You think that's not objective

Amanda has an interesting post up about open adoption. There is much in it that I agree with as well as an aspect I'd not thought much about before which is the idea that open adoption was created to make it easier for parents to relinquish, something that could very well be true.

Problem with that is, from my non objective point of view, is that I just can't see open adoption being easier or better, for anyone. Not in my personal experience anyway.

I mean, unless the parents are blatantly incompetent for the rest of time and it's obviously a case of lucking in to a better familial situation, how could it not be weird for a young child to see perfectly capable people functioning, perhaps parenting further kept kids, and not be negatively affected? I would imagine more often than not the people who give up a baby eventually get their act together, if they didn't already have it together but just didn't want kids, so how is a child's mind to perceive it all?

Maybe it would be easier for an adopted child in an open adoption to stomach having bio parents who didn't want kids at all and never had any more. I don't know, it's just so hard to picture having grown up knowing my bio mother, watching her parent her kept children. It's quite likely I'd have at some point wanted to go live with them. Would I have been told no? What would that have done to my brain, my self worth, my attitude toward my adoptive family?

I'm glad I was in a closed adoption situation. I knew the score, who my family was. Yes, while growing up I didn't know what had happened to land me in an adoption but I just can't get my head around the alternative. To this day I've never felt abandoned but can't honestly say I'd feel that way had I been exposed to a lifetime of observing a perfectly intact family who just didn't want me, or weren't allowed to get me back if they did.

For me, having the option of finding my biological people, with all the tools to do so being easily accessible, if and when I felt the urge is the perfect scenario to my adoptee mind.

Maybe Amanda is right. Maybe without open adoption, in this age and part of the world where unwed parents aren't that big of a deal, less people would be inclined to choose adoption.

My disclaimer to this post is for all those people who work extremely hard to parent children in open adoption situations. For the people who have chosen adoption but do the best they can to cooperate, love, care for and support their children. I know they are out there and my perspective is based on my personal experience with the parents and circumstance of birth that I was dealt.

I am in agreement with the sentiment that there are far worse things in life than adoption, open or not.

Children who are loved, shown respect, and have parents who put their egos aside and children's needs before their own will survive, even thrive, no matter how unique the family circumstance.



I read quite a few adoption blogs and it's pretty much the same old, same old most of the time. Yesterday though I ran across a little tidbit that made my blood boil, and then run cold.

"I've always prepared for my adopted child to say "You're not my real mommy, I hate you, I want my real mommy." And do you know what I will honestly think? "You're not my real daughter, and I DO want my real daughter. But I LOVE you. No matter what.""

I have a few problems with this, not the least of which is that this person adopts period.

Who says shit like this? Who says to their kid who is adopted that they aren't their real son or daughter? Who tells their kid who is adopted that they want their real daughter, their daughter who died?

I note that the person said they will honestly "think", not necessarily say the words but you know what? Thinking it is bad enough.

If you don't intend to think of your adopted kids as your real kids, really, don't adopt.