You haven't changed a bit

I'm writing this to keep my thoughts fresh, whether or when I actually post this remains to be seen, but I'll know when I know.

I liked my bio mom. She and her family seem to be my kind of people, which feels good to know, that I come from good people. I asked her if her parents were nice to which she replied an enthusiastic yes, they were great and her mom was especially good and kind, someone whom everyone adored. This makes me feel very good for some reason. Maybe because I'd imagined they were harsh, religious monsters who'd have been ashamed of her and resented me, or both. I was wrong.

They didn't know about me, but they could have been told. They would have helped my bio mom, in fact they did, just without knowledge of what was really going on.

My nerves pre meeting were extremely hard to control. As I sat and waited for her to appear in the lobby I called my son to just hear a normal voice, to assure myself I'd not entered the twilight zone. I pictured myself in my favorite ocean spot as I often do when I need to calm myself, took deep breaths, and focused.

Our experience of first sight was different for each of us. I had the luxury of having seen ahead what she looked like, having seen what her family looks like, their names and ages whereas she knew little of me and only knew what I'd looked like as an infant. I've changed a bit since then.

When I got up to walk over to greet her my sensitivity to her feelings kicked back in and my nerves dissolved. I knew though that wasn't the case for her so I said a warm hello and asked if she'd like to sit for a minute before we went to my car, that I'd been feeling nervous and wouldn't mind just sitting for a second to calm down. Her face appeared grateful as she said she was feeling very nervous as well.

We sat for a time kind of consoling each other, looking at each others faces for resemblances, me trying to see myself, her trying to see anyone and everyone.
I can see that I will look like her when I'm older, she can't see much familiar in me except for maybe her father's side of the family.

We had a great day and were together for 8 straight hours that really flew by. She likes to talk, which was good because I wanted to hear her talk. I talked too and this was when she was able to see herself in me, specifically how I look at family, the things I think are important to do and not do. This also made me feel good.

She was very open with me about what happened, something I imagine most adopted people wonder about. This made me feel good too.

I was supposed to call when I got home, we'd had a couple of beers over the day and she was concerned about me driving. When I arrived home I got caught up in telling my husband about the day and kind of forgot about calling. The words she and I had spoken as I was leaving seemed sort of final, unless she decided to be in touch at some point in the future, so I wasn't even so sure I was still supposed to call. As my husband and I talked, the phone rang and it was her, checking to see if I was home, reminding me I'd said I'd let her know.

Before I went to bed, I sent one last email to thank her for taking the time to, and for going through the trouble of, meeting me, to apologize for not having called, that I'd enjoyed our visit. To tell her to take care.

When I woke up this morning I thought to myself, well, it's happened. You've met your biological mother, you're still special, and you haven't changed a bit.


  1. Campbell, you said "You've met your biological mother, you're still special, and you haven't changed a bit." So I have to ask, did you really think you wouldn't be special? Or that you would suddenly change?

    I guess for me, I changed, but not because of anything but myself at that point, I gave myself permission to stop beating myself up.

    You never change unless you want to and you can't change if you are afraid to. Either way, meeting her, well, it will be different even later.

  2. It was always in my mind, I guess because I'd grown up being told I was special because I'm adopted, that if the mystery was gone, the specialness might be too.

    I wondered if I'd change or feel differently after reading about other adoptees' experiences and how meeting their bio moms changed them. If something happened to them, it stands to reason it could happen to me too.

  3. Sounds like you have a really good day...this "She and her family seem to be my kind of people" made me laugh...and I wanted to say you do realize you share dna right?

    Glad to know you survived and per my last reply - did you remember your camera?

    I remember the thoughts that went through my head when I met my aunt and how strange it was see glimpses of what I might look like as I age when before I had no idea...

    Glad it was a good day and hopefully you guys will keep in touch.

  4. Thanks Sandy!

    It's precisely the fact that we do share DNA that makes me happy they're good people lol

    I hope she keeps in touch too : )

  5. Sweet. So, I'm interested: Do you think you'll see her again? Do you think she will tell her folks now?

  6. I don't know Jess, I really don't. I'd like to see her again, but only if she wants to see me.

    When you say "tell her folks", you mean her family/kids I bet....I think of folks as parents and they died some time ago.

    Not sure about that either. I'm doubtful but we did talk about it. I said I think as a mom I'd want to tell my son and as a daughter I'd want to know but that it's up to her to decide what to do. It's funny, in my last post jealousy of kept kids was discussed, and ironically I get the feeling that this is what her concern would be.

  7. Yup, I meant any of her extended family--sorry, that did sound like parents but I meant the people connected to her now. Absolutely, I think it would be great if you could stay in touch but . . . where it leads the both of you, right?

  8. "where it leads the both of you, right?"

    You got it sister

  9. Campbell,

    OMG! I read this and I was so excited for you!!!! I am REALLY happy to hear you had a nice time. Though your sense of calm and ability to write this rationally astounds me :P !!!

    You're a cool customer, Campbell. That was my first reaction to this post : "Holy crap, that woman is CALM!" I feel like maybe I'm a bit fiestier than you are in this way. I was never a secret in my biofamily, but if I had been- that would have been the end of my reunion. You are a compassionate and understanding person. I've definitely learned something here.

    I'm glad you want to keep in touch and I hope thats what she wants too. I'm sure she saw how special you are!



  10. Amanda, you're such a darling lol thank you for such sweet words : )

    Believe me, as I waited in the lobby I thought I was going to stroke out... man I was struggling to keep calm.

    As far as feisty, I'm older than you, LOTS older than you. Good or bad, I don't know, but I think it can make a difference. That was a thing it turns out bio mom and I share, an Irish temper. I've learned to keep mine pretty much under control but I've had my moments. My sister (who reads here) could contest to those moments ; )

  11. Just thinking about you saying I seem calm Amanda and it occurs to me that I do feel calm, more calm and at peace than I have since I found who she was. And I like it.

  12. Aw. Campbell. What a lovely tribute to this big moment in your life which you told with tenderness and warmth. I feel like I can see it all playing out before my eyes. I love that your mom called to check that you arrived home safely. Moving. As Jess said...where it leads you.

  13. I've been "taking a break" from blogs, etc but I'm glad I checked in and that things went well with your mom. I am happy for you and I had to smile when I read she wanted you to check in when you got home - my mom makes me do the same. I can sense your peace in your writing. Thanks for sharing your experience.

  14. I am so glad that it went well! Wow. I am envious. I wish you both every happiness as you get to know one another.

  15. Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this experience! It must have been so amazing, so strange, so scary, so...surreal to finally see your biological mother face to face. To have it go so well seems like a daydream. You finally got to see where you came from and learn about where you may go (genetically speaking). I am just curious how you feel now that it's been a few days? You said you'd like to see her again? Do you think you would like a relationship/ friendship with her? I'm so happy for you!

  16. Hi Campbell, yes, a friendship/relationship would be good but it's up to her. I can't make someone hang out with me, you know? Anyway, I'd told myself that I'd just leave it alone now, but I was surprised and did hear back already, a lovely mail saying she was home safe and sound, she'd enjoyed her day very much, and that maybe we could arrange to meet up again sometime. So, that's cool, and as I told her, I'm for sure up for figuring something out.

    Thanks to you, and everyone, for the nice comments and well wishes.

  17. I am so glad for you, Campbell, and for your birthmom. It sounds like it was a lovely meeting and you both liked each other. I love that she had you call that you got home ok:-) What a motherly thing to do!

    I think she will stay in touch, because you are not the type to push her or make her feel pressured. It is so good that her parents were nice people too. Mine were as well, that they did not help me keep my son does not define their whole lives, and in my case they were sorry about it until they died.

    Thanks for letting us all know how your reunion went, and hoping this is just the beginning.

  18. Maryanne, thank YOU for your help in proof reading the one email and your continued moral support.

  19. Campbell, I am so happy for you. I remember my mom describing her first meeting with her mother, I got that same warm fuzzy feeling reading your post.

  20. Coming out of lurkdom to say that it sounds like a wonderful day and I'm so very glad for both of you.

  21. Cheryl..warm fuzzy feeling? Yay! Thanks for telling me that. I always get the feeling my writing gives was more like irritation. I can't remember if I knew your mom had met her mother.

    Thanks for coming out of lurkdom to say that Heather! It was a very cool day : )

  22. You are welcome, Campbell! Glad I could help. Your birthmom sounds like you, and having things in common is a good start. Your meeting sounds like mine with my son, not a whole lot of weepy emotion but some laughs and some connection. Mine had Disney special effects courtesy of the weather though; it had been raining all day, but when I got to the restaurant where I was to meet my son and his wife, there was a glorious sunset and big bright rainbow arching over the place! I was waiting for the cartoon birdies and bunnies dancing about:-) When we met we all laughed about it, it was so over the top.

    Wishing you continued connection and happiness.

  23. Haha Maryane, so adoption can be rainbows and sunsets, given the right weather patterns.

    I have the music for the cartoon birdies and bunnies in my head right now.


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