Just finishing up my wrapping, yes, I still make Christmas stockings for my son, husband and mother. We cheated a little this year on our stockings, my husband and I, and were together while picking out the required toiletry items. I'm ashamed to admit hubby will have no surprises in his stocking this year even though I have a feeling he'll manage to slip a few into mine. Oh well, it's just one of the years when I didn't get anyone a really special, blow 'em away type gift. Sometimes Christmas gifts just go like that, and that's ok.
For me this Christmas will be about being with people I care about, really enjoying each and every one of them. I am very happy with what we're doing tonight and tomorrow and also have an invitation somewhere special on boxing day. After that, my husband and I are taking a vacation, a vacation that will have me by the ocean, one of my favorite places to be. The only thing that could make the trip better would be if my son could join us for part of it but that's just not to be this time.
As I sit here looking at my tree and decorations in the quiet of the morning I think of everyone I care about, those that care about me. I look forward to the visit I will have today with my son. I look forward to the good food and hearty laughs I'll be enjoying over the next few days, and the slow building excitement of taking a trip.
Life is precious and fleeting and I know I'm fortunate to know that. Fortunate to know how important it is to take a bit of time to stop and appreciate the beauty of a poinsettia, the beauty in family and friends, the beauty in life.
Seasons greetings to all and the very best in 2012.
Saturday
Sunday
They loved me, they loved me not. How much does it really matter?
I think it's safe to say that every adopted person will wonder why they're adopted. They may not search for their biological people, they may not try and dig up info, they may not ask questions or obviously wonder, they may only wonder a few times in their lifetime, but it will happen to us all at least once, I think.
I've read tons on the evils of telling a child they were given up out of love. That saying, "your parent(s) loved you so much, they gave you away!" causes lifelong emotional, relationship and abandonment issues. I see how it could, especially said the way I've just written it. They say the child will think, "oh no, if someone loves me it must mean they'll give me away or leave me". I can see how people make the connection, but I know it doesn't have to be that way.
I happen to believe adoption can be an act of love. I believe a mother and/or a father can choose to give their child up for adoption because they care and want something different for their child than they themselves can provide. I also believe an adopted person can understand this if they choose to.
I grew up thinking my bio mom gave me up because she loved me. It didn't affect me adversely when it came to other relationships, my mind didn't make the leap. As strange as it may sound to some, I just never took my adoption personally, never thought that it was something that I did wrong or was responsible for. Never thought that because I was put up for adoption that everyone else in my life would leave me or let me down. Never thought I was less valuable as a human being because of my adoptedness (although as a young teen I did think I was less valuable as a human because I had acne). I've since found out that my bio mom didn't give me up out of love, out of care for me personally, and I still believe there are parents who do it out of love or care, they just don't happen to be my parents (lol). Which is fine, ultimately it doesn't really make any difference if we were given up out of love and care, or given up because of religious values, or given up because it was too late to have an abortion or the bio parent(s) don't believe in abortion, or whatever other multitude of reasons people may have for freely choosing adoption.
My life value, my value as a human being, as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a wife and lover is not tied to my birth and circumstance of it. My value as a person is no longer tied to my parents, any of the four of them, because although my value and worth as a human being was never tied to my bio parents, it certainly was at times tied to my adoptive parents. It no longer is and hasn't been for quite a long time. Oh sure, there's the occasional tinge of "my mommy doesn't love me the way I think she should" (thats amommy for those who wouldn't know) but it's fleeting and is tossed away as quickly as it appears. A waste of energy and emotion that I could be using elsewhere, devoting to an issue or person worthy of it.
My value is not tied to any of my parents. My value is tied to me. My value is in how I live my life and how I care for and treat others. My value is in being honest. In being kind when I should and being strong when I must. My value is in knowing that it's most important I'm likable, good and true to those who truly love and care about me instead of those who are, well, assholes.
You know, you can run around for a long time trying to get an asshole to like you, to treat you well, to show you some respect, to get them to believe in, and allow you to be, your real self, but most times in the end, the person is still an asshole and you've just wasted a ton of energy that you could have used elsewhere.
And please, don't tell me this is an adoptee trait. I know plenty of real kids who run around trying to get assholes to like them. It's a human trait and may have nothing whatsoever to do with the fact your bio parents chose adoption because they cared about you.
Growing up thinking I was given up for adoption out of love and care didn't negatively affect me, perhaps it even positively affected me, who's to know for sure? I know I don't and neither can you. I do know that it's important all kids feel wanted, loved, accepted, and cared about by somebody. It can go a very long way in helping them cope and come to terms with the less than perfect existances we all experience.
I've read tons on the evils of telling a child they were given up out of love. That saying, "your parent(s) loved you so much, they gave you away!" causes lifelong emotional, relationship and abandonment issues. I see how it could, especially said the way I've just written it. They say the child will think, "oh no, if someone loves me it must mean they'll give me away or leave me". I can see how people make the connection, but I know it doesn't have to be that way.
I happen to believe adoption can be an act of love. I believe a mother and/or a father can choose to give their child up for adoption because they care and want something different for their child than they themselves can provide. I also believe an adopted person can understand this if they choose to.
I grew up thinking my bio mom gave me up because she loved me. It didn't affect me adversely when it came to other relationships, my mind didn't make the leap. As strange as it may sound to some, I just never took my adoption personally, never thought that it was something that I did wrong or was responsible for. Never thought that because I was put up for adoption that everyone else in my life would leave me or let me down. Never thought I was less valuable as a human being because of my adoptedness (although as a young teen I did think I was less valuable as a human because I had acne). I've since found out that my bio mom didn't give me up out of love, out of care for me personally, and I still believe there are parents who do it out of love or care, they just don't happen to be my parents (lol). Which is fine, ultimately it doesn't really make any difference if we were given up out of love and care, or given up because of religious values, or given up because it was too late to have an abortion or the bio parent(s) don't believe in abortion, or whatever other multitude of reasons people may have for freely choosing adoption.
My life value, my value as a human being, as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a wife and lover is not tied to my birth and circumstance of it. My value as a person is no longer tied to my parents, any of the four of them, because although my value and worth as a human being was never tied to my bio parents, it certainly was at times tied to my adoptive parents. It no longer is and hasn't been for quite a long time. Oh sure, there's the occasional tinge of "my mommy doesn't love me the way I think she should" (thats amommy for those who wouldn't know) but it's fleeting and is tossed away as quickly as it appears. A waste of energy and emotion that I could be using elsewhere, devoting to an issue or person worthy of it.
My value is not tied to any of my parents. My value is tied to me. My value is in how I live my life and how I care for and treat others. My value is in being honest. In being kind when I should and being strong when I must. My value is in knowing that it's most important I'm likable, good and true to those who truly love and care about me instead of those who are, well, assholes.
You know, you can run around for a long time trying to get an asshole to like you, to treat you well, to show you some respect, to get them to believe in, and allow you to be, your real self, but most times in the end, the person is still an asshole and you've just wasted a ton of energy that you could have used elsewhere.
And please, don't tell me this is an adoptee trait. I know plenty of real kids who run around trying to get assholes to like them. It's a human trait and may have nothing whatsoever to do with the fact your bio parents chose adoption because they cared about you.
Growing up thinking I was given up for adoption out of love and care didn't negatively affect me, perhaps it even positively affected me, who's to know for sure? I know I don't and neither can you. I do know that it's important all kids feel wanted, loved, accepted, and cared about by somebody. It can go a very long way in helping them cope and come to terms with the less than perfect existances we all experience.
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