Since you asked

So I've recently been asked, I'm told sincerely, how I am impacted by being adopted and I've since been mulling over a response. I found the context in which I was asked this question a little strange as well as off topic, to my train of thought anyway, so I felt uncomfortable answering in the space where the question originated. It was asked in an environment where the attitudes toward adopted persons who do not feel negatively affected are hostile, judgemental, dismissive, and insulting plus such a question would be difficult to answer in the limited space of a comment for someone as long-winded as I can be.

So here I am answering in my own little space of the internet. Within my answer it is not my intent to insult anyone or claim that my perspective is right or better, it's simply that, my perspective, my experience, my life. I wouldn't say being adopted has had a huge impact on me, not in comparison to other significant events in my life. The mother/daughter relationship I've experienced and the ramifications of that, the birth of my son, the deaths of my younger brother and my father have all had a much more profound impact on me than anything to do with being adopted has. That said, there have been a few isolated incidents because of it as well as ongoing experiences I have had and am having that wouldn't have occurred or be occuring had I not been given up at birth.


There are a couple of things that stand out from my past. As a child coming to the realization that I didn't come from a nurse that had babies for those who couldn't was huge. The discussion about this with my mom (it started out with me crying and accusing my mom of having lied to me) was provoked by classmates that I'd told I was adopted who had pointed out, not very kindly, that meant my sister wasn't my real sister. This realization was where I first started to think about my biological mother, worry that she was well, and develop the desire to let her know that I was ok. I never once felt she'd abandoned me or that there was something wrong with me that she didn't want me. I just assumed that some "jerk" had gotten her pregnant and her evil parents had forced her to give me away. None of this ended up being accurate but it's what I always thought.

Another was as a teen telling a boyfriend if I were to ever find myself pregnant I'd have an abortion. I clearly remember him asking how I could do something like that having been adopted. That my biological mom could have aborted me but didn't. Although I know this train of thought makes anti adoption peeps crazy it is very common thought and had an impact on me. Now that I'm a grown woman I realize the abortion option in 1963 wasn't all that available so as a result wasn't likely to have happened but I am still glad to be alive and not aborted. I love my life.

Another way being adopted had an impact on me was sexually. I was determined from a very young age to never get pregnant when I didn't want to so abstained (from intercourse) until my early twenties. Hard to believe sports fans, but it's true. I've had friends from school to this day say they'd never have thought that but rather assumed the opposite. I had lots of boyfriends, they just weren't gettin' any...of "that" anyway.

I have never experienced feeling like I didn't belong when it came to my family, immediate or extended. I always felt that my mom and dad, sister and brother were just that. My family. I've never felt that my lack of interest in searching made me the good child or that it was for my parents, to save them the anguish or hurt feelings. I was all for my sister searching when she did and chastised my mom when she got her nose out of joint here and there (just recently watched home video of my family meeting my sister's bio mom and her partner, haha man what a gong show). In my recent connection with my bio mom I took flack from my mom about not wanting to share my bio mom's name. This was not the only thing that my mom did that annoyed me or hurt my feelings in navigating my way through this but none of that is actually adoption related, it's because of the type of person my mom is.

Being blood related really doesn't mean very much to me. It's actual relationships, connections through family that are important to me. I am as much my grandma's granddaughter as any of my cousins. My parent's ancestral history is as much mine as it is my brother's, who is biological to my parents. Although I am not related genetically, I am related by being a part of the family, my father's daughter, my mother's daughter, just as my son is a part of the family history even though he isn't related by blood. Actually as far as my son goes, my family is and always has been far more influential, important, prominent in my son's life than his blood relatives on his dad's side just by being more present, more involved, more like family. I am related by blood to others but neither my son nor I know them and they aren't as important to me as the people I know and love. This is not to say they couldn't be but to date, they are not, I don't even know them. I'm getting to know my bio mom but to say that she is someone that feels like family to me would be a huge stretch, one that I am not willing to conjure up for the sake of fitting in with those who claim a mystical mother/child connection without real interaction and history. She is the person who gave birth to me which in itself is meaningful, but I don't know her, just as she doesn't really know me. Don't get me wrong, it would have been very cool to have discovered this amazing, perfect, mother figure that many dream of but no, she's just a very nice, active, seemingly intelligent woman who seems family oriented, that I'm getting to know. She's just a person, like me, living her life as fully as she can, trying to be a good human being while still having fun.

Another impact being adopted has had on me is the freedom I have to be myself. The less desirable qualities of my family are not mine to be inherited whereas the good qualities are there for me to emulate and admire if choose to do so. That may seem frivolous to some but to me it's been a big deal.

I've been sitting on this post for a bit and I'm not completely sure I've covered all the ways adoption has impacted me but perhaps that can be accomplished in the comments. I do want to get this out there as it's been a while now since I was asked, sincerely, just how I am impacted by being adopted.