tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52103534256167442352024-03-13T20:43:23.191-07:00And other ideas and thoughts ....I had to do something! It's hard to describe "what isn't" but I have high hopes. For now thoughts and ideas on parenting, step parenting, marriage, divorce, adoption, death and whatever else I think I may have constructive commentary on. If you have some commentary or thoughts of your own, please feel free to share!Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.comBlogger173125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-30319542200739034702018-08-05T06:11:00.002-07:002018-08-05T06:11:54.307-07:00"The one that adopted me, not the biological one."It's so difficult dealing with my mother. The one that adopted me, not the biological one.<br />
<br />
The biological mother I have is far less upsetting than the adoptive mother, in my case. I am disappointed by both but because of my ongoing, day-to-day familial connection to my adoptive mother, she's the one that hurts me almost daily, and it's not getting any better. It's worse.<br />
<br />
I continue to work to protect myself from both women, think about my physical and mental health, as stress and emotional abuse can be harmful. It's never ending, the self-talk.<br />
<br />
"Oh, I feel so guilty! Wait! You've done nothing to feel guilty about, just stop it. You're being manipulated by a person without real feelings or empathy. You are absolved of worrying about her feelings because SHE HAS NONE. It's wasted energy, pain for nothing, it's a cycle of abuse and you're being abused emotionally by this person. You can only control your reaction to it."<br />
<br />
Alright. I feel a little better. But...<br />
<br />
"Oh, I wish I could have a nicer relationship with my mom, I feel so bad that she's alone and sad. We should be able to have fun now and then, get along. Maybe if I said this, or that, did this, or that. Aw, come on, you KNOW nothing will change, no matter what you do. You've already done everything you can, and still do plenty. Nothing is enough for her, she sucks the life out of people. You have nothing to regret or feel bad about because you've been dedicated for years, for forever really. She's alone because of her, not because of you. You've done all you can do and been there for her more than anyone else in her life."<br />
<br />
There. That always feels better. Big breath in. Big breath out. Start over, don't be affected. You can do this.<br />
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People are never emotionally separate from their parents, whether they're amazing or crap. Whether they're present or invisible. Whether they stay connected to them or shut them out.<br />
<br />
If you're fortunate enough to be a parent to someone, be your best. Be what your son or daughter needs. If you can't put your child ahead of yourself, don't bother becoming a parent.<br />
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If you are the sort to decide to parent even though you're a selfish, narcissistic, sociopath, you won't listen to me anyway. Of this I am certain.<br />
<br />
Shame.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-5330977852663303042017-08-18T09:36:00.000-07:002017-08-18T14:22:54.887-07:00Still coping with a difficult, aging parent. Still sane. I think.I'm taking a break, well, a physical break, from tending to my mom today. Mentally it's tough to completely turn off when acting as caregiver to a parent who may or may not be capable of living independently but that's the plan. Actually, it's a test in a way, to see if my mom can manage on her own today without me or other family being physically present. It's been months since that's happened.<br />
<br />
Oh, I'll be close by, just in case, and if we are successful, I'll venture a little further away tomorrow.<br />
<br />
I'm worn down, that's a fact. It's been a long stretch of daily contact with my mother, a long stretch of focusing on staying as patient as possible, working hard not to take my mom's mistreatment and distrust of me personally while existing in what feels like a constant state of demands and crisis, a task that's tough for someone who is sensitive to others' moods and negativity. I can be a little thin skinned at times, I know it. Nothing wrong with that, but it's true, it's me. It's also what likely keeps me devoted to my mom's health and safety, dedicated to doing what I can to help her enjoy as much quality of life as is possible. Despite her.<br />
<br />
In sitting about this morning, working on reviving my brain and self, my soul, I peeked in on my blog here and got the urge to write a bit. I can't believe my post <a href="http://campbellscoup.blogspot.ca/2012/08/are-you-coping-with-difficult-aging.html" target="_blank">Are You Coping With A Difficult, Aging Parent? How Do You Stay Sane?</a> is 5 years old already. Hopefully it's helped one or two people as it's helped me today, helped me to remember to try to"...not let my difficult parent turn me into the kind of person who is a complete drag to be around.".<br />
<br />
Yesterday I ran out of words and thoughts by the end of the day. I was numb, blank-brained, over it, toast, tout fini, after facing a minor conflict with my husband after a long day helping my mother. I walked into our bedroom in the broad daylight, crawled into our bed, and zoned out. It's not like me to resist engaging when I'm feeling wronged (see above) but I was actually incapable of uttering one more word, summoning up one more ounce of energy to engage. That's kinda big. I am so grateful my husband eventually reached out to soften his behavior and acknowledge my stress, bringing much relief and rejuvenation. So grateful.<br />
<br />
I feel better today, have so far only had minimal phone contact with my mother, and will keep it that way if at all possible. I will work hard to stay healthy and try to look after myself better through this.<br />
<br />
Lastly, amazingly, I'm still sane. I think.Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-30352266264780838632017-06-15T06:39:00.001-07:002017-06-15T06:41:50.035-07:00Enjoyed reading through this blog<a href="https://t.co/GlGprcKIZF" target="_blank">"We’re Indian-American with adopted white children and here’s what people ask us"</a>Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-73209219224666691842015-03-11T07:37:00.000-07:002015-03-11T07:37:52.663-07:00Calcutta is My Mother Documentary The film, Calcutta is My Mother, will document adopted person Reshma's first return to Calcutta as she explores her roots and the life she could have had had she survived in India.<br />
<br />
Visit <a href="https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2125494606/calcutta-is-my-mother-documentary/description" target="_blank">the KICKSTARTER page</a> for Calcutta is My Mother to learn more about this story.Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-51847105694006515222015-03-10T16:26:00.001-07:002015-03-10T16:26:04.440-07:00CHILDMYTHS: An Observable Problem for Adopted Children, and Wh...<a href="http://childmyths.blogspot.com/2015/02/an-observable-problem-for-adopted.html?spref=bl">CHILDMYTHS: An Observable Problem for Adopted Children, and Wh...</a>: Periodically, I receive complaints and vituperation from readers who insist that any emotional discomfort they feel as adoptees is eviden...Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-90972063096748400902014-11-19T04:09:00.003-08:002014-11-19T04:15:59.407-08:00"BabyCenter Finds PPD Moms Don’t Seek Help Due To Guilt & Shame"<a href="http://www.postpartumprogress.com/babycenter-finds-40-ppd-moms-dont-seek-help-due-guilt-shame" target="_blank">http://www.postpartumprogress.com/babycenter-finds-40-ppd-moms-dont-seek-help-due-guilt-shame</a>Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-37229647317707331842014-10-05T16:46:00.001-07:002014-10-05T16:46:26.411-07:00The hidden power of siblings: Jeff Kluger at TEDxAsheville<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/aFBIPO-P7LM" width="480"></iframe>Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-23187511223809980402014-10-02T17:19:00.001-07:002014-10-02T17:19:21.341-07:00The Crit Chance: Hyrule Warriors: The Game I Didn’t Know I Wanted<a href="http://thecritchance.blogspot.com/2014/10/hyrule-warriors-game-i-didnt-know-i.html?spref=bl">The Crit Chance: Hyrule Warriors: The Game I Didn’t Know I Wanted</a>: Pros: Tight Controls and Flashy Animations, Tons of Content, Couch Co-op Cons: Enemy Pop-In, Occasional Framerate Dips on Gamepad, No...Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-62396925490332328872014-07-29T08:04:00.000-07:002014-07-29T08:08:20.801-07:00The Right Kind of PersonHaving spent a significant amount of time with my stepson's daughter, my 'step' granddaughter, as in granddaughter I am not biologically related to, I stand by my belief that a love, or a bond if you prefer, can develop that's as strong or stronger that those of the blood related category.<br />
<br />
It's also my opinion, though, that it takes a certain kind of person with a certain kind of attitude or openness.<br />
<br />
A person who loves children of all ages and thinks about how they're thinking and feeling, cares about what their individual fears and emotional needs are. Of course this is important for all who are involved in raising children, it's just that with adoption or fostering or kinship care there's an opportunity to try and ensure that those children who for whatever reason aren't being raised by their biological parents will be placed with people who are right for the responsibility. People who adopt and want to love and raise other people's children because they can't have their own should be thoroughly screened and continue to be assessed to see if they're actually doing it properly. Really the same should apply to those who volunteer to foster, those we choose to stepparent our children, and even those caring for extended family members.<br />
<br />
Outside influences can greatly affect emotional investment, another reason why it's very important the right kind of person is replacing biological parents. The right kind of person has the ability to not only empathize and be dedicated to thinking about how a child that's in their care is feeling and responding, but also to parent without ego, something I still feel is a key factor in being the best mom or dad one can be.<br />
<br />
I would suggest to those who are caring for the children of others, in whatever capacity that may be happening, to concentrate on the child and nurturing that relationship and to work hard to separate how those around you are behaving and not take it out on the child. This could be a spouse, a sister or brother, parent, bio parent, in-law, neighbor, co-worker, or even a stranger in a grocery store. It's not easy and sometimes we have to back away or change the way we relate to the adults in our lives but if you're that right kind of person, you'll do everything in your power to not allow others to negatively affect the child.<br />
<br />
The right kind of person will be dedicated to parenting without ego and keep the focus on the child and his or her emotional needs.<br />
<br />
Honestly, it will be easier to be a grandmother to my own son's children. I do look forward to it, look forward to the ease with which I'll be able to relate to my son as a parent because of the great relationship he and I enjoy. We can discuss anything openly and honestly, with respect and care for one another which is something that's very helpful to a grandparent. That said, I couldn't love my darling, non blood related, little granddaughter anymore than I do.<br />
<br />
I'm grateful I get to be that right kind of person.Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-42683951838611886452014-06-15T11:52:00.000-07:002014-06-15T11:55:53.862-07:00Reposting. Again.<br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.294118);"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.294118);">It's Father's Day, and I want to tell you a bit about my good dad.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.294118);"></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px;">
What I say about my dad most likely would differ from what my sister or brother would say.</div>
<br />
Quite often one child sees a parent differently than another, with many dynamics influencing the relationship. Gender, interests, sense of humor, birth order, and temperament are all factors in parent/child relationships. Also, relationships can change over time, for example I think had my brother not died so young he and my/our dad may have grown even closer as my brother spent more time being a father.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.294118);"></span><br />
<br />
Anyway, that said, here's what I want to say about my dad.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.294118);"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.294118);"></span><br />
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My dad was the perfect dad for me. I know I disappointed him sometimes but I also know he truly forgave me when I did. My dad was completely dedicated to me, to all of his kids, to our family.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I know this because we talked about it once while canoeing. At this point in life I was a grown woman and mom. The conversation started out with me admonishing him for being snarky with my mom, before she even did anything annoying, almost in anticipation. I told him it made him look bad and if he was so angry with my mom, why hadn't they just split up ages ago and put everyone out of their misery?</div>
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Well, I never expected the response I got and will never forget it.</div>
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He told me there was no way he'd have ever left us kids. That if he and my mom had split up, there's no way back then he'd have gotten custody of us. He'd made a commitment to my brother and sister and I and no matter how difficult his life was being married to my mom, he would never have left us alone with her, never have put his own needs ahead of ours. In his mind, he was one of our needs.</div>
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Wow.</div>
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And that was just the biggie.</div>
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My dad also coached my softball teams and never complained about the shit bag lunches I grudgingly made him. He came out to watch me participate in everything I did, and sincerely forgave me when I messed up. My dad set an example of being hard working, honest, and kind to others. He taught me about short term pain for long term gain and about pride in integrity.</div>
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I learned from him to walk away from trouble but that there's also times when there's a need for dropping the gloves to fight for myself or what's right. Yeah, at times there was a generation gap between Dad's and my beliefs but he understood and accepted that. Another lesson learned.</div>
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My dad was the most excellent grandfather to my son. How fortunate to have had a dad who provided my son with such a positive male role model. Oh how grandpa is missed.</div>
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My dad taught my son and I about finding joy in the smallest of things, a perfect butter tart or a pair of socks wrapped up for Christmas.</div>
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I was fortunate to see my dad in two lights, the frugal, hard working husband and father and the retired, laid back, "let me by you a drink" father and grandfather.</div>
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I loved dancing with my dad. Who didn't?</div>
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As an adult in the home I have now I loved preparing him a special meal, bringing him a cup of coffee, mixing him a perfect rum and coke, not too strong. He was always so appreciative, got so much out of being here with me, my husband, and my son, his grandson, his partner.</div>
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One of my last memories of dad was of him sitting here in my living room, smile on his face, and him telling me how much he loved being in my home. I cherish that and all my other memories of my dad.</div>
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I am so lucky to have had the perfect dad for me.</div>
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Happy Father's Day to all you good dads out there. You rock.</div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.294118);"></span>Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-57983175069367098452013-07-16T07:11:00.000-07:002013-07-16T07:13:50.928-07:00Adoptee RantIt's no secret my mom and I have been struggling with our relationship over the past several years.<br />
<br />
Even more than normal.<br />
<br />
I've been trying to deflect, defuse, defer and detox but something always happens to whip me back up again, mom manages to twist the knife just enough more to hurt me, which sets me off.<br />
<br />
While applying bandages to our most recent scrap, my being adopted and meeting my biological mother came up. Again.<br />
<br />
I cannot tell you how much this bothers me.<br />
<br />
It seems no matter what I say or how I say it, my mom is incapable of looking at herself as being responsible for our tumultuous relationship, looking at herself as being the reason I have so much resentment toward her. It's just the way she is.<br />
<br />
Problem for us adopted kids is is that being adopted is the perfect get out of jail free card for people like my mother.<br />
<br />
It's one of my biggest pet peeves with the Primal Wound Theory, that those of us who are adopted are inescapably damaged. What if Verrier made some mistakes as a mother and her adopted kid happened to be the one who rebelled, more because of her personality than her adoptedness. I would even go so far as to say ok, because of our adoptedness, sometimes we adoptees might be extra resilient which could make us a little feistier but there has to be somebody setting us off. Somebody like a parent who refuses to look at what they may be doing wrong.<br />
<br />
My mom wanted to adopt another kid and I'm what she got. I don't owe anyone anything for having been adopted. I'm lucky I survived after being left alone at a hospital, my well-being in the hands of the fickle finger of fate. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">I'm grateful for all the good things in my life. I am a competent, independent, thoughtful fifty year old woman and do not fight with my mother because I'm adopted or because I met the mother who gave birth to me. I fight with my mother because she is difficult, self absorbed, and incapable of compassion and empathy for others.</span><br />
<br />
Please, look at yourself before you look at your kids when trying to find a reason for your poor relationship with them.<br />
<br />
Apologizing to your kids and taking responsibility for your parenting mistakes goes a very long way in building trust and communication, not to mention sets a great example. One of the best things we can teach our kids is how to admit and own being wrong.<br />
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If you've never done it, you clearly need to because we all make mistakes.<br />
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Adoptive parents, despite all the crap you read, it may very well be YOU who has issues, not your child.<br />
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If you can't even entertain the possibility of that being true, I pity your kids and hope they are as resilient as I am.<br />
<br />Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-29527135756115404472013-06-15T07:26:00.000-07:002014-06-15T11:51:13.799-07:00(Still) The Perfect Dad For Me<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);"></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">Reposting. Again.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">It's Father's Day, and I want to tell you a bit about my good dad.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">
</span>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);"><br /></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">
</span>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">What I say about my dad most likely would differ from what my sister or brother would say.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">
</span>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);"><br /></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">
</span>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">Quite often one child sees a parent differently than another, with many dynamics influencing the relationship. Gender, interests, sense of humor, birth order, and temperament are all factors in parent/child relationships. Also, relationships can change over time, for example I think had my brother not died so young he and my/our dad may have grown even closer as my brother spent more time being a father.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
Anyway, that said, here's what I want to say about my dad.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
My dad was the perfect dad for me. I know I disappointed him sometimes but I also know he truly forgave me when I did. My dad was completely dedicated to me, to all of his kids, to our family.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
I know this because we talked about it once while canoeing. At this point in life I was a grown woman and mom. The conversation started out with me admonishing him for being snarky with my mom, before she even did anything annoying, almost in anticipation. I told him it made him look bad and if he was so angry with my mom, why hadn't they just split up ages ago and put everyone out of their misery?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
Well, I never expected the response I got and will never forget it.</div>
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He told me there was no way he'd have ever left us kids. That if he and my mom had split up, there's no way back then he'd have gotten custody of us. He'd made a commitment to my brother and sister and I and no matter how difficult his life was being married to my mom, he would never have left us alone with her, never have put his own needs ahead of ours. In his mind, he was one of our needs.</div>
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Wow.</div>
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And that was just the biggie.</div>
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My dad also coached my softball teams and never complained about the shit bag lunches I grudgingly made him. He came out to watch me participate in everything I did, and sincerely forgave me when I messed up. My dad set an example of being hard working, honest, and kind to others. He taught me about short term pain for long term gain and about pride in integrity.</div>
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I learned from him to walk away from trouble but that there's also times when there's a need for dropping the gloves to fight for myself or what's right. Yeah, at times there was a generation gap between Dad's and my beliefs but he understood and accepted that. Another lesson learned.</div>
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My dad was the most excellent grandfather to my son. How fortunate to have had a dad who provided my son with such a positive male role model. Oh how grandpa is missed.</div>
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My dad taught my son and I about finding joy in the smallest of things, a perfect butter tart or a pair of socks wrapped up for Christmas.</div>
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I was fortunate to see my dad in two lights, the frugal, hard working husband and father and the retired, laid back, "let me by you a drink" father and grandfather.</div>
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I loved dancing with my dad. Who didn't?</div>
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As an adult in the home I have now I loved preparing him a special meal, bringing him a cup of coffee, mixing him a perfect rum and coke, not too strong. He was always so appreciative, got so much out of being here with me, my husband, and my son, his grandson, his partner.</div>
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One of my last memories of dad was of him sitting here in my living room, smile on his face, and him telling me how much he loved being in my home. I cherish that and all my other memories of my dad.</div>
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I am so lucky to have had the perfect dad for me.</div>
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Happy Father's Day to all you good dads out there. You rock.</div>
</span>Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-48817920832224717562013-06-10T09:59:00.001-07:002013-06-11T06:32:19.818-07:00Hear me<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Droid, 'BBAlpha Sans', Helvetica, 'Prelude Medium', 'S60 Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"></span><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="mv_body" id="mv_body0" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 8px; padding-left: 10px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Droid, 'BBAlpha Sans', Helvetica, 'Prelude Medium', 'S60 Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">If you could just realize that this is the only you you've got.</span></span></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: inherit; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;">
</span>
<br />
<div class="mv_body" id="mv_body0" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 8px; padding-left: 10px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Droid, 'BBAlpha Sans', Helvetica, 'Prelude Medium', 'S60 Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">If you could just figure out how to embrace yourself, accept yourself. If you could just understand that we need to surround ourselves with people who want to appreciate our best self. It's all anyone can do, put their best self forward. </span></span></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Droid, 'BBAlpha Sans', Helvetica, 'Prelude Medium', 'S60 Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></span>
<div class="mv_body" id="mv_body0" style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 8px; padding-left: 10px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Droid, 'BBAlpha Sans', Helvetica, 'Prelude Medium', 'S60 Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">We can't force others to appreciate and love us in a way that we desire. We can make our needs known and then it's out of our hands. It will be what it will be. It will be enough, or not. The people we love will care how we feel, or they won't and we can choose to take it or leave it, decide if the good outweighs the bad. </span><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"></span></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Droid, 'BBAlpha Sans', Helvetica, 'Prelude Medium', 'S60 Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" /></span></span></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Droid, 'BBAlpha Sans', Helvetica, 'Prelude Medium', 'S60 Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
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</span><br />
<div style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Droid, 'BBAlpha Sans', Helvetica, 'Prelude Medium', 'S60 Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">We are far more than how our parents treat us. We are impacted, influenced, and shaped by our relationships or lack thereof with our family but ultimately, we are our own person. It's incredibly freeing to say, here is my best, take it or leave it. Relate to me in a way that is good for my spirit and if you don't care to, or, at the very least, bother to try, I will limit or eliminate entirely the time we spend together. If I choose to allow you to stay in my life, accept the fact that in not caring about how I feel and what I need, you will affect the me you get, affect how I relate to you, how I love you.</span></span></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Droid, 'BBAlpha Sans', Helvetica, 'Prelude Medium', 'S60 Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">
</span></span></span></span>
<div style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Droid, 'BBAlpha Sans', Helvetica, 'Prelude Medium', 'S60 Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" /></span></span></span></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); font-family: Droid, 'BBAlpha Sans', Helvetica, 'Prelude Medium', 'S60 Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<div style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">There comes a point when we need to be completely honest with ourself and accept when someone will never become the parent that we want. A point where we stop trying to be something we're not to win the approval and appreciation of someone who'll never approve or appreciate.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">I don't mean stop being good and kind and true to ourselves, I mean stop expecting or yearning for an appropriate and fulfilling reaction to our best self.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Be your best self for yourself and if you are fortunate enough along the way to touch others in a way that moves them to show their love and appreciation in a way that we find meaningful, it's what love and life is all about.<span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Some of us will not have the parental relationships that dreams are made of but it doesn't have to prevent us from experiencing very real and meaningful emotional connections with other people, we just need to keep the parental disappointment from hindering us in putting our best self out there for the world. </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" /></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">If we can manage to appreciate and accept ourselves, we will find that others will begin to also, maybe even some of those parents who previously were <span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"></span>impossible to reach.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Or maybe not, and if not, it's their loss.<span style="line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"></span></span></div>
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</span>Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-67064644141547286202013-05-25T17:40:00.002-07:002013-05-25T17:48:48.163-07:00Who killed the cat? Curiosity, stupid.<br />
Reposting, from <a href="http://campbellscoup.blogspot.ca/2011/07/who-killed-cat-curiosity-stupid.html?m=1" target="_blank">here</a> Just because.<br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Are adoptees who don't feel especially curious about their biological heritage suffering from low IQ's? Are they unnatural, brainwashed, shut down, or paralyzed by feelings of abandonment?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">No. They're not.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">They say curiosity is a sign of intelligence. That may be so. I know something else that is a sign of intelligence, the ability to look outside your own experience. The ability to learn new tricks.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There are many, many people who just aren't that curious about their heritage. Some of them need only talk with their parents or visit an aunt or uncle to learn about it. Some can easily hit Ancestry.com or a local library and find all sorts of family background and info. But, they just aren't all that interested, not that curious. Does this make them stupid? Of course not.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I know some will say, well, that's because they can, they know who their <i>real</i> parents are. To that I say, so what? Some adoptees feel like their adopted parents are their real parents, end of story. They feel and see themselves no differently than other people. Why should they be held to a higher standard than everyone else?</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Curiosity about circumstances of birth and relinquishment is not surprising, but it isn't a reflection of intelligence. A person uninterested in "what happened" or who their immediate or distant biological relatives are could very well be curious about many other things, things that are far more important to them personally.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It seems to me that when it comes to curiosity about one's own circumstance of adoption and/or heritage, it can vary in degree. It can be nonexistent. It can be mild. It can be all-consuming. It can be both mild and all-consuming from one day to the next, from one hour to the next. It can be stifled due to outside influences. Lack of curiosity can remain in spite of outside encouragement to be curious. It can be there when we're young and vanish when we're older. It can be nonexistent in our youth and then overcome us when we have children.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I've read harsh judgements on adoptees searching for such a frivolous reason as "just being curious". I have had to question myself about this, if simple curiosity was a good enough reason to potentially disrupt the lives of others. It's a big fat no-no in some circles to search out of curiosity as opposed to searching to find and embrace our <i>real</i> parents and/or a new or different family.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">For some adoptees just seeing a picture of their parents would suffice. For others, an explanation for having been adopted and a picture, never really feeling the need to actually meet anyone. There are adoptees who want full blown familial relationships with their biological relatives. None of it is wrong or an indication of intelligence or necessarily a reflection on anyone else. To say so, at best, is not very nice. At worst, it's not very smart.</span>Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-74415044979761040582013-03-27T11:16:00.001-07:002013-03-27T11:16:05.408-07:00Ohhh so that's all I need to do to find out who my (other) daddy isSomething I don't understand about some adoption reform activists is their determination to always paint everything as black and white, to over simplify, to make useless (sometimes embarrassing or insulting) comparisons.<br />
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There is nothing about unwanted pregnancy, adoption, adoption reunion that is simple and when we declare things should be this way or that, it sets people up for failure and misinforms or misleads Joe Public who has no hands on exposure to the issue of adoption and reunion, sealed records, adoptee or parental rights.<br />
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We can not like a circumstance we find ourselves in and most times all we have control over is how we react to it. This lesson in itself is hard enough to learn and remember, how is it helpful to have our heads filled with mommy magic notions? Or told that if we just did this or did that, poof we'd have access to our heritage, our birth records, or medical history?<br />
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Talking about the fact that adopted people should have the right to their own personal information about their birth and familial medical history is a great things to do. Romanticising it or saying if we would just stop waiting for our parents (adoptive) to die before saying what we think or want everything would be rainbows and unicorns, to borrow a common adoption reference, is counterproductive. I think we need to look at the situation with as little bias as possible, as much understanding and compassion as we're capable, and with the intelligence to know how very complicated and situation specific unwanted pregnancy, infertility, and adoption is.<br />
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My mom (adoptive for those that don't know I refer to the woman who adopted and raised me as mom) gave me the newborn picture my biological mother left for my parents in my 50th birthday card. When I look at it and think about that baby being left alone and at the mercy of the government and hospital I thank my lucky stars for how well things did go for me. It's amazing that I am ok and I am proud of myself for surviving and at times, thriving. <br />
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Adoption and any resulting reunion is unpredictable. I nor anyone else can tell you what will happen, how involved parties will or should behave. All we can do is talk about our experience, if we want to, and respect that others' circumstances are different from our own. Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-83966115914713895532013-03-06T10:55:00.000-08:002013-03-06T10:55:05.635-08:00Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat some wormsI have been so depressed lately.<br />
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I have somehow managed to allow my self esteem to take quite the beating.<br />
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There's such a fine line between listening to people's criticism in order to improve oneself and letting oneself be destroyed. I have always struggled with knowing whether I am actually feeling sorry for myself, being hypersensitive, or if I am actually being treated poorly.<br />
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I suppose the source of criticism or disappointment is an important thing to consider. As in, we value some people's opinions more than others. Even still, sometimes we may not value a person's opinion but their insensitive or unkind behaviour is extremely difficult to ignore, to internalize. It still hurts and is capable of shaking our self esteem.<br />
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I think part of what's happened to me lately is that I have kept in my disappointment, my anger, my hurt and strayed from my proven method of coping with the day to day disappointments in life. <br />
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I am not normally the type to give the silent treatment. I want to fix things now, not let them stew. I will give in or compromise to achieve harmony. I will also own and apologize for my culpability. I will weigh the benefit of putting an end to an argument and give someone I love and respect the benefit of the doubt. I don't like getting the silent treatment, and I've learned it doesn't do me a damned bit of good to force myself to give it.<br />
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I am turning 50 soon, something that doesn't bother me as far as age goes. In fact, after having breast cancer, I am extremely happy to get as many years older as I possibly can. <br />
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It does bother me to turn 50 with a negative opinion of myself. To turn 50 with less confidence than I had a year ago. It does bother me to turn 50 still needing outside validation to have healthy self esteem.<br />
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I don't think I am capable of having a healthy self esteem on my own but then forced or less than sincere demonstrations of love and appreciation mean nothing to me.<br />
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Personally, I think sometimes my need to feel special, valued, important, makes me act in ways that ultimately afffect my self esteem negatively. Hell, I don't think it, I know it.<br />
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Life ain't easy, is it?<br />
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Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-56201838576526672462013-02-13T12:15:00.000-08:002013-02-13T12:17:38.677-08:00I quit!I had a milestone in January. I achieved a full year of being a quitter, quitter of cigarettes that is. Its such an unbelievable thing to me. I clearly remember all the times when I was smoking that I would wish that I magically just didn't smoke because the thought of quitting smoking was just too daunting, a completely unreasonable, unattainable goal. <br />
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Now, well, I did it. It's cool. It's weird. It's quite the feat.<br />
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Watching TCM was killer at first, mildly annoying now. Man those old time movie stars could make having a smoke look good and do they ever smoke alot! It's helpful there's no commercials so there's no time for a smoke break anyway. Mmmm...just picturing them.<br />
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I love smoking. I cannot believe cigarette companies can't come up with some kind of cigarette that's good for us. A smoke that's filled with omega 3's and antioxidents that would be as healthy as an apple a day. <br />
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That'd be sweet.<br />
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I don't miss being controlled by cigarettes. Thinking ahead, conserving, planning, hiding, freezing, stinking, craving...oops, to be totally honest the cravings I do still get now and then but nothing like in the beginning. I never thought I would get to a place where I could go a day without craving a smoke, but I have. Course, I am dying for one right now because I am thinking about it but these days, it's easily controlled. Huge, deep breaths work as well as anything.<br />
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I didn't use any smoking cessation products. Unless you count the gum I used a few times. It really burns the throat though and the one I used didn't exactly taste good so, no worries about becoming dependant on that. <br />
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When I was smoking, I knew there was no pill or hypnosis or laser treatment that would help me quit. I wished there was, but I knew that I liked smoking tooooo much. It had to be me all me, my stubborn, determined, resilient self that would have to step up to the task and really want it and suffer for it. I also knew wanting it for myself wasn't enough but when my son said to me, "Mom, now will you quit smoking?", that did it. When I said yes, that I would quit now, I knew I had to. <br />
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It helped to know I was perfectly capable of getting cancer. I think there are some people who are immune and couldn't it be possible I was one of them? Possible perhaps, but not the case. I was lucky enough to find and treat an invasive cancer before it invaded so who was I to keep on keeping on when the universe and the medical community were intent on keeping me alive, for now.<br />
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I think that was another big factor that contributed to my success in quitting smoking. Shame. I was quite ashamed to be smoking while all these people were working to get rid of my cancer and it felt real good to say I was a quitter at my radiation sessions, oncologist and surgeon appointments. Everyone was super supportive and really never appeared judgemental. Very cool people.<br />
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SO, if you're trying to quit, or trying to stay quit, keep up the hard work cause hard work it is!<br />
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If you know someone who is quitting, give them tons of support and encouragement. It really is a big deal to quit or try to quit.<br />
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If you've tried and haven't quite succeeded yet, don't be too hard on yourself!! It's ok to try again if you want, to try as many times as you want. If you mess up and have one smoke, just start over!<br />
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Quitting smoking is as difficult as it is enjoyable to those of us who love smoking but just remember, if I could do it, anyone can.<br />
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Deep breaths.<br />
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<br />Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-81059231422773264282012-11-18T06:15:00.000-08:002012-11-18T06:26:14.519-08:00And your point is?It's the strangest thing when a difficult parent is seriously ill. There's this push and pull that cannot be appreciated by someone who hasn't experienced it.<br />
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One minute your stomach is in knots and you're frightened for their life, doing anything you can to help them live. The next you're like, "did you really just say that to me after I just saved your life?"<br />
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Is it that they don't appreciate us or is it that they just don't appreciate their life? Is it that they know we'll always be there for them so shitting on us repeatedly has no risk?<br />
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Although never surprised at my mother's complete disregard for my feelings, I am always perplexed by it. How can she not care how hurt I am? How my own child feels, especially how I am making him feel, means more to me than anything else. I would never put anyone ahead of my child. Never have and never will.<br />
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Is it because I am adopted that my mother has such disregard for me? I don't think so though I do think my mother should have been screened more thoroughly, even though I realize there are worse mothers out there. At this point in time she'd likely not admit or remember it but she told me a long time ago, in a way that was meant to be critical of the social worker who was involved in my adoption, that she'd almost not gotten me. The social worker had said she was worried my mom was too intent on getting a baby just like the first one she'd adopted. My mom thought the social worker was wrong. I think the social worker may have been on to something.<br />
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I am awake and writing this because my mom called me fom the hospital to see if I was coming with her to another hospital for a test she's having. When she called it was 6:45am on Sunday and the test is tomorrow Monday at 2pm. Its my understanding nobody goes with her, the test is simple, painless xray. I got up anyway and chatted a bit with my mom, just to make sure she was ok.<br />
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Yesterday was a tough day as my mom chastised me for refusing contact with someone who has mistreated and taken advantage of me for many years, someone I have finally decided to cut out of my life. My mother disapproves of the fact I am refusing to facilitate her ongoing relationship with this person. In spite of the fact that my conscience is clear and I know I am not in the wrong, oh, and in spite of the fact that I am 50 years old, it still hurts to have your mom take the enemy's side.<br />
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Am I the only one going though this?<br />
<br />Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-29596721915963317452012-11-09T10:50:00.001-08:002012-11-09T10:50:42.300-08:00Lest We Forget<div style="text-align: center;">
<u>Remembrance Day, November 11th</u></div>
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<img align="middle" alt="" border="0" class="th imgthumb1" height="94" id="imgthumb1" src="data:image/jpeg;base64,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" style="margin: 0px;" title="http://brechinlegion.ca/poppy.htm" width="78" /></div>
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In Flanders fields the poppies blow</div>
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Between the crosses, row on row,</div>
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That mark our place; and in the sky</div>
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The larks, still bravely singing, fly</div>
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Scarce heard amid the guns below.</div>
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We are the Dead. Short days ago</div>
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We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,</div>
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Loved, and were loved, and now we lie</div>
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In Flanders fields.</div>
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Take up our quarrel with the foe:</div>
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To you from failing hands we throw</div>
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The torch; be yours to hold it high.</div>
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If ye break faith with us who die</div>
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We shall not sleep, though poppies grow</div>
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In Flanders fields.</div>
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<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_Flanders_Fields" target="_blank">Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae (1872-1918) Canadian</a><br />
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<br />Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-68951731230069731392012-09-29T06:59:00.001-07:002012-10-06T04:56:45.686-07:00I hate meeces to pieces! Especially the baby ones.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 25px;">Great news! If your mom didn't want or like you, finally you don't have to take it personally!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 25px;"><b>Ana Ribeiro, an author of the study and postdoctoral fellow at Rockefeller University, explains: “Once the gene was silenced, not only did the moms not nurse or lick their baby pups, but they wouldn’t even move the baby mice back into the cage or fight off a strange intruder. In other words, our study shows that, without this gene, the skills to be ‘a good mom’ were lost.” <a href="http://moms.today.com/_news/2012/09/25/14095033-mom-gene-discovered-in-mice-do-you-have-it?lite">Looky here</a> for the source.</b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;">This doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Hopefully this will contribute to an acceptance that not all females are born to be mythical matenal goddesses and that oxytocin isn't the magic mommy potion some people want to make it out to be.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;">If you feel like you're not cut out to be a mom, maybe you aren't and there's nothing wrong with that. Dont allow yourself to be badgered into it and please, try really hard not to get pregnant.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;">If you feel like you're not cut out to be a mom and you already are one, find someone to talk to about it. I know it's tough since most people hold women to unrealistic maternal standards but there are people who understand that some women struggle and that there's nothing to be ashamed of. Seek them out and talk about what's going on and please, try really hard not to get pregnant again.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;">If you can't get pregnant and come to realize that you're actually ok with that, don't let society or your partner pressure or shame you into believing that you couldn't possibly be ok with it and please, don't "just" adopt.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;">Do you think all females are mommy material? Could there be a mommy gene in humans? </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>
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<br />Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-37289620540435806752012-09-22T07:13:00.001-07:002012-09-22T07:17:11.165-07:00This Just Can't Be Happening...Oh Yes It CanWhen I used to consider searching for my biological people, mother in particular, one of the deterrents was ending up with two mothers giving me heartburn. Twice the hassle. More family to worry about, answer to. Do I really want two mothers? What if the second one is even more difficult than the first? <span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">Well, believe it or not, I found myself in just such a situation this past week.</span><br />
<br />
I'm sitting with my husband and brother-in-law at a nice outdoor patio, about to devour a pitcher of sangria. The sun is shining, I'm away on a short holiday and this is our first day there.<br />
<br />
Part of the reason we've visited at this time is that my biological mother is also visiting this particular city. We've been in touch about getting together and it's supposed to happen at some point. We will arrange something via text once I arrive.<br />
<br />
Back to my patio.<br />
<br />
I'm rocking my shades, laughing with hubby and bro-in-law, sipping sangria, and soaking up the sun when it happens. My cell phone rings.<br />
<br />
That's not supposed to happen when I am away. Who'd call me on my cell when I'm away when I rarely get calls when I'm at home? Home care for my mom, that's who would call. My mom isn't answering her phone, her door, they made an appointment earlier in the morning for that day, would she really forget within a few hours? Hmm, not likely. I call my mom's cell, scrounge for her boyfriend's number then call him, then his cell, and finally reach him. Nope, he'd just been to my mom's and she hadn't answered and her car was there. He'd been told to bring her a loaf of bread but now he was on his way home.<br />
<br />
Damn. This is bad. I look at my phone. I haven't charged it since the night before and the battery is lower but not too bad. I call my son to see where he is, can he zip to grandma's to see what's going on? I have a key to her place but it's at my house. Maybe if I call the office of her apartment building they'll let my son in. Better yet, maybe they'll just go in to see what's going on because it's going to take my son a good half an hour to get to my mom's. I tell my son to head to grandma's and I'll call him back. I locate and call the office of my mom's apartment. They're reluctant to go in but understand that the situation could be serious and saving time could be critical. They will check and call me back.<br />
<br />
I check my charge on my battery. Getting lower all the time. I just need it to hang on until the office calls me back. I still need to call home care, my mom's boyfriend, and my son back. I'm trying to stay calm but my stomach is in knots. I am 99% sure something is seriously wrong and as all possible scenarios are swirling in my head, I receive a text. Oh no, I don't have the battery charge for this.<br />
<br />
It's my biological mother, returning my "we're here" text I'd sent when we'd gotten into town. What are my plans? Did I want to get together that day? What did I want to do? What were we doing right now? Ugh...this CAN'T be happening.<br />
<br />
I start to text back what's going on with my mom, I may have to head back home etc. and it's impossible. Too many details for a text and I can't call as I am waiting to hear back and cannot miss that call. So, I make arrangements to meet up later with bio mom while worrying my mom mom is laying dead in her apartment. Crazy! Everything ultimately turned out alright, my mom did need help but it wasn't life threatening and the visit with bio mom went well but for a moment or two, I couldn't believe that what I dreaded was actually happening.Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-23211090073184639392012-09-07T09:01:00.000-07:002012-09-07T09:01:58.394-07:00"Ban spanking outright, CMA journal urges"<a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/ban-spanking-outright-cma-journal-urges/article4518670/?cmpid=rss1">Now this is what I like to see. Boooo @ spanking</a><br />
<br />
Yeah yeah, I know, your parents spanked you and you turned out fine. Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-5916297245348457432012-08-07T08:27:00.000-07:002012-08-07T08:27:19.315-07:00Are you coping with a difficult, aging parent? How do you stay sane?It's been a while since I've written here. I've thought about it but just haven't had much to say that was suitable to share publicly.<br />
<br />
To say I've been struggling in my relationship with my mom would be an understatement and because of this I've been doing a lot of soul searching and a bit of whining. Ok, maybe its the other way around, you'd have to ask my poor husband.<br />
<br />
How people affect us affects those around us, I think we can all agree that's a fact.<br />
<br />
In my marriage to my son's dad I reached that point where I needed to shut up about all the difficulties, people had listened enough. I either needed to do something about the bad relationship or quit putting it on everyone else by constantly talking about our issues. Ultimately, I did something about it and got out of the marriage.<br />
<br />
What does a person do when the difficult person in your life is a parent? I know some people just walk away, cut the parent out of their life but I just can't. My conscience won't allow it. So, how do I cope? <br />
<br />
How do we deal with an aging, difficult parent? I googled it and found an article written on the subject. Judging by the hundreds of ongoing comments at the piece, I am not alone, something I found comforting,<br />
<br />
I will figure it out. Figure out how to be myself yet disassociate (as much as possible) emotionally. Figure out how to utilize my support system without alienating and driving everyone crazy.<br />
<br />
I will not let my difficult parent turn me into the kind of person who is a complete drag to be around.<br />
<br />
All women are not mother material and I am not the only person who's never had the perfect mom for me. <br />
<br />
How do you cope?Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-68111564276993391892012-06-26T05:31:00.000-07:002012-06-26T05:31:52.623-07:00When was the last time you were around a day old baby?My stepson and daughter-in-law recently has their first child. Wow, what a great experience. Full of many emotions, thoughts, memories, especially for us mother types.<br />
<br />
It was when my son mentioned that he'd not ever been around a baby that was less than two full days old it occurred to me that most of us aren't around newborns very often. We're usually only around newborn babies when they're our own or one of our children's children.<br />
<br />
When its our own baby, it can quite often have been many, many years ago. Memory fails us, or fades just enough that our facts our shaky or our ideas and knowledge outdated. Some things never change, I know, but the exact details of the way things were very often do.<br />
<br />
I clearly remember looking into my son's eyes at birth, just how dark and inquiring they were. I remember my anxieties over a newborn, anxieties about starvation and choking. I remember the concern I had when my son slept a little too long, is he still breathing?<br />
<br />
I took my mom to visit my new granddaughter yesterday. She's a sleepy baby. Tickles and whispers in the ear have no effect on this little angel, when she's out, she's out. So cute. <br />
<br />
The new message for "safe sleep" is pretty much baby on its back with nothing but a sleeper. No swaddling, no pillows or blankets, no toys, no nuthin'! It makes sense to me although that's not how I did it 22 years ago. Live and learn, as they say. It's the way it should be, learning from the past and doing things better.<br />
<br />
On the way home from my stepson's my mom and I discussed the fact that she didn't have me at home as a newly born newborn. A month makes a big difference. Mom talked about how we "boarder" babies didn't get the same attention as the other babies, perhaps that's why when I came home I pretty much slept through the night on my own. It's definitely why I had sores on my face because "I slept on unbleached cotton sheets that didn't get changed often enough".<br />
<br />
Hmm. I take all this with a grain of salt. Obviously it could be true but I don't consider my mom an excellent source of factual information on any other subject so why would I assume this scenario was true. Not that it couldn't be, I just can't be sure.<br />
<br />
Being around my new to the world granddaughter has reconfirmed my belief that although newborn babies could possibly recognize their mother's smell or voice, they don't feel loss when they aren't in her arms or presence. They aren't born perfect little nursers who automatically latch on to their mothers' breasts and they are totally cool with any Tom, Dick or Harry holding them. It's as they grow they begin to recognize people, become attached to parents and other family members. <br />
<br />
Love and healthy attachment aren't just a given. Good parent/child relationships take time and energy to develop, it's not something that's just handed to you along with your baby upon giving birth.<br />
<br />
You may be attached to your baby but don't kid yourself into thinking your baby is magically attached to you. You have to be there, do the work, thus developing a bond of love and trust. <br />
<br />
If it's that way with newborns who've had no bad experience with adults, with anyone, how can people not realize how difficult it will be for older kids who've been screwed around by their "natural" parents for years or were never really cared for at all by them, have been let down by adult after adult their entire young lives.<br />
<br />
It's so beautiful witnessing a much wanted baby become familiar with the world and her good, caring parents. It's a treat to be given the chance to develop a grandparental relationship.<br />
<br />
I'm a very lucky woman...in spite of the fact I quite likely slept on pukey, stiff sheets for the first month of my life.Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5210353425616744235.post-32891262980572787672012-06-17T13:59:00.000-07:002013-06-15T07:13:31.930-07:00The Perfect Dad For MeIt's Father's Day and I want to tell you a bit about my good dad.<br />
<br />
What I say about my dad most likely would differ from what my sister or brother would say. <br />
<br />
Quite often one child sees a parent differently than another, with many dynamics influencing the relationship. Gender, interests, sense of humor, birth order, and temperament are all factors in parent/child relationships. Also, relationships can change over time, for example I think had my brother not died so young he and my/our dad may have grown even closer as my brother spent more time being a father.<br />
<br />
Anyway, that said, here's what I want to say about my dad. <br />
<br />
My dad was the perfect dad for me. I know I disappointed him sometimes but I also know he truly forgave me when I did. My dad was completely dedicated to me, to all of his kids, to our family. <br />
<br />
I know this because we talked about it once while canoeing. At this point in life I was a grown woman and mom. The conversation started out with me admonishing him for being snarky with my mom, before she even did anything annoying, almost in anticipation. I told him it made him look bad and if he was so angry with my mom, why hadn't they just split up ages ago and put everyone out of their misery?<br />
<br />
Well, I never expected the response I got and will never forget it. <br />
<br />
He told me there was no way he'd have ever left us kids. That if he and my mom had split up, there's no way back then he'd have gotten custody of us. He'd made a commitment to my brother and sister and I and no matter how difficult his life was being married to my mom, he would never have left us alone with her, never have put his own needs ahead of ours. In his mind, he was one of our needs.<br />
<br />
Wow.<br />
<br />
And that was just the biggie. <br />
<br />
My dad also coached my softball teams and never complained about the shit bag lunches I grudgingly made him. He came out to watch me participate in everything I did, and sincerely forgave me when I messed up. My dad set an example of being hard working, honest, and kind to others. He taught me about short term pain for long term gain and about pride in integrity.<br />
<br />
I learned from him to walk away from trouble but that there's also times when there's a need for dropping the gloves to fight for myself or what's right. Yeah, at times there was a generation gap between Dad's and my beliefs but he understood and accepted that. Another lesson learned. <br />
<br />
My dad was the most excellent grandfather to my son. How fortunate to have had a dad who provided my son with such a positive male role model. Oh how grandpa is missed.<br />
<br />
My dad taught my son and I about finding joy in the smallest of things, a perfect butter tart or a pair of socks wrapped up for Christmas. <br />
<br />
I was fortunate to see my dad in two lights, the frugal, hard working husband and father and the retired, laid back, "let me by you a drink" father and grandfather.<br />
<br />
I loved dancing with my dad. Who didn't?<br />
<br />
As an adult in the home I have now I loved preparing him a special meal, bringing him a cup of coffee, mixing him a perfect rum and coke, not too strong. He was always so appreciative, got so much out of being here with me, my husband, and my son, his grandson, his partner.<br />
<br />
One of my last memories of dad was of him sitting here in my living room, smile on his face, and him telling me how much he loved being in my home. I cherish that and all my other memories of my dad.<br />
<br />
I am so lucky to have had the perfect dad for me.<br />
<br />
Happy Father's Day to all you good dads out there. You rock.Campbellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13600505149020853906noreply@blogger.com3