A comment too long, and likely off topic

 I was reading a blog I always read and started to comment and it got out of control. The comment grew long, it may have strayed from what my point was, and likely didn't end up relating properly to the post at all.
But, I like the comment, so am posting here. Take it or leave it.

I think I actually understand what you're saying here. It's this weird thing between wanting to be strong, sparing others what's really going on, protecting yourself from being viewed as damaged and whatever goes along with that, shame, embarrassment, but also wanting people to know it's not easy to not be a total fuck up in life, how much effort it takes or has taken. That what's going on on the outside is not what's going on on the inside.

I kind of compare it to doing the right thing or being honest when nobody knows about it. You want to do the right thing because it's the right thing, because it's good for our souls/spirits whatever to just be good and decent, take the high road for the sake of another BUT...we're human. There's a small part of us that wants someone to notice or care that what we're doing isn't easy, that we're going against what we feel like doing, what we would really prefer to do, what would be easier.

I think the key is to truly figure out how to just do it for one's self. How to get pleasure from not being a total fuck up in spite of all the reasons why we should be. That the pride comes from how we feel about our self instead of how we think we're impressing others  in an "I'll show them" fu kind of way because what if they don't notice? Then it's all for nothing. If it's just for our self, we'll always notice, be impressed, be proud.


This is all easier said than done, but, it's doable. For me it's easiest when it comes to my son. I can do anything for him with no recognition. I sometimes wonder if people actually know or care how difficult it can be taking the high road in the breakdown of a marriage, but ultimately it doesn't matter. I know what I've done, for my boy, for me, and it helps me sleep easy at night, helps me look him in the face and see complete trust, total confidence in my dedication to him, that I am a safe place to land, no matter what.