I hope other people will read this and learn something about adopting and that this boy will finally have somewhere to live that’s good for him. If the boy truly was begging not to be there and meant it, I’m glad he’s getting out.
It’s a huge deal to adopt kids. They are already without a family. Don’t adopt unless you KNOW you’ll be seeing it through to the end.
I'm glad this post is there. I hope potential adoptive parents reading it are honest with themselves while doing so and ask themselves tough questions instead of just reading and saying, “wow, that sucks but it wouldn’t happen in my house”. IT COULD, and there are ramifications for every single person involved in the adoption which includes the kids you’re already raising.
I wrote a post to a friend who is thinking of adopting and here’s the link in case it helps someone avoid this type of situation.
http://campbellscoup.blogspot.com/2010/09/dear-friend.html
Sunday
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Absolutely! This is not OK! Child abandonment is not OK. It doesn't matter who's child or how they came to you, it is not ok to walk away from a child. Especially one you consciously chose to raise, as in the case of adoption.
ReplyDeleteIt is not OK!!!
If that child was biologically theirs they could not "dissolve" anything. I don't care what he did or did not do. He became THEIR child and THEIR responsibility the moment they signed those papers. people should not have the option to "re-home" your kid like they can with a pet!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Thank you for the recent support Campbell. Means a lot to me.
ReplyDeleteCampbell,
ReplyDeletePeople always assume 'it will never happen to me' and don't stop and take the time to research and understand that adoption is not a magical wand that wipes away everything before.
The adoption industry needs to change how they operate. Every business in the world knows that continual improvement is mandatory and that you learn from the past to make a better future. I know I sound like a broken record at times but doing things right and for the right reasons matters a lot...especially in adoption.
Campbell B thank YOU for all the light you shed on what the journey can be like for a former foster kid.
ReplyDeleteTreat yourself well girl. You're worth it : )
This is just so sad. This boy is the same age as my oldest son (my son was in 2nd grade 5 years ago.) This is a lifetime to a child of this age. I don't believe he will ever recover from this. I hope these people realize this, truly realize what they are doing.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I do want to point out is that commenter Jenna on the original post is right - bio kids are made wards of the state in order to get psychological help. However, the difference is, they are not being adopted by another family! Their parents are doing what needs to be done in order to get them help. I'm not sure why that couldn't be done in this case if the boy has severe emotional/psychological problems. Also, in many if not most of those cases, the child is violent and a danger to himself or others. This family says this boy is not a danger - so why is it necessary to disrupt???
I don't like to judge when I don't know all the facts, but in my opinion, adopted children must be afforded the same rights and care as bio kids. If you have an extremely disturbed bio child, you move heaven and earth to do what is best for the child even if it means making them a ward of the state to get them help. You don't "re-home" them. I don't understand why anyone thinks it should be different for adopted children.
I have tons of sympathy for parents of troubled children (being part of the autism/special needs community I see it all the time IRL and online). However, I have little sympathy for a family who makes the choice to give their troubled child away. Grow up, you are the parents!
This makes me so sad.
ReplyDeleteI DO understand some disruptions. If a the situation is unsafe, if family members are being abused... then yes, the situation needs to change.
Sometimes a child's needs can be met safely in one home but not another. (For example, a child who sexually assaults younger children might actually be capable of living in a family without other kids, rather than being permanently institutionalized.) In those cases, finding the child a new permanent family can be the kindest thing.
This is NOT that sort of situation, though. No one is in danger. No one is being physically harmed. It's just not working out the way the parents had hoped, and they're giving up.
I completely believe them that the child begged to leave. Most foster-adopted children will at some point, in my experience. It's called "testing." When a child has learned everyone is untrustworthy, they will push you away to try to make the abandonment happen on their own terms, because abandonment of some kind seems inevitable.
The correct answer from the parent is, "Family doesn't work that way; this is permanent." Gradually, the child usually learns to trust, because no matter how hard they push they won't be dumped.
It's a tough road. I would never claim it's easy. But I wish that if this family wasn't prepared to commit to it for the long haul no matter what, they wouldn't have taken five years of this child's life and then bounced him along again.
-Z
I have to ask at what point do we trust that this boy knows this is not the family for him? There's no mention of it in the post but does he have a therapist and what do they think is best for him?
ReplyDeleteIs his mental well being in jeopardy by staying in this family?
One key piece of information being left out is what does the boy want?
Cheryl
I read the GIMH post, and don't quite get what was supposedly wrong with the child. From the information given, it sounds like he just didn't quite fit, was the wrong style, like a sweater you return after Christmas, or "re-gift" to someone else hoping they like it. If not, it is not your sweater or problem any more.
ReplyDeleteI find the idea of "re-homing" repulsive, and that there are sites for this dangerous. How do these amateur placements differ from a pedophile network passing kids around, or someone just dumping a pet they no longer want on anyone who might take it, with good intent or not.
I fully agree with Campbell that this is the kind of thing that needs to be addressed and prevented before adopting, not 5 year later. This really makes the idea of adoption creating "forever families" a sick lie.
There seems to be a new victim class on the internet, crying and seeking pity, those who "had to" disrupt the adoption because the child did not attach to them. The clear message is that the child failed in his obligation to love them, not that they failed the child, and are walking away from someone they legally swore to care for forever. They seek pity and understanding, but we never hear the voice of the child being discarded and cut out of their lives and responsibility.
I find it alarming that this behavior is being praised and normalized, and that those doing it are seen as "brave" and "honest" for telling the world about it. Sometimes, shame at bad behavior has its place. This is one of those cases.
Poor little boy, he is who I care about.
"Especially one you consciously chose to raise, as in the case of adoption." ~ I'm never quite there with this one, to me it makes no difference, adopted or bio, the responsibility to the welfare of the child is the same.
ReplyDelete"If that child was biologically theirs they could not "dissolve" anything." ~ This gets me too. The child didn't just fall from the sky, he was/is bio to someone. How did he get to live with this family? Someone bio dissolved something.
"The adoption industry needs to change how they operate" ~Yes, yes, and yes. One of the most important things to do is to PROPERLY screen the people who are adopting and continue to monitor them periodically. To find families for kids, not kids for families!
"People always assume 'it will never happen to me'." ~ Yep, and that's their business when it's actually happening to them and not their children. When what will happen affects children people have an obligation to set aside their own desires and egos. If you can't, DON'T EFFING PARENT!!
"I have tons of sympathy for parents of troubled children ...However, I have little sympathy for a family who makes the choice to give their troubled child away." ~ I know, it's very tough to conjure up any sympathy for anyone but the kids in this family.
"I DO understand some disruptions. If a the situation is unsafe, if family members are being abused... then yes, the situation needs to change." ~You're right in saying this but the problem is, disruptions are entirely avoidable. Do NOT adopt if it puts your family at risk, if you're unqualified to cope with troubled kids, if you have predetermined fantasies on what attachment is, if you haven't gotten an accurate assessment on the child's needs, if you're kidding yourself about being informed, if you're not in a position to see it through no matter what.
"But I wish that if this family wasn't prepared to commit to it for the long haul no matter what, they wouldn't have taken five years of this child's life and then bounced him along again." ~ It could be argued that by waiting so long, they "gave it a chance". That had they given up before 5 years it wouldn't have been long enough. I can see it both ways and don't know what's worse. I just hope that the boy REALLY wanted to leave and wasn't just testing to see if they would let him down cause if so, they did.
"I read the GIMH post, and don't quite get what was supposedly wrong with the child" ~Me either. Perhaps they were being vague to protect the child's privacy....one can hope?
"I find the idea of "re-homing" repulsive, and that there are sites for this dangerous". ~I too find this repulsive and just can't understand how it can be permitted to carry on. And, if it's because people cannot legally and transparently "get out of" adoptions they shouldn't be in, change the friggin law! It's NOT SAFE!!
"You're right in saying this but the problem is, disruptions are entirely avoidable. Do NOT adopt if it puts your family at risk, if you're unqualified to cope with troubled kids, if you have predetermined fantasies on what attachment is, if you haven't gotten an accurate assessment on the child's needs, if you're kidding yourself about being informed, if you're not in a position to see it through no matter what."
ReplyDeleteCampbell, while this is true in theory, foster care cases aren't always this straightforward.
Sometimes it's not possible to get an "accurate assessment of the child's needs" because no one knows. Not everything has been reported or disclosed. (For example, a family whose children are removed for drugs aren't likely to get themselves further in trouble by saying, "By the way, I molested him too, so watch out for sexual issues." A child who has not been caught perpetrating in the past may not just randomly confess so the adults will know. And so on.) Sometimes caseworkers fudge, even if everything should be on the table.
It's not always possible to know if your disclosure is complete or truthful. You don't always know it isn't accurate until something you actually see contradicts it.
Also, regardless of the existing family structure (no younger kids, trained adults, etc.) the fact is that many kids in foster care are sibling groups. Short of a mandatory split of every sibling group that comes into care, there's no way to guarantee the ideal position of that child being the youngest in the family.
Like I said, you're right... in theory. It's just that in my experience things get a lot messier when you're dealing with the system as it is now. Disruption should be an absolute horrible last resort. It should be absolutely rare. But to say it's ALWAYS preventable in my opinion sadly does not match reality.
-Z
Oh you're right Z, it's not realistic to say disruption is ALWAYS preventable, but they are avoidable.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine this family was prepared for whatever went on, if they were, the disruption wouldn't have happened. Nobody knows what they are getting in any child whether by birth or by adoption.
If you end up looking on underground internet sites for someone to take your kid who hasn't attached to you it's a pretty good guess you weren't prepared to see it through to the end.
Everything you say is true, and I appreciate you saying it because it's important for people to realize, but nobody holds guns to people's heads to take on the responsibility of raising kids.
I feel like these people made a mistake adopting that child and let him down, just as the people who created him did.
Hey Campbell
ReplyDeleteIts interesting you should post on this topic I was searching adoption.com reunion registry looking up one of my coworkers birthdays when of course I saw a match (father and son) so I called the son on my way home tonight. He was totally shocked and happy then I said the name of his father and he goes "oh, that's my adopted father from my first family; I was adopted again at 5." I
I would have fell out of my chair if I had not been standing in front of my office sucking on a Marlboro so I coughed instead. My first thought was "he does not sound all drunk and f-d up because I'd be drunk and f-d up if that happened to me" I acted like lots of people who adopt search reunion boards for their missing kids "did you need his number then?" So he'd just stop by his 1st adopted father's house on his way home from work as he does not live far from the house they all lived in and he asked me to say the address given in their registry post for him and aparently it was the same. For me it just was not as exciting telling someone their adopted parents were looking for them. He wass very optomistic and said "Its one step closet to the real thing right? They may have information that will help me in my search."
I'm THINKING "way to see the silver lining in your big black thumnder cloud buddy You are on so much prozac." He was really genuinely sweet and grateful to know that they wanted to talk with him and he was really appreciative that I called to inform him about the match.
So not being able to mind my own business and knowing I could go home and at least tell him his real name and the last name of his mother and father I asked if he'd like me to email is the registration info off his birth record. He was blown away. So I just sent him the email with his names and the last names of his parents his fake records are messed up and missing, I felt good about telling him those names especially since his real last name his father's name is very very Italian. If I had to imagine my relatives based on what I knew about their country from books and movies I'd be kind of bummed to pull the Flemish card. You'd really have to work hard researching to get any meat off the bone with Flemish heritage. But Italy, with all its fantastic sights and smells and sounds, it would start to take the edge off the hunger for information right away, no effort required. He was over the moon. Over the moon to get his name and his mom and dad's name's.
Hah that's a great story Marilyn, thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou're funny, "....I'd be kind of bummed to pull the Flemish card. You'd really have to work hard researching to get any meat off the bone with Flemish heritage."
These disruption justification stories never cease to cut me to the core. The piece you linked focuses more on how a new family was chosen rather than what in the world was done to help him adjust for 5 years. Even if he was begging to not be in the family and meant it...what was done to reassure him that this family was permanent? My oldest daughter begged to go back to China and tested me to no end to see if that was possible. She meant it. The transition felt too hard, too big, too scary, too much. I can't imagine where we would be if I replied to her pleas- Well, if you really want to go back then we will see what we can do.
ReplyDeleteI don't know Campbell. I fear these kind of essays do more to normalize disruption than they do to educate prospective adoptive parents.
You might be right Diane. I hope not, because then I shouldn't have linked to it.
ReplyDeleteI just find it so senseless and entirely avoidable if people are honest with themselves before making the decision to adopt, to commit to the long haul like yourself and others.
Did your oldest daughter beg to go back to China for that long?
Campbell,
ReplyDeleteI hope I am not right too.
My oldest daughter will have been home 4 years next month. She gave up the idea of going back to China after she lost her Chinese language fluency. But, that didn’t stop her from continuing to test my permanence, my trustworthiness, my general ability to care for her, my ability to deal with her trauma and skeletons...and so on and so forth. She concocted many a runaway play. We are thick as thieves now but that doesn’t stop those still fleeting moments of wondering if the family floor will fall out beneath her.
My little one is going through a phase of meltdowns over not wanting to go away to college. She is 7. This had led to multiple discussions about the wonders of college but if and when she decides...she can chose not to go. I tell her we can work out a great job plan from home.
I have been asked in so many ways, so many times, to prove myself as a permanent fixture as a parent. Is it always fun? No. It is sometimes extremely difficult? Yes. Is it what I signed up for? Absolutely.
Diane, you mentioned running away. I was just recently thinking about how many of my friends spent their youth running away to where they thought their parents would be. I mean they almost all did. Now remember that I don't know any totally at-ease adopted people except Campbell, so I'm careful not to say ALL kids with missing parents do that. But I mean like starting real young like 5 years old my friends were taking off to go to Santa Cruz or New York or Florida where ever that missing parent was said to have last been seen. They have no plan for finding the missing parent which is funny to me, but I'm practicle that way. Also none of them had bad home lives with the people raising them. All real nice people, either adopted parents or step parents sometimes just a single mother or father, its not like they had done anything wrong, the kids just split to find the person or people that were suppose to be taking care of them. I don't know what to make of it other than, they are all quite well adjusted adults. I'm all screwed up, so these run-away friends of mine are well adjusted by my funky drop-out-and-scrape-happily-by-with-mismatched dishes-and-a-couch-from-Goodwill-Goodwill kind of standards.
ReplyDeleteI ran away as a teen but it didn't have anything to do with being adopted. Last thing I was looking for was a mother lol
ReplyDeleteYes getting away from authority. I get it. I don't know if you noticed what I wrote specifically. Each of these friends ran away headed towards the town where their missing parent was said to be from but they had no specific plans for finding them. In fact not one of these friends was going in search of their parent, when they told me were they had run to I said why in each of the 3 instances I'm thinking of it was just that they needed to go back to where they belonged now I'm paraphrasing, but that oddly the location seemed to be the thing drawing them. They were like little homing pigeons. I'd like to think that they were searching for the parent. But with you I'm being specific to say, they did not set out to look for their mom's and dad (2 & 1). Maybe they thought people like themselves fit in there in that place.
ReplyDelete