I didn't intend for this blog to be an "adoption blog". Funny how things go. In my stats it's one of the most common search terms.... campbellscoup adoption blog. Huh. Again, funny how things go.
On this 2nd day of November I've been perusing different real adoption blogs and checking out all the Adoption Month hoopla. I guess it's an American thang. I checked back in my blog to see when I'd first started to talk about adoption and the first post was in December of '09 which would explain how I'd missed this exciting month for all things adoption related.
I just reread my first post on adoption, and I still like it. I see how I used all the "wrong" words, things like chosen, special, selfless, healthy attitude, noble, gift of a child ( I still think of all children as a gift, no matter how they appear) and readily admit I was unaware of the unethical side of adoption, the money involved these days, that some mothers are coerced out of their babies and that not all adoptees feel like I do. I've learned quite a bit in just under a year.
From that post I met Lori, someone I consider an online friend. She let me have it in my very first adoption related comment lol. I've learned things from her and am hopeful she's learned something from me.
After a time I'd revisited that first post, and left myself a comment.
Having just reread my own words I feel much better. They are so positive and real, so untainted by suggestions that I am denying my pain, that my situation is sick or sad, that my adoptive parents did something wrong, that my birthmother was coerced and what she did cannot be regarded as selfless or necessary. That my feelings of love for my family and theirs for me aren't as good or real or natural as those of families that are blood related. Not for one second did I ever believe anything different, but it sure feels good to come back home.
I said to a friend today, "maybe I'm the only freak who's fine with having been adopted" after having read the words of an adopted person declaring they've yet to meet an adoptee who didn't have mixed feelings about being adopted.
Well, nice to meet ya. My name is Campbell and I'm an adoptee...with no mixed feelings.
Tuesday
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It's weird how some blogs show up as adoption blogs. I can't find mine that easy. Well, I don't remember if you read my private blog or not but I met my daughter. It was so wonderful. As far as I can tell she doesn't have any issues over adoption. So, that is really good.
ReplyDeleteI sure do read your blog birthmothertalks, and it's really not that weird that mine show up as an adoption blog since I'm yammering on about it all the time lol.
ReplyDeleteIt IS really good your daughter doesn't have any issues over adoption. I'm sorry though that it's hard sometimes for you, truly.
I know you read the open one but are you reading the private one? You need an invite and I just can't keep track of who does read it. My daughter has always stated that she just wasn't that curious but has slowly allowed me in. As much as losing her to adoption I think it's great that she isn't experiencing any problems or feeling of a loss over the fact. I am just happy that she is being open to knowing me though. One thing though, it's hard to read my daughter because she just doesn't express much of what's on her mind. So, sometimes, I wonder is something on her mind and she just doesn't say. Not to say that I mean as in sadness just the overall process of getting to know me.
ReplyDeleteAh no, no I'm not reading the private one. I always figure if someone has a private or protected bog or post, they'd invite me if they wanted me to read it. Then again, I imagine it's weird to just invite people ...one may think, hmmm...should I just assume this person would want to be invited?
ReplyDeleteI see it as a big responsibility on an adoptee being in contact with first/birth/bio parents. It was funny when I met my bio mom. I am the first one to moan and complain about my mom but when it came to my bio mom, I just couldn't bring myself to say anything specifically negative about my mom. I actually said those words when we met. "I don't want to say anything negative about my mom".
I believe it's kind of like, I can say anything about my mom/dad/sister/brother/ but watch out if you try to! You know? It's just natural to be protective. Plus, I don't want my bio mom to feel badly.
I don't look at it as a burden, just as the way it is.
I throw it out there once in a while that I have the private blog but I never assume people would be interested to read it. You can if you want though. I would just need an email. I like the private place to blog about my experience with contact but can be in more control over who can read it.
ReplyDeleteI think it's very important that birth/natural/ bio parents don't talk bad about the child's adoptive family. It would just be plain wrong. While, I don't always agree with how they handled the adoption and me but I am very grateful for how well she seems to be have brought up. Also, I totally get the I can talk bad about my family but you better not. I will never forget my sister thinking it was okay to beat me up. (not super bad lol) but if anyone else tried they were going to get it so bad. That's just family. How is the relationship going with your bio mom?
It's going about perfect for me. I'd left it up to her to continue with contact after we met, and she has. I've gotten every couple of days email updates from her since that day and I reply each time.
ReplyDeleteOne mail in particular was just lovely and made me feel great. She's mentioned maybe meeting up again if circumstance allows and I let her know I'm up for that.
Just slowly getting familiar with each other, you know? It's cool.
That is great. My daughter mentioned meeting again and I wrote her and told how much of a great time that I had and haven't heard back yet. I am working really hard at letting things go slowly. So far it's working.
ReplyDeleteHey, Campbell, I for one am glad that you are also telling your story. Your story is just as real to you as anyone else’s is to them. There are many different options and experiences out there; rarely in life do you find any issue with out exceptions.
ReplyDeleteI have always thought I could never have sympathy for “birth mothers” and through these blogs and remembering 12, 13, and 14 year old girls who had lost their children to adoption, that I met in foster care who were truly not given a choice I have some…I am not saying that I get it in all cases but in some.
There are always exceptions and exceptional people.
Hi Campbell! I'm an adoptee too (you might know that from my blog), and our stories are similar in some ways. I do have some mixed feelings about adoption, but I'm mostly fine with it. For a long time, I was completely fine with it, like you. I wondered about my first mother's well-being too. I never knew anybody else personally who was adopted until I was in my 30s, so it's still neat to me to hear other adoptees' stories and how they are similar and different. Thanks for sharing your blog!
ReplyDeleteHey kimberly, thanks for stopping by.
ReplyDeleteI knew quite a few adopted people while growing up, 8 close relatives one of whom is my sister. Add to that at least 7 more who are people I know or children of parents I know. I imagine this is another thing that influences the experience of being an adoptee.
I definitely can see how a person could have a whole range of feelings about being adopted, from good, mixed, indifference, to more unpleasant feelings, abandonment, grief, isolation, resentment, loss.
I believe there are many factors involved with each circumstance being unique to each person, something I think adoptive parents really need to understand. One size does not fit all, that's for sure.
Hi Campbell! I love this post. I think those that have negative feelings about being adopted are just more outspoken about their feelings. You're more likely to talk and bring attention to things you're upset about than things you are happy about. I think it's only natural to have some mixed feelings, whether that be that you feel abandoned by your bio family or that you don't totally fit in with your adopted family. I think it's only natural to have mixed feelings until you learn to accept the adoption. I think everyone would prefer to have a healthy, stable, loving bio family over an equally good adopted family. People just desire that blood bond.
ReplyDeleteOne way people can avoid the unethical part of adoptions is to always adopt from foster care! Babies are cute and come with a "clean slate" but older kids will love and appreciate you more once they believe you aren't going anywhere.
Adoption from foster care is never a bad thing. EVER. Sadly too many greedy people are in control of private infant adoption. People should not be able to make money by creating and ending families. THAT is wrong.
I'm so happy that you're so happy about your family!
Campbell....you grew a "B"! Hey, does that make me "A"? ; )
ReplyDelete"People should not be able to make money by creating and ending families. THAT is wrong."
Couldn't agree with you more Campbell B.
I have a question that I think is ok for me to ask you, especially you. I feel confident you'll appreciate the context in which I'm asking.
You say, "One way people can avoid the unethical part of adoptions is to always adopt from foster care! Babies are cute and come with a "clean slate" but older kids will love and appreciate you more once they believe you aren't going anywhere."
This is exactly true. The "clean slate" is debatable for some but that's not what I'm talking about when I ask this.
Given your experience, and we can establish your answer is based on that, do you think you would have preferred to have been adopted at birth or at the first concrete signs of trouble? Do you as a former foster kid (who I think was never adopted?) see any value in recognizing bio family problems as early as possible in an attempt to preserve children's childhood, and perhaps lives in some cases?
I've seen so many (local) stories of family services entities trying to keep dysfunctional families in tact to the detriment of innocent children. I know of children who've lost their lives because of being placed back into abusive homes after having been removed, all in the name of family preservation.
Shouldn't it all be about child preservation first and family preservation later when/if everyone has their shit together?
Argh.
My last name starts with B, so I thought I'd add it to lessen any confusion. LOL
ReplyDeleteYour question is a difficult one for me...sort of. I was first removed from my mother when I was six months old. Oh how I wish I had been adopted right away. I was very abused and neglected even at that age. There is a level of abuse and neglect that I don't think deserves any second chances at all! None. You severely abuse your child, you lose them. No exceptions. I wish the government didn't give my mother chance after chance after chance for eight years. My chances of ever having a family or any kind of normal life were almost zero by eight. I was too old and fair too abused to be lovable and desirable. I was no longer cute and easy because I came with baggage.
I sometimes like to daydream about what kind of life I would have if I had been adopted at birth. I wonder how much of who I am is nature and how much of me is a result of my life with my mother and 42 foster homes. Would I be a better person today if I had had adoptive parents who loved me and gave me what I so desperately needed as a child? I have no clue.
It's so funny how many people say that CPS steals their children away and never give them a chance to fix the situation. I have NEVER experienced this. I have never met a foster child who didn't need to be taken from their parents. I never met a foster child who had a healthy bio family. Never. My own mother was given at least 10 chances with me even when she was in and out of prison for drugs and ended up serving four years in prison for felony child abuse. She was sentenced to much longer but got out so soon for good behavior. How people can really be anti-foster care really confuses me. I'm not anti foster care. I'm pro changing foster care to make it easier and safer for children.
I do think that biology is important but not at the sake of the lives of children. If a child is born into a horrible situation with people like my mother I think that the mother should not have any chances to better the situation. If a child is born to a less severe situation, than I feel the parents should get ONE chance to get her act together and provide a good home for their children. Two chances is too many when you are dealing with the livelihoods of children and future adults.
Ultimately I just wanted to be loved and cared about. I didn't care if they shared my blood. I didn't care if they looked like me. I didn't care if they had the same skin color as me. I just wanted a safe home, some roots to grow, and someone to be happy I was theirs. That is something I never got in life and I am still paying the consequences for my mother's actions today while my bio mother lives a fairly normal life. There are no words to even begin to describe how much I wanted to be adopted. I wanted it with every particle of my soul.
I think I'm just rambling now and I have no idea if I even answered your question. LOL
Campbell B, you certainly have answered my question, and then some.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm so sorry it was that way for you. Life just shouldn't be that way.
I would like to highlight your comment sometime in a post Campbell B. I think it's important for those that sometimes forget, or choose to ignore, there are tons of kids out there experiencing a chaos most of us can never even begin to imagine. Of course they all wish their parents were different, that they'd step up and be the adult, provide a safe place to be, act like they love their kids, but at the same time wondering, what about ME? Just give me a chance with people who give a shit!! Of course there are kids (that grow up) that don't even realize there is a different way, and how are they expected to just be different than those that went before them, be a different parent to their own kids. To just somehow know how to do it right.
ReplyDeleteI've been listening to a series of interviews with young men who grew up involved in gangs, crime, drugs, domestic abuse, and how they are trying to do right by their own kids and/or give back to their community, educate the public on WHY they were carrying guns at age 12, on what needs to be done to stop this madness, what helped them get turned around.
Majority of kids get with gangs to find a sense of family in spite of the fact they already have a family.
Every kid deserves a place where they can feel safe and protected, where they can just be themselves and be loved and accepted for just being.
You're not a freak. Your feelings about yourself and your life are yours to have; that's your experience! :-)
ReplyDeleteI can't change the fact that I am adopted. Although my problems with adoption mostly lie in the fact that things were preventable and caused a lot of pain.
My Original Family was lied to. My parents were lied to. I was lied to. I lived in an uber-religious community that said oppressive things about adoption that made me feel horribly about myself. I can't stand the assumptions and stereotypes about my minority group. Then there's the legal inequality thing in the U.S.
Those aspects of my adoption, I just can not be fine with. To me, it's not a black and white issue.
You're right, it is a U.S. thing. NAAM was established in 1995 by President Clinton to raise awareness about the needs of children in the foster care system. It's since turned into...eeeek....what it is today lol.