It's been a while since I've written here. I've thought about it but just haven't had much to say that was suitable to share publicly.
To say I've been struggling in my relationship with my mom would be an understatement and because of this I've been doing a lot of soul searching and a bit of whining. Ok, maybe its the other way around, you'd have to ask my poor husband.
How people affect us affects those around us, I think we can all agree that's a fact.
In my marriage to my son's dad I reached that point where I needed to shut up about all the difficulties, people had listened enough. I either needed to do something about the bad relationship or quit putting it on everyone else by constantly talking about our issues. Ultimately, I did something about it and got out of the marriage.
What does a person do when the difficult person in your life is a parent? I know some people just walk away, cut the parent out of their life but I just can't. My conscience won't allow it. So, how do I cope?
How do we deal with an aging, difficult parent? I googled it and found an article written on the subject. Judging by the hundreds of ongoing comments at the piece, I am not alone, something I found comforting,
I will figure it out. Figure out how to be myself yet disassociate (as much as possible) emotionally. Figure out how to utilize my support system without alienating and driving everyone crazy.
I will not let my difficult parent turn me into the kind of person who is a complete drag to be around.
All women are not mother material and I am not the only person who's never had the perfect mom for me.
How do you cope?
Tuesday
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I haven't seen my mom since xmas. She moved and I am not sure we even have contact numbers anymore. But we know how to get ahold of each other cause of other family members. Neither of us does it. I feel a smal void because I should have a Mother daughter relationship but what the hell is that? Lol how do I fix something that we haven't had for years. I wouldn't run the other way if I saw my Mom but I am just at a point where I guess I am not ready to deal with her. I don't know about you but I have unresolved feelings of anger towards my Mom and nothing has happened to make me less upset or forgive her.
ReplyDeleteMy mom was manic-depressive (undiagnosed for far too long) and fought lupus for the last 10 years of her life. The last few years were a nightmare due to her refusing meds for her mental state topped off by the natural anger she had at an evil disease ravaging her life.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice for you, as I was never able to find a way to deal with the stress in a healthy way. I guess I just wanted to let you know that I understand the hell that it is when dealing with a difficult mom. On the one hand you love her dearly because she's your mom, while on the other you would love to strangle her or go running to the hills and never come back!
I hope you are able to find a way to cope!
I don’t know…I am still trying to figure this one out myself.
ReplyDeleteI've been through this with my father-in-law as well as my adoptive dad. Both developed dementia and severe memory loss before they died. At some point, you resign yourself to the fact that they will never, ever change into what you want and that they are not coming back. It is a prolonged grief, and it is OK to cry about it. Because as they age they are still physically there, but the parent you knew seems more distant, or not present at all.
ReplyDeleteI know your mom wasn't the right mom for you. But I also know that if you can continue to cheerfully serve her, you will find more peace.
I wish I had some advice for you, but all I can say is that you are not alone. My mother is incredibly difficult and it seems to get worse every year. I try to keep decent boundaries but it's hard.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what that would be like. It's so hard to dissassociate emotionally from someone you care about. I have a hard time doing this with my own children when they react negatively to me. I'm just too sensitive!
ReplyDelete"How do we deal with an aging, difficult parent?"
ReplyDeleteWhat I do is try to think about how I will feel after he or she passes on. What can I do and say now that will make me have the least regrets and recriminations when he or she is no longer with us.
I was very lucky in taking care of both parents and an aunt when they were old and ill, because they were kind, reasonable people till the end. All had their wits about them, but many physical disabilities as they grew to be elderly and frail. However, many of my friends had to cope with difficult, unreasonable, even abusive parents and it was really hard and draining and frustrating. It is hard enough when they are easy to deal with, a hundred times worse when they are not.
ReplyDeleteJust a note, we are just back from Ireland which was simply brilliant as they say, but our email account got hacked and my husband is trying to get it fixed but I have no working email yet. Friends will certainly hear from me when the email is up and working again.
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Feel free to visit my blog : Mental Health and Disorders
I cope by writing a blog! I try to find the humor in the outrageous behavior of my Mean Mom. I write anonymously to keep it real. I also read many blogs like yours and they help me immensely. If you'd like to find a little bit of funny in my predicament, check it out at http://btchybarbie.blogspot.com.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with your Mom.
I'm dealing with my 85 year old dad, who remarried after my mom died. They were married 55 years. His new wife and her adult children have brought so much turmoil into our lives. They are nothing but golddiggers, all of them. My dad has spent most of his money that my mom and him had worked so hard for. He has bought them jewelry, furniture, clothes, paid her kids bills plus many more things. My dad defends them and his actions. He won't listen to reason. We ( my siblings and I) are the bad kids, and her kids " are wonderful". It makes me sick. So sad to see him live his last few years this way. I have tries everything I can think of.
ReplyDeleteHey Anonymous, thanks for the comment. I've intentionally refused to become connected to my mom's boyfriends' kids. Adult kids, that is. Part of the reason for that is what you've described, partly because I have no desire to have to answer for the turmoil she may bring into others' lives. I sympathize wholeheartedly with you, what you're coping with is one of my worst nightmares. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI have a mother who has tormented me all my life mentally and emotionally. No matter what I did... she would find ways to criticize and put down everything I have ever done. I am a mother of 5 and have a wonderful family, husband and career as a teacher. I have never heard this woman give me a compliment on how I keep my home, have raised my children. Instead she has always been ready to criticize and make a big deal of whatever she can...when she sees the opportunity to do so...never the good.. She has always put my siblings on a pedestal over me, especially my brother. Because of this she created a great amount of friction between my brother and I and now he and I no longer communicate because she was successful in destroying that relationship by pitting us against each other with constant gossiping behind my back. I'm pretty sure my mother has lived with an undiagnosed mental illness...she has very erratic behavior...she's incredibly jealous of her own children and others in general and loves to constantly pass judgement on others. I believe this is why she no longer is married to my dad..and because I resemble him in personality and appearance I get the brunt of her nasty behavior. I have tried to be there for her but cannot even have a conversation with her without her throwing something in my face and I just cannot deal with the constant torment. Luckily, she no longer lives down the street from me but has moved out of state to live by my brother but even after two years the phone calls are hard to make and can be very hurtful. I constantly think of never calling or trying to see her again but I don't know if this is the answer. Completely lost. :(
ReplyDeleteYour mother sounds like she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I recommend a book, "Surviving a Borderline Parent." It was a real eye-opener for me.
DeleteThanks anon.
DeleteWOW! I thought I was having a difficult time. My mom has a more passive aggressive way of dealing with everything. She doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to speak her mind directly, but judges and jabs with her nasty innuendos. I'm a middle child whose older sibling is disabled, both mentally and physically, so my mom expects me to be the go-to girl. I lived away for quite a few years and when I first got back I had to really separate myself from her forcefully. I joke that I am too prickly for absorption, but she did her best to do just that. I've recently had to back away from a few things we did together because I find I can't stand it anymore. She is an attention-seeking hypochondriac who can make a routing UTI into a ambulance calling emergency. When I had incapacitating major surgery recently, she did almost nothing to help out, calling only 3-4 times during the six weeks that I could not drive. She also had her own mysterious illness that she used as an excuse. She's pulled this one numerous times before, so I'm on to her now. We really had a rough time last week. I can only hope that she learned from it, but I doubt it. Her only call since then was all sweetness and light. Needless to say I have not returned the call. Right now all I want to do is to move back up north to get away from her. It's a tough thing to admit that I just don't care anymore, but I must or I would not be feeling guilty enough to be writing this. My next major move is to speak with a professional for some much needed perspective. She has always accused me of only loving people who deserved to be loved, and she's dangerously close to finding out for herself that she's right!
DeleteLatest anon, your situation rings very familiar. I'm just trying to see my mom for what she really is and not get my hopes up with her, ever. I expect the worst, sigh in relief when it's better than usual, and resolve to never be like her or allow her to make me act in a way people don't want to be around me.
DeleteI'll never understand parents who are jealous of their own children. I am filled with pride when my son accomplishes something or is liked by others.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Been reading a lot about different aspects of taking care of aging parents. Thanks for the info here!
ReplyDeleteI live in California and have parents who are getting older now and things are unfortunately starting to go downhill. I work full time and have a generally busy lifestyle and wasn’t able to be there to care for them. My father was slowing slipping into dementia and it was getting harder to ensure that they were safe while I was away.
ReplyDeleteThe last thing I wanted to do was put them in a home as I knew it would just crush their spirits even further so I went on a search to find alternate in-home care options. I went through a couple of different services but wasn’t really happy with any of them – then I saw an ad online for this company Helpio – they offer in-home care services for practically everything and all their staff is well trained. I can set everything up from my phone and they even offer 8 hours of free care!
I’m not sure if they still offer the 8 hours of free care but you can sign up for it here: http://www.gethelpio.net/helpio/
I think my 82 year old mom is mentally ill and just nobody bothered to deal with it. After drastically trying to help her getting a normal life, she chooses to go back to doing the same thing. She has no regards to anyone's feelings but her own. I've cried too many years I want to walk away.
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