This one IS all about you

I wrote my last two posts to put my experience out there for people to read.

I'm using this post to defend myself in writing them.

Seems some have taken issue with what I wrote, as if what I'd written was to them, at them, or about them.

It wasn't.

For the record, again, I did not experience postpartum depression. Not a smidgeon.

I would be one of those fortunate females who did feel an instant bond with my son, possibly even prenatally, hell, maybe even pre-conception. Being a mother came very naturally to me and my desire to be a good one has been the driving force in my life since conception but because it was/is this way for me doesn't mean it must be like that for everyone else. To say so would be insulting, to believe it's so would be ignorant.

Upon getting pregnant, the nutritional value in every morsel of food I ate was considered and not one prescribed or over the counter drug was ingested. Prior to pregnancy, parenting choices such as circumcision and corporal punishment were discussed, kinds of schooling were considered, parenting style agreements were reached. I took becoming a parent very seriously, joyfully, excitedly, and oh so willingly.

The bond my son and I have is unbreakable, unmatchable, and enviable to some. The respect, trust and familiarity we enjoy is such a pleasure and worth every ounce of thought, consideration, and energy that's gone into developing our relationship. To this day I still carefully consider how to conduct myself as a mother of a young adult son. Being a good parent is ever evolving, ever selfless, best performed without ego, without preconceived ideas or fantasies, and without bitterness toward our own childhoods. Remembering how one felt as a child is essential to effective parenting but is entirely different than being dictated to by it. And don't even bother to try and convince me it would be the same way had I put no thought and effort into being a mom, that the act of giving birth in itself would have been enough. I have first hand experience with that alternative.

My son is not the only person with whom I have a strong connection and meaningful relationship with. I have life long relationships with friends and I am regularly in touch with and close to my mother, my sister, and many uncles, aunts, and cousins. I enjoyed very close relationships with both my father and my brother, both of whom are now deceased.

I have a very loving and well cared for relationship with my husband, and my son and I are fortunate to have been welcomed with open arms into his family. My husband and I have a blended family which has successfully avoided the common step family pitfalls with our sons. These fine young men are friends as well as step brothers, and the five of us have managed family get togethers such as weddings and birthdays with my husband's and my ex family members, including ex spouses, with class and grace, much of which is a direct result of how I personally have chosen to conduct myself and treat others.

Nope, you won't get away with calling this woman, by name in public, someone "with deep issues" who doesn't feel connections to her family. You will not get away with claiming I have a "very sad little life" and declare falsely and publicly that since I don't "know how to form bonds with people proves the PW case tenfold." You will not get away with turning a post about my experience into a slight against you.

Even in my most narcissistic, paranoid, egotistical moments I would never publicly declare a post was about me, unless of course my name was blatantly used in follow up commentary and words from my post quoted, misconstrued, distorted, and given false, conjured up meaning.

The idea to use "Husha husha, we all fall down" as my last post's title came from the last words in my last sentence in which I said, "Conceiving and giving birth has no real power without all the rest and I really think choosing to believe or rely on it having so much stand alone importance is sometimes where we all fall down.".

The thought of using the title, "Husha husha, we all fall down" to call anyone infantile never crossed my mind, although the adjective "infantile" certainly figured prominently in my mind as I read the crap written in the post and comments I'm referring to here.

My posts weren't written with intent "to mock those who express their view of connection as childish, and that all would be well if we would stop singing rhymes and clinging to babyish ideas". What an incredible, self absorbed stretch.

To close, I would like to provide you all with an edited version of a sentence written by my detractor, edited to remove the words "some immediate bond for her newborn infant" and replaced with "didn't,".

It's an interesting sentence in which contradiction is obvious, the applicability to the writer and her supporters amusing, as well as, coincidentally, perfectly in line with my case against some primal wound sufferers and how they dismiss those of us who didn't experience one.

"But to say that you had it and your experience is the norm and that if another woman didn't, SHE had pathology? That's projecting a bunch of weird onto others."

I couldn't have said it any better myself.

P.S.  Don't fuck with me.


  1. This was a great post, even if it had some rumblings behind it. For that, I am sorry. I just wanted to tell you that the "tags" had me rolling. Thank you for making my night. :)


    You go, girl!!!!!! ((HUGS))

    Don't let anyone tell you how YOUR experience is. People love to do that.

  3. So let me get this straight. You wrote a post about your personal situation in reunion and the awkward spaces in communication between yourself and your biomom and it's about........somebody else? That's laughable.

  4. I can't imagine how anyone took your post as being about anyone but you and your relationships. Can't people understand that a different take on a similar experience is not a criticism of them and how they view their own experience? People are different. Are all adoptees now required to view their experience exactly the same way for fear of offending others?
    That is nuts!

  5. All things considered, not linking to the offensive post and comments was unbelievably gracious of you. But I'm glad you responded publicly to it. That post and others are a form of bullying, though the writers (poster and commenters) would probably never recognize it as such.

    How ironic that the very people who declare that no one must ever question their ideas can set themselves up as experts on your life, and get the facts wrong too.

  6. If they can't relate to you or YOUR feelings about YOUR adoption, I have to wonder why do they bother to read your blog???

    I guess if they are too busy pointing at you know one will see through them.


  7. I'm on vacation with family so this will be short. I,too,applaud you,your courage,your wisdom and much more. I think you are totally awesome.

  8. Oh, the Poor Innocent Dismissed who are convinced it's all about them.
    Even when it isn't.
    Oh well, I guess it makes them feel important.


  9. Everyone's experience is different - it's amazing how people cannot accept this. Some people are just too sensitive - they make everything about them.

  10. Now that I'm home, I'm able to add a few more thoughts. First, I hope this recent bullying episode doesn't deter you from continuing to share your story. When I discovered your blog, I went to the archives and read all of your previous posts. For me, a firstmother, they were immensely helpful in adding to my understanding and knowledge about living life as an adoptee. Secondly, as an educator, I have an opportunity to help others whose lives have been affected by adoption and your blog in particular has been a valuable resource in this capacity.
    Thank you so much for all that you do.

  11. Big thanks to all who showed me support on this post, both privately and publicly. I know it's sometimes scary to speak up for someone else. Please know had my name not been used in the false comments that were made and were continued to be made about myself and others, I'd have just ignored the situation as I have in the past.

  12. Campbell, it is tough and scary to stand up to bullies, but needed when they name names. Nothing you wrote here was about them anyhow, but to some people everything is about them and every chance to strike and intimidate is taken. You did what you had to do, from your point of view which is not an attack on anyone else's viewpoint.


Feel free to flag your comment PRIVATE. I realize commenting can be intimidating so if you have something to say to me you'd rather not have published you're welcome to do so, just make sure you let me know it's private. If you want a reply, leave your email address.

I'm also completely fine with good anonymous comments. I've seen some great ones!