I have been so depressed lately.
I have somehow managed to allow my self esteem to take quite the beating.
There's such a fine line between listening to people's criticism in order to improve oneself and letting oneself be destroyed. I have always struggled with knowing whether I am actually feeling sorry for myself, being hypersensitive, or if I am actually being treated poorly.
I suppose the source of criticism or disappointment is an important thing to consider. As in, we value some people's opinions more than others. Even still, sometimes we may not value a person's opinion but their insensitive or unkind behaviour is extremely difficult to ignore, to internalize. It still hurts and is capable of shaking our self esteem.
I think part of what's happened to me lately is that I have kept in my disappointment, my anger, my hurt and strayed from my proven method of coping with the day to day disappointments in life.
I am not normally the type to give the silent treatment. I want to fix things now, not let them stew. I will give in or compromise to achieve harmony. I will also own and apologize for my culpability. I will weigh the benefit of putting an end to an argument and give someone I love and respect the benefit of the doubt. I don't like getting the silent treatment, and I've learned it doesn't do me a damned bit of good to force myself to give it.
I am turning 50 soon, something that doesn't bother me as far as age goes. In fact, after having breast cancer, I am extremely happy to get as many years older as I possibly can.
It does bother me to turn 50 with a negative opinion of myself. To turn 50 with less confidence than I had a year ago. It does bother me to turn 50 still needing outside validation to have healthy self esteem.
I don't think I am capable of having a healthy self esteem on my own but then forced or less than sincere demonstrations of love and appreciation mean nothing to me.
Personally, I think sometimes my need to feel special, valued, important, makes me act in ways that ultimately afffect my self esteem negatively. Hell, I don't think it, I know it.
Life ain't easy, is it?
Wednesday
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The big, long, science rich comment has been deleted. Now with 100% more humanity.
ReplyDeleteThis sucks and is really familiar. I've given up on ever having the self generating, unflappable self esteem I've been told I should have. With the ways my thoughts and emotions function, it won't happen. For a long time that made me feel even worse.
Lo and behold, there's research that backs it up. Some of us just don't get a bottomless well of confidence and self love. But as you know, there are work-arounds. It sucks we need to use them, but they're better than the alternatives. You've found them before. You'll rediscover the ones that work and replace the ones that don't.
Even if you don't feel confident about your worth right now, I do. Your perspective and friendship has meant a lot to me. Try to be gentle with yourself.
Hi Campbell,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to read that you're feeling a bit down and I'm wishing you better days ahead. I've passed the 50 mark and it's not bad at all. Actually, it sounds worse than it is, and life can be pretty good. When I was struggling with the bogus blog issue, you were a huge help to me and I will always appreciate your great advice, listening ear, and kind words of wisdom.