And other ideas and thoughts ....

"Adoptees Using DNA to Find Family" My Review

2012-01-31T14:22:00.000-08:00

I recently had my attention directed to this transcript of a radio program.

The first blog post that brought it to my attention was highly critical of the contributions of Kimberly Leighton, one of the panel guests on the program. Leighton is assistant professor of philosophy at American University and was, I assume, invited to be a part of the discussion because, according to her bio linked to above, "one question Kim asks is: how might current sciences of identity such as genetics and genomics, and the ethical problems they purportedly raise, affect current political, social, and legal critique, particularly in regards to articulations of rights and freedom?"

Makes sense, no? It's also interesting to note that Leighton herself is adopted and has experienced a successful search for her "birth mother" and says her life was improved knowing her and her story.

Seems to me an excellent choice of a guest for a discussion on adoptees using DNA to find family.

I loved that Leighton asked the representative of Family Tree DNA, Bennett Greenspan, how they "handle the more psychological aspects, as well as the ethical ones, of searching -- because many adoptees -- when they do find, they find more complicated situations than they expected."

I don't love that she asked because I think the Family Tree outfit has a responsibility to provide any kind of assistance to their customers in coping with the psychological aspects of searching, I love that Leighton bringing it up opens up (or should open up) discussion about the ethics and ramifications of searching, negative and positive, because it's a discussion worth having.

A large part of that discussion needs to be about our mothers and fathers and whether they want to be found or not, something that seems to be a terribly conflicted topic in online adoption discussions.

Discussing complications and ethics in adoption search does not deny adoptees a right to know or undermine a parent who wants to be found. It actually could aid in achieving openness. What's the difference between saying most mothers did not willingly give up their kids and want to be found and saying most mothers wanted and were promised confidentiality, anonymity, and have no desire to find or be found?

There is none. They both achieve nothing because both are true and if we try and make one or the other gospel, there will always be someone sitting there thinking "well, I know that's not true because it's not my experience", and when that happens, credibility is affected. Every experience is valid and it does no good to pick and choose only the stories that suit an agenda, does no good to minimize circumstances that are unlike our own.

I find the stats that say that the majority of mothers (sorry dads, nobody talks about you) want to be found and to reunite so far-fetched. We aren't going to see the parents who do want to remain anonymous, want their perceived promise of confidentiality honoured, jumping up and down yelling, "here I am!".

We can talk all we want about the world being so small now, the expectation of anonymity being unrealistic, but it wasn't always. My own bio mother said her being found was never supposed to happen. It's why she went "so far away" to give me up.

I'd like to share and comment on a few things Kimberly Leighton said. I think she's bang on with much of what she says within the context of her role on the panel which was as an expert in ethics and an adopted person who has searched successfully.

"When you go on an adoption search, you're not finding a static piece of information. You're stepping into an ongoing life of an infinite number of people." -Nothing to argue with here.

"So it's not simply the same as doing a genealogy. When adoptees go searching, they're opening up Pandora's boxes of other people's lives."

-Anyone who denies that an adoptee searching is different than real kids searching is in a big fat friggin' fog. It is NOT the same thing as doing genealogy for most adoptees. The only way it would be is if the adoptee was just researching out of interest and had no plans to make contact with anyone.

Leighton was asked, "In one case, at least reported in The New York Times, someone found a third cousin. What use is that?".

She answered, "Well, I think this opens up a large -- larger question, which is, what do we think family is? And I think adoptees who are using these services go in already hoping that they're going to find some kind of some kind of connection. And it raises a lot of questions about what the ethical issues here are. And that's probably where I would want to start, in some ways, in this conversation because, in a contemporary situation, when we have closed records, the women who gave up their children for adoption were, in many ways, promised confidentiality. So we have to think about -- as much as we like the happy ending story that these searches seem to promise, we do have to raise, at the first level, the ethical question of what about these women's or men's or larger families' right to privacy." -I guess if you're of the mindset that the only person worthy of privacy is the adoptee and that no mothers felt they were promised or wanted confidentiality then this comment is complete garbage to you but I think, at the very least, it would be helpful to acknowledge the fact that people/families like this exist and aren't as few and far between as people want us to think. Read a thread asking adoptees if their mothers were open or happy to be found, if they were immediately open and welcoming upon contact. In my experience, it's at least half if not more of the adoptees who were not welcomed by their mothers with open arms. Does it make it right? Maybe not. Is it reality? Yes.

"We never really know the full story of why someone has relinquished a child, and we can assume it wasn't an easy choice, no matter what. And to enter -- anyone who enters a search has to enter that process knowing that they don't know what happened. They don't know who's been told. They don't know what the circumstances were. And to find a third cousin and to begin a search backwards that way opens up the possibility that you're presenting yourself to family members who have no idea that this woman might have even been pregnant." -Hear this and believe it!

Hmm, reading through the transcript I could pretty much copy everything Leighton contributed. To me it all came across as balanced and realistic, an excellent assessment on adoptees using DNA services to find family.

Leighton definitely did not come across to me as an enemy, a traitor to adoptees, as only caring about herself and her own search. She didn't offer her personal position on the legal issue of one's birth record and kept her comments confined to the topic which was the use of DNA services by adoptees to locate family. She could hardly pretend there aren't ethical questions and concerns surrounding adoptees searching, especially when using a method that can involve 3 and 4 times removed relatives who barely know each other, if at all.

There was only one thing Leighton said that gave me pause and that's that Canada has no secrecy in adoption. Perhaps she meant in new or recent adoption and/or sperm and egg donation because there certainly is still secrecy and closed records in adoption here. I know this because mine are.

Lastly, I explored and enjoyed this link recommended by Greenspan and want to share it. The DNA Testing Guide .

Oh, and personally, I would use DNA to carefully ascertain who my biological father is. At this point, I am well prepared for anything I might find out. Well, except maybe for how much the DNA testing would end up costing.

Yeah, not my type

2012-01-14T07:44:00.000-08:00

You know the type.

The type who is the perpetual victim, the type who is never responsible for anything because they are a victim. Oh sure, now and then they'll say they know they're imperfect, that they know they can be a bitch or an asshole, but they aren't truly sorry. They believe, being a victim, they're entitled to behave in any old way they feel like behaving. Something bad happened to me once, now you must all forever walk on eggshells around me. You must agree with everything I say. You must acknowledge my pain daily, cheer me when I lash out.

The type who tries to zero in on their perceived enemies' vulnerabilities, tries to manipulate and shame. Hit 'em where it hurts, or at least try. This type tries to get others to jump on the bandwagon by reminding them that they too are victims, that it's a shared enemy, that if you want to love me, you must hate and be hateful to those that I hate. You must never think for yourself, you must worship at the altar of my victimhood or be cast out of my circle.

This type never sincerely apologizes. How could they? They never think they've done anything to apologize for and if they have done something unkind or uncalled for, they are to be excused because they are victims and have it worse than everyone else. Life is hardest for them. Your feelings, needs, and experiences are unimportant to this type, even the needs of their own children can come second. Oh yes, I've witnessed this with my own eyes. One of the saddest things I've ever seen.

I'm sorry for everyone who has to regularly deal with this type. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, no mistake you've made will ever be forgiven. This type isn't capable of true generosity or compassion, capable of being genuine or grateful. My advice is to work hard against allowing them to poison your life, make you sick. To resist being drawn in by their taunts, their challenges, their attempts to control you, to make you feel badly about yourself and sorry for them.

I wish you the strength to stand up to them when necessary. The strength to say no way, you're wrong and I am not going to let you get away with, or encourage, your damaging, childish, self-absorbed behavior.

If you must cut them loose, do it, and don't let them make you feel bad for doing so. Too little too late and unless they completely own and are sorry for their actions, don't look back because he or she will be right there, planning their attack, figuring out how to draw you back in, trying to make you forget they are a teflon coated victim, make you think that they're just your type.

The holiday is over

2012-01-09T05:05:00.000-08:00

The last day of a vacation is a weird one.

It's bittersweet, the fantasy is coming to an end, which is sad, but going home is always great. I miss my son. With the roaming fees for cell phones and shaky Internet connections I've had very little communication. It's only been two weeks but that's just me. I enjoy talking with him, getting a hug, having a laugh.

I had a cool moment yesterday. There's been more than that over the trip but this one is standing out in my mind. I had just gotten my daily, much loved, self-served mimosa to my table and promptly knocked it over, smashing the delicate glass it's served in. Sigh, orange juice and glass everywhere. The break was actually quite dainty sounding (not everyone in the restaurant stood up to gawk) but still, I was mortified at the mess I'd made. The woman who was to be our server started busying herself cleaning up the damage as I sincerely apologized (once or seven times), feeling genuinely terrible for causing her so much trouble.

The cool moment was when she touched my arm, looked me directly in the eye and said, in broken English, something like, "it's ok, ok?", with pure sincerity and kindness. As I nodded she gracefully moved to the next table, quickly prepping it for service, and gestured for my husband and I to come to that table. We gratefully moved over and sat down, my husband giving me the old, "there, there, it wasn't so bad my little klutz" as I pondered the possibility of this being an omen for the day ahead. "Are you going to go get another mimosa?", my husband asks. "Are you kidding? Not a freakin' chance", I respond.

We had just settled down and begun eating when there, magically, a brand new, delicious mimosa appeared in front of me, prepared and delivered by the sweetest server I have ever been fortunate to have had.

I will likely remember this woman forever. It's amazing how far-reaching a simple act of kindness can be.

Cheers to servers!

What a beautiful morning

2011-12-24T06:24:00.000-08:00

Just finishing up my wrapping, yes, I still make Christmas stockings for my son, husband and mother. We cheated a little this year on our stockings, my husband and I, and were together while picking out the required toiletry items. I'm ashamed to admit hubby will have no surprises in his stocking this year even though I have a feeling he'll manage to slip a few into mine. Oh well, it's just one of the years when I didn't get anyone a really special, blow 'em away type gift. Sometimes Christmas gifts just go like that, and that's ok.

For me this Christmas will be about being with people I care about, really enjoying each and every one of them. I am very happy with what we're doing tonight and tomorrow and also have an invitation somewhere special on boxing day. After that, my husband and I are taking a vacation, a vacation that will have me by the ocean, one of my favorite places to be. The only thing that could make the trip better would be if my son could join us for part of it but that's just not to be this time.

As I sit here looking at my tree and decorations in the quiet of the morning I think of everyone I care about, those that care about me. I look forward to the visit I will have today with my son. I look forward to the good food and hearty laughs I'll be enjoying over the next few days, and the slow building excitement of taking a trip.

Life is precious and fleeting and I know I'm fortunate to know that. Fortunate to know how important it is to take a bit of time to stop and appreciate the beauty of a poinsettia, the beauty in family and friends, the beauty in life.

Seasons greetings to all and the very best in 2012.

They loved me, they loved me not. How much does it really matter?

2011-12-04T07:17:00.000-08:00

I think it's safe to say that every adopted person will wonder why they're adopted. They may not search for their biological people, they may not try and dig up info, they may not ask questions or obviously wonder, they may only wonder a few times in their lifetime, but it will happen to us all at least once, I think.

I've read tons on the evils of telling a child they were given up out of love. That saying, "your parent(s) loved you so much, they gave you away!" causes lifelong emotional, relationship and abandonment issues. I see how it could, especially said the way I've just written it. They say the child will think, "oh no, if someone loves me it must mean they'll give me away or leave me". I can see how people make the connection, but I know it doesn't have to be that way.

I happen to believe adoption can be an act of love. I believe a mother and/or a father can choose to give their child up for adoption because they care and want something different for their child than they themselves can provide. I also believe an adopted person can understand this if they choose to.

I grew up thinking my bio mom gave me up because she loved me. It didn't affect me adversely when it came to other relationships, my mind didn't make the leap. As strange as it may sound to some, I just never took my adoption personally, never thought that it was something that I did wrong or was responsible for. Never thought that because I was put up for adoption that everyone else in my life would leave me or let me down. Never thought I was less valuable as a human being because of my adoptedness (although as a young teen I did think I was less valuable as a human because I had acne). I've since found out that my bio mom didn't give me up out of love, out of care for me personally, and I still believe there are parents who do it out of love or care, they just don't happen to be my parents (lol). Which is fine, ultimately it doesn't really make any difference if we were given up out of love and care, or given up because of religious values, or given up because it was too late to have an abortion or the bio parent(s) don't believe in abortion, or whatever other multitude of reasons people may have for freely choosing adoption.

My life value, my value as a human being, as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a wife and lover is not tied to my birth and circumstance of it. My value as a person is no longer tied to my parents, any of the four of them, because although my value and worth as a human being was never tied to my bio parents, it certainly was at times tied to my adoptive parents. It no longer is and hasn't been for quite a long time. Oh sure, there's the occasional tinge of "my mommy doesn't love me the way I think she should" (thats amommy for those who wouldn't know) but it's fleeting and is tossed away as quickly as it appears. A waste of energy and emotion that I could be using elsewhere, devoting to an issue or person worthy of it.

My value is not tied to any of my parents. My value is tied to me. My value is in how I live my life and how I care for and treat others. My value is in being honest. In being kind when I should and being strong when I must. My value is in knowing that it's most important I'm likable, good and true to those who truly love and care about me instead of those who are, well, assholes.

You know, you can run around for a long time trying to get an asshole to like you, to treat you well, to show you some respect, to get them to believe in, and allow you to be, your real self, but most times in the end, the person is still an asshole and you've just wasted a ton of energy that you could have used elsewhere.

And please, don't tell me this is an adoptee trait. I know plenty of real kids who run around trying to get assholes to like them. It's a human trait and may have nothing whatsoever to do with the fact your bio parents chose adoption because they cared about you.

Growing up thinking I was given up for adoption out of love and care didn't negatively affect me, perhaps it even positively affected me, who's to know for sure? I know I don't and neither can you. I do know that it's important all kids feel wanted, loved, accepted, and cared about by somebody. It can go a very long way in helping them cope and come to terms with the less than perfect existances we all experience.

Does Being Adopted Really Make One An Expert On All Things Adoption?

2011-11-27T12:40:00.000-08:00

Been reading around blogs this morning and found much that nauseated me. Thankfully I found a few gems as well. I decided to pinch one anonymous comment I found especially interesting and share it here with you.

Nobody can be an expert on the background to every single adoption program in the world unless that's what you do all day and get paid for it. I also disagree that there's plenty of information for people to take away from the blogs; there's a lot of bickering and name calling, but little useful info. Better to do your own research and try to find out why children are institutionalized in the country where you adopted from/plan to adopt from and what you can do to enable family preservation in that country. Every adoptive parent(has)an obligation to do this IMO. But if you adopted from Eastern Europe, don't try to be an expert on China (the roots of child institutionalization in EE will keep you occupied for months or years) and don't pretend that you're an expert on all intercountry adoptees or adoption just because you were adopted in Wisconsin in 1966. There are a handful of dedicated people doing the legwork to rid the system of corruption in different regions. Find those people and those lists (mostly closed), find the research that explains WHY children and families are separated, and support the foundations that do the work, including driving some trial programs with group homes and fostering—even in places where foster parenting is not the norm. EveryChild is an example of one that does this in EE, since a couple of people mentioned that example.

You can find a link to their report here:
http://p-ced.com/reference/Family_Matters_summary.pdf

They view intercountry adoption as a very last resort but have nothing good to say about institutionalization. As usual, reality isn't on one side or the other.

Who is speaking doesn’t matter when what’s spoken is truth.

2011-11-21T07:04:00.000-08:00

Like many of you I've been reading through some of the interviews at Adoption Bloggers Interview Project . I had considered getting involved myself but found I didn't really have the time to dedicate to do a good job....plus, to be honest, I was kinda chicken.

I was looking forward to reading one interview that was of special interest to me, not only because it's with a rare father blogger but also because I always enjoy reading what this particular writer has to say.

I wasn't disappointed.

I've asked the writer for permission to highlight some of what he had to say in his interview and you can find it in it's entirety here .

Here's some of what "I am" at Statistically Impossible has to say in his interview.

There’s an annoying concept, particularly strong in adoption circles, that a child is somehow more the mother’s than the father’s. The ability to be geographically removed from the location of the child during gestation doesn’t change the relationship of a child to his/her father. The father is the father. He may be a horrendous jerk, but his child is still his child without regard to his ethical quality.

Social taboo tells us asking others to raise our children effectively makes us defective humans. People who take in children that are not of their own lineage are compassionate heroes. So giving a child to another for adoption is abhorrent, but the act of adopting is a beautiful miracle. These contrary attitudes need to be addressed and changed.

What first fathers need to be able to engage in an adoption is the knowledge that they can engage, fully, and as they wish. Understanding why it is so common for first fathers to leave adoptions is as easy as searching google. Hop over and search for “birth father resources”. Of the few links that have anything to do with birth fathers at all, one is an out of date activist site specific to the state of California. Birthfather.com looks like a great organization, until one recognizes that it is a single page that’s a part of the Adoption.com pages. The article, though well written, is in fact written by a woman. I’m glad to have women’s perspective on the subject of adoption, but we are well out of balance. Susan Wadia-Ellis wrote, in her introduction to The Adoption Reader (1995): "Adoption, like motherhood, has always been a woman’s issue. It is women who give birth, and women who have had their birth children taken from them because of cultural, political or economic forces; and it is women who sometimes feel they must relinquish their birth child in order to protect that child"[p.ix].

Why aren’t more birth fathers involved? Does one sit at a table where no chair is available? What I believe will help open the door for more birth fathers to engage is recognition. It is important to realize that the emotional processes men undergo in adoption are largely the same as women! Men, too, are placing their child in the care of others. It may be a shock for some to hear that men have emotions. We love our children every bit as much as their mother’s do.

You either knew or should have known

2011-11-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

In January 1999, an unidentified hockey player, who also played on the Swift Current Broncos under Graham James, filed a $650,000 lawsuit against 24 individuals and organizations who allegedly knew, or should have known, that James sexually assaulted some of his players, including him. Among the groups sued were the Western Hockey League and its parent group, the Canadian Hockey League, as well as the Swift Current Broncos and the Sasketchewan Amateur Hockey Association. (Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 1/17/99)

Did ya get that? 24 individuals and organizations who allegedly knew or should have known.

It's tough for me not to think about Graham James and his abuse of young hockey players entrusted to him with the Sandusky investigation that's going on. I googled James recently and found this in a Canadian newspaper.

Charges against former junior hockey coach and convicted sex offender Graham James have been remanded to Dec. 1. Last month, it was suggested dates would be set for the case to proceed but that hasn't happened. Instead, court has been told the defence and Crown are continuing their discussions. James has been out on bail for almost a year and living in Montreal after his arrest on new sex assault charges involving young hockey players he once coached as juniors, including former Calgary Flames forward Theo Fleury.
Fleury went on to become a star in the National Hockey League and wrote about the alleged abuse in his book. He then made a complaint to police, which prompted the second investigation after James had served almost two years in jail for assaulting other young hockey players, including former NHLer Sheldon Kennedy.

I was just a kid when I knew Graham James and I knew there was something bad about him. Of course, I was safe as his molestation preference was boys. In fact, I clearly remember the disdain he had for me, his attempts to keep the likes of me out of the picture, to be alone with and everything to his players.

If I knew there was something wrong as a young girl, surely the adults knew. So disappointing, so dangerous, the reverence and blind trust given to sports figures, at all costs, at any cost. The same thing happened in the Sandusky case(s). Why?

Accountability cannot be placed on the young victims. What are they supposed to do? Think about it. This comment made by Sheldon Kennedy was very striking to me.

"'You do not have a clue what to do," Kennedy said. "You tell your mom and she makes you come home. You tell your friends and they will just portray you as a gay guy. It is just a very scary thing.'" (Detroit News, 1/7/97)

It's true, you know. There will always be those around who are less vulnerable, those friends who would never quite understand. Those kids who can somehow just say no, or who aren't even approached. Maybe they have supportive, strong families who have provided a solid start, given them a sense of security, self-esteem. Maybe they just have this natural ability to be strong willed, or just come across as confident. In any case these kids will not be preyed upon, may not even be able to understand how their victimized peers can consider themselves victims.

Nobody held a gun to their head, right? Right, just brought one into the room.

Sheldon Kennedy says of the Sandusky investigation, “I don’t see this as a failure at all — I think if anything this is a success,” said the former NHLer who has dedicated his life to abuse prevention and education. We've got all these victims coming forward against one of the most powerful organizations in that state. To me, that’s what we want — we want people to disclose, step forward and make sure this sort of stuff isn’t institutionalized.”. http://slam.canoe.ca/Slam/Football/NCAA/2011/11/10/18948771.html

If you're a victim of this kind of abuse, I hope you can find a way to tell someone. It's not your fault.

If you are suspicious or aware that someone in power is abusing children, do something about it and stay on it until there has been a stop put to the abuse.

Adoptee encounter

2011-11-04T05:02:00.000-07:00

I had a live and in colour fellow adoptee encounter the other day.

I'm sure it happens more often than we know but contrary to what one might think reading about adoption online, it's not easy to detect someone is adopted unless they tell you. Our murderous tendencies and festering primal wounds are nearly impossible to detect in the everyday exchanges that occur on an average day between human beings.

This particular person's adoptive status was revealed in a rather interesting (to me) exchange. I only know this lovely lady through the service she provides, a very common service most everyone utilizes from time to time.

So how it went down was as she and I were talking one of her co-workers interrupted to ask her if she was going to do something or other once she was done with her sister....referring to me! Now although I was flattered to hear the co-worker thought that I looked like my service provider, as I said she is quite lovely, inside and out, we of course both immediately said, "we're not sisters!".

And then, she said it, said those words I've often said myself, "but then you never know, we could be related. I'm adopted".

And then it went something like this.....

"Ohh....so am I!"

"What? Really?! Are you serious?"

"I'm serious, I'm adopted too"

"Have you met your birthmother?"

"Uh, yeah actually, I have".

My service provider then went on to ask her name to which I had to answer sorry, I don't say her name. I'm a secret, nobody knows about me.

SP (service provider) went on to ask me a few more questions, I asked her a few, and then she quickly said her bio mom's name. Nope, I say, not the same woman, which is as I suspected. I was pretty certain if SP and I were related it wouldn't be as sisters although that seriously would have been cool with me. Although I already have the best sister, it wouldn't hurt to have another who lives so close by, excels at the particular services she provides, and is, as it turns out, an amazing woman who rose above the crap dealt to her by all of her parents.

See, SP was adopted by a family that already had a few boys who were biological to the adoptive parents. The a-mom wanted to adopt, the a-dad did not, a circumstance that I think is pretty common. Anyway, a-dad gives in, a-mom adopts SP, and then turns around and ditches all of her kids when SP was 5 years old. Just....takes off. I'm outta here. See ya suckers.

!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot wrap my head around that. Who could do such a thing?

To make SP's story even worse, a-dad never ever comes around. She spent her entire childhood in a home where she was unwanted, not even finding a connection with any of her brothers. She is no longer in contact with anyone in her adoptive family.

Knowing all of this it should come as no surprise that SP searched for her 'real' mother, maybe more accurately put would be to say she searched for 'any' mother. Whatever the case, she found her, and found another piece of work.

I won't share all the details. Suffice to say that the woman she found is no mother, except for biologically. SP has nothing to do with her now and it's not surprising given what the bio mom acted like. I'm still blown away by the way she treated SP, not the least of which was intentionally lying five different times about who SP's father is.

I kid you not. 5 times!! We're talking, "so-and-so is your father". SP calls the dude up. The guy has no clue what SP is talking about. SP calls up bio mom and tells her what the guy said. Bio mom says yeah, I know, I lied. 5 freaking times people!!

Yup. Blown. Away.

Sad story, right? It struck me, that's for sure. I feel terrible things went that way for SP and I told her so. Thing is, she doesn't feel bad for herself. She said she had her days of being pissed off, and she's done with them. Her two daughters are her family now.

One of them was with her at work. It happened to be bring your kid to work day. Her daughter is lovely and it's simple to tell that SP has broken the cycle. A mom who never had a mom or dad stepping up and being a better parent than many of those who had the ideal intact family.

Damn I am in awe of that. People who make it, against all odds, in spite of crap parents.

I've thought a lot about SP since our discovery. I've been wondering what she does on holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. I wonder if her daughters have people they think of as aunts or uncles, people they think of as grandparents.

Perhaps I can offer to adopt SP and her girls, invite them to be a part of my family.

That's what adoption is supposed to be, right? Providing family for those who don't have one.

If so, SP certainly qualifies.

Oh yeah. One last thing. SP was adamant about wishing she'd known not to expect much when she searched for her bio mom, wishes she'd been better prepared for the outcome she actually experienced. It would have made things that much easier, much less of a disappointment.

The lesson here? Keep it real people. We don't do each other any favors when we spread false information about all or most adoptees and parents. One can never know what prize they'll find in the bottom of the box.

It could very well be a toy they already have.

And that's the truth

2011-10-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

This morning I read a post where a non-adopted blogger discusses adoptee obituaries, how not including in the obituary the fact that the subject of it is adopted renders the obituary an untrue story. "Case closed".

The blogger goes on to say that by not including adoption in the obituary it relegates the adoptee's biological mothers to "uteri passing by". Seems to me if this is a concern for a mother it's a problem easily solved. Include the child you gave up for adoption in your own obituary.

I've decided to write about this here for two reasons, one being I have quite a bit to say and the second is that the blogger asked adoptees to allow birth/first/natural mothers their own emotions and feelings on her blog. Fair enough.

See, what the blogger seems unable to grasp is that for some of us adoptees our adoptive parents are in fact our parents. True story.

The lack of adoptive status in my obituary won't be an attempt to feel "more" a part of my family. I couldn't possibly feel any more a part of my family than I already do.

If I were to drop dead tomorrow and my obituary read that I am predeceased by my brother and father, survived by my mother and sister, son and husband, it wouldn't be a "fairy tale version with white-washed facts". That's what these people are. My parents, my family.

Why would I in death start to preface what they are to me with the word "adoptive" when I never did in life? Not only would it not be something I'd have to "request" be left out, it wouldn't even occur to anyone to put it in my obituary.

I agree that the dead often give up the best clues in searching, in fact I've taken advantage of the dead in that way myself and the word adoption wasn't mentioned in any of the obits I've found helpful. If after I'm dead someone searching or doing genealogy is interested in knowing if I'm adopted, they are more than welcome to ask my family and friends. My being adopted is not a secret to any of them.

Not mentioning being adopted in my obituary will not obliterate the reality that I am, and it doesnt say that being adopted didnt make a difference in my life. What bigger difference could there be than having an entirely different group of people than I am biologically related to named as family in my obit?

My not saying I am adopted in my obituary has absolutely nothing to do with original birth certificates nor does it feed into an idea of "sacrosanct right" of "privacy" and "anonymity" for mothers from the children they gave up for adoption.

I can understand adopted people who want to address their adoptedness or biological family members in their obituaries. I can think of numerous scenarios where it would make sense and the blogger's I've referenced scenario is just one of them. If my sister asked me to be sure her bio family was mentioned in her obit, I would do everything in my power to ensure it happened.

The truth for me though is that my parents are my parents and my brother and sister are my siblings. In my obituary, there will be no need for the word "adoptive", just as there is no need for it in life.

If your son or daughter is adopted and you tragically outlive him or her, don't just "say so" in their obituary, as the blogger referenced here suggests.

If it's not something you've talked about, go with your gut. If its not been your practise to refer to your child or yourself as adoptive, why would you start now?

If it's something you've talked about and you know your son or daughter wants their adoption addressed in their obituary, do all you can to make it happen.

Perhaps it's one of those things that people should talk about with their loved ones, especially if one feels strongly either way.

Personally, I am strongly against using the word adoptive when describing familial relationships or connections....unless it's necessary in order to differentiate or is what the adopted person wants.

Awww...what a cute baby!

2011-10-21T06:08:00.000-07:00

In yapping with my son yesterday I was reminded of something I've wanted to write more about.

I can't remember exactly what we were talking about but he said, "yeah, that's back when grandma used to love me". Now, to keep this in perspective, it was said lightly in a joking manner. We weren't having a serious conversation and my son, who is 21, wasn't upset and feeling unloved.

Even still, him saying it in that moment kind of took me aback. I answered him, saying, "you mean that's back when you didn't have a mind of your own and blindly adored your grandma, worshipping the ground she walked upon. Grandma still loves you tons, she doesn't like you having a mind of your own".

Watching my mom with my son as he grew, watching her with cousin's children and my brother's daughters helped me see what happened with my mom and I as I grew up. I came to realize my mom is one of those women who LOVES babies, is actually fantastic with them, but finds they lose their charm as they grow up into little humans with minds of their own. My mom is the type of woman who pines for the days when the kids were little and wishes time could stand still when it comes to babies. Just the type who could love any baby, even babies that aren't biologically hers.

I think if I were to say what I'm about to say now, my mom would say it isn't true, but I feel so certain many years back she told me a little something from the days her and my dad were attempting to adopt their second child, me.

I'm sure she told me that the woman interviewing my parents almost didn't allow her to adopt again because, if you can imagine, the woman felt as if my mom wanted a baby exactly like the first one she'd adopted. I remember having a wow moment when she told me, not receiving the moral of the story quite the way my mom had intended. My mom's intent was to suggest "can you believe some crazy woman thinking such a thing of me? We almost didn't get you because of her!" whereas I had a light bulb moment because there was a time (sorry sis if you're reading) that I suffered through countless comparisons to my old sister, countless times I stomped my feet and refused to bow at the altar of the reluctant golden child. Eventually my older sister also got too big for her britches and she too pissed my mom off (although not sure ever as bad or as much as I did) and I know I had my turns as golden child but never again like the days as a baby and toddler, where carrying the ketchup to the table or drying a dish is a treat, doing a chore for mom is an honour and a privilege.

Some women really only like babies, are not ideal parent-for-life material. Hey, to be fair, there are some women who aren't fond of babies but blossom into pretty cool moms as the kids grow up. Not to say these people can't do a perfectly acceptable job parenting but the whole thing works a whole lot better if moms can enjoy every age, embrace the entire parenting experience. If we can't, we should at least be honest with ourselves about it so we can better compensate for our shortcomings as parents.

Yes, believe it or not, we moms do have them.

Some people's mothers

2011-10-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

I can now see how an adopted person could get so fed up dealing with their biological parent that they would say screw it and just go ahead and contact other family members. I'm not saying they should, and I haven't and likely never (never say never) will, but I can now see how it all could evolve.

This October marks a year since I met my biological mother. This January will mark 2 years since our initial contact via email. At the moment I am going on week number, ohhh let's see, maybe 4 or 5, and unanswered email number 3. Email number 1 was a pretty nice mail (I solicited opinions) in which I asked point blank who my biological father is. I haven't heard squat since. No "eff off and die", no "sorry Campbell, I will not tell you", no "I need more time", not a damn word.

I realize something could be wrong with her, she may have no Internet access, she could even be dead for all I know but it's not likely since I haven't seen an obituary yet in my daily searches. Also, based on the past 2 experiences where I worried something may be wrong and it turned out all was well, she'd just not bothered to mail back, it's more likely that she's just ignoring me again. If I'm wrong and she's ill or dead, I will not feel the slightest bit of guilt for being ticked off and that's her doing, not mine.

I have done all I possibly can to prove my dedication to protecting her privacy. She has no legitimate reason to fear I will betray her if she gives me the information I'm entitled to, which is knowing who my biological father is.

I write this post not to solicit my reader's pity but rather to inform those thinking of searching. To tell those who've gone against their mother's wishes and contacted family members that I can see how it can happen. To let in the closet mothers know how frustrating it can be from the adopted person's side of it all. How disrespectful it feels to be ignored when you've taken great care with your mother or father's feelings and circumstance.

How tempting it is to just say screw this.

Why should I continue to care how you feel when how I feel is apparently meaningless to you?

Your mother wears army boots

2011-10-05T05:24:00.000-07:00

Campbell's soup, makes you poop
Down your leg and in your boot,
On the floor, out the door,
Now we're ready for some more!

We gooooooooo to pizza place
To get the flavor...of
Campbell's face

I was (unpleasantly) reminded of childish, elementary school taunts and name calling this morning. These were a couple of mine. Although they mean nothing to me now and haven't for years, it was interesting to have a fleeting moment where I was reminded of what it felt like to be in grade school.

What childhood taunts and name calling did you have to endure?

Thinking outside our own little postage stamps of experience

2011-09-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

I have been drawn to the thread I'm linking to on this post on and off over the past month or so. It's a fascinating contrast to posts about auto-mommies and their auto-love, how blood conquers all.

I imagine the OP didn't expect to generate so many comments from those who can relate. Or maybe she did. I am not surprised by the huge response. I've seen a few moms IRL over the years who likely/maybe love their kids but clearly do/did not enjoy being a mother. If I noticed, you can bet their kids notice too.

Now, my intent in this post isn't to say all these kids should be, or should have been, adopted. My intent is to try and bring awareness to those who believe in auto-mommy magic. To do my part in encouraging women who don't want kids to not feel pressured to have them. To maybe help a woman who is feeling inferior as a mother to realize she is not a freak, that there are others who aren't feeling the mommy thing, or worse.

I worry about mothers, biological or not, being set up for failure.

It's ok to not want kids and I applaud those who don't go ahead and have them anyway. If you figure out you didn't want kids after the fact, don't have more. If you love your kids but are struggling or are struggling with the fact you feel you may not, I wish there was more understanding and support.

I wish the myths and fairy tales about women and motherhood would become extinct.

http://www.secret-confessions.com/hate/hate-being-a-mom

Honesty is such a lonely word

2011-09-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

I just read a blog post about a mother telling an adoptee acquaintance how it was for her when she gave her child up for adoption. This particular mother's experience sounds horrible and she seems to be the kind of woman who wants a mother/child type relationship after reuniting with her adopted, now adult, child.

I've come away thinking about that adoptee and how he may be processing the info imparted to him. I came away wondering if this mother also spoke of the mothers who were not coerced or drugged, the mothers who didn't want their baby, the mothers who have no desire to know or have a parent/child relationship with their adopted out, now adult kids. The mothers who put it all behind them and went on with their lives.

This particular adoptee has to date not searched. He will be affected by this new knowledge, in what manner is anyone's guess, but it will have an effect. If the mother who shared her experience only shared her own and made no mention of the various other scenarios that exist, I think she may have done this adoptee a disservice.

Ever since I've started blogging my way of talking about being adopted has changed. I still talk about it, about myself, but I also talk about all the other people I've learned about. If I share how I feel about something, something like the Primal Wound theory or open records or access to OBC's, I will always add that not everyone feels the way I do. If I talk about my family and how my adoption worked out, I make sure and add that that's not the case for everyone, that it's literally a crap shoot. Some adoptees end up with horrible families, adoption isn't a guarantee that we won't be like everyone else.

I think as adoptees we have a responsibility to be honest and open about what we know if we decide to talk about our experience. I think parents have that same responsibility.

I think we set each other up for failure when we withhold information.

Concrete proof

2011-08-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

On my post previous to this one, I was asked to further explain what I meant when I said, "Maybe, just maybe, part of the key to all of this is to have concrete proof that we're important to our biological families before investing emotionally in them, before handing them our hearts."

I guess I'm saying that adoptees who are reuniting and having relationships after years of no or minimal contact should protect themselves from disappointment or pain by assessing their biological/first/natural parents' and siblings' attitudes, perceptions, interest, toward the adoption and the adoptee his or herself before investing (further) in them emotionally. I would think this would also apply in reverse, to parents who have searched and found adopted out adult children.

Having said that, I realize for some adopted people connection and feelings of love aren't things they feel they have control over, so perhaps for them it would be wisest to not get their hopes up too high for finding a familial connection? To be prepared to not have feelings of love or importance reciprocated.

I was also asked what I would call concrete proof that I am important to my bio family.

Well...in my case, likely the biggest thing would be for my bio mom to tell her family about me. That would say a ton about my importance.

Other things would be asking for photos, interest in meeting my son, quick emails or phone calls when she is busy saying that she's busy without me having to ask if everything is ok.

Oops, almost forgot the other biggie. I think it would be concrete proof that I am important to my biological mother if she told me who my biological father is.

Adopted people reading here, what would be concrete proof to you that you're important to your biological/first/birth parents or family? As always, anonymous comments are welcome.

Relationships with biological family

2011-08-17T05:32:00.000-07:00

I've found myself in a strange reunion-relationship with my biological mother. I guess my new terminology for what I'm in is really the relationship, as I've recently been reading a series of really good posts on another blog where the blogger pointed out the reunion is the initial contact or physical meeting and everything thereafter is the relationship. Makes sense to me, my reunion (a word I was never really comfortable with since to me reuniting happens with people who knew each other) has passed and now I am navigating a relationship.

When I say this relationship is strange, I'm not talking about the obvious reasons, I'm talking about being in it yet at the same time observing it, comparing it, reacting to situations within it as not only myself but also as someone who reads about other people's reunions and relationships. I feel like I'm incorporating my life experience and philosophies as well as my observations of how other people describe their relationships with biological family. I look at things two ways, the first being my natural instincts and reactions and the second way is wondering what other people would think about things my biological mother says or does or doesn't do and how they might react or feel.

I wonder at times how different it would be had I not stumbled into the online adoption discussion. Ok, I realize discussion is a far too positive word to use to describe what actually takes place but since that's what I wish it was, we can pretend. And, if you sort through the bullshit and mean girl antics, there is some helpful info to be found, even if much of it is to learn about what not to do, how not to treat people, what not to expect.

I also think about how differently the 48 year old me is reacting in the relationship than the 38, 28, 18 year old me would have. I'm a mother myself of an adult now as well as an adult child to my mother. I've had romantic and platonic relationships, workplace relationships, familial relationships, many many sports team relationships, and have maneuvered my way through a divorced relationship. I've volunteered on a teen helpline, experienced sudden deaths of two very close faily members, and have been the wife and stepmother figure in a blended family for 8 years now. All of this plays a factor in how I look at and conduct myself in relationships I'm currently in, including the one with my biological mother.

I've just experienced a replay of these posts campbellscoup.blogspot.com/2011/06/husha-husha-we-all-fall-down.html without the phone call. It's once again turned out ok, nobody is dead, and the latest email reply from bio mom is very normal, well, normal to me. As I read it this morning I couldn't help but think about how certain things she'd said would have been hurtful to some other adopted people, right or wrong. They would have come away feeling less important than the kept kids, now adults. They would have come away feeling less important than aunts and uncles, friends and associates of their biological mother. In fact, the whole experience would have left them feeling not important at all and if they had, rightly or wrongly, built themselves up to be an important part of their biological mother's life, I can empathize with how hurt they'd feel.

Maybe, just maybe, part of the key to all of this is to have concrete proof that we're important to our biological families before investing emotionally in them, before handing them our hearts.

Deal With It

2011-08-07T10:45:00.000-07:00

What are you doing? Don't you see your actions betray your claims of love? How can you love yet not defend? Why is the joy not a good thing? Why aren't you happy for those who are happy, the ones you claim to love? Why isn't there a sense of relief in simply knowing? There would be if you truly cared in the first place. Can you not see how your behaviour makes it seem like it's all about you?

I'd rather know the truth. My truth may be easier, knowing my adoption was wanted. I don't know how I'd feel if it were the opposite but I know I'd be angry at being made to feel guilty for being ok. If it's really about your long lost child, them being ok would be a good thing. Be honest, it's the pain of being left behind. The pain of knowing it didn't have to be you as mom for things to work out.

What is so wrong with being happy to be alive? To be grateful the roll of the dice came up a winner? A roll of the dice that was thrown on an innocent child's behalf.

Why can't you see how hurtful it could be to dismiss another's reality? To make it about you, to be closed-minded, to stubbornly stick to a script when there isn't one.

You can have your pain and loss. It's obvious, it makes sense. Why must you be blinded by it? Conjure up evil where there is none, exaggerate and make false comparisons. Aren't the real issues enough? Aren't the actual injustices horrific enough for you?

Listen, and learn. Respect and admire. Speak for yourself and allow others to do the same.

There are babies and children who are unwanted. They deserve families. They deserve to have a chance. Be honest with yourself so you can be honest with others.

Why must you set people up for failure? Mislead, misinform. Do you not realize in doing so you grant people the freedom to blame the innocent? To point fingers at their child instead of themselves? Do you realize you're setting other up people's unkept children for disappointment by saying their mothers think daily about them and would give anything to know them? That mothers who reject their adult children are a rarity? That unkept children are the same as the kept children? It's not true for everyone.

You're perpetuating what you claim to be against, the marginalization of unwanted children. It obviously wasn't enough that you wanted your child, if you did. Too many others in your life did not, for whatever reason.

And so your now adult child is fine. You won't believe it though. If they love their parents, this is a bad thing for you. You secretly feel good if they had bad parents. If they say that they had good parents, they are not to be believed. They must be afraid to say otherwise. If they had bad parents and still don't like you, again it's everyone else's fault. It couldn't possibly be you and the things you say and do.

How disappointing it must be to not like the adult your child became, but really, not all that uncommon. You're no different than your children's parents whom you detest. In fact, you may even be worse. It's comical how you blame each other, each using the other as an excuse for the disappointment you feel in this adult you all claim to love but who will never measure up, will never fill the void you are unable to fill yourself. Our kids don't exist to build us up, make us whole, kiss our boo-boos. It's supposed to be the other way around.

Biology doesn't matter, unless you are disappointed in the kid you got. Nurture doesn't matter, unless you are disappointed in the kid you created.

You want to support adoptee rights? How about also supporting the right to be ok? The right to be whatever we are, as children and adults. Honour the experience without using it as an excuse to label, to dismiss, to predict, to assume. To insult.

Is your adult child that you didn't raise not good enough for you? Maybe you should look at yourself. Maybe you should look at those who have managed to develop relationships and instead of envying them and dismissing them, learn from them.

My deepest sympathies to all adoptees who search and find nasty, bitter, biological parents who are not happy for you if you made it through ok. My deepest sympathies to all adoptees who got stuck with crappy adoptive parents who aren't happy for you if you searched and found decent, good, biological parents. My deepest sympathies to all parents, biological or adoptive, who have narcissistic, self-absorbed, bitchy adult kids who take advantage and refuse to see how fortunate they are.

Although it angers you to your core that I say it, many of us adoptees are ok.

Deal with it.

Don't forget to remember

2011-08-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

I watch some weird tv. The names of shows I watch will be withheld to protect the innocent, namely me. It's funny how there is stigma attached to what a person watches on television, how we tend to look down on each other for what our tastes in entertainment are. I'm as guilty as the next person although I certainly don't have any right to be considering some of the trash I watch. See? I'm judging myself!

Yesterday I was half watching a program discussing kids being mean and part way through my son and his fiancé arrived and sat down with me. I explained what the show was about and added my two cents on an aspect I thought was being missed in talking to the children who thought it was cool to be mean and it's why they were popular. It was my thought someone should be telling this kid that the other kids aren't friends with her because they like her, they're friends with her because they're afraid not to be.

The show fell by the wayside as my son and I began to talk about kids and parenting. We talked about how his desire to be friends with the class asshole(s) was thankfully short lived, that I'd taught him he need never be so pathetic as to need "friends" so badly that he'd put up with anything just to hang with the cool kids. Of course this is much easier when you have a home where you're loved and feel safe, a place to forget for a few hours the evil deeds of school peers. Yes, he did suffer through this age of constant contact with social media but I was savvy and aware and monitored his online behavior as well as that of his "friends".

As we talked, a child of six years was discussed on the now ignored program, a gorgeous little kid who doesn't listen at all to her mom. Time outs, spankings, yelling etc. be damned, this kid was having none of any of it. As we semi watch, my son (half)jokingly asks his fiancé and myself if it would be so wrong to just tie a kid like that to a chair to which we responded with a resounding YES it would be wrong, which led to talking about what I did with my son when he was little.

I was never a mom who went to someone's house and asked them to childproof their home. It was my job to watch my son, to tell him "no" and remove him from whatever had caught his eye. I remember being at my mother-in-law's and feeling exasperated, feeling like I'd be doing this for the rest of my life. I'll never forget her supporting me and encouraging me to stick with it, that it would pay off eventually, and it did.

I asked my son if he remembered my taking his doorknob out of his bedroom door. He didn't remember and asked how that wasn't like tying a kid to a chair. I explained that it was a consequence he knew would happen if he came out of his room for the seventh time and that there was a big difference between free reign of a bedroom and physical restraint. I've never believed in forced sleep because I remember how I hated that as a kid, laying in bed wide awake for hours. I did have 'bedtimes' for my son but what that meant was him in his room with a book or listening to a bedtime tape with the only expectation being that he stay in his room and sleep when he was actually ready to. When he was very small but first in a real bed, he, like most kids, would continue to come out for this reason or that. I would get the first glass of water, chase away two or three boogeymen, enjoy two or three more hugs and kisses and then I'd lay down the law. "This is the last time you are allowed to come out dear. If you come out one more time, I will take the doorknob so you can't." Of course he had to test it, it happened, and that was it. Consequence laid out, enforced, and as a result, believed. It was up to him to make the decision about whether or not his doorknob was intact or not.

The three of us talked a bit more about parenting strategies, things we thought were cool and things we thought were not so cool. My son talked about how now when he looks at the things kids struggle with it seems like they should just should know better than to succumb to peer pressure or push matters until their doorknobs are removed, and because of that maybe his fiancé should do all the parenting of any kids they may have in the future.

Hell no, we both said, kids need both their patents to be in on the action. Hey, I asked my son, have you forgotten to remember what it feels like to be a kid? I've always taught you how important that is. That although kids' problems may seem trivial or silly to adults, they are very real and as much if not more of a burden because kids are just learning to problem solve.

Oh no, he replied, for sure I remember, it's just that it seems sort of separate now from what appears obvious.

I tell him not to worry. As long as he doesn't forget to remember what it feels like to be a kid, he'll be a great dad.

Adoptees wanting to control the adoptee narrative

2011-07-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

"*Sorry Campbell, I won’t be reading or responding to your comments on this issue. I see your name and hit trash button."

It's so common to read about adoptive parents wanting to control the adoptee narrative and sometimes the accusation is justified. Other times, it's so not. In fact, something happens the other times that is far worse. Adoptees wanting to control other adoptees' narrative.

It's an adoptee that said what I've quoted above, an adoptee who said my thoughts aren't worth reading or responding to, that just seeing my name is reason enough to consider my opinion trash.

I wasn't entirely surprised, or rather shouldn't have been. I was told what I had to say in defense of yet another person being very publicly and maliciously maligned by this particular blogger would be removed and that's fine, it's her blog. She is entitled to censor as she sees fit, just as I'm entitled to address the hypocrisy in her doing so.

Over the past while I've watched someone I respect and admire be raked over the coals and have said nothing. It didn't sit well with me and even though I know Mary Anne is more than capable of speaking up for herself, she didn't. The juicy little morsel that set off the missiles of hate directed toward her this time was her comparing Primal Wound THEORY to alien abduction and Big Foot sightings while she was involved in a discussion on counseling approaches. Personally, I understand the comparison. It is the same thing. You would think that people who believe in something that isn't common place would be supportive of others who also truly believe in something that not everyone experiences but no, again the dismissed dismiss the dismissed. They're crazy, but I'm not. What I believe is real, don't compare me to those nutters.

Anyway, time goes on and I stay away from the fray. Others pick up on it all, run over Mary Anne, put it in reverse, back up and run over her again. I stay silent along with the others who are silently cheering her while cringing each time the force runs over her again, making horrible, personal assessments of her, all the while repeatedly putting her full name in print, just to make sure the tread marks leave a permanent scar.

Most recently, a discussion on rights and needs takes place on a blog where one of the authors made claims that adoptees who aren't curious have lower IQs, a claim she never takes responsibility for or backed down from. She isn't taken to task by her adoptee supporters, something that I for one can't comprehend but the venom is instead focused on another woman. A mother whose daughter is adopted who at one time had adoptees proclaiming their love for her, "I love you O Solo Mama". Of course, adoptees' love is ever fleeting. It's all dependent on how tenderly you kiss our adopted asses. The minute you look away and have a thought that is contrary, some of them slap your face, put your name up in lights, and publicly declare war. Nothing is off limits. In the instance I refer to in this post, the blogger goes so far as to say that she herself is more protective of Jessica's daughter than Jessica is. As I said in my trashed comment quoting the blogger, THAT is "some serious fucked-upness". Protective is beating the hell out of someone's mother? Protective is making false derogatory comment after false derogatory comment about a child's mother publicly online? Just because she defended Bastard Nation's position that knowing your origins should be an entitlement guaranteed by law but may not be a universal psychological need?

I've gotten to know Jess and Mary Anne quite well and can assure you they are fine parents. They are intelligent, reasonable women who have contributed greatly to my and others' awareness of the need for adoption reform.

We don't always see issues in exactly the same way but here's a newsflash, that's normal. What's not normal is throwing a tantrum and very publicly attacking good, decent people just because they happen to have balls enough to put their true identities out there.

There's still time to grab some balls of your own and show some support for these fine women who you may not agree with all the time but you know are good caring people who not only support all adoptees' rights but also support and take great care in loving and supporting the adopted persons that are in their personal lives.

Anonymous comments are ~~necessary~~ ~~recommended~~ welcome and your identities protected, as always. I will not however publish anything negative as I will be controlling the narrative on this one.

Lady luck

2011-07-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

Spent time yesterday visiting with a special aunt, one to whom I'm very close. She and my uncle were very influential in my teen years and continue to be to this day.

Our conversation wound it's way to parenting, specifically mothering, and we talked about two women we know well who've demonstrated repeatedly that they are far more interested in themselves than in their children. We talked about a couple of other women we know who made the decision to not have kids, something I in particular admire.

Eventually we found ourselves talking about my mothers, and how my mom had again recently asked my aunt if I'd said anything about my relationship with my biological mother. We had a chuckle about that, I of course rolling my eyes as I explained again to my aunt that there's really nothing new, just regular contact via email about everyday things going on in our lives. Nothing I was keeping from my mom, except of course my bio mom's name, something my mom doesn't like and to which my aunt agreed was important to keep to myself if I wanted to continue to keep bio mom's confidence. My aunt had either forgotten or not realized that my bio mom's family knew/knows nothing of me and I went over the story of her pregnancy and relinquishment of me, as she'd relayed to me when we met in October.

So she could have kept you, my aunt asked. Yup, I replied, she sure could have but she didn't want me. How old was she again, aunt asks. Quickly doing the math I answer, 24 I guess.

As we sat there processing all we'd been talking about, mothers who can't or won't put their kid's needs first and my mothers, one who had me and one who raised me, it occurred to me that I was a lucky lady. That given the circumstances of my conception and birth, and the fact my bio mom left me in the hands of people she didn't know, I was fortunate indeed to have as good a family as I did. Things could have been much, much worse.

Of course I still, and always will, roll my eyes at my mother.

Who killed the cat?! Curiosity, stupid.

2011-07-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

Are adoptees who don't feel especially curious about their biological heritage suffering from low IQ's? Are they unnatural, brainwashed, shut down, or paralyzed by feelings of abandonment?

No. They're not.

They say curiosity is a sign of intelligence. That may be so. I know something else that is a sign of intelligence, the ability to look outside your own experience. The ability to learn new tricks.

There are many, many people who just aren't that curious about their heritage. Some of them need only talk with their parents or visit an aunt or uncle to learn about it. Some can easily hit Ancestry.com or a local library and find all sorts of family background and info. But, they just aren't all that interested, not that curious. Does this make them stupid? Of course not.

I know some will say, well, that's because they can, they know who their real parents are. To that I say, so what? Some adoptees feel like their adopted parents are their real parents, end of story. They feel and see themselves no differently than other people. Why should they be held to a higher standard than everyone else?

Curiosity about circumstances of birth and relinquishment is not surprising, but it isn't a reflection of intelligence. A person uninterested in "what happened" or who their immediate or distant biological relatives are could very well be curious about many other things, things that are far more important to them personally.

It seems to me that when it comes to curiosity about one's own circumstance of adoption and/or heritage, it can vary in degree. It can be nonexistent. It can be mild. It can be all-consuming. It can be both mild and all-consuming from one day to the next, from one hour to the next. It can be stifled due to outside influences. Lack of curiosity can remain in spite of outside encouragement to be curious. It can be there when we're young and vanish when we're older. It can be nonexistent in our youth and then overcome us when we have children.

I've read harsh judgements on adoptees searching for such a frivolous reason as "just being curious". I have had to question myself about this, if simple curiosity was a good enough reason to potentially disrupt the lives of others. It's a big fat no-no in some circles to search out of curiosity as opposed to searching to find and embrace our real parents and/or a new or different family.

For some adoptees just seeing a picture of their parents would suffice. For others, an explanation for having been adopted and a picture, never really feeling the need to actually meet anyone. There are adoptees who want full blown familial relationships with their biological relatives. None of it is wrong or an indication of intelligence or necessarily a reflection on anyone else. To say so, at best, is not very nice. At worst, it's not very smart.

It never has and never will

2011-07-05T04:37:00.000-07:00

Been a little laid up lately and found myself caught up in the murder trial of Casey Anthony.

Wow. Just wow.

Between the media coverage, media of all kinds, it's quite a spectacle. There is live coverage of the trial itself, nonstop coverage and discussion on television, Facebook, and Twitter etc. I haven't noticed really anything about it in adoption blogland but then why would there be, far as I can tell adoption isn't part of the whole sad, sordid story.

The jury was sent to deliberate yesterday and it's my feeling they won't take too terribly long to come to a verdict. What a horrible responsibility they have. Necessary obviously, but still horrible. The prosecution has gone for the death penalty and the pressure alone that that puts on everyday people who make up a jury is part of the reason I am against capital punishment.

Fortunately the jury has options other than the death penalty because Casey Anthony is clearly guilty of plenty and is no doubt involved somehow in the death of her little girl. One can only hope all the people Ms Anthony has taken down with her deserve it, but that's unlikely.

So many innocent people are affected by people like Casey Anthony every day, all the time. Not everyone who has a personality disorder like hers end up involved in the murder of their children but they do wreak havoc on the rest of us in some shape or form.

People who only think of themselves and build themselves up by bringing others down are all around us, and yes, they become parents all the time. Wouldn't it be nice if conception and giving birth could magically transform everyone into caring, responsible, selfless human beings who put their children's needs before their own?

Sadly, it never has, and even more sadly, never will.

Womb fresh infants and foster kids

2011-07-02T07:30:00.000-07:00

Adoption is such a strange (impossible) thing to discuss, online anyway.

I quite often see adoption reformers talk about leaving the womb fresh babies alone, that people should be adopting from foster care instead. Every time I see those words, or some version of them, I can't help but think about the reasons why there are kids in foster care in the first place. If one is to end up being adopted anyway, why would it not be better to be adopted as a womb fresh infant?

I know some will say that kids in foster care are only there because of social wreckers (is that the proper derogatory term?) yanking them from families whose only crime is a dirty home and while I'm sure it's the case sometimes, it's less often than not. At least here in Canada.

Where I am familiar, it's the opposite. Kids are kept in families too long in name of family preservation. Sometimes so long it results in the deaths of children.

Another thing that occurs to me is that, because I do believe that some women who place babies for adoption DO care about or love their babies, either as human beings or as their children, women who consciously and intentionally seek out good families for their baby are the ones who are more likely to become good parents themselves given time and adequate resources.

Mothers who do not consider adoption or abortion (or birth control) and just keep having and keeping kids they have no genuine interest in parenting, have no means to properly support financially, continue to abuse drugs or alcohol and make repeated bad choices when it comes to paternity putting their lovers before their kids, are crap mothers, if one can even call them mothers, whose kids are some (most?) of those that end up in foster care.

Are we as mothers society's responsibility? If so, after how many kids? Is there a limit? If we're relying on society to support us financially, does it not then give them the right to butt into our business? And finally, why must womb fresh infants have to wait until they're damaged and in foster care to be adopted?

Oh yeah, I watched 20/20 last night and it was about Diane Downs and the baby (her fourth) that was taken from her at birth, now an adult, was interviewed.

"I don't believe it is my secret to tell"

2011-06-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

We haven't met, and it seems unlikely that we will. I am your older sister, born in 1972 and given up for adoption. Our parents were unmarried teenagers at the time and felt unable and unprepared to raise a child. I was with them for one week in hospital before they went through with their plan to have me adopted and I was moved into foster care. They married six years later and went on to have you both. Less than five miles separated our homes as we grew up, and even now I live less than an hour away from you.

Read the rest of this letter at The Guardian, series: A letter to...

A letter to … my secret siblings

This one IS all about you

2011-06-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

I wrote my last two posts to put my experience out there for people to read.

I'm using this post to defend myself in writing them.

Seems some have taken issue with what I wrote, as if what I'd written was to them, at them, or about them.

It wasn't.

For the record, again, I did not experience postpartum depression. Not a smidgeon.

I would be one of those fortunate females who did feel an instant bond with my son, possibly even prenatally, hell, maybe even pre-conception. Being a mother came very naturally to me and my desire to be a good one has been the driving force in my life since conception but because it was/is this way for me doesn't mean it must be like that for everyone else. To say so would be insulting, to believe it's so would be ignorant.

Upon getting pregnant, the nutritional value in every morsel of food I ate was considered and not one prescribed or over the counter drug was ingested. Prior to pregnancy, parenting choices such as circumcision and corporal punishment were discussed, kinds of schooling were considered, parenting style agreements were reached. I took becoming a parent very seriously, joyfully, excitedly, and oh so willingly.

The bond my son and I have is unbreakable, unmatchable, and enviable to some. The respect, trust and familiarity we enjoy is such a pleasure and worth every ounce of thought, consideration, and energy that's gone into developing our relationship. To this day I still carefully consider how to conduct myself as a mother of a young adult son. Being a good parent is ever evolving, ever selfless, best performed without ego, without preconceived ideas or fantasies, and without bitterness toward our own childhoods. Remembering how one felt as a child is essential to effective parenting but is entirely different than being dictated to by it. And don't even bother to try and convince me it would be the same way had I put no thought and effort into being a mom, that the act of giving birth in itself would have been enough. I have first hand experience with that alternative.

My son is not the only person with whom I have a strong connection and meaningful relationship with. I have life long relationships with friends and I am regularly in touch with and close to my mother, my sister, and many uncles, aunts, and cousins. I enjoyed very close relationships with both my father and my brother, both of whom are now deceased.

I have a very loving and well cared for relationship with my husband, and my son and I are fortunate to have been welcomed with open arms into his family. My husband and I have a blended family which has successfully avoided the common step family pitfalls with our sons. These fine young men are friends as well as step brothers, and the five of us have managed family get togethers such as weddings and birthdays with my husband's and my ex family members, including ex spouses, with class and grace, much of which is a direct result of how I personally have chosen to conduct myself and treat others.

Nope, you won't get away with calling this woman, by name in public, someone "with deep issues" who doesn't feel connections to her family. You will not get away with claiming I have a "very sad little life" and declare falsely and publicly that since I don't "know how to form bonds with people proves the PW case tenfold." You will not get away with turning a post about my experience into a slight against you.

Even in my most narcissistic, paranoid, egotistical moments I would never publicly declare a post was about me, unless of course my name was blatantly used in follow up commentary and words from my post quoted, misconstrued, distorted, and given false, conjured up meaning.

The idea to use "Husha husha, we all fall down" as my last post's title came from the last words in my last sentence in which I said, "Conceiving and giving birth has no real power without all the rest and I really think choosing to believe or rely on it having so much stand alone importance is sometimes where we all fall down.".

The thought of using the title, "Husha husha, we all fall down" to call anyone infantile never crossed my mind, although the adjective "infantile" certainly figured prominently in my mind as I read the crap written in the post and comments I'm referring to here.

My posts weren't written with intent "to mock those who express their view of connection as childish, and that all would be well if we would stop singing rhymes and clinging to babyish ideas". What an incredible, self absorbed stretch.

To close, I would like to provide you all with an edited version of a sentence written by my detractor, edited to remove the words "some immediate bond for her newborn infant" and replaced with "didn't,".

It's an interesting sentence in which contradiction is obvious, the applicability to the writer and her supporters amusing, as well as, coincidentally, perfectly in line with my case against some primal wound sufferers and how they dismiss those of us who didn't experience one.

"But to say that you had it and your experience is the norm and that if another woman didn't, SHE had pathology? That's projecting a bunch of weird onto others."

I couldn't have said it any better myself.

P.S. Don't fuck with me.

Husha husha, we all fall down.

2011-06-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I called. I only hmm'd and hawed for a couple of seconds and then just did it.

Bio mom answered and we talked for quite a while. Seems my last email to her was on the short side and she'd decided to wait to mail me back until I'd sent something more substantial. Not really knowing her it would be hard to say for sure, but I got the feeling her nose was a little out of joint. In her defense, seems she hadn't gotten around to reading the second short mail I'd sent asking her to please mail me because I was a little worried. In my own defense, I thought it was her that was due to reply with a longer mail, not me. And so it goes.

We actually talked for quite a while and the conversation was pleasant. I couldn't help but think about other parents and adoptees as I carefully chose my words, making quick decisions about what I should and shouldn't say in conversation, and how easy it would be to mess it all up.

Oh crap, did what I just say sound like I was judging her kids? Damn, did I just talk too much about myself? Uh oh, did I just make myself sound like an alcoholic? Oh no, does she think I'm a whiny bitch for complaining about my sister-in-law?

Prior to calling I had a most excellent visit on an outdoor patio with my oldest and dearest friend. The conversation flowed, words were spoken without fear, intimate details of our lives were exchanged with complete trust in one another. There would be no judgement, no betrayal of things said in confidence, no need to weigh every word prior to uttering them out of fear of offending each other. That's the way things are when you really know someone, have concrete history with them, and have nurtured a relationship for 40 years.

When we adoptees meet our biological people, we are doing just that. Meeting them. There is no mystical or automatic relationship, no instantaneous knowledge of each others' way of thinking or doing things by virtue of being genetically related.

I think sometimes we're all led down a garden path when it comes to genes and biological connections and get set up for disappointment and failure. Parents and their children have unrealistic expectations of what things should be like, and I don't just mean those of us who are in adoption situations.

Healthy, trusting familial relationships take dedication, time, and commitment, by both parties.

Of course in the beginning it's up to the parent, the adult, to do all the work but that's where the stage is set. It's not set prenatally by a mysterious primal connection, it's developed gradually through consistency and trust, familiarity and shared experiences.

Conceiving and giving birth has no real power without all the rest and I really think choosing to believe or rely on it having so much stand alone importance is sometimes where we all fall down.

Double the mum, double the weirdness

2011-06-10T06:03:00.000-07:00

Today I start the day worrying about two women, both of whom are my mothers, one whose house key is on my key chain, the other I hesitate to call.

It's been longer than normal since I've heard via email from my bio mom. I've mailed twice this week to ask if all is well and to say it's difficult not to worry something is wrong, could she just send a quick note to say she's ok. Having experienced sudden death of loved ones twice, I know shit happens. I wait for it to happen.

Last night I received a call from an old family friend of my parents. It had been so long since I'd talked to her that she started out the conversation with, "you likely don't remember me". Of course I do remember, although I was very surprised to hear from her.

She called because she was worried something was wrong with my mom and just wanted to check in with me to see if my mom was starting to experience dementia or was perhaps over medicating herself. That the last few times they'd talked my mom hadn't seemed herself some of the time, repeating herself and forgetting previous conversations.

I really appreciated the call and we had a good talk. It wasn't the old friend's intent to worry me and although I was truly thankful for the call, it was striking to be contacted out of the blue and hear an old friend's perception of my mom's behavior. In a way it felt validating, but in another it felt a little ominous.

If something has happened to my bio mom, it will be strange. I barely know her, her family knows nothing of me. To date she's not told me who my bio father is which is something I want to know. I'd have decisions to make regarding revealing myself, an action I cannot take lightly.

I foresee looming decisions to make regarding my mom and her care and well being. I can't help but wonder how the future will play out, or if the future is now.

Strange times these.

You think that's not objective

2011-05-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

Amanda has an interesting post up about open adoption. There is much in it that I agree with as well as an aspect I'd not thought much about before which is the idea that open adoption was created to make it easier for parents to relinquish, something that could very well be true.

Problem with that is, from my non objective point of view, is that I just can't see open adoption being easier or better, for anyone. Not in my personal experience anyway.

I mean, unless the parents are blatantly incompetent for the rest of time and it's obviously a case of lucking in to a better familial situation, how could it not be weird for a young child to see perfectly capable people functioning, perhaps parenting further kept kids, and not be negatively affected? I would imagine more often than not the people who give up a baby eventually get their act together, if they didn't already have it together but just didn't want kids, so how is a child's mind to perceive it all?

Maybe it would be easier for an adopted child in an open adoption to stomach having bio parents who didn't want kids at all and never had any more. I don't know, it's just so hard to picture having grown up knowing my bio mother, watching her parent her kept children. It's quite likely I'd have at some point wanted to go live with them. Would I have been told no? What would that have done to my brain, my self worth, my attitude toward my adoptive family?

I'm glad I was in a closed adoption situation. I knew the score, who my family was. Yes, while growing up I didn't know what had happened to land me in an adoption but I just can't get my head around the alternative. To this day I've never felt abandoned but can't honestly say I'd feel that way had I been exposed to a lifetime of observing a perfectly intact family who just didn't want me, or weren't allowed to get me back if they did.

For me, having the option of finding my biological people, with all the tools to do so being easily accessible, if and when I felt the urge is the perfect scenario to my adoptee mind.

Maybe Amanda is right. Maybe without open adoption, in this age and part of the world where unwed parents aren't that big of a deal, less people would be inclined to choose adoption.

My disclaimer to this post is for all those people who work extremely hard to parent children in open adoption situations. For the people who have chosen adoption but do the best they can to cooperate, love, care for and support their children. I know they are out there and my perspective is based on my personal experience with the parents and circumstance of birth that I was dealt.

I am in agreement with the sentiment that there are far worse things in life than adoption, open or not.

Children who are loved, shown respect, and have parents who put their egos aside and children's needs before their own will survive, even thrive, no matter how unique the family circumstance.

Unreal

2011-05-01T06:29:00.000-07:00

I read quite a few adoption blogs and it's pretty much the same old, same old most of the time. Yesterday though I ran across a little tidbit that made my blood boil, and then run cold.

"I've always prepared for my adopted child to say "You're not my real mommy, I hate you, I want my real mommy." And do you know what I will honestly think? "You're not my real daughter, and I DO want my real daughter. But I LOVE you. No matter what.""

I have a few problems with this, not the least of which is that this person adopts period.

Who says shit like this? Who says to their kid who is adopted that they aren't their real son or daughter? Who tells their kid who is adopted that they want their real daughter, their daughter who died?

I note that the person said they will honestly "think", not necessarily say the words but you know what? Thinking it is bad enough.

If you don't intend to think of your adopted kids as your real kids, really, don't adopt.

"Think before you breed"

2011-04-17T07:10:00.000-07:00

I know, kinda sensational for a blog title but it's a direct quote taken from one of the many comments on this article. Quite a variety of perspectives going on over there.

The article itself isn't surprising to me but it appears that it is to some of the people commenting which is why I wanted to mention it. I've talked about postpartum depression and very normal, less than storybook maternal feelings and reactions to motherhood here before. How myths place unrealistic expectations on females, how the myths themselves create standards and judgments that prevent a mom from telling someone she feels overwhelmed, nothing, or even homicidal.

We don't do ourselves or our children any favors by building each other up to automatically be perfect mommies just by the virtue of giving birth. Hormones, the sound of our heartbeats and voices in utero, and eye and skin contact upon birth aren't enough to carry us through the day to day realities of parenting and life.

In the article they talk about isolation being one of the factors linking cases of mothers murdering their children together.

What could be more isolating than being pregnant or parenting and not having the expected, supposedly natural and always present, conception and birth induced, perfect, sweet, protective, maternal feelings being perpetuated by motherhood myths?

I mean seriously, just who exactly are you going to tell? Sadly, sometimes tragically, probably nobody.

The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie -- deliberate, contrived and dishonest -- but the myth -- persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.(Quote by - John F. Kennedy)

2011-04-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

I don’t subscribe to the Primal Wound Theory as it's presented and the reason that I don’t is because I was adopted as an infant and I don’t have a primal wound. Not sure one could have a much more valid reason for being a non-believer. It’s basically the same as believing a primal wound exists because one has a primal wound. Except for, my experience negates Nancy Verrier’s declaration that a primal wound is inescapable, universal and that means something.

It means you don’t automatically have a primal wound if you were not raised by your biological mother. Phew, eh?

I am however a believer in adoptee rights.

I think you can be unwounded and still be concerned with discrimination against adopted persons when it comes to closed records of the adoptee’s own life.

I think you can be unwounded and still care about kids being born today to parents that aren’t going to raise them. I care very much about who ends up raising them and how they go about it. In fact, I care about how people are raising all kids, kept or not.

Something else I care about is biological parents’ feelings. Their fear, their shame. I believe their feelings should be taken into consideration when opening up records to adoptees. I really do. I’m well aware that the online community say repeatedly that parents, mainly mothers, were not, by law, guaranteed privacy, anonymity. I guess that’s most likely true, I’d be surprised to see a mother pull out documentation proving otherwise. They also say though that mothers weren’t even verbally made promises of confidentiality, not led to believe they’d never be found, led to believe that their secret would always remain a secret.

Don’t believe it.

As with the Primal Wound Theory not applying in my case, I am here to say that my biological mother did believe I’d never find her, that her secret would never be threatened. That it was up to her to decide who in her life would know about me, about what she did 48 years ago and me finding her was “never supposed to happen”. Yes, she was done a great disservice, a disservice I don’t think should be taken lightly.

I’m not sure what the answer is. I’m not sure any legislation will ever be fair to all parties, but I don’t think it does anyone any good to think it’s just adoption agencies and adoptive parents who don’t want open records.

Maybe if we could all just be honest about adoption and how it means different things to different people there could be some progress made.

Not every mother and father wants to be found, regrets having chosen adoption, dreams of the day they will meet their long lost son or daughter. It’s just not fair to perpetuate that type of myth, not fair to anyone, and most especially not fair to the adoptees who yearn to reunite and think it will make everything all better, just as myths and dishonesty are not helpful in achieving open records.

Even though I truly believe we’re the only ones who can make ourselves feel better, it would be nice to get some help along the way and I think a little honesty and a lot more realism would go very far in doing just that.

How many kids in your family?

2011-04-01T04:34:00.000-07:00

Kids. Children. Offspring?

Nothing to differentiate between adult or non adult. How many kids in your family? How many kids do you have? What year was your child born? How many kids does your sister have? Is so-and-so your oldest child? I'm a middle child, are you the youngest child? He's an only child. There are three of us kids in our family.

If one were to insert grown or adult, as in "how many adult kids does your sister have?" it would suggest the sister has some non adult kids. Nobody ever says, "Is so-and-so your oldest adult/grown child?" or "I'm the middle adult child, are you the youngest grown child?".

People use the words kids and children all the time when referencing people's offspring or siblings. It's not meant to infantilize and as far as I can tell, normally doesn't.

Am I missing something? Is this subject a source of angst (Angst as in the English, German, Danish, Norwegian and Dutch word for fear, or anxiety) for everyone but me?

It's a privilege and an honour to make yer aquaintance, ma'am

2011-03-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

Want to share a link to a really good post. Check out Amanda here

I think she really nailed it, this sense of obligation between parents and adoptees. I agree when she says the adoptee really doesn't owe anyone anything. It would be swell if everyone treated each other with kindness, respect, patience, and generosity but as far as the adoptee having an obligation to any of their parents? Well, I like how Amanda put it.

"Many first parents are fond of reminding us that we don't owe our adoptive parents loyalty..that we should not make the decision not to not reunite to save their feelings. But can't the same be said about natural parents? We shouldn't reunite just to satisfy their feelings. Just as I owe my adoptive parents nothing for adopting me, I owe my first parents nothing for giving me up."

Check out the rest.

Oh sorry, I lied

2011-03-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

Kids have to feel it's safe to tell the truth, or they won't.

When you tell them it will be easier on them if they fess up to the major crime of not having really brushed their hair, you better not be lying yourself.

Offering them an out, a way to come clean with dignity works. Tell them you want to start over, give them the opportunity to re answer whether they really washed their hands or brushed their teeth, pretend they didnt even answer yet. No repercussion (or lecture for having lied) just a fresh start as a reward for having been brave enough to have told the truth.

Kids need to value honesty in order to be honest. If lying is a way to survive, it has far more value than telling the truth. If our kids need to lie to maintain their dignity, they will. If kids need to lie to do the normal things kids like to do, they will.

Doesn't it make more sense to know what our kids are really doing than basically force them to lie? How does a young teen phone mom and/or dad when they're in a jam if they've lied about what they are really doing? They can't, so you won't even know they're in trouble until it's maybe too late to help them.

I believe honesty is something to be taught early in life, that parents need to provide their kids with an environment that rewards honesty. That honesty is about respect for others and ones own self. Honesty is admired and applauded, recognized as an act of courage many times.

I feel it's also important to talk about the times it's ok to lie, because such times exist. I straight out told my son if he ever needed to lie to get out of a situation involving drugs or alcohol or any of the other precarious situations our kids are exposed to regularly that it was ok to do whatever he needed in the moment. I gave him the example of being offered a cigarette. If it's easier to say, "nah, thanks man but I just put one out", go for it.

I promised him early that if I knew from him about something that happened in school instead finding out from another parent or teacher, things would be much easier for him, as far as I approached the situation anyway. I really respect the courage it takes for a child to be honest in the face of certain punishment or consequence and delivered my *sentences* accordingly.

I'd just like to close this post with something I did when my son was in kindergarten or grade one. He had lied to me about something silly the day before, I'd busted him and we'd talked about it. I was trying to figure out a way to get him to understand how it feels to be lied to, to not trust someone you love and care about. So, I decided to lie to him. I picked him up from school, all bright and cheery announcing we'd be hitting McD's on the way home to get him a happy meal (it was always all about the toy, not the food). When we pulled up to our home and he said, hey, I thought we were going to get a happy meal I replied, oh, sorry, I lied.

We had another good talk about it, I assured him that would be the only time he'd ever experience a lie from me and I can honestly say lying was never a big problem in our home.

It took effort and consistency and I'm not naive enough to think I know everything thing there was and is to know about my son's life but I do know that one of the things he takes most pride in is being an honest man. One of the things I take the most pride in is knowing he knows he has always had a safe place in this world to be honest, and that's with me, his mom.

What are you?

2011-03-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

Out tonight with a bunch of people at a very informal banquet.

The food being served led to me being asked, "what are you?". My darling husband chimes in with "Scottish!" to which I say, no, I'm Irish and...uh, and..I think maybe French. He looks at me with a "huh?" and then a "oh, yeah" and I go on to say yes, Irish for sure and I think French with a definite Scottish, Ukrainian, and Polish influence. And then, nothing. Only a slight glance from one dinner partner and much to my disappointment, not one, "what do you mean influence?".

Such as it is. Sometimes it's kind of like people asking you how you are. It's more like a pleasantry, they really don't care how you are. Just like nobody really cares what we are, what our cultural background is. If we're lucky enough to be something exotic, sure, it can impress the odd dinner partner but for the most part, who really gives a shit?

It would have been far more interesting if anyone I was having dinner with had given enough of a shit to ask me what I meant by influence.

Oh well.

We entertained ourselves instead by talking about people who weren't there.

Runaway train...ing

2011-03-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

When I was 15 or 16 I ran away from home. Not one of those overnighters to a friend's place, I mean the 1200 km to a very big city for a couple of months with a boyfriend kind of running away from home. Many of the details have faded from memory and as with most things, actual facts have likely become somewhat distorted over time. Also, my memories are just that, mine. Anyone else affected by my actions will have their own memories, their own version of the story and how what I did impacted them. To this day I do not regret what I did, I think it was necessary, I just regret that I hurt people who didn't deserve it.

I write this post in the attempt to maybe help those thinking of running away as well as parents who may some day have a child who feels their last resort is to run away from their problems, with their problems more than likely being one or more of their parents.

Since I had run away myself, starting at a very young age I talked to my son about running away. I didn't tell him that I had until he was grown up because it wasn't necessary and I did not want it to influence the relationship he had with his grandparents, especially with his grandma since it was because of her that I had run away.

When I talked to him about it it wasn't a big production. I kept it very simple. I told him that as kids grow up they sometimes feel like running away. That sometimes they feel like it's the only way to deal with whatever problem they have. I told him that if he ever felt this way, even if I was the problem he wanted to run away from, to come to me and I would help him figure it out. That if it was because of me, I'd believe him and find someone to help us figure it out. I talked to him about how I would feel if I didn't know where he was, how it would be the worst thing that could ever happen, me not knowing if he was ok. We talked about how dangerous it can be for a runaway, how there are people who just wait to prey upon young kids who are alone and vulnerable. We promised each other regularly that if he felt like running away, no matter the reason, he'd tell me and that I would believe and accept his feelings as valid and help him through whatever was going on.

Son, if you're ever feeling like you need to run away from home, tell me first and I promise to help fix whatever is wrong, even if it's me. I will be there for you no matter what the problem is. If you're going to run away, promise to tell me first and I will do whatever is necessary to help you get through what's going on

If you're a young person reading here and thinking of running away, if you feel you have no other choice, that if you don't get away you'll go crazy, I understand. My eyes tear up at the thought of it and I'm sorry you feel that way, but I understand.

I guess my questions to you are, as a person who has been there, are you absolutely 100% sure there is no other way? Are you positive that you can't tell one of your parents, a friend, a sibling, a teacher, an aunt or uncle? Just tell them you can't hack it anymore and you need to live somewhere else, with someone else, even for a short time. That if you can't get someone to hear you and take how you're feeling seriously, you will have to run away. Or as I preferred to call it, leave home.

I've already said I had no other choice, I needed to leave to save my sanity. I cannot regret doing what I needed to survive but there were consequences I will forever feel badly about. I will never forget the look in my father's eyes when I finally came back home. I remember pulling up to our home, getting out of the car, and my dad barely glancing at me as he did his yard work. You see, I wasn't running away from my dad, but he still paid the price. At the time my dad was coaching my softball team, had for a few years, taking time out of his life to do something for me. When I left home we had made the playoffs for the very first time and do you know my dad carried on coaching the rest of the girls, through his pain and likely humiliation of everyone knowing what I had done. My dad loved all of his kids very much, dedicated his life to being there for us, no matter what. It took a long time to regain his trust and respect, but eventually he allowed me to. He even went so far as to tell me that he understood why I needed to do what I did and forgave me for putting him through the pain of not knowing where and how I was. My dad went through hell when I ran away, and I will forever feel badly about that. When he was dying and I was taking my time alone with him I whispered in his ear that I was sorry for the things I'd done that hurt him. I hope he heard me.

It affected my siblings when I left home. I can't and won't speak for them but it doesn't take much of an imagination to picture what it may have been like for them, stuck in a home of worry with two parents possibly blaming each other, sick with worry, one or both dealing with "what the neighbors might think". My brother and sister didn't do anything to deserve to suffer the repercussions of my leaving, but they did.

I had friends who didn't know I was leaving, didn't know what to say when they were asked questions about my whereabouts. One friend actually brought my mom a card and flowers.

The worst thing that happened to me when I was gone was starvation. When I left I drained my bank account but that money only lasts so long, and not as long as a teen imagines it will. Something always comes up unexpected, something only life experience can teach us which is the thing as teens we are kind of short on, life experience. I was fortunate in that the boyfriend I ran away with was a very good and kind person. He is the one that got his mother to call my parents when I wouldn't, or couldn't, just to let them know we were alive. There was no drugs, alcohol, or manipulation. I somehow always knew that I couldn't do drugs. That I wouldn't be able to handle the effects of them, or that I would love the effects and never be able to stop.

It's near impossible to get a job with no address. When you're living in a car, you have no address and back then without cells, no phone number. We did try, especially him, but under the circumstances it was impossible to get work and make some money, just to eat. It was this, not eating for three days, that forced me to "phone a friend", a friend who lived in that city who came as soon as he could, took us for food and left us with a bit of money and helped us to make the decision to call family that lived close by and ask for help. Please believe me when I say that if there were any other alternative that didn't involve something dangerous I would have taken it, but there wasn't. It's very, very difficult to make it on your own without a penny in your pocket and no address or phone number.

I was fortunate to have been born with or somehow develop, let's call it a street smartness. An ability to somehow keep myself safe in very unsafe situations that I put myself in. I was fortunate to have friends and extended family who loved me and were there for me when I needed help. I'm fortunate to, as a teen and an adult, have never been the vulnerable type, the kind of person predators prey upon, which are all factors in my not becoming just another statistic when I left home. This is not the case for most young people who run away so I guess my message to young people is to please, please think twice and three times before doing something drastic. It's a scary world out there with scary people just waiting for those of us having a bad time at home. Your story will likely not end up like mine, coming out for the most part unscathed with only the scars of guilt for hurting those who didn't deserve to be hurt.

Parents, don't think "not my child". Talk to your kids about running away. Tell them their problems matter to you, and mean it. Show it. It's not easy being young and although your children's problems may seem trivial in comparison to your own, they are not. They are as big, if not bigger, and they need you to care, listen, and be real. Entertain the thought you may just be one of their problems and allow them to be honest with you. At the time you may wish you didn't know, be tempted to be unwilling to own your part in their struggle to grow up but it will be a hell of a lot harder not knowing where they are and who is doing what you should be doing.

What you should be doing is making them feel worth, heard and believed, and valued for who they are, not what you want them to be.

On second thought, she's all yours

2011-03-12T05:04:00.000-08:00

The other day my mom talked about making perogies with her friend's daughter. Two hundred of them! All for the friend's daughter, none even for my mom to take home (which if you knew my mom is shocking in itself). Wow. Nice thing for my mom to do, she has never done that with me. It's like pulling teeth for her to cough up a perogy or two for my son and I unless someone special is in town visiting and dinner is at my place. Oohh, sounds bitter, eh? Jealous right? Well, it was. But when I think about it now, the LAST thing I feel like doing is making a few hundred perogies with my mother! Yeah, no, not my idea of fun.

So? Why would I be jealous of something I don't even want? Well, of course it wasn't the perogy making experience I wanted, what I was jealous of was someone getting something I don't have and what I don't have is a storybook relationship with my mom.

I think it's all about desire to have something that's very difficult to obtain. Especially when it comes to mothers and daughters. I'm trying to think of someone, anyone that I know that has the ideal mother/daughter relationship and I'm drawing a blank.

People talk about baggage in romantic relationships, well I think we also have it familial relationships. I think parents bring their own from growing up which is then thrown on to the pile that starts accumulating when they have kids. Why do we expect it to be any different than any other relationships? Sure there is a different kind of connection but the dynamic is the same. In fact, many times we treat our family members with less consideration than we would an acquaintance or a stranger on the street.

Good relationships take effort, by all parties involved. It's my opinion that those special parent/child relationships that do on occasion exist have taken effort and commitment early in the child's life and then an ongoing dedication on behalf of both parties to continue to work things out, to care about how each other are feeling, to really be prepared to apologize when warranted and try to see where the other is coming from.

Just wanting something doesn't make it so. And if it isn't so, let go gracefully. Quit banging your head against the wall. Nothing is automatic, no relationship is effortless or magical.

It's natural to wish something were a certain way, but it's important to have the strength to recognize when that's all it will ever be, is a wish. I'm not saying jump ship necessarily, that's for us all to decide as individuals, but let go of the fantasy. Stop setting yourself up for failure and disappointment and try and see things as they really are.

You never know, maybe what actually is will be a hell of a lot better than continuing to hope for something that never will be.

A Note To My Fellow Foster Care Alumni ~ To Tell Truth - Please Stand Up

2011-03-11T13:24:00.000-08:00

Just had to link to this great post.

To all those who got screwed on the parent front, either royally or in smaller doses, be strong when you can and know you're not alone. We are not our parents, their problems don't have to be ours. Ask for help when you need it, help others when you can, and be good to yourselves. Forgive, remember, and try not to repeat.

A Note To My Fellow Foster Care Alumni ~ To Tell Truth - Please Stand Up

Sorry, I can't make it in today

2011-03-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

Just how much consideration does an employer need to show a working mother?

It's not easy being a working mom, sometimes dad. I say sometimes about dad as it seems like more often than not it's mom who misses work because of the kids. I've been a married mom and have also been single one. I know the problems that arise. Kids get sick, then they make you sick. If the kids are in daycare, holidays become an issue. Add that to the everyday reasons people miss work, and there can be a whole lot of missing work going on. Depending on the type of work setting, it can affect productivity as well as morale amongst co-workers.

Is there some onus on the parents to find employment that is flexible, or work alternate shifts to each other? Do parents have a responsibility to be sure they have back up daycare? Should they make an extra effort to go to work on the days when they feel just a little sick, have a flat tire, or when the weather is nice or not so nice, in case of the inevitable child related emergency where they truly cannot come in to work?

I repeat, it's not easy being a working mom and in some cases dad, but just how much slack is an employer expected to cut parents?

Since you asked

2011-02-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

So I've recently been asked, I'm told sincerely, how I am impacted by being adopted and I've since been mulling over a response. I found the context in which I was asked this question a little strange as well as off topic, to my train of thought anyway, so I felt uncomfortable answering in the space where the question originated. It was asked in an environment where the attitudes toward adopted persons who do not feel negatively affected are hostile, judgemental, dismissive, and insulting plus such a question would be difficult to answer in the limited space of a comment for someone as long-winded as I can be.

So here I am answering in my own little space of the internet. Within my answer it is not my intent to insult anyone or claim that my perspective is right or better, it's simply that, my perspective, my experience, my life. I wouldn't say being adopted has had a huge impact on me, not in comparison to other significant events in my life. The mother/daughter relationship I've experienced and the ramifications of that, the birth of my son, the deaths of my younger brother and my father have all had a much more profound impact on me than anything to do with being adopted has. That said, there have been a few isolated incidents because of it as well as ongoing experiences I have had and am having that wouldn't have occurred or be occuring had I not been given up at birth.

There are a couple of things that stand out from my past. As a child coming to the realization that I didn't come from a nurse that had babies for those who couldn't was huge. The discussion about this with my mom (it started out with me crying and accusing my mom of having lied to me) was provoked by classmates that I'd told I was adopted who had pointed out, not very kindly, that meant my sister wasn't my real sister. This realization was where I first started to think about my biological mother, worry that she was well, and develop the desire to let her know that I was ok. I never once felt she'd abandoned me or that there was something wrong with me that she didn't want me. I just assumed that some "jerk" had gotten her pregnant and her evil parents had forced her to give me away. None of this ended up being accurate but it's what I always thought.

Another was as a teen telling a boyfriend if I were to ever find myself pregnant I'd have an abortion. I clearly remember him asking how I could do something like that having been adopted. That my biological mom could have aborted me but didn't. Although I know this train of thought makes anti adoption peeps crazy it is very common thought and had an impact on me. Now that I'm a grown woman I realize the abortion option in 1963 wasn't all that available so as a result wasn't likely to have happened but I am still glad to be alive and not aborted. I love my life.

Another way being adopted had an impact on me was sexually. I was determined from a very young age to never get pregnant when I didn't want to so abstained (from intercourse) until my early twenties. Hard to believe sports fans, but it's true. I've had friends from school to this day say they'd never have thought that but rather assumed the opposite. I had lots of boyfriends, they just weren't gettin' any...of "that" anyway.

I have never experienced feeling like I didn't belong when it came to my family, immediate or extended. I always felt that my mom and dad, sister and brother were just that. My family. I've never felt that my lack of interest in searching made me the good child or that it was for my parents, to save them the anguish or hurt feelings. I was all for my sister searching when she did and chastised my mom when she got her nose out of joint here and there (just recently watched home video of my family meeting my sister's bio mom and her partner, haha man what a gong show). In my recent connection with my bio mom I took flack from my mom about not wanting to share my bio mom's name. This was not the only thing that my mom did that annoyed me or hurt my feelings in navigating my way through this but none of that is actually adoption related, it's because of the type of person my mom is.

Being blood related really doesn't mean very much to me. It's actual relationships, connections through family that are important to me. I am as much my grandma's granddaughter as any of my cousins. My parent's ancestral history is as much mine as it is my brother's, who is biological to my parents. Although I am not related genetically, I am related by being a part of the family, my father's daughter, my mother's daughter, just as my son is a part of the family history even though he isn't related by blood. Actually as far as my son goes, my family is and always has been far more influential, important, prominent in my son's life than his blood relatives on his dad's side just by being more present, more involved, more like family. I am related by blood to others but neither my son nor I know them and they aren't as important to me as the people I know and love. This is not to say they couldn't be but to date, they are not, I don't even know them. I'm getting to know my bio mom but to say that she is someone that feels like family to me would be a huge stretch, one that I am not willing to conjure up for the sake of fitting in with those who claim a mystical mother/child connection without real interaction and history. She is the person who gave birth to me which in itself is meaningful, but I don't know her, just as she doesn't really know me. Don't get me wrong, it would have been very cool to have discovered this amazing, perfect, mother figure that many dream of but no, she's just a very nice, active, seemingly intelligent woman who seems family oriented, that I'm getting to know. She's just a person, like me, living her life as fully as she can, trying to be a good human being while still having fun.

Another impact being adopted has had on me is the freedom I have to be myself. The less desirable qualities of my family are not mine to be inherited whereas the good qualities are there for me to emulate and admire if choose to do so. That may seem frivolous to some but to me it's been a big deal.

I've been sitting on this post for a bit and I'm not completely sure I've covered all the ways adoption has impacted me but perhaps that can be accomplished in the comments. I do want to get this out there as it's been a while now since I was asked, sincerely, just how I am impacted by being adopted.

You break it, it's yours.

2011-02-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

I was told an interesting story that has an adoption aspect to it, a detail that was shocking to me. The story is about an adopted person and while I won't go in to detail and retell her whole story I do want to share the part that made my jaw about hit the table. Although my reaction was obvious and I made it clear to the storyteller how as an adopted person myself the detail was really disturbing, we didn't dwell on it or discuss it at length as it wasn't the point of the story.

What was relayed to me that really freaked me out was that after having been placed with the adopting parents the mom and baby were in a serious car accident in which the baby was severely injured. And although the parents did not take advantage of their agency's "return policy", they were offered it!!

"You can return her if you want to". Still shaking my head here.

They won't thank you later, believe me

2011-02-10T04:34:00.000-08:00

Being adopted isn't a condition.

Yes, I concede various aspects of adoption can be the cause of a range of emotional and psychological issues. But, it isn't always.

People always talk about triggers, well here's one of mine. Every time I read about some adoptive parent consulting lists and/or books by various "experts" on being adopted and then diagnosing their kids, I am triggered. Do you want your kids to have these problems? Sometimes it really seems like it. Is there something to people parenting only adopted children and as a result are not aware that many of these so called adoptive child behaviours are regular old everyday things kids do when they're in a pissy mood after Christmas, they are being picked on in school for something completely unrelated to being adopted, they're reacting to YOU having the February gloom or just being stressed out about whatever?

Why can't kids who are adopted just be treated normally?

Hmm...wait, perhaps normal no longer exists. Adoptive parents aren't the only ones assigning behaviour disorders to their kids, seems like all kinds of parents are doing this these days.

What is it? Is it because you don't want to look at yourself and think long and hard about what you're doing, or not doing?

Is it because your precious little son or daughter isn't living up to what your expectations of them are in school, or in how they socialize, how responsible they are, what they're interested in doing in activities, how many times a day they feel like giving you a hug?

Attachment disorders, reactive attachment disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, attention deficit disorders, attention deficit hyperactive disorders...what the hell?

We're all aware of the power of suggestion, aren't we? We're all aware that medicated kids are easier to parent at home and monitor at school, aren't we? We're all aware that normal kids do not walk around like zombies doing exactly what they're told, answering politely every time they're asked a question, are born knowing it's wrong to lie, to steal, to bite, to bully. Always keep their bedrooms neat as a pin, jump to help do dishes after supper, and never ever forget to use their inside voice.

Why aren't we aware that all of this comes with the territory?

Parenting isn't easy people. It takes patience, consistency, determination, understanding, compassion, and TIME. It needs to be done without ego and a thick skin.

Can we have too many children?

2011-02-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

A few weeks back I sent the following question to Lisa at A Bushel and A Peck and she suggested that she use it as her Tuesday Topic. I look forward to seeing what she and her readers have to say.

Upon reading the difficulty you had in finding only 15 minutes in a day to spend with one of your children (GIMH Rockin' Mama Challenge) I had to ask myself why a person would have so many children. I've always been of the mindset that people can have too many children and that when they do, it's unfair to the children as they cannot possibly receive as much attention as they need, and deserve.

For context, I'm an adopted person who is not anti adoption. I am not religious and do not subscribe to adoption being any group's God's will and I do believe in hugging/cuddling children of any age that want it.

I decided to send my question in an email as opposed to a comment because Lisa took quite a bit of (in my opinion unwarranted) heat over the original post and I didn't want to contribute to that, and still don't. Please keep that in mind if you decide to share your thoughts either here or there.

One mother's perspective on the right to search

2011-02-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

I do not see it as a matter of rights, everyone and no-one have the "right" to search, or rather, both mothers and adoptees search, whether they have that right or not. That is not the question.

Some search, some do not. It is a deeply personal choice, from both sides. To adoptees (that feel nothing tells them more that they were loved than being searched for), mothers searching do not necessarily care more than mothers who wait to be found. Many of us who searched, and especially those like me who searched for young adoptees, did so out of our own needs as much as concern for the child.

I do not see myself as more noble or loving than mothers I know who were found but did not search, just more desperate at an earlier age. My son did not want to be found or to search. He was not pining for me, and it did nothing for him at the time, me showing up when he was too young.

Mothers who surrendered should search if they feel the need, but they should be aware not all adoptees are eager to be found any more than all birth mothers are. There are good reasons to search, and for some, good reasons not to. There is no "right" to search, it is a choice that should be made with clear vision and careful considerations of the pros and cons.

I am glad I found my son. I wish I had waited many more years to make contact. I cannot advise others to do as I have done, as I regret so much of it. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have the relationship with my son that I have now, in spite of all the mistakes.

You're just like your mother

2011-02-04T04:06:00.000-08:00

I think the majority of women ~~fear~~ dread becoming their mothers and/or are determined not to be like them, obviously some have more reason than others to ~~fear~~ dread it.

Am I wrong?

Look before you leap

2011-01-30T05:57:00.000-08:00

I hope other people will read this and learn something about adopting and that this boy will finally have somewhere to live that’s good for him. If the boy truly was begging not to be there and meant it, I’m glad he’s getting out.

It’s a huge deal to adopt kids. They are already without a family. Don’t adopt unless you KNOW you’ll be seeing it through to the end.

I'm glad this post is there. I hope potential adoptive parents reading it are honest with themselves while doing so and ask themselves tough questions instead of just reading and saying, “wow, that sucks but it wouldn’t happen in my house”. IT COULD, and there are ramifications for every single person involved in the adoption which includes the kids you’re already raising.

I wrote a post to a friend who is thinking of adopting and here’s the link in case it helps someone avoid this type of situation.

http://campbellscoup.blogspot.com/2010/09/dear-friend.html

Says who new

2011-01-26T04:02:00.000-08:00

I quite often read something on a blog and think love that! Or yes! Or chuckle out loud. Then I have to decide whether to bother commenting just to say, "love that", and then I forget where I read it after, so I've decided to start collecting little gems. Sometimes great things get lost in the shuffle of a great discussion.

If you see something below you've written and care to claim it and/or expand upon it, please do.

If you see something you like, let the author know why.

"The notion that "not talking about it" means a person has not thought about it or experience difficulty, or that their silence means that there is no different experience or difficulty for anyone, is absurd"

"It is not fair what happened to us. It is not our fault! But we are the ones left wallowing in the shit, and we are the only ones with the power to change it now."

"We have reached the point in our society where we no longer allow anyone a difference of opinion for fear that ours will be wrong."

"I do not have to agree with everything someone says or believes to know when they have a good point."

"I am absolutely a "bad" adoptee. Angry, bitter, ungrateful, totally anti adoption, but I don't think that all adoptees have to be like that and I have plenty of adoptee friend who are not like that and who accept me as I am." ~ Unfortunately the person who said this didn't actually mean it and I thought about changing my mind about using it on this post but hey, it would have been a cool thing to say! It's also a good example of how full of shit people can be.

"My hope is that adoption decisions are made based on facts and arguments and not on lobbying activities of subsets of the interest groups. And I go back to lobbying."

"That thoughts of ‘my place’ in my sons life came second to his needs, and they always will. That’s what you do when you love someone, suddenly, it doesn’t matter that you are not the one meeting that persons needs, all that matters is that they are met."

"Classy...another "C" word"

"I don't think any adoptee should have to feel guilty or wrong regardless of what their stance is on being adopted."

"It is hard for people not to accept your perspective as valid when you are the one living it--and they, are not."

Answering anonymous

2011-01-22T13:39:00.000-08:00

A question was asked elsewhere and since it was asked anonymously and in a place where the blog owner had stated "Time to stop" I thought I'd answer here in my own space.

The question, "Can I ask if those who critique the work of Nancy Verrier have actually read her literature before forming their opinions as well?"

My answer...

Anonymous, I critique and haven't read her books.

Wrong or right I need to read no further than her position page on her website that says, "..the connection between biological mother and child is primal, mystical, mysterious, and everlasting. Far more than merely biological and historical, this primal connection is also cellular, psychological, emotional, and spiritual. So deep runs the connection between a child and its mother that the severing of that bond results in a profound wound for both, a wound from which neither fully recovers. In the case of adoption, the wound cannot be avoided, but it can and must be acknowledged and understood."

Since I am adopted and this is not the case for me or, from what I can tell so far, my mother, I cannot be anything other than critical. I believe it can happen to those that say it has (why would they say it if it wasn't true?) but why would I put great stock (or any stock) in what a non adopted person says is the unavoidable experience of all adopted people, when it isn't mine?

I have a question of my own. Would you put stock in a primal wound theory if you were me?

In the eye of the beholder

2011-01-15T08:18:00.000-08:00

I came across a blog yesterday that has a post entitled Adoptee Cliques and it got me thinking about how this group phenomena occurs. I think I know what some of the perceived reasons or impetus for the dissension are, I just have no clue how to resolve or dispel them. Perhaps it's not possible to put an end to online adoptee cliques.

I'll start out by mentioning some adoption scenarios I've had personal experience with and a few I know of by reading around the various online resources that exists. By no means will I or could I list them all. There are far, far too many and really, every single situation is unique to the individuals involved which in turn affects the experience of the adopted person.

Domestic, closed, infant adoption. (That's me)
Domestic, closed, infant adoption to a good family (That's me too!)
Domestic, closed, infant to a crap family
Domestic, closed adoption of an infant willingly given up. (Me again)
Domestic, closed adoption of an infant who was coerced or abducted from it's parents(s)
Replace domestic with international on the first 5
Add transracial to the first 5
Subtract closed from the first 5 but add toddler/older child from foster care
Take 1 but subtract domestic, add international, and divide by life and death medical circumstance
Take all 10 and multiply by 20 years ago. Then by 30. By 40. 50.60.70.80.90

There are adopted people who feel abandoned, there are those who do not.
Some that feel like they never fit in to their adoptive families, some that feel they did.
Some believe they suffer from a primal wound, some who feel they don't.
Some were born in different countries than they were raised, some who were not.
Some who feel the need to search, some who do not.
Some search and are embraced, some search and are rejected.
Some who have always known they were adopted, some found out as adults.
Some who feel being adopted was a negative in their life but still love their parents.
Some who can't stand their parents but don't feel being adopted was a negative.
Some who feel their god was instrumental, some who don't think their god had anything to do with it.
Some feel relieved to have been adopted, some feel it was completely unnecessary.
Some who feel like their adoptive family is their "real" family, some who do not.

There are many, many more ways adopted people feel and possible reasons for why they feel that way. I could take much of what I've already listed and interchange them and it would apply to someone.

I personally think we do each other a disservice by dismissing each other's realities. I understand it's human nature to gravitate toward those who are of like minds. It's comforting, it assures us we're "ok", normal.

How can we get to a place where we don't mock one another? Gang up on each other? Present a place where people who are adopted can truly say how they feel about being adopted without fear of being rejected or attacked by other adopted people?

Some may think I am the kind of person who is ~~annoyingly~~ eternally optimistic. The "turn that frown upside down" type, and they'd be mostly right. Except for in the adoptee vs adoptee ring. I am not optimistic at all.

I think there is innate desire to categorize ourselves into good and bad adoptees. I think we've been told they exist, and deep down we want them to. Don't get me wrong, I believe a person can be in a situation where they want to be or are expected to be a "good" adoptee, that if they aren't they won't be as loved or accepted. They must appear grateful, or else. I also believe that an adopted person can honestly and freely be totally fine with it, be almost fine with it, kinda ok with it, have fleeting moments where it's not the worst thing in the world, or just downright think it's the worst thing that could have happened.

Good and bad is in the eye of the beholder. Don't you dare slip from grace.

Says who?

2011-01-13T04:31:00.000-08:00

I quite often read something on a blog and think love that! Or yes! Or chuckle out loud. Then I have to decide whether to bother commenting just to say, "love that", and then I forget where I read it after, so I've decided to start collecting little gems. Sometimes great things get lost in the shuffle of a great discussion.

If you see something below you've written and care to claim it and/or expand upon it, please do.

If you see something you like, let the author know why.

"Family is not about genetics. Family is about love. Family is about growing together. Family is about commitment and navigating through life together. Family has nothing to do with DNA. DNA is just how people are produced. DNA does not produce families. DNA produces people. People make families. Love makes families."

"Acceptance of what I have versus what I dream of is a welcome change to my weary heart and soul."

"Being an adoptee is NOT a deficit! It’s simply a part of who we are. Owning up to this identity comes with challenges and baggage, but who doesn’t have challenges and baggage?"

"Sarcasm doesn’t always translate well through the written word, so be careful when you use it".

"Exaggeration and sarcasm were used in making my point, but no actual parents were injured in the making of this post."

"That is why I personally can not be totally against adoption, against foster care, think that kin-ship care is the only acceptable solution, and so fourth, because there so many variables involved in each situation".

"The solution has to fit the problem and real individuals involved, not theoretical formulas of the "right" answer for all."

"Biological, kinship, and adoptive families can all be equally detestable or admirable. As far as I can tell we're all just humans. That makes us capable of amazing things, both great and terrible."

"Bottom line: Be honest, ask for what you need, and if it isn't possible, WALK. I feel more liberated already."

"First of all, it’s 2011, so I’m changing the font. Fuck yeah."

I am still coming to grips with it all

2011-01-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

In a recent post I talked about bringing up to my bio mom the possibility of her telling her family about me and have since done so through one of our regular emails. In this post I'm going to share an edited portion of my latest reply to her reply to me. I personally find it very interesting and insightful when I get the opportunity to read other people's reunion communication so I share this here with the hope that it may help someone else to see a different perspective and approach. Also, in including her brave and very honest words about how it feels as a woman who relinquished and did expect confidentiality, I am providing proof positive that this scenario does exist even though some first/birth/bio moms try and convince us all they do not.

I believe it's important to acknowledge all points of view, to think about the many ways people feel about adoption.

To deny those who feel differently is to deny our own unique feelings and experience.

My reply....

Morning (bio mom), thank you for this mail. It just feels so honest and real, and I appreciate that. I certainly appreciate your last sentence, "remember I traveled to _______ forty-eight years ago to keep this secret and expected it to remain that way. I am still coming to grips with it all."

It's easy for me to forget how we're both coming from different perspectives, perspectives we can empathize with each other about but never really truly relate or know how the other feels. I like to know how you're feeling and appreciate you telling me. I hope it's of interest to you to know how I feel too, and that it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. I am encouraged to know that you haven't entirely ruled out telling your family and that it's possible given the "right" moment. Like I said in the other mail, I know for sure I'd want to know. Also, if you think about (bio mom's daughter's son) and (my son), they are both only children. I wonder if we have the right to keep secret the fact they have a first cousin in each other. Haha, it would be much more interesting as far as (bio mom's daughter#1) and (bio mom's daughter #2) are concerned if I were a "dude", that they'd have a brother and not another stinkin sister.

I won't badger you about telling your kids. As you know, I respect the position you are in in all this, and it's really your best interests and well being that are most important to me. I don't want to cause you extra stress or to worry.

You know what I think about it all so there's no need for me to bring it up again. Thank you for discussing it and if there's anything I can ever say or do to help you in coming to grips with it all, I hope you'll let me know.

You're raising your child's child and you wish you weren't? Bullshit!

2011-01-02T11:52:00.000-08:00

An anonymous comment by an alleged grandmother is making the rounds lately. The reaction to what she said shouldn't, but does, surprise me. The following is my comment to the first post I read regarding this.

I actually think it's kind of funny that you posted this. It screams of what's wrong in pressuring women to keep babies because they "ought to". This grandmother is raising this child. You speak of enabling, seriously, talk about having no "real" choice. What should she do if the child's mother doesn't step up to the plate? Tough love? Ignore the child? As if. Grandma has every right to resent having to raise a baby she didn't have or make the choice to raise. The baby has the right to be raised by people who don't resent raising it. Sounds like the mother HAS completely abdicated her responsibility and the child is being made to "suffer such rejection simply for convenience", right in front of it's face. Thank goodness for this grandma who obviously thinks about the situation plenty, likely every day.

Boy, I sure wish I'd have gotten to watch my mom leave it up to my grandma to raise me. That'd be so cool! Maybe I'd even be able to tell that grandma was pooped and wishes I wasn't her responsibility, even though she loved me so much that she enabled mom to keep me....sorta, kinda. I mean, it's obviously better than being loved so much I was given way, right?

The big issue with anti-adoption activists is that the alleged grandma said, "I’ve basically been the parent, and while I adore my grandchild, had adoption been the choice, I know it would have been the best one for this child". They protest, how could she know?!?! It's obvious she can't know for certain, but maybe the grandma happens to know people who have adoption situations that are better than the situation her grandchild is in, people who are just fine with having been adopted, like me. Or maybe like my sister. Or like countless other adopted people who are fine with having been adopted. Or just maybe she knows her own reality better than all those speculating on what she thinks and feels!

On another blog, (big surprise) anti-adoption people are calling "fake!!" on a person who has a different life experience and as a result has a different outlook. Perhaps she should have instead just found the highest building around to jump off of. It never ceases to amaze me how some people who feel so dismissed can't wait do it to others.

Are you all saying you do not believe a grandparent might wish the grandchild they are being forced to raise would have been adopted into a good family? Even if this particular woman isn't real, do you really imagine there aren't people who feel this way? Here's a comment I found elsewhere,

I raised my granddaughter till she was 5 because my adopted daughter had mental disabilites.I had enough energy to raise her and did not crawl into bed exhausted. The problem was that my friends did not have any children and there were no children on the street. I was my granddaughter's playmate.I was able to afford daycare so she had socialization with children her own age.I did not receive any financial help.I worried about my mortality and did not want her to find herself parentless in her teens or early twenties. I loved my granddaughter more than life itself and I wanted her to have parents and siblings that could be there when she graduated, got married,had children etc so I placed her for adoption.I see her 4 times a year for 2 hours.There is no law that protects this visitation.The government needs to start providing financial support and caregiver relief to grandparents.Ontario needs to legalize open adoption to protect visitation of the child.

Oh wait, that was from an evil adopter, not a blood relative. So she won't count. Let's consult this website on Kinship care found here

Wtf is the compassion for people who find themselves in this predicament? The empathy? And what about the contradictions? How it's always twisted to suit the anti-adoption agenda. One minute old people shouldn't be raising kids and love isn't enough. Only the natural mother will do!! The next minute, if it's convenient to the argument, old people are just fine, if they're blood related that is.

But...but..the grandma didn't give birth to the child! How can she possibly be enough?!

With the premise of the primal wound theory, it would apply in kinship situations too. Problem here is, not only will the child suffer a primal wound, it is also being neglected by it's natural mother and being raised by an old person!

Seems ridiculous, I know, but these are just a few of the contradictions in this discussion.

Personally I think grandparents who are ready, willing and able to raise, AND ARE CAPABLE of raising, their kid's kids and do so deserve medals. I do not however believe grandparents who can't, do not want to, or are and resent it and wish their grand kids had more then they can offer, deserve our scorn. Grandparents deserve to be grandparents, to enjoy their grandchildren as well as their senior years. When they don't get to because of things their kids have intentionally done or are doing, at least let them comment about it anonymously without vilifying, presuming, and judging.

On a parting note...I shudder at the thought of having been raised by my maternal grandmother. Gawd.

What to do if you wake up with out a hangover

2011-01-01T07:49:00.000-08:00

It's 2011. At first it sounded funny but now it's just rolling off my tongue, like nuthin. It's seems it always goes like that, kind of like with age. With age I start preparing well ahead of time, practicing the new number a few months before the looming birthday so that when it comes it feels just right, no shock 'n surprise.

I'm enjoying this new year morning. I do not have a hangover, and it rocks! Had a nice evening with my husband, chowed down on the biggest lobster tails I've ever had in my life. In fact, I have a small piece left over to treat myself to today. Mmmmm. It was fun to watch Mr Campbell enjoy the hell out of the food I whipped up, for sure more enjoyable to him than my Martha Stewart turkey I romanced. Turkey is good, but crustaceans are the way to that man's heart.

I think about past New Years Eves, usually only the prior year's and one from what seems like a million years ago. If I were to guesstimate, it was likely about 30 years ago! I think it may have been one of the first times I didn't "have to" babysit on New Years. The memory is of friends from that time, waiting for cabs, and watching a particular friend from Montreal freeze his fashion conscious ass off while doing so. Hey, we warned him! By the time this guy moved back to Montreal he was sporting moon boots and down filled parkas. The cold will eventually win over vanity every time.

Maybe temps of minus 30's with windchills have got something to do with me being thankful. Perhaps those of us who experience hellish cold are just happy to be alive. Our furnace groaned and stopped working last night only to be fixed within a few hours for under $200. Now THAT'S a happy new year's eve! Ahh there, it just kicked in again : D

I don't make new year's resolutions. I have in the past, only to fail. I do much better when I resolve to do something in the moment. Unless of course it's a hangover. I don't know how many times I've resolved to "never drink again" only to forget in the moment, when "perhaps there's time for just one more". Always seems like a perfectly logical thing to do at the time...but then again, after a couple of drinks, everything I think of to do seems perfectly logical at the time.

For those who have stumbled here who do have a hangover and are looking for a cure, a few things I've done in the past that help or I've seen help others.

A can of cola. I have a friend who must have this, and I've felt the need myself to down great amounts of Coke or Pepsi.

Milk. I know for some the very thought will make them hurl but for me, it's always a saviour. I love milk! It's my preferred beverage with anything. From salt and vinegar chips to pizza and homemade chicken noodle soup.

Chicken noodle soup! With tons of black pepper. What a bonus if I happen to have some of my mom's homemade chicken soup on hand when I have a hangover! Lace it with extra pepper, pour a big glass of cold milk, chow down, grab an Advil, then go back to bed. Doze off and on watching a The Real Housewives of somewhere marathon, and all will be well by afternoon early evening.

Some swear by something greasy, like a big juicy hamburger or fried bacon and eggs. I've done this too, but for sure would do soup if there was a choice.

Are you a little hungover? What are YOU gonna do about it?

In our blood

2010-12-28T10:48:00.000-08:00

So I've just finished sending my bio mom a long email describing my Christmas. I had sent her a very short Merry Christmas email on Christmas Eve as I had no time at all to do anything more. Things were VERY busy for me up to boxing day and for the last 2 days my husband and I have been couch/bed potatoes, eating leftovers and taking naps. No desire to write or read emails, do facebook, or really very much computer related activity.

I know I'll get an email back that outlines what she and her family did over Christmas and I look forward to reading it. In my mail I relayed every single thing we ate for dinner and hope that she shares the same info. To me it's interesting to hear about the cultural differences between my family and hers, yes, white Canadian people have cultural traditions too. There are family traditions that I still observe, certain foods and rituals I grew up with that I consider mine, even though I am adopted, not REALLY part of my family. I don't think that tradition or culture is as much in our blood but rather in the familiarity of routine, of doing things that hold memories and/or meaning, actions that remind us of people and times past.

My "reunion" is so unlike anything I read about online. The things people advise to say or to never say are completely wrong in my circumstance. I truly believe if I said how much I love my bio mom or how much I wish she'd never given me up, she'd go screaming for the hills. Maybe these are the kinds of things that are "in our blood". Things like pragmatism and acceptance of things as they are. If I had said those things, I'd have been lying.

One thing I do want to bring up eventually is her telling her kids about me. I want to tell her that if it were me, I would want to know. I would want to know if I had a half sister or brother out there. That I wouldn't be threatened by them, that I'd feel secure in my place in my parent's heart. No "new kid" could diminish me and what I am.

My wanting to tell her this is not because I have a burning desire to meet my half siblings. I would meet them, I get how it might be interesting and how the possibility exists that we could have things in common, that we could end up good friends, but it's more about them, and their right to know. It's about how I would feel if I found out my mom had kept such a secret from me.

But then, who knows these people, these half siblings, better than their mother? It will be her choice to make, I will never force the issue. It's her family, not mine, and I'd be right pissed off if she butted in on my family against my wishes.

But like me, she likely would never. It's not in our blood.

For mothers who have lost a child, an invitation to share

2010-12-22T16:13:00.000-08:00

Ever since I wrote this post I've had people arriving on my blog looking for real answers on what to do for moms who have lost a child. They are increasing in numbers as we inch close to Christmas as the question becomes "what to give mothers for Christmas who have lost a child".

Normally, as in searches on headstones, I feel kinda bad for a minute and then carry on with my life but this is not sitting well with me. I've been there supporting a woman, who just happened to be my mom, that had lost her child, her only boy, her youngest, to a sudden death at the sickeningly young age of 38.

It's impossible to know what to do, what to say, how to deal with Christmas and other holiday times. I don't have the answers, I'm sorry.

What I can do is offer personal thoughts and ideas. I can share respectful, helpful comments from others who have "been there", either as a mom who lost a child or as one who supports a mom or dad who lost a child.

There are two things that stand out in my mind that are concrete things I did for my mom. The first is a poem I sent my mom that suited our circumstance, her relationship to my brother, to me, her life philosophy.

The second is specifically gift related. Growing up I quite often would buy my brother's gifts to my mom or let him go in on gifts that I had purchased. It was no secret, and likely not that uncommon a thing for many siblings to do.

On the very first gift giving occasion after my brother's death I signed the card with my gift to my mom from myself and from my brother, just as I'd done many, many times before. I did it only the once after he died and for us it was just the right thing. My mom was very touched and got why I had done it.

I did it because he is still and always will be a part of us and I know he would care very much about my mom at these times and it was once again like I was doing something for him, for my mom, that he couldn't do himself, but would if he could.

I'm going to ask my mom what she would tell someone to say to or do for a mom who has lost a child, at Christmas or anytime and will put it in the comments.

*edited to supply this link

A question for adoptees or those "who know one"

2010-12-14T16:16:00.000-08:00

Just read how it is common occurrence for adoptees to wait until their adoptive parents die before they search for their biological people, their biological identity. I am aware this happens, even "know some" adoptees who did. They're all *ahem* much older than me of course.

Neither my sister or I waited for our adoptive parents to be dead. Most adopted people who have blogs that I read did not wait until their parents were dead. They discuss the issues involving their adoptive parents that come with searching and reunion, things like guilt and pressure, parental insecurity.

Many blogging mothers who relinquished talk about having issues with their child's adoptive parents. That wouldn't happen if the adoptive parents were dead.

It brings me to my question, well, questions.

Did you wait until your adoptive parents were dead before searching for your biological people?

If you're a mom who has a child who was adopted, did your child wait until their adoptive parents were dead before searching?

Hey, if you're an adoptive parent and you're searching on behalf of your child, it means you're not dead! Feel free to chime in as well.

NO PARENTS FOR YOU!

2010-12-12T05:16:00.000-08:00

So you're conceived and it's not a good thing. People are freaking out, what are they gonna do? I can picture an entire scenario, worrying about being pregnant and then finding out one is. There are other reasons parents and babies are separated but my guess is for the most part, it's an unplanned, unexpected, and unwanted pregnancy.

So anyway, back to you, you who have been conceived without intent. The people who conceived you do not raise you and you go live with someone else. These people may or may not have other children, in any case, you are raised by them as a ward, they are your guardians. Not mom and dad, just, oh I don't know, Mr and Mrs maybe. Perhaps you are on a first name basis. It's obviously better this way because if some day you meet your mom and dad, it will make them feel better to know you hadn't ever called anyone else mom or dad, had no familial feelings toward anyone else.

It wouldn't be that big of a deal at parent days, or Christmas. It would help with those nasty family tree days at school. You wouldn't be expected to fill in your guardian's roots, you could fill in those of your mom and dad who you don't know or know very well. It may be a small tree with only two branches, but so what? Charlie Brown had an ugly, spindly little tree and he was still able to understand the true meaning of Christmas.

If your guardians had other children that were allowed to refer to your guardians as mom and dad, well, could make it awkward for you but it would be worth it. Your real mom and dad would be sleeping easier at night just knowing you weren't diminishing their role in your life. You wouldn't be going around pretending you actually knew your parents as that would be terribly unhealthy, fog inducing, fake. Unnatural.

I know by now you're only 5 or 8 or 10 years old but there really is no need at all to have a life long legal bond to these guardians who act like parents. You already have a heritage. It would not be good for you to think of the people you actually know as mom and dad.

What's that? You feel like your guardians are mom and dad? Hmm I was afraid of this happening. I wonder what should be done now. We could always move you somewhere else, perhaps it was a mistake finding you a permanent home in the first place. Now what? You don't want to move somewhere else? But we can't have you actually bonding with people who aren't blood related, you already got to bond with someone. Only one bond per person allowed in this life.

Now give me those Christmas stockings you made that say Mom and Dad in glitter. Yes, they are very pretty. We'll put them away for you until you meet your real mom and dad. When? Hard to say.

Maybe when you're 47?

For mothers who have lost a child

2010-12-04T06:37:00.000-08:00

I just read a post over on Susie's blog. I commented but decided to write a post on the subject myself. I've talked about this before either in comments and/or posts, but whatever, I think it's important. You can take it, and I know you will, in whatever way you want. Some will be hurt, some will be offended, some will be triggered, and some might just hear and take what I have to say to heart.

Understand it's said with the best intentions, with your alive and present children's feelings in mind.

Here's what I said to Susie.

You know, what I've found in life Susie is that nothing ever stays the same. Yeah, it doesn't necessarily always get better but it also doesn't always get worse.

I guess what I would say to you is accept this less than rosy time, which you appear to be, and know that there will come a time, a day, a moment that will fill you with happiness or excitement or some other feeling that's good.

In the meant time, be careful not to let those you do have in your life, your raised kids, feel like they're less than Christopher. That they aren't enough to make their mom happy at Christmas. That the family you actually do have isn't good enough.

I'm sorry it's this way for you, and even sorrier for your kids if they know it.

I come at this from the point of view of an alive and present kid, albeit an adopted one who is in contact with her bio mom. I am also the daughter of a mother who has lost a child to death, her baby boy, someone whom I myself miss dearly. My little brother.

I know what it's like to be here and present and it just not be good enough.

My mom doesn't do it anymore. She doesn't make me feel this way, this frustrating mix of hurt and compassion. Compassion for a woman who has lost her child but yet hurt by a mom who can't be cheered, who doesn't embrace what she has left, can't be thankful for at least that.

When my mom did make me feel this way, I eventually told her. It was not when my brother initially died. I, being a mom myself, knew how devastating this was to my parents. I'm the one who had to tell them.

I've been there for my parents really forever and in this things were no different, but after a while it got to a point where it just felt wrong. I was here, my son was here, why were we now no longer enough to bring joy or pleasure? When would we become enough again, the way we were before my brother died? Maybe we just never were as important as he was but I'll be damned if I were going to carry on "being there" for someone who I wasn't good enough for. I missed my brother very much too!

I've come to realize that this conversation can evolve into a discussion on "what's worse", although in my mind there's no comparison. If you feel the need to go there, be my guest, but as a mother of one and the daughter of a parent who has lost a child to death, you'll never convince me it's worse to have a child alive and well that you don't see or talk to enough than to have a child that breathed his or her last breath. That there's no hope for reuniting, no hope for a hug or a touching of hands, no possibility of hearing their voice or even reading an email they've written.

That's not what this post is about though. It's about us, the kids that are still here. Your children who call, who visit, who care, who feel so badly for your loss. Who love you, are dedicated to you, and want you to be happy with what you have. Us.

We know that we can never be or do enough to take away the pain. That this person, who we may love and miss ourselves, holds a power to change the way things were, the way things should be, just by their very absence.

As a mom, I get it. I feel sick at the thought of losing my son. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like. I am so so very sorry for any parent who has lost a child.

As a daughter, I implore you to think about what you still have, and embrace it.

edited to supply this link

I don't know. Would you like me to help you find the answer?

2010-12-03T04:37:00.000-08:00

Pet peeve: People who refuse to say, "I don't know."

I don't know about your workplace, but at mine, this happens all the time. It makes me nuts. Soooo much time is wasted. In my experience, there are two ways this usually goes. Here's the first way.

I ask someone a question. Next thing I know I'm stuck listening to this someone talk for an extended period of time, going on and on saying everything BUT the answer to my question. In a work scenario it's not always the easiest thing to disengage from once I finally realize this someone doesn't have a hot clue how to answer my question but just can't bring them self to admit it, to just say the words out loud, "I don't know". Now this is a waste of time, something the non answeree seems to have way too much of, but it's not usually that detrimental. These people are put on the "to be avoided" list when a question needs to be quickly and efficiently answered.

It may sound like a non issue to you, but if one is just looking for some computer paper and it turns into a half hour long discussion that ends with you being just as paperless as you were when you set out to find some, it's friggin annoying, especially if you're in a hurry.

The second way is much more damaging. It's the people who cannot bring themselves to admit they don't know, or don't even know they don't know! Maybe they're new and trying to hide the fact they don't know yet. Quite often these people are in a position of support, providing guidance to the rest of us on actions like purchasing or hiring while navigating their way through ever changing rules and procedure. I get that it's not easy, but, it's their job.

These people can be asked if they're sure the information they're supplying is accurate to which they'll look you right in the eye and answer, yes.

Uhhm..you're sure?

Yes.

Ok, well, I guess you'd know, but I was just told something else by another person in your department. You're 100% positive on this?

Yes.

Hmm...weird. Ok. Well, alright. Actually, I looked on the web page of the department we're talking about and it says this, which is different than that other answer you just gave me. What about that? Are you positive about that also?

Yes.

Wow. Ok. Now you've got me wondering if I should just contact them myself, this all seems a little contradictory. I don't want to make a mistake here...

You can't contact them.

Huh? You sure?

Yes.

So, you're saying I just have to rely on what you're telling me even though I have information that says the opposite.

Yes.

Allllrighty then....I'll be off. Uh..thanks.

You're welcome.

If you're reading this at work or before work, take a minute to practise saying it.

I don't know.

See? Not so bad, right? It's not that hard and in most cases, more helpful to admit it than trying to hide it. And if you get really good at saying it, you can always add to it. Yup! I'm not kidding, and it's not that tough to say either. It goes like this...

I don't know. Would you like me to help you find the answer?

....and I'll take the high road

2010-11-30T16:22:00.000-08:00

So, I'm a woman who chose a bad father.

I really should have known, likely did know, but by the time it "was time" to have my first child, I went ahead and had one anyway. I'd always wanted children, always. Not unlike many other little girls, my plan was to have a baby without being married and my particular plan to accomplish that was to adopt. It only made sense. I didn't want to get married and I am adopted so, it was obvious.

When I decided boys weren't so bad, my plan changed. I still wanted a child but getting married was now appealing. I met my son's father, went out for 3 years, got married, and had my son 3 years after that. Before "settling down" I went out with ~~more than~~ my fair share of guys, had my own apartments from a young age, sowed my wild oats, if us girl types can do that.

I admit I had concerns before I actually said my vows, but, went through with it anyway. When it came to baby making time, my son's dad started to hedge. He knew from day one I'd be wanting kids, he had insisted on getting married in the Catholic church for his parents, so I told him flat out if he wasn't willing to have kids now, I'd see what I could do about getting our marriage annulled. I still have no clue if that would be grounds or not, but no matter, it did the trick. We tried once, I was preggo, and I had my son. Simple. Yet not.

While I was pregnant, my son's dad enjoyed the thought of becoming a dad but wasn't having any of the responsibilities that went with it. I managed to convince a friend of ours to help with the nursery reno, nothing big, just something that would indicate we had a baby coming. It was also sweet for my husband to have a personal designated driver. When I had my son his dad tried to get away with not telling anyone he'd been born, no hospital visitors, not surprisingly my parents would have nothing to do with that. I remember my dad saying there was "no chance in hell" they'd not be coming to the hospital to see their daughter and first grandchild.

My son's dad clearly loved our son from the minute he was born. He was a very good baby dad, no problem feeding, changing, bathing, playing. Unfortunately at this time though, he wasn't a great husband. Good dad, crappy husband. Sucks to be me.

I'm a firm believer in not making adult's problems kid's problems. If things got out of hand between my husband and myself, I would remove my boy and I from the situation. When my son was very small, I tried to discuss ending our marriage with my ex but he managed to be remorseful enough and make just enough promises to change but it never happened.

I remember daydreaming about being out of the marriage. I'd look at new apartments being built in our neighborhood and ache to be gone, be done with the day to day angst and stress I lived with. But how could I? I had picked this man. Nobody had held a gun to my head to marry him, to have a baby with him. I had become extremely adept at protecting my boy from the fights, the anger, my pain. I attended everything I wanted to attend with only my son as my date, I played all my sports with my boy in tow, I worked opposite shifts to avoid daycare until he was in school full time. The good of an intact family still outweighed the bad.

And then he started to grow up. I had already made the decision to have no more children with this kind of father. It was clear to me what I'd done, the problem now was it was also becoming clear to my son what I'd done. What he was seeing wasn't yet what a poor father he had but rather what a poor husband his dad was to me, his mom. I could no longer hide Christmas being miserable or explain why daddy wouldn't help us with a flat tire. How do you explain waiting for hours on Easter to hunt for bunnies because dad is still in bed? How do you tell a child not to defend his mom when dad is screaming as he drives? When he's swearing and name calling because the door isn't unlocked as quickly as he'd like it to be?

It wasn't an easy decision. I remember the day I went to tell my parents I was leaving my marriage. I can honestly say I was very surprised when they told me that they were surprised I hadn't done it years prior. I remember the relief because I truly felt as if I'd failed, that they would be disappointed in me.

We made the decision to split when my son was 12. After deciding, I remember living as a couple for the few months until school was done for the year. I remember the day we told our son, how frightened I was, how sad he was initially, how quickly he appeared to get over his immediate reaction.

I got to work finding a place to live right away. I included my son in all of my apartment hunting. There was one place in particular that was going to be within my budget that he was very opposed to. He had his reasons, they were valid, I kept looking. I was determined to find a place within walking distance to our house, the one he'd grown up in, and I did.

I gave him the big bedroom so he'd have somewhere to be with his friends. I bought him a new bed so his room at his dad's would remain untouched. His cat came with us even though it was against the rules because his dad "wanted it out!" I took no formal child support, deciding to leave it up to his dad to step up to the plate and contribute to our child's well being. I didn't want any more fighting, and took much criticism from friends and family but I didn't care. He was my son and I could do it myself if I had to.

It wasn't easy, but it was so much better. I took the highest road I possibly could. No child support, very little in the way of furniture or household items. One lawyer to serve us both in a legal separation, I didn't get an official divorce until years later, when I had to, and again with one lawyer to represent us both. No court, no excess expense. Custody was joint with me being the main caregiver. That I wouldn't have any other way. We lived close enough that our son could walk between homes as he desired, although his dad did try to force my son to visit fifty percent of the time, in case I ever decided to take child support.

My son's dad never once put our son before himself. He spoke badly of me to our son. He did nothing to make his and our son's time together enjoyable, something our son could look forward to. Eventually the only time my son would be at his dad's, in the home he'd lived his first twelve years, is when his dad wasn't there.

Now, he doesn't even do that.

After we left my extended family last week, my son and I were discussing the tragedy of these women and their children that we care so much about. We talked about how important it is to realize when the good no longer outweighs the bad. How important it is to think about what kind of an example we're setting for kids. How one can only sympathize for so long and then it just becomes pity and disdain.

I will forever regret choosing a poor father for my son. It kills me to see the hurt in my boy's eyes but I listen, I encourage, I understand.

I take pride in not being selfish and having more kids with a poor father in a bad marriage. I take pride in how I handled myself through divorce. I take pride in knowing when it was time to stop the madness.

I take pride in watching my son treat his girlfriend with respect, kindness, patience, and in knowing my son will be an amazing father.

Be grateful, because you should be.

2010-11-27T07:12:00.000-08:00

I've just spent time with women who chose to have children with men who are bad fathers. One has children who are grown and are helping their mom with the death of her husband, their dad. The other has three daughters, with the oldest being "almost 14". I know the parties involved as they're my aunt and cousin, two different generations of moms who for some reason refuse and refused to protect their children as best they can or could from fathers who are unwilling or unable to put their kids before themselves. As a result, NOBODY is putting their children before themselves. They refuse and refused to see the good no longer outweighs the bad, and didn't and won't do anything about it.

The women in my story are not evil. In fact, I love them both very much. My aunt is sweet...now. She wasn't always, in fact I use to look at her in horror when I was a child, wondering how a mom could verbally abuse beautiful, innocent little kids in the way she did when her children were young. Somehow along the way though she was able to turn this around, become a sweet, caring woman who I've been very fond of for many years. Maybe she just didn't like babies or little kids. No matter though, damage done.

My cousin is sweet, has always been. She lost her own father at a young age and luckily had a mom who was completely dedicated to her kids and grandkids. A mom who did all she could to raise 3 children on her own, and to me was a hero in how she coped with the many severe health issues that ultimately took her life, far too young. One would think that with a role model like this, my cousin would be strong when it came to her own children, she'd emulate her mother's determination and dedication to mothering, but no. She's weak, more concerned with keeping her daughters' father as her husband than how this "man" is influencing three little girls' view of themselves, and of the world.

It's strange to care about and love two people that I can have such disdain for. I watched my grown cousins console their mother and accept words of condolence from family friends.I heard the priest tell them how their father will be forgiven and cared for now by god, heard people tell them how great a guy their dad was.I listened to my grown cousin tell me how difficult it was to stand there and have people tell him what a good guy his dad was when he knew the truth, had suffered and still suffers from the truth.

I held my tongue as I listened to my cousin's daughter who's "almost 14" be told parents know best, that she was to listen to her mom and dad as they know everything. This little girl has the honour of being confidante to her parents, the privilege of knowing all the gritty details of her father's infidelity and mother's heartache and pathetic attempts to "keep her man". A little girl who wrote emails to the would-be mistress telling her to stay away from her daddy. A little girl who shed tears in my home when her dad sulked in the car because it hurt his feelings to be told it was uncomfortable to have him around so soon after he decided to fuck over his family, no pun intended. A little girl who is blessed to have as a father a man incapable of even sucking it up for an hour so his wife and daughters could enjoy a family reunion. A little girl with two younger sisters she tries to protect, who may also never know there's another way.

Both of these mothers had and have opportunity to leave these men who are a detriment to their children but chose and choose to stay. The effect on their babies is not as important as their personal desire to remain married to these bad fathers. To allow these men to influence their children in life and haunt them in death is cruel and selfish and not a way any parent should behave.

But parents don't always behave they way they should. If you happen to have gotten one or two that do, whether blood related or not, be grateful, cause you should be.

How can you, or why should you, trust a psychotherapist?

2010-11-22T04:36:00.000-08:00

I had been wondering how people who are in therapy can trust their therapist. People who've rarely, if ever, had anyone prove to them they were worthy of trust. They are in therapy because they have issues trusting others, so how do they become comfortable, trusting, enough of the therapist to achieve their goals?

I asked Dr. Jean Mercer at CHILDMYTHS about this and she kindly agreed to share her thoughts here with me so that I could share them with you.

How can you, or why should you, trust a psychotherapist? I know many people wonder about this, and although I can’t completely answer the questions, I want to make a few comments. Before I do that, though, I need to say that I don’t speak as a therapist. I’m not trained or licensed as a therapist. I do have a doctorate in psychology, so I’ve studied a lot of material connected to psychotherapy; I’ve been in therapy myself; I was trained and worked dealing with telephone calls at a suicide prevention center; and I led therapy groups under the supervision of a licensed therapists. So, I speak as somebody with some experience of the field, but as it’s not a main part of my professional life, I don’t speak of therapy as a person would who is deeply identified with that kind of work.

I understand the real confusion between the therapist as a professional helping person and the therapist as a possible friend. When we tell therapists our deep feelings, we can’t help being reminded of the way we’ve done this, or wanted to do it, with friends, and it can feel very strange when the process doesn’t go the way it would with a friend.

When we tell a friend our secrets or feelings, he or she normally responds in some predictable ways. If we cry, the friend might cry too, or at least look sad. If we tell what someone else has done to us, the friend will usually speak up and say that we were in the right, our attacker in the wrong. And often a friend will respond to our problem by disclosing something similar, or at least equally secret and disturbing, in his or her own life. All those things are comforting and make us feel as if we have been heard and can trust this friend-- trust him or her to empathize, to take our side, and to share secrets with us.

Friends also sometimes do things that are predictable but not necessarily what we want. A friend may be embarrassed or annoyed by our emotion and try to change the subject. A friend may accuse us of making up part of the story, or state that until he or she hears both sides of a conflict, there will be no deciding who’s right. A friend may say “that’s nothing, listen to what happened to me!”. Those things are not comforting, and we may decide that while we can trust that person to do just what they feel like doing, we can’t trust them sometimes to give our needs first priority.

Talking to a therapist can feel very confusing because the therapist’s responses are pretty predictable, but they don’t follow either of those friend patterns. Well-trained therapists have learned that they need to empathize enough to know what you feel like, but that they should not become so “enmeshed” that your feelings seem like their own. If the therapist was that engaged, he or she could not think rationally or objectively about what’s going on with you and what approach should help you most. In the same way, if you’re talking about a conflict with another person, the therapist may want you to get better at understanding the other person’s perspective, so he or she is not going to tell you that you’re right and that’s all there is to it.

And the therapist is not going to try to win your trust by disclosing inappropriate matters from his or her own life. Therapists have been carefully trained to avoid telling personal secrets, and know very well that the whole point of therapy is to concentrate on what is happening with you, not to talk about their own lives, unless their stories can make a point that will really be helpful to you.

In all those ways, therapists are not supposed to act like friends, even friends who are being comforting. And of course they are not supposed to tell you off for what you say, or to insist on telling their own story to you, so they are also not to act like the kind of friend who does a poor job of listening.

There are also a number of things therapists are not supposed to do and can get into a lot of trouble for doing, even though there’s nothing to stop a friend from these actions. For example, if a therapist thinks you’re pretty attractive, he or she is not supposed to ask you out. If you live in the same neighborhood, the therapist is not supposed to ask you for a ride home if their car breaks down, or to take care of their cat while they travel. Above all, the therapist is supposed to keep everything you say, and the therapist’s opinions about you, perfectly confidential-- not to tell anyone or leave your file lying around where others can see it.

When you pay for therapy, part of what you’re paying for is a guarantee that your therapist will not take advantage of your emotional distress to behave in ways that exploit you. Another thing you’re paying for is that complete confidentiality which is so important. If the matters you disclose to the therapist were spread around, you could possibly lose your job, your spouse, or your children. When you disclose your concerns and history to your friend, you assume they won’t tell-- but people who have not been trained in confidentiality can let things slip quite unintentionally and cause catastrophes that they regret deeply but can’t repair.

Finally, when you pay for therapy, you’re paying for the fact that your therapist has a better understanding of how people usually feel and behave than your friends usually will. You go to the dentist rather than your friend, because the dentist has studied what teeth are like and how they should be treated. Similarly, good therapists have studied both common and unusual ways people feel and act, and how to tell the difference between sadness over a problem and serious depression, or between poor social skills and schizophrenia. In addition, where your friend might say “this is awful, but I don’t know how to begin helping you”, the therapist has studied ways to talk to you and to encourage you to talk, and can consult with medical colleagues if medication may help you. Therapists also have been trained to understand how uncomfortable it may be for you to do the work of therapy and how much you may want to quit at times.

Naturally, I don’t mean to say that all therapists do good jobs, or that every therapist works equally well with every patient, or that no therapist ever makes mistakes or even surprising ethical errors. But I do mean to say therapists play different roles in our lives than friends do, and their training allows them to do jobs for us which our friends can’t do-- jobs they deserve to be paid for, and which they could not afford to do without being paid.

When people say they don’t trust their therapists, it’s possible that they should go to different therapists. But it’s also possible that they should ask themselves, “trust the therapist … to do what?” To keep our secrets in confidence? To know how our problems can best be helped? To persuade us to keep working when we feel like giving up? If any of those points are of concern, certainly a client should make sure before going on with that therapist, and in fact should talk to the therapist about the concerns. But if the question is, “can I trust the therapist to do what a friend does?”, the answer should be “no”. Therapists should not do what friends do, and if they did, this would be clear evidence that we should not trust them.

Jean Mercer
11/21/10

Tomorrow, tomorrow

2010-11-17T04:49:00.000-08:00

So I'm strolling through blogland this morning, sipping my coffee, and another post got me thinking. Thinking about something I've meant to post on before, but forgot. No, really, I forgot. Really, REALLY.

It's not so much that I forget, although it's happened. It's that I procrastinate. All. The. Time.

I procrastinate paying bills. Always have. When I was a young'n, it was a combination of lack of funds (due to going out dancing) and procrastination, but now, most of the time, it's just putting it off. I'll do it later. K, I'll do it tomorrow. Ah I should pay those bills today. Tomorrow. And, so it goes....

I wonder why I do this. I always feel a great sense of relief when I get something done. I know when I'm not getting something done that needs doing, it weighs on me. I know that the weight will be lifted once I take care of business.

I do it with work too. At work, like with bills, there are clear deadlines. I never miss a work deadline due to my own actions or inaction, but sometimes let it come down to the wire. I am VERY good under pressure.

Parties and entertaining I procrastinate EVERY time. I am always initially pumped to put on a party or host family events at my home, and I'm pretty good at it, but man am I busy at the last minute. All the planning and brainstorming gets done immediately, lists are made to buy this, clean that, make those, and then... nothing. I wait. I can do that tomorrow, oh and that, and that won't take me long, I'll do that later.

Then it starts to build up.

Oh man, I do not want to go in to the laundry room. Those towels have to be soaking wet from that dripping tap I haven't gotten fixed yet. I have to get that fixed! But those towels, oh they're probably gross from being wet. I can't do it without gloves. Tomorrow I'll get gloves for sure and get that done. I can't get anyone to come in and fix the leak with the way that room is, man this water bill is high. I'll wait until pay day next week to pay it since it's not due for two more days.

I remember talking to my son when he was younger about how we sometimes pretend that we forgot to do something and deliberately say, oh I forgot, when we know full well we didn't. I don't know how many times in my life I've said, I'll just tell them I forgot. It was cool because with my boy I could ask him which it was, did you really forget or just choose to not and say you forgot.

Oh crap. What time is it? If I don't get in the shower right now, I'm going to be late for work. Well, maybe I can have a quick shower and not wash my hair. I can do that later, or tomorrow.

Hey! Maybe then I have time for one more cup of coffee....

Lucky to have had you

2010-11-14T07:51:00.000-08:00

What I am is what my life has been. Some of it out of my control, some of it my choices, my decisions.

Being adopted isn't just something that happened to me, it is me, it is my story.

I was adopted. It is me. Maybe for better, certainly not for worse, it is me, it is my story.

I try and think about how things used to be, before I met my bio mom, before we communicated via email regularly. I remember not knowing, not fretting too much about ever knowing, feeling a picture would suffice. I'd always thought I'd like to see if I looked especially like anyone, to know what my bio parents looked like.

I remember the non identifying exchange of letters, how satisfying it was to know she was well, to see she felt the same as I did.

I think about all the times I was relieved to be adopted, to not be genetically tied to my mom's (adoptive) side of our family.

The following is an exchange between my bio mom and myself following our meeting in person.

Her: I just wanted to write you and let you know that I feel your parents did a great job raising you and your mom should be proud. You are a very pleasant and thoughtful person, which can only partially be credited to genes.

Me: I think I credit my awesomeness (you made my day with your words, thank you) to my dad and my genes, now that I've had a peek at them. I imagine it's not easy for non adopted people to understand the combination of curiosity and trepidation about biological background. I've spent my life thanking my lucky stars not to have inherited any of the "crazy" genes in my family so if I'd discovered my heritage was the same, if not worse, it would have burst my little bubble haha. Believe me when I say this, I've been the envy of many a cousin when family shenanigans went on. Them saying, is this what I have to look forward to? and me saying, phew! dodged that bullet.

As much of the nuttiness was on my mom's side, my dad would shake his head and say, "Campbell, all I can say is thank god you're adopted". I remember us talking and me saying, what if my biological people are whacko? He'd say, nah, they're not and I can tell just by the way you are. My dad was very proud of me, as I am of him.

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. I was just reading a post about a great grandpa/grand daughter relationship and I feel touched and happy for that grand daughter and I feel happy for my son, my father's grandson.

"Being related by blood doesn’t necessarily mean that you are close or that your natural family will be there for you or take care of you when the chips hit the fan." - Sunday Koffron

A comment too long, and likely off topic

2010-11-07T04:49:00.000-08:00

I was reading a blog I always read and started to comment and it got out of control. The comment grew long, it may have strayed from what my point was, and likely didn't end up relating properly to the post at all.
But, I like the comment, so am posting here. Take it or leave it.

I think I actually understand what you're saying here. It's this weird thing between wanting to be strong, sparing others what's really going on, protecting yourself from being viewed as damaged and whatever goes along with that, shame, embarrassment, but also wanting people to know it's not easy to not be a total fuck up in life, how much effort it takes or has taken. That what's going on on the outside is not what's going on on the inside.

I kind of compare it to doing the right thing or being honest when nobody knows about it. You want to do the right thing because it's the right thing, because it's good for our souls/spirits whatever to just be good and decent, take the high road for the sake of another BUT...we're human. There's a small part of us that wants someone to notice or care that what we're doing isn't easy, that we're going against what we feel like doing, what we would really prefer to do, what would be easier.

I think the key is to truly figure out how to just do it for one's self. How to get pleasure from not being a total fuck up in spite of all the reasons why we should be. That the pride comes from how we feel about our self instead of how we think we're impressing others in an "I'll show them" fu kind of way because what if they don't notice? Then it's all for nothing. If it's just for our self, we'll always notice, be impressed, be proud.

This is all easier said than done, but, it's doable. For me it's easiest when it comes to my son. I can do anything for him with no recognition. I sometimes wonder if people actually know or care how difficult it can be taking the high road in the breakdown of a marriage, but ultimately it doesn't matter. I know what I've done, for my boy, for me, and it helps me sleep easy at night, helps me look him in the face and see complete trust, total confidence in my dedication to him, that I am a safe place to land, no matter what.

Substitute

2010-11-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, there's something I have to do here on my blog. I've done it once before when a comment of mine was censored on another blog . In this instance I initially resisted commenting after reading an adoptive parent's comment(s) but ended up feeling the need to have my say when she returned to collect her accolades. My say was not accepted.

I imagine much of what I normally say appears to be in support of adoption and/or adoptive parents so when I say something strong in reaction to commentary by an adoptive parent it's surprising that it would be unpublishable by a first mother forum. Unless of course I utter the words anti-adoption-radicals and what I have to say is contrary to the reaction of said anti-adoption-radicals.

The following is my unpublished comment.

Oh Courtney, I just hope that your kids feel the same way as you when they get older. That watching you suck up to anti-adoption radicals makes them feel proud and that they'll understand "Adoptive
parents--no matter how hard they love or how much they try--will NEVER be a substitute for first parents. There is no "but if" to this matter. It is not the same."

Course it's not the same, but it can be as good or better and you won't be accomplishing that by treating them as if they aren't real, are less than your biological child.

I would be very, very hurt if I'd ever heard my parents say what Courtney said. My parents, adoptive, are my first and only parents. My biological parents are just exactly that, the people that conceived me with my mother giving birth to me. They all have their importance, their value, their influence, but my parents are my parents, end of story. As much as I'm enjoying getting to know my bio mom now, she will never be a substitute for my first parents. How could she be.

Nice to meet ya

2010-11-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

I didn't intend for this blog to be an "adoption blog". Funny how things go. In my stats it's one of the most common search terms.... campbellscoup adoption blog. Huh. Again, funny how things go.

On this 2nd day of November I've been perusing different real adoption blogs and checking out all the Adoption Month hoopla. I guess it's an American thang. I checked back in my blog to see when I'd first started to talk about adoption and the first post was in December of '09 which would explain how I'd missed this exciting month for all things adoption related.

I just reread my first post on adoption, and I still like it. I see how I used all the "wrong" words, things like chosen, special, selfless, healthy attitude, noble, gift of a child ( I still think of all children as a gift, no matter how they appear) and readily admit I was unaware of the unethical side of adoption, the money involved these days, that some mothers are coerced out of their babies and that not all adoptees feel like I do. I've learned quite a bit in just under a year.

From that post I met Lori, someone I consider an online friend. She let me have it in my very first adoption related comment lol. I've learned things from her and am hopeful she's learned something from me.

After a time I'd revisited that first post, and left myself a comment.

Having just reread my own words I feel much better. They are so positive and real, so untainted by suggestions that I am denying my pain, that my situation is sick or sad, that my adoptive parents did something wrong, that my birthmother was coerced and what she did cannot be regarded as selfless or necessary. That my feelings of love for my family and theirs for me aren't as good or real or natural as those of families that are blood related. Not for one second did I ever believe anything different, but it sure feels good to come back home.

I said to a friend today, "maybe I'm the only freak who's fine with having been adopted" after having read the words of an adopted person declaring they've yet to meet an adoptee who didn't have mixed feelings about being adopted.

Well, nice to meet ya. My name is Campbell and I'm an adoptee...with no mixed feelings.

"Victims and Villians" you say

2010-10-24T07:22:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite adoptee bloggers has a great, fearless post up. The following is the comment I left.

"the only two adults in the equation who hold NO blame are my adoptive parents"

Same for me Amanda. To read things like "no adoption is ethical" just pisses me off. If my parents hadn't adopted me, someone else would have, my parents did nothing wrong. My bio mom was not keeping me, even though she could have financially. As far as the father goes, there was no "father". It's a non issue.

I'm fortunate to have been adopted by decent people. My mom, maybe not the perfect mom for me but good enough, my dad, couldn't have been a better dad for me. I know I am fortunate. There are some real wackos out there.

Vilifying good people who've adopted, pathologizing adopted people, and stereotyping and/or making victims out of all parents who make the choice to place their kids for adoption irritates the hell out of me as do inferences like you describe here...

"I only love my adoptive parents because they've tricked me into doing so, that if I were really educated about adoption ethics, I would realize that "those people" are not my parents and even though they raised me from babyhood, they are nothing more than long time babysitters who I happen to care about."

I've been reading some blogs of former foster kids who'd have given anything to have had the life I did. These are the people my stomach hurts for, people who didn't have good or any parents, bio or adopted.

Great, fearless post.

What makes a good foster mom?

2010-10-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

This blogger tells us. What she has to say could apply to all adults in a position of raising, caring for or mentoring a young person. It's excellent info. The following is idea #2 but LT offers you 15 ideas in total using examples from her own experiences, and it's some of the best advice you're going to get all day.

Patience, Gentleness, Steadiness; but Firm Boundaries

I don’t believe in yelling at foster children and I actually do not believe in “tough parenting or tough punishment.” These kids have had enough “toughness” and hostility in their lives. I think of a good foster parent as acting similar to how the Taoist describe water. Water flows gently and peacefully, …but over time is so powerful that it is able to carve through rock.

Display gentleness, steadiness, and firm boundaries regarding what is appropriate and what is not. Set the boundaries early in the relationship. When the boundaries are tested, stand firm; not with hostility but explanation.
For example:

“LT, we eat at the table; not walking around the house because we don’t won’t crumbs everywhere. Come and sit down.”

“LT, we don’t condone you smoking. You can NOT smoke in the house. If you are going to smoke which is not healthy for you, you must smoke outside. If you smoke inside, we will take the cigarettes.”

“LT, sneaking out at night is NOT permitted. We care where you are and are concerned if you are missing. One more time and you will spend the next month of weekends with us cleaning the garage and helping out at the community food shelter.”

"No one deserves to be hated for who they are"

2010-10-21T16:04:00.000-07:00

As a child growing up in foster care I would have given ANYTHING for a home, a family, someone to love me. I prayed for it every single night. I still have a letter I wrote to Santa when I was 8 years old asking for a family. I didn't really believe in Santa as a child, but I wrote to him anyway in case he might be real.

This is an excerpt from a post I've recently come across that I thought was pretty amazing so I asked for permission to share it here.

Check it out on Percolated Paradox, a blog "On life, love, therapy and surviving foster care".

You haven't changed a bit

2010-10-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this to keep my thoughts fresh, whether or when I actually post this remains to be seen, but I'll know when I know.

I liked my bio mom. She and her family seem to be my kind of people, which feels good to know, that I come from good people. I asked her if her parents were nice to which she replied an enthusiastic yes, they were great and her mom was especially good and kind, someone whom everyone adored. This makes me feel very good for some reason. Maybe because I'd imagined they were harsh, religious monsters who'd have been ashamed of her and resented me, or both. I was wrong.

They didn't know about me, but they could have been told. They would have helped my bio mom, in fact they did, just without knowledge of what was really going on.

My nerves pre meeting were extremely hard to control. As I sat and waited for her to appear in the lobby I called my son to just hear a normal voice, to assure myself I'd not entered the twilight zone. I pictured myself in my favorite ocean spot as I often do when I need to calm myself, took deep breaths, and focused.

Our experience of first sight was different for each of us. I had the luxury of having seen ahead what she looked like, having seen what her family looks like, their names and ages whereas she knew little of me and only knew what I'd looked like as an infant. I've changed a bit since then.

When I got up to walk over to greet her my sensitivity to her feelings kicked back in and my nerves dissolved. I knew though that wasn't the case for her so I said a warm hello and asked if she'd like to sit for a minute before we went to my car, that I'd been feeling nervous and wouldn't mind just sitting for a second to calm down. Her face appeared grateful as she said she was feeling very nervous as well.

We sat for a time kind of consoling each other, looking at each others faces for resemblances, me trying to see myself, her trying to see anyone and everyone.
I can see that I will look like her when I'm older, she can't see much familiar in me except for maybe her father's side of the family.

We had a great day and were together for 8 straight hours that really flew by. She likes to talk, which was good because I wanted to hear her talk. I talked too and this was when she was able to see herself in me, specifically how I look at family, the things I think are important to do and not do. This also made me feel good.

She was very open with me about what happened, something I imagine most adopted people wonder about. This made me feel good too.

I was supposed to call when I got home, we'd had a couple of beers over the day and she was concerned about me driving. When I arrived home I got caught up in telling my husband about the day and kind of forgot about calling. The words she and I had spoken as I was leaving seemed sort of final, unless she decided to be in touch at some point in the future, so I wasn't even so sure I was still supposed to call. As my husband and I talked, the phone rang and it was her, checking to see if I was home, reminding me I'd said I'd let her know.

Before I went to bed, I sent one last email to thank her for taking the time to, and for going through the trouble of, meeting me, to apologize for not having called, that I'd enjoyed our visit. To tell her to take care.

When I woke up this morning I thought to myself, well, it's happened. You've met your biological mother, you're still special, and you haven't changed a bit.

Q & A

2010-10-16T05:55:00.000-07:00

So, I am wondering could kids that were raised with Mother's that placed a child for adoption grow up resenting them and thinking that they had the better life? This is what birthmothertalks asks here

It's an interesting thought.

As I said over there, I could see a young child being jealous of material things, in fact I think it's pretty normal.

Kids are notorious for saying, "but so-and-so has one" and "so-and-so's parents give them money for passing" and, in their lack of maturity when it comes to what's really important in life, can even wish they lived at so-and so's house. Of course when it comes down to it, they don't usually really mean it. I guess they might if the parents suck but that's something you certainly don't have to worry about!

This post really made me think about the reality of finance between the two families in adoption. I guess when we're adopted would have much to do with it. The amount of money my parents had to cough up in my sister's and my adoptions way back when was minimal. We were never rich growing up. Coupons were cut, no designer jeans, second hand hockey equipment, mandatory babysitting jobs, etc. so not impoverished but the purse strings were tight.

With the amount of money that seems to change hands nowadays in adoption, I would think the average person wouldn't necessarily be rolling in the bucks after, possibly even living beyond their means.

I think the only way kept children might be truly jealous of adopted kids might be for their newness, the novelty of them so to speak. Jealous of sharing their own parent(s) time and attention with the "new kid". Hey, in tact families have sibling rivalry right?

Picture this long lost child that mom and/or dad has been waiting their whole life to reunite with, a child who's never lied, stolen, skipped school, said I hate you.

I say, jealous of material things when they're little, possible. Jealous of parent's affection when they're older or grown, also possible.

And if your bio dad happens to be Rod Stewart...look out!

Some really great info for caregivers of all sorts

2010-10-12T04:51:00.000-07:00

“It’s a good thing for all parents to recognize that their job is to make themselves unnecessary,…”

I love this. I think it’s one of the hardest things to do as a parent, but one of the most important. It can also be one of the most rewarding if we aren’t afraid of letting it happen.

It's lots of information, some of which you may agree with, some that you may not but it's my feeling there's much that's helpful and most will get something meaningful from this interview

Urban Dictionary: cred short for "credibility". An ability to inspire belief in others.

2010-10-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

I'm the type of person who'll stop and think about what someone has said to me, even if I don't like it. I'll even admit I've made a mistake, although I'll hate that I've made one.

In the past while, I've thought quite a bit about the trauma in adoption. I've allowed myself to feel around inside for some of my own, have wondered if I'm "in a fog" as so many have accused me of. Not necessarily accusing me directly all the time, but also indirectly by avowing all adoptees suffer loss and trauma by virtue of being separated from their biological mothers.

I got to visit with my good friend the other night, we've been pals since grade 4. Although we'd talked on the phone about our last visit where we'd butted heads on an issue (Lord's Prayer in public schools), we hadn't seen each other in person. It reminded me of what I'd discovered about myself after our prior visit when we'd argued. That it bugs me when someone I think I'm like, someone who I respect and/or care about, doesn't think or no longer thinks the same way I do.

Another example of this was during the last US presidential election. I was all on the Obama bandwagon, rolling my eyes at the opposition, thinking who in their right mind wouldn't want Obama to win?! Well, I found out quickly there were people I enjoyed very much who didn't want him to win. I remember being surprised, shaking my head, and making a bet for drinks that "my side" would be the victor, and just dropping the subject...until I cashed in my winnings of course. Thing is, it kinda shocked me that this person thought the way he did, but it didn't upset me. I enjoy this guy and we have fun together, but I don't feel a strong need to be of same mind, have the same point of view, and frankly, now it would worry me a little if we did think the same way.

This wasn't the case when it came to my husband. Obviously I care very much about what he thinks and depending on what the issue is, I can not like it at all if we don't think the same way. Well, when it came to the election, it wasn't that he was on "the other side", it was that he didn't think it made that big of a difference, that they're all politicians and this wasn't some new great hope candidate, it was just business as usual, same old crap. After some fairly lively discussions (arguments) about this, we decided to just stay away from the subject. We cared too much about what each other thinks to have this type of discussion, to experience those, "are you nuts?" looks or have the faces we love frowning and eyes we love rolling at what our beliefs are.

To be very honest, it does feel a little like I'm betraying other adopted people who feel traumatized because they're adopted when I say I'm not, but, I'm not. I could say nothing, or say I'm traumatized too in an attempt to fit in, be a part of the cool kids, but I just can't do that. I can't do that because it's not real and it's my belief that if we aren't realistic about problems they can't realistically be improved or fixed.

When my son was younger and not feeling well I'd try and determine just how unwell he was feeling because it truly mattered in how we dealt with what was ailing him. If there was no need for medication, I didn't want to administer it. If we didn't need the doctor, what was the point in going? If it was serious, I didn't want to dismiss his pain only to have it become worse and more difficult to treat.

The measure of pain does matter. If it was fact that every adoption resulted in trauma the same way it's fact it starts out as trauma, I'd be all over it. I'd be right on board screaming in most situations it's unnecessary and wrong to do that to an innocent baby. That in most adoptions it's detrimental to the person who's been adopted. That most adopted people will be more prone than others to deviant behavior, more prone to becoming criminals, drug addicts, sex addicts, serial killers. But I won't say that, because it's not true.

I will say that accepting these tendencies as fact seems contradictory to me, contradictory to fighting discrimination and stereotyping. It's also insulting to me and hard for me to understand why it isn't insulting to all other adopted people. How is it any different than saying most mothers are teenage crack whores who don't deserve to keep their babies?

I am sorry to disappoint other adopted people by relaying my experience. If I thought it did anything to hurt the movement to reform corruption in adoption, I wouldn't relay it. Be assured that I do talk about what I've learned about coercion, loss of culture, the lack of real choice, the influence of economics, infringements of adoptee rights regarding their own information, and the very real sense of loss and abandonment some adopted people and parents experience.

My concern with the movement is the lack of credibility because of the "one size fits all or you're delusional" mentality. I think it makes it far too easy to dismiss the problems if they're not presented realistically with the least amount of sensationalism or emotion as possible. I know one of the biggest complaints is when people say "well, I know someone who's adopted and they're just fine" but like it or not, it's part of the equation. It's fact that sometimes adoption isn't the worst thing in someone's life, that it's not the big deal it certainly is to others.

To discount that fact is to jeopardize credibility and when you have no credibility, you have no trust, and if people don't trust the message or the source of it, the message is lost.

$#*! my mom says

2010-10-03T06:20:00.000-07:00

This post isn't about adoption but more about being confident in the role we play in our kid's lives. Parents can have their confidence shaken in all sorts of scenarios. They can feel threatened by teachers, ex spouses, step parents, babysitters, aunts, uncles, in-laws you name it, anyone who their kids seem to connect with. I've even seen parents be jealous of the other parent, with the family in tact. The example I'm using is adoption related because, well, I'm adopted and it has a tendency to come up, especially with the meeting of my bio mom looming large.

So, my mom asks me when my bio mom is coming, where she's staying etc. When answering I mention it's weird to call bio mom a name, that I've always thought of her as "my biological mother", that I'm trying to get used to saying her name. Well my mom, sigh, has to go and respond by saying, "well, call her whatever you want, just don't call her mom". Silence. Eventually I say, "mom, don't say that to me, don't tell me not to call her mom, if I wanted to, I would. If I did, it wouldn't have anything to do with you or your role as a mom". To which she replied, "well, I didn't even like it when your brother called his mother-in-law mom". So I point out how ridiculous that is. How I wouldn't give a rat's ass if my son called someone other than me mom.

I know what I am to my son, that what I've been and continue to be is unique to me. That I can't be replaced just as I can't replace the other people he has relationships with. I want him to have great relationships with other people. When his dad has a girlfriend, I want my son to like her, her to like him. I want him to have a close relationship with his future mother-in-law.

It's funny, it occurs to me that my parents called each others parents "mom and dad". Talk about hypocritical.

I think if we want our kids to value us and our role in their lives, we have to value and have confidence in it too.

If the shoe fits

2010-10-02T16:33:00.000-07:00

A few words to address a post I wrote last night.

I somehow managed to completely fail at what I was trying to say. I talk about the importance of how a message is presented and I go and eff up my own.

I think my mistake was writing in reaction as opposed to just writing.

Aahh freak out! Le Freak, c'est Chic

2010-10-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm freaking out tonight, reading adoption related blogs.

Bam! A poem that has the blogger declaring "Although the papers are gone, he knows that the name they documented is important, that it's the one thing that's truly his.
It's no different for my kids, or for any adopted person. What, for the love of God, is so hard to understand about that?"

For the love of anything, it IS different for me. My name, not the one my biological mother gave me at birth, is the name that's truly mine. I've had huge regrets ever since changing my maiden name upon marrying. My married names have never felt like they were truly mine, in my head I always thought of myself as my maiden name. I wish I'd thought to give my son my maiden name as his middle name. Maybe it's because I know my birth given name, a name given to me by a stranger, a piece of information that's allowed me to search for my biological family. Or maybe, just maybe, it's because I am not that name on my adoption paper. I am the name my self grew up being, the name with which I became the person I am. MY NAME IS MY NAME.

Bam! You can't discuss shit parenting with us because YOU'RE NOT ADOPTED! We don't care if you have a brother who's adopted. We don't care if you worry about sharing DNA with crappy parents. We don't care if it happened to you too because you're not adopted so you don't get it and we don't care!

Well you know what? Shitty adoptive parents have bio kids too and they deserve just as much consideration, as much empathy, as much advocacy as adopted kids! Being biological to brutal parents doesn't make anything better, and it could make it worse. Shame on adopted people for not allowing themselves, or each other, to acknowledge this.

Bam! Too bad some adopted people can't go on the info cruise because you need a passport. WHAT?!?! COME ON!! I've read this before, and I'm assuming this is a U.S. thing, that adopted people can't obtain passports because they don't have original birth certificates. Really? REALLY?!? I can't believe it. That cannot be true. If it were true, why in the hell is this not plastered everywhere??? Extra! Extra! U.S. citizens cannot get passports because they are legally adopted! And the U.S. sits in judgement of other countries and how they treat their citizens?

Bam! A blog post about first parents discussing their child's adoptive parent's ability to provide financially. A post about how it makes the adoptee feel bad for the first parents to point out the adoptive parents are better because they have more money. A blog post that doesn't question this behavior of the first parent, that doesn't explore the lack of culpability of first parents and THEIR ability to make the adoptee feel guilty, to feel bad for having more materially. No matter the circumstance, all parents should resist the temptation to rationalize the adoption in an attempt to make themselves feel better whether it be by pointing out the adopted person was better off financially or by claiming to be victimized by adoption agencies or adoptive parents. No matter the parentage, no matter the situation, it's got NOTHING to do with the adoptee as a person.

WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT!

I have to admit there's been one recent dialogue that's given me a few "whoa" moments. Whoa at the courage of some to speak up in spite of potential internet bullying and slander. I can't say for sure if these brave souls knew just what they may be getting themselves into but they found out quickly and they still spoke up. I almost typed they found out and still weren't afraid but I don't know that to be true. Perhaps, like myself, they were afraid, but spoke up in spite of it.

Cheers to those brave souls who speak up even when they're intimidated or worried about repercussion. To those that speak not to provoke reaction or controversy, but in the face of it.

Luck of the Irish...I'm Irish you know, in my biological background

2010-09-28T04:49:00.000-07:00

With the impending event of meeting my bio mother slowly getting closer, I find myself thinking about how it will play out. I've read about others meeting, from both sides, mostly mothers and daughters which is what my scenario is also. The majority don't seem to go that well, for whatever reason, hard to know for sure who's to blame, if there can even be "fault" laid on either party.

I told my sister the other day, "I know I have no control over this situation of meeting my biological mother. Don't worry, I have no real expectations, basically because I really don't know what to expect." and I mean it. I have thought over what's the best way to get as many questions answered as I can which lends itself to wondering, just what do I REALLY want to know? I think I'll write out a list. Maybe try and list the questions according to their importance.

Then I get thinking, how will I let her know what I'm like, if she's interested that is. Maybe I should bring her a copy of this or maybe that just TMI. Of course I'd leave off the part where I say I'm not my husband, female, and adopted as that should be apparent.

Another thing that's crossed my mind is the possibility of meeting someone very much like me, someone who I have no baggage with. I mean, it will be the person who gave birth to me but has never grounded or hit me. Never said no you can't go to that concert or made me wash a floor. Has never yelled at me, never made me feel guilty, never accused me of doing something I haven't done. Someone who's my mother but has never mothered me, a role we all know isn't just cookies and kissing boo boos. Uhh, sorry, but this has the possibility of being a very cool experience.

I used to go rollerskating as a young teen, mainly to meet boys. I would dream up scenarios of how things would go, who'd ask me to skate, how much fun I would have, and inevitably, at the end of the night when my friend's mom would pick us up, I'd be disappointed. Not because the night had gone badly, but because it could never have lived up to my expectations. It was then that I realized what I did to myself, how I set myself up to be let down, and started enjoying life way more.

Now I'm not saying there's something wrong with dreaming or being hopeful, quite the opposite, I am all for being realistically optimistic.

Having said all that, it'll be my luck to have taken after my biological father.

Open to interpretation

2010-09-26T14:55:00.000-07:00

One of the things that drives me crazy in blog land is when a comment that I think is relevant and on point with the original blog post gets lost in the crossfire of subsequent comments that zero in on some aspect of the relevant comment that gets under somebody's skin. I'd be surprised if I've never been guilty of doing this myself so this post is not to be critical of anyone but rather to highlight an important comment I came across today. I've been given permission to post it here and if the author wishes to make herself known, she may do so in the comments section here.

The comment was in response to the question What does it mean to be a healthy birth mom?

I've linked to the post because the question as it stands alone does not convey the context in which it's being asked and I think the motive behind asking the question is an important thing to consider when reading the comment I've posted below.

There are many of us who have already lived the majority of our “birthmother lifespan” and have come to very different places 40 or so years after surrender. I know your interest is in open adoptions, but many of us from the closed system are still alive and hope to be for a while, and you may encounter us in your therapy career.

My story is not so typical as those in the excellent book “Girls Who Went Away”, but it is similar to a small subset of activist birthmothers who came out in the 70s and 80s and have remained involved in adoption reform. I was never in denial or really in the closet, and I joined adoption reform search groups as soon as I heard there was such a thing. My child was very young. I searched as soon as the opportunity presented itself. I was furiously angry, radical, hated adoption. I even had an actual “Adoption Sucks” tee shirt.

In those days before the internet, we had in-person groups and lots of phone contact, as well as print newsletters. The peer pressure then was to find and contact your child as soon as possible, There was good reason for this, some found kids in dire circumstances and at least one in our local groups was just given back at age 12 because the adoptive father and stepmom did not want him! Some of these early contacts worked well, but others did not, like mine when my son was 16. This made me doubly angry at the adoption system, adoptive parents, the world, and most of all myself. There is a lot of self-destructive behavior among surrendering mothers, and I was right up there with that.

Then along came internet groups, and a new group of mothers who surrendered who had been in the closet woke up and came out. There was a disconnect between these lists and the earlier groups like CUB, and a lot of reinventing the wheel and ignorance of the history of adoption reform. As you say, there are definite camps with rigid ideology and a lot of peer pressure to conform or get out. On one side are the young “happy birthmothers” who are often shilling for agencies, on the other side, the anti-adoption groups, who see all adoption as one of the world’s greatest evils that needs to be eradicated. A real problem in these groups is the “Pain Olympics” where extreme suffering and pathology after surrender is seen as a virtue and proof that you really love your child. There is now a fad to claim Post traumatic stress disorder as a result of surrender, self-diagnosed and proudly proclaimed. It is way too easy to get stuck in a downward spiral in a lot of these groups that claim to be “empowering” but are actually taking power and healthy response away.

My personal journey I think got stuck in bitterness and anger for too many years, and this was reinforced by the groups I was in or associated with. There is a strong thread of “you can never get over surrender”, even a little, and it is seen as disloyal to your child or in denial if you do experience some healing or joy. Ambivalence? Yes, lots, and that is life-long, but I have also found a bit of peace when my son finally started communicating with me and I knew he was OK. Reunion really did help me a lot, although that is heresy to say in some circles. After so many years I am no longer grieving, the grief went on too long. My son is alive and well, not to be grieved. I will always regret giving him up, but I also take responsibility for my part in surrender. For me that was pivotal, to stop blaming everything on others and step up to the plate about my part. It did not kill me to do this, as some mothers seem to feel, but made me stronger.

In counseling mothers who surrendered, one size does not fit all, despite what some online groups would have you think. Really listen to the details of the individual mother and her story. It may indeed change over a lifetime, and probably that is healthiest, Some of the happy young birthmothers will become unhappy when they look closer, and some of the bitter old birthmothers will become more accepting and at peace as time passes and circumstances change. There is a saying “I have been through hell but don’t have to live there”. I feel I have indeed been through hell as a surrendering mother, but am no longer intent on staying there. I am now regarded as a traitor by some for not being anti-adoption, but would not be welcomed by the “rah rah adoption is great” moms either, because it most definitely has not been for me.

I do believe mothers are very different individuals, and that some truly do not want to parent and are content with the choice to surrender. I do not feel I can know another person’s true feelings or gainsay what they say about how they feel today. But there does need to be an openness to change, in either direction, and a respect for individual rather than lumping us all into a class and branding those who do not fit as “in denial,” “drank the koolaid” etc.

And now for something completely different

2010-09-20T04:48:00.000-07:00

Looks like I'll get to meet my biological mother. Pretty exciting. Kind of surprising. Slightly intimidating.

I say only slightly because I think I'm fairly likable. I have no great expectation, just hope for respect and forthrightness. I think my care for her situation will shine through as it's sincere. From what I can tell we share the same kind of pragmatic view on my being adopted so it should go all go fairly smoothly.

There's just one thing, one very important factor causing me huge trepidation. I'm not sure if I'll have enough time to get the situation under control prior to the date we've decided upon to get together. Call it what you will. Karma, bad luck, lesson in humility, payback for things I did in 7th grade.

See, I procrastinated, as usual, and waited until the last minute to prepare to go back to work after the summer. Part of my preparation is catching up on controlling my graying hair which I tend to let slide in the summer. Of course at the last minute my regular hair person was unavailable so I dashed out to wherever and got just anybody to wash that gray right outta my hair. Meh, it wasn't the best but the gray was gone, I was a happy enough camper.

In visiting with this stylist while being transformed into a woman half my age, I was persuaded to come back another day for a cut. I know you know where this is going.

I still have a few weeks to go before the big reveal, the big day, the weirdness waiting for both myself and my biological mother. I wish she'd ask for a picture of me so she could see what I look like, used to look like, should look like.

That is, what I looked like before I was 2 snips from a mullet.

WTF? WTF? WTF?

2010-09-19T06:55:00.000-07:00

I find myself suffering from PTSD this morning and I can relate it back to three things that I've been exposed to over the weekend with the first being an episode of Teen Mom I happened to catch last night while channel surfing.

It was a section in which one of the young couples are having another fight with their little girl in the room. The young mom is once again throwing the young father out of "her" house in front of their toddler all the while saying to the little girl "your father is leaving you again" while the little girl cries and at one point looks out the window in what appears to be an attempt to see him as he leaves. This young mom yells and swears the whole time without thought of her child, even when the father tells her to watch her mouth because the little girl is very present. Sickening to witness. Sickening to think of how this will all affect this child, sickening to realize this young mom has no qualms about or is incapable of controlling herself, even in front of rolling cameras. Is this tv program going to get these people counseling?! If they do, will these people take it and do the work? What I witnessed watching this show is child abuse and sadly it's possible the only redeeming factor is the show itself and the fact people are seeing what's going on in this child's life and may help stop it.
I can't help think about all the kids who have no camera crew in their home, no witnesses to the abuse they suffer, which bring me to the second thing causing my PTSD today and it's this sickening incident

Why do these people have kids?!? Why do people who suck as parents feel the need to have MORE kids?!?!

The third is also mind boggling to me. Just what are people teaching their kids? Are they teaching them anything at all?! What kind of examples are given to our kids?!?! What is going wrong ?!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot already. Must be the PTSD.

What's going wrong is PARENTS SUCK!!

Dear friend, so you're thinking of adopting. Want to talk about it?

2010-09-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

Dear friend,

This is what I'd like to tell you about the possibility of you adopting, so far. There may be more things I haven't thought of as of yet, but I don't want to forget what's on my mind now.

I don't think I need to ask you why you want to adopt. I think that's a no brainer. You want another child to raise. Do the reasons really matter? I guess they do if the reasons are to provide your son with a playmate or have someone to do chores in your home or any other frivolous or ridiculous reason unrelated to the actual love for children and parenting. Hopefully this isn't the case, for if it is, I'm wasting my time and energy talking to you.

I would like to ask you if you've truly thought about what it is you're planning to do. Have you researched with an open mind, been receptive to anything negative you've heard about adoption? Can you truly love a child that isn't your own blood? Do you have the time and energy needed for more children? Are you doing the best you can for the son you already have? What makes you a good parent?

Not all adopted people feel like I do. There are adopted people who hate the fact they were adopted. Some say they'd have preferred to have been aborted. How will you feel if your child resents having been adopted? I don't know the magical formula to raising an adopted child that is at peace with having been adopted. I don't think anyone does.

Do you know, truly know, that adoption begins with loss? There can be loss of dreams, of identity, of heredity, culture. For some there can be a loss of trust, self worth, and even loss of lightness of soul and spirit. That the loss can be far reaching to grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings. Can you relate to that loss without feeling threatened or hurt? Can you parent with confidence and the ability to recognize the difference between your child's confusion about, and reaction to, being adopted and the regular angst that goes along with growing up? Will you be able to embrace and value your children's unique personalities and needs? Will you know when to "blame" adoption and when not to? Will you know when to discuss adoption with your children? Will you even be capable of discussing adoption with your children? How will you go about it? Will you do things by "the book" you're given by an agency or social worker or will you be able to think it through and follow your children's lead or know when you need to take the lead? Will you understand and support any "need to know" your child may have? Will they feel sure of your love and commitment therefore comfortable to talk (or not talk) about everything adoption related? Will you expect them to be grateful to you for everything you've provided them with, materially and/or emotionally and hold it over their head?

Will you refuse to become involved in an adoption that may feel unethical? Will you be able to recognize a parent or parents who are giving you a child they truly want and can raise out of an obligation to "keep their promise" to you? Do you believe me when I say nobody should make the decision to promise their child to another person without having seen and touched their child? It's sad but true that parents go through with adoptions that are against their better judgment because they don't want to disappoint the adoptive parents they've come to know and care about. Do you know that at that point it's not about you but about the child and what's best for it? It's never best for a child to be given away when it's wanted and can be raised by the people who brought it into this world. Picture yourself being told you need not have been adopted, that you were adopted through shady, or worse, conditions just so your (adoptive) parents could have you or an agency could make some money. We can all picture these scenarios if we try hard. One shouldn't have to be adopted to understand how confusing this would be, how devastating finding out your life and what you've always believed to be true is a lie. Believe me, adopted people worry about their biological mothers and wonder if they're ok until they know, if they ever get to know. Don't adopt without a clear conscience. If you're unsure, be strong enough to just walk away, to put your needs second to a child's.

Do you understand what open adoptions are? Have you been honest with yourself about this and your ability to parent a child under that type of circumstance? Think about it!! It cannot be easy, there is just no way. Will you be able to deal with the jealousy? With the fear? With your child's jealousy and fear? Will you be able to handle your child's biological parents feelings if they're regretful or will you just cut off contact to protect yourself and your family? If you don't think you can do an open adoption, don't! If there aren't any parents who want a closed adoption, don't adopt!

I don't think you plan to adopt from another country. If I'm wrong, and you do, try and remember you are as Caucasian as they come. THIS WILL MATTER. There are people to seek out who are qualified to discuss interracial adoption, and being as Caucasian as you, I am not one of them.

I wonder if you've thought at all about foster care. I think about foster care, have always. I think I'd be a great foster parent, especially now that my son is grown. I cannot be a foster parent though, and it's really just because of one thing. My husband would not want to foster parent. In fact, neither would have my ex husband, my son's father. I could try and persuade, pull out all the stops and say I'd do everything, that it isn't important for us both to want to do it. Who knows, my husband could say ok to try and please me, right? But, it's not supposed to be about me. It's supposed to be about kids who need families, parents or a parent. Every child born deserves to have some kind of family, whether it be blood or not, but no child deserves to exist in a situation where they're resented or unwanted by even one family member, blood or not. I believe that someone who isn't initially on board with providing a home for a child without one, whether it be through foster care or adoption, can change their mind and eventually embrace said child but....isn't it too big of a risk to take that they won't ever? I wouldn't even force a pet dog on my family if they didn't want the responsibility, why would I do it to a child?

I am not against adoption. I am not against you personally adopting. I am against people not properly preparing themselves for the act of adopting a child, or for that matter, having their own biological children. Against them wearing blinders to the difficulties and the effort and sacrifice that is necessary to do our very best. It's not about you so it's nothing like entering into a shitty marriage or staying in one, it's not about the harm you could do to yourself not listening to warnings about smoking or overeating or driving without a seat belt. It's different when you're holding another human being's childhood in your hands, affecting their future by what you do in the present. We all ignore advise all the time, but please don't ignore what I'm trying to tell you here.

There are many things people try to warn and educate each other about. More often than not the effort is ignored and people either learn the hard way or never learn at all. Fine. It's your life and it's our right to mess up our own lives but it isn't our right to mess up an innocent child's life, biological or not.

My friend, please think long and hard about what you're doing because it's not what you're doing to yourself, not about how you will be affected. It's about our children and what they need, deserve, and have the right to.

Oh yeah, if you do end up adopting, make sure you get a copy of your child's original birth certificate.

Someday they may be an adult who wants it.

In my lap, in my face, and on my mind

2010-09-09T04:44:00.000-07:00

Someone very present in my life told me yesterday she and her husband are looking into adopting a second child. Their first child is 1 and 1/2 and they are the biological parents. We talked briefly about it when she told me and I imagine there will be more discussion. I am about 10 years older and she's asked for my thoughts on "things" from time to time so I'd be very surprised if we didn't have further discussion.

In our short initial conversation I touched on coercion, agency fact misrepresentation, the varying degrees of openness in adoption, and the cultural and racial issues of international adoption. I talked about considering how adoption could impact the child they already have. As she's already aware that I'm adopted and knows a fair bit about the dynamics of my family and knows I'm fine with it all, I made sure to let her know that there are other adopted people who are not at all fine with being adopted. I talked about adoption disruptions, asked if they were prepared to parent a child with FASD or other abuse related issues.

I have so many thoughts about this. I know so much now about adoption and it's problems. I also know there are children that need homes and having just babysat for this couple last night, I know they have a loving home to offer. Their little one is happy and smart, confident and calm. He is loved, secure and safe. Doesn't every child have a right to a shot at this? To be given the opportunity to at least try and fit in to a family? Isn't the alternative worse?

The alternative being....not trying? I don't want to dissuade them, but I have an obligation to share what I know, to do what I can to help them make educated decisions. To help them be honest with themselves. To get them to think about the other people who are affected in circumstances of adoption.

Hmmm...what are the most important things for them to know? To ask? To consider?

I will take any constructive thoughts and comments you may have to share to her, to them.

I could also just butt out.

Que demanderiez-vous prospective (prospective adoptive parents or guardians)?

2010-08-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

I was out with my son last night eating french food, drinking sangria, and listening to a jazz trio on an outdoor patio on a beautiful summer evening. I can't believe summer is almost gone...sigh.

My son's friend that had joined us was telling me how he thinks he might parent any future children he may have. His plan for discipline was to make it something physical, like holding a book with a straight arm for ten minutes. After choking a little on my Coquille St.Jacques I declared that sounds completely military, which in hindsight shouldn't be all that surprising as this particular young man has experienced some military training. We had a great discussion about it all but it stuck with me as I'd already been thinking about the types of questions that parents who've decided on adoption would ask potential adoptive parents, and just what exactly I'd ask someone to determine their philosophy on parenting. I guess you could even go further and apply this to people naming guardians for their children in the event of death.

It's clear that discipline is an important issue to me, I've written about my thoughts on corporal punishment a few times here. Childcare is also important to me. Just who exactly would actually be with my child. Would it be the parents or would they have to rely on some kind of constant daycare? Sometimes if you add up the hours of time spent with working parents, it's far less than with whomever is providing them with babysitting/daycare. And the quality of the time spent with the working parents? Not very high. People are busy and tired at the end of the day, not the best setting for talks and goofing off together.

Are sips of mom or dad's alcoholic beverage ok? What are the food philosophies of the prospective parents? You must eat everything on your plate? Are sleepovers allowed? Homeschooling, public or private? Should babies be left to cry, can they be spoiled by too much attention? Are beauty pageants on the agenda? What happens if the parents are married and split up or one parents dies? What are the prospective parent's feelings on introducing boyfriends or girlfriends into the child's life? What's the attitude toward extra curricular activities? Can a boy take ballet? Can a girl play hockey or rugby? Will you go to the games and would you volunteer to coach? Would I cringe and move away from you at your son or daughter's baseball game? How old should kids be before they walk to school alone? Is Halloween allowed? Would you buy or make costumes? Can your son have long hair if he wants? What age will you talk to your kids about sex? Would you help to provide birth control to your teen? How would you react if your child is gay? If your toddler bit someone, would you bite them back to show them how it feels? How do you think you'd teach your child not to lie? Is post secondary education a must in your mind?

I could sit here all day and think up things that matter to me in parenting. How does one best assess potential parents for, or guardians to, their children?

What would you ask?

This won't hurt a bit

2010-08-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

This post is actually a question.

I pose it to all but would especially love to hear from those who believe in the primal wound theory or from the people who have been touched by adoption that believe they suffer from PTSD. Yes, I feel it's perfectly acceptable to use the term "touched" as I've seen John Raible use it.

Since this question quite often pops up in my head when I read about all the ways adoption inevitably inflicts lifelong trauma and the resulting emotional issues on all those who experience it, whether they are aware of it or not, I thought I'd just go ahead and ask it here.

Are you for or against circumcision in infant boys? I imagine nobody is for infant female circumcision.

As always, feel free to comment anonymously if you have something important to say and are wary of any undeserved backlash from other commenters.

Sunny sky for our fair weather daughter

2010-08-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

So, in the spirit of being honest, I'd like to share a recent search event. For the record, being honest is something I take seriously whereas fun and interesting I'm aware is a matter of personal taste. Call me boring, but don't accuse me of being dishonest.

So in another rare moment of being alone in my home Monday I decided to try calling my biological mother's phone number again. It wasn't quite as frightening this time, mainly I think because I didn't expect her to answer. She did. It went quite smoothly actually. She let me know she was on the other line to which I replied I wouldn't keep her long, that I was just wondering if she'd received any of my messages. Turns out she had received my very first Christmas card and note and had replied via email, back in January. For whatever reason, who ever really knows what happens in cyberspace sometimes, I didn't receive the email.

To my surprise, she told me that she was planning a trip in the fall and had been considering stopping in my city, if it could work out that way. Huh...what?!?!? To say this surprised me would be an understatement. I replied that although that might be interesting, wow, she didn't HAVE to do that, meeting her wasn't what I was after, that I really just wanted to have some communication and some questions answered, to let her know I had no intention of outing her to her family or of showing up some day on her doorstep, that I'd done quite a bit of digging around on the internet and had found pictures, obituaries and other various online morsels of information about her and her family. Having not really expected her to even answer the phone you can imagine how the mention of meeting up out of the blue would be freaky...yes, *blush*, I think I used that word on the phone...sigh.

Ironically, I thinks it's irony, when I said I'd let her get back to her call, she told me it had been her daughter on the other line and that she'd hung up now. I gave her my email address again and she said she'd try it and I could mail her back if I got her email, which I quickly did saying I'd send another longer one shortly.

I wrote a mail outlining my attitude toward our whole situation, relayed some of the things I'd be interested in knowing, thanked her for making contact and described what a relief it was to me to no longer worry that she was worrying about me disrupting her life. I was happy to have been given the opportunity to explain my motive in initiating contact. I explained in a bit more detail what I'd found out about her on my own and told her that although I was surprised at the possibility of meeting her so soon, I think it's something I'd be ok doing.

So, there are the facts. I'd like to add a couple of things to this post, the first being she made it clear again in her short mail that nobody ever knew about me except for her deceased husband and she would like to keep it that way for now, although if her husband were still alive, things might be different. I reassured her that I have no problem with this and told her I have genuine compassion for her situation.

The second thing I'd like to mention is that when I sent her the second, longer email, I didn't hear back immediately. This left me wondering if she'd gotten either reply email. I waited two days to see if I'd hear back and when I didn't I sent a very short mail asking her to please let me know if she'd received them when she had a minute. I heard back almost immediately that she had and that's all her email said.

I see much written about mis-communication between reuniting biological parents and their grown children. I think it's important to give each other the benefit of the doubt. It's important to realize methods of communication (email, voice mail, snail mail) can fail and that we don't know each other in the slightest. We don't know each others habits or thought processes, each others moods or life experiences.

My plan is to remain patient, respectful, compassionate, realistic and honest. Is that interesting or fun? Not so much, I know, but hopefully it will serve me well in my journey as an adopted person who's possibly been given the opportunity to have my curiosity satisfied and perhaps meet the person who gave birth to me.

I'll take my comment elsewhere....and add to it

2010-08-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

The issue of "responsibility for the emotional welfare" IS a huge burden placed on children by parents, period. I agree that an adoptive parent could be more inclined to engage in this harmful behavior but no more so than a single parent, divorced parent, widowed parent, a parent who's experienced the death or loss of a child, or for that matter a natural/first/birth/bio parent or their damaged adopted adult children.

Since offspring have a natural tendency to "care" about their caregivers or parents (even if they're undeserving for whatever reason) it's very difficult to convince them their parent's issues are not their problem. If they're able to do this though, especially without severing the relationship with the guilty parent, it can be very liberating!

In my experience people (most of whom are biological parents raising or have raised their own or their partner's kids) who are prone to neediness and selfish ego driven behavior, when it comes to their children, don't want to realize what they are doing and why. You can tell them til you're blue in the face and most of the time they'll refuse to own and/or change their behavior. It always comes back to but.. but.. but, poor them.

When I speak of my experience I'm talking about real live people I know in real life situations. The reason I'm so aware of these circumstances is I become involved in them emotionally and/or physically. Sometimes it's from afar with there never being a possibility of me becoming involved or saying something but other times my "ear" is solicited with words of encouragement or advice to follow. Although I'd like to say that my "help" is, well, helpful it usually does no more than supply a sounding board to get it all out as it's easier said than done, this separation from parent's problems without separating from the parent. I know it's easier said than done because I struggle to do it myself with my own mother.

When it's the most sad is when I can see it happening with a non adult child. When I'm forced to watch the selfish behavior of a parent and the effects of their behavior on their child. There are nine children I can think of off the top of my head that "survive" this crap every day. I subtly (and not so subtly at times) do what I can but there is no changing people like this, it would appear. Their personal problems and needs will always be more important than their children.

A recent rather stern conversation with a parent of some children I'm close to left me frustrated and feeling helpless. Everything we talked about ended up coming back to him and his problems with his own father demonstrating a complete inability to see himself through his own kids eyes and how his actions negatively affect his daughters. Watching his wife, these kid's mom, allow her children to be subjected to this emotional abuse is even more infuriating.

The other kids are children of divorced parents who allow "step" parents to mistreat them, children of a widowed mother who carry the burden of their mother's emotional welfare every minute of their young lives, and one child of a single mom who could not get her act together for her now grown son and is so far unable to do so for her 8 year old daughter.

So, we have kids of a widowed parent, a married couple, a divorced set of parents who've introduced new caregivers, and a single parent all of whom have children that are biological to them and are carrying the weight of their parent or caregiver's emotional welfare.

My point is that although I do agree that adoptive parents could be more inclined to make their children, grown or not, responsible for their parent's emotional well being it is in no way exclusive to adoptive parents.

I believe it's a personality flaw or an unwillingness or inability to truly look at themselves and their behavior, not biological connection, though outside influences such as adoption can certainly exacerbate what's already there.

Save the shock and surprise

2010-08-13T04:19:00.000-07:00

I want to discuss something I've not experienced in the way some adopted people have. In fact, it completely boggles my mind that it even happens in the way it's described. To me it seems it should be a classic "put yourself in their shoes" type of situation. If the people doing the judging or questioning would honestly try and picture themselves as adopted, seems to me it's a no brainer.

Adopted people could very well be interested in searching for their biological people.

Doesn't seem that shocking to me. Is that because I'm adopted? I don't think so. My mom, who has said things from time to time regarding searching that I've shaken my head at, has said herself if she were adopted she knows for a fact she'd search. She even said this to me when I hadn't yet (and felt no desire to) searched. Now, this isn't to say she didn't have or attempt to hide feelings of insecurity regarding my sister's and my biological families. To this day she says things like, "well, it's the way she went about searching" or "you exchanged a letter with your biological mother and didn't tell me?!". When it comes down to it, my amateur assessment of this conflicting behavior is based in her personality and her lack of confidence in her role as mom not in an inability to understand and relate to the desire to search.

This brings me to the characters that don't get searching at all. Who are these people? Now, I'm not saying I don't understand adopted people who don't search. I do get that because I was that for a time in my life. I'm talking about people, adopted or not, that supposedly exist and say things like, "why would you want to do that to your real parents?" or "how could you want to look for people that abandoned you?". Just writing it has me rubbing my eyes thinking REALLY? To the best of my memory this has never happened to me so it's just so bizarre and foreign that every time I see another adopted person write it I'm floored.

What is so hard to understand? A person is born. They are raised by a family that isn't biologically related. Good, bad, or indifferent that adopted family isn't biologically related. The desire to know why a person was adopted may be one adoptee thing that's universal. For some, I imagine, having reliable/credible documents that relay the story would be more than enough. For some, maybe a picture or two included may be more than enough. But for many others, obviously, it's not enough. They want to meet their biological family. They need to see and talk to people who may look or walk or talk like them and I refuse to believe there's a single person who, down deep, can't understand that. They themselves may feel they'd never want to or want to bother to, but they're being dishonest to say that can't see why someone else would.

If you know someone who's adopted who's searching or talking about searching, whether as family or just as a friend or an acquaintance, save the shock and surprise. If you're a parent, expect it. If your expectation is realized, support it. Prepare yourself and check your ego. Parent from the beginning in a manner that you can be confident in, in a manner that's honest and open. Establish a relationship with your child that makes them feel safe to talk to you. Let them know that you'll support whatever approach they take in searching. If it doesn't include you, get over it! Let your kids know that you'll be there for them no matter what they find, that your love for them isn't conditional. That it's not their responsibility to protect your role as parent, to worry about your fragile ego.

We all know that an adoptive parent will never be the biological parent but it's the same in reverse. What we are to another human being whether it be a parent, sibling, aunt or uncle, friend, teacher, or lover cannot be threatened if what we are is real and good.

If someone says they know a "happy adoptee", it's likely because they do

2010-07-22T06:31:00.000-07:00

This morning I'm thinking about adoption. I'm adopted and am free of serious adoption related issues. So, the question's been asked, why on earth would I write about adoption? My answer, after wrinkling my forehead in puzzlement and thinking "huh???", is because I care about kids and I think my perspective is relevant and I want to know why it, adoption, works out ok for some and not for others. I would like to see adoption reformed and focus concentrated on children and what they need, not what all the adults and parents involved want.

I read adoption blogs and have reactions to what's said. Why wouldn't I? Why shouldn't I? In a way I feel like an objective observer, even though I'm adopted, because although I'm at peace with that fact I also believe that there needs to be a better way because not everyone is at peace with adoption. I grant everyone their feelings of anger and loss. I'm a firm believer that denying a person's feelings and reactions is never helpful but I also abhor it when those same people are unwilling to reciprocate, to try to also examine what works and why.

Here's a few of my thoughts this morning.

Research and proven theories. I am in the research business, scientific research. I am not a scientist but I do their work for them. I know what goes into creating valid and concrete evidence. It takes checks, repeatability, and reproducibility in controlled environments with experimental methods that have been proven reliable. Solid research takes years and has to be conducted with integrity and without bias.

Bias is rampant in adoption blog land. I think I understand why it exists but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. People maintain they are dismissed, that they are without rights, they're invalidated, and then turn around and do it to others. They go so far as to say if someone doesn't think like them that they're delusional. It's seems like if anything is said that goes against the person's personal agenda or cause the reaction is to avoid appearing to concede anything in anyway at all costs, even if it means twisting words and taking them out of context, referencing things like popular opinion as research. Maybe it's not always intentional or conscious but it happens and will always happen when someone is too stringent in their views.

The way it's rationalized as far as some adoptees goes is to say the good in adoption is heard enough. While that may be true (perhaps especially because it's true), how do they think they can be perceived as credible if they deny it in just the same way they feel denied? It's not just about validating feelings, it's also about acknowledging reality.

With some biological parents it's the same thing. No woman willingly gives up her baby and every single one of them will eventually regret it. Anything less is deemed unnatural.

And don't you dare say it can be a selfless, loving act. How can placing their child with total strangers be loving?! How could a child feel loved if it was abandoned?! Well, I for one think trying to give a human being that you created the best life you can can be a selfless act of love and I for one do not feel abandoned, because I wasn't. I was adopted. I realize though, sadly, that's not the case for everyone.

Abandonment to me means deserted with no regard. How can anyone claim that biological parents relinquish with no regard for their child's welfare? Aside from religious views, which is an entirely different can of worms, why on earth would anyone bother to carry a baby to term and place it with other people if they didn't care about the baby? Even if a person's decision to not abort a pregnancy is because they think of abortion as murder it still indicates regard for the life they're creating, does it not?

People say "put on your big girl panties" and take responsibility for your actions and raise that baby! All a baby needs is love, not material things, and age is of no consequence. Unless of course it's in reference to adoptive families. Then, conveniently, love is no longer enough.

Now, if the parents of the baby are incapable of raising it, which I'll admit I've have seen conceded (albeit in too few and far between moments), the grandparents are expected to step up to the plate, raise their children's children. Again, a double standard in adoption land. If people in their 40's or 50's plans to adopt it's child abuse. How unfair for a child to be raised by "old people"! Unless of course, they're genetically related because biology concurs all. As long as we're "really" related everything will be rainbows and unicorns. Sound familiar?

I worry that if adopted people who have struggled with feeling they belong somewhere find a place in the anti adoption community among like minded adopted people they can become stuck, not unlike being stuck in other kinds of gang mindsets. That even if their outlook becomes less stringent they can't explore that for fear that they will lose their place in their once welcoming community. That straying from the party line or speaking out in defense of "one of the enemy" could result in being cast out or mistrusted by the very people who helped them reach a more peaceful place regarding being adopted. They run the risk of going from "hey, I'm not alone" to "shit, here I am alone again".

I worry that adoptive parents will alter their perfectly acceptable approach to parenting out of fear they will do the wrong with an adopted child. I realize I've talked about it before but I think it's important, and damaging. I think it's fantastic there are real live adult adoptees relaying their stories, sharing the struggles they've experienced because of being adopted. It's an amazing resource but how many times will an adoptive parent come back when they're constantly shot down for using the wrong term or accused of despicable crimes against the children they love and want the best for. I'm fully aware there's the odd adoptive parent who "gets it" enough to meet the approval of the anti adoption crowd but they are the rare bird. Interestingly, to me anyway, it sometimes looks like some adoptive parents almost appear to be kissing ass in an attempt to be accepted into the gang. It's like maybe if they happen to be able to please a particularly hard to please adult adoptee blogger or maybe even better, a first/birth/natural mother (I say mother because the first/birth/natural father is also a rare bird when it comes to blogs) they can somehow feel a little less guilty about being an adoptive parent that day. My advice, if you're already in it, don't parent driven by guilt or fear. Use this valuable resource to educate yourself and others, just the same way you'd use all the other parenting resources that exist. Seek out the adoptive parents who "get it" and learn from them too, even the ones who've made a slip and fallen from grace. Actually, make that especially those ones.

Something else that troubles me is the power of suggestion. Anyone who cites research has to concede that it exists. The following paragraph is an excerpt from a guest post contributed by a wise woman I know quite well, my sister.

"After meeting my birth mother, I learned that the reality of my first few days contradicted any trauma-inducing circumstances. I had been born with a name; it was on my certification of adoption. My birth mother had me named for her sister, and her one close friend at school. I was born with connections and history. And contrary to usual practises of the time, my birth mother was allowed to hold me, and cuddle me, and no doubt whisper things into my baby ears. I was wanted (I had two mothers), I was loved, and had been since before I was born. So much for my “abandonment” being the source of my insecurities growing up, as I tried to do no less than understand the world."

I don't think acknowledging the possibility of suggestion diminishes statement. I think the ability to do so can even make statement more plausible. I am far more inclined to accept the opinion of a person who's able to see both sides of a coin. Telling someone something is so, can and does sometimes make it so. Hmm, maybe that's the goal for some. It's one of the major complaints in adoption, isn't it? How agencies and evil baby stealing adopters drill things into our brains, pour kool aid down our throats, paint happy pictures of forever families all the while insisting we be loyal and grateful. How is it different to be completely rigid in saying you're obviously still drinking the kool aid if you don't think like me, paint pictures of families who unequivocally cannot be as good as what should have been, all the while screaming if you're adopted you're damaged, whether you think so or not. And again, how is it all messing with younger people? It's kind of what I was trying to get at here.

Nothing about adoption is cut and dried, the same story for everybody. There's no one size fits all. There should be no clubs or sides. There needs to be growth, understanding, acceptance, education, and respect. We need to question ourselves as well as each other.

Don't be afraid to speak up and out about your adoption experience, there's nothing to be ashamed of, but make it about your own. If someone says they "know someone who's adopted and they're fine", so what? They likely do. Just like you know adoptees who aren't fine with it.

Don't diminish others because when you do, you diminish yourself.

A short trip on the bandwagon

2010-07-15T09:52:00.000-07:00

It's been difficult to avoid hearing the daily release of taped "conversations" between two people, one of whom is supposed to be Mel Gibson. My guess is that it likely is him, you'd have to be nuts to try and get away with making all this up, plus I've done this myself. Recorded someone without them knowing. It's a handy way to capture the bad behavior of people who have a tendency to act in unbelievable ways when you're alone with them, a way to share their words with others who may or may not be skeptical.

When listening to the aforementioned recordings that are all over the "news" I can't help but be taken back to a time in my life when I was stalked by a guy I'd been dating but broken up with, twice. There's been one other thing that really made that time in my life hit home and that was a movie called The Burning Bed, which starred Farrah Fawcett. Everything that had happened was fairly fresh when that movie was released so the impact was much different than the feelings and thoughts I have now about all that I hear and read regarding Mel Gibson and his, I presume, ex girlfriend and mother to his newest child.

It was the most recent recording I heard yesterday that struck me. It was the way the male in the recording spoke, the wildness in his voice, the threats of harm to himself or someone else that made me shudder, and remember. I remember to this day the sound of a shotgun being reloaded over the telephone and the voice saying he was going to kill himself. I remember the pure fear of it happening, the reluctance to hang up in case he really did it, being held hostage by his power.

It was a very difficult time for me. Back then there was no recognition of stalking by the police. I was dismissed when I talked to them, told to change my phone number, move, not go out, get a different job. Yeah...no help there, at all. I remember the cops I spoke to, and when it was that I did. I'd just been receiving repeated calls from this guy at the store I managed. The calls were manic, full of threats and name calling, screaming and yelling. They were non stop with the only solution being to take the phone off the hook of a business line that had no call waiting or answering service that cut in to replace a busy signal. It was one male and one female police officer that were walking through the mall that I flagged down and asked for help. They both listened but it was only the male who spoke to me, with the female endorsing his solution by her silence. I remember feeling incredulous. Over the years I've cheered new laws and recognition of stalking and it's existence. It still may not be enough, but it's more than what existed when I experienced the horror of stalking.

It made me sick. I lost weight, sleep, friends, and existed in a state of fear. The security door of my apartment building was regularly opened to my stalker, something to this day I think about when going in and out of apartment buildings. You know, those awkward moments when there's a person who is at the entrance at the same time as you. It's uncomfortable to say, "sorry, I can't just let you in", but it's what we all should be doing. That's what security doors are for, to keep unwanted people out.

Since my stalker was in the bouncer business he had contacts at the clubs in town. If I was out he'd appear or call me later to tell me what I'd been wearing that night or grill me about who I'd been there with or had talked to over the course of the evening. It got to the point where I had only one male friend left who refused to be intimidated into not being seen in public with me. I remember, years later, meeting up with one of my stalker's informants and asking him if he realized what he'd done to me, how he'd contributed to the problem.

There were 3 things that happened to put a stop to the madness. The first was the realization that this man was manipulating me with threats of suicide. It was a friend who was somehow able to convince me the threats were idle, that I needed to stop being controlled by them. I clearly remember saying "go ahead". It was terrifying to do but essential in this case because it not only set him off balance but summoned up a rage in me at what he was doing that allowed me to be more angry than scared, to start doing some proactive things that ultimately put an end to the abuse, the anger being the second thing that helped me get control of the situation. I remember one particular night being at my apartment with a girlfriend and my ex once again calling repeatedly only to show up, stand in the parking lot below my balcony screaming up at us, only to be let in by yet another intimidated tenant. I became so furious I grabbed a large knife from the drawer and was ready for him when he came to my door. My friend was terrified of what might happen and begged me to put it away but I was finished, fed up with the situation and was determined to protect myself and her as his rage this particular evening was directed toward her as well as me. See he'd decided to accuse us of being lovers, "that black bitch" and myself. His madness knew no boundaries, had no logic.

When I let him in he was surprised by my anger, by the knife in my hand, by my ability to look him in the eye and mean it when I said get out of here or I'll kill you. My friend was silent behind me, knowing full well my 5'3" 108lb body, even with a knife, was no match physically for this 6'6" monster who used to be my boyfriend. But, it was mentally. He left, of course mocking me as he did, trying to make me feel ridiculous for my reaction and make himself feel like a man by "letting" me win. I remember being violently ill as soon as he was gone and the door was shut and locked. I remember meeting secretly with his mom and sister to tell them what was going on and that they needed to do something, which they did. This was the 3rd thing that happened to put an end to it all. These women loved their son and brother and worked together to get him into therapy which worked for him. It all stopped and I've only run into him once since that I recall. I rarely think about him or that time and for the most part only at times like these when I hear about similar situations.

I have thoughts about people condemning Whoopie Goldberg's assessment of this Mel Gibson drama. I feel it's unfair and agree that people who call up her receptionist and rant on her or him about Whoopie are no better than the man on the recording or my old boyfriend who stalked me. I call Mel Gibson's girlfriend on her decision to have a baby with a man like him and then think about how his ex wife had multiple children with him. I think about the circumstances when I met the boyfriend who stalked and abused me. How it was in a violent situation where I defended an acquaintance from him that he was throwing out of a bar and yet I still went out with him. How the first time he grabbed me by the back of the neck and accused me of cheating I'd broken up with him only to get back together when he told me he couldn't see me anymore because of how he'd treated me and how he'd vowed to himself if he ever treated a woman like he'd treated me he'd never see her again. How although he'd sounded racist when accusing me of sleeping with my friend, he wasn't. How it would be easy to have called him a misogynist, he wasn't. He loved and respected the women in his family and other women in his life. I think about how his mom told me how when he was a boy his dad would pour lemon juice on his knuckles that were raw from being chewed on in anticipation of his father's return from "the road" and the inevitable abuse that would ensue. How he'd bravely protect his mom and siblings fully knowing how his dad's anger and demons would become his problem.

There's not much in life that's black and white, cut and dried, without gray. It's more common than not that both people in stormy relationships have a certain amount of responsibility, although I believe it's usually not an equal responsibility. I think often one of the two is damaged in some way, and the other enables by ignoring or trying to save, fix, change, or just be the one it will be different with. I bet right now there are women thinking well, Mel wouldn't have treated me like that because I'd know how to make him "happy".

I knew what my abusive boyfriend was like before I ever went out with him, I'd seen it. I knew what he was like when I got back together with him against my own better judgment. But, if he was THAT sorry that I had to beg him to see me again, he wouldn't hurt me again, right? Wrong, wrong, wrong, and if anyone reading this happens to find themselves in the same situation that I did, do yourself (and your possible future children) a favor and get out while you can or at the very least insist your damaged fixer upper get legitimate therapy BEFORE becoming involved romantically with him or her.

If you can't do it for yourself, if you're not worth it, do it for them, your work in progress, or your existing family and your future children, or for my kids and my kids' future kids. We're all in this world together and we owe it to each other to try harder to fix what we've done and are doing and put an end to, instead of perpetuating, cycles of abuse.

Can't someone get that man some help?!

Follow up

2010-07-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

After a few exchanges of emails regarding this letter I sent a while back the following is what I ultimately ended up receiving. I appreciate the time taken to address my concerns.

Thank you for your email of June 1, 2010, to the Honourable Diane Finley, Minister of Human Resources and Skills Development Canada (HRSDC). As Intercountry Adoption Services (IAS) comes under my Directorate, I have been asked to respond on the Minister's behalf to your concerns pertaining to international adoption.

The Government of Canada shares your concerns for the children abroad. Canada is party to the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC) which sets out specific rights for children with regard to intercountry adoption: in Article 21 (c) it states that States Parties shall "Ensure that the child concerned by inter-country adoption enjoys safeguards and standards equivalent to those existing in the case of national adoption."

Canada is also party to the 1993 Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect to Intercountry Adoption, which entered into force in Canada in 1996. This Convention sets out safeguards aimed at ensuring that the best interests of the child are the paramount consideration in intercountry adoption. Written to help countries regulate intercountry adoptions, the Convention's main goals are to protect the best interests of adopted children, standardize processes between countries, and prevent the abduction, sale, or trafficking of children. The Convention establishes a system of co-operation between authorities in States, designed to ensure that intercountry adoption takes place under conditions which help to guarantee good practices and eliminate abuses. Under the Convention, a number of obligations are placed on States of origin as well as on receiving States to ensure the protection and safe adoption of children.

States party to the Convention have also, as far as practicable, undertaken to apply the standards and safeguards of the Hague Convention to intercountry adoption with States that are not yet party to the Convention. The Permanent Bureau of the Hague Conference manages the Intercountry Adoption Technical Assistance Programme (ICATAP), which provides assistance to States prior to, or on joining, the Hague Convention. ICATAP aims to empower and build capacity in these States, mostly developing countries, to implement domestic and international policies and frameworks which meet these obligations for protection. The UN Committee on the Rights of the Child regularly recommends to States party to the UNCRC that they join the Hague Convention and seek technical assistance from the Hague Conference.

Canada played a leadership role in the development of the UNCRC and the Hague Convention on intercountry adoption. Canada (at the federal, provincial and territorial levels) is committed to the internationally recognized principles that intercountry adoption must take place in the best interests of the child and with respect for his or her fundamental rights. As such, Canada has taken a firm position in situations where there is evidence that intercountry adoptions from a specific country present high risks of irregularities. For example, Canada has recently imposed a moratorium on adoptions from Nepal due to irregular adoption practices (inducement of consents, evidence of undue gain and child trafficking). Moreover, moratoria are also in place in Cambodia, Guatemala and Liberia until such time as these countries strengthen their child protection systems, including family preservation and alternative care arrangements; implement strict controls on the financial aspects of intercountry adoption; and ensure that the adoption Central Authority is committed to the best interest of the child.

In Canada, adoption comes under the jurisdiction of provincial and territorial governments. Measures taken with regard to intercountry adoption require that pan-Canadian approaches be developed at all levels of government. Your email does not indicate your home province, for more information on intercountry adoption you may wish to contact your provincial authority at the following link: http://www.hrsdc.gc.ca/eng/community_partnerships/international_adoption/links/provincial_territorial.shtml

At the federal level, Citizenship and Immigration Canada (CIC) administer the Citizenship and Immigration Acts which contain specific requirements that must be met before permission to enter Canada or Canadian citizenship is granted. Canadian immigration law requires that an adoption can only be considered in the best interests of the child if, in the case of a country that is not a member of the Hague Convention, "there is no evidence that the adoption is for the purpose of child trafficking or undue gain."

For more information on intercountry adoption please refer to the following site:

United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child: http://www2.ohchr.org/english/law/crc.htm

1993 Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Co-operation in Respect to Intercountry Adoption: http://hcch.e-vision.nl/index_en?act=conventions.text&cid=69

We hope you find this information useful and we thank you for your interest in the intercountry adoption process.

Sincerely,

Ellen Healey
Acting Director General
Community Development and Partnerships Directorate

It's a little more than just luck

2010-07-08T12:16:00.000-07:00

I spent last weekend out of town attending my cousin's wedding. Now this particular cousin is my "best" guy cousin. We were very close growing up spending tons of time together as our moms are sisters and also close.

Everything that went on is still running through my thoughts. There was a bit of everything as far as emotions go.

Pride. There are two main things I was proud of, one being my son and the other being the closeness of the family that were in attendance.

I was proud of my son for just being with me. He's twenty and much of the time twenty year olds have better things than family functions to do. Initially he'd said he'd not attend but then changed his mind because he felt he'd not been doing many family things lately and although I told him it wasn't necessary, I know he partially came to be with me. After much consideration I'd decided I'd drive my mom the fourteen hours to attend the wedding, something which my husband was not keen on in the slightest so had decided to pass on the trip (I promised my husband years ago that I'd never be the type to insist he do anything he didn't want and have stuck by my words. I'm a firm believer that it's better to be without someone who doesn't want to be somewhere, and when it's something that's important to me for him to be at, he just is, without me having to ask).

I've been traveling with my son by car, train, plane since he was two so we travel very well together, both of us being laid back and able to easily adapt to most situations. My mom, on the other hand, doesn't travel or live this way so it was very nice to have my ally with me, my breath of fresh air, my eye rolling partner, my now grown son and friend. To see him connecting with cousins, chatting with other people he'd just met, helping me gps around town, and just generally be my partner in crime was awesome and made me very proud to be his mom.

The other thing I was proud of was something observed and pointed out to me by a lovely woman I sat beside at the wedding reception. This new acquaintance has no family to speak of and was marveling at how we cousins knew each other and how important we all appeared to be to each other. How the aunts, uncles, mothers, fathers, and cousins who are no longer with us were honoured and toasted in speeches. You could see in her face that she hadn't even thought this type of closeness really existed in families. We talked a bit about it, the reasons for it, with both of us deciding that although there is some luck in having closeness in family, it has to be important to the people involved or luck just wouldn't be enough.

It takes care and patience. A willingness to want it and the ability to accept differences. Many times it's necessary to forgive, even if forgetting is impossible. It can mean letting go of our visions of what we think our family should be like and accepting what is. Sometimes it means apologizing or just letting go of old baggage, agreeing to disagree with a hug and a smile. Families are never without their issues, sometimes serious issues. If they're solvable though, they won't get solved on their own.

It's an amazing feeling to be with and enjoy family. I am so fortunate.

Fair weather daughter

2010-06-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

I've decided to share a search experience. It's important to understand my intent in sharing so I'll first explain that.

I believe that adopted people think about how it would feel to find their biological people. They wonder if it's what they really want. I think the search itself can become a challenge, a quest. That the ramifications of success are impossible to know. Results are unpredictable, as are the ultimate feelings and effects on the adopted person's life as they know it.

So, the intent of this post is to share my feelings and reaction in an attempt to supply a known. To offer one small experience that was enlightening to me. There is no need to read into this post as what I plan to say is what I felt and am feeling, nothing hidden, nothing deeper.

The day before yesterday I was alone in my home. I got thinking what a perfect time it would be to call my biological mother (yes, I have her phone number as well as her address) so after writing a list of what was important to me to say to her, I started trying to call. I say "trying" as I must have partially dialed the number about 10 times and hung up before actually connecting to her number.

As I made these failed attempts I asked myself why. After much thought, I decided it was fear but first I debated with myself about why I'm afraid. Am I struggling because I don't really want to call? Because I'm worried about someone else answering? Am I afraid she'll be mean? I decided it was just plain fear, that I did want to try calling but was afraid. Knowing this gave me courage and I dialed the whole number and let it ring.

When I got the answering machine I was a little surprised as in my mental preparation for the phone call this likely scenario had eluded me. Out of instinct I left my first name and number asking her to call me when she had time. That's it. That's all, it was done. -Side note, she sounded younger than I'd expected.

But, now I'd left a message for her to call. And, I needed a shower as I had an appointment in a couple of hours. Ok, off to the shower I go, phone within reach. As I wash I contemplate what I'll do if she returns my call with my head full of soap, how it will be better if she calls while I'm on the conditioner stage. I ponder if she was really home and had decided not to answer, had screened my call and was listening to my message. What would she think I sounded like? I think I'd sounded upbeat and normal. I thought about how I'd forgotten to add to my written list of things I wanted to say that I was fine with her keeping me a secret, that physically meeting wasn't that important to me. That correspondence via email was perfectly acceptable as was snail mail although I'm really, really bad at mailing real letters.

Ok, out of the shower and ready to dry my hair. Will I hear the phone ring while my blow dryer is running? I stand the phone up so I'll see it ring, just in case. Hopefully she doesn't call before I'm done though as it will certainly be a bad hair day if I don't get it dried enough before she calls.

Ok, I'm all ready, but now I have to leave in a few minutes. I enter her name and number in my phone so that if she calls while I'm out and my husband is back from golfing he'll see the name and not ignore the call thinking it's just another long distance call from some phone center.

Off I go to take care of my errands, the last one being meeting my mom at her apartment to take care of some travel arrangements for my nieces. All thoughts of bio mom calling back are gone for the majority of the time I'm out, although I did check my voice mail at home once while I waited for my mom to meet me.

The travel arrangements and errands I took care of that day were a real load off my mind so I returned home quite pleased with myself and enjoyed the coffee my husband had ready for me when I got there. I listened to him talk about his day, he listened to me talk about how relieved I was to have gotten these "chores" done.

Eventually I check my call history and see there's been no return call as it was obvious no message had been left in my absence. There's a bit of thought about this, of course. Did she get the message? Is she maybe out of town? Has she not had a good time to call back yet? Ahhh, who knows, but what I do know is I want to just stretch out, watch tv, maybe have a nap, and relax. My brain is little fried from all the travel planning and it'll be great to do nothing for the evening.

As I veg out on my bed, flipping through channels, half dozing, the phone rings. Damn! Oh crap, I hope it's not her, I don't feel like talking on the phone. I grab the phone and check the call display and it's my mom, but not the bio one. I'm slightly relieved because since I'd just spent three hours with my mom that afternoon I felt no guilt in not answering, opting instead to check the message she'll leave just to make sure this time it's not something important.

And then it hits me. After all my trepidation, curiosity, speculation, anticipation and excitement, when it came down to it, I had dreaded the call when it wasn't convenient for me. When I didn't feel like being curious, didn't feel like talking, her call became just as much of an annoyance as anyone else's would if I wasn't in the mood for a chat.

This experience has been enlightening, a validation of the concern that my curiosity is fair weather. That my consideration of her circumstance is warranted. That my decision to value her privacy is a good one. That for me it would be selfish to push things further than I have because what I want is frivolous in comparison to what she doesn't want.

I still wonder, don't get me wrong. I wonder how she can not call back, because I'd not be able to resist. I wonder and worry if she walks around in a constant state of dread or fear, because I think if I were her I would. I wonder who my paternal people are, because I don't know. I wonder what she's thinking, because I always wonder what everyone is thinking.

Thing is, I only wonder when I feel like it, and to me, that's not enough to alter other people's realities forever.

Dads matter. Imagine how things could be if only more of them knew it.

2010-06-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

It's Father's Day, and it's making me a bit sad.

My father is no longer with me physically but he's in my heart and mind, not on any higher pedestal than he deserves. I try hard not to allow my dead people to become better than they really were. I don't see the point as I try to learn from their mistakes, as well as my own. Nobody is perfect, but their combination of goodness and imperfections can make for the perfect person for someone else, and my dad was that. The perfect father for me.

My husband is a father, but not to my child. My husband underestimates his importance to his children, as I think many fathers do. I hope I've added to his relationship with his sons in that I try to help him see how much a hug can mean, how saying "I love you son" or "I'm proud of you" once in a while is a good thing. My husband is a very good dad and has been there for his boys in ways I doubt they even know about.

My nieces have no dad as their father is my brother who died 5 years ago. My brother was a wonderful father and it's sad these girls don't have him. They need him and their life is forever altered by the loss of him at such young ages.

My son's dad. I'm careful when I talk about my son's dad for the simple fact he's my son's dad. I think because I'm respectful of this it allows my son to turn to me when his dad's not stepping up to the plate. I took the high road in the breakdown of my marriage, something for which I've been criticized by some who aren't my son, but it's been the right decision. My son is able to trust that he comes before any animosity I may hold or have held for his father, and I think that's huge. All kids know when their parent(s) suck, but they usually love them anyway and hold hope that some day it will be different. They don't want anyone trashing their mom or dad, even if they're doing it themselves.

I take responsibility for choosing this kind of dad for my son, because I did.

I'm sad today for those who are without their dad that's perfect for them and for those who've never had one.

Dads matter, and for those that know or knew it, a very happy Father's day to you.

Everyone exists in a reality that was created by someone else

2010-06-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

I've just been reading a blog post. It seemed so much like the blogger was reaching for trouble, creating their own drama, surmising about things that seem like a stretch in imagination. I get that it's in an effort to inform, to educate, to warn others about the possible ramifications of adoption but not everyone knows that's the intent, or will take the time to investigate. Take the time to think about the words and the feeling and care that goes into them. I know for myself as soon as I note that a blog seems unrealistic or ridiculous, (overly religious PAP's or AP's come to mind) I'm gone. Never to return.

It got me thinking about birth order and birthrights and gender at birth, not to mention circumstance of birth. How absolutely self indulgent and whiny adopted person's issues may come across to those who are biological to their family but yet still have their own personal crosses to bear, those who mean it when they say they "wish they'd been adopted". I also acknowledge that an adopted person may have their adoption issues as well as the problems I discuss here, sort of like a double whammy.

I mean just think about how many scenarios can and do exist. I'm going to list a few and welcome any I don't mention or haven't thought of. If you're touched by adoption, try and put that aside and think of "regular" folks for just a minute or two. I know some will say that's impossible, that they can't because they are, but for those that can, be creative or tap in to your own experience or the experience of those you know.

I mean seriously, isn't it supposed to be about children, period? Not just those of us who are adopted?

K, the first one I want to discuss is gender. I know of at least one person who insisted throughout her entire pregnancy she'd be terribly disappointed if she had a boy. No matter what was said to her, no matter how many times she was begged to not think that way, she was adamant that she did not want a boy and vowed she'd be unhappy if she had one. She did. Nuff said.

The unwanted, unplanned, yet kept child. This child could be the oldest, the youngest, or an in between but the timing of their conception was poor, unexpected, and inconvenient. The parent or parents cannot get over this fact and have an uncontrollable resentment toward this child for their entire existence.

The child born to a person of celebrity or infamy. The whole world knows who they are and their story. It is inescapable, the child's existence is forever compared to their famous parent, their every move under a microscope.

Order of birth. It can be huge you know. There are many traits and responsibilities automatically assigned based on birth order. There are unconscious attitudes toward other family members, peers, co-workers, and offspring directly related to the order of one's birth.

Poverty. People born into impoverished situations are affected by it, just as they can be affected by being born into wealth. It can be negative or positive, but they are affected.

Who a person is conceived to, and why. I'll use the example of a child conceived by people trying to "fix" their unhappy or broken relationship. I dare anyone to say this is effective in achieving the intended goal. If the relationship is broken a child will certainly not repair it but the responsibility to do have done so can be glaring to the child.

A child conceived of rape. I imagine no matter how "ok" the mother is with it all, that even if she's managed to somehow separate the act of conception and the process of giving birth and parenting, the child is affected by who and what their father is or was.

A child who is a multiple, but is the only survivor of birth. I know of people who've experienced this and there seems to be a measure of guilt and/or loss they carry forever.

Children who exist in a family and have suffered the loss of a sibling, suffer their parents loss of a child. This can come in the form of death, adoption, mental illness and/or substance abuse and addiction, incarceration whether it be wrongful or warranted. I think of the family of an American woman who is in prison for murder in Italy. I saw some coverage of how the rest of the children in that family are affected and it's heartbreaking, all around.

Children who suffer the loss of the important parent or parents when they are young and still need their mom or dad and have to make this difficult journey through life without the person they needed the most.

Finally, I think of children born to evil or demented parents. Children like those born to well known women who have put their sick husbands before their own babies, or who abuse their babies themselves, either after they are born or before.Children conceived by horrible men who do horrible things to others and/or their own children.

I understand, accept, and empathize with adopted people who feel a primal wound or experience trauma because of it. I believe some people are more affected than others, whether it be because of their personality or because of their circumstance or a combination of both. I think though that we don't have the corner on misery, trauma, loss, rejection, guilt, obligation or even abandonment. Nothing is ever perfect, one can ever know what if's or what if not's. These are our lives, these are our families, both created for all of us who exist without any one of us having been consulted or given choices.

I think every child deserves to be born planned and wanted, just the way they are, to responsible, caring and thoughtful people who've given thought to what they are doing, what choices they've made and will make for this new human being so that when the rest of the crap happens, at least they've had a fighting chance to make it.

Idealistic, maybe unrealistic, perhaps even ridiculous I know, but thank you for sticking around to the end even if you think so.