It's been a while since I've written here. I've thought about it but just haven't had much to say that was suitable to share publicly.
To say I've been struggling in my relationship with my mom would be an understatement and because of this I've been doing a lot of soul searching and a bit of whining. Ok, maybe its the other way around, you'd have to ask my poor husband.
How people affect us affects those around us, I think we can all agree that's a fact.
In my marriage to my son's dad I reached that point where I needed to shut up about all the difficulties, people had listened enough. I either needed to do something about the bad relationship or quit putting it on everyone else by constantly talking about our issues. Ultimately, I did something about it and got out of the marriage.
What does a person do when the difficult person in your life is a parent? I know some people just walk away, cut the parent out of their life but I just can't. My conscience won't allow it. So, how do I cope?
How do we deal with an aging, difficult parent? I googled it and found an article written on the subject. Judging by the hundreds of ongoing comments at the piece, I am not alone, something I found comforting,
I will figure it out. Figure out how to be myself yet disassociate (as much as possible) emotionally. Figure out how to utilize my support system without alienating and driving everyone crazy.
I will not let my difficult parent turn me into the kind of person who is a complete drag to be around.
All women are not mother material and I am not the only person who's never had the perfect mom for me.
How do you cope?
Tuesday
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I haven't seen my mom since xmas. She moved and I am not sure we even have contact numbers anymore. But we know how to get ahold of each other cause of other family members. Neither of us does it. I feel a smal void because I should have a Mother daughter relationship but what the hell is that? Lol how do I fix something that we haven't had for years. I wouldn't run the other way if I saw my Mom but I am just at a point where I guess I am not ready to deal with her. I don't know about you but I have unresolved feelings of anger towards my Mom and nothing has happened to make me less upset or forgive her.
ReplyDeleteMy mom was manic-depressive (undiagnosed for far too long) and fought lupus for the last 10 years of her life. The last few years were a nightmare due to her refusing meds for her mental state topped off by the natural anger she had at an evil disease ravaging her life.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice for you, as I was never able to find a way to deal with the stress in a healthy way. I guess I just wanted to let you know that I understand the hell that it is when dealing with a difficult mom. On the one hand you love her dearly because she's your mom, while on the other you would love to strangle her or go running to the hills and never come back!
I hope you are able to find a way to cope!
I don’t know…I am still trying to figure this one out myself.
ReplyDeleteI've been through this with my father-in-law as well as my adoptive dad. Both developed dementia and severe memory loss before they died. At some point, you resign yourself to the fact that they will never, ever change into what you want and that they are not coming back. It is a prolonged grief, and it is OK to cry about it. Because as they age they are still physically there, but the parent you knew seems more distant, or not present at all.
ReplyDeleteI know your mom wasn't the right mom for you. But I also know that if you can continue to cheerfully serve her, you will find more peace.
I wish I had some advice for you, but all I can say is that you are not alone. My mother is incredibly difficult and it seems to get worse every year. I try to keep decent boundaries but it's hard.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what that would be like. It's so hard to dissassociate emotionally from someone you care about. I have a hard time doing this with my own children when they react negatively to me. I'm just too sensitive!
ReplyDelete"How do we deal with an aging, difficult parent?"
ReplyDeleteWhat I do is try to think about how I will feel after he or she passes on. What can I do and say now that will make me have the least regrets and recriminations when he or she is no longer with us.
I was very lucky in taking care of both parents and an aunt when they were old and ill, because they were kind, reasonable people till the end. All had their wits about them, but many physical disabilities as they grew to be elderly and frail. However, many of my friends had to cope with difficult, unreasonable, even abusive parents and it was really hard and draining and frustrating. It is hard enough when they are easy to deal with, a hundred times worse when they are not.
ReplyDeleteJust a note, we are just back from Ireland which was simply brilliant as they say, but our email account got hacked and my husband is trying to get it fixed but I have no working email yet. Friends will certainly hear from me when the email is up and working again.
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Feel free to visit my blog : Mental Health and Disorders
I cope by writing a blog! I try to find the humor in the outrageous behavior of my Mean Mom. I write anonymously to keep it real. I also read many blogs like yours and they help me immensely. If you'd like to find a little bit of funny in my predicament, check it out at http://btchybarbie.blogspot.com.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck with your Mom.