For the record

Thought I'd take the opportunity to set a few things straight. See, it's my blog, I can do that. I have no clue who reads here and I don't really care anymore. I am who and what I am and have nothing to be ashamed of. Something I do care about is my integrity. I try very hard to live my life honestly and be as kind, good and forgiving as I can without being a doormat. I strive to be a very honest person and am upfront by nature. To be accused of being some loser internet poser is something I don't take lightly. Having said that....

I am not my husband.
I am female.
I am adopted.

I am not anti-adoption.
I do not believe adoption should be for profit.
I am pro-choice.
I do not follow any organized religion and do not believe people's spiritual or religious beliefs should be imposed on others.
I don't believe the Lord's Prayer should be said in public schools.
I do not believe gods heal some people because some other chosen people prayed, "take" young fathers because they must have needed more hockey players in heaven, or arrange for unable, unwilling or unfit people to become pregnant so others may have a child. Nor do I believe gods make anyone unable to have children so that they will be available to raise other people's.
I do not believe in the death penalty.
I do not believe creating a child or giving birth to that child makes a person worthy of the gift a child is or qualified, excited, or suited to raise them.
I don't wish I'd been aborted instead of adopted. I believe others have the right to wish they were and I believe I have the right to wish their life was such that they didn't wish they'd been aborted.
I believe people who want and can't have original birth certificates should have the right to them.
I believe care should be taken when searching for biological family members and consideration given to the innocent people involved who may be affected.
I believe adoptive parents should understand and support their children if they decide to search for their biological parents.
I do not believe any child should grow up in a home where his or her existence is resented, no matter by whom.
I believe parents have the right to resent having to raise their children's children.
I believe parents should put their children before themselves until they're grown and on their own. I think all children should be grown and on their own by 27. Ok, 28. Maybe 30 if they're becoming a brain surgeon or a rock star.
I believe every single situation involving adoption is unique.
I believe people who do not want children shouldn't have them.
I believe people who don't want children and decide to not have them should be judged or pestered by others. They should be commended!
I do not believe being in an open adoption situation with your child is as bad as having your child die.
I believe there is coercion in adoption.
I believe there is corruption in adoption.
I believe everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion and believe that opinions can be wrong.
I believe fathers matter.

I wish I had an occupation I felt passionate about. 
I wish my biological mother would contact me back.
I wish no child had to spend it's first years in daycare.
I wish I could do something to change the way some kids are being, or not being, parented.
I wish I wasn't so lazy.

I hate child abuse, verbal as much as physical.
I hate racism, ageism, sexism (either way), elitism.
I hate closed mindedness.
I hate spanking.
I hate bullying.
I hate hypocrisy.
I hate fighting and violence.
I hate deliberate deception and cheating almost as much as I hate being falsely accused of it.
I really hate parsnips.

I love playing baseball and curling, riding horses, playing games, family get togethers and traveling.
I suck at math, history, making gravy, paying bills on time, bowling, mailing gifts, anything crafty or sewing related, and just generally making myself do things I don't want to do. I'm also a geographical idiot.

I do not feel abandoned or rejected because I am adopted and feel very badly that there are some who do.
I feel lucky I wasn't adopted by a crap family and can completely understand why a person would be pissed off that was. I can pretty much imagine I'd feel exactly the same.
I feel very badly for bio/first/natural/birth/original parents who are suffering. I can't even imagine.
I have an addictive personality but am capable of will power, especially when it comes to food.
I rarely argue about something I am unsure of. I hate being wrong too much. If I'm wrong, I will admit it, and apologize. I'll still hate the fact I was wrong and stupid enough to argue.
Family is very important to me and believe wholeheartedly that being blood related isn't the most important thing. Tolerance, thoughtfulness, acceptance, patience and putting aside one's ego are much more important.
I'm a much better loser than winner. I've had more practise with the latter.
I thought I'd heard of Ted Haggard but had to google the name to be sure. Wtf?
I know when I'm good at something and when I'm not. I sing anyway.

The thing I have tried hardest at, done better at than anything else, put the most thought into and enjoyed the most in my life is being a mom.

Any more questions?

Edited for Fifi. I'm fine with lesbians : )

Ohh you just reminded me of him

I have two nieces. They're my little brother's babies and they won't even know him. He died 5 years ago of  what might possibly have been SADS, which means he basically died of nothing at 38. This guy was a great dad. He loved his girls so much and it's a huge, huge loss for them to not have him in their lives. I do what I can to make sure they remain in our lives but it's not easy. They live with their mom in another part of the country and we do our best to visit them and bring them to my home in the summer. When I'm with them I don't talk about my brother all the time, only when they do or if he comes up in regular conversation as he often does for me. I talked quite a bit about him before he died and I am not about to stop because he's gone.

My son was very fond of my brother too although in the last years of my brother's life he wasn't as available to my boy because he had a family of his own. My son has letters from my brother, pictures of the two of them together, a pair of his boots and wears one of my brother's leather jackets but even with all the stuff our memory of people fades as time goes on, especially if we're young when we lose them.

For a substantial period of time, before my brother had a family of his own, he lived with my son and me. I was still married to my son's dad at the time and although at times my brother's stay was a bone of contention for my ex husband, for my son and myself it was great! I'll always remember the three of us dancing in my tiny house to Lithium by Nirvana. My brother had faults as we all do, but he was fun and loving and positive and I'm thankful my boy got to have him in his life, and even though the memory is fading my brother will always be in my son. I see proof of it from time to time, these little glimpses of my brother in my son, little mannerisms or a certain look or way of doing something. It's just there.

When we're influenced by someone, good or bad, I think it stays in us forever, no matter who they are.

Sometimes we get lucky, and the influence is a great one, one that helps us remember and allows us for a split second to be with the person we've lost, to once again have the feeling of them.

I'm a lucky person to have had siblings who've been such a positive influence on my son.

Someone shot at a guy I know

Someone I know got shot with a shotgun while attempting to defend his vehicle that was being stolen. He's ok, the gun was far enough away that he was just hit with a stray pellet. Just below his heart. Lucky him, to have been so far away.

It was young guys who were attempting to steal the car, one of them shot the gun. One of them shot at this guy I know. Shot ...at this guy I know. Just shot at him.

That's attempted murder. Isn't it? Why would a young guy stealing a car think it was nothing to shoot at this guy I know. They'd already gotten away. The news article said one of them was saying "just do it! just do it!".

Some comments on the news article say the parents should be charged. Maybe that's not a bad idea. A co-worker looked real hesitant at this thought. I wondered why. I asked her if she thought one of her kids would ever be out stealing a car carrying a sawed off shotgun, and then use it to shoot this guy I know. Her reply was what I knew already. Not a chance. I know my kid would never do that. Is that just luck of the draw? That our kids know that shooting guns at people isn't right?

We decided that if it were a situation where the parents or guardians of these young men had been to hell and back trying to teach their kids behaviour like this isn't right, that they'd provided an environment at home for these young men where they felt loved and knew the value of human life, that they'd taught them that no matter what type of rules they thought were tough at home the rules of a gang they may join will be way tougher, that they made their kids feel like part of a family so that they had no need to find a place like a gang to feel they belong, to feel important, that they'd sought out every possible solution to any drug abuse that may be going on, that they'd done all they could do to prevent this from happening, the charges could be dropped. If they'd done nothing wrong.

Some thoughts from others on this guy I know getting shot were "well, I'd have done the same thing, running after them and would still do it tomorrow", "maybe it's a single parent who works at night and has to to make ends meet", "nothing can be done to help people like this, all people who engage in a violent crime should be sent off to an island somewhere to live amongst people who are the same".

My thoughts on these thoughts are I wouldn't run after anyone who was trying to steal my vehicle, that even if my co-worker or myself worked at night to make ends meet our kids still would not have shot at this guy I know, and that I think there are things that can be done to help people like this, if they want it.

If they don't, perhaps an island isn't that bad of an idea. 

To Liz, wherever you may be

 A reply waiting for moderation

Liz, hi.

I’ve checked back periodically since your reply to me because I got the impression you were struggling with this issue. Perhaps since you haven’t heard back from the owner of this blog you’ll not take offense to me telling you that spanking is not a necessary form of discipline, that in my perception of spirituality and right and wrong a parent who doesn’t spank would most certainly still be “blessed”.

What they would be blessed with is a child that knows they have a parent who would never harm them physically. A child who may get beat up at school, physically or mentally, but survives because they have a safe haven at home and people that they trust. A child who would believe their parent when the parent teaches that hitting is wrong because they’ve set that example.

Isn’t it our responsibility to teach our kids to be good for the sake of being good? To have integrity about how they conduct themselves and treat others? What’s better, a child who chooses to do something right because THEY know that it is as opposed to doing the right thing out of fear of being hit or that God will see them. What happens if they stop believing that God can see all or they become to big or old to be spanked?

What’s the motivation to be a good person?

If a person can choose to do the right thing knowing that nobody will know if they hadn’t, that what’s most important is what they think of themselves. Isn’t that the ultimate goal?

I agree our kids should have a healthy fear of their parents, but of disappointing them, not of being hit or screamed at by them.

My son will be twenty next month. He’s never smoked, drank alcohol, or done drugs. He’s an aspiring rock musician studying music in university. He's a kind caring son, boyfriend, grandson. He would never steal, litter, vandalize, or physically harm another living creature.

He’s also never been spanked.

Liz, don’t spank because the church or *****  tell you to. You’re clearly not comfortable with the idea and I for one agree with you.

Sip of the iceberg

I had a couple of conversations with my mom about adoption which were provoked by the societies I've discovered online. The society of very much anti adoption members, mainly biological mothers and female adoptees, some of whom are very angry. The society of adoptive parents who's hearts seem to be in the right place trying to learn from these people. The society of potential adoptive parents who use religion in a bizarre way to rationalize their infertility and resulting desire to adopt.

The first conversation started out with me acknowledging that my mom must have done something right to have ended up with two daughters that have very different personalities that are both okay with having been adopted, something I've been wanting to tell her for a few weeks now. I confess this first conversation was fueled by a very large glass of white wine. It's not that it wouldn't have happened without the wine as I've always felt comfortable talking about being adopted it's just that I'm not as familiar with telling my mom she's done something right. For the past few years I've just tried to keep it simple and "not go there" with her as our points of view on life can be quite different and there does come a point where one has to resign themselves that most dogs can get too old to teach new tricks to. Oh I know, I'll be there myself some day but my plan is to fight it tooth n nail.

Some of the first conversation's details are fuzzy, like just exactly how we got to the place where she'd write something on adoption for me to post on my blog. Yesterday's conversation was alcohol free and she insists she's still determined to supply me with her thoughts. Since I want anything she writes to be free of my words her contribution may never happen as she sometimes has trouble completing tasks on her own (without mine or someone else's help) for others but she's surprised me before. If she does surprise me with something, I'll be prepared to cringe and blush, but then who knows, maybe I'll be forced again to admit my mom did something right.

A few of the tidbits from our conversation yesterday are the fact I wasn't kept in foster care at all, something I've wanted to ask since reading that some have been and were unaware. I was kept in the hospital for the month or so prior to joining my family at home. That they paid $25, the cost of the paper work. That it was a year until the adoption was completely finalized, that until then my biological mother could have changed her mind. That in a way, she did pick me (this tidbit was offered up when I was discussing how as an adult I know that it's not the case but as a child it helped me) that, in her words, "well, in a way we did pick you because after seeing you we could have said no". Me, "mom, you know that isn't the same thing". Sigh.

We discussed how she wouldn't have adopted us if she'd been able to have her own children. This one was hard to get her to admit to but she got there. I truly think her hesitance is because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, which is nice. I talked to her about the responsibility we have as adoption affected people to talk about the "dark side" of adoption, that not all families end up like ours. That there are people out there making bigs bucks off other people's misery, that children are being adopted by abusive people and there are parents losing their babies that don't have to. Finally, we talked about the fact that I can't find my voice very often (ever?) online. That the people like me aren't here or aren't talking. I know some of you will say they don't exist but that's not true. Because I exist. My sister exists. My son exists.

It's what we do, not who we are.

Written by my son, for my dad, his grandpa, his partner.

I can still remember the sound

Of the ice cream trucks we chased

Or the hours we spent playing

With the wooden swords you made

I remember playing army men

With nickels and with dimes

And canoeing down the river

Watching water beetles go by

Everybody loved you

That was plain to see

But even in a crowd of friends

You would never forget about me

The years we spent together

Helped make me who I am

I always knew I had a good Grandpa

But now I understand

How important you are to me

And how much your presence meant

I miss you so much Grandpa

But I never will forget

The lessons that you taught me

To be strong and good and kind

To do your best and never give up

And to charm the ladies blind

So now I end this poem

To the best partner a kid could have

I hope you know I'll miss you

But I'll try hard not to be sad

Because the last lesson you've taught me

The most important one so far

Is that you'll never lose the ones you love

Because their memory will live on in our hearts