I was out with my son last night eating french food, drinking sangria, and listening to a jazz trio on an outdoor patio on a beautiful summer evening. I can't believe summer is almost gone...sigh.
My son's friend that had joined us was telling me how he thinks he might parent any future children he may have. His plan for discipline was to make it something physical, like holding a book with a straight arm for ten minutes. After choking a little on my Coquille St.Jacques I declared that sounds completely military, which in hindsight shouldn't be all that surprising as this particular young man has experienced some military training. We had a great discussion about it all but it stuck with me as I'd already been thinking about the types of questions that parents who've decided on adoption would ask potential adoptive parents, and just what exactly I'd ask someone to determine their philosophy on parenting. I guess you could even go further and apply this to people naming guardians for their children in the event of death.
It's clear that discipline is an important issue to me, I've written about my thoughts on corporal punishment a few times here. Childcare is also important to me. Just who exactly would actually be with my child. Would it be the parents or would they have to rely on some kind of constant daycare? Sometimes if you add up the hours of time spent with working parents, it's far less than with whomever is providing them with babysitting/daycare. And the quality of the time spent with the working parents? Not very high. People are busy and tired at the end of the day, not the best setting for talks and goofing off together.
Are sips of mom or dad's alcoholic beverage ok? What are the food philosophies of the prospective parents? You must eat everything on your plate? Are sleepovers allowed? Homeschooling, public or private? Should babies be left to cry, can they be spoiled by too much attention? Are beauty pageants on the agenda? What happens if the parents are married and split up or one parents dies? What are the prospective parent's feelings on introducing boyfriends or girlfriends into the child's life? What's the attitude toward extra curricular activities? Can a boy take ballet? Can a girl play hockey or rugby? Will you go to the games and would you volunteer to coach? Would I cringe and move away from you at your son or daughter's baseball game? How old should kids be before they walk to school alone? Is Halloween allowed? Would you buy or make costumes? Can your son have long hair if he wants? What age will you talk to your kids about sex? Would you help to provide birth control to your teen? How would you react if your child is gay? If your toddler bit someone, would you bite them back to show them how it feels? How do you think you'd teach your child not to lie? Is post secondary education a must in your mind?
I could sit here all day and think up things that matter to me in parenting. How does one best assess potential parents for, or guardians to, their children?
What would you ask?
Friday
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I really like this post. As an adoptive mom, it was fun for me to try to answer all the questions. The interesting thing is, my daughter is only 17 months old and soooooo many of my answers are different than they would have been had her birth parents asked about them. There are still a lot that I don't know the answer to (mostly the teenage things). It would have been hard for me to answer a ton of these before R. I don't think I really had food philosophies, and now it is one topic I feel extraordinarily strongly about.
ReplyDeleteI agree, it was kind of fun answering the questions and yet I think some of my answers are different now than they would have been before having kids....I KNOW they are!!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure exactly which specific questions I would ask. I would want to spend time with them and get a feel for them as people. I personally would be wary of parents who are very religious, lean toward homeschooling (except in circumstances where it is truly in the child's best interest), seem very "particular", control-freaks,or who don't seem to be able to go with the flow. I would want to know if they had thought over the possibilities of the "unexpected" - if their child was gay, had special needs (as I know all too well special needs are often not apparent at birth or even in infancy), or if something happened to them - who would be the guardian??
I would want to know what type of background THEY had come from. I would want to know who would be spending the most time with the child (a parent or babysitter/nanny).
I think in the end I would have a gut feeling based on their personality. People can give any answer they want to questions and make themselves sound good but generally a jackass or uptight control freak is going to show their true colors when you spend time with them.
Interesting post!!
Strangely, I did ask nearly every question in this post. There are many more, like financial priorities, typical vacation experiences (hotel in N.Y.C. or sleeping in the woods), race relations, spirituality, and too many others to count. That's why an ongoing relationship is so important. A check list of questions will never tell you as much as a few days of conversation.
ReplyDeleteA lovely post, and very appropriate for "Son's Week."
Can't say I'd ever heard the biting back one. New one on me! Blech!
ReplyDeleteSeriously Jessica? Lol ....you know, so they know how it feels. Ahem..
ReplyDeleteAhh my son reminded me of a time when a little cousin of his bit him and his mom told my son to bite him back. My son was like HUH!?!?!
I think the practice may be kind of old school.
Summer ending. Sigh. Why does that always happen?
ReplyDeleteI keep telling myself about all of the free time I will have...but, it doesn’t hold a candle to the stress/fun/joy/craziness of having my kids by my side 24/7.
I never imagined what a strict parent I would be...or what a safety nut I would become!
I am against hitting children and yelling at kids. Talking works. Yelling happens but is not necessary. Give out what you expect back is my basic parenting philosophy.
Beauty pageants – Um. NO! I just can’t go there. Unless they are adults and then I can be there.
A boy can totally take ballet and a girl can totally play rugby. But I wouldn’t volunteer to coach. Haven’t a clue.
Halloween costumes have been made and bought.
Awww....don’t leave the crying baby!
Bite them back? Yikes. (Do people do that?)
No bungee jumping or leaning over cliffs or running on gravel....
I just need my kids to remain in one piece (or give it a good effort) and smile because they mean it.
Gay, straight, upside down, backwards, college, beauty school drop out...if they are smiling then I am smiling too.
Wow! You've got the parenting minefield down pat!
ReplyDeleteNow, what would I ask ...
I would ask if the prospective parent was willing to admit that they would never be an expert.
Honestly, the older my kids get, and they're grown now, the less I know.
@ Third Mom
ReplyDeleteI hear you on that one but...I've just this week witnessed my adult son have what I'll call a maturity growth spurt. The thing I can compare it to is that feeling of when they're toddlers and those ahhh yes! my consistency in "no son, that's a no, you're not allowed to touch grandma's antique vase (or whatever)" paid off because we got through a visit of just visiting instead of monitoring his every move so he didn't get into anything.
Difference is now they are getting it when it comes to values or compassion or empathy and understanding. Important things I worried may never evolve or I may never get to see evolve.
It's like he grew over night and I feel relief : )
Interesting Campbell... :o)
ReplyDeleteThis post totally brought me back to sitting across from M's adoptive parents going through the list of questions i wrote down to ask them...
I sure wish I still had that list!
I can tell you that I remember some of the questions and that M's A parents have done everything opposite to how they answered!
Jeesh.
Makes me wonder....
Did they just pacify me with telling me what I wanted/needed to hear so they could "get their baby"
Did they mean anything?
Did they find out that when they became active parents that it no longer mattered what I had hoped for my child?
Did they EVER think M and Myself would actually meet and I would "find out"?
Wow.
Since there is no way of me knowing the answers to any of these questions...I will go back to acceptance of things i cannot change......xox
Mama K.
Hey Kristina! Nice to "see" you again : )
ReplyDeleteI think about the people that will go through this and I guess it's impossible to know what really will be...is it impossible to get some kind of a feel for what people will parent like?
I just don't know.
HI,
ReplyDeleteI recently found your blog and am reading through some of your posts. I really like your writing and this is a great post! Our SW for our adoption actually asked us several of these questions.
Are sips of mom or dad's alcoholic beverage ok?
Sure—when they are 21
What are the food philosophies of the prospective parents?
They need to eat ‘enough’ protein and veggies to get dessert. You have to figure the size of their tummy with regard to the food. Unless we are at a party or something like that-- then we try to limit so they don't get sick. Failed once at this so far.
Are sleepovers allowed?
Not there yet—will prefer them at our home—need to really know the parents.
Homeschooling, public or private?
Public school with extra curriculars (chosen by child) outside of school. The only one I may force is Mandarin. Not sure yet—right now they think it is fun.
Should babies be left to cry, can they be spoiled by too much attention?
Completely old school.
Are beauty pageants on the agenda?
Yuck!
What happens if the parents are married and split up or one parent dies?
I can’t imagine getting a divorce—we are both stable and our children will be provided for—wills, trusts, and guardianship papers.
What are the prospective parent's feelings on introducing boyfriends or girlfriends into the child's life? Ours is a 2nd marriage and DH has children from his first marriage. We dated for over a year and I met his kids after we decided we were going to get married. They knew about me, but did not meet me until we knew where we were going with our relationship.
What's the attitude toward extracurricular activities? Can a boy take ballet? Can a girl play hockey or rugby?
Either is fine.
Will you go to the games and would you volunteer to coach?
Yes, and would coach if needed and was something they really wanted.
Would I cringe and move away from you at your son or daughter's baseball game?
I don’t think so.
How old should kids be before they walk to school alone?
Not sure I like this idea ever. LOL.
Is Halloween allowed? Would you buy or make costumes?
Free candy—are you kidding? It’s a mix match of making/buying costumes. I like face paints for ‘masks.’
Can your son have long hair if he wants?
Long pink hair —just no tattoos or weird body piercings until age 18.
What age will you talk to your kids about sex?
Uh, not sure. Pretty young though—we bring up things about private parts, using correct terms etc., and as questions come up or they seem to understand more—we say more.
Would you help to provide birth control to your teen?
Absolutely
How would you react if your child is gay?
Become an advocate.
If your toddler bit someone, would you bite them back to show them how it feels?
No, I wouldn’t do that. Although, I do believe in felt consequences (when the stakes are not too high). I have told my nearly 3-year old that she needs to push her 4-year old sister back sometimes instead of crying— stick up for yourself type of thing. We don’t hit in our family—we use time outs or time ins depending on the situation.
Hah thanks Reena, your answers pretty much match what mine would be.
ReplyDeleteI have done one felt consequence with pretty damn good results. It was about telling lies.