Everyone exists in a reality that was created by someone else

I've just been reading a blog post. It seemed so much like the blogger was reaching for trouble, creating their own drama, surmising about things that seem like a stretch in imagination. I get that it's in an effort to inform, to educate, to warn others about the possible ramifications of adoption but not everyone knows that's the intent, or will take the time to investigate. Take the time to think about the words and the feeling and care that goes into them. I know for myself as soon as I note that a blog seems unrealistic or ridiculous, (overly religious PAP's or AP's come to mind) I'm gone. Never to return.

It got me thinking about birth order and birthrights and gender at birth, not to mention circumstance of birth. How absolutely self indulgent and whiny adopted person's issues may come across to those who are biological to their family but yet still have their own personal crosses to bear, those who mean it when they say they "wish they'd been adopted". I also acknowledge that an adopted person may have their adoption issues as well as the problems I discuss here, sort of like a double whammy.

I mean just think about how many scenarios can and do exist. I'm going to list a few and welcome any I don't mention or haven't thought of. If you're touched by adoption, try and put that aside and think of "regular" folks for just a minute or two. I know some will say that's impossible, that they can't because they are, but for those that can, be creative or tap in to your own experience or the experience of those you know.

I mean seriously, isn't it supposed to be about children, period? Not just those of us who are adopted?

K, the first one I want to discuss is gender. I know of at least one person who insisted throughout her entire pregnancy she'd be terribly disappointed if she had a boy. No matter what was said to her, no matter how many times she was begged to not think that way, she was adamant that she did not want a boy and vowed she'd be unhappy if she had one. She did. Nuff said.

The unwanted, unplanned, yet kept child. This child could be the oldest, the youngest, or an in between but the timing of their conception was poor, unexpected, and inconvenient. The parent or parents cannot get over this fact and have an uncontrollable resentment toward this child for their entire existence.

The child born to a person of celebrity or infamy. The whole world knows who they are and their story. It is inescapable, the child's existence is forever compared to their famous parent, their every move under a microscope.

Order of birth. It can be huge you know. There are many traits and responsibilities automatically assigned based on birth order. There are unconscious attitudes toward other family members, peers, co-workers, and offspring directly related to the order of one's birth.

Poverty. People born into impoverished situations are affected by it, just as they can be affected by being born into wealth. It can be negative or positive, but they are affected.

Who a person is conceived to, and why. I'll use the example of a child conceived by people trying to "fix" their unhappy or broken relationship. I dare anyone to say this is effective in achieving the intended goal. If the relationship is broken a child will certainly not repair it but the responsibility to do have done so can be glaring to the child.

A child conceived of rape. I imagine no matter how "ok" the mother is with it all, that even if she's managed to somehow separate the act of conception and the process of giving birth and parenting, the child is affected by who and what their father is or was.

A child who is a multiple, but is the only survivor of birth. I know of people who've experienced this and there seems to be a measure of guilt and/or loss they carry forever.

Children who exist in a family and have suffered the loss of a sibling, suffer their parents loss of a child. This can come in the form of death, adoption, mental illness and/or substance abuse and addiction, incarceration whether it be wrongful or warranted. I think of the family of an American woman who is in prison for murder in Italy. I saw some coverage of how the rest of the children in that family are affected and it's heartbreaking, all around.

Children who suffer the loss of the important parent or parents when they are young and still need their mom or dad and have to make this difficult journey through life without the person they needed the most.

Finally, I think of children born to evil or demented parents. Children like those born to well known women who have put their sick husbands before their own babies, or who abuse their babies themselves, either after they are born or before.Children conceived by horrible men who do horrible things to others and/or their own children.

I understand, accept, and empathize with adopted people who feel a primal wound or experience trauma because of it. I believe some people are more affected than others, whether it be because of their personality or because of their circumstance or a combination of both. I think though that we don't have the corner on misery, trauma, loss, rejection, guilt, obligation or even abandonment. Nothing is ever perfect, one can ever know what if's or what if not's. These are our lives, these are our families, both created for all of us who exist without any one of us having been consulted or given choices.

I think every child deserves to be born planned and wanted, just the way they are, to responsible, caring and thoughtful people who've given thought to what they are doing, what choices they've made and will make for this new human being so that when the rest of the crap happens, at least they've had a fighting chance to make it.

Idealistic, maybe unrealistic, perhaps even ridiculous I know, but thank you for sticking around to the end even if you think so.