Well, I called. I only hmm'd and hawed for a couple of seconds and then just did it.
Bio mom answered and we talked for quite a while. Seems my last email to her was on the short side and she'd decided to wait to mail me back until I'd sent something more substantial. Not really knowing her it would be hard to say for sure, but I got the feeling her nose was a little out of joint. In her defense, seems she hadn't gotten around to reading the second short mail I'd sent asking her to please mail me because I was a little worried. In my own defense, I thought it was her that was due to reply with a longer mail, not me. And so it goes.
We actually talked for quite a while and the conversation was pleasant. I couldn't help but think about other parents and adoptees as I carefully chose my words, making quick decisions about what I should and shouldn't say in conversation, and how easy it would be to mess it all up.
Oh crap, did what I just say sound like I was judging her kids? Damn, did I just talk too much about myself? Uh oh, did I just make myself sound like an alcoholic? Oh no, does she think I'm a whiny bitch for complaining about my sister-in-law?
Prior to calling I had a most excellent visit on an outdoor patio with my oldest and dearest friend. The conversation flowed, words were spoken without fear, intimate details of our lives were exchanged with complete trust in one another. There would be no judgement, no betrayal of things said in confidence, no need to weigh every word prior to uttering them out of fear of offending each other. That's the way things are when you really know someone, have concrete history with them, and have nurtured a relationship for 40 years.
When we adoptees meet our biological people, we are doing just that. Meeting them. There is no mystical or automatic relationship, no instantaneous knowledge of each others' way of thinking or doing things by virtue of being genetically related.
I think sometimes we're all led down a garden path when it comes to genes and biological connections and get set up for disappointment and failure. Parents and their children have unrealistic expectations of what things should be like, and I don't just mean those of us who are in adoption situations.
Healthy, trusting familial relationships take dedication, time, and commitment, by both parties.
Of course in the beginning it's up to the parent, the adult, to do all the work but that's where the stage is set. It's not set prenatally by a mysterious primal connection, it's developed gradually through consistency and trust, familiarity and shared experiences.
Conceiving and giving birth has no real power without all the rest and I really think choosing to believe or rely on it having so much stand alone importance is sometimes where we all fall down.
Saturday
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I can relate to this post. I always worry am I saying too much or too little when it comes to my daughter. I have a question to throw at you. I have mostly made up my mind but thought I would see what your thoughts would be.
ReplyDeleteMy kids and I had dinner with my son a couple days ago and I sent my Dad a picture with me, my sons and my daughter. He said, when can I meet her. So, I said, I would ask her what she thought about it. Before, I even got an answer from her he called to say that if I wanted to invite her to his bbq, I could.
My daughter wrote me and said yes to meeting my Dad and said we could do that the next time we go out. Do I ask my daughter to the bbq?
My heart is telling me it's to soon. Would you be upset if you were invited and not given the choice to go or not? I am thinking of throwing it out there but telling her how I can see how it might be uncomfortable for her.
Any thoughts?
Hey birthmothertalks : )
ReplyDeleteMaybe tell your daughter that your dad extended the invitation but neither of you want her to feel obligated to meet that way. Just say you wouldn't feel right not letting her know about the bbq and that she's been invited but you want her to do what feels right for her.
I'm just thinking if it happens she does want to do it, it will be a very nervous and exciting day for you all!
Well, first of all, I'm relieved to hear that your mother is ok. I worried yesterday when I read your post and thought about what I might say that would be just the right thing to say. Word choice is tricky at times.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that the conversation with your mother was pleasant sets the stage for the next conversation which will hopefully be pleasant too.
Gail
"Word choice is tricky at times." You got that right sister!
ReplyDeleteThanks Gail. I was concerned when writing the previous post as I didn't want people to feel badly or worry for me (or my mothers) but I think it's important for people to know how different reunion situations can play out, what the weirdness and downfalls can be so that if they choose to search and meet, they can be a little better prepared for whatever they may find.
Hi there, great post which I's like to link if I may? As adult adoptees it's up to us to do the work too if we want a good outcome. Von
ReplyDeleteHave at it if you like Von.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting.
"There is no mystical or automatic relationship, no instantaneous knowledge of each others' way of thinking or doing things by virtue of being genetically related."
ReplyDeleteIronically, I thought about this topic yesterday when with my first mom as part of a long visit she just made here to my home. We have been reunited for a year now. I noticed that the more and more she and I are together, the more and more alike I realize that we are. I have begun to be less nervous when speaking to her, not only because we are building a relationship, but *also* because I know that we are alike.
Which is new for me because I never really thought I was like anyone else before.
It is my personality to give people a chance and if someone offends me, I usually ask them to explain. I don't walk away from people over a misunderstanding.
And because she is like me, I have faith and am growing in trust that she will treat me the same way I would treat her and others if there was a misunderstanding.
I won't speak for any other adoptees when I say this, only for myself. But the fact that we are so alike, whether by chance or biological (I side with biological, personally) does add an extra element to our relationship that gives me security. Which does not mean I devalue or am less secure in relationships where biology isn't shared. Each of my relationships with other is unique with their own unique elements that make them special.
And for me (and I am not saying that it is for you), the fear of rejection, or the idea that if I was rejected by someone that it would be no question that it was I who caused my own rejection, it is a part of being an adoptee that I really have to make an effort at working on.
Thanks for your advice. I like it and most likely go with it.
ReplyDeleteThanks Amanda.
ReplyDeleteI am sincerely happy that you now have someone that you think you're like and are getting, as well as enjoying, the opportunity to build a relationship. I do not envy having gone through life never having felt that I was like anyone else.
I wonder at how certain you are that being adopted is the root cause of your struggle with rejection and the feeling that any rejection you experience is your fault. I'm not saying it isn't because I agree that it would be the most obvious reason and who would know better than you, right?
Having not had that be my experience, of course I am skeptical of it being universal and worry that some adopted people will automatically assume the role and ignore other possible causes for their insecurities or difficulties in life.
For the record, and I've said this before on my blog somewhere, I remember being very struck at how alike my sister and her biological mother were when I met her. It would be interesting to know how that aspect of some reunions holds up over time, if biological sameness retains it's initial power and relevancy or if it just becomes a norm people inevitably take for granted. To know if eventually it the relationship becomes like every other relationship, biological or not.
Perhaps my OLDER, wiser, sister would grace us with a guest post on this...hint hint.
"I remember being very struck at how alike my sister and her biological mother were when I met her."
ReplyDeleteBut she was raised by her. Wouldn't there be a far greater chance to end up being similar to someone you were raised by than being raised by someone else?
I think it would be more interesting to evaluate the similarities between a daughter whose mother did *not* raise her as opposed to a daughter who was raised by that mother.
Isn't that the whole point of seeing the value (or non-value) of genetic relationships and whether or not they hold up in the context of adoption?
"There is no mystical or automatic relationship, no instantaneous knowledge of each others' way of thinking or doing things by virtue of being genetically related."
ReplyDeleteDoes this apply to twins who were raised by the same set of parents?
"But she was raised by her." Erm..no Mei Ling, my sister wasn't raised by her biological mother. When I said, "I remember being very struck at how alike my sister and her biological mother were when I met her." I meant my sister's biological mother when I said "her".
ReplyDeleteAnyway, if my sister agrees to write us a guest blog post, the following is exactly what would be being evaluated. "I think it would be more interesting to evaluate the similarities between a daughter whose mother did *not* raise her as opposed to a daughter who was raised by that mother." I'm also curious to know how long and strong the feeling of likeness remained through years of reunion.
OH. Okay. Understood.
ReplyDeleteI don't know very much about twins Mei Ling. I don't think the relationship between twins is the same as between mother/father and child though. I say this because it's my understanding parents of twins sometimes feel a little left out or cheated out of having the strongest connection with their children. I think relationships between some twins are far stronger than any parent child relationship.
ReplyDeleteI really don't know though. Sorry.
I thought I would chime in on the "twin thing" since I am a twin. My relationship with her is unlike any other relationship I have, including my parents, other sister and husband.
ReplyDeleteI think our "connection" to each other comes from near constant communication, not from any mystical or instaneous knowledge of each other.
Just like other relationships we work at to make it successful.
One of the many problems that twins encounter, especially twins of the same gender, is that they are "one" person not 2 individuals with their own thoughts and feelings.
During our late teens early 20s we did not communicate much with each other, we were both working hard to find our own identities separate from each other. There are many things about us that are similar (other than looks) but there are many, many more that are different.
My belief is that biology does not automoatically create relationships, it creates a link between people that with commitment will form lasting relationships.
Cherylp1130
Thanks Cheryl! Really interesting.
ReplyDeleteCheryl said "My belief is that biology does not automoatically create relationships, it creates a link between people that with commitment will form lasting relationships".
ReplyDeleteI think there's a lot of truth in that statement :-)
Also agreeing with Cheryl. Biological relatedness is a reason to want a relationship, but the actual relationship takes as much work as any other, and both people willing to compromise and put something into it. Sometimes that willingness is there, sometimes it is not, but there is nothing instant or magic.
ReplyDelete"I wonder at how certain you are that being adopted is the root cause of your struggle with rejection and the feeling that any rejection you experience is your fault. I'm not saying it isn't because I agree that it would be the most obvious reason and who would know better than you, right?"
ReplyDeleteThere are a few reasons why I feel like it is adoption-related (for me).
Because I remember feeling terrified of being left or rejected as an extremely young child (as in age three) with no other reason I can think of that I should feel that way.
As a child, because I was adopted, I knew there were some reasons people really did leave the person they loved (per the usual "you're adopted and this is what that means" explanation). And I always worried what other good reasons there were to be left. So whether by the PW or by the nature of how I worked out the paradoxes that surrounded adoption that followed as I grew, adoption was a part of my fear of rejection, for me.
and
Because adoption research and literature has shown steadily over the course that adoption has been researched and written about that feeling this way is a common adoptee experience, no matter the age at adoption, type of adoption, or circumstances surrounding adoption.
I have had numerous experiences that positively reinforced my fear of being rejected throughout my life such as really (really) crappy boyfriends, being fired from my first real job at age 14 because the company I worked for made a mistake in their hiring process (that was super traumatic for me, I felt absolutely worthless), and being bullied in middle school.
Those things definitely made a fear I already had worse, magnified it, and made it much harder to work on. But I do believe adoption is a part of it all for me.
Oh and yes, it is exciting to finally realize I am like someone! :-)
ReplyDeleteI have things in common with both my moms. But I never thought I was like either of them because we are all so different in various aspects of life such as politics, religion, some personal values (so on and so forth). But after spending more time with her, all of those things aside, I can't believe how alike our personalities are at the very core.
She has the same approach to relationships I do, a lot of the same worries and fears, she's had identical weight issues, and her jeans always tear in the same place as mine do when they get worn out (to name a few I thought were interesting).
Ok Amanda, the jean thing is totally cool. Seriously!
ReplyDelete