down by adult after adult their entire young lives.
It's so beautiful witnessing a much wanted baby become familiar with the world and her good, caring parents. It's a treat to be given the chance to develop a grandparental relationship.
I'm a very lucky woman...in spite of the fact I quite likely slept on pukey, stiff sheets for the first month of my life.
Sunday
The Perfect Dad For Me
It's Father's Day and I want to tell you a bit about my good dad.
What I say about my dad most likely would differ from what my sister or brother would say.
Quite often one child sees a parent differently than another, with many dynamics influencing the relationship. Gender, interests, sense of humor, birth order, and temperament are all factors in parent/child relationships. Also, relationships can change over time, for example I think had my brother not died so young he and my/our dad may have grown even closer as my brother spent more time being a father.
Anyway, that said, here's what I want to say about my dad.
My dad was the perfect dad for me. I know I disappointed him sometimes but I also know he truly forgave me when I did. My dad was completely dedicated to me, to all of his kids, to our family.
I know this because we talked about it once while canoeing. At this point in life I was a grown woman and mom. The conversation started out with me admonishing him for being snarky with my mom, before she even did anything annoying, almost in anticipation. I told him it made him look bad and if he was so angry with my mom, why hadn't they just split up ages ago and put everyone out of their misery?
Well, I never expected the response I got and will never forget it.
He told me there was no way he'd have ever left us kids. That if he and my mom had split up, there's no way back then he'd have gotten custody of us. He'd made a commitment to my brother and sister and I and no matter how difficult his life was being married to my mom, he would never have left us alone with her, never have put his own needs ahead of ours. In his mind, he was one of our needs.
Wow.
And that was just the biggie.
My dad also coached my softball teams and never complained about the shit bag lunches I grudgingly made him. He came out to watch me participate in everything I did, and sincerely forgave me when I messed up. My dad set an example of being hard working, honest, and kind to others. He taught me about short term pain for long term gain and about pride in integrity.
I learned from him to walk away from trouble but that there's also times when there's a need for dropping the gloves to fight for myself or what's right. Yeah, at times there was a generation gap between Dad's and my beliefs but he understood and accepted that. Another lesson learned.
My dad was the most excellent grandfather to my son. How fortunate to have had a dad who provided my son with such a positive male role model. Oh how grandpa is missed.
My dad taught my son and I about finding joy in the smallest of things, a perfect butter tart or a pair of socks wrapped up for Christmas.
I was fortunate to see my dad in two lights, the frugal, hard working husband and father and the retired, laid back, "let me by you a drink" father and grandfather.
I loved dancing with my dad. Who didn't?
As an adult in the home I have now I loved preparing him a special meal, bringing him a cup of coffee, mixing him a perfect rum and coke, not too strong. He was always so appreciative, got so much out of being here with me, my husband, and my son, his grandson, his partner.
One of my last memories of dad was of him sitting here in my living room, smile on his face, and him telling me how much he loved being in my home. I cherish that and all my other memories of my dad.
I am so lucky to have had the perfect dad for me.
Happy Father's Day to all you good dads out there. You rock.
What I say about my dad most likely would differ from what my sister or brother would say.
Quite often one child sees a parent differently than another, with many dynamics influencing the relationship. Gender, interests, sense of humor, birth order, and temperament are all factors in parent/child relationships. Also, relationships can change over time, for example I think had my brother not died so young he and my/our dad may have grown even closer as my brother spent more time being a father.
Anyway, that said, here's what I want to say about my dad.
My dad was the perfect dad for me. I know I disappointed him sometimes but I also know he truly forgave me when I did. My dad was completely dedicated to me, to all of his kids, to our family.
I know this because we talked about it once while canoeing. At this point in life I was a grown woman and mom. The conversation started out with me admonishing him for being snarky with my mom, before she even did anything annoying, almost in anticipation. I told him it made him look bad and if he was so angry with my mom, why hadn't they just split up ages ago and put everyone out of their misery?
Well, I never expected the response I got and will never forget it.
He told me there was no way he'd have ever left us kids. That if he and my mom had split up, there's no way back then he'd have gotten custody of us. He'd made a commitment to my brother and sister and I and no matter how difficult his life was being married to my mom, he would never have left us alone with her, never have put his own needs ahead of ours. In his mind, he was one of our needs.
Wow.
And that was just the biggie.
My dad also coached my softball teams and never complained about the shit bag lunches I grudgingly made him. He came out to watch me participate in everything I did, and sincerely forgave me when I messed up. My dad set an example of being hard working, honest, and kind to others. He taught me about short term pain for long term gain and about pride in integrity.
I learned from him to walk away from trouble but that there's also times when there's a need for dropping the gloves to fight for myself or what's right. Yeah, at times there was a generation gap between Dad's and my beliefs but he understood and accepted that. Another lesson learned.
My dad was the most excellent grandfather to my son. How fortunate to have had a dad who provided my son with such a positive male role model. Oh how grandpa is missed.
My dad taught my son and I about finding joy in the smallest of things, a perfect butter tart or a pair of socks wrapped up for Christmas.
I was fortunate to see my dad in two lights, the frugal, hard working husband and father and the retired, laid back, "let me by you a drink" father and grandfather.
I loved dancing with my dad. Who didn't?
As an adult in the home I have now I loved preparing him a special meal, bringing him a cup of coffee, mixing him a perfect rum and coke, not too strong. He was always so appreciative, got so much out of being here with me, my husband, and my son, his grandson, his partner.
One of my last memories of dad was of him sitting here in my living room, smile on his face, and him telling me how much he loved being in my home. I cherish that and all my other memories of my dad.
I am so lucky to have had the perfect dad for me.
Happy Father's Day to all you good dads out there. You rock.
Avenge This
While visiting with my son this afternoon the movie The Avengers came up. I mentioned the big deal the "he's adopted line" from the movie has caused online, with some people being offended, others offended at those that are offended.
Surprise to me my son said he knew. What? How'd you know, I asked him. I know he doesn't intentionally read adoption related blogs and articles. Does this mean the issues people have with the line are so far reaching that average people can't help but notice the cries of discrimination against adoptees?
Well, yup. That's what him knowing about the controversy means.
It's no surprise I want to know what he thinks of the line, how he took it when they watched the movie. For starters, he made it clear how the whole theatre, including him, burst out laughing. Must have been some delivery.
My son went on to say he doesn't at all understand the big deal being made out of the line. That he didn't feel that it was meant to be derogatory against adoptees, that it in any way said people who are adopted will become murdering machines solely because they are adopted.
Having not seen the movie I could only speculate on what my reaction would be based on everything I've read online. What I thought of immediately is how I couldn't begin to count the number of times I've said, "I'm adopted" with my hands in the air as a response to some family member doing something stupid, bad, embarrassing, whatever.
I thought, well, why is it ok if I do it but it isn't if an imaginary superhero does. Things is, it is ok that it was said. It wasn't meant to insult or discriminate against adopted people. It's something that's jokingly said to distance one's self from a family member who's effed something up and much of the time it's said by the adoptee them self.
Why do we have to make a big deal out of nothing when there are real issues to make a big deal out of? Like denial of access to our own records of birth and adoption.
Now that's something anyone can get their head around. Really. Anyone I've ever asked agrees that every human being has the right to know the circumstances of their birth and who their biological parents are.
Problem is is that they won't hear us if they have their fingers in their ears and are saying stfu you bunch of whiners.
Surprise to me my son said he knew. What? How'd you know, I asked him. I know he doesn't intentionally read adoption related blogs and articles. Does this mean the issues people have with the line are so far reaching that average people can't help but notice the cries of discrimination against adoptees?
Well, yup. That's what him knowing about the controversy means.
It's no surprise I want to know what he thinks of the line, how he took it when they watched the movie. For starters, he made it clear how the whole theatre, including him, burst out laughing. Must have been some delivery.
My son went on to say he doesn't at all understand the big deal being made out of the line. That he didn't feel that it was meant to be derogatory against adoptees, that it in any way said people who are adopted will become murdering machines solely because they are adopted.
Having not seen the movie I could only speculate on what my reaction would be based on everything I've read online. What I thought of immediately is how I couldn't begin to count the number of times I've said, "I'm adopted" with my hands in the air as a response to some family member doing something stupid, bad, embarrassing, whatever.
I thought, well, why is it ok if I do it but it isn't if an imaginary superhero does. Things is, it is ok that it was said. It wasn't meant to insult or discriminate against adopted people. It's something that's jokingly said to distance one's self from a family member who's effed something up and much of the time it's said by the adoptee them self.
Why do we have to make a big deal out of nothing when there are real issues to make a big deal out of? Like denial of access to our own records of birth and adoption.
Now that's something anyone can get their head around. Really. Anyone I've ever asked agrees that every human being has the right to know the circumstances of their birth and who their biological parents are.
Problem is is that they won't hear us if they have their fingers in their ears and are saying stfu you bunch of whiners.
Friday
Birth Moms ... On TLC
Anyone watch it?
Yikes. I can only imagine what will happen in blogland. Tons of crying on the show, girls giving up babies they'd rather keep, schlepping already born being raised babies to interviews with PAPS, asking PAPS to never tell adoptee it's adopted, thieving, alcohol swigging pregnant birth mothers, all taking place in Salt Lake City.
Wowzer. I did not know what to think. One thing, I didn't share a tear along with the young moms. Not sure why. One of them was a pretty cool kid who just didn't have the means to raise two kids.
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