I read quite a few adoption blogs and it's pretty much the same old, same old most of the time. Yesterday though I ran across a little tidbit that made my blood boil, and then run cold.

"I've always prepared for my adopted child to say "You're not my real mommy, I hate you, I want my real mommy." And do you know what I will honestly think? "You're not my real daughter, and I DO want my real daughter. But I LOVE you. No matter what.""

I have a few problems with this, not the least of which is that this person adopts period.

Who says shit like this? Who says to their kid who is adopted that they aren't their real son or daughter? Who tells their kid who is adopted that they want their real daughter, their daughter who died?

I note that the person said they will honestly "think", not necessarily say the words but you know what? Thinking it is bad enough.

If you don't intend to think of your adopted kids as your real kids, really, don't adopt.


  1. Oh Wow! How horrible of a thing to think or say about an adopted child.

  2. This person needs some education on adoption. Serious education. I can only imagine the damage such a response would have on the psyche of the adopted child.

  3. I agree. My feelings would be VERY hurt if my a-mom said that to me. Unreal.

  4. Campbell,

    I read the same post as you did...

    Honestly this person is not yet at the right frame of mind to adopt and I feel they are simply wanting to adopt a "replacement child" for the one they lost. I say this as they are going the foster-care route - not that it is bad route - but in this case - hopefully they are screened out especially if they want a specific age and sex as that would confirm the replacement concept and that would mean that child will never measure up and that would be so incredibly hard to deal with on top of the original loss.

  5. I was thinking about you durinng that conversation campbell and the difficulty you've expressed with seeing your adoptive mothers grief in losing a child to death.

    I'm glad you spoke your mind about it. I hope that she will rethink adopting until she has worked through this issues. Losing a child to death isn't something that you eventually "heal from" in the sense that you never have emotions about it again. It's a long and emotional life journey.

    If you want to parent a child while going on that life journey you will need to have awareness, internal and external support, and specefic ways to ensure that the well of emotions that you have in that loss are not emotions that are projected onto your child or overwhelm your child.

    This is really difficult and maybe even impossible. If it is not possible to find a place of health in which you can parent without your childloss being a dominating theme for your adopted (or parented) child--- then it's a pretty good idea to reconsider whether you should market yourself as a better parent than anyone else.

  6. It was a very interesting post and proved fruitful in all sorts of ways.I hope she finds time to fully grieve her loss and then to educate herself properly on adoption.

  7. I' glad she wrote about how she really feels, she needs to work through the grief process before she considers adopting.
    More PAPs who are considering adoption after the loss of a child or fertility should be encouraged to talk about their feelings. Suppressing them is never a good thing.

    In this instance (& without the benefit of having read her actual comment) what about extending an olive branch? Something along the lines of "Your words suggest you are still greiving the loss of your child, no child wants to be a replacement child." I would also recommend links to help her educate herself on adoption.
    We've all said some pretty ignorant things in our life time that when we look back, wish we could take them back.

  8. I have known quite a few adoptees who were a replacement for a child who died. This often places an extra burden on the adoptee, who can never be the lost child and who sometimes ends up feeling like a disappointment. It is not fair to place a child in this position, and it is not a good reason to adopt.

    This person has to realize the "real daughter" she wants is gone forever and cannot be replaced, even by another biological child. Also agreeing this would be a horrid thing to say to an adopted child and that she is thinking it already is a danger signal.

  9. Ow. Talk about covert bio-essentialism.
    I completely agree with you that if you don't intend to think of your adopted kids as your real kids, you shouldn't adopt.

  10. Cheryl, the comment(s) were made in a place where I'd never weigh in so no possibility of olive branches or education, from me anyway.

    There was much more said by her as well as plenty of things I didn't agree with said to her. In fact, I considered the possibility she was trying to appease the rest of the people commenting by saying what she said, that her adopted child wouldn't be thought of as "real" since that's the strong message sent by some adoption reformists, anti-adoption groups, and family preservationists.

    Writing about it here is an attempt to encourage thought and discussion which thanks to all of you, it has.

  11. That is incredibly sad! My aunt was a replacement child and my mother was a BOGO (buy one, get one), it is a really bad position to put any child in, they will always be a disappointment compared to the now sainted real child. I honestly don’t think people should be allowed to adopt replacement children.

  12. Thanks for the clarification Campbell. I think that just might be worse than saying those things because your uneducated (about adoption)and grieving.
    I have to wonder was she saying these things in an attempt to mock those that might have these feelings?
    I will never understand why people want to have their feelings validated by complete strangers online.

  13. Oops, Cheryl, I guess I didn't do a very good job of clarifying.

    I didn't mean she said it to mock, I meant she may have said it because that's what some online people declare, that adoptee's adoptive parents and siblings aren't real. Maybe she thought that's how she should feel or say she feels in an attempt to say the right thing.

  14. I think I know what you mean by suggesting there is a possibility that she may have been trying to appease.
    There's a vocal community out there telling parents that they can't be "real" unless they're bio, and in a twisted way she may have been reacting to that.
    Not good though.

  15. That's sad. It's definitely important to do all your grieving before you bring a new child into your family.

  16. That's so sad. I hope she is not approved to adopt. No child should be a replacement for a dead child.

  17. OMG WTF?!

    There are just... no words...


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