Something I don't understand about some adoption reform activists is their determination to always paint everything as black and white, to over simplify, to make useless (sometimes embarrassing or insulting) comparisons.
There is nothing about unwanted pregnancy, adoption, adoption reunion that is simple and when we declare things should be this way or that, it sets people up for failure and misinforms or misleads Joe Public who has no hands on exposure to the issue of adoption and reunion, sealed records, adoptee or parental rights.
We can not like a circumstance we find ourselves in and most times all we have control over is how we react to it. This lesson in itself is hard enough to learn and remember, how is it helpful to have our heads filled with mommy magic notions? Or told that if we just did this or did that, poof we'd have access to our heritage, our birth records, or medical history?
Talking about the fact that adopted people should have the right to their own personal information about their birth and familial medical history is a great things to do. Romanticising it or saying if we would just stop waiting for our parents (adoptive) to die before saying what we think or want everything would be rainbows and unicorns, to borrow a common adoption reference, is counterproductive. I think we need to look at the situation with as little bias as possible, as much understanding and compassion as we're capable, and with the intelligence to know how very complicated and situation specific unwanted pregnancy, infertility, and adoption is.
My mom (adoptive for those that don't know I refer to the woman who adopted and raised me as mom) gave me the newborn picture my biological mother left for my parents in my 50th birthday card. When I look at it and think about that baby being left alone and at the mercy of the government and hospital I thank my lucky stars for how well things did go for me. It's amazing that I am ok and I am proud of myself for surviving and at times, thriving.
Adoption and any resulting reunion is unpredictable. I nor anyone else can tell you what will happen, how involved parties will or should behave. All we can do is talk about our experience, if we want to, and respect that others' circumstances are different from our own.
Wednesday
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat some worms
I have been so depressed lately.
I have somehow managed to allow my self esteem to take quite the beating.
There's such a fine line between listening to people's criticism in order to improve oneself and letting oneself be destroyed. I have always struggled with knowing whether I am actually feeling sorry for myself, being hypersensitive, or if I am actually being treated poorly.
I suppose the source of criticism or disappointment is an important thing to consider. As in, we value some people's opinions more than others. Even still, sometimes we may not value a person's opinion but their insensitive or unkind behaviour is extremely difficult to ignore, to internalize. It still hurts and is capable of shaking our self esteem.
I think part of what's happened to me lately is that I have kept in my disappointment, my anger, my hurt and strayed from my proven method of coping with the day to day disappointments in life.
I am not normally the type to give the silent treatment. I want to fix things now, not let them stew. I will give in or compromise to achieve harmony. I will also own and apologize for my culpability. I will weigh the benefit of putting an end to an argument and give someone I love and respect the benefit of the doubt. I don't like getting the silent treatment, and I've learned it doesn't do me a damned bit of good to force myself to give it.
I am turning 50 soon, something that doesn't bother me as far as age goes. In fact, after having breast cancer, I am extremely happy to get as many years older as I possibly can.
It does bother me to turn 50 with a negative opinion of myself. To turn 50 with less confidence than I had a year ago. It does bother me to turn 50 still needing outside validation to have healthy self esteem.
I don't think I am capable of having a healthy self esteem on my own but then forced or less than sincere demonstrations of love and appreciation mean nothing to me.
Personally, I think sometimes my need to feel special, valued, important, makes me act in ways that ultimately afffect my self esteem negatively. Hell, I don't think it, I know it.
Life ain't easy, is it?
I have somehow managed to allow my self esteem to take quite the beating.
There's such a fine line between listening to people's criticism in order to improve oneself and letting oneself be destroyed. I have always struggled with knowing whether I am actually feeling sorry for myself, being hypersensitive, or if I am actually being treated poorly.
I suppose the source of criticism or disappointment is an important thing to consider. As in, we value some people's opinions more than others. Even still, sometimes we may not value a person's opinion but their insensitive or unkind behaviour is extremely difficult to ignore, to internalize. It still hurts and is capable of shaking our self esteem.
I think part of what's happened to me lately is that I have kept in my disappointment, my anger, my hurt and strayed from my proven method of coping with the day to day disappointments in life.
I am not normally the type to give the silent treatment. I want to fix things now, not let them stew. I will give in or compromise to achieve harmony. I will also own and apologize for my culpability. I will weigh the benefit of putting an end to an argument and give someone I love and respect the benefit of the doubt. I don't like getting the silent treatment, and I've learned it doesn't do me a damned bit of good to force myself to give it.
I am turning 50 soon, something that doesn't bother me as far as age goes. In fact, after having breast cancer, I am extremely happy to get as many years older as I possibly can.
It does bother me to turn 50 with a negative opinion of myself. To turn 50 with less confidence than I had a year ago. It does bother me to turn 50 still needing outside validation to have healthy self esteem.
I don't think I am capable of having a healthy self esteem on my own but then forced or less than sincere demonstrations of love and appreciation mean nothing to me.
Personally, I think sometimes my need to feel special, valued, important, makes me act in ways that ultimately afffect my self esteem negatively. Hell, I don't think it, I know it.
Life ain't easy, is it?
I quit!
I had a milestone in January. I achieved a full year of being a quitter, quitter of cigarettes that is. Its such an unbelievable thing to me. I clearly remember all the times when I was smoking that I would wish that I magically just didn't smoke because the thought of quitting smoking was just too daunting, a completely unreasonable, unattainable goal.
Now, well, I did it. It's cool. It's weird. It's quite the feat.
Watching TCM was killer at first, mildly annoying now. Man those old time movie stars could make having a smoke look good and do they ever smoke alot! It's helpful there's no commercials so there's no time for a smoke break anyway. Mmmm...just picturing them.
I love smoking. I cannot believe cigarette companies can't come up with some kind of cigarette that's good for us. A smoke that's filled with omega 3's and antioxidents that would be as healthy as an apple a day.
That'd be sweet.
I don't miss being controlled by cigarettes. Thinking ahead, conserving, planning, hiding, freezing, stinking, craving...oops, to be totally honest the cravings I do still get now and then but nothing like in the beginning. I never thought I would get to a place where I could go a day without craving a smoke, but I have. Course, I am dying for one right now because I am thinking about it but these days, it's easily controlled. Huge, deep breaths work as well as anything.
I didn't use any smoking cessation products. Unless you count the gum I used a few times. It really burns the throat though and the one I used didn't exactly taste good so, no worries about becoming dependant on that.
When I was smoking, I knew there was no pill or hypnosis or laser treatment that would help me quit. I wished there was, but I knew that I liked smoking tooooo much. It had to be me all me, my stubborn, determined, resilient self that would have to step up to the task and really want it and suffer for it. I also knew wanting it for myself wasn't enough but when my son said to me, "Mom, now will you quit smoking?", that did it. When I said yes, that I would quit now, I knew I had to.
It helped to know I was perfectly capable of getting cancer. I think there are some people who are immune and couldn't it be possible I was one of them? Possible perhaps, but not the case. I was lucky enough to find and treat an invasive cancer before it invaded so who was I to keep on keeping on when the universe and the medical community were intent on keeping me alive, for now.
I think that was another big factor that contributed to my success in quitting smoking. Shame. I was quite ashamed to be smoking while all these people were working to get rid of my cancer and it felt real good to say I was a quitter at my radiation sessions, oncologist and surgeon appointments. Everyone was super supportive and really never appeared judgemental. Very cool people.
SO, if you're trying to quit, or trying to stay quit, keep up the hard work cause hard work it is!
If you know someone who is quitting, give them tons of support and encouragement. It really is a big deal to quit or try to quit.
If you've tried and haven't quite succeeded yet, don't be too hard on yourself!! It's ok to try again if you want, to try as many times as you want. If you mess up and have one smoke, just start over!
Quitting smoking is as difficult as it is enjoyable to those of us who love smoking but just remember, if I could do it, anyone can.
Deep breaths.
Now, well, I did it. It's cool. It's weird. It's quite the feat.
Watching TCM was killer at first, mildly annoying now. Man those old time movie stars could make having a smoke look good and do they ever smoke alot! It's helpful there's no commercials so there's no time for a smoke break anyway. Mmmm...just picturing them.
I love smoking. I cannot believe cigarette companies can't come up with some kind of cigarette that's good for us. A smoke that's filled with omega 3's and antioxidents that would be as healthy as an apple a day.
That'd be sweet.
I don't miss being controlled by cigarettes. Thinking ahead, conserving, planning, hiding, freezing, stinking, craving...oops, to be totally honest the cravings I do still get now and then but nothing like in the beginning. I never thought I would get to a place where I could go a day without craving a smoke, but I have. Course, I am dying for one right now because I am thinking about it but these days, it's easily controlled. Huge, deep breaths work as well as anything.
I didn't use any smoking cessation products. Unless you count the gum I used a few times. It really burns the throat though and the one I used didn't exactly taste good so, no worries about becoming dependant on that.
When I was smoking, I knew there was no pill or hypnosis or laser treatment that would help me quit. I wished there was, but I knew that I liked smoking tooooo much. It had to be me all me, my stubborn, determined, resilient self that would have to step up to the task and really want it and suffer for it. I also knew wanting it for myself wasn't enough but when my son said to me, "Mom, now will you quit smoking?", that did it. When I said yes, that I would quit now, I knew I had to.
It helped to know I was perfectly capable of getting cancer. I think there are some people who are immune and couldn't it be possible I was one of them? Possible perhaps, but not the case. I was lucky enough to find and treat an invasive cancer before it invaded so who was I to keep on keeping on when the universe and the medical community were intent on keeping me alive, for now.
I think that was another big factor that contributed to my success in quitting smoking. Shame. I was quite ashamed to be smoking while all these people were working to get rid of my cancer and it felt real good to say I was a quitter at my radiation sessions, oncologist and surgeon appointments. Everyone was super supportive and really never appeared judgemental. Very cool people.
SO, if you're trying to quit, or trying to stay quit, keep up the hard work cause hard work it is!
If you know someone who is quitting, give them tons of support and encouragement. It really is a big deal to quit or try to quit.
If you've tried and haven't quite succeeded yet, don't be too hard on yourself!! It's ok to try again if you want, to try as many times as you want. If you mess up and have one smoke, just start over!
Quitting smoking is as difficult as it is enjoyable to those of us who love smoking but just remember, if I could do it, anyone can.
Deep breaths.
Sunday
And your point is?
It's the strangest thing when a difficult parent is seriously ill. There's this push and pull that cannot be appreciated by someone who hasn't experienced it.
One minute your stomach is in knots and you're frightened for their life, doing anything you can to help them live. The next you're like, "did you really just say that to me after I just saved your life?"
Is it that they don't appreciate us or is it that they just don't appreciate their life? Is it that they know we'll always be there for them so shitting on us repeatedly has no risk?
Although never surprised at my mother's complete disregard for my feelings, I am always perplexed by it. How can she not care how hurt I am? How my own child feels, especially how I am making him feel, means more to me than anything else. I would never put anyone ahead of my child. Never have and never will.
Is it because I am adopted that my mother has such disregard for me? I don't think so though I do think my mother should have been screened more thoroughly, even though I realize there are worse mothers out there. At this point in time she'd likely not admit or remember it but she told me a long time ago, in a way that was meant to be critical of the social worker who was involved in my adoption, that she'd almost not gotten me. The social worker had said she was worried my mom was too intent on getting a baby just like the first one she'd adopted. My mom thought the social worker was wrong. I think the social worker may have been on to something.
I am awake and writing this because my mom called me fom the hospital to see if I was coming with her to another hospital for a test she's having. When she called it was 6:45am on Sunday and the test is tomorrow Monday at 2pm. Its my understanding nobody goes with her, the test is simple, painless xray. I got up anyway and chatted a bit with my mom, just to make sure she was ok.
Yesterday was a tough day as my mom chastised me for refusing contact with someone who has mistreated and taken advantage of me for many years, someone I have finally decided to cut out of my life. My mother disapproves of the fact I am refusing to facilitate her ongoing relationship with this person. In spite of the fact that my conscience is clear and I know I am not in the wrong, oh, and in spite of the fact that I am 50 years old, it still hurts to have your mom take the enemy's side.
Am I the only one going though this?
One minute your stomach is in knots and you're frightened for their life, doing anything you can to help them live. The next you're like, "did you really just say that to me after I just saved your life?"
Is it that they don't appreciate us or is it that they just don't appreciate their life? Is it that they know we'll always be there for them so shitting on us repeatedly has no risk?
Although never surprised at my mother's complete disregard for my feelings, I am always perplexed by it. How can she not care how hurt I am? How my own child feels, especially how I am making him feel, means more to me than anything else. I would never put anyone ahead of my child. Never have and never will.
Is it because I am adopted that my mother has such disregard for me? I don't think so though I do think my mother should have been screened more thoroughly, even though I realize there are worse mothers out there. At this point in time she'd likely not admit or remember it but she told me a long time ago, in a way that was meant to be critical of the social worker who was involved in my adoption, that she'd almost not gotten me. The social worker had said she was worried my mom was too intent on getting a baby just like the first one she'd adopted. My mom thought the social worker was wrong. I think the social worker may have been on to something.
I am awake and writing this because my mom called me fom the hospital to see if I was coming with her to another hospital for a test she's having. When she called it was 6:45am on Sunday and the test is tomorrow Monday at 2pm. Its my understanding nobody goes with her, the test is simple, painless xray. I got up anyway and chatted a bit with my mom, just to make sure she was ok.
Yesterday was a tough day as my mom chastised me for refusing contact with someone who has mistreated and taken advantage of me for many years, someone I have finally decided to cut out of my life. My mother disapproves of the fact I am refusing to facilitate her ongoing relationship with this person. In spite of the fact that my conscience is clear and I know I am not in the wrong, oh, and in spite of the fact that I am 50 years old, it still hurts to have your mom take the enemy's side.
Am I the only one going though this?
Friday
Lest We Forget
Remembrance Day, November 11th
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae (1872-1918) Canadian
Saturday
I hate meeces to pieces! Especially the baby ones.
Great news! If your mom didn't want or like you, finally you don't have to take it personally!!
Ana Ribeiro, an author of the study and postdoctoral fellow at Rockefeller University, explains: “Once the gene was silenced, not only did the moms not nurse or lick their baby pups, but they wouldn’t even move the baby mice back into the cage or fight off a strange intruder. In other words, our study shows that, without this gene, the skills to be ‘a good mom’ were lost.” Looky here for the source.
This doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Hopefully this will contribute to an acceptance that not all females are born to be mythical matenal goddesses and that oxytocin isn't the magic mommy potion some people want to make it out to be.
If you feel like you're not cut out to be a mom, maybe you aren't and there's nothing wrong with that. Dont allow yourself to be badgered into it and please, try really hard not to get pregnant.
If you feel like you're not cut out to be a mom and you already are one, find someone to talk to about it. I know it's tough since most people hold women to unrealistic maternal standards but there are people who understand that some women struggle and that there's nothing to be ashamed of. Seek them out and talk about what's going on and please, try really hard not to get pregnant again.
If you can't get pregnant and come to realize that you're actually ok with that, don't let society or your partner pressure or shame you into believing that you couldn't possibly be ok with it and please, don't "just" adopt.
Do you think all females are mommy material? Could there be a mommy gene in humans?
Ana Ribeiro, an author of the study and postdoctoral fellow at Rockefeller University, explains: “Once the gene was silenced, not only did the moms not nurse or lick their baby pups, but they wouldn’t even move the baby mice back into the cage or fight off a strange intruder. In other words, our study shows that, without this gene, the skills to be ‘a good mom’ were lost.” Looky here for the source.
This doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Hopefully this will contribute to an acceptance that not all females are born to be mythical matenal goddesses and that oxytocin isn't the magic mommy potion some people want to make it out to be.
If you feel like you're not cut out to be a mom, maybe you aren't and there's nothing wrong with that. Dont allow yourself to be badgered into it and please, try really hard not to get pregnant.
If you feel like you're not cut out to be a mom and you already are one, find someone to talk to about it. I know it's tough since most people hold women to unrealistic maternal standards but there are people who understand that some women struggle and that there's nothing to be ashamed of. Seek them out and talk about what's going on and please, try really hard not to get pregnant again.
If you can't get pregnant and come to realize that you're actually ok with that, don't let society or your partner pressure or shame you into believing that you couldn't possibly be ok with it and please, don't "just" adopt.
Do you think all females are mommy material? Could there be a mommy gene in humans?
This Just Can't Be Happening...Oh Yes It Can
When I used to consider searching for my biological people, mother in particular, one of the deterrents was ending up with two mothers giving me heartburn. Twice the hassle. More family to worry about, answer to. Do I really want two mothers? What if the second one is even more difficult than the first? Well, believe it or not, I found myself in just such a situation this past week.
I'm sitting with my husband and brother-in-law at a nice outdoor patio, about to devour a pitcher of sangria. The sun is shining, I'm away on a short holiday and this is our first day there.
Part of the reason we've visited at this time is that my biological mother is also visiting this particular city. We've been in touch about getting together and it's supposed to happen at some point. We will arrange something via text once I arrive.
Back to my patio.
I'm rocking my shades, laughing with hubby and bro-in-law, sipping sangria, and soaking up the sun when it happens. My cell phone rings.
That's not supposed to happen when I am away. Who'd call me on my cell when I'm away when I rarely get calls when I'm at home? Home care for my mom, that's who would call. My mom isn't answering her phone, her door, they made an appointment earlier in the morning for that day, would she really forget within a few hours? Hmm, not likely. I call my mom's cell, scrounge for her boyfriend's number then call him, then his cell, and finally reach him. Nope, he'd just been to my mom's and she hadn't answered and her car was there. He'd been told to bring her a loaf of bread but now he was on his way home.
Damn. This is bad. I look at my phone. I haven't charged it since the night before and the battery is lower but not too bad. I call my son to see where he is, can he zip to grandma's to see what's going on? I have a key to her place but it's at my house. Maybe if I call the office of her apartment building they'll let my son in. Better yet, maybe they'll just go in to see what's going on because it's going to take my son a good half an hour to get to my mom's. I tell my son to head to grandma's and I'll call him back. I locate and call the office of my mom's apartment. They're reluctant to go in but understand that the situation could be serious and saving time could be critical. They will check and call me back.
I check my charge on my battery. Getting lower all the time. I just need it to hang on until the office calls me back. I still need to call home care, my mom's boyfriend, and my son back. I'm trying to stay calm but my stomach is in knots. I am 99% sure something is seriously wrong and as all possible scenarios are swirling in my head, I receive a text. Oh no, I don't have the battery charge for this.
It's my biological mother, returning my "we're here" text I'd sent when we'd gotten into town. What are my plans? Did I want to get together that day? What did I want to do? What were we doing right now? Ugh...this CAN'T be happening.
I start to text back what's going on with my mom, I may have to head back home etc. and it's impossible. Too many details for a text and I can't call as I am waiting to hear back and cannot miss that call. So, I make arrangements to meet up later with bio mom while worrying my mom mom is laying dead in her apartment. Crazy! Everything ultimately turned out alright, my mom did need help but it wasn't life threatening and the visit with bio mom went well but for a moment or two, I couldn't believe that what I dreaded was actually happening.
I'm sitting with my husband and brother-in-law at a nice outdoor patio, about to devour a pitcher of sangria. The sun is shining, I'm away on a short holiday and this is our first day there.
Part of the reason we've visited at this time is that my biological mother is also visiting this particular city. We've been in touch about getting together and it's supposed to happen at some point. We will arrange something via text once I arrive.
Back to my patio.
I'm rocking my shades, laughing with hubby and bro-in-law, sipping sangria, and soaking up the sun when it happens. My cell phone rings.
That's not supposed to happen when I am away. Who'd call me on my cell when I'm away when I rarely get calls when I'm at home? Home care for my mom, that's who would call. My mom isn't answering her phone, her door, they made an appointment earlier in the morning for that day, would she really forget within a few hours? Hmm, not likely. I call my mom's cell, scrounge for her boyfriend's number then call him, then his cell, and finally reach him. Nope, he'd just been to my mom's and she hadn't answered and her car was there. He'd been told to bring her a loaf of bread but now he was on his way home.
Damn. This is bad. I look at my phone. I haven't charged it since the night before and the battery is lower but not too bad. I call my son to see where he is, can he zip to grandma's to see what's going on? I have a key to her place but it's at my house. Maybe if I call the office of her apartment building they'll let my son in. Better yet, maybe they'll just go in to see what's going on because it's going to take my son a good half an hour to get to my mom's. I tell my son to head to grandma's and I'll call him back. I locate and call the office of my mom's apartment. They're reluctant to go in but understand that the situation could be serious and saving time could be critical. They will check and call me back.
I check my charge on my battery. Getting lower all the time. I just need it to hang on until the office calls me back. I still need to call home care, my mom's boyfriend, and my son back. I'm trying to stay calm but my stomach is in knots. I am 99% sure something is seriously wrong and as all possible scenarios are swirling in my head, I receive a text. Oh no, I don't have the battery charge for this.
It's my biological mother, returning my "we're here" text I'd sent when we'd gotten into town. What are my plans? Did I want to get together that day? What did I want to do? What were we doing right now? Ugh...this CAN'T be happening.
I start to text back what's going on with my mom, I may have to head back home etc. and it's impossible. Too many details for a text and I can't call as I am waiting to hear back and cannot miss that call. So, I make arrangements to meet up later with bio mom while worrying my mom mom is laying dead in her apartment. Crazy! Everything ultimately turned out alright, my mom did need help but it wasn't life threatening and the visit with bio mom went well but for a moment or two, I couldn't believe that what I dreaded was actually happening.
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