Adoptee Rant

It's no secret my mom and I have been struggling with our relationship over the past several years.

Even more than normal.

I've been trying to deflect, defuse, defer and detox but something always happens to whip me back up again, mom manages to twist the knife just enough more to hurt me, which sets me off.

While applying bandages to our most recent scrap, my being adopted and meeting my biological mother came up. Again.

I cannot tell you how much this bothers me.

It seems no matter what I say or how I say it, my mom is incapable of looking at herself as being responsible for our tumultuous relationship, looking at herself as being the reason I have so much resentment toward her. It's just the way she is.

Problem for us adopted kids is is that being adopted is the perfect get out of jail free card for people like my mother.

It's one of my biggest pet peeves with the Primal Wound Theory, that those of us who are adopted are inescapably damaged. What if Verrier made some mistakes as a mother and her adopted kid happened to be the one who rebelled, more because of her personality than her adoptedness. I would even go so far as to say ok, because of our adoptedness, sometimes we adoptees might be extra resilient which could make us a little feistier but there has to be somebody setting us off. Somebody like a parent who refuses to look at what they may be doing wrong.

My mom wanted to adopt another kid and I'm what she got. I don't owe anyone anything for having been adopted. I'm lucky I survived after being left alone at a hospital, my well-being in the hands of the fickle finger of fate. I'm grateful for all the good things in my life. I am a competent, independent, thoughtful fifty year old woman and do not fight with my mother because I'm adopted or because I met the mother who gave birth to me. I fight with my mother because she is difficult, self absorbed, and incapable of compassion and empathy for others.

Please, look at yourself before you look at your kids when trying to find a reason for your poor relationship with them.

Apologizing to your kids and taking responsibility for your parenting mistakes goes a very long way in building trust and communication, not to mention sets a great example. One of the best things we can teach our kids is how to admit and own being wrong.

If you've never done it, you clearly need to because we all make mistakes.

Adoptive parents, despite all the crap you read, it may very well be YOU who has issues, not your child.

If you can't even entertain the possibility of that being true, I pity your kids and hope they are as resilient as I am.


  1. I know it's not for everyone, but my husband and I love the Beyond Consequences approach. One of the main ideas is that parents should not try to change their children, but should focus on adjusting their responses and should face their own fears and triggers. I'm sorry it's so difficult with your mom. It sounds like you're doing everything you can.

  2. "Problem for us adopted kids is that being adopted is the perfect get out of jail free card for people like my mother."

    Word. The Primal Wound is a perfect gift for some adoptive parents.

  3. thanks for this post. very true. appreciate - as an AP - hearing this said by an adopted person. i agree wholeheartedly. my kids are perfect just the way they are, it is us AP's who need to dela with our stuff to best support& love our kids. we too are a BCLC family like the first poster and believe it is our responsibility to adjust not our kids.


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