Thinking outside our own little postage stamps of experience

I have been drawn to the thread I'm linking to on this post on and off over the past month or so. It's a fascinating contrast to posts about auto-mommies and their auto-love, how blood conquers all.

I imagine the OP didn't expect to generate so many comments from those who can relate. Or maybe she did. I am not surprised by the huge response. I've seen a few moms IRL over the years who likely/maybe love their kids but clearly do/did not enjoy being a mother. If I noticed, you can bet their kids notice too.

Now, my intent in this post isn't to say all these kids should be, or should have been, adopted. My intent is to try and bring awareness to those who believe in auto-mommy magic. To do my part in encouraging women who don't want kids to not feel pressured to have them. To maybe help a woman who is feeling inferior as a mother to realize she is not a freak, that there are others who aren't feeling the mommy thing, or worse.

I worry about mothers, biological or not, being set up for failure.

It's ok to not want kids and I applaud those who don't go ahead and have them anyway. If you figure out you didn't want kids after the fact, don't have more. If you love your kids but are struggling or are struggling with the fact you feel you may not, I wish there was more understanding and support.

I wish the myths and fairy tales about women and motherhood would become extinct.



Honesty is such a lonely word

I just read a blog post about a mother telling an adoptee acquaintance how it was for her when she gave her child up for adoption. This particular mother's experience sounds horrible and she seems to be the kind of woman who wants a mother/child type relationship after reuniting with her adopted, now adult, child.

I've come away thinking about that adoptee and how he may be processing the info imparted to him. I came away wondering if this mother also spoke of the mothers who were not coerced or drugged, the mothers who didn't want their baby, the mothers who have no desire to know or have a parent/child relationship with their adopted out, now adult kids. The mothers who put it all behind them and went on with their lives.

This particular adoptee has to date not searched. He will be affected by this new knowledge, in what manner is anyone's guess, but it will have an effect. If the mother who shared her experience only shared her own and made no mention of the various other scenarios that exist, I think she may have done this adoptee a disservice.

Ever since I've started blogging my way of talking about being adopted has changed. I still talk about it, about myself, but I also talk about all the other people I've learned about. If I share how I feel about something, something like the Primal Wound theory or open records or access to OBC's, I will always add that not everyone feels the way I do. If I talk about my family and how my adoption worked out, I make sure and add that that's not the case for everyone, that it's literally a crap shoot. Some adoptees end up with horrible families, adoption isn't a guarantee that we won't be like everyone else.

I think as adoptees we have a responsibility to be honest and open about what we know if we decide to talk about our experience. I think parents have that same responsibility. 

I think we set each other up for failure when we withhold information.