"The one that adopted me, not the biological one."

It's so difficult dealing with my mother. The one that adopted me, not the biological one.

The biological mother I have is far less upsetting than the adoptive mother, in my case. I am disappointed by both but because of my ongoing, day-to-day familial connection to my adoptive mother, she's the one that hurts me almost daily, and it's not getting any better. It's worse.

I continue to work to protect myself from both women, think about my physical and mental health, as stress and emotional abuse can be harmful. It's never ending, the self-talk.

"Oh, I feel so guilty! Wait! You've done nothing to feel guilty about, just stop it. You're being manipulated by a person without real feelings or empathy. You are absolved of worrying about her feelings because SHE HAS NONE. It's wasted energy, pain for nothing, it's a cycle of abuse and you're being abused emotionally by this person. You can only control your reaction to it."

Alright. I feel a little better. But...

"Oh, I wish I could have a nicer relationship with my mom, I feel so bad that she's alone and sad. We should be able to have fun now and then, get along. Maybe if I said this, or that, did this, or that. Aw, come on, you KNOW nothing will change, no matter what you do. You've already done everything you can, and still do plenty. Nothing is enough for her, she sucks the life out of people. You have nothing to regret or feel bad about because you've been dedicated for years, for forever really. She's alone because of her, not because of you. You've done all you can do and been there for her more than anyone else in her life."

There. That always feels better. Big breath in. Big breath out. Start over, don't be affected. You can do this.

People are never emotionally separate from their parents, whether they're amazing or crap. Whether they're present or invisible. Whether they stay connected to them or shut them out.

If you're fortunate enough to be a parent to someone, be your best. Be what your son or daughter needs. If you can't put your child ahead of yourself, don't bother becoming a parent.

If you are the sort to decide to parent even though you're a selfish, narcissistic, sociopath, you won't listen to me anyway. Of this I am certain.

Shame.