On second thought, she's all yours

The other day my mom talked about making perogies with her friend's daughter. Two hundred of them! All for the friend's daughter, none even for my mom to take home (which if you knew my mom is shocking in itself). Wow. Nice thing for my mom to do, she has never done that with me. It's like pulling teeth for her to cough up a perogy or two for my son and I unless someone special is in town visiting and dinner is at my place. Oohh, sounds bitter, eh? Jealous right? Well, it was. But when I think about it now, the LAST thing I feel like doing is making a few hundred perogies with my mother! Yeah, no, not my idea of fun.

So? Why would I be jealous of something I don't even want? Well, of course it wasn't the perogy making experience I wanted, what I was jealous of was someone getting something I don't have and what I don't have is a storybook relationship with my mom.

I think it's all about desire to have something that's very difficult to obtain. Especially when it comes to mothers and daughters. I'm trying to think of someone, anyone that I know that has the ideal mother/daughter relationship and I'm drawing a blank.

People talk about baggage in romantic relationships, well I think we also have it familial relationships. I think parents bring their own from growing up which is then thrown on to the pile that starts accumulating when they have kids. Why do we expect it to be any different than any other relationships? Sure there is a different kind of connection but the dynamic is the same. In fact, many times we treat our family members with less consideration than we would an acquaintance or a stranger on the street.

Good relationships take effort, by all parties involved. It's my opinion that those special parent/child relationships that do on occasion exist have taken effort and commitment early in the child's life and then an ongoing dedication on behalf of both parties to continue to work things out, to care about how each other are feeling, to really be prepared to apologize when warranted and try to see where the other is coming from.

Just wanting something doesn't make it so. And if it isn't so, let go gracefully. Quit banging your head against the wall. Nothing is automatic, no relationship is effortless or magical.

It's natural to wish something were a certain way, but it's important to have the strength to recognize when that's all it will ever be, is a wish. I'm not saying jump ship necessarily, that's for us all to decide as individuals, but let go of the fantasy. Stop setting yourself up for failure and disappointment and try and see things as they really are.

You never know, maybe what actually is will be a hell of a lot better than continuing to hope for something that never will be.


  1. "Stop setting yourself up for failure and disappointment and try and see things as they really are."
    Amen. I needed to hear that. I tell my sister that from time-to-time, but I guess I needed to hear it too.

  2. I know, eh Meliski? So much easier said than done. I have to remind myself of this all the time and in fact, it's my sister who helped me accept it when it comes to our mom.

  3. This post reminded me of my Mom and mines relationship. I get jealous sometimes because it seems like my Mom has time for everyone but me. If I reach out and it doesn't work everyone has an excuse for her. The last was that she doesn't check her voice mails because of an annoying aunt that calls all the time. I don't know what it is that I desire from her. I haven't felt any kind of motherly love from her in 20 years or so. So, I need to accept her as she is but I do seek the desire for a mother daughter relationship. (whatever that is) I have a close friend who used to be my teacher and she fills some of that void that I feel and tells me she is my other Mother.

  4. Great post. I can't disagree with anything you've said here and it especially resonates with me right now while I stay at my mom's for the next week. When it comes to some things, I know that we will just never be on the same page and that changing another person is out of my hands, but changing how I choose to view the situation is something I can manage.

  5. I just wanted to tell you that this was a terrific post. Like Soo, I couldn't find anything I disagree with. Relationships are never easy.


  6. I just wanted to tell you I want some perogies. Really bad.


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