Someone very present in my life told me yesterday she and her husband are looking into adopting a second child. Their first child is 1 and 1/2 and they are the biological parents. We talked briefly about it when she told me and I imagine there will be more discussion. I am about 10 years older and she's asked for my thoughts on "things" from time to time so I'd be very surprised if we didn't have further discussion.
In our short initial conversation I touched on coercion, agency fact misrepresentation, the varying degrees of openness in adoption, and the cultural and racial issues of international adoption. I talked about considering how adoption could impact the child they already have. As she's already aware that I'm adopted and knows a fair bit about the dynamics of my family and knows I'm fine with it all, I made sure to let her know that there are other adopted people who are not at all fine with being adopted. I talked about adoption disruptions, asked if they were prepared to parent a child with FASD or other abuse related issues.
I have so many thoughts about this. I know so much now about adoption and it's problems. I also know there are children that need homes and having just babysat for this couple last night, I know they have a loving home to offer. Their little one is happy and smart, confident and calm. He is loved, secure and safe. Doesn't every child have a right to a shot at this? To be given the opportunity to at least try and fit in to a family? Isn't the alternative worse?
The alternative being....not trying? I don't want to dissuade them, but I have an obligation to share what I know, to do what I can to help them make educated decisions. To help them be honest with themselves. To get them to think about the other people who are affected in circumstances of adoption.
Hmmm...what are the most important things for them to know? To ask? To consider?
I will take any constructive thoughts and comments you may have to share to her, to them.
I could also just butt out.
Thursday
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Campbell, one of the thoughts to consider is that the children that they already have may or may not accept that kind of change. Which you have already mentioned. Also, the idea of adopting a child that actually needs a home ...which I have been blogging about.
ReplyDeleteIf they are simply interested in parenting and giving love to a child. There are thousands of children of all ages trapped in foster care...no one's children...throw aways. And, in spite of all the hype about it, most have mild problems with behavior, etc., that are "fixed" with love and patience.
I guess the biggest thing is this is it about having a baby or is it about helping a child?
Just my thoughts at this time.
I would direct them to read and think about the blogs of adoptees, not just the happy ones, and the mothers. Because they need to know that being happy with your family does not make you totally happy or comfortable. And, in the case where they want to have a baby, they really need to know the other side of that coin - the good and the bad.
ReplyDeleteJMHO
I had a similar conundrum recently. An acquaintance asked me for advice on adoption agencies. She has a bio child who is 2 and is having a hard time conceiving again. After thinking about it a couple days, I ended up just referring her to my adoption agency without saying anything else, since she is only an acquaintance and since she hasn't really decided to adopt yet. I figured if she does end up adopting and asks me more questions, I'll point her to adoptee blogs.
ReplyDeleteWhy are they thinking of adoption if they actually can give birth to one? Or maybe they can't? I hope that doesn't sound bad. I just know not too many people choose adoption because they feel it's a calling compared to not being able to have a child. One thing that concerns me about people having children naturally and adoption is how the children feel. I wonder if one or the other feels less important. My daughter's family had a child by birth and I wonder how it is for her.
ReplyDeleteFirst I have a question ~ are they not able to have another biological child? Their first is only 18 months old.
ReplyDeleteI think the most important things they need to know is the effect of adoption on the baby. The loss they live with, even with the best of adoptive parents.
Tell them the truth about the adoption industry & the steps they take to ensure the supply necessary to keep their profits up.
Tell them that even in the circumstances where a mother is 100% sure adoption is the right choice for her, she will live with great loss & grief for the rest of her life. They will enjoy the thrill of parenting at her great loss.
The sad thing is, most of the time no matter what prospective adoptive parents hear, they will not hear the negative. They need to believe the adoption-is-great-rainbows-&-sunshine in order to fulfill their "needs" for another child to raise.
Campbell,
ReplyDeleteEthics is the most important consideration in adoption...which leads to the harder questions of supply vs demand and how ethics are compromised to ensure supply...I personally would have my world turned upside down if I had found out that my adoption had unethical components - it would impact how I view and feel about my parents.
Send them to PEAR or Ethica as a starting point to learn about what they have to know before they do anything.
I don't know what I would say/do. I have learned a lot by reading adoptee blogs but only after we already adopted. If someone asked me I would probably tell them to read some of the adoptee blogs so they know the whole picture of what they are getting into, not just what the agency tells them. I was pretty clueless at the time of our adoption and I wish I had been more informed.
ReplyDeleteYes, they do need to consider how it will affect their son. This was of great importance to us which is why we decided against foster care AS IT WAS EXPLAINED TO US.
In short, I wish I had had a fuller understanding of adoption as a WHOLE and not just from the perspective of the APs and agencies. I feel we would have been making a more informed decision.
Thanks all for the comments. Very helpful and I hope to get more. My friend and I have since talked briefly about her meeting with the adoption agency, with the discussion being me asking questions about what they said and her answering my questions.
ReplyDeleteLori, I think this will absolutely be my focus "the idea of adopting a child that actually needs a home".
birthmothertalks, "One thing that concerns me about people having children naturally and adoption is how the children feel. I wonder if one or the other feels less important." In my case, we all felt the same when it came to importance in my family. There were times each one of felt less important, the same importance, or more important, just like many other "regular" families.
Susie, "The sad thing is, most of the time no matter what prospective adoptive parents hear, they will not hear the negative". I have to agree with this. It's human nature to do this, in so many situations. Ever try telling an engaged to be married person they may be making a mistake?
Sandy, yes. Ethics are very important in adoption. I wholeheartedly agree with "I personally would have my world turned upside down if I had found out that my adoption had unethical components - it would impact how I view and feel about my parents."
Kris, I intend to show my friend exactly what you wrote when you said "I wish I had had a fuller understanding of adoption as a WHOLE and not just from the perspective of the APs and agencies. I feel we would have been making a more informed decision."
I tell people that I support the adoption of older children from Foster Care. There are countless couples out there already asking for the youngest possible children in all realms of adoption. I can't imagine it does much good for the demand to increase.
ReplyDeleteThe response I've gotten is "but what if a couple doesn't want an older kid [insert the stereotype of fosterkid 'baggage' here]??"
Then we get into, what you already addressed in your most recent post, "why are they adopting?"
Adopting to get a chance to parent, adopting to provide a sibling to a child you already have, so on and so forth--none of those reasons include putting the needs of the potential adopted child first. Children always need to come first in adoption.
Amanda, there's always something that troubles me when talking or thinking about foster care. It's the WHY these kids are in foster care. Can we not agree that some of them are there because their parents were pressured to have them and/or keep them when they shouldn't have?
ReplyDeleteIs it too dangerous to the family preservation message (which I support) to acknowledge they are sometimes wards of the government because their parent(s) were never fit to parent? That some of these foster kids would have been better of having been adopted as an infant.
So frustrating how we take having and raising children so lightly. Sad.