Adoptee encounter

I had a live and in colour fellow adoptee encounter the other day.

I'm sure it happens more often than we know but contrary to what one might think reading about adoption online, it's not easy to detect someone is adopted unless they tell you. Our murderous tendencies and festering primal wounds are nearly impossible to detect in the everyday exchanges that occur on an average day between human beings.

This particular person's adoptive status was revealed in a rather interesting (to me) exchange. I only know this lovely lady through the service she provides, a very common service most everyone utilizes from time to time.

So how it went down was as she and I were talking one of her co-workers interrupted to ask her if she was going to do something or other once she was done with her sister....referring to me! Now although I was flattered to hear the co-worker thought that I looked like my service provider, as I said she is quite lovely, inside and out, we of course both immediately said, "we're not sisters!".

And then, she said it, said those words I've often said myself, "but then you never know, we could be related. I'm adopted".

And then it went something like this.....

" am I!"

"What? Really?! Are you serious?"

"I'm serious, I'm adopted too"

"Have you met your birthmother?"

"Uh, yeah actually, I have".

My service provider then went on to ask her name to which I had to answer sorry, I don't say her name. I'm a secret, nobody knows about me.

SP (service provider) went on to ask me a few more questions, I asked her a few, and then she quickly said her bio mom's name. Nope, I say, not the same woman, which is as I suspected. I was pretty certain if SP and I were related it wouldn't be as sisters although that seriously would have been cool with me. Although I already have the best sister, it wouldn't hurt to have another who lives so close by, excels at the particular services she provides, and is, as it turns out, an amazing woman who rose above the crap dealt to her by all of her parents.

See, SP was adopted by a family that already had a few boys who were biological to the adoptive parents. The a-mom wanted to adopt, the a-dad did not, a circumstance that I think is pretty common. Anyway, a-dad gives in, a-mom adopts SP, and then turns around and ditches all of her kids when SP was 5 years old. Just....takes off. I'm outta here. See ya suckers.


I cannot wrap my head around that. Who could do such a thing?

To make SP's story even worse, a-dad never ever comes around. She spent her entire childhood in a home where she was unwanted, not even finding a connection with any of her brothers. She is no longer in contact with anyone in her adoptive family.

Knowing all of this it should come as no surprise that SP searched for her 'real' mother, maybe more accurately put would be to say she searched for 'any' mother. Whatever the case, she found her, and found another piece of work.

I won't share all the details. Suffice to say that the woman she found is no mother, except for biologically. SP has nothing to do with her now and it's not surprising given what the bio mom acted like. I'm still blown away by the way she treated SP, not the least of which was intentionally lying five different times about who SP's father is.

I kid you not. 5 times!! We're talking, "so-and-so is your father". SP calls the dude up. The guy has no clue what SP is talking about. SP calls up bio mom and tells her what the guy said. Bio mom says yeah, I know, I lied. 5 freaking times people!!

Yup. Blown. Away.

Sad story, right? It struck me, that's for sure. I feel terrible things went that way for SP and I told her so. Thing is, she doesn't feel bad for herself. She said she had her days of being pissed off, and she's done with them. Her two daughters are her family now.

One of them was with her at work. It happened to be bring your kid to work day. Her daughter is lovely and it's simple to tell that SP has broken the cycle. A mom who never had a mom or dad stepping up and being a better parent than many of those who had the ideal intact family.

Damn I am in awe of that. People who make it, against all odds, in spite of crap parents.

I've thought a lot about SP since our discovery. I've been wondering what she does on holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. I wonder if her daughters have people they think of as aunts or uncles, people they think of as grandparents.

Perhaps I can offer to adopt SP and her girls, invite them to be a part of my family.

That's what adoption is supposed to be, right? Providing family for those who don't have one.

If so, SP certainly qualifies.

Oh yeah. One last thing. SP was adamant about wishing she'd known not to expect much when she searched for her bio mom, wishes she'd been better prepared for the outcome she actually experienced. It would have made things that much easier, much less of a disappointment.

The lesson here? Keep it real people. We don't do each other any favors when we spread false information about all or most adoptees and parents. One can never know what prize they'll find in the bottom of the box.

It could very well be a toy they already have.


  1. What a sad story but I love how she didn't let it take over her life.

  2. Yeah yeah birthmothertalks, me too!

  3. It's amazing to see what some people can work past, while seemingly "smaller" catastrophes derail others.

    "Perhaps I can offer to adopt SP and her girls, invite them to be a part of my family."

    Brilliance. I like the idea of adoption being a mode of relating rather than a legal action that occurs once. To have an "attitude of adopting" could be the new "pay it forward". You trendsetter, you.

  4. This post debunks two pervasive adoption myths. 1) That every relinquished child gets a wonderful, loving, secure forever home and 2) that every first mother is devastated by losing her child and can't wait for the child to become part of the family again.

  5. Great story. She's a great example.

  6. Reading this story was a great way to start my day. SP sounds like the type of person who would be fun to hang out with.

  7. That's such as sad story. I'm so sorry she had that experience.

  8. I agree, you have to keep it real.

    I never expected a fairytale reunion when I was searching, mostly because of my conception circumstances, and because of that, I knew I would never want to know and would never be accepted by my biological father. Anyone who asks me, I tell them the same. Statistical information that shows most mothers want to parent or desire to know their surrendered sons and daughters (which is true) serves to dispell nasty stereotypes. We shouldn't, however, use that information to guarantee every adoptee and every person a happy reunion.

    Happiness comes from within. No one should ever rely on anyone else to be "whole" or "happy."


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