On my post previous to this one, I was asked to further explain what I meant when I said, "Maybe, just maybe, part of the key to all of this is to have concrete proof that we're important to our biological families before investing emotionally in them, before handing them our hearts."
I guess I'm saying that adoptees who are reuniting and having relationships after years of no or minimal contact should protect themselves from disappointment or pain by assessing their biological/first/natural parents' and siblings' attitudes, perceptions, interest, toward the adoption and the adoptee his or herself before investing (further) in them emotionally. I would think this would also apply in reverse, to parents who have searched and found adopted out adult children.
Having said that, I realize for some adopted people connection and feelings of love aren't things they feel they have control over, so perhaps for them it would be wisest to not get their hopes up too high for finding a familial connection? To be prepared to not have feelings of love or importance reciprocated.
I was also asked what I would call concrete proof that I am important to my bio family.
Well...in my case, likely the biggest thing would be for my bio mom to tell her family about me. That would say a ton about my importance.
Other things would be asking for photos, interest in meeting my son, quick emails or phone calls when she is busy saying that she's busy without me having to ask if everything is ok.
Oops, almost forgot the other biggie. I think it would be concrete proof that I am important to my biological mother if she told me who my biological father is.
Adopted people reading here, what would be concrete proof to you that you're important to your biological/first/birth parents or family? As always, anonymous comments are welcome.
Friday
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I'm also completely fine with good anonymous comments. I've seen some great ones!
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An enduring relationship.
ReplyDeleteHer telling her five other children I exist.
ReplyDeleteFrom a mother's viewpoint, an enduring relationship as well. I don't think there is any way I could be as important to my son as he is to me, but that is understandable and ok with me.
ReplyDeleteCambell's wishes for her mother to tell her other children, tell her who her bio father is, and be more prompt in answering are all reasonable from the adoptee's side, and I certainly wish she would do all those things. I have done them for my son.
Thanks for addressing my question. I agree that Campbells request are reasonable requests and hope sometime soon she gets what she needs.
ReplyDeleteMy natural mother feeling happy that I am happy.
ReplyDeleteCampbell, do you have any other leads that could help you find your father without the help of your birth-mother?
ReplyDeleteTo give my biological siblings the choice whether they want to know me or not. The fact that I may be something they want or need in their lives. To possibly release my real mum from the prison of secrecy.
ReplyDeleteNope Megan, not a thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not adopted, but it seems that your mother's willingness (or unwillingness) to talk about you is very important. I hope someday she'll be ready to do that.
ReplyDeleteWhat happens if the adoptee can't answer that question, if there are no signs that he or she, the relinquished member of the family, is important? Should the adoptee give up at that point? I wonder what others think.
ReplyDeleteOkay - I buy that.... now, how can an adoptee prove that the mother is important to them? After all, it is a two way street. You can't ask a mother to put it all out there if the adoptee is still playing the games, can you? Fair is fair after all. And frankly, I have yet to see any evidence that I am important to my daughter at all, except as a backup wallet when she once again pisses off the people that adopted her and she is desperate to pay her rent, buy that outrageously huge 72" tv - after she says "hey mom, I have this beautiful gift for you - mailing it tomorrow" and tomorrow never comes, but three months later asking me for money or wanting me to co-sign yet another loan for her.....
ReplyDeleteSo, how do I know that I mean anything at all? And how can my family believe that she is wanting to actually be part of my family if she constantly shuts them out - and they are children and adults that knew her as a child?
It is a two way street - always.
Hey Lori...kind of surprised to see you here. I hesitated to publish your comment but decided to go ahead as I don't think your daughter reads here. If she does, my apologies to her if she finds your comment hurtful.
ReplyDeleteIf everything you've said here and elsewhere about your daughter is factual, I can see why you'd question your and your family's importance to your daughter. If you've yet to see any evidence that you're important to her, after all this time, perhaps you're not.
Since you asked, and speaking for myself, I think I demonstrate my bio mom's importance by honoring her privacy, checking in to make sure she's alright when I haven't heard from her in a while, writing her back within a week or so when she mails me, remembering her birthday, offering my home to her if she comes to town, and I guess by standing up for her when people, my mom-mom included, minimize the predicament she's found herself in by having kept me a secret.
Campbell - I only write factual things about my daughter. I am surprised that you don't realize that - if you are curious, go back and look through my oldest blog posts - for comments that are anon and ugly - they are usually her. At one point she names herself - her whole name and states she is my daughter.
ReplyDeleteAs far as hurtful, I actually have gotten past worrying about what hurts her feelings. She doesn't read any blogs except mine - obsessively (I really do have copies of everything she has said and done on line - emails, blog tracker logs, etc. - mostly because I just don't get it)so worrying about her hurt feelings are the last thing on my mind.
I won't comment again, since you don't understand and assume that I am lying, but I wanted you to see this is a two way street - don't ever apologize to my daughter again. It feeds her psychosis (per the only psychologist she has ever consented to see) and makes her even more unbearable. Thank you.
Lori, I am not assuming you're lying and I do and always have realized it's a two way street. I realize you aren't worried about hurting her feelings but since I don't know her and she's never done anything to me, I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings by publishing something that could be hurtful to her.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome to comment here anytime. I was just surprised to see you as I haven't since you took great issue with another post of mine.
You asked me how an adoptee can prove that a mother is important, I answered from my own perspective. I see now that that wasn't what you were after but rather wanted to school me on two ways streets. Thank you, I am already aware.