So I've continued on reading adoption related blogs and forums. Maybe a mistake, I don't know. What I can't help but notice is the lack of adoptees like me. People who really are okay with it, who understand and accept what happened. So I had to wonder, is it because people who are generally fine with their lot in life don't write or read blogs about adoption? Or, if they do, maybe they don't feel the need to comment? I know it can be frightening to contribute an opposing view on a strong blog.
I decided to talk about it all with my older sibling who was also adopted. It was a great conversation and made me feel much clearer about all of the new information I've been digesting lately. I'm also happy to say older sibling has agreed to write a guest post which I'll feel honoured to share with you. I think it should be of interest to those of us who think about adoption from time to time. Two kids from 2 different biological parents, adopted into the same family within 3 years of each other, different stages of "reunion".
Although I look forward to the post, it's definitely freaking me out that my blog will be read by someone who knows me and knows me well, but also someone who I love and respect and damn it, is a much better writer than I.
Sunday
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Campbell, something we all forget to say. EVERYONE has a different perspective and different take on life. If you are good with your life the way it is. Blessed Be. Don't feel muzzled because there is a large number that aren't ok with it.
ReplyDeleteEVERYONE has a different maturing experience. It is individual whether a person is adopted or a parent of either kind. You have your own experience and, if I understand your blogs correctly, you are in a different stage than a lot of us.
You are entitled and should speak out for yourself. That I respect. I will wait for your guest writers post. I think it will be interesting.
Thank you Lori. This comment means lots to me, especially with all you have going on. Your daughter is a lucky girl : )
ReplyDeleteCampbell you have a strong voice. Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
Thanks Shannan, for saying that.
ReplyDeleteHey again Campbell. Thanks for your kind comment on my blog. I found this blog that has a long blog roll of adoptee blogs. Maybe you'll find others you connect with. Here's the link.
ReplyDeletehttp://ecbjournal.wordpress.com/adoptee-blogs/
Cheers!
"People who really are okay with, who understand and accept what happened."
ReplyDeleteThat's likely a huge factor in it. Why would someone blog about adoption if they felt they were totally okay with it? I imagine the entries wouldn't be much more than just "I am so appreciative of the life and family I gained by adoption" because that just outs the need for complexity.
I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Many of the adoptees who blog specifically to point out the loss side do so because they feel it's complex.
For those that don't feel loss or that adoption isn't a complex thing, or whatever, then I'm not sure how long or extensive their blog entries would be.
Yeah Mei Ling, I guess that's part of it.
ReplyDeleteI think there is something to be said about the intimidation factor though. It's certainly not popular to lean toward the positive when it comes to adoption.
It's true I don't feel loss, but, adoption certainly is complex.
I agree Mei Ling. It's great if people want to read your blog, Campbell, but why would people who are trying to explore the complex side of this experience read it? I see a tendency in your writing to equal complexity and willingness to explore with a "negative experience." I don't get that. There's plenty of adoptees who have had wonderful parents and were very happy with them, but they still say there's complexity. You say you were happy but absolutely no complexity. Even in your reunion, I don't see any exploration of the range of emotions for the adoptee and birthmother. Not my experience or my friends experiences of reunions. It troubles my heart a bit for you. But maybe you're someone who just doesn't look deep into things. That's okay. But please don't advise parents who are adopting to say that their kids are "special" or that their mother loved them so much that they gave them up. Even if these statements worked beautifully for you, they really confuse a lot of children. There might be adopted children out there that feel like you, but please don't burden adopted children who do experience the complexity of being given up and adopted, and actually feel the loss and grief of that--please just don't advise parents to put that on them. Because you're advising parents to except kids who don't feel loss and grief! Then they won't be prepared or might even feel like there's something wrong with the child if he or she does. Blessings to you on your journey.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had a reunion. I still haven't heard back from my birthmother even after having sent another letter with my full contact information. Do I check my email, call display, and regular mail everyday looking for a response? Of course I do. Am I going to let it rule my mood or let it make me feel rejected? Not a fat chance in hell.
ReplyDeleteI wonder why. I think it's inconsiderate, but I, like everyone else, deal with inconsiderate people all the time. Maybe there's a decent reason I haven't heard back, maybe I still will. I just don't know.
As far as advice, I have every right when asked to say what worked for me. To reduce all I've said to just "telling kids they're special" is an unfair assessment.
Let me reiterate, it's true I don't feel loss, but adoption certainly is complex.
"Let me reiterate, it's true I don't feel loss, but adoption certainly is complex."
ReplyDeleteCare to elaborate on that one in a future post? ;)
Lol Mei Ling...I will, but, when I do and you decide to read better get comfy because it could be a long one!
ReplyDeleteOh, I look forward to it. :P
ReplyDeleteI am an AP and have enjoyed reading your blog and your POV on blog comments, etc. You have a strong voice and certainly are entitled to feel how you feel, just as much as anyone else. I have recently begun questioning adoption as a "good thing", but I like reading all points of view.
ReplyDeleteHey Kris, thanks for stopping by and commenting.
ReplyDeleteI agree it's clearly not always a good thing. In some cases it's a very bad thing. I just think it's a valid option, or maybe better words would be, a sometimes suitable alternative to something worse. I guess we can all agree that some type of reform is needed with the elimination of financial profit being one of the things at the top of the list.
Hello Campbell. I wanted your opinion on something; there are people who adopt without expecting to be referred to as that child's parents. Yes they of course get full parental rights because they have taken over the responsibilities for the child's parents that are deceased or parents that can't raise them for whatever reason, but some people that get the rights don't seek to also claim the title. Like a child adopted out of foster care by a Grandmother would not suddenly become the brother of his uncles and would not be expected to call his Grandma "Mom" his birth certificate would not be re-issued with the Grandmother's name replacing the name of her daughter the woman that created the now adopted child. So I'm thinking that illustrates the fact that doing the job of a parent does not necessarily make a person a parent - that is unless they really want to be called "mom" and adopted a child specifically to become a mother and are hoping to build their own family by adopting a child from a family that is not able to meet its obligations. The same child could just as easily have been adopted out of foster care by an unrelated stranger who did it specifically to experience parenthood rather than to help raise a child for parents that were unable to do it themselves. The child would be then dealing with the whole dueling mothers thing - "who is my real mother?"
ReplyDeleteSo I wanted to know what you thought about that observation. And also I have been approached to do another reunion show. I turned down ABC when they approached me for "Find My FAmily" it felt like it exploited people so I said no. This is a dif network and it would be the surprise reunions i do for people who happen to be looking for eachother. I'm not trying to alienate anyone. I just like the idea that they'd pay for me to reunite a ton of people that basically found eachother and don't know it yet. What do you think about reunion shows from the perspective of someone that is really cool with their adoption.
I don't have a problem saying no to these guys too if I get enough negative feedback from adoptees whose opinions I've come to respect.
Marilynn