Who is speaking doesn’t matter when what’s spoken is truth.

Like many of you I've been reading through some of the interviews at Adoption Bloggers Interview Project . I had considered getting involved myself but found I didn't really have the time to dedicate to do a good, to be honest, I was kinda chicken.

I was looking forward to reading one interview that was of special interest to me, not only because it's with a rare father blogger but also because I always enjoy reading what this particular writer has to say.

I wasn't disappointed.

I've asked the writer for permission to highlight some of what he had to say in his interview and you can find it in it's entirety here .

Here's some of what  "I am" at Statistically Impossible has to say in his interview.

There’s an annoying concept, particularly strong in adoption circles, that a child is somehow more the mother’s than the father’s. The ability to be geographically removed from the location of the child during gestation doesn’t change the relationship of a child to his/her father. The father is the father. He may be a horrendous jerk, but his child is still his child without regard to his ethical quality.

Social taboo tells us asking others to raise our children effectively makes us defective humans. People who take in children that are not of their own lineage are compassionate heroes. So giving a child to another for adoption is abhorrent, but the act of adopting is a beautiful miracle. These contrary attitudes need to be addressed and changed.

What first fathers need to be able to engage in an adoption is the knowledge that they can engage, fully, and as they wish. Understanding why it is so common for first fathers to leave adoptions is as easy as searching google. Hop over and search for “birth father resources”. Of the few links that have anything to do with birth fathers at all, one is an out of date activist site specific to the state of California. looks like a great organization, until one recognizes that it is a single page that’s a part of the pages. The article, though well written, is in fact written by a woman. I’m glad to have women’s perspective on the subject of adoption, but we are well out of balance. Susan Wadia-Ellis wrote, in her introduction to The Adoption Reader (1995): "Adoption, like motherhood, has always been a woman’s issue. It is women who give birth, and women who have had their birth children taken from them because of cultural, political or economic forces; and it is women who sometimes feel they must relinquish their birth child in order to protect that child"[p.ix].

Why aren’t more birth fathers involved? Does one sit at a table where no chair is available? What I believe will help open the door for more birth fathers to engage is recognition. It is important to realize that the emotional processes men undergo in adoption are largely the same as women! Men, too, are placing their child in the care of others. It may be a shock for some to hear that men have emotions. We love our children every bit as much as their mother’s do.


  1. He is right on the money. I just wish that more men would realize that they CAN and SHOULD be responsible for their relationship with their children. Parented by them or parented by someone else.

    I am lucky to have such a birthfather in my life, but I know it is less common.

    I applaud adoptive parents who seek and maintain relationships with their children's birthfathers, even when the birthmother no longer has a relationship with him. There should be no less value given to the importance of the relationship of a father and child than that of a mother and child.

    Good men exist. As proven by "I am".

    A loud cheer for him coming from me. I am so glad he puts to words what I hope other silent birthfathers are thinking.


  2. Cheering with ya LisaAnne...thanks for commenting.

  3. So glad to have discovered this blog! It's the first by a birthfather that I've seen.

    Also - I hope you do the interview thing next year!

  4. I was considering quoting part of that interview on my blog, but you beat me to it Campbell. I wish I could get to know my birth father better. Somehow, I think my temperament is somewhat like his.

    And I pray that a way will be opened up so that you can meet your birth father. I wonder what your birth mother would think about the interview with I AM

  5. It's a very good blog Kristen. Thanks for commenting here, always good to hear from you.

    Megan....good thing I got my rear in gear and got the post up ; )
    Actually, my guess is "I am" likely wouldn't mind if you linked and quoted as well. For sure I don't mind. Part of my reason for highlighting his words is to encourage other fathers to speak up/out, to show their feelings do matter.

    I'm not very hopeful when it comes to my bio dad which is such a shame when the info is just sitting there. I think it would be very interesting to meet him or at least get to know a bit about him. I'm such a guy's girl and Im the same as you in suspecting he and I may be alike in personality or interests.

    After reading your comment it occurred to me it would be nice if bmom at least gave him the option to have contact with me. In any case, it's ok even though it's not ok, if you know what I mean. It's out of my control and all I can really do is whatever I can to let other fathers know that they matter too. matter! I'm sorry that so often you're relegated to bystander status. I know that's desirable to some, the same as it is for some mothers, but for those who are interested but find themselves feeling hesitant, unworthy, or unimportant, you may not be and sometimes it's worth it to take a chance.

    I wish you could get to know your birth father better too Megan. Maybe someday, eh? I think it may make it harder when we've lost our fathers and miss them.

  6. I was gonna comment at the interview post you linked to - but since it's your comment, I think my respond should go here instead:

    You wrote:

    "I'll never get my head around such exaggerated or inflated importance placed on conceiving and giving birth."

    A) There is a TON of pressure on being able to conceive. Look around adoption blogs and wait for when the discussion turns to infertility. It's not the end-all-and-be-all, but it matters. It matters enough that those who have experienced infertility have felt their entire world collapse when they found out they could not produce a child. So much of a woman's social importance is placed on whether or not her uteris functions correctly, and this ends up screwing up the adoption conversation.

    B) Because it has been a woman's duty time and again to provide her husband with a child. Men cannot get pregnant, but that obvious fact aside, it's one of those aged oppressive stereotypes that without being able to provide a baby, her role is useless. It is a social status.

    Don't believe me? How many times do people say "When you have children..."?

    Not if. *When.*

    "If" isn't even a question - it's "You will want to be a mother. You will want to have kids, and you will enjoy it. If you don't - what do you mean you don't? What's wrong with you? *Everyone* wants kids."

    It's actually not so much about a mother wanting to love her child or be seen 'as' a mother - it's that a woman, prior to pregnancy, is told she WILL want kids and she WILL conceive children. She WILL want to be a mother.

  7. Just for context, I said that in reaction to something about it being a crowning privilege of a husband and wife who are able to bear children, to provide mortal bodies for these spirit children of God, its hard to learn the the crowning privilege of being a human being is to be able to create life.

    In addition to what you quoted me saying Mei Ling I also said that I thought that if there was a crowning privilege as a human being it would be in being responsible for and dedicated to a life created, not just in the mere act of creating it.

    Having said that, what you've said here is true and I think it's extremely unfortunate. I personally try hard not to do it myself. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood and it shouldn't be about status or expectations.

  8. "I also said that I thought that if there was a crowning privilege as a human being it would be in being responsible for and dedicated to a life created, not just in the mere act of creating it."

    I understand that, but I also wanted you to know (if you didn't already?) why people place such importance on mother, child and uterus.

    Not just about being a mother, but what that socially connotates. Even more so, what it implies before she has even given birth.

    This would also fly in the face of all those "be grateful" someone tells an adoptee.

    It is indeed a privilege to be able to raise a child - either biological or adopted - but it is even more so a privilege to do it by adoption. Because no one "makes" anyone raise a child by adoption - it's not like a woman just "happens" to adopt.

  9. I find it hard to believe that first fathers go through the same emotions, etc. as first mothers. Given that in my case and so many others it was the n-father's refusal to marry or support his pregnant girlfriend that led to the relinquishment in the first place.

  10. In my case there's likely a very a good chance my bio father has no clue I exist and never will and who has made that call? My bio mother. She has her reasons, only known and valid to her. I know another woman who has been told several different men are her father, only to have her bio mother say, sorry I lied. I know a man who was told as a boy to stay away or he'd be kiilled. He to this day has no clue what happened to the pregnancy. I was just reading a thread on by adoptees saying if they could, they'd be fine with suing their bio mothers to find out who their bio fathers are. I've also read about many cases in which the bio father is the only bio parent successfully participating in reunion.

    I understand why you'd be biased initially Robin, but surely you've read more places than FMF where it's mainly the father's fault. Yep, there are asshole guys just as there are asshole women and yep, men are different than women but to dismiss their experiences and the pressures unique to them is not only closed minded but sadly typical.

  11. There are always assholes, but many fathers who were emotionally involved with their girlfriends would have taken responsibility if only they had been given a little encouragement and support by the girl's parents and society, rather than being scared off with threats, or even lies - often both.
    Remember, frequently they were young too. Plenty of time for grief, guilt, confusion and regret.

    I think it is important to consider how many fathers, including those who had no idea a child even existed, are responsive and welcoming when found.

  12. I guess I am closed minded and typical. Yes, I am familiar with the stories, especially out of Utah, of natural fathers fighting fo their right to raise their children, which btw, I TOTALLY support. In my experience, however, and well beyond FMF there have been way more instances of fathers rather than mothers making decisions which led to the child being relinquished.

    Actually, I found this to be an awful story. I have no sympathy for individuals of either gender who just selfishly CHOOSE not to parent. Deciding whether or not to parent is not on a par with deciding whether or not to take the dog for a walk. When a woman is carrying a child and a man fathered a child, they are parents. And mamacita and papacito what that baby wants is you.

    All I got from this man's article is that the birthfather's perspective is a cold one. I could not find one reason why this couple couldn't step up to the plate and meet their ethical and moral obligation to raise the child they created rather than give him to strangers.

  13. Publishing your comment Robin even though it's negative toward "I am" in case he'd like to address your opinion on their decision.

    "I am", please let me know if you would like Robin's comment deleted.

  14. Just a quick, shooting from the hip response related to Robin's comments: I apologize if any of it is unclear or confusing. It's the end of a very long day.

    Disclaimer's out of the way, all I can say is this: if consistent stress, instability, financial unpredictability, and the inability to provide for the emotional needs of a child can all be swept under the rug because poverty is inconvenient to think about in the face of an unplanned pregnancy, it's easy to say "step up to the plate." It's much more difficult when poverty, and ALL it's ramifications, including living with one or more parents actively struggling with depression, is taken into account. I also believe that a child raised by parents who resent parenting (note: resent parenting, not the child) will take notice of that attitude and be significantly affected by it. I cannot change how I feel about parenting. Just as some people cannot change how they feel about infertility and their desire to parent. I understand if this makes no sense to you. I recognize the validity of your opinions and experiences. They may be the very opposite of mine, and that's okay too.

    It's a shame that society at large tells us that reproduction is entirely based on choice, and that unplanned reproduction only occurs in cases of gross negligence. It's also a pity that calm, rational decisions based upon realistic understanding of available resources makes one appear cold. I wish neither of these were the case, but wishing doesn't make anything true. If it did, no one would be placed for adoption, nor infertile. I wish you the best, and I hope I can continue to learn and understand more of your perspective. Maybe you can learn a little more about mine. Who knows, something good might come of it.

  15. Thanks for this post - I'm going over to Statistically Impossible to read more. Our daughter's birthdad is absolutely head over heels in love with her. He was an involved dad throughout her birthmom's pregnancy and remains an involved birthdad who spends time with her as often as he can. As adoptive parents, we find that he is left out of the equation whenever we talk adoption with anyone in the adoption world; whenever we talk about him, we get that wide-eyed "oh my goodness, well good for him" spiel. I can't imagine what he faces on a day to day basis from the idiots gallery.

  16. You're welcome Kate, and thank you for taking the time to share that.

  17. In order to even begin to listen and accept the views and actions taken by others who were in the same position we were as unwed parents, but made other choices, we have to keep reminding ourselves that "she is not me, he is not my kid's father", or for adoptees, "they are not my original parents." Nobody speaks for ALL of any group nor should they stereotype others.

    Like Robin, I found IAm's story hard to take, and yes, to me too it sounded cold. But looking past my first reaction, I realized it was more about my son's father, also the very intellectual, rational type, than about this much younger man I do not know. I was right back there, he looking at me with eyes turned to ice, telling me he no longer loved me and would not marry me, and I could do whatever I decided with our child. I don't think I actually said a word, but inside I was screaming" how can you do this, have you no heart?"

    Needless to say I was not rational at all. I never made any rational choice about my beloved child, I just gave in and gave up eventually. So for both parents to actually plan and execute a surrender when they have alternatives, and then stay together, is foreign and troubling to me. It makes me mad to read about it. How dare they!

    Today, though, I have to come back to "they are not me, or my boyfriend, and what was wrong for me may well be right for them." Just because I wanted to raise my child does not mean that everyone who brings a child into the world wants to or is fit to raise it. As birthparents or adoptees or adoptive parents we are not all cookie cutter people stamped out of our respective molds, but individuals, more different than alike in many ways, and nobody's personal story should be an affront to anyone else.

    It is hard for adoptees to grasp but nobody was given up because the parents did not like that particular child. If there is to be any sort of understanding and reconciliation at all, there has to be a realization that whatever the surrender was, justified or not, it was not personal. It was about the parent's defects or problems or goals in life, not about the adoptee as a person. And birthparents need to realize that if adoptees feel abandoned, they are abandoned, that is the reality they have lived with and to try to justify or deny it just causes more hurt.

    None of this is simple or easy, but we need to keep trying to communicate.

  18. Anonymous...thank you. Your comment is one of those I refer to when I say, "I'm also completely with good anonymous comments. I've seen some great ones!"

    As a mom and adoptee I wish Iam and his son's mom had felt able to raise their son. I don't feel Iam's story sounds cold though. I feel it's sad and I wish it weren't that way but cold? Nope. I think their story is a valuable resource and I appreciate Iam's courage in sharing.

    One of the paradoxes, for me, in adoption is that many times the people who choose adoption seem so much kinder and concerned for their children than parents who keep and raise their children.


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